The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Carlos Pena, Joe Mauer, and Albert Pujols had a three-way tie in the first round of the Home Run Derby. Pujols eventually won when he hit more homeruns than the Mets.

The Washington Nationals have fired manager Manny Acta. Owners plan to secretly replace him with decaffeinated Folgers crystals and see if anyone notices the difference.

Houston Rockets guard Tracy McGrady plans to change his uniform number to three. The number represents both his "3 points Darfur" initiative as well as the number of times he expects be on the injured reserve next season.

UFC President Dana White told reporters that the UFC will eventually be bigger than the NFL. Defense attorneys are looking forward to the increased business.

And Brett Favre threw passes to a high school team. No word yet on why he was training with the Lions.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The WNBA has started selling seats for as low as $10. I am woman, hear me plead.

The Pirates are interested in trading All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for left-handed starter Jonathan Sanchez. The trade is particularly appealing to Pittsburgh since they can save money by not printing new jerseys.

Pedro Martinez could play for Philadelphia. Yes, the Sixers are that desperate.

Knicks center Eddy Curry has lost 30 pounds. Just 20 more and he can safely ride on an elevator.

And Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are still an item. It works because Hudson loves Rodriguez, and so does he.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Blake Griffin had 27 points and 12 rebounds in his first game at the NBA's Summer League. It's nice to know that at least one person will be leaving Las Vegas feeling better about themselves.

The Washington Nationals have appointed bench coach Jim Riggleman as the team's new interim manager because he picked the shortest straw.

The Chicago Cubs are considering filing for bankruptcy. It might be one title they can actually win.

Lance Armstrong is on the verge of winning his eighth Tour de France. If this continues much longer, he'll be winning it with his left blinker on.

And a new survey among MLB insiders has found that Alex Rodriquez is no longer considered the top player in the game. Clearly they didn't ask Alex Rodriguez.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

New Washington Nationals manager Jim Riggleman has held his first team meeting, ran his first practice and presided over his first news conference. All that remains now is to lose his first game.

Bud Selig is still examining Pete Rose's application for reinstatement. So whoever took August in the pool is in good shape.

Lance Armstrong is on the verge of winning the Tour De France for the 8th time. Just in case the French don t hate us enough.

The Baltimore Ravens gave Terrell Suggs the most lucrative contract ever for a linebacker. Ray Lewis said he'd even more proud of Suggs if he did all that AND watched his friends kill somebody.

And Brett Favre said he plans to make his final decision about returning to the NFL by July 30. Of 2007.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Yao Ming has signed an agreement to bail out the Chinese Basketball League's Shanghai Sharks. The team began facing trouble after some of the players were found to contain lead paint.

Derek Jeter is in the process of building the largest home in Tampa Bay. The estate will have 300 bedrooms in case all of his girlfriends show up at once.

Michael Vick admitted that the road back to the NFL will be a long one. "Ditto," said all of Detroit.

Major League Baseball nixed a New York Yankees signing after the player turned out to be under 16-years-old. They became suspicious when the player was asked his age, and responded by saying, "this many."

And Jamie Moyer pitched a one-hitter against the Florida Marlins. It's amazing considering Moyer was a rookie when Florida became a state.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Padres second baseman Edgar Gonzalez was hospitalized after being hit in the head by a 93 mph pitch. Gonzalez is hitting just .190 this season, but his head is one for one.

Richard Jefferson recently told reporters that 80 percent of all pro athletes get divorced. The other 20 percent must be better at cheating.

81-year-old Hershel McGriff recently became the oldest driver to compete in a NASCAR race. He didn't mean to - he just drove onto the track accidentally.

Lou Piniella recently had a five minute meeting with President Barack Obama. It was actually supposed to be a ten minute meeting until Piniella began bumping him in the chest and kicking dirt.

And Lance Armstrong conceded he can not beat teammate Alberto Contador in the Tour de France. That's a ballsy thing to admit. Or in Armstrong's case, "bally."

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to choose a head coach soon. At least 30 qualified candidates are hoping it won't be them.

Ricky Henderson was thrilled about his induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. That's a direct quote from Rickey Henderson.

Pittsburgh State football player Joe Windscheffel will miss the upcoming season after being attacked by a zebra. The attack left him injured and terrified of referees.

Phil Mickelson has put in a bid to buy 105 Waffle Houses. He hopes to turn a profit on John Daly.

And Kansas City outfielder Jose Guillen sustained a torn knee ligament while trying to put on a shin guard. The New York Mets have already made an offer.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Kansas City Royals starter Luke Hochevar fanned 13. I'm sorry, that should read, "The Kansas City Royals have 13 fans."

A Japanese firm has developed a robot that can throw and hit. It's also got more depth than Alex Rodriguez.

Manhattan's district attorney wants Plaxico Burress to serve up to two years in prison. So he's clearly a Jets fan.

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated immediately by the NFL, and said any extension of his suspension would be similar to "kicking a dead horse." Nice that Vick has moved onto other animals.

And New York Met Gary Sheffield was added to the DL. Mainly because he misses his teammates.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Kurt Rambis is a finalist for the Timberwolves' head coaching vacancy. Whether he likes it or not.

Barry Bonds received a warm ovation recently at AT&T Park. The only people upset were the hundreds of fans who couldn't see over his head.

Stephon Marbury webcast, crying with his shirt off and eating Vaseline right out of a jar. So things are going better for him.

Barack Obama has said that his daughters are inspired by the WNBA. The only thing the WNBA inspires us to do is change the channel.

And Kevin Federline is convinced that his two sons will grow up to be sports stars. With the parents they have, they'll be lucky to grow up at all.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Big news: Brett Favre finally made the decision to stay retired. This week.

Stephon Marbury said he recently saw Jesus in his shower. Apparently, Jesus appeared to tell Marbury he's insane.

Jessica Simpson plans to release a new fragrance inspired by Tony Romo. It's called, "disappointment."

Yankees pitcher Chien-ming Wang is scheduled to undergo season-ending surgery on his right shoulder. As every man knows, there's nothing worse than having a useless Wang.

And Reggie Bush broke up with Kim Kardashian due to her constant need to be in the spotlight. At least that's what she said at her press conference.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Weekly Cleveland Indians Lineup Analysis

Well, it hasn't exactly been weekly this season, but let's hope it is from here on out. To recap, we take the top 9 Indians in terms of OPS and feed them into Dave Pinto's Lineup Analysis Tool to determine the theoretical ideal batting lineup.

This Week's Results
Click Here

This Week's Ideal Lineup
Choo
Martinez
Cabrera
Hafner
Garko
Sizemore
Francisco
Peralta
Carroll

Theoretical Runs Per Game
5.297

Theoretical Improvement
The Indians are currently scoring 4.938 runs per game, which isn't too bad in its own right. The ideal lineup is an improvement of 0.360 runs per game, or 58 runs over the course of a season. That may not seem like much, but using the old sabermetric standby that 10 runs = 1 win, that's another 5-6 victories for the Tribe. Of course, they'd still be 7 games back in the division.

Defensive Plausibility
Well, it's pretty much the same nine guys Cleveland trots out for every other game, so there are no problems here.

Fan Believability
It's hard to argue batting Hafner, Garko, Francisco, Peralta, and Carroll where they are. Choo's pretty realistic too, since he gets on base and runs relatively well (for this team). But even in the midsts of a down season, fans would riot at Grady Sizemore hitting sixth. In addition, no coach on the hot seat would bat Victor Martinez second but Asdrubal Cabrera third.

My Take
It's been a while since I've done a lineup analysis. So I'm happy how this turned out, because it gives me another chance to demonstrate how the lineup tool "envisions" each spot in the batting order. As with a traditional lineup, the best on-base guy bats leadoff and the biggest masher hits cleanup. Shin-Soo Choo leads the team in on base percentage, while Travis Hafner leads the team in slugging.

The number two hitter is supposed to be your best all-around hitter - good in both OBP and SLG, but one isn't drastically higher than the other. Check that one off with Victor Martinez. The number five guy is your second-best all-around hitter. To Nino's delight, I'm sure, that's Ryan Garko.

What's interesting is the number three spot. Contrary to popular thought, this model normally puts a bad hitter there, just for lack of a better spot, and with the intent to space out the out-makers. But Asdrubal Cabrera is fifth on the team in OPS, so I'm not sure why he was placed there.

Your number nine guy isn't necessarily a good hitter, but it should be someone who can get on base. That's Jamey Carroll in a nutshell. The rest of the lineup, spots six through eight, are whoever's left in descending order of ability.

Random Indians Thought of the Week
This week I have two thoughts, and they're not so random because they still pertain to this lineup analysis.

It's a small sample of only 20 at bats, but Josh Barfield is actually third on the team in OPS this year. I'll leave a lineup analysis that includes him as an exercise for the reader.

Also, coming into Thursday's game against the Blue Jays, Chris Gimenez had a higher OPS than Jhonny Peralta on the year, meaning I would have used Gimenez instead of Peralta in this week's analysis. Interestingly, both Barfield and Gimenez could replace Peralta at third to keep the lineup defensively plausible.

As it stands, Peralta, Gimenez, and Kelly Shoppach are all in a very close race for the ninth-best OPS on the team. In a year like this, I'm actually curious to see how Shoppach would fare at the hot corner.