Wednesday, April 27, 2005

NFL Draft Review

Notre Dame Hopefuls

Kyle Budinscak - DE: Not signed as of 4/27.

Quentin Burrell - S: Not signed as of 4/27.

Jared Clark - TE: Not signed as of 4/27.

Jerome Collins - TE: Rams, 5th round. "Upside" is the word - he supposedly had a huge combine. Joins Brandon Manumaleuna, who had 15 catches last year, and Roland Williams at tight end. I see him in a lot of 2-TE sets with Manumaleuna, a la Dallas Clark in Indianapolis. Collins will also reunite with ND alum Joey Goodspeed St. Louis.

Derek Curry - OLB: Not signed as of 4/27.

Dwight Ellick - CB: Undrafted, signed with Saints. The bad news is that he joins the team with 9 other rookie free agents, and will be looking up at 6 incumbent CBs. The good news is that he signed a 2-year contract (as did all the Saints' undrafted rookies). Ellick will join Courtney Watson and John Carney in New Orleans.

Mike Goolsby - ILB: Undrafted, signed with Cowboys. Goolsby was reportedly the anti-Collins at the combine, with his performance possibly costing him a chance to get drafted Why the Illinois native chose Dallas, I don't know. Maybe it was the chance to play under Bill Parcells. Maybe he thought he had a better chance in a 3-4. Looking up at 9 other linebackers, Goolsby will join Julius Jones and Kurt Vollers in Dallas.

Ryan Grant - RB: Undrafted, signed with Giants. The New York native and Don Bosco alum returns home to fight with three other guys - including draft pick Brandon Jacobs of Southern Illinois - for the right to back up Tiki Barber. Grant joins far too many ND alums to count on the Giants.

Carlyle Holiday - WR: Undrafted, signed with Cardinals. Well, he already is listed on the online team roster with a uniform number (9; 7 has been taken by QB Timmy Chang), so that's a good sign. The bad news is that he has 9 guys to compete against, although I'm sure his return skills will greatly help his case. Carlyle joins Pro Bowler Bert Berry in Arizona.

Billy Palmer - TE: Undrafted, signed with Redskins. Billy is one of 12 undrafted rookies to sign with Washington; included on that list of 12 is TE David Kashetta of BC. His run blocking ability is a plus on a team that features Clinton Portis, and tight end does not look to be a strong position on this team. (Trust me, it looks God-awful.) Palmer will, however, have to battle Jabari Holloway and Joey Goodspeed's older brother Dan for a roster spot. Reynaldo Wynn and Jim Molinaro will also be teammates of Billy in the Nation's Capital.

Greg Pauly - DT: Undrafted, signed with Bears. The Wisconsin native will be battling Darrell Campbell for a roster spot. The good news is that they are two of only 7 DT's currently on the Chicago roster. (The bad news goes to Nick Setta, as the Bears signed two undrafted kickers, which means they will be taking 6 kickers into camp.)

Justin Tuck - DE: Giants, 3rd round. Michael Strahan is 34 already, and the Giants don't have much else at DE. According to KankaManiac Dave, Tuck was a big fan of playing across from Strahan, and he should see significant playing time next year - if not this year.

The Cleveland Browns' Choices

1 Braylon Edwards - WR - Michigan: The Browns went with the "best player available" strategy, and this is who they got. GM Phil Savage had several trades lined up for Edwards, including Aaron Smith, but couldn't work one where he felt Cleveland was getting enough in return. So, the Browns get a man who drives a Bentley "because I'm handsome," and add yet another receiver who can't make a key catch. ( commented that he brought one family member to the podium for each drop he made in college.

2 Brodney Pool - S - Oklahoma: This second round pick joins a team that already has two starting safeties... or does he? Maybe Romeo Crennel isn't a fan of last year's second round safety pick, Sean Jones, or maybe Savage just couldn't pass up a guy who was predicted to be a top 10 pick in the 2006 draft, had Pool stayed his senior season.

3 Charlie Frye - QB - Akron: The Browns decided that if Frye was still around in the 3rd round, they would take him. Well, he was still around. This could be a steal, as some "experts" had Frye rated ahead of Aaron Rogers. Frye grew up in Ohio, and is a Browns fan through and through. When asked about the last MAC QB to hit it big in the NFL - Ben Roethlisberger of the Steelers - Frye jokingly replied, "He's the enemy now. I delete his phone number last night."

4 Antonio Perkins - CB - Oklahoma: Perkins is not only a cornerback (a need for the Browns), but also a punt returner. The Browns have a punt returner for now in Dennis Northcutt, but they do need a kick returner to go alongside breakout star Richard Alston. On an interesting note (for a bunch of bandos at least), Perkins playes trumpet and baritone.

5 David McMillan - DE/OLB - Kansas: McMillan is a "tweener" who can play both DE and LB in the 3-4. His draft profile says he's a sure tackler who just needs to hit the weight room.

6 Nick Speegle - OLB - New Mexico: I'll let his draft profile speak for him: "The heir apparent to former Lobos great Brian Urlacher, Speegle more than lived up to those lofty expectations during his career at New Mexico. This is a player with an imposing physique and excellent speed and closing burst."

6 Andrew Hoffman - DT: Phil Savage added much-needed depth to the D-Line by trading QB Luke McCown (and his very fired up wife) to Tampa Bay for their 6th round pick. Trading McCown and keeping Josh Harris, who was drafted by Savage's Ravens last year, can be seen as Savage looking after "his guys," but Phil reportedly put both QBs on the block and liked the deal for McCown best. Meanwhile, it looks like Hoffman has what it takes to play the demanding position of nose guard in the new 3-4.

7 Jon Dunn - T - Virginia Tech: The Browns had their center (Jeff Faine), had their tackles (although they're not exactly shining examples of staying healthy), and they signed two free agent guards. All they needed was insurance for that tackle position. And, apparently, this is just a BIG DUDE.

Seen & Heard at Shea

by Dave Schmitt, East Coast Correspondent

Last night, I went to the Mets-Braves game at Shea with my dad. Obligatory Cow-Bell Man story of the night: there was a group of 6 super-drunk middle-aged guys sitting 2 rows in front of us, just behind the railing. Cow-Bell Man came by, and they just went nuts. He hit the cowbell a few dozen times, and was about to keep walking. Between innings, just before he could leave, the drunkest guy grabbed Cow-Bell Man by the arm, stood up, and yelled, "Cow-Bell Man, everybody! Let's hear it for Cow-Bell Man!" [polite applause] "Cow-Bell Man will be testifying tomorrow morning at my divorce trial that I am a good man. My wife is trying to take my house, my life, everything! Cow-Bell Man says it must stop now! MAKE IT STOP NOW!" Everyone was rolling at this point, and Cow-Bell Man just shook his head and laughed. After he walked away, a camera guy got him to do a dance while hitting the cowbell, and then put the dance in slow-motion up on the video board. Cow-Bell Man was so fired up about this that he then proceeded to do an even crazier dance while his original dance was up on the board. Good times, good times.

Game notes: Braves got 3 in the first on a bunch of dinky hits. Pedro pretty much shut them down after that. Ramon Castro hitting in front of Victor Diaz killed the Mets tonight, as Castro can't hit a lick. Interesting 9th inning. Kolb came in up 4-1 to close it out, got 2 outs no one on. Valent hit a pinch-hit doubled, and Reyes doubled him home. Matsui came out to hit, but Willie called him back at the last second and sent Piazza up to bat. Shea went nuts. Piazza singled home Reyes, 4-3. Still 2 outs. Beltran then hit the ball towards the gap in right-center, Mondesi got it on the hop, looked up and shockingly saw Piazza trying to stretch it to 3rd. Mondesi unleashed a rope to 3rd and Piazza came thisclose to making the last out at 3rd. Not so good! Kolb had given up 4 hits in a row at this point, so Cox took him out and brought in a rookie lefty to face Floyd. Gutsy move, but no doubt Floyd would've killed Kolb, the way he's hitting and the way Kolb was grooving the ball. Floyd popped up end the game. Dahhh.

A few more observations: Furcal and Giles are really really good, and will keep the Braves in contention for many years to come. Smoltz throws really hard. Leo Mazzone waddles like a duck on his way to the mound. Danny Kolb blows.

Save CJ's

copied by Ellen from NDNation

One of my colleagues knows the owners of CJ's and sent me the following email about the plight of Rick, Cindy, and Judy. If you would like to help out, or just want to send a note on please drop me an email and I will forward them on.

You wanted to know about CJ's and what's happenin' there. It's really quite sad. As you know CJs has years and years of Notre Dame history. Hundreds of Notre alum have spent time there. Notre Dame football fans, players, students and their parents frequented their establishment. And now Rick, Cindy, and Judy have been left living off their savings for months because the hospital and their insurance companies have not settled.

Prior to this the hospital tried to buy CJs and at one time they had an agreement but then the hospital lower their offer and Rick rejected it. After that, they petitioned the City of South Bend to have CJs condemned to make way for hospital expansion; leaving Rick and his sisters nothing to start over with. This is definitely a David and Goliath story. I wish Notre Dame students and alum would get behind them to help them get going again. You and I aren't the only ones, I'm sure, who miss CJs. It's a Notre Dame icon and it would be such a loss if they are not able to reopen. Even if students and alum would let Rick and his family know how much the loss of CJs means to them, it would probably mean alot. I'm not sure Rick has an email account but they could certainly send their notes to me and I could pass them along.

Editor's Note: Check Ellen's post entitled "CJs" for an email address.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Blue and Gold Weekend in Review

I got in around 9 local time on Friday night. I found that Aflac, who I was staying with, tends not to answer the phone when I dial the wrong number trying to look for him. Fortunately, he does answer when I dial the correct number. So, we shot the breeze for a while. I then decided to call Sarah to see what she was up to. Now, Sarah has two roommates - one who knows me, and one who really doesn't know me. Guess which one answered. Here's part of the conversation:
"Yeah, could you just have her call Kanka in Aflac's room?"
"... Kanka... in... Alfac's room?"
"That's right. Thanks."
Ah, I'm easily amused. After a while, I decide to head for the Backer. The crowd was so small, they actually had tables set up in the middle of the floor. Gary Godsey was sitting down, and I almost went up to ask if he had seen Ellen yet. I was extremely confused by the table situation, so I got my hand stamped and left. I next decide to head over to Legends to check out the MOBB, who I've heard a lot about. I get in, get my "Hey look at me, I went to Legends!" wristband, and then was greeted by a huge sign that says only current students are allowed in the "nightclub area" where the MOBB is playing. Dah. So, it was back to The Backer for me.

Meanwhile, at BW3's. The group arrives to find Klondike sitting at the bar. Not a big surprise. He had also made a new friend - again not a big surprise. "Yeah, I guess he likes football or something." Of course he does, Klondike, because he's only one of Ellen's favorite New York Giants - Luke Petitgout. You can't make this stuff up.

Meanwhile, at The Backer. I walk in and find no one's there yet, or so I thought. So, I get in line for a drink, and am soon reminded why I'm normally not the one who goes to gets drinks for everyone. I'm not a very pushy person, and that cost me about 10 minutes of my life. It was then that i noticed that a picture of Gary Godsey (still in the bar, by the way) and Adam Sandler in their Longest Yard uniforms had been added above the bar. Wait a minute... they replaced Alicia Ratay's picture! I was heartbroken, and even more so when I couldn't convince Ellen to ask the manager if I could keep Alicia's picture. Meanwhile, I see Jessi walk in. Hey, there's someone I know. We talk for a while, and then I see Sarah and friends sitting at a table in the corner. (Hmm, are you sure you don't go to The Backer often?) I make myself at home, and soon after Dave, Ellen, and F-Bomb show up. Ellen claims she's never met Sarah, so I make the formal introduction. Ellen then offers to show me her butt. I politely decline, then our song comes on. For what happens next, here's Sarah's side of the story:

Sarah had to turn to her friends and explain that Ellen isn't dating me and is, in fact, in a long-term relationship with Dave. Then, for some reason, she turns back to look at us, only to see a bare, bruised butt staring back at her. At first, she didn't even realize it was Ellen's. I'll call that a case of bad timing. As for me, that may have been the first time I had ever witnessed F-Bomb on the receiving end of a full moon. As for the bruise, apparently it involves falling down five rows of seats at Shea Stadium. Dave could tell the story better than I could.

Well, after an oversized draft beer, a Gin & Tonic, and not one but two playings of "Escape," we decided to call it a night. And what a good night it was. Celebrity sightings at The Backer included Godsey, Petitgout (maybe he followed us there), Sean Milligan (who apparently just randomly shows up wherever there's booze), Theresa Borton, and Ruth Riley, who was just hanging out on the arcade machine that replaced the Golden Tee. Oh, and Ellen was very drunk.

Speaking of Milligan just randomly showing up at places where there's booze: Yonto relayed to me a story about a time when he and Jess, his girlfriend, were helping one of Jess's friends get ready for a party at the friend's apartment. Milligan just happens to wander in, and asks if they have any beer. Yes, one of them replies, in fact we're having a party later. So, Milligan just sits down on the couch and waits for the party to start.

Back to the story. Now it's Saturday morning, and the plan is to meet at Martin's at 9 am. That is, of course, 9 local time, which is 10 Eastern Daylight Time (ahem, Katie). Jon Byrer and I separately manage to get there a little early (but not as early as Katie) and decide to head in and get some of the shopping done. In the store, Byrer happens to meet one of his friends, and then the friend's father. Well, the father finds out he's in law school, and it's on. Byrer proceeds to get lectured/grilled/made uncomfortable about why the third amendment is a total piece of crap. Or at least that's what I think the "conversation" was about. Anyways, after much confused wandering around the store, we finally find the pop and beer aisles. In the beer aisle, we pick up a six-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade for Cronk. All six bottles, by the way, are now sitting in my house. Dah. So we finish shopping and go to take the things out to Byrer's car. We get there, and see that the rest of our crew has just pulled in and parked by my car, a few rows over. So, we hop in Byrers car to move... and everyone starts heading for the store without seeing us. I roll down the window and call to them, which leads to a very confused reaction by Mike. Wait, my car's here. Why am I driving with Byrer? After everything was sorted out, we head in to the store to finish the shopping, which included some very meticulous donut seletion.

We load the cars, and track Katie down, and it's time to head to the tailgate. Now, not only has Klondike given up his Alaska driver's license and license plates, but now the Jeep is gone as well, replaced by a huge SUV. We place his car and my car back to back, and Mike is somehow able to craft a covering with his tarp. It was a fun time, and featured appearances by Aflac, Yonto, Anne, Lisa, Michelle, and Little Friend. All went well until it was time for Klondike to leave. Fortunately, he gave us a chance to untie the tarp first, so I was able to avoid witnessing my car being towed down Angela headed towards Chicagoland.

After warming up in COBA, where we picked up Scovil, we headed to the game. There, we picked up Wally, and later Jess. Jess, as some may have noticed, was a little not sober. I'd tell stories, but I'm probably already mean enough to her as it is. But let me tell you, they were pretty impressive. No, wait, they weren't 'impressive.' There's another word I'm going for, but I can't think of it now. Oh, nevermind. We had seats on the home side, near the south 5 yard line. That gave us a great view of some nice diving catches, solid tackling, and the hilarious bowling celebration. My dad later told me that, to even things out between the Blue first teamers and the Gold second teamers, Charlie Weis had been planning on calling some "creative" penalties. So, basically the end zone celebrations were encouraged so he had an excuse to throw a flag. How does 60 yards for the bowling celebration sound, giving Gold the ball first and goal on the 5?

After the game we went to Macri's, where story after story was told. And boy do I wish I remember some of those stories right now. Wally got a call during dinner, and he went around the table saying who was there. "Let's see - there's Dave, and Lisa, and Cronk, and Cronk's sister... in law...." After two or three hours, and probably more than a few dirty looks from management, we decided to head out. After dinner it was ice cream time... or so I'm told. Did I ever tell you how much I suck at driving around South Bend? Yeah. Moving on.

Back at the hotel, Michelle and Ellen spend countless hours talking about fashion, only to be interupted by Ellen's excitement when Justin Tuck was picked by the Giants. I should also point out that at this point Kim Rollings made an appearance - don't want her to be the only person I left out.

After a while, Dave, Ellen, and I went back to The Backer. There, we finally met up with "wannabe Kanka replacement" Brian Campbell and Katie Dwyer. Apparently, at one point while we were at The Backer (the bar), The Backer (the person) walked right by us. How about that. There was more beer and one more playing of "Escape," then it was time to go home.

Sunday morning I went to the TV mass at the Basilica, followed by brunch at Reckers. At 11:30, I realize, "Oh crap, this is Tippecanoe week, I'm going to miss everybody before I leave." I rush to Fisher in "Aflac late for his flight home from the Gator Bowl" mode and call Yonto/Scovil's room. No answer. Great. So, I head back to Keough, resigned to the fact that I would have to hang out for a few hours until they got back. I walk in to Aflac's room and turn left, only to be startled to find that Aflac was in fact sitting in the room, just to the right. Tippecanoe is next week. Genius.

Tangent time: Tippecanoe edition. A senior bone sent out a message to the bone listserv that simply said "Tippecanoe. Sunday, May 1. Noon. Be there." A confused freshman replied asking what this was all about. This led to some good ol' fashioned listserv abuse, which apparently ended with F-Bomb accusing Andy of having sand in, as Aflac put it, "a certain female body part." The next listserv email is from none other than Jane DeMoss. To paraphrase her email, she hadn't checked her Hotmail account in months, and the one email she decided to click on first was the one from F-Bomb. Apparently, though, Jane went on to tell Andy several reliable methods to cure his supposed sand ailment.

Back to the story. After staying a Keough for a while, I went over to Fisher, where I finally met up with Andy. He told me of his NDE experience, where he met Emily (I think I'm going for the name-dropping record here), who works at First Federal in the summers. He impressed her with his knowledge of Lorain, being Slovak, and the bank. She impressed him by knowing who he was, and be the scary fact that they knew so many of the same people.

After Fisher it was on to Lewis, where I caught Sarah hurredly getting ready for her concert that afternoon. She did pass along this one great story:

At one point this past weekend, Sarah was sitting down to eat with her friends at North. A guy with a National Championship-looking ring comes in with his wife and four or five very young kids (the same kids, by the way, that were on the field after the game). Before he sits down, he stops to talk to Sarah and the table. He asks all the usual stuff - year, major, are you going to the game. Then, little by little, he reveals stuff about himself. Yes, he did play football, from '86-'90. They talk a little more. Then, thinking the conversation is over, Sarah turns back around to her friends. Right then, the player confirms that he did play on the '88 championship team. Sarah turns back around, and he's handing her his championship ring! "It could have fit on two of my fingers!" It was an amazing sight - blue diamonds all over it, the works. Sarah passes it around the table, but first takes a peek at the name. Pat Terrell. After getting back from the dining hall, a little investigative research by the girls reveals that this was in fact the man who saved the season in the Miami game. Now, I know I butchered the story here in print, so if you get a chance, have Sarah tell it to you in person.

Well, that's all I got. The drive home was basically uneventful (unless you count the adventure that was a snow-covered off-ramp), so that's the end of the story. I'll be back later this week to look at the NFL fates of the ND draft hopefuls and the draft-day happenings of the Cleveland Browns.


"I'm just sayin'" - new bone catchphrase

"Apparently he likes football or something" - Klondike, on new friend Luke Petitgout

"I don't remember going to bed last night. I don't like that." - Ellen

"Ooh, look at me! I'm F-Bomb, talkin' about body parts. Random obscenity." - Yonto immitating Aflac dunring the infamous Aflac/F-Bomb "Look at Me" fight.

"Did he tell you about the hot girl?" "Only about five times." - Yonto, and then Kanka, discussing F-Bomb's conversation with Kanka about moving to Cleveland

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

A Look at ND's Draft Prospects

Disclaimer: Yes, I am an idiot. No, I don't have any idea what I'm talking about. I did almost all of this just by looking at the team rosters. So, you're probably right and I'm definitely wrong Take it to the message board.

Kyle Budinscak - DE

Cleveland: The Browns need D-Lineman, especially after losing 4 to Denver. As a "big" DE, he theoretically would be a fit in the 3-4. But, Cleveland will most likely have their man by the time Budinscak's at the top of the "Best Available" list.

Chicago: What, and steal Darrell's roster spot?

New York Giants: His competition would be Strahan and guys from Pitt, Rutgers, and Troy State.

Seattle: Good Lord, Seattle has more people with "de" in front of their name than the Montreal phone book!

Green Bay: The Packers right now are carrying one true DE, one DE/DT, one DE on the IR, one in NFL Europe, and one "unassigned" DE. That quantity, but it's certainly not quality at that position.

New York Jets: Deep and good. Not very likely.

Pittsburgh: No idea. The Steelers' roster site doesn't work. But again, he would make a decent 3-4 DE.

Philadelphia: Well, can he stop the run?

Quentin Burrell - S

Cleveland: The Browns added Brian Russell, and will be getting 2004 pick Sean Jones back from injury (while they still have Chris Crocker). I don't see this happening.

Chicago: Well, in Burrell's favor, I don't think I've heard of any of the Bears' 4 safties before.

New York Giants: The Giants are carrying 5 centers. Not happening.

Seattle: Seattle has a free safety named Terreal Bierria. I don't think you can compete with that. (Oh boy, I'll probably get a bunch of random Google hits for "Terreal Bierria" now.)

Green Bay: Fortunately for the CPF, the Packers already carry 5 safeties.

New York Jets: No big names at safety for the Jets, but there are already five of them.

Pittsburgh: Nope, Pittsburgh's too high on Troy Polamalu.

Philadelphia: Philadelphia has some big names at safety, so I don't see this happening.

Jared Clark - TE

Cleveland: Already on the roster are SSgt. Kellen and three guys coming off career years. If they don't take Collins, they're not taking Clark.

Chicago: What, and steal John Owens's roster spot?

New York Giants: Maybe he can be in Jeremy Shockey's posse.

Seattle: Heck with Terreal, the Seahawks have Itula Mili playing tight end. "Clark"? "Clark"? Bah.

Green Bay: Jared Clark just isn't the name that Bubba Franks or Ben Steele is.

New York Jets: Four nobodies at TE, but considering Clark's slide down the depth chart under Ty, I don't know if he has enough publicity to be noticed.

Pittsburgh: Yes? No? Maybe?

Philadelphia: They're not very deep at this position, as the whole hardhat incident proved last year.

Jerome Collins - TE

Cleveland: He's the #6 TE out there, and rising quickly. But, as alluded to above, that's one of the few places where Cleveland is already set.

Chicago: The Bears are carrying 6 TEs right now, but none are big name. Of course, neither is Collins, so that's a tough call.

New York Giants: Not a bad pick as a #2 TE in the late rounds.

Seattle: A Mili-Collins set wouldn't be a bad idea, especially considering how not-clutch the receivers can be on this team.

Green Bay: A Franks-Collins set also wouldn't be that bad.

New York Jets: Again, not a strong position for the Jets. But, with that being the case, would the Jets take one of the five "better" tight ends?

Pittsburgh: Possibly. Collins is still raw talent, and you'd rather have an experienced and reliable option for Ben Roethlisberger.

Philadelphia: Can you argue that Collins is better than LJ Smith? If so, draft him.

Derek Curry - OLB

Cleveland: The Browns have tons of good linebackers, and may add another in the first round. Nothing against Curry at all, but there's no room for him.

Chicago: What, and steal Carl Diggs's roster spot? Oh, yeah, go ahead.

New York Giants: Quick, name one linebacker for the Giants. Ellen? Anyone?

Seattle: Blah blah blah Chad Brown.

Green Bay: The Packers have 10 linebackers between their active and NFL Europe rosters. There's a chance, but not much of one.

New York Jets: This is already a young unit (only 3 of 8 players with more than 3 years experience). With adding Vilma last year, do they really need Curry?

Pittsburgh: Sure, he's a decent 3-4 backer. But, Pittsburgh is notoriously great at that position.

Philadelphia: Again, it comes down to stopping the run. Curry is more of a pass rusher.

Dwight Ellick - CB

Cleveland: The Browns do need help at CB, but rumors have them looking at Kent (not a) State's Abram Elam.

Chicago: He had better start growing his hair now to play CB in the NFC North. While we're on the subject, why isn't Preston Jackson listed on anyone's list of draft prospects?

New York Giants: The good news: New York has no big-name CBs. The bad news: they still have 6 CBs.

Seattle: Son, I know Bobby Taylor, and you're no Bobby Taylor.

Green Bay: Unfortunately for the CPF, the Packers are not very deep at CB, a position of high scrutiny last year.

New York Jets: The Jets look pretty good at this position talent wise. Maybe Ellick can be a depth pickup, but I don't know.

Pittsburgh: Well, he can't be any worse than their 2003 cornerbacks. But, Pittsburgh did improve at that position in 2004.

Philadelphia: The only thing going for Ellick is that Jim Johnson used to coach at ND.

Mike Goolsby - ILB

Cleveland: He got 2 stars from Bernie's Insiders. Theoretically, a decent fit as an undrafted player, if the team already wasn't deep at linebacker.

Chicago: Hometown boy (Joliet Catholic). Don't be surprised if he's an undrafted signee.

New York Giants: I'll ask again: name a linebacker for the Giants.

Seattle: Kacyvenski. Koutouvides. I have a better chance of playing ILB for this team than Goolsby does.

Green Bay: Again, the relative depth is the drawback here.

New York Jets: Wilma is an inside linebacker (I hope), so Curry probably has a better chance than Goolsby.

Pittsburgh: I can picture Goolsby as a Steeler (and for once that's not an insult from me), but again, you need to be a superstar to play linebacker for Bill Cowher.

Philadelphia: You know what, as an all-around linebacker, I really don't see him as a bad fit anywhere.

Ryan Grant - RB

Cleveland: With Suggs, Droughns, and 2004 pick Echemandu (and that Green guy), there's just no room for Grant, even if he is the #14 back. Plus, not being able to catch passes out of the backfield doesn't help his case.

Chicago: Somebody's got to back up Thomas Jones.

New York Giants: Gone is Ron Dayne, so there is a posibility. By the way, Ellen: every time you here Jim Finn's name, do you out of habit go, "Ooh, Jim Flynn! I LOOOVE him!" That's what I picture every time I hear his name.

Seattle: OK, I guess when you have Shaun Alexander, you don't really need a backup. But, again, Grant's lack of catching ability won't help his case in this offense.

Green Bay: Despite injury problems, Green Bay still has three backs who get good playing time. Unless Grant suddenly surpasses Tony Fisher in ability, there's no room for him. (By the way, did you know Tony's full name is Antoine?)

New York Jets: The depth is gone with the loss of Jordan. If Little John Flowers is good enough for the Jets, why isn't Grant?

Pittsburgh: Well, there needs to be a third option behind Duce and The Bus. It's a possibility. (But again, I don't have a roster in front of me, so I have no idea who Pittsburgh has behind Staley and Bettis.)

Philadelphia: Is Brian Westbrook a good receiving halfback because they throw to him so much, or do they throw to him so much because he's a good receiving halfback? And aren't you sick of me continuously getting on Grant for the receiving thing?

Carlyle Holiday - WR

Cleveland: I actually like this one. The Browns' WR corps went from the best and deepest in the league to an assorted array of flotsam with inconsistent hands. Holiday could learn the return game under Dennis Northcutt, and possibly even step in at kick returner.

Chicago: Hey, I'd rather have him than Craig Krenzel or Chad Hutchinson.

New York Giants: The Giants added Plaxico Burress this year. Unless Burress does something stupid, they should be set at WR. So, in other words, Holiday still has a chance.

Seattle: Mike Holmgren: "Carlyle, when someone throws you the ball, are you supposed to catch it, or drop it?" Carlyle: "Hey man, I'm not Kanka." Holmgren: "You're hired."

Green Bay: Two very good wide receivers, and a guy listed on the depth chart as a kick returner. Plus, if Green Bay had no patience with Tim Couch, they won't look to move Carlyle back to QB.

New York Jets: The Jets are deep at receiver. Despite the loss of Santana Moss, they do have Jonathan Carter listed at KR.

Pittsburgh: He plays wide receiver. He used to play quarterback. He can return kicks. Theoretically, it's a great match.

Philadelphia: Not greedy. Not in love with his own voice. Doesn't always demand the ball. Apparently, though, that doesn't matter in Philadelphia.

Billy Palmer - TE

Cleveland: Again, too deep. If I did happen, though, I would volunteer to be in his posse.

Chicago: Blah blah Owens question mark.

New York Giants: I doubt Jesse has that much pull with the management. Billy would be another good candidate for Shockey's posse, though.

Seattle: The Seahawks carry 5 tight ends. That might be enough.

Green Bay: Well, they do have that three TE running set, and Billy is a good run blocker.

New York Jets: I don't think the Billy-Jesse "crosstown" rivalry would really get that much hype. Sorry, Ellen.

Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh does love to grind it out on the ground, and again Palmer is a good run blocker.

Philadelphia: OK, if your three main tight ends are from Rutgers, Kentucky, and Marshall, anything can happen.

Greg Pauly - DT

Cleveland: The Browns need numbers on the line, so it's not completely out of the question.

Chicago: Blah blah Darrell snacky cakes. (Tangent: What ever happened to Ryan Roberts? Google knows: he's now playing with the Memphis Xploders of the AFL2 (Arena League).

New York Giants: Maybe if Pauly tells New York that he went to Troy State. That seemed to work a couple of times already.

Seattle: Really, I just can't picture Pauly in those ugly uniforms.

Green Bay: They look like they're just too deep at the position. I won't rule it out, but it wouldn't be during the draft.

New York Jets: The Jets aren't terribly deep at tackle, but Pauly would be stealing Lance Legree's roster spot.

Pittsburgh: Is he good enough to play NT on a three man line?

Philadelphia: It's Paul Grasmanis's roster spot.

Justin Tuck - DE

Cleveland: He's just the kind of guy the Browns need - a DE who can play a Terrell Suggs-type rushing LB in the 3-4. Not a bad pick if they trade down. The problem? The Browns are already looking at Cedric Benson at #3, and would possibly take QB Charlie Frye with their second round pick. (Tuck is predicted late first/early second round, but I haven't seen a mock draft yet that has him going in the 1st.)

Chicago: Well, Adewale Ogunleye can't play both DE positions.

New York Giants: Strahan and Tuck. Think about it. Plus, Strahan won't be around forever. It's a good pick.

Seattle: Well, we know Tuck is better than Grant Wistrom, but does Seattle know that?

Green Bay: Well, that depends. Is having two star pass rushers (Tuck and KGB) a good thing, or a bad thing (due to lack of balance)?

New York Jets: This is another case where being too much in the mold of John Abraham may be a problem.

Pittsburgh: Perhaps the only person in this article good enough to play LB (or DE) in the Steeler 3-4.

Philadelphia: A good fit in this defense as a combination player. But, the Eagles already have a good front 7.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Last Weekend’s Weekend in Review

By Ellen Fitzgerald with some assistance from David Schmitt

Ok I know this is a bit late but better late than never so here we go. . .

Last Friday Dave and I went to see the Eagles at the Meadowlands. I bought him the tickets for Valentine's Day. After eating burritos in Bryant Park and getting chased out by pigeons, we headed over to the Port Authority (GIANT bus depot that covers multiple city blocks) to catch the shuttle bus to the Meadowlands. Bad things happen at the Port Authority – people get assaulted in the butt, or taken down by cops after trying to start drunken brawls, as Dave has actually witnessed. After getting lost, as we do every time we are there, we find the ticket booth. While on line a possible homeless man in a green polo shirt comes up to me (I was wearing a green pea coat) and says “Hey St. Patrick’s Day is over!” And I respond “Hey, right back at you. And it is St. Patrick’s Day every day”. He thought that was a good answer, chuckled, wished us a good weekend and went along his merry way. Gotta love New York.

We then proceed to the area where the bus was leaving from and we can’t help but overhear the conversation of the couple in front of us. Yeah, the girl was DEFINITELY a stripper. Like I said, gotta love New York.

Once we get to the concert, we have to wait to get in because the doors weren’t open yet. Once they do, we get inside, and I fall asleep until the show starts. Hey, no laughing, I’m not narcoleptic; I was just up since 3:45 that morning watching the Pope’s funeral.

The show itself was great. I know everyone knows some of the typical Eagles songs like “Hotel California” and “Take it Easy” but pretty much every song they sing is well known and the whole time you are at the show you are saying “Wow, I know that song, I didn’t know they sang that.” Overall GREAT show, they played for hours. Best part was the fact that these guys, especially one of the guitarists who was totally out of control, knew that they were old stars. They basically took advantage of that and said and did whatever they wanted like snickering at the fact that it was a Farewell tour because no tour that is called that really is, and asking women to flash them etc. As you all would put it, high comedy.

After the show, Dave and I had specific instructions of how to meet my dad. (He was working the show and was giving us a ride home) We had to wait for him in the lobby until the arena was cleared out. At that point he came down and told us to go outside to the right until we see an opening where we needed to meet him. Surprisingly one of the least sketchy things I’ve had to do to find my dad at work. The entire way home my dad yacked (which is WEIRD for him) about drunk old people stories from the concert.

The next day, Dave and I were headed down to Lawrenceville, NJ (near Princeton) to my friend Jen’s Cold Stone Creamery (ice cream shop) opening. Before that, we swung by my town’s little league parade to see my boss’s kids march. It was TOTALLY adorable. So after that we headed down to the store thinking that a few of Jen’s friends were going to be there to wish her good luck on her endeavor. Instead when we got there it turned out being this HUGE think in honor of the store opening. There were multiple bounce castles, firemen giving people rides on the cherry picker, clowns, local sports celebrities from minor league baseball and hockey teams, a radio station, etc. (and a special guest who we can’t mention yet). The wait to buy ice cream was even about 45 minutes long! While we were on line we spy one of the “celebrity” scoopers who looks really familiar. After putting two and two together, Dave and I guess that he may be an ND hockey player. So Dave just screams, “Hey Hockey Guy, where did you play in college?” Turns out we were correct, it was Connor Dunlap and he is currently playing in a NJ minor league. Totally exciting. We hung out down there for a while with Rhiana (she exists!) and Brian, a friend of hers from work, Jen and her family, and waited for Lis and her brother Billy and Scott and Kim to show up. Finally Scott and Kim came, apparently he had a bit of a Frisbee accident (to quote Scott: “I hurt my butt”) and as we were leaving Lis and Billy showed up. Their navigation system in their car gave them the wrong directions. . .hmmm

After we left, we went back home to meet my parents for church which was immediately followed by dinner. Picture it, Dave, me, my parents, my boss’s parents (good friend of the family) at this hotdog stand by my house. We are all sitting at a table and my mom and Claire (boss’s mom) decide it would be really fun if they order beer (they don’t drink much) and sound like a bunch of 16 year olds trying to order with a fake id. They really thought they were sooo cool. My mom tries to tell the waitress what she wants (a corona) but can’t remember what it is called and try to describe it with her hands, like the good little full breed Italian that she is. Then Claire, who I think is already drunk on sacramental wine, hold up a ketchup bottle and says she wants one of those. We were all very confused. Turns out she just wanted a beer in a bottle. . .

The rest of the weekend wasn’t very exciting. Sunday Dave and I really just sat on my deck, drank beer and listened to baseball. . .

Look for another update from us coming next week as we are heading to see Pedro’s first start at Shea Stadium, I’m buying Dave dinner as per our tourney bet, and an outing to one of the most Long Island bars in existence.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Steroids in Baseball

KankaNation has been asked to participate in a poll about steroids in baseball. You can get to the poll here, or by clicking on the new link at the top of the page. You can go directly to the results here.

Vote early and often - the website that refers the most voters to the poll wins a free PSP for it's webmaster (that's me) - I'll be sure to give everyone a turn (to watch me play - who said that?).

Monday, April 11, 2005

The Weekend in Review

"The Words Part Sucks, So Just Look at the Pretty Pictures" Edition

First, a little game of"Who's that KankaManiac?" courtesy Planearium and South Park Studios:

Miscellaneous Ramblings

  • Senior CLASS fan voting has ended, and the results can be found here. Jackie Batteast fell to a distant second behind Kendra Wecker of Kansas State, while Chris Thomas ended in a third place tie behind two big names in the tournament, Wayne Simien and Taylor Coppenrath. At least he beat the new Smirnoff Ice King, Daniel Ewing.

  • Ellen - the next time you talk to Nick Setta, ask him if it's distracting to play with a giant beer logo on his jersey.

  • So, the Cavs are floundering, and the Cleveland sportswriters are panicking. The fear is that LeBron James will be gone once his contract is up, and may even ask for a trade at the end of this season. Why? The team is in a freefall, and everyone is pointing to new owner Dan Gilbert's apparent overeagerness to load the staff with "his guys." Paul Silas, supposedly hand picked to be LeBron's guiding hand in the NBA, was fired weeks ago. Silas was known not to be a great X's and O's guy, but he could connect to the players and was putting together a support staff that was good at X's and O's. But, as much as he could connect with the players, he couldn't connect with the new management, and he let everyone know about it as soon as the sale rumors started. LeBron was confused and maybe upset by the firing, but he was also reportedly upset to the point that he didn't want to be a Cav when John Lucas was fired during Lebron's senior year of high school (during which he illegally worked out with Lucas and the Cavs). Rumor has it that Gilbert's friend Bill Laimbeer (who owes what he is to Notre Dame and the beer at CJ's) may be the next head coach. Laimbeer, however, claims he's happy in the WNBA (a fact that seems to confuse many meathead sports guys). Meanwhile, GM Jim Paxson, best known for helping to piss Paul Silas off by making the monster deal for Jiri Welch at the trade deadline, is said to be gone at the end of the year. Originally, it is claimed that when Gilbert first made the announcement, he said that Paxson would be out "within 48 hours." That has since changed to the end of the season, but it hasn't helped Gilbert's image any.

  • To top everything off, there's the Jeff McInnis debate. McInnis was benched by Silas, and later by new coach Brendan Malone. The knock against him was that he couldn't run the halfcourt offense. So, he was replaced by veteran Eric Snow, and in fact McInnis found nights when he didn't even play at all. But, the Cavs were taking 15 points and 5 assists out of the lineup. It didn't help that in one of the first games that McInnis sat, Snow had 0 points. Well, it turns out that the Cavs will be bringing Snow back next year, but McInnis most likely will be gone. So, why not start the guy you'll have next year, and bring the short-timer off the bench? Well, McInnis's ego is why not - he couldn't handle coming off the bench. So, McInnis is starting once again, but Snow (who's also a superior defender) is seeing increased playing time.

  • Meanwhile, I don't even want to think about Zydrunas Ilgauskas (a free agent after this year), Michael Redd, Ray Allen, or Joe Johnson. I do know this, though - if Gilbert loses LeBron, he'll be run out of town like the next Art Modell.

  • Remind me next week to do another NFL Draft Preview. As of right now, lists Collins (who's been doing surprisingly well from what I've heard), Curry, Goolsby, and Tuck on their Draft Tracker, while Bernie's Insiders adds Budinscak, Clark, Ellick, Grant, and Palmer to that list. Most places I've seen list Tuck as the #6 DE - impressive since that position is absolutely loaded with talent this year. According to sources, Tuck could go late first round/early second, and also could be used as an outside linebacker in a 3-4, a la Terrell Suggs. Collins is a nice #6 at tight end on Bernie's Insiders, while Grant is the #14 running back. NFL Draft basically lists Collins as yet another victim of the talent graveyard.

Transaction Wire

  • Browns sign safety Brian Russell. Russell followed a 9-interception sophomore 2003 with only 1 interception in 2004, and many pointed the finger at this performance as one of the main reasons for the Vikings' secondary struggles. Russell did have 81 tackles, however, and can't be any worse than Robert Griffith when it comes to wrapping people up.

  • The 1999 Indians add Wil Cordero to the DL and activate Carlos Baerga. Oh wait, sorry, that's actually the 2005 Nationals.

  • Astros sign P/OF Brooks Kieschnick. Let's see, the Astros have Kieschnick, and the Cards have Rick Ankiel. Quick, Mike, get someone to teach Jerry Hairston to throw off a mound if you want any chance of winning this division!

And that's all for tonight. Remember, your second lineup deadline of the season is this Friday at 5 pm.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

The (whatever) in Review

Been a While, Hasn't It?

  • NBDL names Matt Carroll their MVP. Carroll, now with the Bobcats, averaged over 20 points per game with Roanoke. Now, he's averaging just over 8 points in just under 17 minutes, including 17 versus Toronto last Friday and 20 at the Bulls on Saturday. He's no dummy, either, getting to the line a ton (57 free throw attempts in 17 games) and making his free throws (48, 84.2%).

  • Notre Dame has fallen to a distant 5th in the Director's Cup standings behind Stanford, Michigan, Texas, and Wisconsin. Who makes up the point system, though? A 24th place finish in women's swimming gets 49.5 points, a 20th place finish in men's indoor track 53.5, and a combined men's and women's fencing championship gets a whopping 50 points. Huh?

  • You know how I like to spend my Easter? Showing up at the airport at 5:30 pm to find my flight has been delayed until 9:45 due to weather. Then, when the weather clears at 9:30, finding out that Atlanta air traffic control is going to let a bunch of people go ahead of us; we left finally at 12:30. Fun. Fortunately, when I told the people at the training class I was going to that I was working on 1 1/2 hours of sleep, they let me sneak down to the programmer's vending machine, which of course had an ample supply of Mountain Dew.

  • Bubble tea. Good stuff. You gotta try it.

  • Browns trade Mike Myers and Ebenezer Ekuban for Reuben Droughns. I haven't seen yet if Droughns is just going to be insurance for Lee Suggs, or of they're going to be a 1-2 punch. Meanwhile, the Browns' new 3-4 offense is starting to look more like a 0-7, as Myers, Ekuban, Courtney Brown, and Gerard Warren are now all with the Broncos (the Broncos' d-line coach used to work for Cleveland). My hope for Cleveland in the draft is that they pull a Bill Parcells and trade down their #3 pick for two decent players - there are tons of good defensive ends/tackles out there, plus a couple decent DBs.

  • Nets name Petra Pope director of marketing. Wait a minute, this guy's name is "Pope Peter!" How did I miss him in my last column?

  • Obligatory Cleveland sports reporter moment: Zydrunas Ilgauskas missed the last game with a dislocated finger.

  • Obligatory Cleveland sports reporter follow-up: Tape it up and get out there! (Seriously, there has not been a Cleveland sports reporter who hasn't followed up a report on Z missing the game without telling him to suck it up in the very next sentence. It's almost as if Ilgauskas is out with a dislocated fingertapeitupandgetoutthere.)

  • Rockies trade Charles Johnson for Byung-Hyun Kim. Johnson is released by the BoSox and signed as a backup in Tampa Bay. Huh? What? When did this happen?

  • Has anyone seen Ludacris's new song/video "Number One Spot"? All he does is quote Austin Powers to a background beat - and it's not even a song from an Austin Powers soundtrack! Right now Mike and Klondike (ok, and me too) are drooling at their keyboards and trying to think up a beat to go with their Monty Python/Dirty Work/Office Space quotes. Visit Ludacris's site and click "Launch Music Player" as it scrolls by to hear the song - but only if you don't mind all the completely unnecessary half-naked girls at work.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Who Will be the Next Pope?

Cardinal Francis Arinze, Prefect of the Congregation of Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments

The Upside: An African or Latin pope seems to be a popular choice (to bring attention to the issues surrounding those parts of the world). He's spend the last 20 years in the Vatican, and at 72 he's about the perfect age. Loves soccer, is a leader in interfaith discussion.
The Downside: I would say he's a traditionalist; most westerners would call him "out of touch."

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Archbishop of Buenos Aires

The Upside: Again, one of the representatives of a large Latin American community.
The Downside: Hard to find material on him that's in english.

Cardinal Godfried Danneels, Archbishop of Mechelen-Brussels

The Upside: Has "God" in his first name. Considered by some to be a close second in the running; this could give him the papacy as a "compromise" candidate.
The Downside: Apparently, he needs to fix the "N" and "E" keys on his keyboard.

Cardinal Dario Castrillon Hoyos, Prefect of the Congregation for Clergy

The Upside: 75 years old. From Colombia, he is another Latin American candidate.
The Downside: Huge supporter of The Passion of The Christ, which may not go over well in Jewish circles.

Cardinal Walter Kasper, President of the Pontifical Council for Promoting Christian Unity

The Upside: 72. Very active in Catholic-Jewish relations and inter-Christian relations.
The Downside: Well, if you're Cardinal Ratzinger, you're not a big fan, as the two have argued back and forth in their publications for the past decade and a half.

Cardinal Jean-Marie Lustiger, Archbishop of Paris

The Upside: Working hard to make religion "fashionable" again in France. At 78, he'd be perfect if the Cardinals were just looking for a stopgap until a better candidate comes available. Of course, that was the plan with John XXXII....
The Downside: Born to Jewish parents, he converted to Catholicism at age 14 (after they were killed at a concentration camp), but "I was born a Jew and so I am." Supposedly, the naming of a "Second Jewish Pope" (the first one was named Peter - you may have heard of him) is a sign of the End of Days.

Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga, Archbishop of Tegucigalpa

The Upside: President of CELAM, the federation of Latin American bishops. If that's not a stepping stone to this papacy, I don't know what is. Strong defender of the poor, but his defense at times includes criticism of capitalism.
The Downside: Only 62. Also, do you know how fun it is to say "Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga, Archbishop of Tegucigalpa"? Do you want to give that up?

Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier, Archbishop of Durban (South Africa)

The Upside: Head of the SACBC, which I'm assuming stands for the South Africa Catholic Bishops Council. A vote for this guy is a vote for human rights in Africa. Interesting notes: Is an Irish Franciscan, former cricket player, and Internet enthusiast. Enjoys CCR, Neil Diamond, and Paul Simon.
The Downside: Downside? Did you see the part about CCR?

Cardinal Christoph Schonborn, Archbishop of Vienna

The Upside: Big-time author. Born in the Czech Republic, which is almost as cool as Slovakia.
The Downside: At age 60, he is the youngest candidate listed by the New York Times.

Cardinal Angelo Scola, Patriarch of Venice

The Upside: Spent 1995-2002 in Rome.
The Downside: Only 63.

Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi, Archbishop of Milan

The Upside: 71 years old. Allegedly, he is the odds-on favorite of the bookmakers. Milan is one of the world's largest Dioceses, with 5 million members.
The Downside: Maybe a little too Italian - doesn't travel much and doesn't know too many languages. That's trouble in today's diverse yet connected world.

Cardinal Juan Luis Cipriani Thorne, Peru

The Upside: An engineer who once played for the national basketball team. Played a key role in a hostage crisis with Maoist gorillas.
The Downside: Only 61.

Cardinal Jean-Louis Tauran, France

The Upside: Speaks French, English, Spanish, Italian - impressive, but he's no JPII.
The Downside: Turned 62 on April 5.

Cardinal Polycarp Pengo, Archbishop of Dar-es-Salaam (Tanzania)

The Upside: Passionate evangelical, could make the Church in Africa even stronger.
The Downside: Only 60. Maybe next time, kid.

Cardinal Vinko Puljic, Archbishop of Vrhbosna (Sarajevo)

The Upside: Comes from a corner of the world where Catholics aren't well liked - he could be a positive, if he strives for peace, or a negative, if he starts speaking against the Muslim (and other relgions) who aren't coexisting with the Catholics in Sarajevo.
The Downside: 59. Wasn't a big fan of the American action in the former Yugoslavia.

Cardinal Josip Bozanic, Archbishop of Zagreb (Croatia)

The Upside: Another guy from a war-torn part of the world. A three-month papacy shouldn't be a worry here.
The Downside: 56. He's only been a cardinal for a year and a half.

Cardinal Crescenzio Sepe, Prefect of the Congregation for the Evangelization of Peoples/Grand Chancellor of the Pontifical Urban University

The Upside: Dave would be very fired up that a relative of his former RA would now be pope.
The Downside: 61. Non-Catholics would not be happy if a guy with "Evangelization of Peoples" in his title took power.

Stan Musial, Cardinal (retired)

The Upside: "The Man" is considered one of baseball's all-time good guys. The (Arch)Diocese of St Louis is already in his corner.
The Downside: At 84, he may be a little older than what the conclave is looking for.

Dennis Brown, Software Engineer

The Upside: Baptized adult Catholic male, actively running for pope. Ranks high on a Google search for 'who will be the next pope.'
The Downside: "Progressive" views may not be seen well by a College of Cardinals comprised mainly of John Paul II appointees.

William Foley II, aka Isreal daGoi

The Upside: Actively running for pope.
The Downside: Not quite Catholic. Technically not a problem if he agrees to convert, but I doubt he realizes this.

Ed Griffin, former priest

The Upside: Declared candidacy. Has a platform.
The Downside: It's a little more "Western Hemisphere populism" than "Catholic morality."

Mike Painter

The Upside: Declared candidacy.
The Downside: Declared it on Usenet, which nobody actually uses anymore.

Rachel Wittington, student

The Upside: Actively running for pope.
The Downside: Hey, I don't make the rules, but she is a girl. Plus, if you want to be serious, you have to do better than an Angelfire website.

Avery Ant, insect

The Upside: From his website: "Why the hell not? I can speak Pig Latin, I’ll kick antichrist ass, I already own a Pope Costume, I’m a total stud, I’m fun-loving and quirky, and I really think the Lord would be cool with it. And let’s be honest, I'm better than Satan... Or am I?"
The Downside: See above. Also, he's an ant.

Fr. John I. Jenkins, CSC

The Upside: Catholic priest; not afraid to make a controversial decision.
The Downside: A little young; already has a good job.

Fr. Theodore Hesburgh, CSC

The Upside: Catholic priest; leader of the Civil Rights movement; great national respect. One of those in the "most amazing man I've ever met" category.
The Downside: The conclave wants an older priest, but 87 is pushing it.

Mary Pope Osborne, writer

The Upside: One of the first non-JPII results on a Google search for "pope." Writes children's books.
The Downside: Again the female thing. Also, may not be Catholic.

Fr. Bill Seetch, CSC

The Upside: Catholic priest. And heck, he already shows up everywhere anyways.
The Downside: May be a little too young.

Jack Palance, actor/former Stanford Cardinal

The Upside: Has a captivating way of speaking.
The Downside: Already 85, plus it's hard to look at him without thinking about aftershave commercials.

Bobby Petrino, Louisville Cardinals head football coach

The Upside: A proven leader of young people
The Downside: Already said he isn't going anywhere.

Lou Holtz, retired

The Upside: Deeply devoted to "Our Lady." About the perfect age.
The Downside: Do pregame fights as a football coach equate to the return of the Crusades as a pope?