Monday, February 07, 2005

Super Bowl XXXXIXXIXXXIX. Or whatever.

by Klondike, special to KankaNation

I suppose I have to contribute some sort of meaningful, Super-Bowl-Related commentary to the blog. The Whiskey Monster has been trying to convince me to do a colorful and insightful review of the game, backed up with statistics and historical facts and whatnot. Unfortunately, the Whiskey Monster left after half time, and the Gin Fiend had to take over.

The Gin Fiend doesn't know fuck-all about sports. I had to go with the next best thing.

Commercial Highlights:

  • Bud Light: One of the first ones out there, where the pilot jumps after the beer. Simple. Funny. Short and sweet. Thumb up.

  • Quiznos: That talking baby. Slightly humorous the first time we saw it. Incredibly annoying the 98th time we saw it. Thumb down.

  • Fed-Ex: 10 things needed in a Super Bowl Commercial. Groin kicks, dancing grizzly bears, and hot girls. Thumb up.

  • Subway: Two guys in a car eating sandwiches. This does absolutely nothing for me. Way to blow your advertising bucks, guys. Thumb down.

  • GoDaddy.Com: Hot Girl on a spoof of C-Span. Hilarious. Thumb up.

  • Diet Pepsi: P-Diddy gets a ride in a Diet Pepsi truck, causing everybody to drive one. Thumb up on the monster Diet Pepsi truck.

  • Regular Pepsi: Thumb up on the beautiful girls. Thumb down on the terrible, terrible commercial.

  • Lays: Random nonsense getting thrown over a fence, including MC Hammer. Awesome. Thumb up.

  • U.S.Cellular: Some guy shoving his pelvis at people. Plus, it's an old commercial. Thumb down. Way down.

  • Tobasco Sauce: Hot Sauce. Hot Girl. Thumb Up.

  • Nascar: Pirates? Thumb up. Nascar? Thumb down. Nice try.

  • CareerBuilder.Com: A normal guy working with a bunch of monkeys. We've all had days like this. Did I mention Monkeys? Thumb up.

  • Anheuser-Busch: Airport travelers giving a standing ovation to American soldiers. Well done. Thumb Up.

  • American Mortgage: 'Don't Judge Too Quickly' Situational comedy, Thumb up. The guy looking like an idiot every time (as opposed to the girl) Thumb down.

  • Hyundai: Ugly pickup truck, thumb down. Big-Ass Alaskan belt buckle, thumb up.

  • Bubblicious: LeBron James walks out acting like LeBron James. This is a commercial for Bubblicious. ?! Thumb gouging out eyeballs.

Potential Things That We Should've Seen, But Didn't:

  • The Eagles winning the Super Bowl.

  • Paul McCartney's Breast.

  • Team captains beating the ever-loving crap out of that little kid for such a bullshit coin toss.

  • Paul McCartney's Drummer's Breast.

  • Bush vs. Clinton Celebrity Deathmatch.

Why yes, Mr. Fiend, I will have an extra olive with that.

All the best.

Editor's note: First of all, I hope Klondike's not too pissed that I blatantly stole this from the message board. Second, I'll be back tomorrow with a Weekend in Review, and later this week with MLB Preview #2.