Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Klondike's Frozen Booze Drinking Tips

by Klondike, Resident Alaskan and Wine Taster

Editor's Note: With wind chills in the Midwest lower than Neifi Perez' VORP, and bitterly lukewarm temperatures ravishing the South, we turn to our Resident Alaskan for cold weather survival tips.
One of Klondike's favorite cold weather horror stories involves Alaskans who leave booze outside in freezing temperatures. Alcohol itself freezes at a temperature much lower than water, so it will remain a liquid even if left out overnight. However, if one were to drink said booze the next morning, they could essentially kill themselves by freezing their internal organs. Here are some tips from Klondike for avoiding such an awkward (but yummy) death.

1)Just swish the booze around in your mouth for a bit to warm it up, then swallow it. The first time hurts a lot, but soon you won't even feel it.

2)Only keep really, really hard alcohol outside. Just before you drink it, light it on fire to warm it up.

3)Buy one of these.

4)Cuddle with the bottle for a bit before drinking it.

5)Put the booze in the freezer for a few minutes to warm it up.

6)Heat the booze in an empty soup can over an open fire. Then drink it like the hobo you've become.

7)Buy an SUV. Sit out in the parking lot and gun the engine for an hour twice a day. Wait for global warming to heat the booze.

8)Let Ricky Martin hold the booze for a minute. That guy is hot hot hot!

9)Club a baby seal.

10)Pack the booze in a self-addressed box with sufficient postage. Pack that box in a larger box, and mail that larger box to Guam. Allow a few weeks for the booze to get there and warm up a bit. Then, call Guam and have them mail it back to you.

All the best.