Eighteen Culinary Uses For Selected Sports Equipment, In Ascending Order Of How Much Of A Mess You Will Make

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: ND 27, Navy 23

#18: Football Dial-a-Down
Ready for the second course? Dial up the "2" on this handy tool.

#17: Hockey Puck
Four of these will make a classy coaster set.

#16: Baseball Plates
A ready replacement for actual plates, as far as keeping food off the table is concerned.

#15: Baseball Catcher Chest Protector
Stitch on a phrase like "kiss the cook" and you've got a cooking apron. These can also be used to smother grease fires.

#14: Baseball Mitt
These provide much more protection than your average oven mitt. Especially useful when handling hot potatoes.

#13: Protective Cup
The breathable versions can be used to separate egg yolks from the whites. Non-breathable models can be used for anything from soup cups to sundae bowls. Gross.

#12: Football Helmet
You can use these for salad bowls in a pinch. Also good to wear for those weekend chefs that forget to close the cupboard doors.

#11: Basketball Shot Clock
Great for cooking things in 35-second increments. If you're a professional chef you only get 24 seconds.

#10: Fencing Foil
Use this to super-size that shish kebab. You can also use this to spit a roast over the bonfire.

#9: Cricket Bats
These are handy for cooking pizzas and loaves of bread in masonry ovens. You can also flip those burgers from three feet away.

#8: Hockey Stick
If you're looking for a unique sushi presentation, look no further. Also good for passing foods across the table.

#7: Fencing Mask
A perfect colander. These can also be used for other sieve-related tasks, like sifting flour or finding the ring you lost in the soup.

#6: Golf Putter
Golf isn't a sport.

#5: Tennis Racket
With a properly applied forearm, you can dice just about anything with one of these.

#4: Hockey Ice Skates
Cutting the cheese has never been so easy! These can also be used to stomp-chop fruits and vegetables Riverdance-style.

#3: Jai Alai Basket-Glove
These can serve mashed potatoes at speeds exceeding 180 miles per hour. They also allow for the hands-free consumption of banana splits.

#2: Soccer Cleats
Another culinary necessity, with uses ranging from mashing grapes for wine to turning pancakes into waffles.

#1: Baseball Bat
The toughest meat in your freezer can be tenderized with one of these. It also works as a juicer.