Thursday, November 29, 2007

Ten Tragically-Overlooked Performance Enhancers, In Increasing Magnitude Of Performance Enhancement

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Painter Stilts: These provide both an increase in stride length and a height advantage. The most obvious advantages would be realized by basketball players, but baseball outfielders and football receivers would also enjoy a significant boost.

Extending Boxing Glove: Knock that point-after attempt out of the sky. Can also be used in regular boxing to win the match without leaving the safety and comfort of your corner.

Pole-Vault Pole: Try tagging the base-runner now. Also provides a unique way of getting past the line of scrimmage. Good for some new and unique hockey penalties if used in a sufficiently unconventional manner.

Spooky Ghost Costume: Any antagonist off of the original Scooby-Doo cartoons would work. This will work in any position where speed can be sacrificed for intimidation. A defensive line, for instance, or any kind of goalkeeper. Watch out for meddling kids.

Chevrolet Monte Carlo: Any sport where speed is a primary necessity. Think about returning a punt or running the bases. Note: Such an enhancement is actually legal in NASCAR.

Trebuchet: The basic functionality has been proven for centuries. The opposing team's punt will look pathetic after your special-team launches the ball a half-mile. Is dodgeball a sport? Dodgeball is a sport. Sure, you can dodge a wrench, but can you dodge a three-hundred-pound dodgeball of doom?

Keanu Reeves: Unstoppable execution coupled with questionable physics makes Keanu Reeves a winning enhancement to any team sport. Warning: Slow-motion replays of Keanu's ultra-slow-motion moves may cause time itself to stop. Keep a crazy telephone booth handy at all times.

Cheerleaders: Many sports have tragically overlooked the benefits of cheerleaders. Baseball, soccer, lacrosse, wrestling . . . they are all begging for some sprightly ladies to really pump up that home-field advantage.

The CIA: Plant a mole in the opposing team's huddle. Assassinate the third-base coach. Enhance your own counter-espionage operations by planting false practice tapes. Extort some good players out of third-world dictatorships. The questionable pharmaceutical research is also a bonus, though screening potential drugs in the minor leagues first is recommended.

The Force: Really, what can't the Force do? You'll never miss a shot. Anticipation of your opponent's moves would be second to none. Cut through that defense with the ol' lightning-finger-zaparoo. No other wrestler could compete with your choke hold. Forget about Converse shoes; the Force really does help you run faster, jump higher, live longer etc. Possible side-effects include familial ambiguity, designs at galactic conquest, and turning into a shriveled, bitter old man.