Editor's Note: Here's a 2 1/2 month dump of the things. Don't forget to vote for this year's KankaNation Hall of Famers.
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Division III Sul Ross State University suited up a 59-year-old linebacker. And he was still better than everyone at Notre Dame. How bad is Notre Dame football? They've changed their name from The Fighting Irish to The Fighting French. Notre Dame is so bad that on Sunday, they held an emergency practice and lost.
Tiger Woods will take an extended break to spend time with his new daughter, who is already a better golfer than Michelle Wie.
The Phoenix Mercury won their first WNBA championship, by beating both WNBA teams that haven't yet folded. In an equally exciting story, I stubbed my toe earlier.
Major League Baseball hopes to have a blood test available next season that will catch players using human growth hormone. That sound you hear is Barry Bonds retiring. Bonds could conceivably pass the test - assuming it didn't work on cold-blooded players.
White Sox outfielder Jermaine Dye was spotted dining with Stevie Wonder and R. Kelly at a posh Chicago restaurant. Wonder was shocked, since he assumed that he was dining alone.
And a Florida Marlins season ticket holder was ejected at a home game for heckling the umpire too loudly. No word on yet what the Marlins will do to their other season ticket holder.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The San Francisco Giants dedicated a 10-foot by 70-foot mural celebrating the team's history in the city. The team hopes that next year it can find a big enough wall to accommodate the rest of Barry Bonds' forehead. The Giants also announced that they will not be re-signing Bonds. Let us be the first to say, "neener neener neener!"
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now marketing their own brand of hot sauce. The hot sauce is also terrible at baseball.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has suggested that his league is looking to expand into Europe, because he's run out of small southern cities that hate hockey.
Football fans are still reacting to Donovan McNabb's comments about black QBs facing more scrutiny than white QB's. Tim Couch, Joey Harrington, Rex Grossman, Eli Manning, Danny Wuerffel, and Ryan Leaf were unavailable for comment.
Kevin Everett, the Buffalo Bills player who everyone thought might be paralyzed, used his arms this week. To cover his eyes while watching the Bills play.
Six University of Texas football players have now been arrested since June. The Longhorns are hoping that things calm down so they can graduate and play for the Bengals.
Rockets center Yao Ming will miss the team's media day and first two days of practice to appear at the Special Olympics in Shanghai. Wow. We thought that was just a heavy accent.
The Houston Rockets have finally come to terms with Dikembe Mutombo, making him the oldest player in the league. Mutombo is so old that his first contract is on papyrus.
And in a case that's been all over the news, American cyclist Floyd Landis has been stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title. Thankfully he's Mennonite, so his relatives will never know.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Major League Baseball has set an attendance record for the fourth straight season. But the old attendance record was set by fans who trained naturally.
Barry Bonds made his last appearance as a San Francisco Giant. Wherever he ends up next year, you will still be able to see his head from San Francisco.
David Beckham returned to Britain after his father suffered a near-fatal heart attack. Man, that whole family will fake injury to avoid showing up to work.
A cheating scandal has ensnared 23 student-athletes at Florida State. The news shocked many who didn't realize the university still offered classes.
Notre Dame football is so bad that this week, they lost to the Mets.
The New York Giants set a team record by sacking Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb 12 times. McNabb spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton.
Due to the distraction, NFL cheerleaders are no longer allowed to stretch in front of any player except Jeff Garcia. Tom Brady must also stop impregnating them.
This far into the season and St. Louis Rams defensive end Leonard Little has no sacks or murders.
And Pat Bertoletti inhaled 21 pounds of grits in 10 minutes to win $4,000 in the World Grits Eating Championship. Bertoletti will be using the money toward his next triple bypass.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
All-time money winning horse John Henry passed away at age 32, just eight years before the Mets would have offered him a contract.
Speaking of things on their last legs, the Carolina Panthers signed 44-year-old quarterback Vinny Testaverde, and actually told people about it. Testaverde will be a great backup in case any of the coaches get injured.
Pothead Ricky Williams has applied for reinstatement after being repeatedly reminded to do so. Williams has said he'll work for peanuts. As well as twinkies and cupcakes.
Congratulations to Lorena Ochoa for becoming the first female golfer to win $3 million in one year. That will buy a lot of flannel shirts.
Admitted steroid user and Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones will compete next year after all, batting fourth for the San Francisco Giants. Jones' tearful admission of steroids is under review, as there's suspicion the tears were also not real.
And after a two-year absence from the NBA, Allan Houston is attempting a comeback with the New York Knicks, because they're not bad enough. If that doesn't work, he can always sign with the Carolina Panthers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Vinny Testaverde became the oldest starting quarterback to win a game in NFL history when the Cardinal defense was repelled by the smell of Ben Gay. Testaverde is so old he can still remember when Terry Bradshaw made sense.
A Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam began falling toward the field. The collapse was so sudden that viewers thought they were watching the Mets.
Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. The only thing more useless than Finland's army is the Portland Trailblazers.
NBA commissioner David Stern might punish the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual harassment suit. The punishment will be playing for the Knicks.
Boxer Marco Antonio Barrera retired following his lopsided loss to Manny Pacquiao. Most fight fans were stunned, figuring he'd retired before the fight.
A Pizza Hut promotion featured Lions receiver Roy Williams delivering pies. John Kitna tried delivering a few, but they kept getting intercepted.
And Pete Rose issued a public challenge saying that he will give $100 to anyone who sees him gambling. So Rose just bet that he wouldn't bet. Thanks for the $100, Pete. We'll use it to pay for our next trip to the land of irony.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Colorado Rockies fan offered 25 years worth of Playboy magazines for two World Series tickets. Two tickets? We find it hard to believe that someone with that many adult magazines actually has someone he can take to the game.
The Yankees heard of A-Rod's decision to opt out of his contract when agent Scott Boras sent a text message to Brian Cashman. This means A-Rod will most likely leave the Bronx, and Boras and Cashman are no longer BFF. And in case you didn't think Boras was a big enough jerk already, he signed the text message with a sideways winky face.
Retiring Houston Astro Craig Biggio was given the Roberto Clemente Award. Not for his community service, but for ending his career in a tailspin.
Pacman Jones is on his way to San Diego, hopefully to make it rain.
The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. In order to accommodate cyclists who aren't on HGH, the event's is now half a mile.
Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else's unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.
The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he's in Minnesota, he won't seem as fat.
And an ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren't bad enough, the extra driving added an additional half hour to the runner's overall time. The crew was immediately fired and replaced by Kenyans with rickshaws.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Utah high school football coach is facing charges of animal cruelty because he stomped a pheasant that ran on the field. This weekend, the pheasant is favored by three over Notre Dame.
A Kansas high school football team beat an opponent 83-0 last week. The blowout made the game as un-exciting as Kansas itself.
Spanish researchers say that beer is better than water for re-hydrating after a hard workout. Which is how John Daly won the 1991 PGA Championship.
Major League Baseball is considering installing instant replay in important games. That way Scott Boras has more time to hold press conferences. Boras client Alex Rodriguez might sign with the Chicago Cubs, where he won't even get a chance to fold in the playoffs.
The hapless Pittsburgh Pirates named John Russell their new manager. Yeah, that should do it.
Barry Bonds claims that he will not bring any baggage to whatever team signs him, especially since his baggage is now tiny and shriveled.
Sammy Sosa wants to play in the Major Leagues next year, as long as he can get at least $7 million. Apparently cork is more expensive than it looks.
Los Angeles forward Lamar Odom sustained a slight concussion in an automobile accident. Paramedics were called after Odom stumbled out of the car, thinking the Lakers had a shot at the championship.
And the NFL's oldest living player Sam Dana passed away at 104. Next week, he'll be returning punts for the Rams.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are shortening their name to the Tampa Bay Rays. The devil is thrilled to no longer be a part of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Wade Boggs helped the Rays unveil new uniforms and politely turned down the team's request to pitch.
A survey shows that it costs a family of four $453.95 to attend a Lakers game. Another survey shows that there is no such thing as a family of four in Los Angeles.
A Minneapolis real estate magnate expressed a desire to buy the Minnesota Timberwolves and pursue his love of amateur athletics.
When ESPN's Barry Melrose said the area around New Jersey's hockey arena was unsafe, he upset the local fans so much that they mugged him.
Dallas center Mike Modano broke Phil Housley's NHL record for career points by an American-born player. With seven. Being the best American hockey player is almost as cool as being the best Canadian baseball player.
Losing their final Orange Bowl game 48-0 was so embarrassing for the Miami Hurricanes, they have downgraded their mascot to the Tropical Storms.
Steve McNair has soreness in his non-throwing shoulder. Which could be either shoulder.
And the NFL will block 70% of U.S. households from watching the New England Patriot's final game by restricting the broadcast to its own cable channel. Luckily for fans, Bill Belichick will be taping it.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Alex Rodriguez said that his talks with the Yankees are "in the bottom of the fifth inning." Hopefully for A-Rod, the metaphor takes place in a regular season game. If the Yankees do sign the ten-year deal, it's mainly so they don't have to speak to Scott Boras for the next decade.
The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Unfortunately, John Daly was booked.
Michigan coach Lloyd Carr resigned after losing to Ohio State, calling it his most embarrassing loss of the last few months. Rumor has Carr going to Notre Dame next season. To play quarterback.
Ryan Leaf has surfaced as the quarterbacks coach for Division II's number four ranked West Texas State. Leaf has taught his team how to throw a spiral, throw a tantrum, and throw in the towel.
Mike Tyson has served a 24-hour jail sentence, where he was forced to eat prison food instead of Lennox Lewis' children.
New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket. Johnson later apologized for being a Knicks fan. The good news for the Knicks is that they got Stephon Marbury back. The bad news, of course, is that they got Stephon Marbury back.
And undefeated North Carolina won its fifth NCAA title in women's field hockey. When asked what she'll do next, the team MVP said, "I'm going to Lilith Fair."
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Two workers at the Mets' forthcoming Citi Park were injured on the job thanks to unsafe conditions. What they thought was a safety net turned out to just be a seven game lead.
The Los Angeles Dodgers will finally have a float in the Rose Bowl Parade. The float will probably run out gas halfway through.
Alabama football coach Nick Saban has been criticized for comparing his defeat at the hands of Louisiana-Monroe to Pearl Harbor. The only thing that should be compared to the tragedy of Pearl Harbor is the movie Pearl Harbor.
Rams QB Marc Bulger suffered a concussion. His condition worsened when he was reminded that he plays for the Rams.
Ricky Williams has put a book on his life story on hold. Problems arose when Williams kept rolling the manuscript.
Japanese gold medalist Mizuki Noguchi will wear a pair of shoes made of rice husks while running in Bejing. Noguchi hopes her rice shoes will help cool her feet while also reaffirming stereotypes. To combat this advantage, Ethiopia will be providing its runners with forks.
The NBDL began its seventh season this week. No one knows why.
Isiah Thomas said he's so confident that he won't be fired, he'll be groping a different employee each week.
And German pole-vaulter Yvonne Buschbaum will begin hormone treatment to become a man. Given the average physique of a German female athlete, treatment will be completed next Monday.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
New York Giants leading rusher Derrick Ward is out with a leg injury. Ward's leg is so weak, doctors briefly mistook it for Eli Manning's arm.
The Lions' Roy Williams may be out for the season. Detroit will have to replace him with one of their other 742 wide receivers.
Ricky Williams' season ended after he tore a chest muscle. Williams will spend the next few weeks trying to convince his doctor it was due to glaucoma.
Tom Petty will play at half-time of the Super Bowl, dedicating "Don't Come Around Here No More" to the Miami Dolphins.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR's most popular driver by internet users for the fifth straight year. Earnhardt is well liked by both NASCAR fans that own computers.
Tony La Russa pleaded guilty to driving under the influence. The Cardinal manager admitted to falling asleep at the wheel last year, and also driving under the influence.
Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods. Yes, Dick's bought Chick's. Every possible domain name for their new company is already taken.
Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they're already starting to smell like glue.
For the second time, Bobby Knight has been accused of shooting someone while hunting. Next week, Knight will be announcing his candidacy for Vice President.
And the New York Knicks lost to the Celtics by 45 points, barely beating the spread.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Job finding site Monster.com just bought a Super Bowl ad. Hopefully, Eric Mangini will be watching the game. Well, we know he won't be coaching in it.
Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own. Everett already has more mobility than half of his teammates. Everett first stood up during a Bills game - to change the channel.
David Beckham was given the job of the official backstage photographer for the Spice Girls, only to miss the concert with an injury.
Forbes named the New York Knicks the NBA's most valuable franchise. This thrilled the team's majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.
Goodletsville, Tennessee's Brandon Coppinger is officially the best NASCAR video game player, winning the EA Sports Craftsman Challenge. He is truly the best at simulating left turns. Maybe next year he can simulate kissing a girl.
Scott Niedermayer will rejoin the Anaheim Ducks after missing the team's first 28 games. Niedermayer wasn't retiring, he just hadn't realized that the NHL season had started.
And USA Today's staff has compiled a list of the top 25 college football games from the last 25 years and none of them involve the SEC. Even sadder? In the last 25 years, not one journalism department in the SEC has produced a student capable of working at USA Today.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
