Ten Ways A Wedding Can Be More Like Sports, In Ascending Order Of Potential Entertainment Value

#10: Corporate Sponsorship
Tuxedos may not look good with tennis shoes, but the wedding party could at least roll up to the event in a cool car. A sports-drink punch bowl could be easily incorporated into the reception, thus making everybody sweat neon colors that would sparkle on the dance floor.

#9: Vending
Having a vendor roam the pews with hot-dogs and Cracker Jack would certainly break up the tedium. Unfortunately, beers would be $9.50. Also, a reception dinner consisting of nachos and Diet Pepsi would be questionable at best.

#8: The Wave
The more people invited to the wedding ceremony, the more impressive this would be.

#7: JumboTron
It could be set up right behind the altar. This way, even the folks in the back pews could get a good look at the action. Instant replays would be popular. It could even display those cartoonish racing animations during the boring parts.

#6: Baselines
It's no coincidence that, in a regulation church, the distance from the doors to the altar is always exactly ninety feet. The groom will have to remember to slide so as not to be tagged out by a member of the opposing family.

#5: Mascots
Each family could pick one. Their wacky hijinks would add some color and humor to an otherwise solemn affair.

#4: Referees
Just to make sure everything runs smoothly. Is the maid of honor's speech too long? TWEEEEEET! Delay of game! Groomsmen getting too rowdy? TWEEEEEET! Sideline Infraction! You get the idea.

#3: Cheerleaders
Just let them do their thing. "GO! FIGHT! MARRY! YAY!" They could also enthusiastically hold up signs that say things like "I" and "DO" to fire up the crowd.

#2: Playoffs
Sixty-four groomsmen compete for one best man position and three runners-up. Likewise with the bridesmaids. Competitions would be along the lines of American Gladiators. Only, you know, with normal people.

#1: Color Commentary
Marriage veterans could provide context and insight. They could even illustrate their points with a telestrator for the viewers at home.
"You see, Mike, what the father's going to want to do is walk down this aisle here [draws an arrow] and hand his daughter off to the groom here [circles]."
"That's an interesting gambit, Steve. Let's hope the groom doesn't fumble the handoff."

Ten Potential Uses For Short People In The Game Of Baseball, In Ascending Order Of Utility

#1: Bases
You wouldn't step on them, of course. (They bite.) But maybe you could give them a high-five as you run the bases. Don't worry, baseball players; High-fiving a short person isn't any more strenuous than your average butt-pat.

#2: Spittoon Carriers
A small squad of short people carrying large brass spittoons could be employed to help keep the area clean. Different spittoon stations would include both dugouts, the bullpen, directly behind the umpire, and two "rovers". When somebody needs to approach the pitcher's mound for a strategy/spitting session, they would always make sure to bring along a spittooner.

#3: Proxy Base Runners
If a batter has a twisted ankle or a bum knee, that shouldn't stop him from participating. Just have a short person run the bases for him. Short people might take longer to cover the distance, but they're much harder to tag. Also, it would be easier for them to high-five the bases as they ran past.

#4: Proxy Batters
Yeah, Mr. Hot-Shot Pitcher Man, you just try to hit that strike zone.

#5: Proxy Pitchers
What the pitches would lack in overall speed would be more than made up for in pure anger.

#6: Messengers
Instead of learning countless hard-to-memorize gestures that can easily be thwarted by an errant bee or severe gastrointestinal problems, just use short people. Give a couple of short people little tablets and little pencils, and have them run your missives back and forth as fast as their wee little legs can carry them. "Messenger from the other dugout, coach. Apparently you're ugly."

#7: Good/Evil Consciences
You could dress them up as angels and devils, respectively. Each coach would have a pair, as well as the umpire and probably the pitcher.
Pitcher: "What do you think? Fastball?"
Short Person Dressed Like An Angel: "Yes, but not too fast. Give the man a fair chance."
Short Person Dressed Like A Devil: "I think you should bean him."

#8: Cheerleaders
Wait, what? No. I mean . . . What? No!

#9: Proxy Fielders
Of course, you'd probably need about two dozen short people to cover the average baseball field. A whole new set of field positions would have to be created, such as left-of-center field, second-first baseman, and shorter-stop.

#10: Tackling People Who Rush The Field
The innate ferociousness of a short person could be leveraged to its fullest advantage. It would take an awesome level of inebriation to steel a potential field rusher to brave the lawn-piranha that was the Ten-Man Rush Squad, and they stop serving drinks after the seventh-inning stretch. (Note that "Ten-Man" translates into roughly fourteen short people, plenty enough to cover the field if positioned strategically.)

Ten Ways To Improve The Game Of Basketball, In Increasing Order Of Entertainment Value

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare recipient

#1: Actual Enforcement Of Rules
Yeah, buddy, I'm pretty sure that was a travel right there.

#2: More Creative Enforcement Of Rules
Free shots just don't seem very sporting; every point made should be a point earned. Instead, penalties should result in punitive action. The obvious choice would be to institute a hockey-style penalty box, but there are more creative methods. They could forbid the player from using his arms for thirty seconds, or tie one of his legs to that of a lucky fan.

#3: Style Points
The more flamboyant the shot, the more points that are awarded. First and foremost, after all, the players are here to entertain.

#4: Time-Progressive Penalty Restrictions
The game would start with the normal five-penalty limit per player. As the game progresses, however, less penalties would be acceptable. The last ten minutes of the game could not be played by any player with more than one penalty, and the last two minutes would be limited to those without any.

#5: Height Classes
Apply graduated height limits to the players on the court. Each team needs one player on the court who is less than four feet tall, one less than five, and one less than six and seven feet, respectively. One player's height could be unlimited. If you don't have a playable person for a given class, you can't fill that position on the court.

#6: Larger Courts
We don't really need games with three-digit scores. How about we extend the length of the court a bit? A hundred yards seems like a nice, round, common number.

#7: More Sponsorship Deals
I . . . I just can't get enough. Should I drink the sports drink, or . . . or buy the shoes, or wear the clothes, or . . . or what? I need a basketball player to tell me how to live my life! Somebody, please help me.

#8: That Guy Award
After every game, the fans get to vote on which player was That Guy. This player would then be subjected to something suitably humiliating, like a pie in the face or a wedgie.

#9: Foley Artists
Pretty much every specific action in basketball begs for an attendant sound affect. With Foley artists, slam dunks would actually slam. Swishes would actually swish. Penalties would actually sound like foghorns. Foley artists make everything more entertaining.

#10: Hazards
With a larger court, there would be plenty of room to mix it up a bit. How about a rope-swing/mud-pit splitting the center court? Low-friction, sandy, and sloped areas would also be entertaining, as would wind machines, fog machines, and rogue Syrian hamsters.

Ten Things I'd Rather Do Than Play Golf, In Increasing Order Of How Much The Reason Compels Me

#10: Sleep
Several hours of unconsciousness, possibly accompanied by extended hallucinations, sharpens the mind and refreshes the body. Golf is the antithesis of sharpening the mind and refreshing the body.

#9: Eat A Bug
Bugs are high in protein. Golf has very little nutritional value.

#8: Knit A Sweater
Both golfing and knitting are excruciatingly long and monotonous activities. When I'm done knitting, though, hey! I have a sweater! When I'm done golfing, all I've done is die a little bit inside.

#7: Jumping Jacks
Jumping jacks are about as useless and silly-looking as your average golfer, but at least I get my heart rate up.

#6: Yell
One of the last things I ever want to deal with is a dumpy guy waving a "quiet, please" sign in my face and doing that thing with his hands. Hey, pal, I'll yell if I want.

#5: Drink
Knock back a gin & tonic and I've helped protect myself against malaria. Scurvy, too, if I eat the lime. Meanwhile, golfing is all about dehydration, loose teeth, and mosquito bites.

#4: Cut Off A Frostbitten Toe
Hey, I've got nine more, and it will always make for a great story afterwards:
"Yeah, man, after getting knocked overboard while fishing the gulf of Alaska during hurricane-force winds, they had to cut off my toe with a filet knife. No drugs, just a bottle of whiskey and a stick to bite down on."
What kind of story do you get from golfing?
"I knocked a ball in a hole today."

#3: Spend Time With A Lady Friend
What does golf have to offer here? A bunch of dudes in goofy pants and no cheerleaders. Come on.

#2: Get A Tooth Pulled
The benefits of good dental hygiene cannot be understated. If you have a bad tooth, it's a relatively straightforward matter to get it yanked. You might even get to huff some nitrous oxide. With golf, however, the piercing agony is all in the mind, and there is nothing to kill the pain.

#1: Lose At Checkers
At least the game was over in a reasonable amount of time, and the only checkered pattern was on the game board.
"Hey, good game, I was totally outmaneuvered."
. . . is a more interesting concession speech than . . .
"Hey, way to get your ball in the hole before I, in a completely unrelated series of events, could do so myself."

Thirteen Better Ways To Decide Who Kicks Off, In Increasing Order Of How Much Better They Are Than A Coin Toss

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

#13: Salary
Whichever team has the highest average salary per player gets the decision.

#12: Weight
Whichever team weighs the collective most wins.

#11: Phone-in Votes
Fans would phone in their votes for either team. The scoreboard would keep a tally. A judge with an English accent would make disparaging comments. The team with the most votes wins.

#10: Bingo
Every member of each team gets a bingo board. The home team would provide the old lady to pick the bingo balls. First player to get bingo wins the decision for his team.

#9: Tip Off
This would work pretty much exactly like basketball. The two quarterbacks would stand toe to toe, with the referee holding the ball in the middle. Ball goes up, one quarterback comes back down with it.

#8: Rock Paper Scissors
One member from each team would face off in this popular form of hand-to-hand combat. Best two out of three wins the decision.

#7: Puppy
Each team would line up on their own 45-yard-line. A puppy would be placed at center field. Whichever team can coax the puppy to their line gets the decision.

#6: Anchorman
Three members from each team stand in a line. The first player in each line is given a gallon-pitcher of beer. This player drinks as much as he can without stopping, and then hands the pitcher to the next player in his line. The next player drinks as much of the remainder as he can, then passes the pitcher to the last player, or "anchorman". This player must finish the pitcher. Whichever team finishes the pitcher first gets the decision.

#5: Whammy
The scoreboard would light up with a checkerboard pattern of squares. Some squares have footballs, some squares have whammies. Each quarterback would be given a buzzer, and would continue buzzing in until one of them gets a whammy. Bonus: squares can be filled with other prizes besides the football, such as a fondue set or a tennis bracelet.

#4: Simon Says
Every team member participates. The color commentator for the game would be the caller. The last player standing wins the decision.

#3: Cheerleaders
The decision would go to the team with the hottest cheerleaders.

#2: Fisticuffs
This would be a three-round duke-it-out. Since a knockout is unlikely with all those pads, the player with the highest score at the end would win the decision. Standard scoring rules used in boxing would apply.

#1: Break-Dance Contest
One member from each team would give us thirty seconds of his best moves. Each fan in the stadium would have one electronic vote. The team with the most votes wins.

Top Ten Ways Sports Are Better Than Politics, In Increasing Order Of How Much Those Politicians Are Missing Out

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

#10: In politics, no one cares if you can dunk.

#9: You can watch sports on ESPN, ABC, NBC, Fox . . . the list goes on. What do politicians get? C-SPAN.

#8: Everything can be explained with a sports metaphor. Even politics are better explained using sports metaphors. Metaphorically, politics only relate to business meetings, bad reality-TV shows, and ancient Europe.

#7: If you're looking for a political party, you really only have two mascots to choose from.

#6: Sports can have politics, but you'll never see two senators tossing a ball around the senate floor.

#5: In sports, you don't have to make shady, back-room, quasi-legal deals to make a lot of money. You just have to make a shoe commercial.

#4: In politics, overt physical violence against one's opponent on a personal level is discouraged.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: If you're in a political party, personal vices can get you fired. If you play a professional sport, personal vices just add to the mystique.

#1: In sports, you come crashing out of a huge hoop to rock music, fireworks, and tens of thousands of fans standing and screaming. In politics, you say "present.'

Twelve Rough Translations Of The Things That The Spectators Are Yelling At You, In Increasing Magnitude Of Subtle Nuance

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: Scroll down for Dave and my annual email exchange about the Baseball Hall of Fame inductions.

#12
What They Are Yelling: "Boo!"
Rough Translation: You just participated in something very bad. Intentions do not matter. Bad luck does not matter. Not being a savant does not matter. What matters is that you are entirely responsible for bad things happening, and that you must mend your ways immediately. From this moment forward, remember what you have just done, and take all necessary steps to ensure that it never happens again.

#11
What They Are Yelling: "Whoo!"
Rough Translation: You just did something very good. The spectators find this acceptable, and their collective expectations concerning your future endeavors have been raised. Remember what you just did, because you are now expected to repeat it unfailingly for the rest of your career.

#10
What They Are Yelling: "Defense!"
Rough Translation: Your opposition is maneuvering in a way that is disadvantageous to you. You must immediately ascertain how and why, and take appropriate mitigating action to the utmost extent that you are able. If the opposition's maneuvers are successful in any way, it is your fault, and you are a bad person.

#9
What They Are Yelling: "Throw the Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently have a ball of some kind in your possession. This is unacceptable. Get rid of this ball immediately. Do everything you can to get the ball as far away from you as possible. Propelling the ball with your arm(s) is fine, but dropping and/or kicking the ball will probably be frowned upon.

#8
What They Are Yelling: "Catch the Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently do not have a ball of some kind in your possession. This is unacceptable. Fortunately, there may be some kind of ball heading in your general direction. Position yourself in such a fashion as to intercept the ball. Once again, it is usually important that you do not subsequently drop or kick the ball.

#7
What They Are Yelling: "Run The Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently have a ball of some kind at Point A. It is imperative that both you and the ball arrive at Point B as expeditiously as possible. Forget about your teammates, your game-plan, your coach and your mother; all you need to know is that you are at Point A, and this is unacceptable.

#6
What They Are Yelling: "Go!"
Rough Translation: Usually, this indicates that the situation you are in requires you to run as fast as you can. Do not stop. Do not think. Do not throw anything or look for anyone or wait for conditions to improve. Run, and keep running until an appropriate authority indicates otherwise. Alternately, this could be a general exhortation to succeed, but it is best to be safe and just start running.

#5
What They Are Yelling: "Go-Go-Go!"
Rough Translation: The situation you are in requires you to run faster than any human has ever run, ever. You should run so fast that you cannot stop without arrestor cables and drogue parachutes. You should run so fast that Zombie Einstein will have to come up with a new mass-energy equation just for you. If you have tunnel vision, it means you can still see, and you aren't running fast enough. Scream, if you like; if you run as fast as your situation requires, no one will hear you.

#4
What They Are Yelling: "Go For It!"
Rough Translation: You are currently faced with a number of options. One of those options involves an inordinately high degree of risk. This is the option you must take, regardless of the level of any possible reward. Success will validate the collective tactical genius of the spectators. Failure will be entirely your fault, because you are fundamentally incapable.

#3
What They Are Yelling: "Go! Fight! Win! Yay!"
Rough Translation: Those are not spectators. Those are cheerleaders. Get your head in the game.

#2
What They Are Yelling: "Get Him!"
Rough Translation: A member of the opposition is living, breathing, and doing something to further the designs of the opposition. He should be doing none of these things, and it is your task to make it so. Efficiency in this endeavor is good, but thoroughness is better.

#1
What They Are Yelling: "You Suck!"
Rough Translation: Your recent performance was breathtakingly abysmal, and the consequences are too horrifying to contemplate. Call your mother, your grandmother, a priest, the Whiskey Monster, and Santa Claus, but don't expect forgiveness because they will not give it to you. A Hall Of Shame will be founded specifically to enshrine your actions. This house of horrors will subsequently be closed due to the singular, unmatchable nadir of your atrocities, and finally burned to the ground in an unsuccessful attempt to expunge the disgrace that you have inflicted upon the world. You should move to a snow-blasted island somewhere in the Canadian arctic, because nobody will ever love you or accept you, or even acknowledge you as a fellow human being, for the rest of eternity.

Ten Tragically-Overlooked Performance Enhancers, In Increasing Magnitude Of Performance Enhancement

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Painter Stilts: These provide both an increase in stride length and a height advantage. The most obvious advantages would be realized by basketball players, but baseball outfielders and football receivers would also enjoy a significant boost.

Extending Boxing Glove: Knock that point-after attempt out of the sky. Can also be used in regular boxing to win the match without leaving the safety and comfort of your corner.

Pole-Vault Pole: Try tagging the base-runner now. Also provides a unique way of getting past the line of scrimmage. Good for some new and unique hockey penalties if used in a sufficiently unconventional manner.

Spooky Ghost Costume: Any antagonist off of the original Scooby-Doo cartoons would work. This will work in any position where speed can be sacrificed for intimidation. A defensive line, for instance, or any kind of goalkeeper. Watch out for meddling kids.

Chevrolet Monte Carlo: Any sport where speed is a primary necessity. Think about returning a punt or running the bases. Note: Such an enhancement is actually legal in NASCAR.

Trebuchet: The basic functionality has been proven for centuries. The opposing team's punt will look pathetic after your special-team launches the ball a half-mile. Is dodgeball a sport? Dodgeball is a sport. Sure, you can dodge a wrench, but can you dodge a three-hundred-pound dodgeball of doom?

Keanu Reeves: Unstoppable execution coupled with questionable physics makes Keanu Reeves a winning enhancement to any team sport. Warning: Slow-motion replays of Keanu's ultra-slow-motion moves may cause time itself to stop. Keep a crazy telephone booth handy at all times.

Cheerleaders: Many sports have tragically overlooked the benefits of cheerleaders. Baseball, soccer, lacrosse, wrestling . . . they are all begging for some sprightly ladies to really pump up that home-field advantage.

The CIA: Plant a mole in the opposing team's huddle. Assassinate the third-base coach. Enhance your own counter-espionage operations by planting false practice tapes. Extort some good players out of third-world dictatorships. The questionable pharmaceutical research is also a bonus, though screening potential drugs in the minor leagues first is recommended.

The Force: Really, what can't the Force do? You'll never miss a shot. Anticipation of your opponent's moves would be second to none. Cut through that defense with the ol' lightning-finger-zaparoo. No other wrestler could compete with your choke hold. Forget about Converse shoes; the Force really does help you run faster, jump higher, live longer etc. Possible side-effects include familial ambiguity, designs at galactic conquest, and turning into a shriveled, bitter old man.

Eighteen Culinary Uses For Selected Sports Equipment, In Ascending Order Of How Much Of A Mess You Will Make

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: ND 27, Navy 23

#18: Football Dial-a-Down
Ready for the second course? Dial up the "2" on this handy tool.

#17: Hockey Puck
Four of these will make a classy coaster set.

#16: Baseball Plates
A ready replacement for actual plates, as far as keeping food off the table is concerned.

#15: Baseball Catcher Chest Protector
Stitch on a phrase like "kiss the cook" and you've got a cooking apron. These can also be used to smother grease fires.

#14: Baseball Mitt
These provide much more protection than your average oven mitt. Especially useful when handling hot potatoes.

#13: Protective Cup
The breathable versions can be used to separate egg yolks from the whites. Non-breathable models can be used for anything from soup cups to sundae bowls. Gross.

#12: Football Helmet
You can use these for salad bowls in a pinch. Also good to wear for those weekend chefs that forget to close the cupboard doors.

#11: Basketball Shot Clock
Great for cooking things in 35-second increments. If you're a professional chef you only get 24 seconds.

#10: Fencing Foil
Use this to super-size that shish kebab. You can also use this to spit a roast over the bonfire.

#9: Cricket Bats
These are handy for cooking pizzas and loaves of bread in masonry ovens. You can also flip those burgers from three feet away.

#8: Hockey Stick
If you're looking for a unique sushi presentation, look no further. Also good for passing foods across the table.

#7: Fencing Mask
A perfect colander. These can also be used for other sieve-related tasks, like sifting flour or finding the ring you lost in the soup.

#6: Golf Putter
Golf isn't a sport.

#5: Tennis Racket
With a properly applied forearm, you can dice just about anything with one of these.

#4: Hockey Ice Skates
Cutting the cheese has never been so easy! These can also be used to stomp-chop fruits and vegetables Riverdance-style.

#3: Jai Alai Basket-Glove
These can serve mashed potatoes at speeds exceeding 180 miles per hour. They also allow for the hands-free consumption of banana splits.

#2: Soccer Cleats
Another culinary necessity, with uses ranging from mashing grapes for wine to turning pancakes into waffles.

#1: Baseball Bat
The toughest meat in your freezer can be tenderized with one of these. It also works as a juicer.

Sixteen Discriminatory Major League Baseball Teams And The Proposed Compensatory Counterparts, In Increasing Volume Of Groups Discriminated Against

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare recipient

Editor's Note: If you'd really rather see my Purdue wrapup, just scroll down.

#16:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Cincinnati Reds
COMPENSATORY TEAM: New Orleans Blues
MASCOT: A down-on-his-luck saxophonist.
HAT COLORS: Midnight blue with smoky white pinstripes.

#15:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Colorado Rockies
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Jefferson City Smoothies
MASCOT: A giant smoothie cup that carries around a huge plastic straw.
HAT COLORS: Soft, pastel orange with a cream-colored bill.

#14:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: San Diego Padres
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Montgomery Madres
MASCOT: The Swinging Nun.
HAT COLORS: Black with a white bill.

#13:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Kansas City Royals
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Portland Peasants
MASCOT: A gnarled, grubby man in tattered clothes with a garden hoe over his shoulder.
HAT COLORS: Mud brown.

#12:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: San Francisco Giants
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Providence Midgets
MASCOT: A whole cheering squad of midgets.
HAT COLORS: Anything bright enough to help people notice them.

#11:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
MASCOT: Rally Monkey
HAT COLORS: Red with white details.

#10:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Atlanta Braves
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Pierre Cowards
MASCOT: The color yellow.
HAT COLORS: Yellow pinstripes against a yellow background with yellow detailing.

#9:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Milwaukee Brewers
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Topeka Teetotalers
MASCOT: Eliot Ness
HAT COLORS: Milk-white with tea-brown and cranberry-juice-red highlights.

#8:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Washington Nationals
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Anchorage Locals
MASCOT: Average Joe
HAT COLORS: Collar blue.

#7:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Minnesota Twins
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Cheyenne Only Children
MASCOT: A whiny, spoiled, bratty child.
HAT COLORS: Whatever the other team is wearing, only better.

#6:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Cleveland Indians
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Montana Cowboys
MASCOT: John Wayne
HAT COLORS: White cowboy hats for home games, black cowboy hats for away games.

#5:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: New York Yankees
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Columbia (SC) Confederates
MASCOT: A confederate soldier with accompanying cannon.
HAT COLORS: The Battle Flag of the Confederacy against a white background. Victory hats will have red bills.

#4:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Boston Red Sox
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Indianapolis Capitalist Sox
MASCOT: Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson. Grant can make an appearance in clutch games.
HAT COLORS: Green with microprinting, holographic ink, and embedded security strips.

#3:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Oakland Athletics
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Oklahoma City Lazy Fat-Ass Couch Potatoes
MASCOT: A really fat guy that slumps on a couch in front of the dugout and eats Cheetos the whole game.
HAT COLORS: Potato-brown with Cheetos-orange details.

#2:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Pittsburgh Pirates
COMPENSATORY TEAM: San Juan Recording Industry Association of America
MASCOT: A lawyer.
HAT COLORS: Pale yellow with red and blue pinstripes, in the fashion of a pad of legal paper.

#1:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Chicago White Sox
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Santa Fe Minority Sox
MASCOT: The collective fans in the stadium, being the best representatives of all that the world has to offer. Except for the white guys.
HAT COLORS: Every beautiful color in the spectrum, except white, somehow given precisely equal prominence.

All the best.

Eleven Ways To Make Sports In The United States More Delightfully English, In Increasing Magnitude Of Stereotypical Awfulness

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare recipient

Editor's Note: Really? You'd rather see a GT wrapup? I'll include my thoughts in the PSU preview.

David Beckham was my inspiration for this month's attempt.

#11 - Soccer: Import some extremely well-paid English players. This seems so obvious, I'm not sure why nobody else has already thought of it. Also, the sport would have to be renamed "English Football".

#10 - Boxing: Boxing would be called "fisticuffs" instead. The common boxing stance would be modeled after the University of Notre Dame's leprechaun mascot. Wry commentary would be delivered in a dry monotone.

#9 - Tennis: Tennis would remain relatively the same. The main difference would be in scorekeeping: you wouldn't say things like "15 love" any more, but "15 luv". Also, clay courts would be eliminated. Clay courts are contemporarily French, which is by-definition not delightfully English.

#8 - Basketball: Pronounced acts of exuberance, such as slam dunks or congratulatory butt-slaps, would be replaced with exceptional displays of reserve and politeness. The sport would thenceforth be called "Ye Olde Baƒketballe".

#7 - Football: Traditional football pads would be replaced with full metal suits of armor. Physical trainers would be referred to as "pages", and the coach would be addressed as "my liege". Further, all instant replays would be depicted via cartoonish animation à la Monty Python.

#6 - Auto Racing: Instead of the normal stock or formula cars, we would race hackney carriages and double-decker busses. Also, the racetracks would all turn in the opposite direction. "Gentlemen, start your engines!" would be replaced with "Tally-ho and whatnot."

#5 - Polo: The only way this sport could be more delightfully English would be if they ground the horses into a variety of sausages. This would include the parts of the horse not normally considered meat, such as the kidneys. (The kidneys will be important later.)

#4 - Lacrosse: A large influx of hooligans would make Lacrosse more delightfully English, with the attendant riots before and after any given win or loss. Also, team names like "Titans" and "Roughnecks" would have to be replaced with names like "Whigs" and "Gentry".

#3 - Baseball: Umpires would wear tall, black, furry hats, and be trained not to show any emotion under any circumstances. Also, no more cold beers and hotdogs for the fans. Instead, they could get a warm beer and a delightfully English kidney pie. Finally, replace the bases with wickets.

#2 - Professional Wrestling: Most of the outside-the-ring drama would be replaced with frank but witty round-table discussions of differences. The convenient weapons of choice, such as folding chairs and ladders, would be replaced with pieces of Stonehenge and Holbein's portrait of Henry VIII.

#1 - Hockey: All players would skate around holding their hockey sticks in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. Pinkies out. Goalies, in keeping with their special equipment requirements, would hold teapots in lieu of trappers. Bad teeth would stop being an unfortunate occurrence and become a strict requirement.
All the best.

Top 9 Other Ways Title IX Could Have Been Implemented Vis-à-vis Sports, In Increasing Order Of Unlikeliness

Editor's Note: This is part of what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

Editor's Note #2: For the love of all that's holy, please don't send me any hate mail. If you need to, ask me and I can give you Klondike's email address, phone number, home address, and/or license plate number.

#9: All sports, being inherently inequitable, could be eliminated entirely.

#8: Men and women could be integrated into a single team.

#7: Schools could segregate into men-only and women-only institutions.

#6: We could all just smile and nod, pat Title IX on the head, then ignore it and go about our business.

#5: We could redefine "sports" to include things like shopping, child-care, nagging, and feminine hygene.

#4: We could redefine "men" to include things like women.

#3: Every male player in every sport could tie a female player to his leg, in the manner of a three-legged race.

#2: A lottery could be held in each school. All members of the losing sex would undergo sexual-reorientation surgery.

#1: We could devolve as a species back into single-celled, asexual bacteria, where concepts like "sports" and "gender equality" are meaningless.

All the best.

Top Eleven Ways Baseball Is Just Like Chess, In Increasing Order Of How Lame I Think It Is

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

#11: You can sacrifice players.

#10: People are constantly trying to figure out how to do things better with computers.

#9: To get the really good players, you usually have to go to a foreign country.

#8: It takes many individual, specialized "players" to play on each team.

#7: You don't need the body of an athlete in order to play the game professionally.

#6: You can always find a fan of the game that can recite all sorts of esoteric statistics that nobody cares about.

#5: Steroid usage is frowned upon.

#4: You can only travel in certain paths to get from square to square.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: Games can be played for as long as it takes, however excruciatingly long that might be.

#1: Nobody will play when it's raining.

Top Twelve Ways Work Could Benefit By Being More Like Professional Sports, In Ascending Order Of How Much I Want Them

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

#12: Trophies and Recognition. If I sell the most widgets in my industry, then by God I want a trophy with a little bronze man on the top holding a widget high for the world to see. And I want my name in the Widget Hall of Fame.

#11: Mascots. Everybody in the office will get a morale boost after watching Wally the Widget's wacky hijinks.

#10: Pads. And I'm not just talking shin-guards. I want body armor, like a baseball catcher or a hockey goalie or anything football. The possibilities are limitless.

#9: Stadium-style concessions. Hot dogs, beer, Dippin' Dots, Cracker Jacks, and so forth. I want vendors walking the hallways, shouting their wares and tossing them to us as needed.

#8: A penalty box, with associated infractions. Take the last cup of coffee without starting a new pot? That's a two-minute penalty. Cross-check the guy from marketing? That's another two-minute penalty.

#7: A diligent team of personal trainers and physical therapists. You'll never have another muscle cramp again.

#6: The instant replay rule, with multiple slow-motion angles and appropriate in-depth analysis:
"As you can see, Carol, I actually did submit my expense report before the deadline."

#5: Shady recruitment practices:
"Why yes, I will take that Hummer. Weekend in Vegas? No problem. One free pass on steroid use? How thoughtful."

#4: Trading cards. These would include appropriate statistics, position information, and action shots on the back. Free pink-flavored piece of balsa wood with every pack. Rookie and hologram cards would be very rare and sought after.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: Play-by-play analysis and color commentary by veterans of the business:
"It appears, Tom, that he's going with the green laser pointer for the second part of his presentation."
"That's an interesting gambit, Joe. I haven't seen this technique since the Widget Design and Analysis overview of '04."
"Right you are. Let's see how it plays out for him."

#1: Multi-million-dollar contracts.

Ten Penalties That Need To Be Officially Recognized By Football Referees, in Increasing Order Of Severity

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

#10: Unspecified Error
Cause: Something definitely happened, but nobody really saw exactly what.
Signal: Exaggerated shoulder shrug.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the first infraction, 10-yard penalty for each additional infraction.

#9: Excessive Momentum
Cause: A team makes a series of good plays.
Signal: The running man dance.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty.

#8: Coach Bloviation
Cause: A coach enters the field shouting at the referee.
Signal: Talk-to-the-hand, with associated head movements.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the team, loss of a time out.

#7: End-Zone Lameness
Cause: A totally lame celebratory end-zone dance.
Signal: Jazz hands.
Penalty: 10-yard penalty, two-minute loss of JumboTron privileges.

#6: T.V. Delay Of Game
Cause: T.V. commercial break takes too long.
Signal: Knob-twisting motions with both hands.
Penalty: Loss of a T.V. Timeout.

#5: Illegal Hair Length
Cause: A player enters the field that has hair below the helmet line.
Signal: Slow-motion shampoo commercial hair flip.
Penalty: Loss of down, loss of hair.

#4: Illegal Gimmick
Cause: Team uses a gimmick to pull the train.
Signal: Drum-major high-step march in place, with associated baton movements.
Penalty: 15-yard penalty, loss of dignity.

#3: Illegal Victory
Cause: The wrong team wins the game.
Signal: Sweeping, frantic no-no-no hand-waiving.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty, loss of game.

#2: Sportsmanlike Conduct
Cause: Any overt act that suggests a player or team is superior to an opposing player or team.
Signal: Sit on ground, sob like a four-year-old.
Penalty: Group Hug, trophies for everybody.

#1: Divine Intervention
Cause: Deity performs a miracle that affects play.
Signal: Prostration.
Penalty: Purgatory.


All the best.

Top Ten Changes to the Game of Golf that Should Happen Before I will Consider It a Sport, In Ascending Order of Necessity

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

#10: Uniforms. You should be able to look at a golfer without risk of seizures, queasiness, or other physical maladies.

#9: No more caddies. The golfer will need to carry his own clubs. A quiver arrangement would probably be the coolest looking. But anything else, like a hip sheath, would also be acceptable.

Of course, #9 is maybe the least likely to happen. We'll never sell any of these changes if we can't convince the Caddy Mafia. For those caddies out there who now want me "whacked" for #9, please ignore #9 and accept #8.

#8: "Caddy" is now another position on the golf "team". In addition to carrying the clubs and keeping up with the golfer, the caddy will be in charge of all defensive maneuvers. If the golfer is the equivalent of a quarterback, the caddy will now be something of a defensive back.

#7: Timed games. You can time the whole course, but I would think timing each hole would be more flexible. The best competitions always have a sense of energy, of urgency. People will watch chess if it's timed. (Note: Baseball could also benefit from a clock, but this isn't my baseball rant.)

#6: Mascots. At least at the professional level. If you go with #8 you'll have a team, and all sports teams have mascots. If you go with #9, you'll have plenty of former caddies who could immediately fill your new mascot positions.

#5: More Hazard Types. All right, we've got sand traps and we've got water traps. That's a good start, but it gets monotonous. I'm not saying we have to go totally miniature-golf at a macro level, but how about some hedges on the fairway? Or mud pits? They can be hazards for the golfer, too. Remember, time is now a factor. Crank up the fog machine. Put up some hurdles.

Okay, #5 may be too much of a departure. But if you discount #5, you'll have to go with #4.

#4: More Existing Hazard Types. Break up that fairway with a few more sand traps. Get some streams running through the fairway, deep enough to give the golfer a struggle as he hurries to the next shot but not so much that you have to caulk the wagon and float it across.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: Similar to #7 but more important; There needs to be a shot clock. If you regularly hit the ball two-hundred-fifty yards, you'd better be able to run two-hundred-fifty yards in under a minute. Or thirty seconds. Or however long it takes an average person to run two-hundred-fifty yards and still have a chance of lining up the next shot.

#1: Defense. A sport cannot be a sport without defense. Let your opponent get to putt your ball away after every one of your shots. Maybe your opponent gets to place a hazard. Maybe your opponent's caddy/defensive back tries to block you while you run to place your next shot. Something has to be in place that allows your opponent to directly, tangibly, and significantly affect your game. Otherwise, it's only ever going to be an activity and never a sport.

All the best.