Thursday, November 29, 2007

Ten Tragically-Overlooked Performance Enhancers, In Increasing Magnitude Of Performance Enhancement

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Painter Stilts: These provide both an increase in stride length and a height advantage. The most obvious advantages would be realized by basketball players, but baseball outfielders and football receivers would also enjoy a significant boost.

Extending Boxing Glove: Knock that point-after attempt out of the sky. Can also be used in regular boxing to win the match without leaving the safety and comfort of your corner.

Pole-Vault Pole: Try tagging the base-runner now. Also provides a unique way of getting past the line of scrimmage. Good for some new and unique hockey penalties if used in a sufficiently unconventional manner.

Spooky Ghost Costume: Any antagonist off of the original Scooby-Doo cartoons would work. This will work in any position where speed can be sacrificed for intimidation. A defensive line, for instance, or any kind of goalkeeper. Watch out for meddling kids.

Chevrolet Monte Carlo: Any sport where speed is a primary necessity. Think about returning a punt or running the bases. Note: Such an enhancement is actually legal in NASCAR.

Trebuchet: The basic functionality has been proven for centuries. The opposing team's punt will look pathetic after your special-team launches the ball a half-mile. Is dodgeball a sport? Dodgeball is a sport. Sure, you can dodge a wrench, but can you dodge a three-hundred-pound dodgeball of doom?

Keanu Reeves: Unstoppable execution coupled with questionable physics makes Keanu Reeves a winning enhancement to any team sport. Warning: Slow-motion replays of Keanu's ultra-slow-motion moves may cause time itself to stop. Keep a crazy telephone booth handy at all times.

Cheerleaders: Many sports have tragically overlooked the benefits of cheerleaders. Baseball, soccer, lacrosse, wrestling . . . they are all begging for some sprightly ladies to really pump up that home-field advantage.

The CIA: Plant a mole in the opposing team's huddle. Assassinate the third-base coach. Enhance your own counter-espionage operations by planting false practice tapes. Extort some good players out of third-world dictatorships. The questionable pharmaceutical research is also a bonus, though screening potential drugs in the minor leagues first is recommended.

The Force: Really, what can't the Force do? You'll never miss a shot. Anticipation of your opponent's moves would be second to none. Cut through that defense with the ol' lightning-finger-zaparoo. No other wrestler could compete with your choke hold. Forget about Converse shoes; the Force really does help you run faster, jump higher, live longer etc. Possible side-effects include familial ambiguity, designs at galactic conquest, and turning into a shriveled, bitter old man.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Notre Dame Football 2007
Issue 11: Duke

Look for a big game from:

Notre Dame-Duke Preview

Mitchell Blatt from the fine Juiced Sports Blog (do I have a link to them in my sidebar yet? I really should add one) graciously wrote up a preview for the ND-Duke game. I'm posting it here, so I can continue to whine about being too busy to do my own previews.

Oh, the tradition. Notre Dame. Knute Rockne. Rudy Ruettiger. NBC.
Duke. Steve Spurrier starting his career there. Good basketball team.

Read the entire preview at