The Weekend in Review

The last ramblings Cronk will enjoy as a free man

• Ah, so the Sports Guy is starting to watch VH1. Unfortunately, I watch waaay too much VH1. Sad really. They do far too many countdowns, and I don't even pay attention to those. But, they do have a show called "Best Week Ever." It's an interesting little show where D-list celebrities (people who have the word "Comedian" and/or "Actor" listed under their name, but you've never seen them before in your life) make fun of the stuff that A-list stars have done over the past week. Surprisingly good. A major plus is that now, L'il John has joined the cast of commentators. One week, the show was discussing a school board's decision to add Jewel's book of poetry to their summer reading list. So, L'il John read a short Jewel poem as only he can. Then, he commented, "that's not a poem, that's a run on sentence! Yea-uh!"


• Since Sports Guy watches "The Real World" religiously, and since my buddy Matt admitted to watching it occassionally, I decided to sit down a watch a few episodes. Good Lord, that show is as addicting as crack. It helps, of course, that there's always hot girls on it. Thanks to a VH1 special on reality shows, I picked up this little tidbit of information, which makes the viewing experience all the more entertaining: Reality shows don't take normal people - they only cast people who are blatant stereotypes. Take, for instance, that this year's "Real World" cast had the New York meathead, the trophy wife, the psycho hose beast, the punk girl. Entertaining. As for the Sports Guy's comments: Yes, the Asian girl was insanely hot. It's funny that the punk girl had to leave the show after she realized she didn't fit in with the other stereotypical braindead MTV types. I don't think Jaquese was gay, he was too laid back and smart for those idiots. Y'know what I'm saying?


• I'm also glad the SG agrees on the Moneyball approach to offense. Hey, you can get as many guys on base as you want, but if they can't score, you're not getting anywhere. Look who won the championship last year - the Marlins. They know how to steal bases, hit and run, and lay down a bunt. Oh, they also know how to play defense. Statheads say bunts are a wasted out, but last I checked, you still win by having more runs, not by having a higher OPS. Hello, you play to win the game!


• While we're on the subject of statheads, take a look at the Transaction Wire site I link to. There's nothing like watching a bunch of guys who played the bench in little league trying to belittle Major Leaguers for hitting .260 but having a low VORP (or whatever the crap they make fun of people for).


• What would it be like if all of us KankaManiacs were SportsCenter anchors, or play-by-play/color commentators? Well, we'd be something like John Kruk. You just have to watch Baseball Tonight or read his Page 2 columns, and enjoy the fact he's not taking things too seriously. "The Practice?!"


• Best home run call of the moment, made by a guy who does ESPNews and the weekend SportsCenters: "Barry Bonds steps up to the plate. He's got 99 problems, but that pitch ain't one!"


• In our cable package, ESPN 1 and 2, Fox Sports, TBS, and WGN are all right next to each other. So, during baseball season, my remote's Up and Down buttons get a great workout. The other day, Kaz Tadano was pitching for the Indians (and pitching very well - 19 K's in his last 2 games). I flipped to TBS, and I saw Kevin Millar sporting the Mike Piazza look - bleach blond hair and a fu man chu. Then, I hit the Up button one more time, and WGN was showing what appeared to be an actual gay porno. You can't make this up - but why would you want to?


• I have to admit, the Shea Stadium organist is pretty good. Who else can play "Blister in the Sun," or turn "Mortal Combat" into Charge? Best performance I've heard since the Wrigley organist played Pink at one of my visits to the ballpark.


• A few weeks ago, I commented on Carson Daly's new trend of wearing a sweatband elbow-level with a button-down shirt. Well, while we're starting baseball related trends, I've got a good one. I'm going to start wearing batting gloves in my back pocket, no matter what I'm wearing. The only problem is that this may become expensive as gloves become lost/stolen/dropped.

ND Basketball All-Time Hair Team

Monty Williams, F - well, it was in style at the time
Orlando Woolridge, C - rockin' the part
Dave Batton, C - my hair looks like that when it gets long
Leo Klier, F
Kelly Tripucka, F - I think my mom had that hairdo in the late '70s, too.

ND Basketball All-Time Name Team

Damian Sweet, G - or, as mini-Kanka would say, "Damian Sa-weet!"

Noble Kizer, G - nothing I like more than a noble kaiser

Ed "Moose" Krause, C

Harold "Booty" Swanagan, F

Ken Barlow, F - ok, not really a great name, but if you were Marcus, wouldn't you tell everyone that that was your dad?

View the nominees here

KankaMatic is more or less up to date, but I still have some work to do. I'll also try to put a Transaction Wire up Wednesday night. See everyone this weekend.

Transaction Wire

• Three way trade: Astros get Carlos Beltran, A's get Octavio Dotel, and Royals get three prospects. Well, once again the A's are involved in a deal that involves the Royals dumping a good outfielder (Johnny Damon was the first, and Jermaine Dye was a good player at the time of the trade). The Astros get a major defensive upgrade in center, moving Craig Biggio to left. Adding a young guy with speed and power to the lineup never hurts, either. Getting rid of Dotel and naming Paul Manieri product Brad Lidge closer is great for my fantasy team, but isn't too smart for the Astros. They went from the deepest bullpen backend last year, with Lidge, Dotel, and Billy Wagner, to a very weak pen overall - there's basically no one in front of Lidge. The A's did well in getting a replacement for Arthur Rhodes (Rhodes is still there, he just isn't doing too well), but I would have gone for Lidge. The Royals continue to feel the effects of a tight budget, but they did end up with a good catching prospect (Benito Santiago can't play forever... or can he?) and a good 3B prospect (Joe Randa is decent but no superstar).


• Indians sign Aaron Boone. Not a bad idea. A veteran influence on the bench is always good, and it shows the Indians are willing to spend some money to win. However, Boone does have a tendency to be a walking leg injury (or, maybe he's a not-walking leg injury). My favorite quote from Boone's press conference: "I'm fired up." Boone admitted to having chills while putting on his Indians uniform for the first time; his father Ray started his career with the Tribe back in '48. Aaron's wife noticed a close resemblance between the two - I'll let you decide:
  
  Now, the question is, whose place does Boone take. The obvious choice is current third baseman Casey Blake. But, on second look, Blake is on pace to put up numbers very similar to Boone's averages (about .260, 26 HR, 95 RBI). Plus, Blake can play third, first, and (supposedly) second, while Boone can play anywhere on the infield except first (although he prefers the left side). So, let's say we move Blake to first. That means the guy to go is good glove, no hit 1B Ben Broussard. Well, Broussard will have none of this. In the last 5 games, Broussard has responded with 14 RBI, including a game-deciding grand slam, a go-ahead 3 run HR, a walkoff double, and a game-tying 2 run HR in the 9th. He's not going quitely. Option three, with 2B/SS Brandon Phillips (remember him?) and SS/2B Jhonny Peralta (that's not a typo) on the way, would be to make Blake the "extra" (aka utility) infielder. This of course would spell the end of Omar Vizquel (not a huge surprise), and John McDonald - who is probably the best defensive infielder in the league (Gammons backs me up on this one, and you have to see him in person - he plays every position like it's shortstop), but was never able to sustain a decent batting average (except for last year, when then injury bug bit often).


• Mariners trade Freddy "The Rock" Garcia and Ben Davis to the White Sox for Miguel Olivo, Jeremy Reed, and Mike Morse. Well, Indians fans we starting to whisper the words "playoff run," but this trade might kill that for this year. Garcia joins Mark Buehrle as "are we really good and having a bad spell, or are we washed up at age 25?" pitchers. Davis is a decent catcher. Until now, he platooned with Dan Wilson; let's see how he does as the man (unless a platoon with Sandy Alomar) is in the works. Seattle needs youth, and they got a great deal out of this one. Now that he's an everyday catcher, Olivo could turn into a rather good all-around player. Reed, I'm told, is ready to become a star outfielder in a few short years. Plug him in with Randy Winn and Ichiro, and that's a great place to rebuild around. Morse is a shortstop that helps the Mariners cover ground after trading away young shortstop Carlos Guillen, who is quietly having a career year in Detroit.


• Rockets get Tracy McGrady, Tyronn Lue, Reece Gaines and Juwan Howard from the Orlando Magic for Steve Francis, Cuttino Mobley and Kelvin Cato. First of all - the "other guys": they basically cancel each other out; their real purpose is salary cap finagling. I don't blame McGrady for wanting to go home to Orlando, but once again we have a case of someone who took big money to go to a crappy team, then whined about it when they didn't want to lose any more. Is McGrady-Yao the new Shaq-Kobe? I don't know. McGrady isn't a great defensive player, even though he says he is (MAJOR KANKA SPORTS PHILOSOPHY RULE: Saying "I'm this" or "I'm not that" doesn't get you anywhere. Prove it through your actions. Listen up, Leprechaun Legion (become such a great cheering section that they can't help but move your seats) and Kellen Winslow II ("I'm not a bad person.")). Plus, the offense just has to go through Yao. Can McGrady handle that?


• Chris Niesel signs with the Indians; is assigned to Class A Mahoning Valley of the New York-Penn League. Niesel, ND's number 2 pitcher this year, had a year of eligibilty left, but decided to go pro anyways.


• ND IF Steve Sollman signs with the Brewers and is assigned to Helena of the Pioneer League.


• ND C/IF Javy Sanchez signs with the Twins and is assigned to Elizabethton (Tenn.) of the Appalachian League.

KankaMatic pages are updated. Of course, this means my weekly ritual of a) putting Sammy Sosa on the DL and calling up Hideki Matsui or b) activating Sosa from the DL and sending down Matsui is now complete. In case anyone's interested, Mike also just cut Larry Walker, who had about 35 home runs and 75 RBI against the Indians last weekend. Oh, and unfortunately, I was "that guy," as I was the first to steal someone off waivers (Jorge Julio - I'm building for the future!).

The Weekend in Review

Where I'm looking to use this blog to get press credentials

• OK, who wants to put an over under on the age we'll be before we all cave in and sign up for ND Fantasy Camp?


• Why did this just hit me now? Minute Maid Park (aka "The Juice Box") has to be one of the best hitters' park out there. It's short down the lines, complete with a porch in left (sluggers love it when they have something to aim at). Then, center field is just huge - small guys can put it up the middle then run for days. It's great for everyone. And hey, if you're lucky enough to be a ground ball up the middle pitcher, you can survive there too.


• Congrats to Wes O'Neill (Islanders) and David Brown (Penguins, two ND players selected in the NHL draft over the weekend.


• Got my Timmermans poster the other day, and Chad (Ellen loves him) sent me an extra as well. If anyone still wants one (a poster, not Chad) let me know.


• ESPN has brought back "The Rick," aka Mike O'Malley, currently star of CBS's "Yes, Dear" (decent pre-Raw show), and formerly the host of every single Nickelodeon game show not named "Double Dare." It was such a great commercial character ("Yeah, I was a senior on JV. But I did have my cup of coffee with the varsity."), I won't even call this a desperate gimmick on ESPN's part.


• Don't be That Guy I


• Don't be That Guy II


• So, if you were Torrian Jones, would you pick up girls by telling them stories about guarding the #3 picks from the last two years' drafts? Segueway...

NBA Draft Review

1 Orlando Dwight Howard: blah blah upside blah blah. Well, it's a good pick if and when Okafor's pulling a Larry Bird and lying down between trips on the court in two years.

2 Charlotte Emeka Okafor: My poster says Timmermans once took him off the dribble. I believe it.

3 Chicago Ben Gordon: Solid, he'll do well. In any other year, there's no way he's the #3.

7 Chicago Luol Deng: A project, but he can surprise you with what he knows already.

9 Philadelphia Andre Iguodala: A gutsy pick, mostly an upside pick. Dicky V said they should have gone for Jackson, but they already have that Creighton guy shooting 45% from 3's.

10 Cleveland Luke Jackson: That's a good pick. I like that pick, and I'll tell you why. Jackson is like the male Alicia Ratay - 44% career from 3's in college. But, he can create his own shot. That's key on a team with no other long range shooters.

12 Seattle Robert Swift: Um, I don't know. Is he related to Stromile Swift?

33 L.A. Clippers SuperNintendo Chalmers: That's it, just the Simpsons joke.

37 Atlanta Royal Ivey: Is he related to Niele Ivey? I'm still trying to figure this out.

38 Chicago Chris Duhon: At least it's not Daniel Ewing. Dirty Smirnoff Ice drinker.

43 New York Trevor Ariza: Ummm... never heard of him. Are we guessing he's good since he's from UCLA?

51 New Jersey Christian Drejer : What, did you guys forget to show up for the first 50 picks? About time you got here.


Wow, guess I should actually do a Transaction Wire this week. Tune back in Wednesday night/Thursday morning for that. Oh, and I know that I'm getting really behind with the KankaMatic pages, but the database is up to date, and I'll try to update the pages tomorrow.

Weekend in Review

by Dave Schmitt, Special to KankaNation

Last weekend began at Shea Stadium, where Ellen, my mom, my sister, and I watched the Mets play the Tigers. Before the game there was a ceremony honoring Mike Piazza for breaking the all-time home run record for catchers. Kanka would’ve loved all the old catchers in attendance. The living Hall of Famers were all there – Yogi Berra, Johnny Bench, Carlton Fisk, and Gary Carter. Two guys also represented the Tigers. One was obviously Pudge Rodriguez, who’s a likely future HOF catcher in his own right. The other guy? Turns out it was none other than the great catcher Lance Parrish. I’m name-dropping 80’s ballplayers. It’s fun. Anyway, Tommy Lasorda, being Mike’s “paison” (Italian buddy) and real-life Godfather, gave a speech. His best line of many: “When Mike first came to camp with the Dodgers, he played baseball like my wife shops: all day, every day!” (By the way, can anyone remember Tommy’s classic line from the pep rally a few years back, something about a “weight problem”, being hungry, and killing the other team? It’s driving me nuts trying to remember it). John Franco presented Mike with a bottle of wine and a fancy watch on behalf of his teammates. Hearing John talk, I think they keep him around just as a mascot. His arm’s obviously shot, but he’s so NY, and he definitely fits in more with the Mets than with the corporate mercenaries on the Spankmees. The organization gave Mike a sweet Chevy conversion sports car/SUV thingee. It was yellow, with his name, number, and 352 for the number of HRs as a catcher painted on it. Awesome. Of course Jeff Wilpon (son of owner) and Art Howe got booed (not as bad as on Gary Carter Day the season after the bungled A-Rod free agency, when we booed Steve Philips throughout his entire speech. Good times. They weren’t dumb enough to let those guys speak this time). But the best part of the ceremony came at the very end. Yogi, being in the Crazy Old Man Hall of Fame, was spacing out through the entire ceremony. I’m talking “staring straight ahead, eyes bulging, Ellen-level” spacing out. When everyone got up to leave the field, he had no idea what was going on, and just sat there. Finally, someone on the grounds crew came over and tapped him on the shoulder and told him it was time to get up. High comedy. The game was quality: walkoff homer by Mike Cameron (he made contact!)

Saturday night, we went to my Aunt Betty’s 50th birthday party. Nothing fancy, just family and some friends. Her boyfriend, Archie, is a member of the Loyal Order of the Moose (insert John Doyle joke here), which is a group similar to the Knights of Columbus (but not religious) of generally older men who hang out, do community service, etc. He was able to rent out their meeting hall for the party. So outside my family, most of the other people there were friends they had met through the Moose, mostly boring older guys in flannel shirts with their wives, trying to dance to an incredibly unhip DJ. So you can imagine how exciting this scene was (actually, it was a pretty fun time). Anyway, the only booze they had there was Bud on tap (fine by me) and wine-in-a-box (obviously fine by Ellen.) Waaaaaay too fine by Ellen. When I was ready for my second beer, she was on 3 wines. When I got 3, she was up to 5. Shit got ugly. But it wasn’t like she got progressively drunker. It just hit her. Basically, she got trashed at my aunt’s 50th birthday party, not exactly a boozefest of epic proportions. On boxed wine. I had to take her outside for air several times, and she kept falling over. She remembers little about the later parts of the evening. If Kanka had a cell phone, he definitely would’ve been drunk-dialed. Suffice to say, it was one of the funnier experiences I’ve had recently. So what’s the moral of the story?

Ellen +Boxed Wine = Trouble.

*Editors notes:
-"These guys all have 'wait' problems. They can't wait to get out there and win tomorrow!"
-So, is Cameron pulling a "Dave Justice in the 2001 World Series"?
-"paison"/"paisono"/whatever used to be such a cool word when they used it on the Super Mario Brothers Super Show. Now, whenever I hear it, all I can think of is that God-awful "Love, Italian Style" SI article about Gino Auriemma and Diani Taurasi. After that, all I can think of was the incredibly high amount of hits I get from people Googling for "Diani Taurasi"+boyfriend. I wish I was making this up. I really shouldn't have written this right after dinner...
-Well, before I turn this into a running diary on Dave's column, I'd better stop now. And remember: Always wipe, and stay of the pipe. Until next time, tell them I'm Chillin'.

The Weekend in Review

Ramblings from a guy who was once traded for a soccer ball

• I think that "baseball players not wearing their caps" is up there with "womens basketball players trying to walk in heels" as far as awkward athlete moments go. Their hairstyles are never what you expect. For example, in addition to the insane amount of balding guys, you also have Sean Casey's circa 1996 hair Brett Boone's inexplicable frosty tips.


• Alicia Ratay realized she couldn't live without basketball, and is currently looking to play in Europe. She'll be in the WNBA in no time.


• Danny Almonte, the kid who pitched a perfect game in the Little League World Series at age 14 (the age limit is 12), has recently led his high school to a New York state championship. Almonte reportedly has an 87 mph heater and a wicked breaking ball. But wait, there's more. Because he took a year off before entering high school, Almonte is currently a 17 year old sophomore. What does this mean? Well, his senior year, he'll be 19 - a year or two older than everyone else he plays against.


• Finally, be sure to check out C'mon Ref!, a Detroit-centric blog that was nice enough to link to us.

Transaction Wire

• Three way trade: YHC gets 2b Jose Vidro from Gammonsesquity; MMEB get 3B Corey Koskie from YHC and free booze from Gammonsesquity; Gammonsesquity gets 2B Luis Castillo from MMEB. A great trade all around - Dave gets insurance at 2B in case Brett Boone gets busted for 'roids, Kanka's team gets younger and faster, and Klondike gets free booze.


• White Sox trade RP Billy Kock to Florida for a minor leaguer. Well, Koch was always more of a thrower than a pitcher, and Billy Beane basically cheated when he was able to get Keith Foulke for Koch a few years ago. Now that Koch is barely topping 90, it's time for him to reinvent himself as a setup man in Florida.


• Royals trade RP Jason Grimsley to Baltimore. Ah, it took a whole year for the Royals to return to their "trade everyone as soon as their good" philosophy.


• Phil Jackson is out of LA (poor baby doesn't want to rebuild). Shaq and Kobe shouldn't be far behind.


• Rumor has it that there's a small shot the Cavs would trade Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Carlos Boozer for Shaq and Luke Walton. That's terrrrible! Yeah, let's give up my favorite Cav (Boozer) for my two least favorite Lakers. Why don't we trade for Warren Sapp, Shannon Sharpe, and Ray Lewis while we're at it. Yippee!


• Everyone's probably heard the Tracy McGrady for Steve Francis rumor by now. Random question: who's better, McGrady or Kobe? I'd say Kobe is a smarter player, but if you want pure talent (at least as a scorer), I'd take McGrady.


• WNBA news: rumor has it that the Minnesota Lynx are interested in a trade to bring Lindsay Whalen (or Whay Dizzle, as her friends call her) to her hometown team. The Lynx are prepared to give up three players, including former K-State standout Nicole Ohlde, but the Connecticut Sun allegedly want four players in return for the rookie guard.

I have all the KankaMatic transactions up to date, so don't worry. I'll have to wait until tomorrow to update the web pages, however. Scoring on the main page, however, is up to date.

I was planning to do a Transaction Wire today, but since there isn't much going on, here are a few more ramblings:

• Packers sign Tim Couch. Couch, in theory, is a "mobile enough to get a pass off," make-things-happen kind of guy. Becoming Brett Favre's backup is probably the best thing that could have happened to him (of course, that all depends on you opinion of Favre). Three things can come of this; unfortunately for Couch, two are bad. 1) Brett Farve takes Couch under his wing, Couch learns well, and Couch finally lives up to his potential. 2) Once Favre retires, Couch tries to hard to actually be Brett Favre and remains a disappointment. 3) Couch does good, but Packers fans start to complain since he isn't Brett Favre. Rattle, Couch begins to lose it, and he must flee town once again.


• Congrats to the Pistons. Believing that anything can happen, I actually gave them some chance to win the finals. Of course, I was also waiting for the Lakers to wake up and win 3 straight. Boy, it's been fun today watching all the "there's no way the Lakers can lose" 'experts' eat their words today.


• Rumor has it that tOSU alum Bob Knight is interested in the vacant head coaching job. However, tOSU has yet to show interest in Knight (perhaps due to influence from Miles Brand in the Big Ten?). As a player, Knight helped lead tOSU to two championships back in the 1950s.


• Finally, I'll point you to two articles from SportsPickle: "‘Playmakers’ DVD boxed set contains 14-Hour Baltimore Ravens documentary"; "Idiot on cell phone waving to camera told he’s an idiot by person he’s talking to on his cell phone." I'd also recommend checking out the Ponder This section.


• Finally, if you get a chance, be sure to check out Coast to Coast Tickets. They've been gracious enough to offer a "link exchange" - basically, we'll each be advertising on the other's page.

The Weekend in Review

I'm Kanka, and I approve these ramblings

• So, we had this guy come in to work last week to install some new software. He needed to read off a product number to someone back at the home office, so he used his cell phone. Here's how he read it off: "H S Five Two Four Niner Niner." Did I detect a 'niner' in there? What, were you using a walkie-talkie? Then, I looked again, and he was using a Nextel phone... specifically, the built-in walkie-talkie feature.


• So, the latest rumblings are that Lorain could be trying to lure a Frontier League team by building a stadium on some soon-to-be-renovated lakefront property. The Frontier League is an independent minor league, whose alumni include Angels reliever Brendan Donnelly. Now, the question is, should I start training for the predicted 2006 start, or should I try to save my money for the $8 million that the league president is asking for a new franchise?


• So, for last Friday's Reds-Indians Indians pitcher CC Sabathia in all red. This of course means the Indians were dressed in red from head to toe. Seeing CC Sabathia dressed like a 6'7" tomato caused my dad to remember Boog Powell in the very same uniform. Now, the only thing more than amusing than Sabathia or Powell in all red was the fact that Powell left the bright orange jerseys of Baltimore just in time to suit up in monochrome red.


• So, the other night, I was forced to watch the MTV Video Music Awards with my sisters. The scariest thing was seeing the guy who plays Stiffler now with long-ish hair and a bad five o'clock shadow. The new look gave him an eerie resemblance to one Charlie Manson.


• The highlight of the MTV VMA, of course, was the obligatory reaction shot of KankaNation Hall of Famer Snoop Dogg every time remotely funny happened onstage.


• Actual pregame pep-talk from my softball game the other day (our coach's lines in regular text, and our responses in italics):
  "Now, does anybody remember that speech from 'Major League'?"
  "Oh, you mean we should be like that catcher who read 'Playboy' because we're thinking too much?"
  "No, that's not it"
  "You mean when Jake Taylor said, 'Let's win the whole damn thing"?
  "Or when they took pieces of that girl every time they won?"
  "No, no. It's from that one where they all get sent down but come back."
  "Oh, the one in the minors? That one sucked; nobody saw it."
  "OK, just get out there."


• Ken Griffey, Jr. hit his 499th career home run off of Cliff Lee the other day. On the first pitch of his next at bat, Lee threw the ball behind Griffey. After the game, Griffey said that Lee was lucky that Griffey was not a pitcher, or Griffey would bean him his first time up at Cincinnati. Of course, Griffey would know all about doing things that deserve to get a guy beaned, since his little "walk and stare" routine is practically trademarked. (Of course, I'm not too bitter, since that little routine managed to turn a double into a single in this series. Plus, now that Griffey hustles to first less that Manny Ramirez, Albert "Joey" Belle, and Milton Bradley combined, a would be infield single turned into a rally-killing groundout in game two of the series.)


• So, the Sports Guy thinks that the team with the best player always wins the NBA Finals? OK, so is that Rip, 'Sheed, Chauncey, or Ben Wallace?


• Has anyone seen the Verizon commercial about the guy who's the first among his college friends to get a job? He's trying to be all serious in his business suit in his cubicle, and riding around with his bosses in a limo, and there are his friends. First time, his answers his phone, and they're all on the other end: "Schmitty!" Then, it's "Gueth howmny cookies I have in my mouf right now?" Ah, Dave, aren't you glad that a) I hate cell phones and b) the rest of us all have jobs and didn't just get some random appartment on Long Island just to bug you?
  

The Weekend in Review

Ramblings from a guy whose twin once hooked up with an Aussie bartender

• Leftovers from last week: So, on the way home from Knoxville, I stopped at a Wendy's for dinner. The song playing? "Getaway." I can't escape this stuff. Fortunately, I was able to enjoy the whole song, as it took about 15 minutes for them to make a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. Must've been tOSU grads.


• Speaking of "All Dye, All the Time," I stopped in to check out Lorain Catholic's jazz band a few times this year. Now, the songs they played were the same as always, but they did have a few new ones in the folder. Joining the classic "Carry On My Wayward Son" were "Livin' La Vida Loca," "Smooth," a Gloria Estefan medley (somehow not including "Rhythym of the Night"), and "American Pie." None were Dye arrangements, but I still about fell out of my seat as I flipped through the folder and just... couldn't... escape... the Dye songs.


• Transaction Wire (wow, haven't done that in ages): Angels sign Raul Mondesi. So, we have Vlad Guerrero and Jose Guillen. With Garret Anderson, that's probably the best throwing outfield in the majors. (In fact, except for Ichiro, who is more technique than raw power, those are probably three of the best individual arms in baseball). Oh shoot, Anderson's hurt. How can we make sure no one goes from first to third on us ever? Oh yeah, that Mondesi guy's available, let's put him in center. Well, I for one wouldn't run on these guys.


• So, Ellen and Dave are separated at work by one cubicle? A certain catch-phrase comes to mind. Let's see... Oh yeah, "don't be that guy."


• Speaking of Marsh - is it true that Bon Jovi's brother works there? Is it just me, or do we just have to invite this guy to the 'Backer?


• Overheard on The Daily show: "If the Republicans can turn 'Lierberman' into 'Loserman,' the Democrats can't nominate someone who has 'sack' in his name." Well, there go my plans for the next four years. (This quote refers to Iowa Senator Tom Vilsack's consideration as a vice-presidential running mate.)


• I said it before, and I'll say it again. Between the Pistons' defense and the fact the Lakers are guaranteed to not show up for at least two games, LA's going to finish one of these games with about 45 points - total.


• Poor Smarty Jones. His MO so far has been to hang out in the middle of the pack for 3/4 of the race, then power ahead down the home stretch. Unfortunately, all the other jockeys decided to use the "Australian short track speed skater" method at the Belmont Stakes, hanging out in the back and not letting Smarty be anywhere else but in first. Then, Birdstone pulls the Smarty Jones and saves Visa some endorsement money (Visa supposedly offered $50mil to Smarty Jones if he won the Triple Crown).


• Poor Philadelphia. They haven't seen a championship since 1983. Yeah. OK.


• Belmont - Triple Crown race, cheap liquor store, or Canadian strip club? Discuss.


• ND baseball has finished another fine season (51-12). In the double elimination regionals, ND started on Friday with a 2-1 loss to Kent State's (Kent is not a state) best pitcher. The Irish followed with a pair of wins on Saturday against UC-Irvine and Kent State. This meant ND had to beat Arizona twice on Sunday to advance to the super regionals. Matt "Don't call me Townie" Edwards had two homers. The game was back and forth with ND trailing 6-3 in the top of the 7th. Then, OF Cody Rizzo tied it with a three run bomb. Unfortunately, Arizona was able to manufacture a run in the bottom of the 7th, and the final score was 7-6.


• The Gipper on ND (courtesy ND press releas): [the University] "stands among the winds of subjectivity for lasting values and principles that are at the heart of our civilization and upon which all human progress is built. If they want to see the goodness and love of life of this generation, the commitment to decency and a better future, let them come here…to Notre Dame."

Baseball's Amateur Draft - Highlights from Day 1

#1 Overall - Padres take local HS SS Matt Bush. A very Twins-Joe Mauer-esque move.
#3 Overall - Mets take Rice (defending NCAA champs) P Philip Humber.
#6 Overall - Indians take P Jeremy Sowers of Vanderbilt.
#10 Overall - Rangers take U of New Orleans P Thomas Diamond.
#11 Overall - Pirates take HS C Neil Walker.
#12 Overall - Angels take Long Beach St. P Jered Weaver. Originally picked to go #2 overall, he dropped dramatically after agent Scott Boras began asking for a huge contract.
#15 Overall - Diamondbacks take FSU SS Stephen Drew - brother of JD and Tim. Expected to be #1 overall until the news of San Diego's interest in Matt Bush broke out.
#16 Overall - Blue Jays take Oklahoma P David Purcey.
#23 Overall - Yankees take HS P Philip Hughes.
Round 2
#66 Overall - Cubs take ND junior (redshirt sophomore) P Grant Johnson.
#69 Overall - White Sox take HS P Raymond Liotta. Maybe they hope he'll play like Shoeless Joe.
#93 Overall - Mariners take HS SS Matthew Tuiasosopo. I'm assuming he's the brother of the former USC footballer.
Round 5
#140 Overall - Rockies take ND junior 3B Matt Macri. Trivia: Macri was the Twins' backup in '02 if they couldn't sign Mauer.
Round 9
#257 Overall - Indians take ND junior P Chris Niesel.
Round 10
#287 Overall - Brewers take ND 2B Steve Sollman.
Round 14
#421 Overall - Twins take ND C (IF) Javi Sanchez.
Teams have until next year's draft to sign the high schoolers and college juniors. If they choose not to sign, the juniors will reenter the draft and the high schoolers will again be draft-eligible after their junior years.

The Weekend in Review

"Not Getting in Trouble With My Significant Other" Edition

Well, the ride down was rather uneventful, until I got to Cincinnati. Freaking Cincinnati. All those dang business majors just had to get out of work early on Friday. Who said that?
Well, once I was past that, I got to see all the great sights on I-75: Florence Y'all, Big Bone Lick State Park. Ah, good times.
I was the first to arrive at the house (other than Cronk). The After a rough introduction to Super Smash Brothers Melee, the Alaskan showed up with a certain whipped... I mean married man. Ah, the Jeep had survived yet another trip. It was time for a few stories and even more video games. The next thing you know, Klondike had the flask out; apparently, he only had room for one, however.
The final group was not due in for another four hours, so repeated cell phone calls were made to check progress. That's good, I thought, since three grown men with college degrees could never fend for themselves in case of a minor mishap. The final call was the best, however. Mike: "Where are you guys right now?" "We're right outside the house." Hey, great timing. I walked outside to proclaim, "Hey you guys!" For the record, I was overly loud due more to sugar and lack of sleep than alcohol, even though my tolerance has gone to pbbbttt lately.
The late night meant nothing was planned until Saturday afternoon. We woke up and headed out to the paintball range. The introduction involved the important "Don't be a Jerk Rule," which meant no firing from within 10 feet. Unfortunately for Klondike, that rule didn't include not getting fired at after being hit and trying to stand up. You see, when you were hit, you were supposed to raise your gun in the air to signal you're out. Well, Klondike raised his gun, but then needed to use that arm to help him stand. "Gee, Klondike's wide open!" I noticed. Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang! "Hey!" Dah. Other highlights included Scott being hit while in a slow motion dive. I was fortunate that Mike mentioned that we should wear a "noseguard" (a cup). It was Mike himself who hit the shot that richocheted off my male protection. I have the paint splatter on my jock strap to prove it. I'm sure you all wanted to hear that one. Well, I'll move on to a more humorous moment. One of the games went down to me and Dave against Cronk. Now, we were probably the worst players out there. Within a short time, I ran out of ammo. Mike, on the sidelines, yelled "Guy who is not Dave - move over and shoot at Cronk!" "I'm out of ammo!" I yelled repeatedly. Well, I thought of the best thing I could do. "I'm out of ammo, time to throw paintballs!" Cronk had no idea what was going on, and my plan worked. In the confusion and laughter, Dave hit Cronk. For the last round, everyone was low on ammo. We realized that Cronk hadn't been hit in the head yet, as asked by ROTC, so Mike and I went after him. However, we were out before we knew it. So, again I did the best thing I could. "Banzai!" I charged Cronk chucking paintballs with my right arm, only to be nailed in the head. Ah, good times.
After showering off, we headed to one of those Japanese restaurants where they grill at the table. Now, in our section, the floor was raised, but the table was in a pit with the tabletop at about floor level (in other words, we sat on the floor with our legs "underground." Now, since the floor was at about table level, whenever people walked by, they looked like they were walking across a table. I was waiting for the Heartland-style music and dancing to kick in. Dinner was good, but unfortunately, no one wanted to pitch in to get Cronk the "Japanese Happiness Song."
After a trip to the store for supplies, it was time for a night of booze and video games. Fortunately, there were no fights, or else the fists would have been flying. I preferred MVP Baseball that Pete brought along with his XBox. Cronk's friend Kurt did as well - he likes switch-hitters as much as he likes Natalie Portman. I had my first shot of straight gin, and "I'll tell you what" - I can see why the Alaskan likes the stuff. That'll warm you up something fierce.
Sunday morning was time for mass. I was able to talk Cronk into a noon mass (similar to Sam trying to custom-order masses on away trips). Afterwards, it was Schlotsky's for lunch. Nothing like the Jewish Deli after the Catholic mass.
Sunday was set aside for a barbeque, and it was a solid one. But first, we stopped at the insane asylum for a game of wiffle ball. The team of Dave, Mike, Brandon, and me (with Klondike pitching) dominated the team of Pete, Joey, Cronk, and Scott. And by "dominated," I of course mean "sucked less." Back to the barbeque, and this was a fancy one - we had some pork roast and brought out the fine crystal. Next, we stopped to visit Cronk's house (in the middle of Tennessee). I finally got to meet Cronk's parents, after they had seen me on TV for years. Cronk gave us a tour of the house while Klondike swapped stories with the parents. Pete's favorite part of the tour was Cronk's sister's room, but everyone else seemed to enjoy Cronk's sister's modelling quality picture (ahem. sports bra.) - even if it was next to Cronk's band award. Dah. After the house tour, we drove through UT. All the campus streets were named after current sports celebs - Todd Helton Dr. (who else has a fantasy team player with a street named after them), Pat Summitt Dr., Peyton Manning Pass, and Phillip Fullmer St. (or is that the "Insert the Current Coach Here" St.?) Neyland Stadium reminded me of Distaster Transport at Cedar Point (an 80s futuristic factory eyesore), and the orange-roofed McDonald's made everyone say Dah.
Back at the house, it was time for poker night. The game this time was Texas Hold 'Em, and Klondike's resentment against Texas made him the master of this game. Everyone won at least once (I hope). I discovered something during the game - a Gin Remix (Sprite Remix & Tanqueray) is much better than a Gin & Juice made with Slice. The Gin Remix was almost chick drink good - "Tanqueray and Remix, yeah I'm f*cked up now."
Well, that was that. We all headed for home the next morning. I'm sure there are some stories I'm forgetting, so feel free to post them to the board - unless you're afraid of getting in trouble that is. Thanks again to Brandon and Joey for the accomodations. Their house is for sale if you want it - the price is good, too.

Due to the weekend, I'm going to extend the KankaMatic new player auctions and waiver wires until Friday. Speaking of KankaMatic, you can find the link on the top of the page.

Weekend in Review (clean version) will be here tomorrow night (hopefully). Tonight, I'm off to my softball game (where I'm not a switch hitter).

Don't forget to RSVP for the Brintnall/Cronk wedding by next Monday.

Notre Dame Commencement: A Year Later

By Pete Godlewski - Special to KankaNation

So after choosing my thesis lab here in Philadelphia, I took a little vacation. For this vacation I went out to South Bend, IN for senior week and commencement to spend time with my girlfriend Jess.
I flew into the Bend on Thursday afternoon of senior week. It was rather sunny and a pretty good day there. Jess came to pick me up at the airport and the merry time began. (As you’re going to find with this, I’m only really going to hit the major points…I mean come on, it’s South Bend.)
We went out to dinner that night and proceeded to my first (and probably last) trip to Heartland. Apparently it was a crowded night as the juniors who were wrapping up exams were all out as were the seniors. As it happened this was my first of four Tom Timmermans sightings. Now remember everyone…Ellen lllllllllloooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeesssssss him. Some rather small looking girl had dragged him out to the dance floor. Needless to say someone who is about 5’5” grinding on Tom Timmermans while he looks around with the face of a great Dane was highly amusing. After the evening was over we went outside to grab a cab and noticed that a hot dog vendor had conveniently set up shop right next to the entrance. A great idea seeing as how Borracho and Nick’s Patio were nowhere close. In Philly the post-drinking food is cheesesteaks, in the Bend it is hot dogs.
The next day we went to the Dunes. We drove out to Michigan City, where Jess and some of her friends got the brilliant idea of running up the side of Mt. Baldy. After giving up two of them for dead we made it to the top and proceeded to roll down the other side. So I look up the beach and see a giant steam stack, similar to the ones seen at nuclear power plants. It was attached to a coal power plant situated right at the end of the beach. Now I know where greenpeace gets their photos. When I get the picture I will send it along. During a stop at Meijer to get food before hand I picked up a foam baseball bat and sand toys. The girls started making a sand castle, which in the end turned out to look like a giant nipple. Joey Lopez armed with a digital camera and I had a great time. Nothing like three girls on top of a giant nipple. After fun and frolicking on the beach we started to drive back when my girlfriend had a stupid moment. Now I must preface this by saying she was in the top ten for the accounting class. She turned to all of us and asked, “So was that a man made lake?” I looked at her like Cronk does whenever he can’t wrap his brain around an idea. Apparently Lake Michigan is not big enough for her.
Saturday was a trip to Potato Creek State Park right outside South Bend with Jess because she wanted to use paddle boats. The people at the rental place said that we should watch out because they had a thunderstorm warning. She said she wanted to go anyways, so we got in the boat and started paddling. We get out to the middle of the lake and of course the thunderstorm is upon us. I hear a boom and then get poured on for about 10 minutes straight. Jess asked me why I was backpaddling. After that we went hiking around and back to campus to grab showers. That night after dinner we went to Legends to grab a drink and relax. I was looking through their extensive and weird beer list when one caught my eye. Monty Python’s Holy Grail Ale. It was extremely good and I kept the bottle if only for the writing on the bottom of the label that said, “Tempered Over Burning Witches.” If you guys are back there I highly recommend it.
The rest of the weekend was pretty low key. Monday evening was the highly entertaining Band Pub Crawl, aka, All the Places Pete Has Never Been before. It began at BW3’s with mass consumption of wings and the handing out of heinous orange shirts with an 8 bit picture of Dr. Dye on the front. After BW3’s we went to Fiddler’s Hearth and the Oyster Bar right next door. From there we took our bus to Coveleski Stadium and dollar Monday’s. From there we went to Finnigan’s, which opened especially for us on a Monday night. Onto Corby’s, which was much more crowded and then there was the first band person who decided to lose it outside due to too much drink. This also marked another Timmerman’s sighting, he was near a pool table attempting to lean down and play but couldn’t get enough people out of the way to take a shot. Finally we ended up at the Backer, where Mike Siembor had some problems outside the bar with stomach issues. Most of the people left around 12:30AM because the Backer wasn’t all that exciting. Jess, I and some of her piccolo friends (DAH), went to Nick’s Patio and stayed there for quite awhile whilst they sobered up. All in all a good night.
Tuesday, most seniors went to Cedar Point, but since Jess sold her soul to the band for commencement week and a trip to New Zealand and Australia, we stayed around campus for a lazy day. This was actually better because most of these nuts left for Sandusky between 5 and 7 in the morning, and I was nowhere near sober enough to follow them plus I got sleep.
Wednesday marked the night of the Senior Formal. Jess gave me her digital camera and I resembled a Japanese tourist most of the night while I snapped photos of her and her friends for the majority of the night. Apparently the senior formal committee decided to spend the majority of their money on fireworks which lasted five minutes. They also decided the dance would only go until about 1 with last call at 12:30. So all of the people in their formal attire decided to walk (and by walk I mean fall all over themselves) outside in the rain to State. There was a huge line outside, but again with the aforementioned hot dog stand. We got in to State and saw Tom Timmermans for the third time. Once again, seeing Timmy dance is about one of the scariest things you could possibly lay eyes on.
Thursday was the Seniors’ Last Trip to the Grotto, which was actually a great event. Fr. Paul Doyle was their senior fellow and gave a pretty touching speech. Four of the seniors read a montage of different stories about their times on campus, hearing about drinking escapades in the basilica while also seeing Fr. Poorman twist his face as much as Cronk does when he says something strange was priceless. Thank God Poorman isn’t President. Anyways, everyone filed out of the church afterwards and there were lit candles on the paths down to the Grotto which everyone was supposed to take with them. Monk gave a blessing over everyone of the seniors and their class rings. It was something I wish I would’ve done last year but didn’t. Definitely glad I got a second chance to watch and be a part of it.
Friday was the beginning of graduation ceremonies. Jess double majored in accounting and psychology. The first of the things we went to was the psychology graduation ceremony and reception. There were a bunch of speeches by faculty and the chairman (which was terrible by the way). Finally the psych student with the highest academic standing or award got up and started to talk. You know for as much as Arts and Letters people were taught to read and write you would think a speech at your graduation would be good. Oh well, maybe I’m just heartless. After that we ducked through the rain to the reception where there was no food. Meeting up with Jess’ family, we went to the band building for the “lawn concert”. It was good, but far too long. They actually had a good turnout for the fact that it was so far from the dome and there is a ton of construction in front of the band building now. After that I had my first Red Lobster experience of my life, and as far as fish in the middle of Indiana goes, it was pretty good.
Saturday morning came and so did the accounting department graduation. Dean Woo had a great address on the subject of fear and how it shouldn’t hold anyone back. The top accounting major spoke and strung so many accounting puns together it took everything I had from choking. He did say that we had accrued a national championship. Interesting. Jess had to go off to a two hour rehearsal with the choirs right before the mass and I spent time with her family for that. The mass was incredible as always. Got one of my first glimpses of Fr. Jenkins. Monk was actually pretty good when it came to public speaking over the course of the weekend. It was a sharp departure from his usual self. Maybe he’s relieved that it’s almost over. We went to the cake dinner after that at North Dining Hall. Although we did pass the dinner in the JACC and they had 1000 cakes in a rather impressive pyramid. The food was pretty good for the dining hall, you could buy bottles of wine, and more than once I heard parents saying to their kids, “You complain about this food? This is great stuff!”
Sunday I pulled the Japanese tourist routine again as we walked around campus taking pictures. Turned out to be a gorgeous day considering the entire week had been thunderstorms and rain. We dropped Jess off at her entrance and moved onto ours. Her brother (my former RA) and I sat up in the bleachers. Justice Alan Page was the commencement speaker and gave a much better speech than our speaker, Sen. Lugar. He spoke on Notre Dame, a little bit about football, and a lot about race. There was no Lifetime special about women at Notre Dame this year, but nothing about Fr. Joyce which I found a little surprising. The valedictorian’s speech was about how there is no pamphlet for how real life is unlike the pamphlet we got about going to Notre Dame. It was ok, not great. The archies had great buildings on their mortarboards again, the most impressive being a four foot tall column from Italy. A great ceremony though, much better than last year’s. We then loaded up Jess’ room after the ceremony, and her parents left. I don’t think it hit her yet, it definitely didn’t hit me until she told me about band camp and the first football game. It was kind of tough going back and seeing all of it in so much detail again. Just felt kind of out of place.
Monday morning I dropped Jess at the band building where I was greeted with Cieslak being wheeled around in a laundry cart…scary enough on a Monday morning. She went on her way to New Zealand and Australia where she is currently. I went back to Castle Point where I had been staying with a former roommate of mine, and then onto the airport. Storms had come through earlier in the day and everything at O’Hare was backed up. My flight in the evening had gotten canceled, but I managed to the get the last seat on the flight before that. I got onto that flight because it had been stuck out on the tarmac at O’Hare for two hours and was very late. So I got my ticket, went through security, saw the plane, and then they announced that it was canceled because the flight crew had gone over their allotted FAA flying time, and there were no more flights out that day. United also said the earliest available open flights were at 7:30PM the next night. I ended up taking the 5:30AM bus the next morning to O’Hare, getting stuck on it for four hours when we got held up in Chicago traffic and then catching an 11AM flight back to Philly. Thankfully I have a pretty understanding boss so life was good.
All in all it was a great week. It’s a place I think we all miss, and it was definitely different to be sitting in the cheap seats looking on and wishing I was back there. It’s hard because it is different now. Leaving a place that felt so much like home is really difficult. But I’m glad I have the opportunity to share it with all of you guys, my friends. Thanks.

The Weekend in Review

Good Old Fashion Ramblings Edition

So I haven't been watching the NBA playoffs because of baseball (remember, I parted ways with the NBA and only recently am coming back). But, after Brian Scalabrine's game 5 performance... I believe the phrase is "I love this game!"

Add the Scalabrine performance to the sheer entertainment that is a Sacramento Kings game. I'm pulling for the T'Wolves in this series, but I can't help but liking the UCR-quality of Sacramento. I mean, the stuff Doug Christie does - you just have to watch him to really enjoy it. I definitely need tickets when the Kings come to Gund Arena next year. Add to that:
Brad Miller's scrappy play
the fact that, if my dad hadn't slept through the whole game, I probably would have had to tell him several times that the only way to tell Christie and Mike Bibby apart is the fact Bibby wears a headband
Vlade
You can't make this up.

Now, in the imaginary universe where the Simpsons exist as real people, is Homer the ultimate That Guy? Now, if I was driving around Lorain, and Homer's new song about Flanders, I's probably blurt out, "Hey, isn't that That Guy who was an astronaut?" (Of course, when I saw him on TV as an astronaut, I'd probably also say, "Hey, isn't that That Guy from the B Sharps?"

Fomer ND player news: Gary Godsey was denied a sixth year of eligibility, mainly because his redshirt freshman year was not for medical reasons. Godsey says he will hire an agent and pursue his NFL options. Elsewhere, Nick Setta (Ellen loves him) signed a deal with the New Orleans Saints. Setta was in the middle of a perfect minicamp with his hometown Bears, but they just didn't have any room for him. Setta will compete with Lou Holtz Era legend John Carney for a spot on the team, although I once again wouldn't rule out a kickoff specialst's job.

You may have read the Sports Guy's mailbag last week, in which a reader pointed out the eerie resemblance between Diana Taurasi's voice and that of the Karate Kid. Well, it just so happened that the Karate Kid was on TV that night, and, Good Lord, they even look alike!

While we're on the subject of Taurasi being ugly, maybe you've seen the new WNBA commercials. In Taurasi's first WNBA game, she'll be returning to Connecticut to face former Lady Gopher Lindsay Whalen (now, imagine the rioting in Connecticut if Whalen's Gophers had beaten the Huskies in last year's big dance). So, for the commercial, they absolutely slather Taurasi in makeup in a weak attempt to make her not break the cameras. Then, they distort a picture of Whalen on draft day with her hair down - not the best look for her. Stupid ESPN....

You may have noticed that the last two paragraphs centered around women's basketball. Now, I'm not an official sportswriter, but apparently there's a rule that you can't be indifferent when it comes to women's basketball. You either have to hate it, like me or SI's Steve Rushin (aka Mr. Rebecca Lobo), or hate it like the Sports Guy or the guy from SportsPickle. Hey, if you don't like it, you could always just not write about it.

Now, a few places have recently published their lists of "50 Worst Songs Ever." The only problem? All of the songs were hits at one point! Now, did they ever think that maybe the non-hits never became popular for a reason? (By the way, "We Built This City" is a great song. Shut up.)

One of the songs on VH1's 50 worst was "We Didn't Start the Fire." Are you kidding me? This brings up another pet peeve - every time someone talks in a song, everyone thinks that they're "rapping." Billy Joel wasn't rapping in "We Didn't Start the Fire!" The old school jazz musicians weren't rapping when they gave a spoken introduction to their songs! Stop being tools!

Here's looking at you:

It's Cronk's best man Scott Howard, and the Braves' double trouble (as in 4 in one game) Adam LaRoche. (No, this was not just a cheap excuse to put up pictures of piccolos. Or to type in that tantalyzingly alluring alliteration.)

Now, I'm a big baseball guy and all, but I could never figure this one out. What's the official league that "Official League" baseballs are used in?

I read a sneak preview about the new Grand Theft Auto, titled GTA: San Andreas. Some highlights:
It's set in an immitation of three cities: Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Las Vegas. Each city is said to be the size of the entire Vice City map, and there's interesting characters awaiting you as you drive through the countryside to get to each city.
It's setting revolves around early '90s LA gangs, with appropriate music. That can only mean old school Snoop Dogg.
New vehicles will include ones "smaller than a motorbike" (a bicycle you pedal with the buttons) and "bigger than the prop plane."
If you eat junk food and don't exercise, you get fat. Then, all of the characters in the story call you a "fat bastard," until you hit the gym and start exercising. There's also a fully functional casino in Vegas. In the words of mini-Kanka, "sa-weet!"

Finally, I realize I've never done a mailbag. So, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to send them to kanka@kankasports.zzn.com.

Ellen’s LOOOOOVE Ranking Week 5

Top 25

1. Fr. Joyce – A perfect example of a cute old priest. He is cute, old, fired up about Jesus, Notre Dame, and sports. The world will be sad sad place without him.

2 The Pope – ok I know it is kinda weird that the #1 cute old priest of the world is number 2, but he did say that he didn’t like sports on Sundays.

3. Eli Manning – No I’m not jumping on the bandwagon because he is a Manning etc. . .I LOVE him for two crucial reasons 1. He secured the departure of Kerry Collins 2. He is the first decent QB the Giant’s have had in 12 years! Yes, that would be since the departure of Phil Simms. . .

4 Kanka – Yes, yes I had to drop Kanka, but that was his own fault. He would not admit, even after 2 chances, admit that he is in fact MY KANKA. . .STILL WAITING!!!!!

5 CHAD – I love him, He loves me, we both love Fins. . .

6 Luke Pettigout – best player on the Giants hands down. I think I freak him out a little when I stalk him at EVERY game I have gone to for the past 5 years saying things like “ I know I’m wearing a Strahan jersey but if they made a #77 jersey I would wear that.”

7. Phil Simms – Best damn QB in Giant’s history hands down (guess I like the phrase). I remember the day he came to a local supermarket and I got my picture taken sitting on his lap as if he was Santa. That day ranks up there with the day I sat in LT's car. . .didn’t find any drugs though. . .

8 Ryan Humphrey – this is a no-brainer. I had a shrine to him for 2 years. I would do him 40 ways to Sunday. . .wait… .did I say that? You know what. . YES I did and I stand by that!

9 Fr. Hesburgh – I would have loved to have put him ahead of the Pope this week since he LOOOVES sports, but I needed to have some sense of religious hierarchy. But he is sooooooooooo cute. He also dresses nice when he is not in priest clothes.

10. Dick Lynch – the most fired up ND alumni football player turned radio host who loves my dad and actually stalked me a bit at a Giant’s pregame brunch because he saw my monogram jacket. He shares many of the KankaNation views about football. He was once quoted saying, “Hey Edd (that’s my dad) we did good this weekend, huh?” It was a bye week. . .dah!

11 Nick Setta – grandma loved him, mommy loves him. . .it is a hereditary thing. He made me drive him back to Keenan once and to get on campus we pretended we just got married. It actually worked.

12. Tim Welsh – ***BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR** - the swim coach I wish I worked for. He is so fired up about everything. He loves Jesus and the Pope and anything that has to do with Notre Dame. He also pretends to be a cowboy and has a special ND western belt buckle. If Moose Kraus wasn’t already Mr. Notre Dame it would be Tim

13 Darrell – my favorite Coach Mattison boy. He gives the best hugs. I’m sooo proud that he was picked up by his dream team. The story in the paper about it moved me to tears.

14. Grandma – crazy grandma was my gimmick. She provided me with great stories for years. She will be missed. I think after the Bob Davie column (soon to be published) is over I may have to write one that shares her pearls of wisdom.

15. Don Mattingly – Although I LOOOVE Donny Baseball, he had to drop due to the Yankee’s poor performance in batting lately but they are finally looking up again. . .too bad I can’t say the same about the Mets.

16 Scalbrini – ok once again, the rest of the world has jumped on the “Who Ellen Loves Bandwagon”. I’m really starting to think that this site has more exposure than we thought. So the Nets did let him play more and look what happened. . SUPERSTAR! He defiantly looks Klondikian. .too bad he isn’t from Alaska, but he is from Washington State. . .that is pretty close

17. DJ – he is my little boy. I took care of him when he was a freshman. And his family is sooooo fired up about everything. Major plus – walk-on. Most recently he has been considered to be the front-runner for the kicking jobs for the 2004 season.

18. Coach Mattison – he was MY own football coach. Also, he is very cute. He wears is sweat pants a little too small though.

19 Lance Legree – a coach Mattison boy turned Giant who actually likes me stalking him.

20 Julius’s mom – EVERY week she would wait by the stadium when the players marched to the stadium and EVERY week she pulled Julius over and kissed him. I know she had to be fired up that he sons will be playing against each other this Thanksgiving. I’d love to be a fly on the wall there!

21 LT – my mom tried to get me to stop loving him after the drug stories came out but how could you not love the flat top and the lightning bolt earring?

22 Jesse Palmer – Next week should be a good one for him since he had the good enough sense of bringing his brother on the show.

23 Jessi – my better half. My stalking buddy. I don’t know where to begin


24 Not in Band, Now in Band Andy – So he actually listened to me and gave me a lot of reasons for putting him in the top 25. . . what a guy!

25 Chappy Chapman – the cute, fired up old owner of Smarty Jones. .too bad he is married.

Also Receiving Votes:

Dominic – why wouldn’t you love a man with such a cool name???

Adrienne – (Dave’s old roommate Danny’s girlfriend. Ok she doesn’t know it but we are in a fight. I actually had her raised this week because she was supposed to be moving here soon, but noooo she is going to go to Boston, to go to BC instead!!!!! I’m utterly depressed. . . .

Faine’s mom – how could you not love a woman that gave you permission to go up to “Jeffrey” and yell at him to stop talking to reporters and to come give him mamma love.


Coach Wooden – Sooo cute and sooo old. My kind of man!

JohnBradley – Temporally dropped down because I still have yet to find out if he was involved in last week’s Finnegan’s bust. I hope he had a repeat of being there and getting out like in last year’s Boat Club sinking.

John Byrer – how can you not want to hug him at all times???? It was hard to keep my composure during our history class together

F Bomb – he could very well be close to a male counter part for me. . .in the loud and inappropriateness categories at least

Andre the Giant – best wrestler ever. My kind of man. . Big and fat.

Yogi Berra - so cute, so old, so small. I ran into him (almost literally) in Barnes and Nobel. I really wanted to hug him.

Bernard Akatu – I love walk-ons! Especially ones with fun names.

Julius’s fired up uncle – every week he tried to give Bob Davie an American flag. So cute and also so fired up about American

Andy’s Hair – By Andy I mean Dave’s boss. He is sporting the biggest and baddest white guy ‘fro ever!

Fagan’s ass – (Dave’s friend from home)it is PERFECT. Squishy like I like it.

Bernard Muir – Best AD ever because he lets me hug him!

Vitale Klitchko – After winning the WBC heavyweight championship against a fat mess of an opponent . . .he called out Lennox Lewis to fight him in the rematch he had promised him . . .Lewis was standing just a few feet away

Bottom 10

1. Jeff Hostetler - Worst QB in Giant’s history that took Phil Simm’s job. Back stabber. He should have stayed in California with other football player back stabbers like OJ Simpson.
2. Kerry Collins – Ok Jeff Hostetler may be the worst QB in Giant’s history but this guy is the most overrated. He has one good game, the 2001 NFC championship, and people forget how inconsistent he is. People just need to look at the Snow Bowl when ND beat Penn State and they will remember. Thank God he is gone, FINALLY!
3. Bailey – ok this man made my life hell for a year and a half. I mean who calls a person at 6 am to make copies or something dumb like that. I’m still feeling the repercussions from it.
4. Dave – do I really need to explain? Mets? Republican?
5. Diana Taurasi – Her and her nose have to go! Once again another overrated athlete. Who cares that she was the #1 pick in the WNBA draft?? Also, I hate how she tries to be Miss Tough and cries all the time. Take a hint from Tom Hanks “There is no crying in baseball” Err. . .well you get my point.
6. Tom Coughlin – Ok I thought that I could deal with the Giant’s having a former BC coach especially since he is a follower of the Bill Parcells's coaching style, but this weekend proved me WRONG! With their second round pick (which I think was very important since they gave up their 3rd) the take an O lineman (which they DID need). But where is this lineman from?? Oh yeah BC! Ok so that bothered me for a while but I thought I would get over it. . .was I wrong! Turns out that this lineman from Backup College is that father of Coughlin’s illegitimate grandchild. . . good good. . .

7. The Writers/Director or Troy – Ok I don’t think that any of the people associated with this film ever read Homer, Virgil, any Greek plays, or any mythology. I mean the inaccuracies were too many to mention. . .at least Brad Pitt was hot. . .

The Weekend in Review

Well, I was able to find a softball league to play in this summer. It's Tuesday/Thursday nights, so I'm moving the Weekend in Review up a day. For those curious, I'll be wearing #5 as the utilityman extrodinaire for Dave & Buster's of Westlake, OH.

Last Thursday night was the annual Lorain Sports Hall of Fame induction ceremony. My dad, the current treasurer and a past president (his one year term was '91), always has two tickets. His high school baseball coach and my high school history teacher (they are one in the same) was getting inducted, so I was able to get the second ticket.
Cocktail hour was fairly eventless. My dad did introduce me to Skip, an ND alum. He looked to be early 60s, but if he were any older, I would have sworn he was one of Leahy's Lads. Skip went for the Mike Brey look, with a mock turleneck, sport jacket, and a small Golden Dome lapel pin.
The guest speaker was Sharon Hargrove, wife of former Indians manager Mike. As I looked over the very distinguished past guest speakers, I thought it could have been better. But, with some of the names on the list (George Steinbrenner with PeeWee Reese and "Arthur B. Modell" twice), I realized it could have been worse (you may recall a previous column where I pointed out that Steinbrenner, a Rocky River native, owned Lorain's American Shipbuilding, before moving it to Tampa). Here are some of Mrs. Hargrove's better anecdotes:

• Mike and Sharon first met at a high school football game when he was in eigth grade and she was in seventh. Someone came up to Sharon and said, "Mike Hargrove wants you to sit next to him." Seeing that the boy next to him was cute, she obliged. So, she talked to him, and he watched football. She cheered with the cheerleaders, and he watched football. She chatted with her friends, and he watched football. Now forty odd years later, she says, things are still exactly the same.


• You all know this debate - soda or pop? Being from Texas, everything for the Hargroves was "coke." So, one day, Mike landed a Pepsi endorsement. There was a huge Pepsi display set up where he would sign autographs. Right when things were about to start, the Pepsi rep asked, "Mike, can I get you anything?" "Sure, I'll have a coke." Needless to say, he didn't keep that endorsement very long.

On to the highlights from the induction speaches:

• Lorain Catholic had three inductees - a female golf pioneer, a girl's baskeball standout, and my dad's coach, Mr. James Macholl. LC's fight song is a reworded version of tOSU's "Across the Field." However, someone in the control room thought it was "On Wisconsin." When "On Wisconsin" was played for the first LC grad, we thought nothing of it - not recognizing it at first, we figured it was Bowling Green (not a state)'s fight song, since BGSU was the woman's alma mater. But, after the second playing of "On Wisconsin", my dad had to do something. Next to our table was the LC Athletic Dept table. So, the girl right next to me was someone my dad and I knew from our chuch, who now taught math and coached girl's basketball. She poked me and pointed over my shoulder. "Your dad's upset!" I saw my dad squatting down next to the guy in charge of music, basically tying to tell the guy to get his head out of a certain crevice. They got the fight song right on the third try, but we'll have more on fight song snafus later. Now, the great thing about this math teacher being a family friend is that, since my sister is in her class, she always takes time to tell crazy stories about my family. Needless to say, this one lead off Friday morning's class. (Not so great about her being a family friend is the first day she student taught at LC, when she looked at me and my infamous cousin and told everyone how she remembered us when we were "this little."


• One of the inductees was a former mayor of Lorain who was a sandlot/minor league star. His whole family was there, including a grandson in a custom retro jersey of his semi-pro team. Now, where do you get that? But wait, that wasn't even the best part. This guy's speech gave him major recognition with the Crazy Old Man Hall of Fame committee. In his rambling speech he: 1. neglected to mention his wedding day when talking about the greatest days of his life (until his wife yelled at him), 2. thanked Sharon Hargrove about five times, and 3. took advantage of the fact that the night's chaplain was a female Protestant priest by telling the story that "being Catholic, I get dispensation, which means I don't have to kneel. You Methodists don't have that! It's called dispensation." Oh man, highlight of the night.


• Back to the fight song snafus. A high school football star who later went on to play at South Carolina and in the CFL was next. Instead of playing Admiral King High's "Anchors Aweigh," the DJ played rival Southview High's "When the Saints Go Marching In." Fortunately, he didn't think much of it, and he still gave a great speech. In it, he named his wife as his favorite quarterback (I'm guessing he doesn't drop the ball much), and called his dad up to the stage to pass his induction jacket, a blue blazer with the Lorain Sports HOF logo designed by my Great Uncle Frank on the left breast, to him.


• In case you were wondering, as a committee member, my dad gets a red blazer with the LSHOF logo. He also has to wear a tie with alternating red, white, and blue stripes. While he would look very fired up about America in this tie, my mom won't let him out of the house with it on.

On to the highlights of last week's SNL, for those of you who aren't total losers and go out on Saturday nights. The first skit featured Snoop Dogg pulling out the "CDs nuts!" joke. Classic! It can't get any better than this. Unfortunately, except for a few moments, it didn't get better than that (sure, his rap performance and Friends-inspired dancing was good). Now, since Snoop was the host, the musical guest just had to be someone you'd never associate with him ever. Sure enough, it was Avril Lavigne. You can't make this up. It's like the time Steinbrenner was on with that crappy hip hop group. The final highlight of the show came during the closing credits, as Snoop's posse shared high-fives and man-hugs with Avril's band, which was made of nerdy 19 year old punk wannabes. Hi-larious!

Well, assuming that slowpitch softball isn't that harmful to fat messes like me, I'll be back Wednesday with the Transaction Wire, etc. (Maybe if I don't promise to do the team stat pages, I'll actually get them done this time.)

Say what?

Ellen’s LOOOOOVE Ranking Week 5

Top 25

1. Fr. Joyce – A perfect example of a cute old priest. He is cute, old, fired up about Jesus, Notre Dame, and sports. The world will be sad sad place without him.

2 The Pope – ok I know it is kinda weird that the #1 cute old priest of the world is number 2, but he did say that he didn’t like sports on Sundays.

3. Eli Manning – No I’m not jumping on the bandwagon because he is a Manning etc. . .I LOVE him for two crucial reasons 1. He secured the departure of Kerry Collins 2. He is the first decent QB the Giant’s have had in 12 years! Yes, that would be since the departure of Phil Simms. . .

4 Kanka – Yes, yes I had to drop Kanka, but that was his own fault. He would not admit, even after 2 chances, admit that he is in fact MY KANKA. . .

5 CHAD – I love him, He loves me, we both love Fins. . .

6 Luke Pettigout – best player on the Giants hands down. I think I freak him out a little when I stalk him at EVERY game I have gone to for the past 5 years saying things like “ I know I’m wearing a Strahan jersey but if they made a #77 jersey I would wear that.”

7. Phil Simms – Best damn QB in Giant’s history hands down (guess I like the phrase). I remember the day he came to a local supermarket and I got my picture taken sitting on his lap as if he was Santa. That day ranks up there with the day I sat in LT's car. . .didn’t find any drugs though. . .

8 Ryan Humphrey – this is a no-brainer. I had a shrine to him for 2 years. I would do him 40 ways to Sunday. . .wait… .did I say that? You know what. . YES I did and I stand by that!

9 Fr. Hesburgh – I would have loved to have put him ahead of the Pope this week since he LOOOVES sports, but I needed to have some sense of religious hierarchy. But he is sooooooooooo cute. He also dresses nice when he is not in priest clothes.

10. Dick Lynch – the most fired up ND alumni football player turned radio host who loves my dad and actually stalked me a bit at a Giant’s pregame brunch because he saw my monogram jacket. He shares many of the KankaNation views about football. He was once quoted saying, “Hey Edd (that’s my dad) we did good this weekend, huh?” It was a bye week. . .dah!

11 Nick Setta – grandma loved him, mommy loves him. . .it is a hereditary thing. He made me drive him back to Keenan once and to get on campus we pretended we just got married. It actually worked.

12. Tim Welsh – ***BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR** - the swim coach I wish I worked for. He is so fired up about everything. He loves Jesus and the Pope and anything that has to do with Notre Dame. He also pretends to be a cowboy and has a special ND western belt buckle. If Moose Kraus wasn’t already Mr. Notre Dame it would be Tim

13 Darrell – my favorite Coach Mattison boy. He gives the best hugs. I’m sooo proud that he was picked up by his dream team. The story in the paper about it moved me to tears.

14. Grandma – crazy grandma was my gimmick. She provided me with great stories for years. She will be missed. I think after the Bob Davie column (soon to be published) is over I may have to write one that shares her pearls of wisdom.

15. Don Mattingly – Although I LOOOVE Donny Baseball, he had to drop due to the Yankee’s poor performance in batting lately but they are finally looking up again. . .too bad I can’t say the same about the Mets.

16. DJ – he is my little boy. I took care of him when he was a freshman. And his family is sooooo fired up about everything. Major plus – walk-on. Most recently he has been considered to be the front-runner for the kicking jobs for the 2004 season.

17. Coach Mattison – he was MY own football coach. Also, he is very cute. He wears is sweat pants a little too small though.

18 Lance Legree – a coach Mattison boy turned Giant who actually likes me stalking him.

19 Julius’s mom – EVERY week she would wait by the stadium when the players marched to the stadium and EVERY week she pulled Julius over and kissed him. I know she had to be fired up that he sons will be playing against each other this Thanksgiving. I’d love to be a fly on the wall there!

20 LT – my mom tried to get me to stop loving him after the drug stories came out but how could you not love the flat top and the lightning bolt earring?

21 Jesse Palmer – Although Jesse had great potential for rising to a high spot this week because he made mention of the spot at Giants Stadium where my Dad works and where I stalk him, but then promptly fell because he said no one waited for him after games when I most certainly do!

22 Jessi – my better half. My stalking buddy. I don’t know where to begin

23 Scalbrini – if the Net’s would let him play more, I’m sure they would beat the Pistons

24 Not in Band, Now in Band Andy – So he actually listened to me and gave me a lot of reasons for putting him in the top 25. . . what a guy!

25 Dominic – why wouldn’t you love a man with such a cool name???

Also Receiving Votes:

Adrienne – (Dave’s old roommate Danny’s girlfriend. Ok she doesn’t know it but we are in a fight. I actually had her raised this week because she was supposed to be moving here soon, but noooo she is going to go to Boston, to go to BC instead!!!!! I’m utterly depressed. . . .

Faine’s mom – how could you not love a woman that gave you permission to go up to “Jeffrey” and yell at him to stop talking to reporters and to come give him mamma love.


Coach Wooden – Sooo cute and sooo old. My kind of man!



JohnBradley – Temporally dropped down because I still have yet to find out if he was involved in last week’s Finnegan’s bust. I hope he had a repeat of being there and getting out like in last year’s Boat Club sinking.

John Byrer – how can you not want to hug him at all times???? It was hard to keep my composure during our history class together

F Bomb – he could very well be close to a male counter part for me. . .in the loud and inappropriateness categories at least

Andre the Giant – best wrestler ever. My kind of man. . Big and fat.

Yogi Berra - so cute, so old, so small. I ran into him (almost literally) in Barnes and Nobel. I really wanted to hug him.

Bernard Akatu – I love walk-ons! Especially ones with fun names.

Julius’s fired up uncle – every week he tried to give Bob Davie an American flag. So cute and also so fired up about American

Andy’s Hair – By Andy I mean Dave’s boss. He is sporting the biggest and baddest white guy ‘fro ever!

Fagan’s ass – (Dave’s friend from home)it is PERFECT. Squishy like I like it.

Bernard Muir – Best AD ever because he lets me hug him!

Vitale Klitchko – After winning the WBC heavyweight championship against a fat mess of an opponent . . .he called out Lennox Lewis to fight him in the rematch he had promised him . . .Lewis was standing just a few feet away

Bottom 10

1. Jeff Hostetler - Worst QB in Giant’s history that took Phil Simm’s job. Back stabber. He should have stayed in California with other football player back stabbers like OJ Simpson.
2. Kerry Collins – Ok Jeff Hostetler may be the worst QB in Giant’s history but this guy is the most overrated. He has one good game, the 2001 NFC championship, and people forget how inconsistent he is. People just need to look at the Snow Bowl when ND beat Penn State and they will remember. Thank God he is gone, FINALLY!
3. Bailey – ok this man made my life hell for a year and a half. I mean who calls a person at 6 am to make copies or something dumb like that. I’m still feeling the repercussions from it.
4. Dave – do I really need to explain? Mets? Republican?
5. Diana Taurasi – Her and her nose have to go! Once again another overrated athlete. Who cares that she was the #1 pick in the WNBA draft?? Also, I hate how she tries to be Miss Tough and cries all the time. Take a hint from Tom Hanks “There is no crying in baseball” Err. . .well you get my point.
6. Tom Coughlin – Ok I thought that I could deal with the Giant’s having a former BC coach especially since he is a follower of the Bill Parcells's coaching style, but this weekend proved me WRONG! With their second round pick (which I think was very important since they gave up their 3rd) the take an O lineman (which they DID need). But where is this lineman from?? Oh yeah BC! Ok so that bothered me for a while but I thought I would get over it. . .was I wrong! Turns out that this lineman from Backup College is that father of Coughlin’s illegitimate grandchild. . . good good. . .

The Weekend in Review

Leg 1 of the KankaNation Triple Crown Road Show is complete. We know Dave is going to the Belmont Stakes; I nominate Pete for the Preakness, since he's closest. Well, on to the weekend:
Friday afternoon, my buddy Matt and I embarked on our trek across the entire state of Ohio. Along for most of the trip was Matt's friend Ruben, on his way to graduation ceremonies in the Dayton area.
Things were fairly quiet until we reached the Columbus area. Columbus is very nice, I thought, but then I realized I'd never want to work their, lest I have Ohio State crammed down my throat at every available moment. This leg of the trip was sort of a pilgrimmage for me, as we passed through Dublin, a suburb of Columbus. Dublin, of course, is the home of two of ND's three favorite athletes named Quinn (Chris and Brady, with Colin being from elsewhere).
After a stop in Dayton, we headed down to Cincinnati. There, we passed the GE office that is the workplace of every single trombone aero major ever (or, at least the Garzas and Andy Sanders). There, we picked up a station covering the Reds pregame. They were interviewing a Kentucky Derby jockey from the area. When it was brought up that he had lost to Smarty Jones 4 times already, he replied, "well, every time you have horces in a race, anything can happen, and that's why they call it horseracing." Oh, so it's called horse racing because there are horses in a race? I never would have guessed. For the record, "and that's why they call it horse racing" is Matt and my new catchphrase.
As soon as we crossed the mighty Ohio River into Kentucky, we saw a water tower that read, "Florence Y'all." You can't make this up. Florence, of course, came before Big Bone Lick National Park.
For the record, there are approximately 12 Waffle Houses between Columbus and Lousiville (and 0 north of Columbus).
When we got to Louisville, we went straight to the Chow Wagon, down by the river (but not in a van). The Chow Wagon was just like every other summer festival, with booths of food and inflatable games for the kids. After enjoying a deep fried Twinkie (soooo good!), it started to rain. Everyone just sprinted under the bridge for cover. Matt and I just zipped up our coats, and for a second I felt like crowd control, as we walked back and forth in front of the bridge, with the whole crowd staring at us. C'mon, it's rain. Do you people not take showers in the morning? Isn't that the same thing?
After the Chow Wagon, we headed for our hotel south of Fort Knox - the Gold Vault Inn. In the parking lot, in front of the door, stood a tricked out Chevy Avalanche. After the perilous half hour journey around this giant SUTruck, we checked in. It was then that I realized that I had forgotten my entire toiletry bag - no glasses, no toothbrush, no nothing. So, it was off to WalMart (do they sell, like, wall stuff there?), where I got my needed supplies, and Matt picked up the largest container of green Hawaiian Punch you have ever seen. I mean, that thing's so big, he'll probably have enough left to take to next year's Kentucky Derby.
Watching TV Friday night, we saw the weather report. Louisville is in the Kentuckiana area (just as Cincinnati is in the Cincitucky area). The Louisville weatherman referred to the viewers in Indiana as being on "Slow Time." At a commercial break, I noticed a commercial that seemed familar. Sure, enough, "Duhnnn... If you've been injured in an accident, call the Becker Law Offices at 1-800-4-BECKER. That's 1-800-4-BECKER." It was the guy from the Keller & Keller commercials! And it was basically the same commercial, complete with the dramatic "Duhn" noise! That completely blew my mind, because all this time, I thought that guy was Mr. Keller.
Saturday morning, we wanted to stop by the Patton Museum. The museum is on the grounds of Ft Knox, so that means security check. The museum itself was closed, but we did notice it was featuring an exhibit on Elvis's army career. Yonto would have freaked out. (Yonto - if you still want to go - route 31 (the same 31 that runs next to ND) goes all the way down and through the Fort Knox area.)Next, it was off to the Louisville Slugger factory/museum. After we discovered that it is not located right next to Louisville Slugger Stadium (home of the Reds' AAA Louisville Bats), we decided to take the factory tour. That was a great experience, and it was another one of those things that gave me the itch to play again. We saw a few bats in boxes, destined to be shipped off to the Orioles - Sidney Ponson, David Segui, and a few others. Then, we saw a stack of half-finished Deivi Cruz bats. OK, so none of the bats will be used much, but it was still pretty cool. For taking the tour, you get an 18" Louisville Slugger bat (I've got your 18" bat right here), or, as I call it, my "knee whackin' stick." The tour guide mentioned creating your own personalized bat, so I had to check it out. I was hoping to be able to pick a 33/30 with such and such knob and such and such shape, etc., but I was disappointed. What they had was a selection of 4 different colors of bats, with the opportunity to add your signature or a personalized message to one. Oh well.
The museum featured some bats from last year's World Series. I was able to confirm my suspicion - Alfonso Soriano's bat is an absolute war club. 35 inches, 33 ounces, and a barrell like you would not believe. No, you sick bastards, I was not just describing Soriano's member. The museum also had one of those video pitch machines, where they showed a video of a pitcher winding up, then a ball came out of a hole in the screen where the pitcher's release point was. You stand behind the plate (and outside a screen) to watch, and I had several pitchers to choose from. Imagine my delight when I got to stare down a Charlie Nagy 90 mph fastball.
A note on the bats: if you have a contract with LS, you get your signature on your bats (otherwise, you get block letters). The first contract, with Babe Ruth, was for $100 and a set of golf clubs. That's still the contract today. You fill out a form and sign your name 6 or 7 times (Ken Griffey, Jr. considered signing as "The Kid" a few times, then scratched it out). They have a wall of all the signatures they've collected. So, I'm think it's a great honor to get a contract. Then, I look at the wall. They must get "future stars" in AAA, because a few of these guys didn't pan out. Included on that list is current Red Wily Mo Pena, who coincidentally signs his name in print like a 2nd grader.
Well, we figured, it was probably time to head off to the Derby. We stopped at the UofL to ask a student about a good place to park. He suggested parking near "Papa John's Cardinals Stadium." (Did he really just say "Papa John's Cardinals Stadium"? Does he get paid every time he says that?) Later we found out that Papa John's Cardinals Stadium is right across from McDonald's Field, where the baseball team plays. And you thought ND sold out.
So, we found a place to park, and were shuttled to Churchill Downs by a shuttle service that consisted of red vans and trucks with "Derby Shuttle" painted on the windows with white shoe polish. Security was tight - military police replaced the usual rent-a-cops, and everyone was patted down and/or wanded. We found our way inside Downs, and were immediately found by a Mint Julep vendor (they have about 30 walking around - it's great). Not wanting to break tradition, we ordered one.
Now, the infield at Churchill Down is somewhat divided. Matt had read that the area by the first turn was "subdued" compared to the rest of the infield, and he was right. It's like you cross a line of vendor booths, and you go from church picnic to New Orleans Mardi Gras. Good times.
The attire was mixed - many people in jeans, a few hoed out in Hearland-style clothing, and still many girls in traditional dresses and hats. I'm telling you, the way they dressed - Ellen would have fit right in. A few hats were good, too. One guy had a race track with music and moving horses on his head. I'm not sure whether or not you want to be that guy. You do however want to be the guy who fashioned a perfect cowboy had out of Miller Lite cases.
For those of you not familiar with the format (I wasn't), there are 12 races on Derby day, with the 10th race being the big one. Since the view wasn't great, we decided to wander around the concourse. While walking around, we heard many Dave Chapelle references. Sure, there were a few Rick James immitations, but every two minutes you'd hear, "What? What? Yea-uh! [not to be confused with yeah-yah] What? OK!" High comedy. Matt wanted to see the paddock, but it was a little difficult to find. Thinking he had found it, he blew right past Warren Moon like a man on a mission. I walked right by Moon and realized who he was, but by the time I had caught up to tell Matt, he was long gone. That was our only celebrity sighting of the day.
The big race started at 6, so we got in line to place our bets around 4. As soon as we got under the awning, the skies absolutely tore open - huge downpour. Not wanting to sound dumb, I places a 3 horse exacta box on Read the Footnote, Smarty Jones, and The Cliff's Edge (at that time, the favorite). Now, if any two of those horses finished 1-2, I won. Well, I'm stupid.
The rain turned Mardi Gras into Woodstock. We had seen a guy dressed like a ref earlier, complete with short black shorts and a whistle. Later, we saw him using that whistle to officiate a mud wrestling match. The big controversy this year was that, due to grandstand construction, they had added stands to the infield. Now, the regular people didn't like the fact the rich folk were invading their territory. With the rain and mud (and alcohol), someone decided to start chucking mud at the rich folk. Now, the Derby workers serving the rich folk though this was hilarious, setting themselves up as targets, and trying to duck out of the way. Well, the cops didn't think this was so great, and they cuffed a guy in a Wes Unseld throwback.
OK, it's race time. There was a video screen about halfway down the back stretch, across from the infield. So, we figured it was a good place to watch. We saw the whole thing on the screen, and for the entire 2 seconds that we could see it live, Read the Footnotes had pulled into third. Now I was into it. But, he faded away, and Smarty Jones was the winner. Now, the oddsmakers must have known something, because right before the race, Smarty Jones had the lowest odds (4-1), and Lionheart (finished second) had the second best odds at 5-1. Imperialism finished third. I knew I should have taken Smarty and Imperialism across the board (win, place, or show). Would've been a nice payday.
On our way out, we ran into some drunk ND class of '04 guys. I was wearing my football issue Fiesta Bowl jacket I got from Darrel, and my "cool when people don't know I got it for being a bando" adidas cap. Apparently, it was study days, so quite a few ND people were down for the weekend. I though I had seen Wally earlier...
On the way home, Matt made this vow: Some day, he'd be up in millionaire's row (the rich seats in the Churchill Downs grandstand) with his trophy wife, wearing a nice suit... and saying, "Programs! $4! Programs!" Other than that, the ride home was uneventful, so let's fast forward to Monday night's Indians-Red Sox game.

A friend of the family had tickets but could go, so we were handed 4 great seats - last two rows of the lower level, 3 and 4 seats away from being lined up with home, pitcher's mound, and second. Nice. My sister Becky took a friend, and I brought along Fired Up Todd. Now, we weren't expecting much with Curt Schilling pitching, but Jake Westbrook has been hot, so I had hope.
Todd loves to talk, so when he found out the father and son next to us were Indians/Browns/Buckeyes fans, he talked their ears off. Starting the game, it seemed like the Indians weren't working the count too much. Right, I remembered, Schilling doesn't walk too many guys, so he obviously doesn't throw too many balls. Vic Martinez realized this, and he jumped at a pitch out over the plate for a 2 run homer in the first. Manager Eric Wedge must have known something coming in, because Martinez was moved up to the 4 spot for this game, and responded by ending up a triple short of the cycle (on the flip side, Terry Francona must have known something, since .185 hitter Brian Daubauch had 3 hits out of the 5 hole.
Westbrook pitched another gem, but he couldn't last forever, since he's conditioned to be a middle reliever this year. Former closer David Riske came in for middle relief, and he caught no breaks. When things are going bad, you never get the close calls, and he walked two. So, in came new acquiree Rick White, who happens to wear the number 00 (well, it's not a single digit, so I guess it's OK). He gave up a double to score a run, and the way too many Red Sox fans started to cheer. This included a girl in a Johnny Damon jersey who flicked everyone off, and a very fat 20-something guy with a pinwheel Red Sox cap (like the Expos of the 70s, not a beanie), who raised his hat in the air whenever the Sox threatened. But, White shut down the Sox through 8, and we had a pitcher's duel on our hands. Rafael Betancourt, who had been struggling, made the 9th interesting, but got his second save of the year.

Other notes from the game:

• A few guys behind us kept calling Damon Hay-Zoos (Jesus) every time he stepped up to the plate.


• After Johnny Damon girl flicked everyone off, Todd went to the fake cough routine. "Ahem! High maintenance! High maintenance!"


• It turns out that Damon girl's boyfriend was an Indians fan. It also turns out, as Todd noticed, that the boyfriend bore a striking resemblance to the Lawrence brother from "Boy Meets World: The College Years."


• Manny Ramirez now has 3 outfield assists, mostly because he lollygags to the ball, then throws the batter out when he decides last minute to try for a double on the lazy Ramirez (as happened last night to Travis Hafner).

Transaction Wire tomorrow, maybe, but the main thing will be working on stats for the KankaMatic team pages.