Ellen’s LOOOOOVE Ranking Week 5

Top 25

1. Fr. Joyce – A perfect example of a cute old priest. He is cute, old, fired up about Jesus, Notre Dame, and sports. The world will be sad sad place without him.

2 The Pope – ok I know it is kinda weird that the #1 cute old priest of the world is number 2, but he did say that he didn’t like sports on Sundays.

3. Eli Manning – No I’m not jumping on the bandwagon because he is a Manning etc. . .I LOVE him for two crucial reasons 1. He secured the departure of Kerry Collins 2. He is the first decent QB the Giant’s have had in 12 years! Yes, that would be since the departure of Phil Simms. . .

4 Kanka – Yes, yes I had to drop Kanka, but that was his own fault. He would not admit, even after 2 chances, admit that he is in fact MY KANKA. . .STILL WAITING!!!!!

5 CHAD – I love him, He loves me, we both love Fins. . .

6 Luke Pettigout – best player on the Giants hands down. I think I freak him out a little when I stalk him at EVERY game I have gone to for the past 5 years saying things like “ I know I’m wearing a Strahan jersey but if they made a #77 jersey I would wear that.”

7. Phil Simms – Best damn QB in Giant’s history hands down (guess I like the phrase). I remember the day he came to a local supermarket and I got my picture taken sitting on his lap as if he was Santa. That day ranks up there with the day I sat in LT's car. . .didn’t find any drugs though. . .

8 Ryan Humphrey – this is a no-brainer. I had a shrine to him for 2 years. I would do him 40 ways to Sunday. . .wait… .did I say that? You know what. . YES I did and I stand by that!

9 Fr. Hesburgh – I would have loved to have put him ahead of the Pope this week since he LOOOVES sports, but I needed to have some sense of religious hierarchy. But he is sooooooooooo cute. He also dresses nice when he is not in priest clothes.

10. Dick Lynch – the most fired up ND alumni football player turned radio host who loves my dad and actually stalked me a bit at a Giant’s pregame brunch because he saw my monogram jacket. He shares many of the KankaNation views about football. He was once quoted saying, “Hey Edd (that’s my dad) we did good this weekend, huh?” It was a bye week. . .dah!

11 Nick Setta – grandma loved him, mommy loves him. . .it is a hereditary thing. He made me drive him back to Keenan once and to get on campus we pretended we just got married. It actually worked.

12. Tim Welsh – ***BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR** - the swim coach I wish I worked for. He is so fired up about everything. He loves Jesus and the Pope and anything that has to do with Notre Dame. He also pretends to be a cowboy and has a special ND western belt buckle. If Moose Kraus wasn’t already Mr. Notre Dame it would be Tim

13 Darrell – my favorite Coach Mattison boy. He gives the best hugs. I’m sooo proud that he was picked up by his dream team. The story in the paper about it moved me to tears.

14. Grandma – crazy grandma was my gimmick. She provided me with great stories for years. She will be missed. I think after the Bob Davie column (soon to be published) is over I may have to write one that shares her pearls of wisdom.

15. Don Mattingly – Although I LOOOVE Donny Baseball, he had to drop due to the Yankee’s poor performance in batting lately but they are finally looking up again. . .too bad I can’t say the same about the Mets.

16 Scalbrini – ok once again, the rest of the world has jumped on the “Who Ellen Loves Bandwagon”. I’m really starting to think that this site has more exposure than we thought. So the Nets did let him play more and look what happened. . SUPERSTAR! He defiantly looks Klondikian. .too bad he isn’t from Alaska, but he is from Washington State. . .that is pretty close

17. DJ – he is my little boy. I took care of him when he was a freshman. And his family is sooooo fired up about everything. Major plus – walk-on. Most recently he has been considered to be the front-runner for the kicking jobs for the 2004 season.

18. Coach Mattison – he was MY own football coach. Also, he is very cute. He wears is sweat pants a little too small though.

19 Lance Legree – a coach Mattison boy turned Giant who actually likes me stalking him.

20 Julius’s mom – EVERY week she would wait by the stadium when the players marched to the stadium and EVERY week she pulled Julius over and kissed him. I know she had to be fired up that he sons will be playing against each other this Thanksgiving. I’d love to be a fly on the wall there!

21 LT – my mom tried to get me to stop loving him after the drug stories came out but how could you not love the flat top and the lightning bolt earring?

22 Jesse Palmer – Next week should be a good one for him since he had the good enough sense of bringing his brother on the show.

23 Jessi – my better half. My stalking buddy. I don’t know where to begin


24 Not in Band, Now in Band Andy – So he actually listened to me and gave me a lot of reasons for putting him in the top 25. . . what a guy!

25 Chappy Chapman – the cute, fired up old owner of Smarty Jones. .too bad he is married.

Also Receiving Votes:

Dominic – why wouldn’t you love a man with such a cool name???

Adrienne – (Dave’s old roommate Danny’s girlfriend. Ok she doesn’t know it but we are in a fight. I actually had her raised this week because she was supposed to be moving here soon, but noooo she is going to go to Boston, to go to BC instead!!!!! I’m utterly depressed. . . .

Faine’s mom – how could you not love a woman that gave you permission to go up to “Jeffrey” and yell at him to stop talking to reporters and to come give him mamma love.


Coach Wooden – Sooo cute and sooo old. My kind of man!

JohnBradley – Temporally dropped down because I still have yet to find out if he was involved in last week’s Finnegan’s bust. I hope he had a repeat of being there and getting out like in last year’s Boat Club sinking.

John Byrer – how can you not want to hug him at all times???? It was hard to keep my composure during our history class together

F Bomb – he could very well be close to a male counter part for me. . .in the loud and inappropriateness categories at least

Andre the Giant – best wrestler ever. My kind of man. . Big and fat.

Yogi Berra - so cute, so old, so small. I ran into him (almost literally) in Barnes and Nobel. I really wanted to hug him.

Bernard Akatu – I love walk-ons! Especially ones with fun names.

Julius’s fired up uncle – every week he tried to give Bob Davie an American flag. So cute and also so fired up about American

Andy’s Hair – By Andy I mean Dave’s boss. He is sporting the biggest and baddest white guy ‘fro ever!

Fagan’s ass – (Dave’s friend from home)it is PERFECT. Squishy like I like it.

Bernard Muir – Best AD ever because he lets me hug him!

Vitale Klitchko – After winning the WBC heavyweight championship against a fat mess of an opponent . . .he called out Lennox Lewis to fight him in the rematch he had promised him . . .Lewis was standing just a few feet away

Bottom 10

1. Jeff Hostetler - Worst QB in Giant’s history that took Phil Simm’s job. Back stabber. He should have stayed in California with other football player back stabbers like OJ Simpson.
2. Kerry Collins – Ok Jeff Hostetler may be the worst QB in Giant’s history but this guy is the most overrated. He has one good game, the 2001 NFC championship, and people forget how inconsistent he is. People just need to look at the Snow Bowl when ND beat Penn State and they will remember. Thank God he is gone, FINALLY!
3. Bailey – ok this man made my life hell for a year and a half. I mean who calls a person at 6 am to make copies or something dumb like that. I’m still feeling the repercussions from it.
4. Dave – do I really need to explain? Mets? Republican?
5. Diana Taurasi – Her and her nose have to go! Once again another overrated athlete. Who cares that she was the #1 pick in the WNBA draft?? Also, I hate how she tries to be Miss Tough and cries all the time. Take a hint from Tom Hanks “There is no crying in baseball” Err. . .well you get my point.
6. Tom Coughlin – Ok I thought that I could deal with the Giant’s having a former BC coach especially since he is a follower of the Bill Parcells's coaching style, but this weekend proved me WRONG! With their second round pick (which I think was very important since they gave up their 3rd) the take an O lineman (which they DID need). But where is this lineman from?? Oh yeah BC! Ok so that bothered me for a while but I thought I would get over it. . .was I wrong! Turns out that this lineman from Backup College is that father of Coughlin’s illegitimate grandchild. . . good good. . .

7. The Writers/Director or Troy – Ok I don’t think that any of the people associated with this film ever read Homer, Virgil, any Greek plays, or any mythology. I mean the inaccuracies were too many to mention. . .at least Brad Pitt was hot. . .

The Weekend in Review

Well, I was able to find a softball league to play in this summer. It's Tuesday/Thursday nights, so I'm moving the Weekend in Review up a day. For those curious, I'll be wearing #5 as the utilityman extrodinaire for Dave & Buster's of Westlake, OH.

Last Thursday night was the annual Lorain Sports Hall of Fame induction ceremony. My dad, the current treasurer and a past president (his one year term was '91), always has two tickets. His high school baseball coach and my high school history teacher (they are one in the same) was getting inducted, so I was able to get the second ticket.
Cocktail hour was fairly eventless. My dad did introduce me to Skip, an ND alum. He looked to be early 60s, but if he were any older, I would have sworn he was one of Leahy's Lads. Skip went for the Mike Brey look, with a mock turleneck, sport jacket, and a small Golden Dome lapel pin.
The guest speaker was Sharon Hargrove, wife of former Indians manager Mike. As I looked over the very distinguished past guest speakers, I thought it could have been better. But, with some of the names on the list (George Steinbrenner with PeeWee Reese and "Arthur B. Modell" twice), I realized it could have been worse (you may recall a previous column where I pointed out that Steinbrenner, a Rocky River native, owned Lorain's American Shipbuilding, before moving it to Tampa). Here are some of Mrs. Hargrove's better anecdotes:

• Mike and Sharon first met at a high school football game when he was in eigth grade and she was in seventh. Someone came up to Sharon and said, "Mike Hargrove wants you to sit next to him." Seeing that the boy next to him was cute, she obliged. So, she talked to him, and he watched football. She cheered with the cheerleaders, and he watched football. She chatted with her friends, and he watched football. Now forty odd years later, she says, things are still exactly the same.


• You all know this debate - soda or pop? Being from Texas, everything for the Hargroves was "coke." So, one day, Mike landed a Pepsi endorsement. There was a huge Pepsi display set up where he would sign autographs. Right when things were about to start, the Pepsi rep asked, "Mike, can I get you anything?" "Sure, I'll have a coke." Needless to say, he didn't keep that endorsement very long.

On to the highlights from the induction speaches:

• Lorain Catholic had three inductees - a female golf pioneer, a girl's baskeball standout, and my dad's coach, Mr. James Macholl. LC's fight song is a reworded version of tOSU's "Across the Field." However, someone in the control room thought it was "On Wisconsin." When "On Wisconsin" was played for the first LC grad, we thought nothing of it - not recognizing it at first, we figured it was Bowling Green (not a state)'s fight song, since BGSU was the woman's alma mater. But, after the second playing of "On Wisconsin", my dad had to do something. Next to our table was the LC Athletic Dept table. So, the girl right next to me was someone my dad and I knew from our chuch, who now taught math and coached girl's basketball. She poked me and pointed over my shoulder. "Your dad's upset!" I saw my dad squatting down next to the guy in charge of music, basically tying to tell the guy to get his head out of a certain crevice. They got the fight song right on the third try, but we'll have more on fight song snafus later. Now, the great thing about this math teacher being a family friend is that, since my sister is in her class, she always takes time to tell crazy stories about my family. Needless to say, this one lead off Friday morning's class. (Not so great about her being a family friend is the first day she student taught at LC, when she looked at me and my infamous cousin and told everyone how she remembered us when we were "this little."


• One of the inductees was a former mayor of Lorain who was a sandlot/minor league star. His whole family was there, including a grandson in a custom retro jersey of his semi-pro team. Now, where do you get that? But wait, that wasn't even the best part. This guy's speech gave him major recognition with the Crazy Old Man Hall of Fame committee. In his rambling speech he: 1. neglected to mention his wedding day when talking about the greatest days of his life (until his wife yelled at him), 2. thanked Sharon Hargrove about five times, and 3. took advantage of the fact that the night's chaplain was a female Protestant priest by telling the story that "being Catholic, I get dispensation, which means I don't have to kneel. You Methodists don't have that! It's called dispensation." Oh man, highlight of the night.


• Back to the fight song snafus. A high school football star who later went on to play at South Carolina and in the CFL was next. Instead of playing Admiral King High's "Anchors Aweigh," the DJ played rival Southview High's "When the Saints Go Marching In." Fortunately, he didn't think much of it, and he still gave a great speech. In it, he named his wife as his favorite quarterback (I'm guessing he doesn't drop the ball much), and called his dad up to the stage to pass his induction jacket, a blue blazer with the Lorain Sports HOF logo designed by my Great Uncle Frank on the left breast, to him.


• In case you were wondering, as a committee member, my dad gets a red blazer with the LSHOF logo. He also has to wear a tie with alternating red, white, and blue stripes. While he would look very fired up about America in this tie, my mom won't let him out of the house with it on.

On to the highlights of last week's SNL, for those of you who aren't total losers and go out on Saturday nights. The first skit featured Snoop Dogg pulling out the "CDs nuts!" joke. Classic! It can't get any better than this. Unfortunately, except for a few moments, it didn't get better than that (sure, his rap performance and Friends-inspired dancing was good). Now, since Snoop was the host, the musical guest just had to be someone you'd never associate with him ever. Sure enough, it was Avril Lavigne. You can't make this up. It's like the time Steinbrenner was on with that crappy hip hop group. The final highlight of the show came during the closing credits, as Snoop's posse shared high-fives and man-hugs with Avril's band, which was made of nerdy 19 year old punk wannabes. Hi-larious!

Well, assuming that slowpitch softball isn't that harmful to fat messes like me, I'll be back Wednesday with the Transaction Wire, etc. (Maybe if I don't promise to do the team stat pages, I'll actually get them done this time.)

Say what?

Ellen’s LOOOOOVE Ranking Week 5

Top 25

1. Fr. Joyce – A perfect example of a cute old priest. He is cute, old, fired up about Jesus, Notre Dame, and sports. The world will be sad sad place without him.

2 The Pope – ok I know it is kinda weird that the #1 cute old priest of the world is number 2, but he did say that he didn’t like sports on Sundays.

3. Eli Manning – No I’m not jumping on the bandwagon because he is a Manning etc. . .I LOVE him for two crucial reasons 1. He secured the departure of Kerry Collins 2. He is the first decent QB the Giant’s have had in 12 years! Yes, that would be since the departure of Phil Simms. . .

4 Kanka – Yes, yes I had to drop Kanka, but that was his own fault. He would not admit, even after 2 chances, admit that he is in fact MY KANKA. . .

5 CHAD – I love him, He loves me, we both love Fins. . .

6 Luke Pettigout – best player on the Giants hands down. I think I freak him out a little when I stalk him at EVERY game I have gone to for the past 5 years saying things like “ I know I’m wearing a Strahan jersey but if they made a #77 jersey I would wear that.”

7. Phil Simms – Best damn QB in Giant’s history hands down (guess I like the phrase). I remember the day he came to a local supermarket and I got my picture taken sitting on his lap as if he was Santa. That day ranks up there with the day I sat in LT's car. . .didn’t find any drugs though. . .

8 Ryan Humphrey – this is a no-brainer. I had a shrine to him for 2 years. I would do him 40 ways to Sunday. . .wait… .did I say that? You know what. . YES I did and I stand by that!

9 Fr. Hesburgh – I would have loved to have put him ahead of the Pope this week since he LOOOVES sports, but I needed to have some sense of religious hierarchy. But he is sooooooooooo cute. He also dresses nice when he is not in priest clothes.

10. Dick Lynch – the most fired up ND alumni football player turned radio host who loves my dad and actually stalked me a bit at a Giant’s pregame brunch because he saw my monogram jacket. He shares many of the KankaNation views about football. He was once quoted saying, “Hey Edd (that’s my dad) we did good this weekend, huh?” It was a bye week. . .dah!

11 Nick Setta – grandma loved him, mommy loves him. . .it is a hereditary thing. He made me drive him back to Keenan once and to get on campus we pretended we just got married. It actually worked.

12. Tim Welsh – ***BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR** - the swim coach I wish I worked for. He is so fired up about everything. He loves Jesus and the Pope and anything that has to do with Notre Dame. He also pretends to be a cowboy and has a special ND western belt buckle. If Moose Kraus wasn’t already Mr. Notre Dame it would be Tim

13 Darrell – my favorite Coach Mattison boy. He gives the best hugs. I’m sooo proud that he was picked up by his dream team. The story in the paper about it moved me to tears.

14. Grandma – crazy grandma was my gimmick. She provided me with great stories for years. She will be missed. I think after the Bob Davie column (soon to be published) is over I may have to write one that shares her pearls of wisdom.

15. Don Mattingly – Although I LOOOVE Donny Baseball, he had to drop due to the Yankee’s poor performance in batting lately but they are finally looking up again. . .too bad I can’t say the same about the Mets.

16. DJ – he is my little boy. I took care of him when he was a freshman. And his family is sooooo fired up about everything. Major plus – walk-on. Most recently he has been considered to be the front-runner for the kicking jobs for the 2004 season.

17. Coach Mattison – he was MY own football coach. Also, he is very cute. He wears is sweat pants a little too small though.

18 Lance Legree – a coach Mattison boy turned Giant who actually likes me stalking him.

19 Julius’s mom – EVERY week she would wait by the stadium when the players marched to the stadium and EVERY week she pulled Julius over and kissed him. I know she had to be fired up that he sons will be playing against each other this Thanksgiving. I’d love to be a fly on the wall there!

20 LT – my mom tried to get me to stop loving him after the drug stories came out but how could you not love the flat top and the lightning bolt earring?

21 Jesse Palmer – Although Jesse had great potential for rising to a high spot this week because he made mention of the spot at Giants Stadium where my Dad works and where I stalk him, but then promptly fell because he said no one waited for him after games when I most certainly do!

22 Jessi – my better half. My stalking buddy. I don’t know where to begin

23 Scalbrini – if the Net’s would let him play more, I’m sure they would beat the Pistons

24 Not in Band, Now in Band Andy – So he actually listened to me and gave me a lot of reasons for putting him in the top 25. . . what a guy!

25 Dominic – why wouldn’t you love a man with such a cool name???

Also Receiving Votes:

Adrienne – (Dave’s old roommate Danny’s girlfriend. Ok she doesn’t know it but we are in a fight. I actually had her raised this week because she was supposed to be moving here soon, but noooo she is going to go to Boston, to go to BC instead!!!!! I’m utterly depressed. . . .

Faine’s mom – how could you not love a woman that gave you permission to go up to “Jeffrey” and yell at him to stop talking to reporters and to come give him mamma love.


Coach Wooden – Sooo cute and sooo old. My kind of man!



JohnBradley – Temporally dropped down because I still have yet to find out if he was involved in last week’s Finnegan’s bust. I hope he had a repeat of being there and getting out like in last year’s Boat Club sinking.

John Byrer – how can you not want to hug him at all times???? It was hard to keep my composure during our history class together

F Bomb – he could very well be close to a male counter part for me. . .in the loud and inappropriateness categories at least

Andre the Giant – best wrestler ever. My kind of man. . Big and fat.

Yogi Berra - so cute, so old, so small. I ran into him (almost literally) in Barnes and Nobel. I really wanted to hug him.

Bernard Akatu – I love walk-ons! Especially ones with fun names.

Julius’s fired up uncle – every week he tried to give Bob Davie an American flag. So cute and also so fired up about American

Andy’s Hair – By Andy I mean Dave’s boss. He is sporting the biggest and baddest white guy ‘fro ever!

Fagan’s ass – (Dave’s friend from home)it is PERFECT. Squishy like I like it.

Bernard Muir – Best AD ever because he lets me hug him!

Vitale Klitchko – After winning the WBC heavyweight championship against a fat mess of an opponent . . .he called out Lennox Lewis to fight him in the rematch he had promised him . . .Lewis was standing just a few feet away

Bottom 10

1. Jeff Hostetler - Worst QB in Giant’s history that took Phil Simm’s job. Back stabber. He should have stayed in California with other football player back stabbers like OJ Simpson.
2. Kerry Collins – Ok Jeff Hostetler may be the worst QB in Giant’s history but this guy is the most overrated. He has one good game, the 2001 NFC championship, and people forget how inconsistent he is. People just need to look at the Snow Bowl when ND beat Penn State and they will remember. Thank God he is gone, FINALLY!
3. Bailey – ok this man made my life hell for a year and a half. I mean who calls a person at 6 am to make copies or something dumb like that. I’m still feeling the repercussions from it.
4. Dave – do I really need to explain? Mets? Republican?
5. Diana Taurasi – Her and her nose have to go! Once again another overrated athlete. Who cares that she was the #1 pick in the WNBA draft?? Also, I hate how she tries to be Miss Tough and cries all the time. Take a hint from Tom Hanks “There is no crying in baseball” Err. . .well you get my point.
6. Tom Coughlin – Ok I thought that I could deal with the Giant’s having a former BC coach especially since he is a follower of the Bill Parcells's coaching style, but this weekend proved me WRONG! With their second round pick (which I think was very important since they gave up their 3rd) the take an O lineman (which they DID need). But where is this lineman from?? Oh yeah BC! Ok so that bothered me for a while but I thought I would get over it. . .was I wrong! Turns out that this lineman from Backup College is that father of Coughlin’s illegitimate grandchild. . . good good. . .

The Weekend in Review

Leg 1 of the KankaNation Triple Crown Road Show is complete. We know Dave is going to the Belmont Stakes; I nominate Pete for the Preakness, since he's closest. Well, on to the weekend:
Friday afternoon, my buddy Matt and I embarked on our trek across the entire state of Ohio. Along for most of the trip was Matt's friend Ruben, on his way to graduation ceremonies in the Dayton area.
Things were fairly quiet until we reached the Columbus area. Columbus is very nice, I thought, but then I realized I'd never want to work their, lest I have Ohio State crammed down my throat at every available moment. This leg of the trip was sort of a pilgrimmage for me, as we passed through Dublin, a suburb of Columbus. Dublin, of course, is the home of two of ND's three favorite athletes named Quinn (Chris and Brady, with Colin being from elsewhere).
After a stop in Dayton, we headed down to Cincinnati. There, we passed the GE office that is the workplace of every single trombone aero major ever (or, at least the Garzas and Andy Sanders). There, we picked up a station covering the Reds pregame. They were interviewing a Kentucky Derby jockey from the area. When it was brought up that he had lost to Smarty Jones 4 times already, he replied, "well, every time you have horces in a race, anything can happen, and that's why they call it horseracing." Oh, so it's called horse racing because there are horses in a race? I never would have guessed. For the record, "and that's why they call it horse racing" is Matt and my new catchphrase.
As soon as we crossed the mighty Ohio River into Kentucky, we saw a water tower that read, "Florence Y'all." You can't make this up. Florence, of course, came before Big Bone Lick National Park.
For the record, there are approximately 12 Waffle Houses between Columbus and Lousiville (and 0 north of Columbus).
When we got to Louisville, we went straight to the Chow Wagon, down by the river (but not in a van). The Chow Wagon was just like every other summer festival, with booths of food and inflatable games for the kids. After enjoying a deep fried Twinkie (soooo good!), it started to rain. Everyone just sprinted under the bridge for cover. Matt and I just zipped up our coats, and for a second I felt like crowd control, as we walked back and forth in front of the bridge, with the whole crowd staring at us. C'mon, it's rain. Do you people not take showers in the morning? Isn't that the same thing?
After the Chow Wagon, we headed for our hotel south of Fort Knox - the Gold Vault Inn. In the parking lot, in front of the door, stood a tricked out Chevy Avalanche. After the perilous half hour journey around this giant SUTruck, we checked in. It was then that I realized that I had forgotten my entire toiletry bag - no glasses, no toothbrush, no nothing. So, it was off to WalMart (do they sell, like, wall stuff there?), where I got my needed supplies, and Matt picked up the largest container of green Hawaiian Punch you have ever seen. I mean, that thing's so big, he'll probably have enough left to take to next year's Kentucky Derby.
Watching TV Friday night, we saw the weather report. Louisville is in the Kentuckiana area (just as Cincinnati is in the Cincitucky area). The Louisville weatherman referred to the viewers in Indiana as being on "Slow Time." At a commercial break, I noticed a commercial that seemed familar. Sure, enough, "Duhnnn... If you've been injured in an accident, call the Becker Law Offices at 1-800-4-BECKER. That's 1-800-4-BECKER." It was the guy from the Keller & Keller commercials! And it was basically the same commercial, complete with the dramatic "Duhn" noise! That completely blew my mind, because all this time, I thought that guy was Mr. Keller.
Saturday morning, we wanted to stop by the Patton Museum. The museum is on the grounds of Ft Knox, so that means security check. The museum itself was closed, but we did notice it was featuring an exhibit on Elvis's army career. Yonto would have freaked out. (Yonto - if you still want to go - route 31 (the same 31 that runs next to ND) goes all the way down and through the Fort Knox area.)Next, it was off to the Louisville Slugger factory/museum. After we discovered that it is not located right next to Louisville Slugger Stadium (home of the Reds' AAA Louisville Bats), we decided to take the factory tour. That was a great experience, and it was another one of those things that gave me the itch to play again. We saw a few bats in boxes, destined to be shipped off to the Orioles - Sidney Ponson, David Segui, and a few others. Then, we saw a stack of half-finished Deivi Cruz bats. OK, so none of the bats will be used much, but it was still pretty cool. For taking the tour, you get an 18" Louisville Slugger bat (I've got your 18" bat right here), or, as I call it, my "knee whackin' stick." The tour guide mentioned creating your own personalized bat, so I had to check it out. I was hoping to be able to pick a 33/30 with such and such knob and such and such shape, etc., but I was disappointed. What they had was a selection of 4 different colors of bats, with the opportunity to add your signature or a personalized message to one. Oh well.
The museum featured some bats from last year's World Series. I was able to confirm my suspicion - Alfonso Soriano's bat is an absolute war club. 35 inches, 33 ounces, and a barrell like you would not believe. No, you sick bastards, I was not just describing Soriano's member. The museum also had one of those video pitch machines, where they showed a video of a pitcher winding up, then a ball came out of a hole in the screen where the pitcher's release point was. You stand behind the plate (and outside a screen) to watch, and I had several pitchers to choose from. Imagine my delight when I got to stare down a Charlie Nagy 90 mph fastball.
A note on the bats: if you have a contract with LS, you get your signature on your bats (otherwise, you get block letters). The first contract, with Babe Ruth, was for $100 and a set of golf clubs. That's still the contract today. You fill out a form and sign your name 6 or 7 times (Ken Griffey, Jr. considered signing as "The Kid" a few times, then scratched it out). They have a wall of all the signatures they've collected. So, I'm think it's a great honor to get a contract. Then, I look at the wall. They must get "future stars" in AAA, because a few of these guys didn't pan out. Included on that list is current Red Wily Mo Pena, who coincidentally signs his name in print like a 2nd grader.
Well, we figured, it was probably time to head off to the Derby. We stopped at the UofL to ask a student about a good place to park. He suggested parking near "Papa John's Cardinals Stadium." (Did he really just say "Papa John's Cardinals Stadium"? Does he get paid every time he says that?) Later we found out that Papa John's Cardinals Stadium is right across from McDonald's Field, where the baseball team plays. And you thought ND sold out.
So, we found a place to park, and were shuttled to Churchill Downs by a shuttle service that consisted of red vans and trucks with "Derby Shuttle" painted on the windows with white shoe polish. Security was tight - military police replaced the usual rent-a-cops, and everyone was patted down and/or wanded. We found our way inside Downs, and were immediately found by a Mint Julep vendor (they have about 30 walking around - it's great). Not wanting to break tradition, we ordered one.
Now, the infield at Churchill Down is somewhat divided. Matt had read that the area by the first turn was "subdued" compared to the rest of the infield, and he was right. It's like you cross a line of vendor booths, and you go from church picnic to New Orleans Mardi Gras. Good times.
The attire was mixed - many people in jeans, a few hoed out in Hearland-style clothing, and still many girls in traditional dresses and hats. I'm telling you, the way they dressed - Ellen would have fit right in. A few hats were good, too. One guy had a race track with music and moving horses on his head. I'm not sure whether or not you want to be that guy. You do however want to be the guy who fashioned a perfect cowboy had out of Miller Lite cases.
For those of you not familiar with the format (I wasn't), there are 12 races on Derby day, with the 10th race being the big one. Since the view wasn't great, we decided to wander around the concourse. While walking around, we heard many Dave Chapelle references. Sure, there were a few Rick James immitations, but every two minutes you'd hear, "What? What? Yea-uh! [not to be confused with yeah-yah] What? OK!" High comedy. Matt wanted to see the paddock, but it was a little difficult to find. Thinking he had found it, he blew right past Warren Moon like a man on a mission. I walked right by Moon and realized who he was, but by the time I had caught up to tell Matt, he was long gone. That was our only celebrity sighting of the day.
The big race started at 6, so we got in line to place our bets around 4. As soon as we got under the awning, the skies absolutely tore open - huge downpour. Not wanting to sound dumb, I places a 3 horse exacta box on Read the Footnote, Smarty Jones, and The Cliff's Edge (at that time, the favorite). Now, if any two of those horses finished 1-2, I won. Well, I'm stupid.
The rain turned Mardi Gras into Woodstock. We had seen a guy dressed like a ref earlier, complete with short black shorts and a whistle. Later, we saw him using that whistle to officiate a mud wrestling match. The big controversy this year was that, due to grandstand construction, they had added stands to the infield. Now, the regular people didn't like the fact the rich folk were invading their territory. With the rain and mud (and alcohol), someone decided to start chucking mud at the rich folk. Now, the Derby workers serving the rich folk though this was hilarious, setting themselves up as targets, and trying to duck out of the way. Well, the cops didn't think this was so great, and they cuffed a guy in a Wes Unseld throwback.
OK, it's race time. There was a video screen about halfway down the back stretch, across from the infield. So, we figured it was a good place to watch. We saw the whole thing on the screen, and for the entire 2 seconds that we could see it live, Read the Footnotes had pulled into third. Now I was into it. But, he faded away, and Smarty Jones was the winner. Now, the oddsmakers must have known something, because right before the race, Smarty Jones had the lowest odds (4-1), and Lionheart (finished second) had the second best odds at 5-1. Imperialism finished third. I knew I should have taken Smarty and Imperialism across the board (win, place, or show). Would've been a nice payday.
On our way out, we ran into some drunk ND class of '04 guys. I was wearing my football issue Fiesta Bowl jacket I got from Darrel, and my "cool when people don't know I got it for being a bando" adidas cap. Apparently, it was study days, so quite a few ND people were down for the weekend. I though I had seen Wally earlier...
On the way home, Matt made this vow: Some day, he'd be up in millionaire's row (the rich seats in the Churchill Downs grandstand) with his trophy wife, wearing a nice suit... and saying, "Programs! $4! Programs!" Other than that, the ride home was uneventful, so let's fast forward to Monday night's Indians-Red Sox game.

A friend of the family had tickets but could go, so we were handed 4 great seats - last two rows of the lower level, 3 and 4 seats away from being lined up with home, pitcher's mound, and second. Nice. My sister Becky took a friend, and I brought along Fired Up Todd. Now, we weren't expecting much with Curt Schilling pitching, but Jake Westbrook has been hot, so I had hope.
Todd loves to talk, so when he found out the father and son next to us were Indians/Browns/Buckeyes fans, he talked their ears off. Starting the game, it seemed like the Indians weren't working the count too much. Right, I remembered, Schilling doesn't walk too many guys, so he obviously doesn't throw too many balls. Vic Martinez realized this, and he jumped at a pitch out over the plate for a 2 run homer in the first. Manager Eric Wedge must have known something coming in, because Martinez was moved up to the 4 spot for this game, and responded by ending up a triple short of the cycle (on the flip side, Terry Francona must have known something, since .185 hitter Brian Daubauch had 3 hits out of the 5 hole.
Westbrook pitched another gem, but he couldn't last forever, since he's conditioned to be a middle reliever this year. Former closer David Riske came in for middle relief, and he caught no breaks. When things are going bad, you never get the close calls, and he walked two. So, in came new acquiree Rick White, who happens to wear the number 00 (well, it's not a single digit, so I guess it's OK). He gave up a double to score a run, and the way too many Red Sox fans started to cheer. This included a girl in a Johnny Damon jersey who flicked everyone off, and a very fat 20-something guy with a pinwheel Red Sox cap (like the Expos of the 70s, not a beanie), who raised his hat in the air whenever the Sox threatened. But, White shut down the Sox through 8, and we had a pitcher's duel on our hands. Rafael Betancourt, who had been struggling, made the 9th interesting, but got his second save of the year.

Other notes from the game:

• A few guys behind us kept calling Damon Hay-Zoos (Jesus) every time he stepped up to the plate.


• After Johnny Damon girl flicked everyone off, Todd went to the fake cough routine. "Ahem! High maintenance! High maintenance!"


• It turns out that Damon girl's boyfriend was an Indians fan. It also turns out, as Todd noticed, that the boyfriend bore a striking resemblance to the Lawrence brother from "Boy Meets World: The College Years."


• Manny Ramirez now has 3 outfield assists, mostly because he lollygags to the ball, then throws the batter out when he decides last minute to try for a double on the lazy Ramirez (as happened last night to Travis Hafner).

Transaction Wire tomorrow, maybe, but the main thing will be working on stats for the KankaMatic team pages.

Dave's Weekend in Review

by Dave Schmitt - Special Guest Columnist

Finally, as promised, a review of last Saturday’s NFL Draft festivities. My dream is to actually go see the draft live at MSG, but since my buddy who works for the NFL doesn’t even know how to get tickets, that idea was put on hold. So anyway….as a season-ticket holder, Ellen’s dad gets a Giants newsletter every so often. In the most recent one, Ellen saw an ad for a Draft party at Giants Stadium. We thought it might be cool, so after debating if the $20 to get in was worth, we thought what the hell. Ellen’s dad was working at it, so there was definitely the potential of shady but amusing things happening.

We got there around 11:30, and walked up to the ticket window. As we’re about to buy tickets, 4 guys come up to us from behind and offer us 2 free. They said they were sent 8 tickets by accident, and so they gave 2 to us and 2 to the people behind us on line. Awesome, saved $200 Dave. They gave us a program on the way in, and it had the details of the day. Most of the activity took place in the “bubble,” an indoor practice facility next to the Stadium. They had people there from the sports radio station MCing the event, and they interviewed old players (Carl Banks, Harry Carson, Joe Morris, O.J. Anderson, etc.) throughout the day. The draft was shown on many big-screen TVs set up in the bubble, and they had tables and chairs throughout, plus food. It was amusing every time there was a lull in the action – the radio guy would ask the crowd who they wanted the Giants to pick, and he’d shout out names. Eli Manning actually got booed before the draft, figuring they’d give up too much to get him. Most of the crowd wanted Gallery. Also, much top-notch fashion was on display. And by “fashion,” I mean “trashy Jersey women with huge hair and Jeremy Shockey jersey-dresses.” Yes, they make football jersey dresses. I appreciated the families that had every member wearing Shockey jerseys. Way to be good models for the kids. Good, good.

We stayed in the bubble until after the trade excitement happened, and then checked out the other events. First, we hit the locker room tour. Ellen scared the crap out of every single person on line when she flipped out upon seeing Lance Legrees’ and Luke Petitgout’s lockers. Foaming-at-the-mouth crazy. She was excited that they had ND issue gear in their lockers, but that paled in comparison to the excitement of seeing that Luke’s locker has a special Phil Simms plaque above it. Talk about your double-whammy.

Next, we went out onto the field. It has field turf. That’s some weird shit. There were games for kids, and a pretty good cover band playing in one corner. They let you walk all over the field, toss a football, do whatever. I laid out on the grass and watched the draft on the jumbotrons. After a little while of hanging out on the field, Ellen’s dad called and told her that he was just informed Eli Manning was on his way over. So of course we had to stay and see what type of “face” he would make. I like Kanka’s description of his face after the Chargers picked him as the Brian Cashman “holy crap this is working out terribly for me” Face. Well done. Anyway, Eli came out, along with his posse consisting of Archie, Mom, some agent-looking guys, and (naturally) his smokin’-hot girlfriend. Peyton did not make the trip. The radio guy interviewed him in front of everyone, and he put on a Giants jersey for the first time. He was using a microphone, and you could still barely hear him. Very quiet guy. One funny moment occurred when the radio guy said, “since you’re now a Giant, you have an intense hatred for the Philadelphia Eagles, right?” Eli replied meekly, “Yes.” He also asked about the ‘Skins and Cowboys, and they got the same quiet response. A really fun day.




On the draft itself: I don’t fault the Giants for going after Manning. They weren’t too keen on signing Collins long-term, so you can’t pass up a guy who stands a great chance at becoming a top-flight quarterback (he’s a Manning, for God’s sake!) I think the Jets did well, getting Vilma, trading their 2 for Justin McCareins, a good young (I think) 2nd wideout from the Titans, and taking Oklahoma cornerback Derrick Strait (who some had as a 1st-rounder) in the 3rd round. I’m pumped about Julius going high 2nd-round. Everyone killed Parcells for going after the “sixth-rate” (for what that’s worth) tailback, but it looks like he knows what the rest of us know. Troy Hambrick sucks, so I think Julius will definitely be the main guy by his second year. Watson also went higher than expected, and that was good to see. He’s a good player, and a real gamer. I’m also happy for Glenn Earl, who I project will be real nice player. He’s a great hitter, and was involved in just about every big moment of the unfortunate Bob Davie Era.

Transaction Wire

Darrell Campbell will sign a deal with the Bears. This after the Broncos claimed he "decided to break the committment" with Denver. First, Denver knew about the injury. Then, they didn't and didn't want him. Then, after he gave up, they said they'd help him through it.
Ced Hilliard signs with the Cowboys.
Omar Jenkins signs with the Vikings.

Links of Interest

A KankaNation Ripoff?
Courtesy SportsPickle
SportsPickle also made another good point: How bad is Larry Cocker, that with 6 of the first 21 picks, Miami didn't win the championship every year? And how bad was tOSU, that with a record 14 players taken, they couldn't blow out anyone?

That's it for this week. Check back next week for a Kentucky Derby weekend in review.

The Weekend in Review

Random Thoughts from NFL Draft/NSS Bowling Tournament Weekend, in Pick-by-Pick, Frame-by-Frame Order

• We'll start with a random finding. Since we don't have ESPN Classic as a part of our digital cable package, I now have nothing to watch when my show's at a commercial and there's nothing else on. So, the other day, I started flipping through those 60 odd music-only channels that nobody ever watches. The very last channel is called "Old School Rap." I kid you not. I tune in, and they're playing a song by Biz Markie! (Believe it or not, he did make other songs besides "Just a Friend.") At the next commercial break, I flip over and they're playing "Brass Monkey!" Amazing.


• One more random comment: for work, Klondike made a Risk-like game. Yes, I said for work. (The game is awesome by the way, especially the battle cut-scene. My brother wasn't too impressed, but I am since I don't know how to do that.) The game requires the .NET Framework Distributable. (By the way, Klondike, the link you provided was out of date. Your game requires version 1.1.4.) So, I download the file, and it's abbreviated filename is "dotnetredist." Every time I glance at it, I see "do not resist," and think, Is Microsoft trying to tell me something?


• Friday night was hospitality night, which basically consisted of my family and maybe 10 other people crowded around the bar in the basement banquet room of the American Slovak Home.


• Saturday, 12:25 PM: Oh, crap, the draft started at 12! No, fortunately, ESPN was operating on FOX MLB playoffs time, so the first pick didn't come until 12:25 or so.


• And with the first pick... Eli sucks! Eli Sucks! I was waiting for the Peyton Manning Face, but I had to settle with the Brian Cashman Face. Oh well.


• And with the second pick... the Raiders select. Yep, he said "select," not "trade their pick to Cleveland." Son of a gun.


• The fourth pick goes to Phillip Rivers, and Mel Kiper now has a 92-88 lead over Chris Mortensen for most Bernie Kosar comparisons.


• My God King! That's Mike Ditka's music! Well, not quite, but the Giants did just give away quite a bit just to make Archie Manning happy.


• OK, maybe I should go cut the grass now. Fortunately, mini-Kanka's learning to take my place, so I was able to bring out a small radio while I "supervised."


• I was able to find a local radio station, WOBL 1320, that was carrying their own version of the draft (which basically consisted of one guy with a microphone on site in New York, and two or three other guys talking to him while watching it on a TV in the studio). Coincidentally, my fired-up friend Todd is a high school football sideline reporter for WOBL.


• By this point, the WOBL guys are basically accusing the Lions of extorsion for forcing the Browns to move up. And, they're not to surprised that the Browns are going for it.


• And with the sixth pick... half of the neighborhood is out mowing their lawns, and they all turn when they hear me yell, "IDIOTS!"


• Time for the NSS banquet, so I missed most of the second round. Here's the banquet highlights:


• The door prize drawing must have been rigged, since every single person at our table, except one, won something. My 86 year old grandpa won a golf umbrella, and my 86 year old grandma won a baseball cap. The baseball cap was promptly traded to me for a travel mug.


• My infamous cousin was one of the bartenders (good times). At the end of the night, there were two tables of card games still going. By this time, my cousin, our friend Brian, and I wanted to get going. My uncle had taken most of the hard alcohol home earlier, but there was still a mostly empty bottle of rum left. Not wanting to be caught with this in his car, my cousin hands the bottle, plus a can of Coke, to one of the card players. "Remember me when I run for National Director."


• The first place we hit was called the Red Clay, located on the mighty Vermillion River. The Red Clay's gimmick is the "shot ski," a wooden ski with five shotglass sized holes in it. The goal is to place a shot glass in each of the holes, then on the count of three, five people lift the ski and take a shot simultaneously. With the help of two friends we met there, we completed, and subsequently were able to sign, the shot ski.


• Our next stop was the local Scorcher's. There, my cousin ran into most of his former co-workers from the South Lorain branch of First Federal. The one woman's son was playing in the band that night, and she was very fired up about it.


• Also at Scorcher's were a few girls from my sister's class that we knew. They, shall we say, were testing the quality of their fake ID's. I'll not name names to protect the innocent. Still high comedy knowing that they'd probably been to this place more than I have.


• Random note: Brian is in his third year of Dental School at tOSU (they have a great dental school), and happens to be an aquaintance of one Phil Bomeli, my freshman RA, and a 4th year at tOSU Dental. Phil is originally from Solon (yes, Mike, the same Solon mentioned in "Moon Over Parma"), and we celebrated the Brown's first win in '99 together.
  
• Sunday morning, my dad pointed out that Julius was taken early second round. I also noticed Courtney Watson was taken late in the second round. Congratulations. These guys weren't supposed to be taken until the 3rd/4th/5th round, so maybe there was still hope for Darrell.


• Now it's time for the Doubles and Singles Tournament. Saturday was the Team Tournament, but I'm far too rusty for that. So, I teamed with my dad for 3 games of Doubles, followed by three more of singles.


• Being as I'm weak, and a fat mess, I can no longer use my grandpa's old ball, so I had to find an alley ball. I found a nice one named "Larry," and also picked up a nice pair of blue and purple rental shoes, with neon green eyelets.


• I did decent in my three doubles games (decent for me at least), but unfortunately, my dad played down to my level, and didn't beat me by much. I should mention here that we shared lanes with the NSS President, who is a good guy despite being a Steelers/Pitt fan.


• In the lanes next to us was a fired up old guy. Every time he thought he had a strike, he'd throw his arms out to the side. Then, in one motion, he'd fling his arms across his body, and let his momentum spin him into a 180. Now facing away from the pins and towards his bowling mates, he'd do a little hop, and try to time his landing with the ball hitting the pins. Unfortunately, every time he did his little victory dance, he'd always leave one pin standing. Still high comedy.


• My singles performance wasn't that great. The women were bowling in the other wing of the building, so I couldn't use losing on purpose as an excuse. Oh well, it was a good first experience.


• I came home and checked NDNation for news on the Blue & Gold game. Here's my thoughts on that.


• Ty mentioned that he winced every time the players hit each other. Yes, you don't want anyone getting hurt (a la Gary Godsey), but if you were on the team, and you read this, wouldn't you tend to take it easy for the rest of spring? We want these guys playing hard.


• The Blue team beat the Gold 35-7. On closer inspection, the Blue team had 90% of the starters! Well, no wonder they won! How about first team offense against first team defense, to give them a challenge. Or, as suggested on NDNation, bring back the pickup game style from the Holtz Era, and see how the second team running back would do behind the first team line.


• I noticed that Rashon Powers-Neal (future husband of Nora Rose Cooper-Surma-Powers-Neal) put up some nice rushing stats. Nice, I thought, we're finally running with the fullback. It's about time. It turns out I was ahead of myself. Powers-Neal got his rushes in at tailback; he'll be switching between the two positions this year.


• Back to the draft. I was paying much more attention to the draft than ESPN2 was, so I pulled up an Internet ticker while watching the Indians game.


• The Browns take a DT in the 5th round. My heart dropped at this moment, now knowing that they wanted a DT, and also knowing that they wouldn't be picking any more.


• The Texans took Glenn Earl, who has been hampered by injuries. Maybe there's still hope for Darrell.


• Vontez Duff joins Earl in Houston, and Jim Molinaro is headed to Washington.


• What's this, the Giants have a compensatory pick late in the 7th round? Maybe Ellen's dream will come true... But, no.


• It's time for Mr. Irrelevant, and it's not Darrell. Son of a gun.


• Monday morning, I find out that the Broncos are interested in Darrell, and will put him on the IR until he's recovered. In fact, they called him around 2pm on Sunday, and said they would sign him if he went undrafted. Well, at least it's not Pittsburgh or Baltimore, I thought. He wanted to go to Chicago, but Denver made the best offer.


• Also on Monday, it was reported that Ced Hilliard signed with the Cowboys, his boyhood dream come true.


• Monday night I flipped over to Comedy Central's Bar Mitzvah Bash. The show ends with Snoop Dogg doing a fired-up rendition of "Gin and Juice." (Is it possible to sing "Gin and Juice" and not be fired up?) He ends with, "With my mind on my money and my money on my mind," and does the cheesy echo effect where he just says "mind mind mind mind..." over and over again. You can't make this up


• Now it's Tuesday morning. I see that the Vikings have extended an offer to Omar Jenkins. Nice, fundamentals do pay off.


• Next, I find out that Darrell had talked to the Broncos on Monday morning, and now all of a sudden, no one in Denver was aware of his injury. So, the Broncos are withdrawing their offer, despite the fact that their website his given him top billing on their list of undrafted free agents. So, Darrell's options are now Baltimore, Buffalo, Chicago, and Green Bay.


• Best of luck to Darrell. There's no way I'd by a Broncos jersey, but a Bears or Bills jersey I'd consider. I might buy a Packers jersey, too, but then again, Mike knows where I live.

Transaction Wire later this week, and I'll try to get the KankaMatic pages updates (hopefully I mean it this time).

Ellen’s LOOOOOVE Ranking Week 3

Top 25

1 Kanka – The man, the myth, the legend. How can he not be my #1? Cause when you are a Kankamaniac, you are a Kankamaniac 4 life!

2 The Pope – ok I know it is kinda weird that the #1 cute old priest of the world is number 2, but he did say that he didn’t like sports on Sundays.

3. Eli Manning – No I’m not jumping on the bandwagon because he is a Manning etc. . .I LOVE him for two crucial reasons 1. He secured the departure of Kerry Collins 2. He is the first decent QB the Giant’s have had in 12 years! Yes, that would be since the departure of Phil Simms. . .

4 CHAD – I love him, He loves me, we both love Fins. . .

5 Luke Pettigout – best player on the Giants hands down. I think I freak him out a little when I stalk him at EVERY game I have gone to for the past 5 years saying things like “ I know I’m wearing a Strahan jersey but if they made a #77 jersey I would wear that.”

6. Phil Simms – Best damn QB in Giant’s history hands down (guess I like the phrase). I remember the day he came to a local supermarket and I got my picture taken sitting on his lap as if he was Santa. That day ranks up there with the day I sat in LT's car. . .didn’t find any drugs though. . .

7 Ryan Humphrey – this is a no-brainer. I had a shrine to him for 2 years. I would do him 40 ways to Sunday. . .wait… .did I say that? You know what. . YES I did and I stand by that!


8 Fr. Hesburgh – I would have loved to have put him ahead of the Pope this week since he LOOOVES sports, but I needed to have some sense of religious hierarchy. But he is sooooooooooo cute. He also dresses nice when he is not in priest clothes.

9. Dick Lynch – the most fired up ND alumni football player turned radio host who loves my dad and actually stalked me a bit at a Giant’s pregame brunch because he saw my monogram jacket. He shares many of the KankaNation views about football. He was once quoted saying, “Hey Edd (that’s my dad) we did good this weekend, huh?” It was a bye week. . .dah!

10 Nick Setta – grandma loved him, mommy loves him. . .it is a hereditary thing. He made me drive him back to Keenan once and to get on campus we pretended we just got married. It actually worked.


11. Tim Welsh – ***BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR** - the swim coach I wish I worked for. He is so fired up about everything. He loves Jesus and the Pope and anything that has to do with Notre Dame. He also pretends to be a cowboy and has a special ND western belt buckle. If Moose Kraus wasn’t already Mr. Notre Dame it would be Tim

12. Grandma – crazy grandma was my gimmick. She provided me with great stories for years. She will be missed. I think after the Bob Davie column (soon to be published) is over I may have to write one that shares her pearls of wisdom.

13. Don Mattingly – Although I LOOOVE Donny Baseball, he had to drop due to the Yankee’s poor performance in batting lately.

14. DJ – he is my little boy. I took care of him when he was a freshman. And his family is sooooo fired up about everything. Major plus – walk-on. Most recently he has been considered to be the front-runner for the kicking jobs for the 2004 season.

15. Coach Mattison – he was MY own football coach. Also, he is very cute. He wears is sweat pants a little too small though.

16 Lance Legree – a coach Mattison boy turned Giant who actually likes me stalking him.

17 Julius’s mom – EVERY week she would wait by the stadium when the players marched to the stadium and EVERY week she pulled Julius over and kissed him. I know she had to be fired up that he sons will be playing against each other this Thanksgiving. I’d love to be a fly on the wall there!

18 LT – my mom tried to get me to stop loving him after the drug stories came out but how could you not love the flat top and the lightning bolt earring?

19 Darrell – my favorite Coach Mattison boy. He gives the best hugs. My love also goes out to him for being passed up this weekend. I still think he has a shot though.

20 Jesse Palmer – Although Jesse had great potential for rising to a high spot this week because he made mention of the spot at Giants Stadium where my Dad works and where I stalk him, but then promptly fell because he said no one waited for him after games when I most certainly do!

21 Jessi – my better half. My stalking buddy. I don’t know where to begin

22 Scalbrini – leading the Nets to playoff victory after playoff victory. . .

23 Not in Band, Now in Band Andy – So he actually listened to me and gave me a lot of reasons for putting him in the top 25. . . what a guy!

24 Dominic – why wouldn’t you love a man with such a cool name???

25 Adrienne – (Dave’s old roommate Danny’s girlfriend) we are fired up about each other. We are fired up about Jessi. It is a great relationship

Also Receiving Votes:

Faine’s mom – how could you not love a woman that gave you permission to go up to “Jeffrey” and yell at him to stop talking to reporters and to come give him mamma love.


Coach Wooden – Sooo cute and sooo old. My kind of man!



JohnBradley – Temporally dropped down because I still have yet to find out if he was involved in last week’s Finnegan’s bust. I hope he had a repeat of being there and getting out like in last year’s Boat Club sinking.

John Byrer – how can you not want to hug him at all times???? It was hard to keep my composure during our history class together

F Bomb – he could very well be close to a male counter part for me. . .in the loud and inappropriateness categories at least

Andre the Giant – best wrestler ever. My kind of man. . Big and fat.

Yogi Berra - so cute, so old, so small. I ran into him (almost literally) in Barnes and Nobel. I really wanted to hug him.

Bernard Akatu – I love walk-ons! Especially ones with fun names.

Julius’s fired up uncle – every week he tried to give Bob Davie an American flag. So cute and also so fired up about American



Fagan’s ass – (Dave’s friend from home)it is PERFECT. Squishy like I like it.

Bernard Muir – Best AD ever because he lets me hug him!

Vitale Klitchko – After winning the WBC heavyweight championship against a fat mess of an opponent . . .he called out Lennox Lewis to fight him in the rematch he had promised him . . .Lewis was standing just a few feet away




Bottom 10

1. Jeff Hostetler - Worst QB in Giant’s history that took Phil Simm’s job. Back stabber. He should have stayed in California with other football player back stabbers like OJ Simpson.
2. Kerry Collins – Ok Jeff Hostetler may be the worst QB in Giant’s history but this guy is the most overrated. He has one good game, the 2001 NFC championship, and people forget how inconsistent he is. People just need to look at the Snow Bowl when ND beat Penn State and they will remember. Maybe Coughlin sees though this and that is why they are desperately trying to get the #1 draft pick so they can get Eli Manning.
3. Bailey – ok this man made my life hell for a year and a half. I mean who calls a person at 6 am to make copies or something dumb like that. I’m still feeling the repercussions from it.
4. Dave – do I really need to explain? Mets? Republican?
5. Diana Taurasi – Her and her nose have to go! Once again another overrated athlete. Who cares that she was the #1 pick in the WNBA draft?? Also, I hate how she tries to be Miss Tough and cries all the time. Take a hint from Tom Hanks “There is no crying in baseball” Err. . .well you get my point.
6. Tom Coughlin – Ok I thought that I could deal with the Giant’s having a former BC coach especially since he is a follower of the Bill Parcells's coaching style, but this weekend proved me WRONG! With their second round pick (which I think was very important since they gave up their 3rd) the take an O lineman (which they DID need). But where is this lineman from?? Oh yeah BC! Ok so that bothered me for a while but I thought I would get over it. . .was I wrong! Turns out that this lineman from Backup College is that father of Coughlin’s illegitimate grandchild. . . good good. . .

The Weekend in Review

Abbreviated Ramblings

• Congrats to ND baseball IF Zach Sisko. Sisko, filling in for injured 2B Steve Sollman had a go-ahead grand slam against Georgetown last Saturday, and followed with a 4-for-5 day in a win against Toledo Wednesday. I was there the year Sisko walked on to the team. He was good enough at the plate to get noticed, and his versatility as an infielder and outfielder (like me, only good) is what got him a roster spot. Four years later, he's making headlines.
  
• When I bought MVP Baseball 2004, the store signed me up for some kind of game magazine. This month's issue had the first previews of this fall's football games. They didn't say much about any of them, but there was one nice new feature in NCAA 2005. Playing in your rival's stadium has a "visible" effect on your team - if the crowd is loud enough, your receiver won't be able to hear the audible being called. The highlight of this issue, though, was the annoucement of Snoop Dogg Boxing (you can't make this up), coming soon to... cell phones. Dah. Well, this article may (I said may) make me want to get a cell phone (although I'm assuming the guy who wrote the article is not Joe McIntyre from NKOTB).


• Anybody want to put money on Miles Brand screwing up the Mike Williams thing and letting him play?


• Finally, at work yesterday, I got a call from a woman at one of the branch offices. She was trying to print on legal paper, only the printer didn't know which tray had legal in it. She told me, "It's saying, 'PC LOAD LEGAL,' but I don't know that that means." Trying hard not to bust out laughing right in front of the nice older lady that works in our department, I was able to resist asking, "so, what you're trying to say is, 'PC LOAD LEGAL?! What the f*ck does that mean?!'" Ah, too much Office Space for me.

Unfortunately, a busy week leads to a short column. KankaMatic stat update this weekend; I hope to have a KankaMatic calendar coming soon.

NSS regional meeting tonight (as opposed to the local meeting last night). Here's some articles to tide you over:

DJ, whom Ellen loves
Does this mean Cincinnati gets zero basketball scholarships?
Funky Whiteness
Another look at greatness (wonder if he's related to Kellen, Jr.?)
Jersey Dresses

NSS meeting tonight; back with ramblings/Transaction Wire tomorrow. I'll leave you with an ideal outcome of the Darrell Campbell situation that sums up my thoughts/ideas on all matters related:

Darrell sues the school, causing them to run out of funding for Loftus and shut it down. This causes all future football (and, less importantly, band) practices to take place outside on real grass. Excited about this development, Joe Yonto comes out of retirement and begins teaching football, Notre Dame style, at Fighting Irish practices.
Next, Darrell flies to Baltimore, where he proceeds to kick Art Modell, Brian Billick, and anyone named "Lewis" squar in the nyuts.
Butch Davis, taking a break from wondering how "great" it would be to draft Kellen Winslow, looks up and sees that Darrell now hates Baltimore. Finally getting a clue about what Cleveland Browns football is, Davis decides that "The Guy Who Kicked the Ravens Squar in the Nyuts," as Darrell is now called, would be a good addition to this Cleveland Browns team.
Davis checks the rules, and discovers that NFL defensive linemen don't all have to be overpaid underacheivers from Florida. So, Paul Tagliabue announces that with the 7th pick of round number 5, the Browns select Darrell Campbell, defensive tackle, Notre Dame. Kanka is first in line for a brown and orange #60 jersey, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Ellen’s LOOOOOVE Ranking Week 2

Top 25

1 Kanka – The man, the myth, the legend. How can he not be my #1? Cause when you are a Kankamaniac, you are a Kankamaniac 4 life!

2 The Pope – ok I know it is kinda weird that the #1 cute old priest of the world is number 2, but he did say that he didn’t like sports on Sundays.

3. CHAD – Chad was able to jump two spots due to his delivery of Timmy posters. Job well done!

4 Luke Pettigout – best player on the Giants hands down. I think I freak him out a little when I stalk him at EVERY game I have gone to for the past 5 years saying things like “ I know I’m wearing a Strahan jersey but if they made a #80 jersey I would wear that.”

5. Phil Simms – Best damn QB in Giant’s history hands down (guess I like the phrase). I remember the day he came to a local supermarket and I got my picture taken sitting on his lap as if he was Santa. That day ranks up there with the day I sat in LT's car. . .didn’t find any drugs though. . .

6. Ryan Humphrey – this is a no-brainer. I had a shrine to him for 2 years. I would do him 40 ways to Sunday. . .wait… .did I say that? You know what. . YES I did and I stand by that!


7. Fr. Hesburgh – I would have loved to have put him ahead of the Pope this week since he LOOOVES sports, but I needed to have some sense of religious hierarchy. But he is sooooooooooo cute. He also dresses nice when he is not in priest clothes.

8. Dick Lynch – the most fired up ND alumni football player turned radio host who loves my dad and actually stalked me a bit at a Giant’s pregame brunch because he saw my monogram jacket. He shares many of the KankaNation views about football. He was once quoted saying, “Hey Edd (that’s my dad) we did good this weekend, huh?” It was a bye week. . .dah!

9. Nick Setta – grandma loved him, mommy loves him. . .it is a hereditary thing. He made me drive him back to Keenan once and to get on campus we pretended we just got married. It actually worked.


10. Tim Welsh – ***BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR** - the swim coach I wish I worked for. He is so fired up about everything. He loves Jesus and the Pope and anything that has to do with Notre Dame. He also pretends to be a cowboy and has a special ND western belt buckle. If Moose Krause wasn’t already Mr. Notre Dame, it would be Tim

11. Grandma – crazy grandma was my gimmick. She provided me with great stories for years. She will be missed. I think after the Bob Davie column (soon to be published) is over I may have to write one that shares her pearls of wisdom.

12. Don Mattingly – Although I LOOOVE Donny Baseball, he had to drop due to the Yankee’s poor performance in batting lately.

13. DJ – he is my little boy. I took care of him when he was a freshman. And his family is sooooo fired up about everything. Major plus – walk-on. Most recently he has been considered to be the front-runner for the kicking jobs for the 2004 season.

14. Coach Mattison – he was MY own football coach. Also, he is very cute. He wears is sweat pants a little too small though.

15. Lance Legree – a coach Mattison boy turned Giant who actually likes me stalking him.

16 LT – my mom tried to get me to stop loving him after the drug stories came out but how could you not love the flat top and the lightning bolt earring?

17 Julius’s mom – EVERY week she would wait by the stadium when the players marched to the stadium and EVERY week she pulled Julius over and kissed him.

18 Darrell – my favorite Coach Mattison boy. He gives the best hugs.

19 Jesse Palmer – Although Jesse had great potential for rising to a high spot this week because he made mention of the spot at Giants Stadium where my Dad works and where I stalk him, but then promptly fell because he said no one waited for him after games when I most certainly do!

20 Jessi – my better half. My stalking buddy. I don’t know where to begin

21 Scalbrini – leading the Nets to another playoff victory. . .


22 Dominic – why wouldn’t you love a man with such a cool name???

23 Adrienne – (Dave’s old roommate Danny’s girlfriend) we are fired up about each other. We are fired up about Jessi. It is a great relationship

24 Faine’s mom – how could you not love a woman that gave you permission to go up to “Jeffrey” and yell at him to stop talking to reporters and to come give him mamma love.


25 Coach Wooden – Sooo cute and sooo old. My kind of man!

Also Receiving Votes:

JohnBradley – Temporally dropped down because I still have yet to find out if he was involved in last week’s Finnegan’s bust. I hope he had a repeat of being there and getting out like in last year’s Boat Club sinking.

John Byrer – how can you not want to hug him at all times???? It was hard to keep my composure during our history class together

F Bomb – he could very well be close to a male counter part for me. . .in the loud and inappropriateness categories at least

Andre the Giant – best wrestler ever. My kind of man. . Big and fat.

Yogi Berra - so cute, so old, so small. I ran into him (almost literally) in Barnes and Nobel. I really wanted to hug him.

Bernard Akatu – I love walk-ons! Especially ones with fun names.

Julius’s fired up uncle – every week he tried to give Bob Davie an American flag. So cute and also so fired up about American

Not in Band, Now in Band Andy – I’ll give him a few votes for wanting to be here but I’ll hold off from giving him a prime spot until he can give me a good reason why I should. (Andy, I’m not above being bribed)

Fagan’s ass – (Dave’s friend from home)it is PERFECT. Squishy like I like it.

Bernard Muir – Best AD ever because he lets me hug him!





Bottom 10

1. Jeff Hostetler - Worst QB in Giant’s history that took Phil Simm’s job. Back stabber. He should have stayed in California with other football player back stabbers like OJ Simpson.
2. Kerry Collins – Ok Jeff Hostetler may be the worst QB in Giant’s history but this guy is the most overrated. He has one good game, the 2001 NFC championship, and people forget how inconsistent he is. People just need to look at the Snow Bowl when ND beat Penn State and they will remember. Maybe Coughlin sees though this and that is why they are desperately trying to get the #1 draft pick so they can get Eli Manning.
3. Bailey – ok this man made my life hell for a year and a half. I mean who calls a person at 6 am to make copies or something dumb like that. I’m still feeling the repercussions from it.
4. Dave – do I really need to explain? Mets? Republican?
5. Diana Taurasi – Her and her nose have to go! Once again another overrated athlete. Who cares that she was the #1 pick in the WNBA draft?? Also, I hate how she tries to be Miss Tough and cries all the time. Take a hint from Tom Hanks “There is no crying in baseball” Err. . .well you get my point.

ND NFL Draft Preview

I created this in Excel, saved as a webpage, and then uploaded it onto the KankaMatic site. Mike, I see that it won't work for FireFox, so I'm guessing that it also won't work for Mozilla, sorry. I can email you a copy if you want.
Also, here's a disclaimer: I didn't know much about some teams (or, I knew less than some of you probably do), so I only made assumptions based on roster spots. So, if you don't agree with what I say, first, don't be surprised, second, post it on the message board.

And the ball said....

Money does not equal greatness.
Cribs do not equal greatness.
Balance does not equal greatness.
Fame does not equal greatness.
Endorsements do not equal greatness.
Winning does not equal greatness.
Only greatness equals greatness.
Only greatness equals greatness.
Only greatness equals greatness.

Are these staments valid? Is greatness the only thing that equals greatness? Is greatness even the ultimate goal? Let's find out.

We'll start with the main point: Only greatness equals greatness. Anybody who's ever paid attention in philosophy class (waaa?) can tell you the reason why A = A, why greatness equals greatness. But is greatness the only thing that equals greatness? Klondike would probably pull out a thesaurus an dlist off synonyms. But let's stick to the topics mentioned.
Money does not equal greatness. I'll agree with this. There is so much discussion of overpaid athletes, overpaid executives, overpaid... Heck, in the NBA, you get at least $1 million a year just for showing up. If all it took to get $18 million a year was to be the worst defensive shortstop in the AL (Derek Jeter) - well, I can do that easily.
Cribs do not equal greatness. This is closely linked to the money theorem. Cribs are posessions. No posessions, no horde of material goods, can ever equal greatness. Can't buy me love, and can't buy me greatness.
Balance does not equal greatness. Well, yes and no. You have to be well rounded to be great, but being well rounded does not mean you're great. Hank Aaron is the all time leader in home runs and RsBI, but Willie Mays gets all the "greatest ever" talk. Why? Mays is known for his flashy defense, while Aaron is only known for his hitting. Also in the "greatest ever" discussion is Babe Ruth, who of course started as a decent pitcher. This statement may just a "Carmelo, please don't be bitter about LeBron" statement. Carmelo is known as a pure scorer, but LeBron of course is known for his scoring and his "crazy court vision." (LeBron's defense is a story for another day, however.)
Fame does not equal greatness. Agreed. Media hype is a funny thing. You've got the supposed "coast biases," as well as hype bandwagoning. Last year's rookies of the year are a good example of this. Dontrelle Willis gained fame through his flashy leg kick, and Angel Berroa became the "I sound smart for picking him" pick because of his team's newfound success. Still not sure that fame does not equal greatness? Paris Hilton. Anna Nicole Smith. That Jeter guy.
Endorsements do not equal greatness. This goes along with the money and cribs arguments. I'll chalk this up to another "Please don't be bitter, Carmelo," and move on.
Winning does not equal greatness. Here's the important one. Derek Jeter is considered great because he's associated with a winning team. But wait, weren't Luis Sojo and Jim Leyritz also key parts of most of those championships? Don't they get to be great, too? Is team greatness even that important? Let's consult Mr. John Wooden. "A player that makes the team great is far more valuable than a great player." Ah, so the goal is team greatness. But does team greatness come from winning? Yes, according to Ty Willingham ("The goal is to win.") and Herm Edwards ("Hello! You play to win the game!").
So, there you have it. The goal for the individual is to contribute to team greatness, and team greatness is acheived by winning. Now, I know this didn't live up to the hype at all, but at least you now know why I never became an English major.

Here's Looking at You

It's current RBS Leader and loyal KankaNation reader Nick Yonto, left, and Minnesota utilityman Nick Punto. Oh, and by, "Here's Looking at You," I mean, "Here's a Guy Whose Name Always Makes Me Say, 'What? Yonto's Playing for the Twins Now?'"

Transaction Wire

Nothing happened. At all. Unless you're the Twins, or Banned substances, in which case half your team is on the DL.

I'm having trouble with the Windows side of my computer, so the KankaMatic team pages won't be updated for a while. The stat rankings on those pages are up to date, however. In lieu of this, I'll use the days to come to start taking a look at ND players in the draft.

Ellen’s Initial LOOOOOVE Ranking

Top 25

1 Kanka – The man, the myth, the legend. How can he not be my #1? Cause when you are a Kankamaniac, you are a Kankamaniac 4 life!

2 The Pope – ok I know it is kinda weird that the #1 cute old priest of the world is number 2, but he did say that he didn’t like sports on Sundays.

3. Phil Simms – Best damn QB in Giant’s history hands down (guess I like the phrase). I remember the day he came to a local supermarket and I got my picture taken sitting on his lap as if he was Santa. That day ranks up there with the day I sat in LT's car… didn’t find any drugs, though….

4. Ryan Humphrey – this is a no-brainer. I had a shrine to him for 2 years. I would do him 40 ways to Sunday… wait… did I say that? You know what… YES I did and I stand by that!

5. CHAD – I loooove him. He loooooves me. We loooooove Fins. ‘Nuf said

6. Fr. Hesburgh – I would have loved to have put him ahead of the Pope this week since he LOOOVES sports, but I needed to have some sense of religious hierarchy. But he is sooooooooooo cute. He also dresses nice when he is not in priest clothes.

7. Dick Lynch – the most fired up ND alumni football player turned radio host who loves my dad and actually stalked me a bit at a Giant’s pregame brunch because he saw my monogram jacket. He shares many of the KankaNation views about football. He was once quoted saying, “Hey Edd (that’s my dad) we did good this weekend, huh?” It was a bye week… dah!

8. (tie) Nick Setta – grandma loved him, mommy loves him… it is a hereditary thing. He made me drive him back to Keenan once and to get on campus we pretended we just got married. It actually worked.

8 (tie) Luke Pettigout – best player on the Giants hands down. I think I freak him out a little when I stalk him at EVERY game I have gone to for the past 5 years saying things like “ I know I’m wearing a Strahan jersey but if they made a #77 jersey I would wear that.”

9. Don Mattingly – Best Baseball player EVER! I have had a crush on him my whole life! Made the pimp stash what it is today.

10. Tim Welsh – ***BIG EAST COACH OF THE YEAR** - the swim coach I wish I worked for. He is so fired up about everything. He loves Jesus and the Pope and anything that has to do with Notre Dame. He also pretends to be a cowboy and has a special ND western belt buckle. If Moose Krause wasn’t already Mr. Notre Dame it would be Tim

11. Grandma – crazy grandma was my gimmick. She provided me with great stories for years. She will be missed. I think after the Bob Davie column (soon to be published) is over I may have to write one that shares her pearls of wisdom.

12. DJ – he is my little boy. I took care of him when he was a freshman. And his family is sooooo fired up about everything. Major plus – walk-on.

13 Coach Mattison – he was MY own football coach. Also, he is very cute. He wears is sweat pants a little too small though.

14. Jesse Palmer – ok I loved him PRE Bachelor. He was one of the Giants on my list that I stalked after the games. I loooved him before everyone else!

15. Lance Legree – a coach Mattison boy turned Giant who actually likes me stalking him.

16 LT – my mom tried to get me to stop loving him after the drug stories came out but how could you not love the flat top and the lightning bolt earring?

17 Julius’s mom – EVERY week she would wait by the stadium when the players marched to the stadium and EVERY week she pulled Julius over and kissed him.

18 Darrell – my favorite Coach Mattison boy. He gives the best hugs.

19 Jessi – my better half. My stalking buddy. I don’t know where to begin

20 Dominic – why wouldn’t you love a man with such a cool name???

21 Adrienne – (Dave’s old roommate Danny’s girlfriend) we are fired up about each other. We are fired up about Jessi. It is a great relationship

22 Faine’s mom – how could you not love a woman that gave you permission to go up to “Jeffrey” and yell at him to stop talking to reporters and to come give him mamma love.

23 Scalbrini – best player on the Nets. Reminds me of Klondike if he played basketball. According to my dad, TJ Kidd shares my love.

24 Coach Wooden – Sooo cute and sooo old. My kind of man!

25 John Bradley – So cool he only needs one name. I looove him. Turns up everywhere... even bando parties and swim parties on Sunday night. Also is one hell of a posse leader.

Also Receiving Votes:

Jon Byrer – how can you not want to hug him at all times???? It was hard to keep my composure during our history class together

F Bomb – he could very well be close to a male counter part for me… in the loud and inappropriateness categories at least

Andre the Giant – best wrestler ever. My kind of man. . Big and fat.

Yogi Berra - so cute, so old, so small. I ran into him (almost literally) in Barnes and Nobel. I really wanted to hug him.

Bernard Akatu – I love walk-ons! Especially ones with fun names.

Julius’s fired up uncle – every week he tried to give Bob Davie an American flag. So cute and also so fired up about America

Fagan’s ass – (Dave’s friend from home) it is PERFECT. Squishy like I like it.

Bernard Muir – Best AD ever because he lets me hug him!

Bottom 10

1. Jeff Hostetler - Worst QB in Giant’s history that took Phil Simm’s job. Back stabber. He should have stayed in California with other football player back stabbers like OJ Simpson.
2. Kerry Collins – Ok Jeff Hostetler may be the worst QB in Giant’s history but this guy is the most overrated. He has one good game, the 2001 NFC championship, and people forget how inconsistent he is. People just need to look at the Snow Bowl when ND beat Penn State and they will remember. Maybe Coughlin sees though this and that is why they are desperately trying to get the #1 draft pick so they can get Eli Manning.
3. Bailey – ok this man made my life hell for a year and a half. I mean who calls a person at 6 am to make copies or something dumb like that. I’m still feeling the repercussions from it.
4. Dave – do I really need to explain? Mets? Republican?
5. Diana Taurusi – Her and her nose have to go! Once again another overrated athlete. Also, I hate how she tries to be Miss Tough and cries all the time. Take a hint from Tom Hanks: “There is no crying in baseball.” Err... well you get my point.

The first KankaMatic scoring update it up. Everything is (or at least should be) accurate; I'll try to have the team pages updated some time this week. Until then, you can take a look at the batting and pitching stats used.

KankaMatic Update

The Weekend in Review

Random Thoughs from the last 7 Days (or so)

• Congrats to Candice Parker for winning the McDonald's HS All American dunk contest. Nice, but I'm much more impressed with the girl from last year's dunk contest (which has been shown on ESPN about 20 times in the past few weeks). The girl from last year (I can't recall her name) didn't get past the first round, but only because she couldn't complete either of her dunks. She had more than enough height, she just couldn't hold on to the ball with one hand. The difference between her and Parker? Parker is 6'4", this girl was 5'11". Hey, I'm 5'10", and I can't even come close to dunking (although I did have decent ups before I become a fat mess).


• Thoughts on the Minnesota "Lady Gophers": a great 1-2 punch in Lindsay Whalen and Janel McCarville, solid outside shooting, and no defense whatsoever. Whalen and McCarville are great, but they can't do everything. That semifinal game was tough to watch.


• I'm starting to get a little paranoid about the whole steroids thing. On opening day, I was wondering to myself if Jody Gerut's head looked a little bigger than it did last year. Hmm... and his chin looks a little squared, too.... AHHHH!!!!


• Mike, there's hope for the Cubs. Sports Illustrated never gets their preseason picks right in any sport, but by picking both UConn teams this year (moving their record to 2 for 975), they're on a roll and their prediction about the Cubs may just come true.
  

A new entry into the Pantheon of Losing: One of the Worst Non-Playoff Related 24 Hours Spans in Sports History

I didn't really watch the men's finals because it was baseball's opening day (or 1 of 4 opening days), so I wasn't to upset about that. But, it started when my fantasy ace (Roy Oswalt) blew a 4-1 lead on a Barry Bonds home run. Oh well, I thought. At least CC Sabathia was cruising against the Twins (the newest addition to the list of teams I hate). But wait, the bullpen decides to blow a 4-0 lead in a third of an inning. Now it's Tuesday, and the women's championship (UConn-Tennessee, woohoo!), the Cavs, and the Indians were all on at the same time. I avoided ESPN at all costs, because I knew the Lady Vols didn't have it this year, and I didn't want to vomit from all of ESPN's kissing up to Gino Auriemma and Diana Taurasi. So, I flipped between the Cavs and Indians until late in the fourth quarter of the Cavs game. Here's a sequence of events: the Cavs have been in a complete tailspin ever since PG Jeff McInnis got injured. He was back tonight, and it looked like the Cavs had the game in hand. Until McInnis rolled his ankle on a Raptor's foot with 3 minutes left in the game. Well, there goes the season, I thought. But, a few minutes later, "My God King! Is that Jeff McInnis's music?" McInnis was back, and it looked like all was not lost... With the game tied and 11 seconds left, LeBron went to the line - and made both free throws! Maybe the playoffs weren't out of reach. Well, then Jalen Rose (who never went to college) decided to sink a 3 with .4 seconds left. Great. At least the Indians were winning by 2 at this point... until closer David Riske puts one out over the plate for a game tying home run with 2 outs in the 9th. The Indians lose in 15, and I'm beginning to wonder if someone is trying to tell me to give up being a sports fan.
Of course, I could be in Iraq right now like a buddy of mine from High School, so I guess things aren't all that bad.

Transaction Wire

Indians trade Milton Bradley to the Dodgers for OF prospect Franklin Gutierrez and a PTBNL that is one of the Dodger's top 10 prospect. Cheers to Indians GM Mark Shapiro for believing that it takes talent and good character to make a good team. Gutierrez is a year or two away, but he should add some power to a lineup that really needs it.
Browns annouce that Carmen Policy will resign as team president effective May 1. Replacing him will be current NFL Senior Vice President of Marketing and Sales John Collins. Great, just like the ND band, the Cubs of the '90s, and allegedly ND football, yet another guy in charge who things "Who cares how good we are, as long as we're making as much money as possible." Marketing. Great.

Short column this week, but I'm still working on KankaMatic Baseball. Look for a few minor rule changes to come. Over the next few weeks, I'll start rolling out a few features from new columnists, so look for that.

Other Team that we played: 21
We Average 72 Inches: 15

Exclusive to KankaNation - by Andy Wolkiewicz

It was a good effort by We Average 72 Inches. They went up against a team of similar skill and effort. The boys were down 11-5 at the half, but switched to a 2-3 zone for the second half which proved much more effective. The strong defense led by Nick Yonto in the second half broke up numerous fast break chances for the other team. Unfortunately, the switch came too late for We Average 72 Inches.

There were two great highlights. Chris Orenchuck put up a pretty shot from the three-point arc that barely touched the net. Andy Wolkiewicz had a quality steal and converted the easy fast break.

Paul Epstein had lots of boards and 6 points. Andy Wolkiewicz had a strong outing with 4 points. Guard Nick Yonto was an excellent leader on the court and scored 2 points. Chris Orenchuk also had 2 and Dave Couling rounded out the scoring for We Average 72 Inches with 1 bucket.

One more note of interest:
During the game, one fan of We Average 72 Inches yelled out "Nice D." It was immediately responded to by Andy Wolkiewicz with a rousing "That's what SHE said," which was followed by a collective "Dah" by the memebers of We Average 72 Inches and looks of disgust and awe by their opposition.

---

Thanks to Andy for this report. I blatantly stole this from the message board in an attempt to continue my "guest columnist" articles. If you, loyal KankaNation reader, have an idea for a piece, please let me know.

Weekend in Review gets delayed a day - mini-Kanka's junior high play is Tuesday night.

KankaMatic Update

My entry into Page 2's Dream Job Competition

To go to the championship, would I...
Drive to San Antonio in my own "Rambling Wreck" of a hatchback? Sure.
Form tackle Eddie Sutton in full pads? Heck yeah.
Camp out with the Cameron Crazies? Where’s my sleeping bag?
Challenge Lindsey Whalen to a game of one-on-one? Whoops, wrong tournament.
Write 2,000 words explaining "what’s an 'Oka' for"? Nah, that joke's getting old.
Offer to ghostwrite for Bill Simmons, so he has more time to play "Madden"? Well, only if he’s a judge.
Enter this contest even though it’s an obvious April Fool’s joke? What have I to lose?

The Response

April Fool!
There is no Dream Job, we aren't sending anyone anywhere and we're not even mailing you a fleece pullover. But if your entry is funny enough, we may run it on Friday's page, so you have that going for you, which is nice.