Sunday, May 06, 2007

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

FSN Northwest will not renew a broadcast deal with the Portland Trail Blazers. The network has decided to move away from amateur athletics.

Speaking of amateur athletics, the Boston Celtics severed ties with guard Sebastian Telfair after he was arrested with a loaded gun in his car. Too bad - Telfair was the only shooter on the team.

Lenny Wilkens has been promoted from vice chairman to president of the Seattle SuperSonics. Apparently, he was the fifth caller. Congratulations, Lenny - that's the equivalent of being promoted from 1st mate to captain on the Titanic.

In baseball, Milwaukee Brewers manager Ned Yost broke his collarbone while jogging. Thousands of midwestern sports fans plan on using the incident as an excuse to work out even less. A Brewer collapsing. Wow - is it July already?

Deceased running back Damien Nash's brain has been donated to science. What a blow to Pacman Jones, who has been waiting for a brain for some time now.

Parry O'Brien, the 3-time Olympic shot putter who founded the spinning technique, died at age 75. His last words were, "UUUGGGHHHH!!!" His ashes were spread at sea, precisely 75.3 meters from the boat.

And a man in jail for the last 25 years became the nation's 200th inmate to be set free because of DNA evidence. Also this week, O.J. Simpson had a great round of golf.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit