Top Twelve Ways Work Could Benefit By Being More Like Professional Sports, In Ascending Order Of How Much I Want Them

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

#12: Trophies and Recognition. If I sell the most widgets in my industry, then by God I want a trophy with a little bronze man on the top holding a widget high for the world to see. And I want my name in the Widget Hall of Fame.

#11: Mascots. Everybody in the office will get a morale boost after watching Wally the Widget's wacky hijinks.

#10: Pads. And I'm not just talking shin-guards. I want body armor, like a baseball catcher or a hockey goalie or anything football. The possibilities are limitless.

#9: Stadium-style concessions. Hot dogs, beer, Dippin' Dots, Cracker Jacks, and so forth. I want vendors walking the hallways, shouting their wares and tossing them to us as needed.

#8: A penalty box, with associated infractions. Take the last cup of coffee without starting a new pot? That's a two-minute penalty. Cross-check the guy from marketing? That's another two-minute penalty.

#7: A diligent team of personal trainers and physical therapists. You'll never have another muscle cramp again.

#6: The instant replay rule, with multiple slow-motion angles and appropriate in-depth analysis:
"As you can see, Carol, I actually did submit my expense report before the deadline."

#5: Shady recruitment practices:
"Why yes, I will take that Hummer. Weekend in Vegas? No problem. One free pass on steroid use? How thoughtful."

#4: Trading cards. These would include appropriate statistics, position information, and action shots on the back. Free pink-flavored piece of balsa wood with every pack. Rookie and hologram cards would be very rare and sought after.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: Play-by-play analysis and color commentary by veterans of the business:
"It appears, Tom, that he's going with the green laser pointer for the second part of his presentation."
"That's an interesting gambit, Joe. I haven't seen this technique since the Widget Design and Analysis overview of '04."
"Right you are. Let's see how it plays out for him."

#1: Multi-million-dollar contracts.