Editor's Note: Looks like I had some catching up to do.
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Topps is producing insert cards that commemorate each one of Barry Bonds' career homers. If you put all 745 of them together, they're slightly smaller than the size of his head.
Speaking of big things, Tony Gwynn said he plans to enter the Hall of Fame like he batted: at around 330.
According to a new study, Yankee Stadium sells 30,000 hot dogs during each home game, and only half of them are to Jason Giambi.
Most of the players on the New York Mets shaved their heads. Nothing brings fans out to the park like a big group of skinheads with bats. In a related story, John Rocker is now a Mets fan.
The Brewers recently gave away two free tickets to any fan willing to undergo a free prostate exam. Management must be getting fans ready for what it will feel like when they collapse.
Update on the NHL playoffs: they're still happening. Yesterday, some team beat some other team. Even Canadians would rather watch baseball.
And the NBA has the highest ever percentage of minority executives in men's sports history. If you count Isiah Thomas as an executive.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Sammy Sosa is closing in on 600 home runs. To celebrate, he uncorked a new bat.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays played a three game series at Disney World in an attempt to increase their exposure in the Orlando area. Which makes sense, since they've always been a Mickey Mouse operation.
A recent survey of 464 Major League Baseball players named Barry Bonds the least friendly player in the game. On the positive side, it's the first time Bonds has won anything without cheating. And his approval ratings are still higher than George Bush.
The Phillies scheduled Danny DeVito to throw out a first pitch. It's the first time the mound dwarfs the man throwing off of it.
In football, Washington's Clinton Portis defended Michael Vick, saying dog fighting was not nearly as criminal as selling Redskins season tickets.
Another Cincinnati Bengal was arrested. Why should this night be different from all others?
Turning to basketball, Greg Oden wants to try out for the U.S. Olympic team this summer, assuming summer school ends in time.
Speaking of summer school, Phoenix Suns star Amare Stoudemire will take classes at Arizona State this summer. Unfortunately, the classes will not be in anger management.
And Michelle Wie is looking for another chance to make the PGA Tour. Unfortunately, her parents took away her Play Station.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Nashville Predators might be moving north now that they’ve been purchased by a Canadian businessman. It's uncertain as to whether anyone in Tennessee will actually notice. This is the biggest scam pulled on Nashville by a Canadian since Shania Twain's career.
Nike is resuming soccer ball production in Pakistan. Who better to make toys for five-year-olds than other five-year-olds?
Former NBA player Henry James has been sentenced to five years in jail after being caught dealing cocaine while his six young children were with him. Worst Bring Your Child to Work Day ever.
Memphis small forward Mike Miller is donating $1 million to help ill children. It's not as generous as you may think. Most of the children became ill after watching the Grizzlies play.
Gary Payton is leaning towards retirement. We’d prefer if he fell completely into it. Payton said he wants to spend more time at home trash talking with his children.
Dodger Stadium now has an all-you-can-eat section where fans can feast on Dodger Dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soda. The seats will attract both fat people in LA. And make the Dodgers more appealing to David Wells.
And Michael Vick is continuing to deny reports that he was at a dog fight. However, it was difficult to hear him over all of those dogs.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The University of Colorado has recently raised $125 million. The money will be used to bring the football program a higher caliber sexual assault victim.
FSN has reached an agreement to sublicense up to 10 college football games to Versus. The nation's fly fishing fans are furious. You remember Versus, don't you? It's the place where hockey went to die.
Detroit Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers is being accused of groping a stripper. Someone wants to get traded to Cincinnati.
Speaking of crime, the Sopranos series finale squashed Game Two of the NBA Finals. Viewers preferred to watch something they couldn't predict.
The Orlando Magic have signed Stan Van Gundy to coach the team. Billy Donovan applauded the club before changing his mind later on that day.
In golf news, 12-year-old Alexis Thompson qualified for the women's U.S. Open. Thompson now has as many Majors as Michelle Wie.
John Daly told authorities his wife Sherrie tried to stab him with a steak knife. Daly was thankfully able to defend himself easily while still finishing his t-bone. Thankfully Sherrie, like her husband, just missed the cut.
In other golf news, U.S. Open players are concerned about what many are calling golf's most perilous hazard: John Daly's wife.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Three-time boxing champion James Toney has tested positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when his head couldn't fit through the ropes.
USA Today reported that 48% of Americans have played organized basketball, and the rest have played for the Knicks. The paper also reported that 1% of French athletes 11-years-old and under have already used performance enhancing drugs. The others just drink wine like they're supposed to.
Enrique Iglesias just released a new album entitled "Insomniac." If you shared a bed with Anna Kournikova, you wouldn't want to sleep much either.
Dikembe Mutombo, Edgar Martinez and Kyle Petty were inducted to Boise, Idaho's World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Most overheard comment? "You've got a funny accent."
Speaking of humanitarians, Cavs forward Ira Newble recently met with 15 Darfur refugees living in Cleveland. That's the first time anyone has ever been excited to move to Cleveland.
Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was unable to practice after being shot in the groin with a paintball. Too bad he didn't get shot in a less sensitive part of his body, like his head.
The Yankees made history by signing two 19-year-old players from China's baseball association. It was mainly historical because the Yankees signed pitchers that weren't close to retirement. The Yankees were hoping to get another 38-year-old, but two 19-year-olds will do.
And speaking of young, Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes is in trouble again, this time for impregnating the 17-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. Dukes swears she looked 18 – which would make her the 18-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. And that's TOTALLY okay.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Jeff Gordon and his wife on their new daughter Ella. Ella will be sponsored by Dupont.
The NBA's Paul Pierce and Austin Powers star Verne Troyer got into an argument after Pierce addressed Troyer as "Mini Me." Luckily it was just a small argument, and ended shortly.
LeBron James has been appointed commissioner of The Bubblicious Ultimate Bubble Blowing League. Because no one knows more about having a bubble burst than LeBron James.
The NHL is hoping that new league wide uniforms will help boost interest in the sport. All five people watching on Versus will really appreciate the effort.
Many baseball fans are still talking about Sammy Sosa hitting his 600th career homerun. Enough already – put a cork in it. Congratulations Sammy – to think how many empty wine bottles that must have taken.
Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks suspects that two-time AL MVP Juan Gonzalez may have used steroids. Hicks also suspects that the earth may indeed orbit around the sun.
A monkey will throw out the ceremonial first pitch before an upcoming game at Fenway Park. She'll be the hairiest creature to take the mound in Boston since David Wells.
And a woman spent one million dollars on a conman pretending to be Pedro Martinez. The man was proven to be a fraud when it was discovered he could pitch.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Craig Biggio, who became the 27th major leaguer with 3,000 hits. And it only took him 3,000 seasons.
A group of New York Yankees went to visit injured Iraq war veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Because if there's anyone who knows about getting shelled, it's the New York Yankees.
Struggling Yankee reliever Scott Proctor tried to improve his fortunes by setting his equipment on fire. The Yankees are considering doing the same thing to Bobby Abreau.
In tennis, Roger Federer won his 50th straight match on grass. No one has played this well on grass since Ricky Williams.
The NFL has folded its European League after 16 years. Football fans in Estonia are crushed.
The Louisiana state legislature has voted to ban cockfighting. Looks like the Saints won't be playing the Falcons this year.
The Philadelphia Flyers have agreed to a $52 million contract with free agent forward Daniel Briere. To pay his salary, they'll be selling the franchise three times.
A couple in England gave their daughter 25 middle names, each the last name of a former boxing champion. It's the first time the birth certificate will weigh more than the baby itself. And the baby is already drooling and babbling like the best of them.
And Mike Tyson is livid that WBA Heavyweight champion Ryslan Chagaev is being called "the White Tyson" simply due to his similar physique. Chagaev apologized and promised that he'll also start eating babies.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Roger Federer, who tied Bjorn Borg's record of five straight Wimbledon titles without a personality.
The Knicks are currently trying to land troubled forward Ron Artest, because they're not already enough of a train wreck. Good thinking. Artest should really thrive in a quiet, sheltered environment like New York.
Kobe Bryant apologized to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak for his disparaging comments about the team. Great that they could sit down face to two-face.
Grant Hill has signed a two-year contract with the Suns. The contract will cost Phoenix $3.8 million in salary and $10 million in hospital bills.
Olympic leaders have voted to create a new Olympics for athletes aged 14-18. We have that already - it's called "the Olympics."
NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series and Red Horse team driver Aaron Fike was arrested on charges of possession of heroin. It's nice to see that NASCAR is finally trying to reach out to an urban audience. Red Horse Racing is considering changing its name to White Horse Racing.
Washington Nationals pitcher Jesus Colome has been admitted to a hospital with an infection to his right buttocks. The infection seems to stem from Colome getting it kicked too much.
And former major leaguer Jim Abbott has been inducted into the College Baseball Hall of Fame. I guess that's the sound of one hand clapping.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
In Nashville, DUI charges against former Titan QB Steve McNair have been dropped. Much like all the Titans passes.
The Carolina Panthers have signed Philippe Gardent, a former member of the French national bobsled team. Which is perfect in case the Panthers win it all, because Hell would have frozen over.
French long jumper Salim Sdiri was accidentally hit with a javelin at an athletics meet in Rome. Hey, hole in one!
In baseball, David Wells has been suspended seven games for arguing with an umpire. We're just happy Wells didn't eat him.
The New York Mets have designated 48-year-old infielder Julio Franco for assignment. To Shady Pines retirement home.
The Phillies became the first team in pro sports team to lose 10,000 games. Don't worry Raider fans, you've still got the only team to lose by 10,000 points.
Longtime major league umpire Shag Crawford has died at the age of 90. Dozens of managers assembled to kick dirt on his coffin.
Astros manager Phil Garner has said he's willing to use voodoo to get into the head of Cubs' right-hander Carlos Zambrano. Why bother? All Michael Barrett needed was his right fist.
Last weekend at the WNBA All-Star game, Nike donated $25,000 worth of merchandise to kids in DC. That's right - three pairs of shoes!
And NBA top pick Greg Oden will miss the next 3 weeks. Not because he's getting his tonsils removed, but because he's already fouled out.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
