Sunday, July 29, 2007

Top 9 Other Ways Title IX Could Have Been Implemented Vis-à-vis Sports, In Increasing Order Of Unlikeliness

Editor's Note: This is part of what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

Editor's Note #2: For the love of all that's holy, please don't send me any hate mail. If you need to, ask me and I can give you Klondike's email address, phone number, home address, and/or license plate number.

#9: All sports, being inherently inequitable, could be eliminated entirely.

#8: Men and women could be integrated into a single team.

#7: Schools could segregate into men-only and women-only institutions.

#6: We could all just smile and nod, pat Title IX on the head, then ignore it and go about our business.

#5: We could redefine "sports" to include things like shopping, child-care, nagging, and feminine hygene.

#4: We could redefine "men" to include things like women.

#3: Every male player in every sport could tie a female player to his leg, in the manner of a three-legged race.

#2: A lottery could be held in each school. All members of the losing sex would undergo sexual-reorientation surgery.

#1: We could devolve as a species back into single-celled, asexual bacteria, where concepts like "sports" and "gender equality" are meaningless.

All the best.