Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Thirteen Better Ways To Decide Who Kicks Off, In Increasing Order Of How Much Better They Are Than A Coin Toss

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

#13: Salary
Whichever team has the highest average salary per player gets the decision.

#12: Weight
Whichever team weighs the collective most wins.

#11: Phone-in Votes
Fans would phone in their votes for either team. The scoreboard would keep a tally. A judge with an English accent would make disparaging comments. The team with the most votes wins.

#10: Bingo
Every member of each team gets a bingo board. The home team would provide the old lady to pick the bingo balls. First player to get bingo wins the decision for his team.

#9: Tip Off
This would work pretty much exactly like basketball. The two quarterbacks would stand toe to toe, with the referee holding the ball in the middle. Ball goes up, one quarterback comes back down with it.

#8: Rock Paper Scissors
One member from each team would face off in this popular form of hand-to-hand combat. Best two out of three wins the decision.

#7: Puppy
Each team would line up on their own 45-yard-line. A puppy would be placed at center field. Whichever team can coax the puppy to their line gets the decision.

#6: Anchorman
Three members from each team stand in a line. The first player in each line is given a gallon-pitcher of beer. This player drinks as much as he can without stopping, and then hands the pitcher to the next player in his line. The next player drinks as much of the remainder as he can, then passes the pitcher to the last player, or "anchorman". This player must finish the pitcher. Whichever team finishes the pitcher first gets the decision.

#5: Whammy
The scoreboard would light up with a checkerboard pattern of squares. Some squares have footballs, some squares have whammies. Each quarterback would be given a buzzer, and would continue buzzing in until one of them gets a whammy. Bonus: squares can be filled with other prizes besides the football, such as a fondue set or a tennis bracelet.

#4: Simon Says
Every team member participates. The color commentator for the game would be the caller. The last player standing wins the decision.

#3: Cheerleaders
The decision would go to the team with the hottest cheerleaders.

#2: Fisticuffs
This would be a three-round duke-it-out. Since a knockout is unlikely with all those pads, the player with the highest score at the end would win the decision. Standard scoring rules used in boxing would apply.

#1: Break-Dance Contest
One member from each team would give us thirty seconds of his best moves. Each fan in the stadium would have one electronic vote. The team with the most votes wins.