The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The rivalry between the Brewers and Cubs is creating heated debate between fans in Wisconsin and Chicago. So much so, some were heard taunting, "Our subpar quarterback is not nearly as bad as yours."
Jorge Posada will have season-ending surgery. His arm is so weak, it's starting to resemble Isaiah Thomas' resume.
Nets center Nenad Krstic is trying to decide between playing in Russia or New Jersey. The choice is between playing in a socially backwards, culturally depraved wasteland and playing in Russia.
The Philadelphia Soul won the Arena Bowl. As if you didn’t already know the results of the Arena Bowl!
And Bills' running back Marshawn Lynch won't be punished by the NFL for his involvement in a hit-and-run accident. In the end, the league felt that spending six months in Buffalo was punishment enough.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
A 5.4 earthquake shook Los Angeles on Tuesday. The earthquake was so big, Kobe Bryant had it traded.
Brett Favre has filed for reinstatement. Favre plans to return to the NFL after completing summer classes at the Roger Clemens School of Retirement.
The Sacramento Kings have agreed to send Ron Artest to the Rockets for Bobby Jackson, Donte Greene and a first-round pick. The Kings wanted help at the guard position, and the Rockets wanted help being crazy.
And Tim Donaghy was sentenced to 15 months in prison, which is surprising, since the over/under was actually 20 months. On the positive side, Donaghy's referee uniform should provide him with the perfect camouflage for surviving behind bars.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
British basketball fans have bought up all the tickets for the London preseason match up between the Miami Heat and the New Jersey Nets three months before the game. American basketball fans are hoping the two teams stay there.
Shawn Kemp is on the verge of joining a professional team in Italy. Kemp is brushing up on his Italian by learning key phrases like 'restaurant', 'train station' and 'paternity suit'.
Beijing's air quality has shown drastic improvement. The air is now clear enough that we will be able to see the American athletes getting hosed.
And since 2002, 46 Penn State football players have been charged with 163 criminal complaints. The team has violated so many laws, Penn State will now change it's name to State Pen. The criminal athletes will also not be allowed into the NFL Draft, since they're all going to sign with the Bengals anyway.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Manny Ramirez says he plans on being a Dodger until he retires. Or complains and gets traded again, one of the two.
Roger Goodell has re-instated Brett Favre. The Packers' bench has re-instated Aaron Rodgers. Green Bay reportedly offered Brett Favre $25 million to stay retired. Favre refused the offer, because ESPN offered him $30 million to keep his never ending decision in the news. $25 million to stay retired might seem like a lot from the Packers, but $24 million of it was from Aaron Rodgers.
And Willie Randolph received extra loud applause at Yankee Stadium's Old Timer's Day. Ironically, Randolph was the only Old Timer young enough to hear it.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Brett Favre is being called a diva by many members of the press. And while some might think it's uncalled for, he is starring in the sequel to Glitter.
The US basketball team is backing off political speech while in China. Too bad. We bet that Tayshaun Prince and Carlos Boozer have so much insight into world affairs. In related news, the United States government will stop playing basketball.
Ron Artest's new contract with the Rockets is so lucrative, he can hire people to go into the stands and fight for him.
And Carolina Panther Steve Smith started a brawl with a teammate. The fight was so pointless, it's going to be featured in the next Rocky film.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Joba Chamberlain has suffered a shoulder injury. The Yankees are so beat up and hurt, they're starting to look like Mets fans.
The San Francisco Giants invited Barry Bonds to their celebration of their past outfielders. Unfortunately Bonds already had plans to attend a future outfielders celebration for the California Penal League.
David Ortiz said he heard a click in his wrist during an at bat. It was not his wrist – just the frustrated Red Sox nation changing the channel.
Turns out Brett Favre is returning in a quest to get a second ring. And then a third, to complete the three-ring circus.
And as the Olympic torch was run by earthquake victims in China, they stood and applauded. Witness said the applause was so loud, the ground shook.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Thousands of protesters are showing up for the Olympics in China. The U.S. Basketball team said seeing that many angry critics didn't faze them at all, because it is just like playing the Knicks.
Kansas City catcher Miguel Olivo was suspended for five games after brawling, but the punishment could have been much worse. He could have had to spend those five days playing for the Royals. The rest of the team plans on brawling shortly.
The Norweigans defeated the US women's soccer team. And allegedly, we’re supposed to care.
And Prince Fielder apologized for pushing teammate Manny Parra. Right before he ate him.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
New York Jets fans are welcoming Brett Favre by maintaining the cheese heads he’s used to. Not with with styrofoam swiss hats, but with big cheesy Bon Jovi hair.
Yao Ming will carry the Chinese flag during the opening ceremonies at the Olympics. The team is hoping that his height combined with the giant flag can shield them from some of the smog.
Gymnasts Morgan and Paul Hamm are now both out for the Olympics. There goes my gymnastics office pool.
And former University of Toledo basketball player Sammy Villegas has been charged with fixing games. Authorities became suspicious when he told his guidance counselor that we wanted to be an NBA ref. The University of Toledo basketball program is hoping to bounceback - to complete obscurity.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
While admitting that the 2008 season is over, Hank Steinbrenner predicted that the Yankees will win it all in 2009. He also predicted that he's crazy.
The Arizona Diamondbacks have acquired major league homerun leader Adam Dunn from the Cincinnati Reds for minor-league pitcher Dallas Buck. It's the most an American Buck has bought in years.
The U.S. won bronze in men's gymnastics. The only thing worse than finishing third is admitting you're a male gymnast.
And the U.S. Women's gymnastics team faltered down the stretch to lose the gold to China. It was so disappointing and ugly, Olympic officials subpoenaed Tonya Harding. The Chinese team is now looking forward to their next challenge - puberty.
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