Saturday, August 23, 2008

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Michael Phelps won an amazing eight gold medals. So if you have him on your fantasy swim team, you're still a loser with a fantasy swim team.

A Chinese news service has reported that gold medalist He Kexin is just 13, three years under the age of Olympic eligibility. It's hard to say what's more shameful: the fact that she could cost her country a medal or the fact that 20-year-olds have been hitting on her all week.

Georgia football is now ranked number one. How far they've come. Just last week, they were being invaded by the Russian army.

Brett Favre admitted that he feels a little fatigue. He must be tired of reading all the stories about Brett Favre.

And Olympic officials are distributing 100,000 condoms to athletes living in the Olympic Village. The condoms are just for the foreign athletes since most of the Chinese team members are still under the age of consent.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The Kansas City Royals plan to close off several seating sections for the remainder of the season as Kauffman Stadium continues to undergo renovations. That's too bad because those seats totally sell out.

Cincinnati is considering signing free-agent cornerback Ty Law. It's a surprising turn of events since the Bengals generally run away from the Law.

The Red Sox recently won a game 19-16. Wait, it was 19-17. 19-16 was the score of David Ortiz and Prince Fielder's hot dog eating contest.

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis says he's finished talking about the Irish's disastrous 2007 season. And this time next year, he'll be finished talking about the Irish's disastrous 2008 season.

And Falcons wide receiver Joe Horn said he wants to be traded or cut so badly that he has contemplated restructuring or forfeiting part of his $2.5 million salary. If the Falcons don't deal him soon, Horn will begin running dog fights.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Adam "Pacman" Jones sent a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking to be allowed to play this season. The letter took Jones a full week to write since he couldn't decide what color crayon to use. To get the league to read it, he signed it "Brett Favre."

Troubled forward Ron Artest has said that he's psyched about his opportunity with the Rockets. We can only hope he's referring to the team and not the assault weapons.

Major League Baseball could implement instant replay in a matter of days. Yankee fans look forward to watching their season implode over and over again.

And Barack Obama told reporters that he plans to go body surfing while in Hawaii. Meanwhile, John McCain told reporters that he plans to get out of the tub by himself.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Shawn Johnson won gold on the balance beam. Afterwards, Bob Costas stood on it to interview Johnson eye to eye.

Stephon Marbury plans to play in Milan next season. The veteran point guard can barely wait to be booed in a whole new language. But unfortunately for Marbury, wearing cheap shoes in Italy is a felony.

The Chicago Bears have announced that Rex Grossman backup Kyle Orton will be their starting quarterback. Orton got the job when coaches realized that Rex Grossman had a backup.

And Red Sox manager Terry Francona recently phoned New England's entry at the Little League World Series. It's uncertain whether he was calling to wish them luck or to find a fifth starter.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

A 13-year-old Mexican pitcher threw a perfect game at the Little League World Series just three minutes before being signed by the Yankees.

Texas Ranger Ian Kinsler is probably done for the year. So are the other 24.

Greg Maddux is adjusting well to being in Los Angeles. He's used to playing on shaky ground - he's been pitching for the Padres.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have unveiled a new set of uniforms that pay homage to the franchise's first jerseys by reading "Wolves" on the front instead of "Timberwolves." Given the team's current roster, it might be the only big "W" they see all season.

And Alex Rodriguez was spotted in two cities squiring two different women last week. Or as Steve Garvey called it, "a slow night".

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

he National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Boston Celtics guard Ray Allen is marrying the woman he's been dating for the last 12 years. It took her that long to forgive him for "He Got Game."

The Bengals are close to bringing back Chris Henry. In fact, they've already put up a down payment on his bail money.

The president of the Washington Mystics delivered a blistering assessment of her franchise, declaring that the team hasn't "moved one ounce" in its history. What a coincidence - that's exactly the measurement of how much we care about the Washington Mystics.

The White Sox overtook the Twins to get back in first place. Hopefully "first" the only F word Ozzie Guillen will use this week.

And a guest at Andre Agassi's annual benefit auction plunked down $60,000 for a private lesson with the former champ. Unfortunately for the guest, the lesson was in fashion.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit