The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Detroit Lions have signed head coach Jim Schwartz to a four-year deal, or 64 losses, whichever come first.
Pirates chairman Bob Nutting recently told reporters that an MLB salary cap would make Pittsburgh more competitive. Provided that salary cap is half a million dollars.
The Baltimore Orioles traded for Cubs prospect Felix Pie. The Orioles traded for Pie in an effort to land Prince Fielder.
New York is beginning to disassemble Shea Stadium. The stadium's structure has been weakened ever since the team imploded.
And the Yankees have announced they will wear a special patch on their uniforms commemorating the inaugural season at their new stadium. The design will feature an enormous dollar sign being flushed down a toilet.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Pittsburgh and Arizona will square off in Super Bowl LXIII. The only thing that's undecided is where most of America will be when they don't watch the game.
Free agent pitcher Paul Byrd has decided to sit out the first half of the 2009 season. Byrd wanted to spend time with his family, but apparently will be sick of them by July.
The New York Jets are expected to hire Ravens coordinator Rex Ryan as their head coach. And since this doesn't involve a murder he witnessed, Ray Lewis is available for comment.
Cubs chairman Crane Kenney has said the sale of the team should happen any day now. Then again, Cubs fans have also been saying the same thing about a World Series title for the last 101 years.
And Roger Clemens' former trainer Brian McNamee recently met with federal investigators in Washington for five hours. The session would have been much shorter, but they decided to do some ab work.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
NHL officials have put the Yankees' new stadium at the top of their wish list for the next Winter Classic. In addition to being brand new, league officials also like the fact the venue should be completely vacant by October 1st.
The home of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was ransacked last weekend before the NFC Championship Game. Of course it was being guarded by the Eagles' defense.
Stephon Marbury says he has a firm offer from at least one club. Unfortunately for him, it's a high school team in Tupelo.
New York Knick Jerome James will miss the rest of the season with a ruptured right Achilles' tendon. James was injured falling off the bench.
And Alonzo Mourning may return to the Miami Heat if he can get his body back in shape. If not, he'll go to the Knicks.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Detroit Pistons have lost five of their last six games. Looks like the city's auto makers aren't the only ones struggling to put together a good quarter.
NBA owners have reversed a longtime ban on serving hard liquor during live games, in an effort to make the Clippers more watchable.
NASCAR mainstay Michael Waltrip is considering retirement. He knew it was time when he was doing 40 on the left side of the track.
And a pair of Arizona Cardinals fans have been arrested for torching Donovan McNabb's lawn. The torching had nothing to do with football, that's just considered lawn care in Arizona. What a bad day for the Cardinals half of their fans got arrested.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Washington Wizards coach Ed Tapscott said Barack Obama has a standing invitation to stop by practice anytime he wants. And to play guard.
The Pittsburgh Steelers have announced they'll wear their white pants for Super Bowl XLIII. And because theyre in Florida, they also plan on hiking them up to their chests.
The Cleveland Browns have laid off 15 people in the past two days. Luckily they're all defensive players so no one should even notice.
The Brewers say they're close on a deal with Prince Fielder. Fielder was unavailable for comment, because there was still a buffet open somewhere.
And the City of Detroit has approved a $27 million plan to preserve Tiger Stadium. It's nice to hear that the Detroit Lions aren't the only useless relics the city is willing to support.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Longtime Utah owner Larry H. Miller has had his legs amputated six inches below the knee. And we thought the Jazz were looking shaky.
Jose Canseco and Danny Bonaduce fought to a draw in their highly-hyped three-round boxing match. The fight had no winner, but still managed to have two losers.
The soon-to-open NASCAR Hall of Fame will honor five inductees a year. Fans are thrilled - that's a new inductee every 6 months!
LeBron James dropped in 33 points against the Jazz. James scored so much, Utah made him an honorary Mormon.
And figure skater Ekaterina Rubleva accidentally exposed her nipple in front of thousands of fans during the European Figure Skating Championships in Helsinki. The mishap would have been even more embarrassing if any of the guys watching were straight.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The NBA could be headed towards a lockout in 2011. Luckily many of the players have a history of breaking and entering.
A Greek basketball team is looking to take on one of several NBA players including Stephon Marbury, Jamaal Tinsley, Jason Williams or Steve Francis. I'm sorry, did I say Greek basketball team? I meant Greek charity.
Sugar Shane Mosley regained the welterweight title over the weekend. He may be close to retiring, however, because after the fight, he called himself "Splenda" Shane Mosley.
And rumors say that the 49ers are angling to get Michael Vick once the QB comes out of prison. Mike Singletary has already been warned to keep his pants up. San Francisco - definitely a town where Vick won't have trouble finding a studded collar.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The New York Yankees have received an additional $259 million in public funding. The team is expected to use the money on half an outfielder.
Atlanta Hawks guard Acie Law has bet a friend $10,000 that the Dallas Cowboys will win next year's Super Bowl. Law will probably lose, but that's just because he's on the Hawks.
Bucks guard Michael Redd will miss the rest of the season with a torn ACL and MCL. In other words, Milwaukee is now SOL.
Veteran pitcher Brandon Lyon has agreed to a $4.25 million, one-year contract with the Detroit Tigers. Maybe a Detroit Lyon will finally win a game.
And Mark Gottfried has resigned as Alabama's basketball coach. In related news, Alabama's Jewish population has been cut in half.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
A recent poll encourages Shane Mosley to retire on top, after his destructive victory over Antonio Margarito. For non-boxing fans, "retire" is an industry term for "wait until I'm bored, and demand more money."
The Celtics will be without Brian Scalabrine indefinitely after he sustained his second concussion in three days. When reached for comment, Scalabrine said, "fire bad!"
Manny Ramirez remains unsigned. And ungroomed.
The Lingerie Bowl has been cancelled due to a conflict over the amount of nudity allowed in the event. On the positive side, football fans can still look forward to seeing the Arizona Cardinals thoroughly undressed.
And Ken Griffey, Jr. could return to play for the Mariners, saying he wants to be in familiar territory. Which we can only assume means last place, in an empty stadium.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Officials for the New York Mets said season ticket sales are doing well for the new ballpark. Especially popular are the new "first six innings" and "April through August" plans.
The Wisconsin Supreme Court has ruled that high school cheerleading is a contact sport. Although most of the contact is with a stripper pole 5 years later.
Aptly named former NBA player Corie Blount was recently busted with 11 pounds of marijuana. Or, as Ricky Williams calls it, a single serving.
Bobby Bowden has signed a one-year contract to coach a 34th season at Florida State. Bowden has been at the school so long he remembers when football players actually had to take their own exams.
And former NFL star Michael Strahan has been chosen to host the fourth season of Spike TV's "Pros vs. Joes." The show is not to be confused with "Pros vs. Hoes" which is a documentary about a Minnesota Vikings' boat cruise.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
