The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Pittsburgh Steelers barely beat the Arizona Cardinals, after collapsing like they were Pittsburgh's job market. The city is now on top of the sports world. And to remain there, they're selling the Pirates.
David Wells has fired back at Joe Torre, claiming the manager unfairly criticized his ex-players in his new book. Wells was livid after the book was read to him.
The Worcester Tornadoes have offered Manny Ramirez a two-year contract worth $24,000. Agent Scott Boras has advised him to hold out for $26,000.
And Michael Phelps acknowledged that a photo of him smoking pot is authentic. The good news is that he smoked it a half second faster than the French.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Cardinals are feeling plenty of heat after coughing up a lead with 35 seconds to go in Super Bowl XLIII. Thankfully in Arizona, it's a dry heat.
A Japanese sumo wrestler has been arrested for marijuana possession. Which, in sumo, is a performance enhancer.
Former Heavyweight Champion Ingemar Johansson has passed away at the age of 76. His death is particularly saddening for Evander Holyfield, who was hoping to fight him sometime next month.
Michael Irvin is producing a new reality TV show in which he'll give one guy off the street a spot on the Dallas Cowboys. The show is tentatively titled, "Pacman Jones."
And Terrell Owens has agreed to star in a VH-1 reality show loosely based on the network's previous hit, "Scott Baio Is 45 & Single." Owens' show will be titled, "Terrell Owens is 35 and Unbearable."
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Suns managing partner Robert Sarver has said he still believes his team can win the NBA championship. He also believes the Cardinals can still win the Super Bowl.
Lakers center Andrew Bynum will be out for 8-12 weeks with a knee injury. Kobe Bryant is upset, as he was really enjoying not passing to him.
A new report shows that baseball commissioner Bud Selig made more money than all but three baseball players in 2007. Wow, that's half a million dollars for every bad decision.
President Obama is sending a women's badminton team to Iran this week. It's less expensive than soldiers, and more offensive to the Iranian government.
And former Welterweight champion Antonio Margarito faces possible suspension after plaster was allegedly found in his gloves. John Daly will testify in Margarito's defense, since he's also been competing plastered.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Arizona Cardinals plan to donate thousands of Super Bowl "championship" T-shirts to poor families in El Salvador. Which will be easy, since that's where the shirts are made.
Comcast accidentally aired a 30 second porn clip during its broadcast of the Super Bowl and has offered customers who saw it $10 as an apology. Because if there's one thing that can make it okay that your seven-year-old just saw pornography, it's ten bucks.
The Cleveland Cavaliers are a perfect 23-0 at home. It's believed to be the first time that the words "Cleveland" and "perfect" have ever been uttered in the same sentence.
Paris Hilton was recently spotted making out with Barry Zito at a Hollywood hotspot. For those of you keeping score at home, Hilton has now worked her way through the entire alphabet.
And officials for AC Milan said that lawyers for David Beckham are negotiating with the LA Galaxy. They set up a meeting of lawyers when someone challenged them to schedule something more boring than American soccer.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The participants in the NBA's first officially sanctioned H-O-R-S-E competition will instead be spelling out G-E-I-C-O. Players are happy the event is not sponsored by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance.
The Continental Basketball Association has ended its regular season two months early due to a lack of funding. And we'll end this story right now, due to lack of interest.
Animal Planet is producing a new 12-part series that will take viewers into the lives of jockeys. Even though it's 12 parts, it's still a mini series.
Kelly Clark of the United States is the latest winner of the World Cup halfpipe event. The winner of the full pipe event was Michael Phelps.
And Kellogg has announced it will not renew its sponsorship deal with Michael Phelps. Fortunately he should have no problem picking up a deal from Honey Bunches of Hemp.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Cleveland Cavaliers finally lost a home game. Somehow, the Cleveland Indians have already lost one, too.
Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson will appear on "Dancing With the Stars." Meanwhile, Chinese gymnasts will appear on "Dora the Explorer."
The New York Mets are claiming they won't be hurt in any way by Bernie Madoff's web of deceit. Unfortunately, the team can't say the same thing about their bullpen.
Rotund outfielder Andruw Jones has signed a one-year contract with the Rangers. It's official - everything is bigger in Texas.
And the Atlanta Braves offered 42-year-old Tom Glavine a one-year contract. The Braves aren't particularly excited about resigning Glavine. They just wanted to see a baseball contract written in English.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Alex Rodriguez apologized for his steroid use, and expects fans to forgive him, especially hes never used any in October. By owning up to his past indiscretions, Rodriguez has shown he's smarter than Barry Bonds. Then again, a single celled amoeba nursing a hangover is also smarter than Barry Bonds.
The Dallas Cowboys have officially cut Pacman Jones. And they did it on a giant mirror with a huge razor blade.
The New York Rangers have expressed interest in Sean Avery. In related news, the rest of the NHL has expressed interest in Sean Avery's sloppy seconds.
And Minnesota Timberwolves center Al Jefferson is done for the season with a torn ACL. The rest of the team is done for the season because they're the Timberwolves.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Congress has no plan to hold a hearing with Alex Rodriguez. Or for doing anything else, for that matter. Rodriguez is relieved, as most Congressmen are a bit too young for his tastes.
Members of a Marijuana advocacy group have written a strongly worded letter to Kellogg after the company cut ties with Michael Phelps. Kellogg was able to quiet the group by replying, "Dave's not here, man."
Kobe Bryant became the youngest player in NBA history to reach the 23,000-point plateau in a game against the Oklahoma City Thunder. The record is a bit tainted, since 22,000 of those points came against the Thunder.
And Brett Favre says he is retiring yet again. Special thanks to Michael Phelps, Alex Rodriguez, and Kobe Bryant for preventing this from being news.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Michael Jordan says he knows he made some bad decisions. Because he read the paper in the 1990s.
The Chicago Bulls are currently shopping Andres Nocioni, Tyrus Thomas, Ben Gordon, Joakim Noah and Larry Hughes. The only Bull that appears to be safe is the team's mascot.
In the first round of NASCAR drug tests, all the drivers passed, but some pit crew members failed. In their defense, they thought it was just flaxseed motor oil.
A former girlfriend is suing Roberto Alomar, saying that the one-time slugger knowingly exposed her to HIV. Mets fans were shocked, as they thought only his batting average had a degenerative disease.
And organizers are beginning a World Bikini Football League with teams in ten different cities. The Detroit Lions are already 0-4.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
