The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Daryl Strawberry has just written his first book. He would have finished sooner but he was stuck on Chapter 11 for the better part of a decade.
PETA activists showed up at Madison Square Garden this week dressed in KKK outfits to protest the breeding practices of The American Kennel Club. MSG hasn't seen a display that offensive since the Knicks' last home game.
The Padres have traded former No. 1 pick Matt Bush to the Blue Jays following his third run-in with police. The Blue Jays plan to subsequently trade him to the Bengals.
Marv Albert recently turned 65. Albert is delighted that he can now get a senior citizen's discount on all of his lingerie.
And Tony Romo said that he's completely behind Jessica Simpson. Because she's now big enough to play center for the Dallas Cowboys.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Jamaica has named Usain Bolt its Sportsman of the Year. In related news, the island has also made Michael Phelps an honorary citizen.
Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant shared a single trophy after being named co-MVPs of the NBA All-Star Game. In related news, there is now peace in the Middle East.
San Diego Padres reliever Heath Bell has credited his Nintendo Wii Fit game for helping him lose 25 pounds. Andruw Jones has just ordered three of them.
The Lions plan to make Daunte Culpepper their starter in 2009. Were very excited to know which quarterback will be losing their games.
And the Atlanta Braves have added Tom Glavine and Ken Griffey Jr. to their wish list. Also on their wish list? Liniment, a hospital, and a time machine.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
David Ortiz says players who test positive for steroids should be suspended from baseball for the whole season. Ortiz is confident saying that, since his drug of choice is gravy.
Commissioner Bud Selig recently told reporters that he is not to blame for baseball's raging steroid problem. And considering he makes $18 million a year, it's pretty easy for him to pass the buck.
Houston pitcher Mike Hampton has been sent home with an irregular heartbeat. The timing is unusual since the Astros' hearts usually don't give out on them until the playoffs.
Steelers kicker Jeff Reed has been charged with criminal mischief for beating up a towel dispenser at a gas station. In fairness to Reed, he was told to pick on someone his own size.
And Alex Rodriguez was spotted with six different women on Valentine's Day weekend. Clearly, his performance enhancer is Cialis.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Washington Nationals have learned that their top prospect is actually 23 years old, and not the 19 years old he had claimed. The team knew he was really old when he remembered the last time Washington had a good basketball team.
Alex Rodriguez has allegedly told his friends that he's over Madonna. And under her. And behind her.
Rumors continue to swirl that Jessica Simpson is expecting Tony Romo's baby. Given her size, we wouldn't be surprised if she was expecting his octuplets.
And the Major League Baseball Players Association has sent a memo to all of its members about drug testing during the 2003 season. And by "memo," we mean "suicide note." The players are expected to read the note very carefully, as soon as they're done taking more steroids.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Ken Griffey Jr. is returning to the Mariners after a nine-year absence. Fortunately he didn't miss much.
Cavs center Ben Wallace needed 14 stitches after crashing into a window while playing touch football. Fans are not concerned, however, since it's not like he's going to get any uglier.
Charles Barkley has apologized for his DUI a day before returning to TNT. Man, that guy will say anything when he's drunk.
Major League Baseball reportedly wants more from Alex Rodriguez. Now they know how Yankee fans feel every October.
And the last part of Shea Stadium has finally been destroyed 44 years after it was built. They didn't mean to wreck everything quite yet, but demolition crews accidentally gave a 7th inning lead to the bullpen.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
ESPN plans to use 26 cameras for its broadcast of the Bassmaster Classic. Wow! That's one camera for every viewer.
Amar'e Stoudemire will miss the rest of the season after having surgery to repair a partially detached retina. It must be really damaging to watch opposing players run right past you.
Charlie Weis has announced he will once again be responsible for Notre Dame's offensive coordinator duties. Perfect - Notre Dame fans have found his last three years of play calling extremely offensive.
Ashton Kutcher has signed on to star in a movie about an NFL quarterback who trades bodies with a 12-year-old. The movie is tentatively titled, "Recycled Premise."
And security for the 2010 Winter Olympics in British Columbia is expected to cost $715 million. And $15 million of it is just Tonya Harding's consulting fee.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Yankees manager Joe Girardi took his team to a pool hall, in an effort to create stronger bonds. Alex Rodriguez was especially comfortable there, since he will spend most of 2009 behind the 8-ball.
The San Antonio Spurs beat the Wizards to wrap up a 19-day road trip. The players have been away from home for so long they can't even remember what their illegitimate children look like. Thats just a joke. They never remember what their illegitimate children look like.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told reporters that drugs have no place in sports. Luckily for him, they still have a prominent place in politics.
And doctors have advised Northeastern tight end Brian Mandeville to retire. His heart ailment could result in instantaneous death, or even worse, he could get drafted by the Lions.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Three teams are reportedly interested in signing Stephon Marbury. Unfortunately for Marbury, none of them are basketball teams.
Experts have selected Venezuela as the favorite to win the upcoming World Baseball Classic. In related news, Canada has been selected as the team most likely to apologize every time it scores a run.
David Beckham is currently starring in a Chinese TV commercial for anti-impotence pills. The pills are made of natural herbs, chemical supplements, and pictures of Beckham's wife.
Toronto Blue Jays center fielder Vernon Wells could be out for more than a month after tearing his left hamstring. Or as was reported in Toronto, his left Canadian bacon string.
And two-time Olympic Gold medal boxer Guillermo Rigondeaux defected from Cuba to Miami. When asked why he took so long to make his escape, Rigondeaux said that before he escaped his evil, oppressive dictator, he wanted to make sure we'd gotten rid of ours.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The New York Mets won their spring opener, bringing them one step closer to disappointing their fans.
Alex Rodriguez homered in his first spring training game. Yankee fans are happy that all the steroid hoopla didn't get in the way of A-Rod's ability to play well when it doesn't count.
Red Sox reliever Jonathan Papelbon recently told reporters that he suspects he is going to die young. Thousands of Yankee fans agree.
Stephon Marbury is expected to sign with the Boston Celtics as a free agent after he clears waivers. No one is more excited than the city's psychiatrists.
And Arizona's Kurt Warner said he is not sure if he will retire. The good news is he's already in the right place for it.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Stephon Marbury has finally joined the Boston Celtics. The former all-star would have been there sooner but he couldn't fly with all that baggage.
The New York Yankees have announced that Joba Chamberlain will start the first game at their new stadium. Which would explain the pitcher's mound being steel reinforced.
The Dodgers are close to signing Manny Ramirez. It took them this long because he was still in the batter's box admiring a homerun he hit in August.
Celtics guard Gabe Pruitt was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Los Angeles. Police knew he was drunk because he was headed to watch the Clippers.
And Marquette's Dominic James is out for the year with a broken foot. Wisconsin hasn't been this upset since hearing someone say, "Now starting: Aaron Rodgers."
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
New York Mets ace Johan Santana had an injury scare. So Mets fans might experience this year's heart breaking disappointment as early as March.
U.S. Figure Skating has announced its 2011 national championships will be held in Greensboro, North Carolina. Because if there's anywhere that is known for it's love of figure skating, it's Greensboro, North Carolina.
Michael Phelps has been dropped as the keynote speaker at two events in Canada. They are not angry about the marijuana bust, just mad that Phelps didn't get his pot from Vancouver.
73-year-old NCAA basketball player Ken Mink has been declared ineligible after he failed Spanish. His failure is inexcusable since he was alive when they still had an Armada.
And Oakland A's owner Lew Wolff is reportedly looking for a new home for his franchise. He might want to consider moving to Kansas City, since they haven't had a professional baseball team in 20 years.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Alex Rodriguez says he sees his two children once a week. Because that's how often they happen to walk by his mirror. Rodriguez allegedly turned to Katie Couric for career advice in 2007. If that's true, it is proof that he was still on drugs.
A 1952 Mickey Mantle baseball card has been auctioned for $121,000. You can tell it's authentic, because it still smells like cheap bourbon.
Brett Favre is currently selling his 2007 Ford F-150 truck on eBay. Or maybe he isn't. Wait, no no, he is. Nah, he'll just keep it for another year.
And Barry Bonds' perjury trial has been moved to July. Conveniently, Bonds will not be busy.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Mets fans are thrilled that Johan Santana might still start for the Mets Opening Day. They're also terrified about who might finish.
The Oakland A's have come to terms with Nomar Garciaparra. The free agent shortstop is expected to sign a contract as soon as he adjusts his gloves, fiddles with his hat and taps his cup 27 times.
The NBA may rewrite the official rules for traveling. That way they can have something entirely new to not enforce.
Bengals linebacker Dhani Jones has signed on to host a new travel show entitled Dhani Tackles the Globe. We're impressed, since most Cincinnati Bengals aren't even allowed to leave the state.
And Edgerrin James wants the Arizona Cardinals to release him. And to show that he's serious, he's been hanging out with Plaxico Burress.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Lakers guard Jordan Farmar is currently writing a blog on Playboy's website. Now guys have one more article they can pretend to read.
Former NASCAR driver Dean Combs has been arrested for making moonshine. When reached for comment, Combs told me I "had a purdy mouth."
The Minnesota Timberwolves are lowering prices on 95 percent of season tickets in the Target Center. It's never been more affordable to watch horrible basketball.
And Barry Bonds' agent plans to contact all 30 Major League Baseball teams to see if anyone will hire his client. Which is a plan that somehow took him 14 months to come up with. His next plan is learning that same sales pitch in Japanese.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Darryl Strawberry has admitted he would have used steroids if they were available during his prime. And if he could have snorted them.
The Knicks gave statistician Al Marchfeld a gold watch to commemorate his 60th year with the team. The watch commemorated his first 25 years with the team. For his last 35, they gave him a purple heart.
The Cincinnati Reds have invited Barack Obama to throw out the ceremonial first pitch in a game against the White Sox. If he can hit 50 miles per hour, they might sign him.
The Yankees new stadium includes a field-level seat that costs $26,000. Which, considering real estate in New York, is a pretty good deal.
And Terrell Owens has signed a contract with the Bills. Owens is hoping he can lead the team to four straight Super Bowl losses.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
