The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The New York Knicks are expected to shop for a new starting point guard in the off-season. The good news is that Stephon Marbury should be available.
Alex Rodriguez is opting for surgery. Unfortunately it will be on his hip, and not his brain.
Kevin McHale can expect to double his $1.5 million salary if he decides to return to coach the Timberwolves next season. And he can use that money to treat his blood pressure and ulcers.
Dolphins running back Ricky Williams is putting his autobiography on hold. Because he accidentally smoked the first chapter.
And NASCAR driver Burney Lamar and his wife Niki Taylor are the proud parents of a baby girl. The girl will be brought to you by Tide, Wonder Bread, and Skoal.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Netherlands shocked the world by eliminating the Dominican Republic at the World Baseball Classic. Of course, the real shock is that they were able to play baseball at all in those little wooden shoes.
Ray Lewis has signed a seven-year extension with the Baltimore Ravens. America can sleep soundly knowing exactly where he is.
Pacman Jones reportedly got in a fight during an episode of Pros vs. Joes. Which is much better than the fight he got into on Pros vs. Hoes.
The Utah Jazz collected their 12th straight victory. In celebration, Utah residents might even stay up til midnight.
And the Oregon Urology Institute is offering a March Madness-related vasectomy event. So even if your team doesn't make the cut, you still can.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Pacers owner Herb Simon is considering moving his team out of Indianapolis. That way they can find another city to disgrace.
Brian McNamee has admitted to injecting Roger Clemens with drugs at Yankee Stadium. Which is strange, since its much more common to use drugs in the neighborhood surrounding Yankee Stadium.
The Detroit Lions are reportedly on the lookout for a quarterback. In related news, Detroit fans are on the lookout for any kind of money back.
A judge has ruled that Michael Vick must pay his own way to his upcoming bankruptcy hearing. Ironically, he may have to take a Greyhound to get there.
And a Boston bar is now serving a novelty A-Roid cocktail. The drink is overpriced and best before October.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez complained about fans booing friend and Detroit Tiger Magglio Ordonez during the World Basdeball Classic. Ordonez brushed the booing off easily as he normally plays in Detroit.
LeBron James may be signing an extension this summer to stay with the Cavs. The Knicks are having trouble wooing him, since he's seen Knicks games.
The NFL has decided to maintain their tradition of showing a Detroit Lions game on Thanksgiving. Because the best way to enjoy Thanksgiving is with a giant turkey.
And NBA insiders believe the Indiana Pacers could be on the move to Kansas City. Where they'll instantly become the city's best baseball team. In a related story, the Pacers Danny Granger has returned after an 11-game absence. Just in time to help the team pack.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Suns scored 154 points in a resounding victory over the Warriors. The game was so lopsided that even the Phoenix Gorilla had a triple double.
Ken Griffey Jr. has admitted to experiencing serious pain when he was with Chicago. Yeah, it's called winter. Coincidentally, Reds fans experienced serious pain when Griffey Jr. was with Cincinnati.
Former Philadelphia Phillies star Lenny Dykstra has been accused of racist, sexist and homophobic remarks. No one heard him say these things, they just saw his mullet.
And there is growing concern that the Sacramento Kings could end up moving to Anaheim. Based on how bad they are, we are guessing that concern is coming from Anaheim.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Bud Selig said he is increasingly concerned about how significantly baseball might be affected by America's economic crisis. It's gotten so bad, only a handful of his players are able to afford drugs.
The NBA continues to discuss rewriting its traveling rules. That is four steps in the right direction.
Phillies left-hander Cole Hamels will be back in the line-up shortly after an elbow injury during spring training in Florida. Hamels injured himself repeatedly flipping off Florida drivers.
Andruw Jones is currently hitting over .400 for the Texas Rangers. He's not only pulling his own weight, he's also hitting it.
And Bucks forward Charlie Villanueva recently got in trouble when he was caught twittering in the Bucks locker room. Which a few years ago, had an entirely different meaning.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Fourteen women's basketball teams in the NCAA tournament have graduation rates of 100%. Which is the exact opposite of their Nielsen ratings.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson admitted to using steroids at the University of Miami. And if you're surprised by this, you probably enjoyed The Scorpion King, too.
Jessica Simpson recently signed up for golf lessons. Perfect. She already has the high waist pants.
MMA Fighter Tito Ortiz and Jenna Jameson are the proud parents of twin boys. Fortunately Jameson has plenty of experience dealing with two boys at once.
And New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Broduer set the NHL mark for most wins by a goalie. This was such an historic moment in hockey, sports networks almost cut away from bass fishing to cover it.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The odds of filling out a perfect NCAA bracket are one in 9 quintillion. And even greater if you picked Illinois.
Venezuela beat the U.S. 10-6 in the World Baseball Classic. On the positive side, it's never too late to find a new national pastime.
Bills running back Marshawn Lynch says he expects to be suspended by the NFL for his latest run-in with the law. Or traded to the Cincinnati Bengals.
Kobe Bryant was recently excused from jury duty. Prosecutors were worried that during deliberations, he would refuse to give up the floor.
And Lance Mackey has won the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race for the third consecutive year. The only thing better than winning the Iditarod is not being in Alaska in the first place.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Los Angeles Clippers are reportedly looking for a new general manager. And a new excuse.
A Binghamton University fundraiser has accused two athletic department officials of offering her money for sex. She wasn't offended by the offer, she was offended by the amount.
Miguel Tejada will likely be placed on probation for lying to Congress in 2005. No word yet on what Congress will get for lying to America since 1776.
Boston University earned the top seed in the NCAA hockey tournament. Fans celebrated by chanting that the Yankees suck.
And Shaquille O'Neal recently tweeted at halftime in a game against the Wizards. His updates aren't nearly as entertaining as imagining someone with hands that big typing on a Blackberry.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey made headlines by boasting he could beat Barack Obama at bowling. And George W. Bush at the SATs.
Retief Goosen picked up his first victory on the PGA Tour since 2005 by capturing the Transitions Championship. Afterwards, Goosen thanked his wife, his swing coach and Tiger Woods' knee.
The Angels and Royals combined for 30 runs in a Spring Training game thanks to winds that were gusting at 36 miles per hour. It's the most hot air we've ever seen in a game that didn't have Alex Rodriguez.
Andruw Jones is expected to sign with the Texas Rangers as a backup. He will be backing up the Rangers' mascot.
And Hulk Hogan is reportedly working on his first book. Hopefully he'll be done reading it soon.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
