The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Boston Red Sox believe Fenway Park should last for another 40 to 50 years. It's nice to know the stadium will still be around for Tim Wakefield's final season.
A pair of filmmakers just completed a documentary about Len Bias. The movie starts out promising but ends abruptly after just five minutes.
The Kansas City Royals had to cancel their season opener due to snow. The Royals didn't have to give anyone their money back since they hadn't yet sold any tickets.
Former QB Jeff George is reportedly trying to figure out how to get back in the NFL. At this stage in his career he might want to try buying a ticket.
And Oklahoma's Courtney Paris promised to give back her scholarship money because they didn't win a national title in women's basketball. But her lawyer said she's not obliged, because nobody cares.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Yankee star C.C. Sabathia admitted that he didn't look very good in the season opener. He also doesn't look good in a bathing suit.
Michael Jordan has been elected into the Basketball Hall of Fame. Probably not as a general manager.
Former President George W. Bush threw out the first pitch before the Texas Rangers' home opener. The Rangers went on to win the game, even though they had fewer runs.
Manu Ginobili is out for the rest of the season and the playoffs with a stress fracture. The veteran guard is believed to have injured his foot while doing the Dance of Joy with Cousin Larry.
And rowdy basketball fans ransacked the Motor City following Michigan State's loss to North Carolina. Or maybe Detroit just looks like that.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Jaguars receiver Reggie Williams was tasered by police in Houston. It was such an intense shock, Williams said it felt like Jacksonville made the playoffs.
Ricky Rubio's family is reportedly in favor of him entering the NBA draft this year. Ricky Rubio's family is also in favor of him staying in the draft til after the Kings have picked.
Renovations to Wrigley Field have been temporarily stalled. The Cubs plan on resuming work in October, once it's vacant.
Clippers forward Zach Randolph was arrested for DUI. Randolph was obviously drunk, because he was happy about being on the Clippers.
And Boston's Fenway Park is predicted to sell more hot dogs than any other stadium in the majors this season. Mostly to David Ortiz.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The San Diego Padres are now offering fans a special hot dog wrapped in bacon, stuffed with onions, tomatoes, and pinto beans, and served on a potato bun smothered in mayonnaise and jalapeno sauce. It's the perfect snack for fans who love hot dogs but don't want to live to see the seventh inning.
The Columbus Blue Jackets are going to the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. And no one is happier than the team's fan.
In the wake of his recent arrest video in which he trashed New York, Joba Chamberlain said that he loves the Big Apple. But he was drunk when he said it.
Yankee fans are wondering if it's too early to start worrying. Not about the season, but about saving enough to afford a seat at the new stadium.
And Seattle Mariners star Ichiro Suzuki has an ulcer. Doctors say he developed it over years of playing for the Mariners.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Atlanta Dream selected Angel McCoughtry with the first pick in the WNBA draft, thereby marking the last time her name will ever again appear in a national sports broadcast.
St. Louis ace Chris Carpenter threw a one-hitter in a dazzling start against Pittsburgh. And just like that, the Pirates have used up all of their hits for the season.
Darko Milicic has said he would like to play in Greece... or anywhere else fans don't know he was drafted ahead of Carmelo Anthony and Dwayne Wade.
Boston University staged a miracle rally by scoring two goals in the final minute to win the NCAA Hockey Championship. Of course, the real miracle is that we're even discussing college hockey.
And Barack Obama has declined an invitation to throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Washington Nationals' home opener, because he didn't want to show up their pitching staff.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Linebacker Zach Thomas will now play for the Chiefs. Because he wanted to retire early.
Dwyane Wade scored 55 points against the Knicks. He later apologized for such a poor performance.
The Florida Marlins took two of three games from the Mets. The Mets haven't been this disappointed since very recently.
Chicago is excited about having Jay Cutler quarterback the Bears. Because they were running out of Rex Grossman effigies.
And Yao Ming has been cleared to play. But he's so weak as a Rocket, fans now think he's from North Korea.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The U.S. Women's Hockey team beat Canada to win its second consecutive World Hockey Championship title. In related news, it's been a very, very slow day in the world of sports.
Florida International University is close to striking a deal with Isiah Thomas. We're guessing Thomas has put together a fantastic intramural team.
Ichiro Suzuki said he's excited to rejoin the Seattle Mariners. Which is conclusive proof that a stomach ulcer can impair your judgment.
In boxing, Paul Williams donminated Winky Wright this weekend. Williams is a fighter so intimidating, he is avoided by most opponents, while Wright is a fighter so boring, he is avoided by most fans.
And colorful Tigers hurler Mark Fidrych has passed away at the age of 54. Sadly, baseballs around America now have no one to talk to.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The last place New York Islanders have won the NHL draft lottery and will have the first overall pick. Unfortunately, the rules do not allow them to draft a new GM.
Isiah Thomas has signed a five-year contract to become the new coach at little known Florida International University. On the positive side, the games will be so boring that he'll no longer need sleeping pills.
Celine Dion is on the verge of buying the Montreal Canadiens. Because she wants to ruin more than just music.
TBS has signed David Wells to become their newest baseball analyst. In related news, TBS will now broadcast on a 10-minute delay.
And Oscar De La Hoya has announced his retirement from boxing. In related news, so has ticketmaster.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The NBA is considering using instant replay to judge shot-clock violations. The idea is being applauded by those who were concerned that the last two minutes of an NBA game weren't quite long enough.
Alex Rodriguez has said his time in Colorado gave him the opportunity to rethink things, recommit himself and understand his responsibility to his teammates and his team. In other words, his hotel room didn't have a mirror.
Earl Watson reportedly wants out of Oklahoma City. Then again, so do half of the town's residents.
Partners in the Charlotte Bobcats have been told to expect $35 million in losses over the next two years. Luckily for the Bobcats, they're used to losing.
And Jose Canseco's ex-wife Jessica is now dating Jeremy Piven. Someone should probably tell her that he's not really an agent.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Michael Vick is reportedly shopping a post-prison reality show. Something tells us it won't be on Animal Planet.
Head coach Charlie Weiss has talked openly about quitting Notre Dame. He saw how much fun his team was having doing it, so he wants to try.
Ken Griffey Jr. recently hit career home run No. 613 and his 400th as a Mariner. The veteran outfielder hopes to break another personal record later this week when he attempts to play in three consecutive games without snapping a hamstring.
Florida high school pitcher Patrick Schuster has thrown three straight no-hitters. No one was more impressed than his opponents the Washington Nationals.
And the Marlins beat the Nationals to improve to 11-1, making them the first team in Major League history to have more wins than fans.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Tennessee Titans backup Vince Young said that he wants to avoid any hoopla this season. Which will be pretty easy, what with him not playing any games.
Raymond Felton has said that he'd like to remain a Charlotte Bobcat. In related news, Raymond Felton may be off his meds.
The Cleveland Brows are looking to get rid of Brady Quinn and most of their female fan base.
The NBA Playoffs started this weekend. And as per tradition, they kicked off with the ceremonial clearing out of the Knicks lockers.
And a 100-year-old woman from New Jersey has become the oldest competitor in the history of the United States Bowling Congress Women's Championships. Because bowling is totally a real sport.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
