The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Brett Favre is currently working out with a high school team in Mississippi. We recommend the Detroit Lions do the same.
Former Boston infielder Lou Merloni recently told reporters that the Red Sox taught players how to use steroids. Judging by his 14 career home runs, Merloni must have a learning disability.
Former world cycling champion Tom Boonen has been fined by his team after testing positive for cocaine. Officials first became suspicious after noticing Boonen passing cars on the highway. On foot.
New York Yankee officials are keeping an eye on the effects of wind in regards to homerun totals at the stadium. They've already tried to reduce it by making sure the turn styles aren't spinning.
And P.J. Carlesimo has announced he wants to coach in the NBA next season. He should coach the Detroit Pistons, since they choke, too.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Lakers beat the Rockets by 40 points. It was so embarrassing, Ron Artest elbowed himself in the throat.
The odds of Ryan Zimmerman extending his hitting streak to 56 games are 0.09 percent. Sadly, that's still 0.06 percent higher than Washington's winning percentage. Forget Zimmerman's streak - we're just impressed the Nationals have gotten a hit in every game.
Brett Favre has reportedly been sending x-rays to the Minnesota Vikings. It seems like an unnecessary gesture since everyone can already see right through him.
And Boston Celtics forward Glen Davis has apologized for bumping a 12-year-old boy while celebrating his game-winning shot against the Magic. The kid is just lucky he didn't eat him.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Lakers beat the Rockets by 40 points. It was so embarrassing, Ron Artest elbowed himself in the throat.
The odds of Ryan Zimmerman extending his hitting streak to 56 games are 0.09 percent. Sadly, that's still 0.06 percent higher than Washington's winning percentage. Forget Zimmerman's streak - we're just impressed the Nationals have gotten a hit in every game.
Brett Favre has reportedly been sending x-rays to the Minnesota Vikings. It seems like an unnecessary gesture since everyone can already see right through him.
And Boston Celtics forward Glen Davis has apologized for bumping a 12-year-old boy while celebrating his game-winning shot against the Magic. The kid is just lucky he didn't eat him.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Los Angeles Sparks star Candace Parker has given birth to a baby girl. In related news, the WNBA's fan base just doubled.
The Lingerie Football League is holding tryouts this week in Miami. Coach Marv Albert is optimistic about his team's chances. We suggest Brett Favre play. Then he'll be as exposed as Green Bay was last season.
The NFL is considering playing a second game in Europe in 2010. It's the first step in their plan to strand the Lions in Spain.
And Mike Tyson has admitted to wanting to kill Brad Pitt back in the early 1990s because he was dating Tyson's ex, Robin Givens. Though we are talking about Robin Givens - after two weeks, Brad Pitt probably wanted to kill himself.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Stephen Curry has said that playing for the Knicks would be a dream come true. Funny, we've had the same nightmare.
Chad Johnson received some good news and some bad news today. The good news is the NFL has agreed to allow him to have the name Ochocinco on the back of his jersey. The bad news is the front of the jersey will still feature the name Bengals.
David Stern has asked Mark Cuban to apologize more directly to Kenyon Martin's mother. And anyone else who has ever wasted their time on his blog.
Ex-Yankee slugger Jim Leyritz recently threatened to commit suicide. The Yankees organization reached out to Leyritz, and asked him if he wanted to pay to kill himself with a brick from the old stadium.
And the Minnesota Timberwolves are interested in bringing back Kevin McHale. After all, he IS the team's second best forward.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Jerry Bruckheimer is interested in buying the Sacramento Kings. Luckily his experience directing Pearl Harbor has prepared him well for epic disasters.
A suspicious substance was found in the corner of boxer Edison Miranda, following his loss to Andre Ward. Judging by Miranda's performance, the substance was definitely not speed.
Developer Bruce Ratner says he is ready to break ground on a Brooklyn arena for the New Jersey Nets. While he's at it he might also want to take a jackhammer to the team's roster.
Tony Romo was recently spotted leaving a steakhouse in Dallas carrying a bottle of 21-year-old single malt Scotch. We hope the Scotch has aged better than Jessica Simpson.
And Terrell Owens practiced with the Buffalo Bills for the first time. Owens is confident, in good health, and right on schedule for his June meltdown.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Jets owner Woody Johnson is getting his own TV show, tentatively titled "The Second Biggest Loser."
The Washington Nationals made four errors in a loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates. Five if you count showing up for the game. While four errors is pretty awful, it's nothing compared to the 14,549 people who committed the error of buying tickets.
Former NBA forward Brian Grant has revealed that he has Parkinson's disease. The Lakers immediately canceled plans for their bobblehead night.
And Michelle Wie has said she'd like to win the Masters. We suggest she set her sights on something more realistic, like curing cancer.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Mets slugger Carlos Delgado is out ten weeks after hip surgery. It was only supposed to be six weeks, but team doctors are also committed to underachievement.
The L.A. Clippers won the NBA draft lottery in an upset. And no one was more upset than Blake Griffin. Congratulations to the Clippers on the win. Making the last time this year you'll hear the words "Clippers" and "win" in the same sentence.
New Orleans will host the 2013 Super Bowl. In other news, the Girls Gone Wild camera crew is now working secretly for Bill Belichick.
And Red Sox slugger David Ortiz is in the biggest homerun slump of his career. He's still had plenty of Grand Slams, but only at Denny's.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Ricky Rubio is reportedly not interested in competing in Memphis. Which is perfect, since the Grizzlies havent competed in years.
Blake Griffin believes he can turn the Clippers into winners. Just after he turns water into wine.
If the NFL re-instates Michael Vick, his new team can expect hordes of protesters. But since that means people coming to the stadium, Detroit is very interested.
NASCAR fined crew chief Charles Swing a record $200,000. Or in NASCAR fan terminology, several Waffle House franchises.
And Red Sox star David Ortiz finally hit a homerun. It's his first four-bagger this year that didn't include a trip to a Wendy's.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Notre Dame omitted the losing seasons from Charlie Weis' year-by-year biography in their latest football media guide. What a great way to save paper.
The Washington Nationals accidentally sprayed fans with mangled meat chunks when they tried firing sausages wrapped in t-shirts from a small cannon. Other than that it's been a dream season.
Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a grand jury on drug and burglary charges. Congratulations, Ryan, that's the best thing you've done in the last ten years.
Marcus Camby has said he wants to remain a Clipper for life. Which is a great foundation in case he ever wants to plead insanity.
And John Daly wore pink pants in honor of the cancer battle being fought by Amy Mickelson. Luckily he had pink pants, since he recently spilled a daiquiri on his white pants.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Ricky Rubio has openly insulted Oklahoma City. He must know more about America than we thought.
The Los Angeles Clippers are entertaining offers for the No. 1 pick. Which is the only way the Clippers could possibly be entertaining.
Los Angeles Laker Andrew Bynum is reportedly furious that he isnt getting more playing time. It's nice to hear he isn't hung up on trivial matters like winning.
Mark Cuban is headed for court shortly to defend himself against charges of insider trading. Anyone who trades for Jason Kidd and Ryan Hollins is definitely not receiving insider information.
And the struggling Florida Marlins are reportedly open to making substantive changes. Their first change is to stop playing baseball.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Buffalo News said that Buffalo is the best city for baseball fans. And nothing else.
John Daly's six-month suspension on the PGA Tour is finally over. We'll give you one guess as to how he celebrated.
The Washington Nationals recently misspelled Teddy Roosevelt's name on thousands of bobbleheads of the former U.S. President. Given their recent struggles, you can't blame them for wanting to re-write history.
The Los Angeles Lakers are headed back home after falling 120-101 to the Nuggets. Kobe Bryant hasn't been this excited to leave Colorado since, well, you know when.
And the Boston Red Sox actually decided to sit the slumping David Ortiz. Just after they buy a bigger bench.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
More and more New York Mets are getting hurt. Like their fans in September.
The Phoenix Suns and Philadelphia Sixers will play a preseason game in Mexico. The game was originally going to feature the Kings and Clippers, but Mexican officials didn't want anyone else getting sick.
Shaquille O'Neal has challenged Lance Armstrong in a bike race. Shaq plans on carrying his.
The Minnesota Timberwolves Rashad McCants has been busted for cheating on Khloe Kardashian after her sister Kim hacked into his voicemail and heard several messages from groupies. What's more surprising, that Kim Kardashian is technologically savvy or that Rashad McCants has fans?
And Mr. T recently threw out the first pitch at a Chicago Cubs game. In related news, the Chicago Cubs have officially run out of celebrities.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Buffalo Bills cornerback Terrence McGee hurt his arm while covering Terrell Owens. McGee got mixed up when T.O. went one way and his ego went the other.
Randy Johnson picked up win number 299 with a 6-3 victory over the Atlanta Braves. Johnson is now just one victory away from becoming the ugliest 300-game-winner in Major League history.
The Detroit Red Wings are back in the Stanley Cup Finals. When asked what they thought of being in the Super Bowl of hockey, all of Detroit responded, "What's the Super Bowl?"
Dirk Nowitzki's ex-girlfriend is allegedly pregnant with his child. You can actually tell it's his because it flopped during the ultrasound.
And Cleveland owner Larry Dolan has been hospitalized following a mild heart attack. It was only a matter of time before he finally realized he owned the Indians.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
