The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Carlos Pena, Joe Mauer, and Albert Pujols had a three-way tie in the first round of the Home Run Derby. Pujols eventually won when he hit more homeruns than the Mets.

The Washington Nationals have fired manager Manny Acta. Owners plan to secretly replace him with decaffeinated Folgers crystals and see if anyone notices the difference.

Houston Rockets guard Tracy McGrady plans to change his uniform number to three. The number represents both his "3 points Darfur" initiative as well as the number of times he expects be on the injured reserve next season.

UFC President Dana White told reporters that the UFC will eventually be bigger than the NFL. Defense attorneys are looking forward to the increased business.

And Brett Favre threw passes to a high school team. No word yet on why he was training with the Lions.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The WNBA has started selling seats for as low as $10. I am woman, hear me plead.

The Pirates are interested in trading All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for left-handed starter Jonathan Sanchez. The trade is particularly appealing to Pittsburgh since they can save money by not printing new jerseys.

Pedro Martinez could play for Philadelphia. Yes, the Sixers are that desperate.

Knicks center Eddy Curry has lost 30 pounds. Just 20 more and he can safely ride on an elevator.

And Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are still an item. It works because Hudson loves Rodriguez, and so does he.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Blake Griffin had 27 points and 12 rebounds in his first game at the NBA's Summer League. It's nice to know that at least one person will be leaving Las Vegas feeling better about themselves.

The Washington Nationals have appointed bench coach Jim Riggleman as the team's new interim manager because he picked the shortest straw.

The Chicago Cubs are considering filing for bankruptcy. It might be one title they can actually win.

Lance Armstrong is on the verge of winning his eighth Tour de France. If this continues much longer, he'll be winning it with his left blinker on.

And a new survey among MLB insiders has found that Alex Rodriquez is no longer considered the top player in the game. Clearly they didn't ask Alex Rodriguez.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

New Washington Nationals manager Jim Riggleman has held his first team meeting, ran his first practice and presided over his first news conference. All that remains now is to lose his first game.

Bud Selig is still examining Pete Rose's application for reinstatement. So whoever took August in the pool is in good shape.

Lance Armstrong is on the verge of winning the Tour De France for the 8th time. Just in case the French don t hate us enough.

The Baltimore Ravens gave Terrell Suggs the most lucrative contract ever for a linebacker. Ray Lewis said he'd even more proud of Suggs if he did all that AND watched his friends kill somebody.

And Brett Favre said he plans to make his final decision about returning to the NFL by July 30. Of 2007.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Yao Ming has signed an agreement to bail out the Chinese Basketball League's Shanghai Sharks. The team began facing trouble after some of the players were found to contain lead paint.

Derek Jeter is in the process of building the largest home in Tampa Bay. The estate will have 300 bedrooms in case all of his girlfriends show up at once.

Michael Vick admitted that the road back to the NFL will be a long one. "Ditto," said all of Detroit.

Major League Baseball nixed a New York Yankees signing after the player turned out to be under 16-years-old. They became suspicious when the player was asked his age, and responded by saying, "this many."

And Jamie Moyer pitched a one-hitter against the Florida Marlins. It's amazing considering Moyer was a rookie when Florida became a state.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Padres second baseman Edgar Gonzalez was hospitalized after being hit in the head by a 93 mph pitch. Gonzalez is hitting just .190 this season, but his head is one for one.

Richard Jefferson recently told reporters that 80 percent of all pro athletes get divorced. The other 20 percent must be better at cheating.

81-year-old Hershel McGriff recently became the oldest driver to compete in a NASCAR race. He didn't mean to - he just drove onto the track accidentally.

Lou Piniella recently had a five minute meeting with President Barack Obama. It was actually supposed to be a ten minute meeting until Piniella began bumping him in the chest and kicking dirt.

And Lance Armstrong conceded he can not beat teammate Alberto Contador in the Tour de France. That's a ballsy thing to admit. Or in Armstrong's case, "bally."

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to choose a head coach soon. At least 30 qualified candidates are hoping it won't be them.

Ricky Henderson was thrilled about his induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. That's a direct quote from Rickey Henderson.

Pittsburgh State football player Joe Windscheffel will miss the upcoming season after being attacked by a zebra. The attack left him injured and terrified of referees.

Phil Mickelson has put in a bid to buy 105 Waffle Houses. He hopes to turn a profit on John Daly.

And Kansas City outfielder Jose Guillen sustained a torn knee ligament while trying to put on a shin guard. The New York Mets have already made an offer.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Kansas City Royals starter Luke Hochevar fanned 13. I'm sorry, that should read, "The Kansas City Royals have 13 fans."

A Japanese firm has developed a robot that can throw and hit. It's also got more depth than Alex Rodriguez.

Manhattan's district attorney wants Plaxico Burress to serve up to two years in prison. So he's clearly a Jets fan.

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated immediately by the NFL, and said any extension of his suspension would be similar to "kicking a dead horse." Nice that Vick has moved onto other animals.

And New York Met Gary Sheffield was added to the DL. Mainly because he misses his teammates.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Kurt Rambis is a finalist for the Timberwolves' head coaching vacancy. Whether he likes it or not.

Barry Bonds received a warm ovation recently at AT&T Park. The only people upset were the hundreds of fans who couldn't see over his head.

Stephon Marbury webcast, crying with his shirt off and eating Vaseline right out of a jar. So things are going better for him.

Barack Obama has said that his daughters are inspired by the WNBA. The only thing the WNBA inspires us to do is change the channel.

And Kevin Federline is convinced that his two sons will grow up to be sports stars. With the parents they have, they'll be lucky to grow up at all.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Big news: Brett Favre finally made the decision to stay retired. This week.

Stephon Marbury said he recently saw Jesus in his shower. Apparently, Jesus appeared to tell Marbury he's insane.

Jessica Simpson plans to release a new fragrance inspired by Tony Romo. It's called, "disappointment."

Yankees pitcher Chien-ming Wang is scheduled to undergo season-ending surgery on his right shoulder. As every man knows, there's nothing worse than having a useless Wang.

And Reggie Bush broke up with Kim Kardashian due to her constant need to be in the spotlight. At least that's what she said at her press conference.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Brett Favre is currently working out with a high school team in Mississippi. We recommend the Detroit Lions do the same.

Former Boston infielder Lou Merloni recently told reporters that the Red Sox taught players how to use steroids. Judging by his 14 career home runs, Merloni must have a learning disability.

Former world cycling champion Tom Boonen has been fined by his team after testing positive for cocaine. Officials first became suspicious after noticing Boonen passing cars on the highway. On foot.

New York Yankee officials are keeping an eye on the effects of wind in regards to homerun totals at the stadium. They've already tried to reduce it by making sure the turn styles aren't spinning.

And P.J. Carlesimo has announced he wants to coach in the NBA next season. He should coach the Detroit Pistons, since they choke, too.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Lakers beat the Rockets by 40 points. It was so embarrassing, Ron Artest elbowed himself in the throat.

The odds of Ryan Zimmerman extending his hitting streak to 56 games are 0.09 percent. Sadly, that's still 0.06 percent higher than Washington's winning percentage. Forget Zimmerman's streak - we're just impressed the Nationals have gotten a hit in every game.

Brett Favre has reportedly been sending x-rays to the Minnesota Vikings. It seems like an unnecessary gesture since everyone can already see right through him.

And Boston Celtics forward Glen Davis has apologized for bumping a 12-year-old boy while celebrating his game-winning shot against the Magic. The kid is just lucky he didn't eat him.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Lakers beat the Rockets by 40 points. It was so embarrassing, Ron Artest elbowed himself in the throat.

The odds of Ryan Zimmerman extending his hitting streak to 56 games are 0.09 percent. Sadly, that's still 0.06 percent higher than Washington's winning percentage. Forget Zimmerman's streak - we're just impressed the Nationals have gotten a hit in every game.

Brett Favre has reportedly been sending x-rays to the Minnesota Vikings. It seems like an unnecessary gesture since everyone can already see right through him.

And Boston Celtics forward Glen Davis has apologized for bumping a 12-year-old boy while celebrating his game-winning shot against the Magic. The kid is just lucky he didn't eat him.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Los Angeles Sparks star Candace Parker has given birth to a baby girl. In related news, the WNBA's fan base just doubled.

The Lingerie Football League is holding tryouts this week in Miami. Coach Marv Albert is optimistic about his team's chances. We suggest Brett Favre play. Then he'll be as exposed as Green Bay was last season.

The NFL is considering playing a second game in Europe in 2010. It's the first step in their plan to strand the Lions in Spain.

And Mike Tyson has admitted to wanting to kill Brad Pitt back in the early 1990s because he was dating Tyson's ex, Robin Givens. Though we are talking about Robin Givens - after two weeks, Brad Pitt probably wanted to kill himself.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Stephen Curry has said that playing for the Knicks would be a dream come true. Funny, we've had the same nightmare.

Chad Johnson received some good news and some bad news today. The good news is the NFL has agreed to allow him to have the name Ochocinco on the back of his jersey. The bad news is the front of the jersey will still feature the name Bengals.

David Stern has asked Mark Cuban to apologize more directly to Kenyon Martin's mother. And anyone else who has ever wasted their time on his blog.

Ex-Yankee slugger Jim Leyritz recently threatened to commit suicide. The Yankees organization reached out to Leyritz, and asked him if he wanted to pay to kill himself with a brick from the old stadium.

And the Minnesota Timberwolves are interested in bringing back Kevin McHale. After all, he IS the team's second best forward.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Jerry Bruckheimer is interested in buying the Sacramento Kings. Luckily his experience directing Pearl Harbor has prepared him well for epic disasters.

A suspicious substance was found in the corner of boxer Edison Miranda, following his loss to Andre Ward. Judging by Miranda's performance, the substance was definitely not speed.

Developer Bruce Ratner says he is ready to break ground on a Brooklyn arena for the New Jersey Nets. While he's at it he might also want to take a jackhammer to the team's roster.

Tony Romo was recently spotted leaving a steakhouse in Dallas carrying a bottle of 21-year-old single malt Scotch. We hope the Scotch has aged better than Jessica Simpson.

And Terrell Owens practiced with the Buffalo Bills for the first time. Owens is confident, in good health, and right on schedule for his June meltdown.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Jets owner Woody Johnson is getting his own TV show, tentatively titled "The Second Biggest Loser."

The Washington Nationals made four errors in a loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates. Five if you count showing up for the game. While four errors is pretty awful, it's nothing compared to the 14,549 people who committed the error of buying tickets.

Former NBA forward Brian Grant has revealed that he has Parkinson's disease. The Lakers immediately canceled plans for their bobblehead night.

And Michelle Wie has said she'd like to win the Masters. We suggest she set her sights on something more realistic, like curing cancer.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Mets slugger Carlos Delgado is out ten weeks after hip surgery. It was only supposed to be six weeks, but team doctors are also committed to underachievement.

The L.A. Clippers won the NBA draft lottery in an upset. And no one was more upset than Blake Griffin. Congratulations to the Clippers on the win. Making the last time this year you'll hear the words "Clippers" and "win" in the same sentence.

New Orleans will host the 2013 Super Bowl. In other news, the Girls Gone Wild camera crew is now working secretly for Bill Belichick.

And Red Sox slugger David Ortiz is in the biggest homerun slump of his career. He's still had plenty of Grand Slams, but only at Denny's.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Ricky Rubio is reportedly not interested in competing in Memphis. Which is perfect, since the Grizzlies havent competed in years.

Blake Griffin believes he can turn the Clippers into winners. Just after he turns water into wine.

If the NFL re-instates Michael Vick, his new team can expect hordes of protesters. But since that means people coming to the stadium, Detroit is very interested.

NASCAR fined crew chief Charles Swing a record $200,000. Or in NASCAR fan terminology, several Waffle House franchises.

And Red Sox star David Ortiz finally hit a homerun. It's his first four-bagger this year that didn't include a trip to a Wendy's.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Notre Dame omitted the losing seasons from Charlie Weis' year-by-year biography in their latest football media guide. What a great way to save paper.

The Washington Nationals accidentally sprayed fans with mangled meat chunks when they tried firing sausages wrapped in t-shirts from a small cannon. Other than that it's been a dream season.

Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a grand jury on drug and burglary charges. Congratulations, Ryan, that's the best thing you've done in the last ten years.

Marcus Camby has said he wants to remain a Clipper for life. Which is a great foundation in case he ever wants to plead insanity.

And John Daly wore pink pants in honor of the cancer battle being fought by Amy Mickelson. Luckily he had pink pants, since he recently spilled a daiquiri on his white pants.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Ricky Rubio has openly insulted Oklahoma City. He must know more about America than we thought.

The Los Angeles Clippers are entertaining offers for the No. 1 pick. Which is the only way the Clippers could possibly be entertaining.

Los Angeles Laker Andrew Bynum is reportedly furious that he isnt getting more playing time. It's nice to hear he isn't hung up on trivial matters like winning.

Mark Cuban is headed for court shortly to defend himself against charges of insider trading. Anyone who trades for Jason Kidd and Ryan Hollins is definitely not receiving insider information.

And the struggling Florida Marlins are reportedly open to making substantive changes. Their first change is to stop playing baseball.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Buffalo News said that Buffalo is the best city for baseball fans. And nothing else.

John Daly's six-month suspension on the PGA Tour is finally over. We'll give you one guess as to how he celebrated.

The Washington Nationals recently misspelled Teddy Roosevelt's name on thousands of bobbleheads of the former U.S. President. Given their recent struggles, you can't blame them for wanting to re-write history.

The Los Angeles Lakers are headed back home after falling 120-101 to the Nuggets. Kobe Bryant hasn't been this excited to leave Colorado since, well, you know when.

And the Boston Red Sox actually decided to sit the slumping David Ortiz. Just after they buy a bigger bench.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

More and more New York Mets are getting hurt. Like their fans in September.

The Phoenix Suns and Philadelphia Sixers will play a preseason game in Mexico. The game was originally going to feature the Kings and Clippers, but Mexican officials didn't want anyone else getting sick.

Shaquille O'Neal has challenged Lance Armstrong in a bike race. Shaq plans on carrying his.

The Minnesota Timberwolves Rashad McCants has been busted for cheating on Khloe Kardashian after her sister Kim hacked into his voicemail and heard several messages from groupies. What's more surprising, that Kim Kardashian is technologically savvy or that Rashad McCants has fans?

And Mr. T recently threw out the first pitch at a Chicago Cubs game. In related news, the Chicago Cubs have officially run out of celebrities.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Buffalo Bills cornerback Terrence McGee hurt his arm while covering Terrell Owens. McGee got mixed up when T.O. went one way and his ego went the other.

Randy Johnson picked up win number 299 with a 6-3 victory over the Atlanta Braves. Johnson is now just one victory away from becoming the ugliest 300-game-winner in Major League history.

The Detroit Red Wings are back in the Stanley Cup Finals. When asked what they thought of being in the Super Bowl of hockey, all of Detroit responded, "What's the Super Bowl?"

Dirk Nowitzki's ex-girlfriend is allegedly pregnant with his child. You can actually tell it's his because it flopped during the ultrasound.

And Cleveland owner Larry Dolan has been hospitalized following a mild heart attack. It was only a matter of time before he finally realized he owned the Indians.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

North Carolina guard Ty Lawson reportedly won $250 at a Detroit casino. Sadly, that makes him the fifth richest person in the city.

Jay Cutler has been dealt to the Chicago Bears. In case he didnt have enough to complain about.

Boston College defensive tackle B.J. Raji reportedly failed a drug test at the NFL combine. And no one was more interested than the Bengals.

Allen Iverson will miss the rest of the NBA season because of a sore back. Which he hurt while carrying his sore ego.

And the New York Knicks has been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Until 2012.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

According to a Los Angeles insurance company, at least 350 pets in the city have been named after Kobe Bryant. Or Kobe beef, one of the two.

The Detroit Lions introduced a new logo, and then promptly lost to it.

The New York Mets have decided to remove Doc Gooden's autograph from the wall of a member's only section at Citi Field and put it in a more public area. Based on Gooden's personal history, they might want to put in on top of a bathroom mirror.

Chris Webber recently bet Charles Barkley $5,000 that he couldn't eat a slice of white bread in 25 seconds or less. Good to see Barkley is working on that gambling problem.

And Rihanna is reportedly dating Los Angeles Clippers point guard Baron Davis. Perfect. He's on the Clippers, so he doesn't beat anybody.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Celtics big man Leon Powe is expected to join Kevin Garnett and Brian Scalabrine on the sidelines for the rest of the playoffs. With all those injuries, the "rest of the playoffs" might be three games.

The Red Sox Jed Lowrie had surgery, and Rocco Baltelli was put on the 15 day DL. This moves the Sox closer to the Celtics in the "All New England Injury Competition."

Pittsburgh catcher Ryan Doumit is expected to miss two months after breaking his wrist. Unfortunately, he'll have to spend it watching Pirates games.

And Houston center Dikembe Mutombo is likely done playing professionally after injuring his knee. It's always such a shame to see a player cut down before his prime. The injury was further aggravated when he tripped over his AARP card.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Los Angeles has lowered the price of beer at Dodgers Stadium by a full two dollars. In related news, John Daly is now a Dodger fan.

Amid their sluggish start, the Nationals are trying to stay positive - by imagining how great their scores would be if they were playing golf.

The Yankees said they aren't too concerned about the high number of homeruns being hit in their new ballpark. Especially if they find a way to charge fans extra for the souvenirs.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has said he doesn't believe in Twitter or MySpace. Similarly, many of his fans don't believe in the Big Bang or evolution.

And according to Forbes Magazine, a third of Major League Baseball teams declined in value over the past year. Some of them are so worthless, they're now in the WNBA.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Bud Selig is expected to meet with the New York Yankees to discuss their ticket prices. Because he can no longer afford to go to games.

Dikembe Mutumbo has become the first two-time winner of the NBA's citizenship award. He won the award this year, and also in 1947.

The Jacksonville Jaguars have introduced new team uniforms. Losing has never looked so good.

The United States squeaked out a tight 4-2 victory over Latvia at the ice hockey world championships. The game was closer than many expected, since the Americans were the only ones that could afford skates.

And the Detroit Pistons didnt win a single game in their series with the Cavaliers. Because they didnt want to make the Lions jealous.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Stephen Curry believes he could be picked as high as sixth in the upcoming NBA draft. And that's why Stephen Curry is not a general manager.

Johnny Damon is reportedly upset with Joe Torre's book. It was only a matter of time before someone finally read it to him.

The Golden State Warriors are reportedly in the market for a point guard... and a shooting guard... and a small forward... and a power forward. And maybe a center.

The NFL is considering airing the first round of the 2010 draft in primetime. With any luck, the 2009 draft will be over by then.

And the Hornets are interested in trading with the Pistons for Richard Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince. Unfortunately for New Orleans, Detroit is insisting they also take GM and Chrysler.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

There are rumors that Barry Bonds could bat DH in Kansas City. The D in DH apparently stands for "Desperate."

Royals ace Zack Greinke is 4-0 with a 0.00 ERA. The only thing lower than Greinke's ERA is the Royals chance at the playoffs.

The NBA has fined Houston's Rick Adelman, Portland's Nate McMillan and Boston's Doc Rivers for publicly criticizing referees during the NBA playoffs. The fines fit in with the NBA's new slogan: "I love this game! Because I'm told I have to."

The football coaches at Texas A & M and Texas Tech are in a war of words. Thankfully it's Texas, so they'll run out of words pretty quickly.

And USC coach Pete Carroll said that quarterback Mark Sanchez is not yet ready for the NFL. That's perfect, since he was drafted by the Jets.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Patrick Ewing is reportedly generating very little interest among teams looking for a new head coach. A number of teams, however, are interested in hiring Ewing as a mascot.

A new book suggests A-Rod used steroids as a teenager. The main signs were his acne and mood swings.

HBO has announced it will follow the Cincinnati Bengals for the upcoming season of Hard Knocks. The program is the third primetime show to feature the Bengals, following Cops and America's Most Wanted.

After a first round upset, the San Jose Sharks GM has said summer will be "tough and painful." Like living in Oakland.

And Brett Favre said he is done playing professional football. So he might still sign with the Lions.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The United States Postal Service has decided to give Dodger Stadium its very own zip code. Ditto for Prince Fielder.

The Dallas Cowboys' practice bubble collapsed following a major windstorm. The timing of the incident is surprising since the team's bubble usually doesn't burst until the playoffs.

Buffalo Bills safety Donte Whitner posted his phone number on his personal website so fans can call him at any time of the day. You know, its moves like this that almost take the fun out of stalking. Almost.

Sixers head coach Tony DiLeo says he's uncertain about his future. Not his future as a coach, but whether or not Philadelphia fans will let him live.

And New York Rangers coach John Tortorella has apologized for embarrassing the organization by throwing a water bottle at a fan. If Tortorella were a real Ranger, he'd have missed by much wider.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

One NFL source insists Brett Favre can't peacefully retire until he finds a way to get revenge on the Packers. Given his performance in the second half of last season, the best revenge would be playing for them.

The woeful Sacramento Kings are interesting in targeting Hornets coach Byron Scott. To be their new shooting guard.

Evander Holyfield recently caught a screening of Mike Tyson's new documentary. The former heavyweight champ reportedly enjoyed the flick, although he did complain he could only hear half of it.

The Los Angeles Dodgers are off to their best home start in franchise history. Major League Baseball has begun investigating the performance-enhancing qualities of Dodger Dogs.

And the Washington Nationals are expected to select San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg with the No. 1 pick in next month's draft. One problem addressed, 24 more to go.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Manny Pacquiao destroyed Ricky Hatton over the weekend, knocking him out in less than two rounds. The last time an Englishman was that embarrassed, we gained independence.

Rasheed Wallace has said he plans to retire unless he gets $8 million next year. So Rasheed Wallace plans to retire.

Jessica Simpson said she sent mass e-mails before Cowboys games last season asking friends to pray for Tony Romo's protection. The emails worked so well, Romo got to go home a month early.

Ken Griffey Jr. was held out of the Seattle's lineup due to a flare-up of diverticulitis. If Griffey were any unhealthier, he'd be Michael Moore.

And a woman has been charged with stalking Eagles backup quarterback A.J. Feeley. Clearly, she'll be pleading insanity.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Brett Favre has told friends that he plans to play for the Vikings. Given the way Favre burned the Packers and the Jets, we thought he already WAS a Viking.

After his son suffered a terrible beating by Manny Pacquiao, Ricky Hatton's father said Hatton is in "no rush" to think about his future. Or his name, where he is right now, or how to chew solid food.

Some Red Sox fans had brooms confiscated by security after Boston swept New York at Yankee Stadium. Security plans to use the brooms as seat fillers for the next homestand.

And former Pistons great Dave Bing was elected mayor of Detroit. On purpose! The newly elected mayor plans to clean up the town. By getting rid of the Lions.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The New Orleans Saints released two players for exposing themselves. The good news is the players got to keep the beads.

Yankees catcher Jorge Posada has been placed on the disabled list. Posada injured his hamstring while dodging questions about Alex Rodriguez.

Agent Scott Boras has said that he would like to see major changes to the World Series. The first change we'd recommend is that Scott Boras isn't allowed anywhere near the World Series.

A British soccer fan hung himself after his team lost to Manchester United. We hope Detroit Lions fans are not paying attention.

And a man who robbed Antoine Walker at gunpoint has been sentenced to 21 years in prison. No word on the sentence Walker will receive for robbing Boston, Dallas, Atlanta, Miami, and Minnesota.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Hawks are proving to be no match for the Cleveland Cavaliers. The only part of Atlanta that's not snarled with traffic is the street going to Philips Arena.

The New York Mets are on a hot streak. Which makes sense, because it's not October.

The owner of the Dodgers asked Manny Ramirez to address the team. After first explaining to Ramirez that baseball is a team sport.

The Red Sox were overwhelmed by the Tampa Rays at Fenway yet again. Boston is so afraid of the Rays, Paul Revere will warn the city when they return.

And to raise awareness for breast cancer, Major League Baseball used pink bats on Mother's Day. To raise for awareness for steroids, they used tiny, shriveled balls.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The NHL may be creating a new contest to energize its fans. The first fan that can actually locate a channel airing an NHL playoff game wins.

Mark Cuban allegedly told Kenyon Martin's mom that her son is a punk. Martin's mother retaliated by reminding him that he's the owner of the Mavericks.

For those of you keeping track of the "Manny" sweepstakes, the final tally is: Pacquiao good, Ramirez bad.

John Daly finished six shots back at the Italian Open. Just before he threw six shots back at the clubhouse.

And since Lane Kiffin became coach at the University of Tennessee, 11 players have left the team. It is such a mass exodus, the Vols are now calling the football team "math class."

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Boston Red Sox believe Fenway Park should last for another 40 to 50 years. It's nice to know the stadium will still be around for Tim Wakefield's final season.

A pair of filmmakers just completed a documentary about Len Bias. The movie starts out promising but ends abruptly after just five minutes.

The Kansas City Royals had to cancel their season opener due to snow. The Royals didn't have to give anyone their money back since they hadn't yet sold any tickets.

Former QB Jeff George is reportedly trying to figure out how to get back in the NFL. At this stage in his career he might want to try buying a ticket.

And Oklahoma's Courtney Paris promised to give back her scholarship money because they didn't win a national title in women's basketball. But her lawyer said she's not obliged, because nobody cares.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Yankee star C.C. Sabathia admitted that he didn't look very good in the season opener. He also doesn't look good in a bathing suit.

Michael Jordan has been elected into the Basketball Hall of Fame. Probably not as a general manager.

Former President George W. Bush threw out the first pitch before the Texas Rangers' home opener. The Rangers went on to win the game, even though they had fewer runs.

Manu Ginobili is out for the rest of the season and the playoffs with a stress fracture. The veteran guard is believed to have injured his foot while doing the Dance of Joy with Cousin Larry.

And rowdy basketball fans ransacked the Motor City following Michigan State's loss to North Carolina. Or maybe Detroit just looks like that.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Jaguars receiver Reggie Williams was tasered by police in Houston. It was such an intense shock, Williams said it felt like Jacksonville made the playoffs.

Ricky Rubio's family is reportedly in favor of him entering the NBA draft this year. Ricky Rubio's family is also in favor of him staying in the draft til after the Kings have picked.

Renovations to Wrigley Field have been temporarily stalled. The Cubs plan on resuming work in October, once it's vacant.

Clippers forward Zach Randolph was arrested for DUI. Randolph was obviously drunk, because he was happy about being on the Clippers.

And Boston's Fenway Park is predicted to sell more hot dogs than any other stadium in the majors this season. Mostly to David Ortiz.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The San Diego Padres are now offering fans a special hot dog wrapped in bacon, stuffed with onions, tomatoes, and pinto beans, and served on a potato bun smothered in mayonnaise and jalapeno sauce. It's the perfect snack for fans who love hot dogs but don't want to live to see the seventh inning.

The Columbus Blue Jackets are going to the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. And no one is happier than the team's fan.

In the wake of his recent arrest video in which he trashed New York, Joba Chamberlain said that he loves the Big Apple. But he was drunk when he said it.

Yankee fans are wondering if it's too early to start worrying. Not about the season, but about saving enough to afford a seat at the new stadium.

And Seattle Mariners star Ichiro Suzuki has an ulcer. Doctors say he developed it over years of playing for the Mariners.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Atlanta Dream selected Angel McCoughtry with the first pick in the WNBA draft, thereby marking the last time her name will ever again appear in a national sports broadcast.

St. Louis ace Chris Carpenter threw a one-hitter in a dazzling start against Pittsburgh. And just like that, the Pirates have used up all of their hits for the season.

Darko Milicic has said he would like to play in Greece... or anywhere else fans don't know he was drafted ahead of Carmelo Anthony and Dwayne Wade.

Boston University staged a miracle rally by scoring two goals in the final minute to win the NCAA Hockey Championship. Of course, the real miracle is that we're even discussing college hockey.

And Barack Obama has declined an invitation to throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Washington Nationals' home opener, because he didn't want to show up their pitching staff.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Linebacker Zach Thomas will now play for the Chiefs. Because he wanted to retire early.

Dwyane Wade scored 55 points against the Knicks. He later apologized for such a poor performance.

The Florida Marlins took two of three games from the Mets. The Mets haven't been this disappointed since very recently.

Chicago is excited about having Jay Cutler quarterback the Bears. Because they were running out of Rex Grossman effigies.

And Yao Ming has been cleared to play. But he's so weak as a Rocket, fans now think he's from North Korea.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The U.S. Women's Hockey team beat Canada to win its second consecutive World Hockey Championship title. In related news, it's been a very, very slow day in the world of sports.

Florida International University is close to striking a deal with Isiah Thomas. We're guessing Thomas has put together a fantastic intramural team.

Ichiro Suzuki said he's excited to rejoin the Seattle Mariners. Which is conclusive proof that a stomach ulcer can impair your judgment.

In boxing, Paul Williams donminated Winky Wright this weekend. Williams is a fighter so intimidating, he is avoided by most opponents, while Wright is a fighter so boring, he is avoided by most fans.

And colorful Tigers hurler Mark Fidrych has passed away at the age of 54. Sadly, baseballs around America now have no one to talk to.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The last place New York Islanders have won the NHL draft lottery and will have the first overall pick. Unfortunately, the rules do not allow them to draft a new GM.

Isiah Thomas has signed a five-year contract to become the new coach at little known Florida International University. On the positive side, the games will be so boring that he'll no longer need sleeping pills.

Celine Dion is on the verge of buying the Montreal Canadiens. Because she wants to ruin more than just music.

TBS has signed David Wells to become their newest baseball analyst. In related news, TBS will now broadcast on a 10-minute delay.

And Oscar De La Hoya has announced his retirement from boxing. In related news, so has ticketmaster.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The NBA is considering using instant replay to judge shot-clock violations. The idea is being applauded by those who were concerned that the last two minutes of an NBA game weren't quite long enough.

Alex Rodriguez has said his time in Colorado gave him the opportunity to rethink things, recommit himself and understand his responsibility to his teammates and his team. In other words, his hotel room didn't have a mirror.

Earl Watson reportedly wants out of Oklahoma City. Then again, so do half of the town's residents.

Partners in the Charlotte Bobcats have been told to expect $35 million in losses over the next two years. Luckily for the Bobcats, they're used to losing.

And Jose Canseco's ex-wife Jessica is now dating Jeremy Piven. Someone should probably tell her that he's not really an agent.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Michael Vick is reportedly shopping a post-prison reality show. Something tells us it won't be on Animal Planet.

Head coach Charlie Weiss has talked openly about quitting Notre Dame. He saw how much fun his team was having doing it, so he wants to try.

Ken Griffey Jr. recently hit career home run No. 613 and his 400th as a Mariner. The veteran outfielder hopes to break another personal record later this week when he attempts to play in three consecutive games without snapping a hamstring.

Florida high school pitcher Patrick Schuster has thrown three straight no-hitters. No one was more impressed than his opponents  the Washington Nationals.

And the Marlins beat the Nationals to improve to 11-1, making them the first team in Major League history to have more wins than fans.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Tennessee Titans backup Vince Young said that he wants to avoid any hoopla this season. Which will be pretty easy, what with him not playing any games.

Raymond Felton has said that he'd like to remain a Charlotte Bobcat. In related news, Raymond Felton may be off his meds.

The Cleveland Brows are looking to get rid of Brady Quinn and most of their female fan base.

The NBA Playoffs started this weekend. And as per tradition, they kicked off with the ceremonial clearing out of the Knicks lockers.

And a 100-year-old woman from New Jersey has become the oldest competitor in the history of the United States Bowling Congress Women's Championships. Because bowling is totally a real sport.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Injured Bulls forward Luol Deng is reportedly done for the season. Just a few months after the team's fans.

Florida wide receiver Percy Harvin scored a 12 out of 50 on his Wonderlic test at the NFL combine. And that's with a tutor taking it for him.

Japan has now won the World Baseball Classic twice, giving them one trophy for every person in America who watched them do it. Baseball fans are relieved to get back to watching games that matter. You know, spring training.

And Curt Schilling has officially retired from baseball. Schilling is looking forward to spending more time criticizing his family.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels recently swore his loyalty to quarterback Jay Cutler. The rest of the Broncos staff just swore.

A congenital amputee missing his arms and legs is planning to make his MMA debut next month in Alabama. Which is safer than him making his swimming debut.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Kelvin Pichardo has been suspended for 50 games following a positive drug test. Pichardo is relieved not to have to watch 50 Giants games.

A team manager said that a broken collarbone won't keep Lance Armstrong from competing in the Tour de France. Though if he gave up in France, he would be a local hero.

And Nicolai Valuev's win over Evander Holyfield was recently voted the worst boxing decision of 2008. In second place was the decision fans made to pay $50 to watch it.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Phillies ace Cole Hammels is set to pitch this season. He's so ready to play in Philadelphia, he's already bad-mouthing the Mets.

Floyd Mayweather is still undecided about returning to the ring. It's either that or play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers.

And in women's basketball, the #9 Michigan State team defeated top-seeded Duke. Not many people got to see the game, as it was pre-empted for a Sham-Wow ad. Even more shocking than the upset was seeing women's basketball make a headline. Duke coach Joanne McCallie actually used to coach Michigan State. And now she'll have the opportunity to coach elsewhere.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The city of New York may be chopping up the old Yankee Stadium and selling it to fans in little pieces. The team could profit over $15 million from the sale, which is enough to buy half an outfielder.

Joba Chamberlain's fastball is nearly 10 miles per hour slower than it was last year. Although five of those miles are attributed to Chamberlain's gravitational pull.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell wants to expand the season to 18 games. Lions fans are thrilled to get a chance at two more losses.

NBA owners have approved a rule change that gives a technical foul to teams that have an extra player on the court. Except for the Sacramento Kings, because having an extra player on the court is the only way they can stay competitive.

And Jerry West has rejected the Los Angeles Clippers' request to help turn around their franchise. Instead, West plans to focus on a far less challenging project, like world peace.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Major League catcher Ronny Paulino has been traded for the third time since December. Let's hope he's renting.

The NBA has fined Mavericks owner Mark Cuban $25,000 for making disparaging comments about the league through Twitter. Cuban was able to pay the fine after rummaging through his couch cushions. We're not sure what's more shocking: the fact that the NBA is still disciplining Cuban or that someone has finally found a way of monetizing Twitter.

Detroit is excited about hosting the Final Four. It's been a while since their last sports riot.

And Memphis coach John Calipari may coach Kentucky instead. At least he was the first to reply to their Craigslist ad.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

A minor league baseball club is selling a 1.7 pound hamburger that comes with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. In related news, they've just signed David Wells.

Alex Rodriguez recently told reporters that his rehab is "going good." Just about as well as those grammar lessons.

Michael Vick has reportedly been working on a book while in prison. He'd have finished by now, but he ran out of blue crayons.

Alyssa Milano has a new book entitled "Safe at Home: Confessions of a Baseball Fanatic." That's certainly better than her original title, "Touch 'Em All."

And an Australian rugby player was hit by a car in South Africa. Sadly, the car is not expected to survive.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Injured Lakers center Andrew Bynum recently blew off his rehab assignment to party at the Playboy Mansion. In his defense, many of the women there were dressed in nurse's outfits.

The Oklahoma City Thunder are expected to call up Shaun Livingston from the Tulsa 66ers. Although Livingston is too late to qualify for comeback player of the year, he certainly wins our award for this season's most depressing itinerary.

Senator John McCain wants a posthumous pardon for Jack Johnson, a black boxer unjustly imprisoned over a hundred years ago. Not only does McCain think the conviction was wrong, but Johnson was high school buddy.

A new study released by the American College of Cardiology suggests that watching your favorite NFL team lose in the Super Bowl could actually end your life. But if you live in Chicago, watching them win is just as dangerous.

And LeBron James recently admitted that he had never heard of Sports Illustrated until he was on the magazine's cover. Granted he was only four years old at the time.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Sprint announced that it will remain a part of NASCAR's premier racing series. Just as long as the drivers don't go through tunnels, cross state lines, or try to call when it's windy.

Michael Jordan is expected to be part of Chicago's bid for the 2016 Olympics. So is his bookie.

The Texas Rangers have decided to keep rotund outfielder Andruw Jones. Mainly to provide shade for the other outfielders.

Las Vegas odds have the New York Yankees winning 95.5 games this year. Because you can't count a win against the Royals as a full game.

And San Diego ace Jake Peavy threw five more shutout innings to finish spring training with a 0.00 ERA. The only way his spring could have been any more perfect is if he hadn't spent it with the Padres.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The New York Knicks are expected to shop for a new starting point guard in the off-season. The good news is that Stephon Marbury should be available.

Alex Rodriguez is opting for surgery. Unfortunately it will be on his hip, and not his brain.

Kevin McHale can expect to double his $1.5 million salary if he decides to return to coach the Timberwolves next season. And he can use that money to treat his blood pressure and ulcers.

Dolphins running back Ricky Williams is putting his autobiography on hold. Because he accidentally smoked the first chapter.

And NASCAR driver Burney Lamar and his wife Niki Taylor are the proud parents of a baby girl. The girl will be brought to you by Tide, Wonder Bread, and Skoal.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Netherlands shocked the world by eliminating the Dominican Republic at the World Baseball Classic. Of course, the real shock is that they were able to play baseball at all in those little wooden shoes.

Ray Lewis has signed a seven-year extension with the Baltimore Ravens. America can sleep soundly knowing exactly where he is.

Pacman Jones reportedly got in a fight during an episode of Pros vs. Joes. Which is much better than the fight he got into on Pros vs. Hoes.

The Utah Jazz collected their 12th straight victory. In celebration, Utah residents might even stay up til midnight.

And the Oregon Urology Institute is offering a March Madness-related vasectomy event. So even if your team doesn't make the cut, you still can.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Pacers owner Herb Simon is considering moving his team out of Indianapolis. That way they can find another city to disgrace.

Brian McNamee has admitted to injecting Roger Clemens with drugs at Yankee Stadium. Which is strange, since its much more common to use drugs in the neighborhood surrounding Yankee Stadium.

The Detroit Lions are reportedly on the lookout for a quarterback. In related news, Detroit fans are on the lookout for any kind of money back.

A judge has ruled that Michael Vick must pay his own way to his upcoming bankruptcy hearing. Ironically, he may have to take a Greyhound to get there.

And a Boston bar is now serving a novelty A-Roid cocktail. The drink is overpriced and best before October.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez complained about fans booing friend and Detroit Tiger Magglio Ordonez during the World Basdeball Classic. Ordonez brushed the booing off easily as he normally plays in Detroit.

LeBron James may be signing an extension this summer to stay with the Cavs. The Knicks are having trouble wooing him, since he's seen Knicks games.

The NFL has decided to maintain their tradition of showing a Detroit Lions game on Thanksgiving. Because the best way to enjoy Thanksgiving is with a giant turkey.

And NBA insiders believe the Indiana Pacers could be on the move to Kansas City. Where they'll instantly become the city's best baseball team. In a related story, the Pacers Danny Granger has returned after an 11-game absence. Just in time to help the team pack.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Suns scored 154 points in a resounding victory over the Warriors. The game was so lopsided that even the Phoenix Gorilla had a triple double.

Ken Griffey Jr. has admitted to experiencing serious pain when he was with Chicago. Yeah, it's called winter. Coincidentally, Reds fans experienced serious pain when Griffey Jr. was with Cincinnati.

Former Philadelphia Phillies star Lenny Dykstra has been accused of racist, sexist and homophobic remarks. No one heard him say these things, they just saw his mullet.

And there is growing concern that the Sacramento Kings could end up moving to Anaheim. Based on how bad they are, we are guessing that concern is coming from Anaheim.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Bud Selig said he is increasingly concerned about how significantly baseball might be affected by America's economic crisis. It's gotten so bad, only a handful of his players are able to afford drugs.

The NBA continues to discuss rewriting its traveling rules. That is four steps in the right direction.

Phillies left-hander Cole Hamels will be back in the line-up shortly after an elbow injury during spring training in Florida. Hamels injured himself repeatedly flipping off Florida drivers.

Andruw Jones is currently hitting over .400 for the Texas Rangers. He's not only pulling his own weight, he's also hitting it.

And Bucks forward Charlie Villanueva recently got in trouble when he was caught twittering in the Bucks locker room. Which a few years ago, had an entirely different meaning.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Fourteen women's basketball teams in the NCAA tournament have graduation rates of 100%. Which is the exact opposite of their Nielsen ratings.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson admitted to using steroids at the University of Miami. And if you're surprised by this, you probably enjoyed The Scorpion King, too.

Jessica Simpson recently signed up for golf lessons. Perfect. She already has the high waist pants.

MMA Fighter Tito Ortiz and Jenna Jameson are the proud parents of twin boys. Fortunately Jameson has plenty of experience dealing with two boys at once.

And New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Broduer set the NHL mark for most wins by a goalie. This was such an historic moment in hockey, sports networks almost cut away from bass fishing to cover it.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The odds of filling out a perfect NCAA bracket are one in 9 quintillion. And even greater if you picked Illinois.

Venezuela beat the U.S. 10-6 in the World Baseball Classic. On the positive side, it's never too late to find a new national pastime.

Bills running back Marshawn Lynch says he expects to be suspended by the NFL for his latest run-in with the law. Or traded to the Cincinnati Bengals.

Kobe Bryant was recently excused from jury duty. Prosecutors were worried that during deliberations, he would refuse to give up the floor.

And Lance Mackey has won the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race for the third consecutive year. The only thing better than winning the Iditarod is not being in Alaska in the first place.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Los Angeles Clippers are reportedly looking for a new general manager. And a new excuse.

A Binghamton University fundraiser has accused two athletic department officials of offering her money for sex. She wasn't offended by the offer, she was offended by the amount.

Miguel Tejada will likely be placed on probation for lying to Congress in 2005. No word yet on what Congress will get for lying to America since 1776.

Boston University earned the top seed in the NCAA hockey tournament. Fans celebrated by chanting that the Yankees suck.

And Shaquille O'Neal recently tweeted at halftime in a game against the Wizards. His updates aren't nearly as entertaining as imagining someone with hands that big typing on a Blackberry.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey made headlines by boasting he could beat Barack Obama at bowling. And George W. Bush at the SATs.

Retief Goosen picked up his first victory on the PGA Tour since 2005 by capturing the Transitions Championship. Afterwards, Goosen thanked his wife, his swing coach and Tiger Woods' knee.

The Angels and Royals combined for 30 runs in a Spring Training game thanks to winds that were gusting at 36 miles per hour. It's the most hot air we've ever seen in a game that didn't have Alex Rodriguez.

Andruw Jones is expected to sign with the Texas Rangers as a backup. He will be backing up the Rangers' mascot.

And Hulk Hogan is reportedly working on his first book. Hopefully he'll be done reading it soon.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Daryl Strawberry has just written his first book. He would have finished sooner but he was stuck on Chapter 11 for the better part of a decade.

PETA activists showed up at Madison Square Garden this week dressed in KKK outfits to protest the breeding practices of The American Kennel Club. MSG hasn't seen a display that offensive since the Knicks' last home game.

The Padres have traded former No. 1 pick Matt Bush to the Blue Jays following his third run-in with police. The Blue Jays plan to subsequently trade him to the Bengals.

Marv Albert recently turned 65. Albert is delighted that he can now get a senior citizen's discount on all of his lingerie.

And Tony Romo said that he's completely behind Jessica Simpson. Because she's now big enough to play center for the Dallas Cowboys.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Jamaica has named Usain Bolt its Sportsman of the Year. In related news, the island has also made Michael Phelps an honorary citizen.

Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant shared a single trophy after being named co-MVPs of the NBA All-Star Game. In related news, there is now peace in the Middle East.

San Diego Padres reliever Heath Bell has credited his Nintendo Wii Fit game for helping him lose 25 pounds. Andruw Jones has just ordered three of them.

The Lions plan to make Daunte Culpepper their starter in 2009. Were very excited to know which quarterback will be losing their games.

And the Atlanta Braves have added Tom Glavine and Ken Griffey Jr. to their wish list. Also on their wish list? Liniment, a hospital, and a time machine.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

David Ortiz says players who test positive for steroids should be suspended from baseball for the whole season. Ortiz is confident saying that, since his drug of choice is gravy.

Commissioner Bud Selig recently told reporters that he is not to blame for baseball's raging steroid problem. And considering he makes $18 million a year, it's pretty easy for him to pass the buck.

Houston pitcher Mike Hampton has been sent home with an irregular heartbeat. The timing is unusual since the Astros' hearts usually don't give out on them until the playoffs.

Steelers kicker Jeff Reed has been charged with criminal mischief for beating up a towel dispenser at a gas station. In fairness to Reed, he was told to pick on someone his own size.

And Alex Rodriguez was spotted with six different women on Valentine's Day weekend. Clearly, his performance enhancer is Cialis.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Washington Nationals have learned that their top prospect is actually 23 years old, and not the 19 years old he had claimed. The team knew he was really old when he remembered the last time Washington had a good basketball team.

Alex Rodriguez has allegedly told his friends that he's over Madonna. And under her. And behind her.

Rumors continue to swirl that Jessica Simpson is expecting Tony Romo's baby. Given her size, we wouldn't be surprised if she was expecting his octuplets.

And the Major League Baseball Players Association has sent a memo to all of its members about drug testing during the 2003 season. And by "memo," we mean "suicide note." The players are expected to read the note very carefully, as soon as they're done taking more steroids.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Ken Griffey Jr. is returning to the Mariners after a nine-year absence. Fortunately he didn't miss much.

Cavs center Ben Wallace needed 14 stitches after crashing into a window while playing touch football. Fans are not concerned, however, since it's not like he's going to get any uglier.

Charles Barkley has apologized for his DUI a day before returning to TNT. Man, that guy will say anything when he's drunk.

Major League Baseball reportedly wants more from Alex Rodriguez. Now they know how Yankee fans feel every October.

And the last part of Shea Stadium has finally been destroyed 44 years after it was built. They didn't mean to wreck everything quite yet, but demolition crews accidentally gave a 7th inning lead to the bullpen.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

ESPN plans to use 26 cameras for its broadcast of the Bassmaster Classic. Wow! That's one camera for every viewer.

Amar'e Stoudemire will miss the rest of the season after having surgery to repair a partially detached retina. It must be really damaging to watch opposing players run right past you.

Charlie Weis has announced he will once again be responsible for Notre Dame's offensive coordinator duties. Perfect - Notre Dame fans have found his last three years of play calling extremely offensive.

Ashton Kutcher has signed on to star in a movie about an NFL quarterback who trades bodies with a 12-year-old. The movie is tentatively titled, "Recycled Premise."

And security for the 2010 Winter Olympics in British Columbia is expected to cost $715 million. And $15 million of it is just Tonya Harding's consulting fee.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Yankees manager Joe Girardi took his team to a pool hall, in an effort to create stronger bonds. Alex Rodriguez was especially comfortable there, since he will spend most of 2009 behind the 8-ball.

The San Antonio Spurs beat the Wizards to wrap up a 19-day road trip. The players have been away from home for so long they can't even remember what their illegitimate children look like. Thats just a joke. They never remember what their illegitimate children look like.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told reporters that drugs have no place in sports. Luckily for him, they still have a prominent place in politics.

And doctors have advised Northeastern tight end Brian Mandeville to retire. His heart ailment could result in instantaneous death, or even worse, he could get drafted by the Lions.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Three teams are reportedly interested in signing Stephon Marbury. Unfortunately for Marbury, none of them are basketball teams.

Experts have selected Venezuela as the favorite to win the upcoming World Baseball Classic. In related news, Canada has been selected as the team most likely to apologize every time it scores a run.

David Beckham is currently starring in a Chinese TV commercial for anti-impotence pills. The pills are made of natural herbs, chemical supplements, and pictures of Beckham's wife.

Toronto Blue Jays center fielder Vernon Wells could be out for more than a month after tearing his left hamstring. Or as was reported in Toronto, his left Canadian bacon string.

And two-time Olympic Gold medal boxer Guillermo Rigondeaux defected from Cuba to Miami. When asked why he took so long to make his escape, Rigondeaux said that before he escaped his evil, oppressive dictator, he wanted to make sure we'd gotten rid of ours.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The New York Mets won their spring opener, bringing them one step closer to disappointing their fans.

Alex Rodriguez homered in his first spring training game. Yankee fans are happy that all the steroid hoopla didn't get in the way of A-Rod's ability to play well when it doesn't count.

Red Sox reliever Jonathan Papelbon recently told reporters that he suspects he is going to die young. Thousands of Yankee fans agree.

Stephon Marbury is expected to sign with the Boston Celtics as a free agent after he clears waivers. No one is more excited than the city's psychiatrists.

And Arizona's Kurt Warner said he is not sure if he will retire. The good news is he's already in the right place for it.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Stephon Marbury has finally joined the Boston Celtics. The former all-star would have been there sooner but he couldn't fly with all that baggage.

The New York Yankees have announced that Joba Chamberlain will start the first game at their new stadium. Which would explain the pitcher's mound being steel reinforced.

The Dodgers are close to signing Manny Ramirez. It took them this long because he was still in the batter's box admiring a homerun he hit in August.

Celtics guard Gabe Pruitt was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Los Angeles. Police knew he was drunk because he was headed to watch the Clippers.

And Marquette's Dominic James is out for the year with a broken foot. Wisconsin hasn't been this upset since hearing someone say, "Now starting: Aaron Rodgers."

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

New York Mets ace Johan Santana had an injury scare. So Mets fans might experience this year's heart breaking disappointment as early as March.

U.S. Figure Skating has announced its 2011 national championships will be held in Greensboro, North Carolina. Because if there's anywhere that is known for it's love of figure skating, it's Greensboro, North Carolina.

Michael Phelps has been dropped as the keynote speaker at two events in Canada. They are not angry about the marijuana bust, just mad that Phelps didn't get his pot from Vancouver.

73-year-old NCAA basketball player Ken Mink has been declared ineligible after he failed Spanish. His failure is inexcusable since he was alive when they still had an Armada.

And Oakland A's owner Lew Wolff is reportedly looking for a new home for his franchise. He might want to consider moving to Kansas City, since they haven't had a professional baseball team in 20 years.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Alex Rodriguez says he sees his two children once a week. Because that's how often they happen to walk by his mirror. Rodriguez allegedly turned to Katie Couric for career advice in 2007. If that's true, it is proof that he was still on drugs.

A 1952 Mickey Mantle baseball card has been auctioned for $121,000. You can tell it's authentic, because it still smells like cheap bourbon.

Brett Favre is currently selling his 2007 Ford F-150 truck on eBay. Or maybe he isn't. Wait, no no, he is. Nah, he'll just keep it for another year.

And Barry Bonds' perjury trial has been moved to July. Conveniently, Bonds will not be busy.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Mets fans are thrilled that Johan Santana might still start for the Mets Opening Day. They're also terrified about who might finish.

The Oakland A's have come to terms with Nomar Garciaparra. The free agent shortstop is expected to sign a contract as soon as he adjusts his gloves, fiddles with his hat and taps his cup 27 times.

The NBA may rewrite the official rules for traveling. That way they can have something entirely new to not enforce.

Bengals linebacker Dhani Jones has signed on to host a new travel show entitled Dhani Tackles the Globe. We're impressed, since most Cincinnati Bengals aren't even allowed to leave the state.

And Edgerrin James wants the Arizona Cardinals to release him. And to show that he's serious, he's been hanging out with Plaxico Burress.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Lakers guard Jordan Farmar is currently writing a blog on Playboy's website. Now guys have one more article they can pretend to read.

Former NASCAR driver Dean Combs has been arrested for making moonshine. When reached for comment, Combs told me I "had a purdy mouth."

The Minnesota Timberwolves are lowering prices on 95 percent of season tickets in the Target Center. It's never been more affordable to watch horrible basketball.

And Barry Bonds' agent plans to contact all 30 Major League Baseball teams to see if anyone will hire his client. Which is a plan that somehow took him 14 months to come up with. His next plan is learning that same sales pitch in Japanese.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Darryl Strawberry has admitted he would have used steroids if they were available during his prime. And if he could have snorted them.

The Knicks gave statistician Al Marchfeld a gold watch to commemorate his 60th year with the team. The watch commemorated his first 25 years with the team. For his last 35, they gave him a purple heart.

The Cincinnati Reds have invited Barack Obama to throw out the ceremonial first pitch in a game against the White Sox. If he can hit 50 miles per hour, they might sign him.

The Yankees new stadium includes a field-level seat that costs $26,000. Which, considering real estate in New York, is a pretty good deal.

And Terrell Owens has signed a contract with the Bills. Owens is hoping he can lead the team to four straight Super Bowl losses.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Pittsburgh Steelers barely beat the Arizona Cardinals, after collapsing like they were Pittsburgh's job market. The city is now on top of the sports world. And to remain there, they're selling the Pirates.

David Wells has fired back at Joe Torre, claiming the manager unfairly criticized his ex-players in his new book. Wells was livid after the book was read to him.

The Worcester Tornadoes have offered Manny Ramirez a two-year contract worth $24,000. Agent Scott Boras has advised him to hold out for $26,000.

And Michael Phelps acknowledged that a photo of him smoking pot is authentic. The good news is that he smoked it a half second faster than the French.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Cardinals are feeling plenty of heat after coughing up a lead with 35 seconds to go in Super Bowl XLIII. Thankfully in Arizona, it's a dry heat.

A Japanese sumo wrestler has been arrested for marijuana possession. Which, in sumo, is a performance enhancer.

Former Heavyweight Champion Ingemar Johansson has passed away at the age of 76. His death is particularly saddening for Evander Holyfield, who was hoping to fight him sometime next month.

Michael Irvin is producing a new reality TV show in which he'll give one guy off the street a spot on the Dallas Cowboys. The show is tentatively titled, "Pacman Jones."

And Terrell Owens has agreed to star in a VH-1 reality show loosely based on the network's previous hit, "Scott Baio Is 45 & Single." Owens' show will be titled, "Terrell Owens is 35 and Unbearable."

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Suns managing partner Robert Sarver has said he still believes his team can win the NBA championship. He also believes the Cardinals can still win the Super Bowl.

Lakers center Andrew Bynum will be out for 8-12 weeks with a knee injury. Kobe Bryant is upset, as he was really enjoying not passing to him.

A new report shows that baseball commissioner Bud Selig made more money than all but three baseball players in 2007. Wow, that's half a million dollars for every bad decision.

President Obama is sending a women's badminton team to Iran this week. It's less expensive than soldiers, and more offensive to the Iranian government.

And former Welterweight champion Antonio Margarito faces possible suspension after plaster was allegedly found in his gloves. John Daly will testify in Margarito's defense, since he's also been competing plastered.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Arizona Cardinals plan to donate thousands of Super Bowl "championship" T-shirts to poor families in El Salvador. Which will be easy, since that's where the shirts are made.

Comcast accidentally aired a 30 second porn clip during its broadcast of the Super Bowl and has offered customers who saw it $10 as an apology. Because if there's one thing that can make it okay that your seven-year-old just saw pornography, it's ten bucks.

The Cleveland Cavaliers are a perfect 23-0 at home. It's believed to be the first time that the words "Cleveland" and "perfect" have ever been uttered in the same sentence.

Paris Hilton was recently spotted making out with Barry Zito at a Hollywood hotspot. For those of you keeping score at home, Hilton has now worked her way through the entire alphabet.

And officials for AC Milan said that lawyers for David Beckham are negotiating with the LA Galaxy. They set up a meeting of lawyers when someone challenged them to schedule something more boring than American soccer.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The participants in the NBA's first officially sanctioned H-O-R-S-E competition will instead be spelling out G-E-I-C-O. Players are happy the event is not sponsored by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance.

The Continental Basketball Association has ended its regular season two months early due to a lack of funding. And we'll end this story right now, due to lack of interest.

Animal Planet is producing a new 12-part series that will take viewers into the lives of jockeys. Even though it's 12 parts, it's still a mini series.

Kelly Clark of the United States is the latest winner of the World Cup halfpipe event. The winner of the full pipe event was Michael Phelps.

And Kellogg has announced it will not renew its sponsorship deal with Michael Phelps. Fortunately he should have no problem picking up a deal from Honey Bunches of Hemp.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Cleveland Cavaliers finally lost a home game. Somehow, the Cleveland Indians have already lost one, too.

Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson will appear on "Dancing With the Stars." Meanwhile, Chinese gymnasts will appear on "Dora the Explorer."

The New York Mets are claiming they won't be hurt in any way by Bernie Madoff's web of deceit. Unfortunately, the team can't say the same thing about their bullpen.

Rotund outfielder Andruw Jones has signed a one-year contract with the Rangers. It's official - everything is bigger in Texas.

And the Atlanta Braves offered 42-year-old Tom Glavine a one-year contract. The Braves aren't particularly excited about resigning Glavine. They just wanted to see a baseball contract written in English.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Alex Rodriguez apologized for his steroid use, and expects fans to forgive him, especially hes never used any in October. By owning up to his past indiscretions, Rodriguez has shown he's smarter than Barry Bonds. Then again, a single celled amoeba nursing a hangover is also smarter than Barry Bonds.

The Dallas Cowboys have officially cut Pacman Jones. And they did it on a giant mirror with a huge razor blade.

The New York Rangers have expressed interest in Sean Avery. In related news, the rest of the NHL has expressed interest in Sean Avery's sloppy seconds.

And Minnesota Timberwolves center Al Jefferson is done for the season with a torn ACL. The rest of the team is done for the season because they're the Timberwolves.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Congress has no plan to hold a hearing with Alex Rodriguez. Or for doing anything else, for that matter. Rodriguez is relieved, as most Congressmen are a bit too young for his tastes.

Members of a Marijuana advocacy group have written a strongly worded letter to Kellogg after the company cut ties with Michael Phelps. Kellogg was able to quiet the group by replying, "Dave's not here, man."

Kobe Bryant became the youngest player in NBA history to reach the 23,000-point plateau in a game against the Oklahoma City Thunder. The record is a bit tainted, since 22,000 of those points came against the Thunder.

And Brett Favre says he is retiring yet again. Special thanks to Michael Phelps, Alex Rodriguez, and Kobe Bryant for preventing this from being news.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Michael Jordan says he knows he made some bad decisions. Because he read the paper in the 1990s.

The Chicago Bulls are currently shopping Andres Nocioni, Tyrus Thomas, Ben Gordon, Joakim Noah and Larry Hughes. The only Bull that appears to be safe is the team's mascot.

In the first round of NASCAR drug tests, all the drivers passed, but some pit crew members failed. In their defense, they thought it was just flaxseed motor oil.

A former girlfriend is suing Roberto Alomar, saying that the one-time slugger knowingly exposed her to HIV. Mets fans were shocked, as they thought only his batting average had a degenerative disease.

And organizers are beginning a World Bikini Football League with teams in ten different cities. The Detroit Lions are already 0-4.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Detroit Lions have signed head coach Jim Schwartz to a four-year deal, or 64 losses, whichever come first.

Pirates chairman Bob Nutting recently told reporters that an MLB salary cap would make Pittsburgh more competitive. Provided that salary cap is half a million dollars.

The Baltimore Orioles traded for Cubs prospect Felix Pie. The Orioles traded for Pie in an effort to land Prince Fielder.

New York is beginning to disassemble Shea Stadium. The stadium's structure has been weakened ever since the team imploded.

And the Yankees have announced they will wear a special patch on their uniforms commemorating the inaugural season at their new stadium. The design will feature an enormous dollar sign being flushed down a toilet.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Pittsburgh and Arizona will square off in Super Bowl LXIII. The only thing that's undecided is where most of America will be when they don't watch the game.

Free agent pitcher Paul Byrd has decided to sit out the first half of the 2009 season. Byrd wanted to spend time with his family, but apparently will be sick of them by July.

The New York Jets are expected to hire Ravens coordinator Rex Ryan as their head coach. And since this doesn't involve a murder he witnessed, Ray Lewis is available for comment.

Cubs chairman Crane Kenney has said the sale of the team should happen any day now. Then again, Cubs fans have also been saying the same thing about a World Series title for the last 101 years.

And Roger Clemens' former trainer Brian McNamee recently met with federal investigators in Washington for five hours. The session would have been much shorter, but they decided to do some ab work.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

NHL officials have put the Yankees' new stadium at the top of their wish list for the next Winter Classic. In addition to being brand new, league officials also like the fact the venue should be completely vacant by October 1st.

The home of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was ransacked last weekend before the NFC Championship Game. Of course  it was being guarded by the Eagles' defense.

Stephon Marbury says he has a firm offer from at least one club. Unfortunately for him, it's a high school team in Tupelo.

New York Knick Jerome James will miss the rest of the season with a ruptured right Achilles' tendon. James was injured falling off the bench.

And Alonzo Mourning may return to the Miami Heat if he can get his body back in shape. If not, he'll go to the Knicks.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Detroit Pistons have lost five of their last six games. Looks like the city's auto makers aren't the only ones struggling to put together a good quarter.

NBA owners have reversed a longtime ban on serving hard liquor during live games, in an effort to make the Clippers more watchable.

NASCAR mainstay Michael Waltrip is considering retirement. He knew it was time when he was doing 40 on the left side of the track.

And a pair of Arizona Cardinals fans have been arrested for torching Donovan McNabb's lawn. The torching had nothing to do with football, that's just considered lawn care in Arizona. What a bad day for the Cardinals  half of their fans got arrested.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Washington Wizards coach Ed Tapscott said Barack Obama has a standing invitation to stop by practice anytime he wants. And to play guard.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have announced they'll wear their white pants for Super Bowl XLIII. And because theyre in Florida, they also plan on hiking them up to their chests.

The Cleveland Browns have laid off 15 people in the past two days. Luckily they're all defensive players so no one should even notice.

The Brewers say they're close on a deal with Prince Fielder. Fielder was unavailable for comment, because there was still a buffet open somewhere.

And the City of Detroit has approved a $27 million plan to preserve Tiger Stadium. It's nice to hear that the Detroit Lions aren't the only useless relics the city is willing to support.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Longtime Utah owner Larry H. Miller has had his legs amputated six inches below the knee. And we thought the Jazz were looking shaky.

Jose Canseco and Danny Bonaduce fought to a draw in their highly-hyped three-round boxing match. The fight had no winner, but still managed to have two losers.

The soon-to-open NASCAR Hall of Fame will honor five inductees a year. Fans are thrilled - that's a new inductee every 6 months!

LeBron James dropped in 33 points against the Jazz. James scored so much, Utah made him an honorary Mormon.

And figure skater Ekaterina Rubleva accidentally exposed her nipple in front of thousands of fans during the European Figure Skating Championships in Helsinki. The mishap would have been even more embarrassing if any of the guys watching were straight.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The NBA could be headed towards a lockout in 2011. Luckily many of the players have a history of breaking and entering.

A Greek basketball team is looking to take on one of several NBA players including Stephon Marbury, Jamaal Tinsley, Jason Williams or Steve Francis. I'm sorry, did I say Greek basketball team? I meant Greek charity.

Sugar Shane Mosley regained the welterweight title over the weekend. He may be close to retiring, however, because after the fight, he called himself "Splenda" Shane Mosley.

And rumors say that the 49ers are angling to get Michael Vick once the QB comes out of prison. Mike Singletary has already been warned to keep his pants up. San Francisco - definitely a town where Vick won't have trouble finding a studded collar.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The New York Yankees have received an additional $259 million in public funding. The team is expected to use the money on half an outfielder.

Atlanta Hawks guard Acie Law has bet a friend $10,000 that the Dallas Cowboys will win next year's Super Bowl. Law will probably lose, but that's just because he's on the Hawks.

Bucks guard Michael Redd will miss the rest of the season with a torn ACL and MCL. In other words, Milwaukee is now SOL.

Veteran pitcher Brandon Lyon has agreed to a $4.25 million, one-year contract with the Detroit Tigers. Maybe a Detroit Lyon will finally win a game.

And Mark Gottfried has resigned as Alabama's basketball coach. In related news, Alabama's Jewish population has been cut in half.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

A recent poll encourages Shane Mosley to retire on top, after his destructive victory over Antonio Margarito. For non-boxing fans, "retire" is an industry term for "wait until I'm bored, and demand more money."

The Celtics will be without Brian Scalabrine indefinitely after he sustained his second concussion in three days. When reached for comment, Scalabrine said, "fire bad!"

Manny Ramirez remains unsigned. And ungroomed.

The Lingerie Bowl has been cancelled due to a conflict over the amount of nudity allowed in the event. On the positive side, football fans can still look forward to seeing the Arizona Cardinals thoroughly undressed.

And Ken Griffey, Jr. could return to play for the Mariners, saying he wants to be in familiar territory. Which we can only assume means last place, in an empty stadium.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Officials for the New York Mets said season ticket sales are doing well for the new ballpark. Especially popular are the new "first six innings" and "April through August" plans.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court has ruled that high school cheerleading is a contact sport. Although most of the contact is with a stripper pole 5 years later.

Aptly named former NBA player Corie Blount was recently busted with 11 pounds of marijuana. Or, as Ricky Williams calls it, a single serving.

Bobby Bowden has signed a one-year contract to coach a 34th season at Florida State. Bowden has been at the school so long he remembers when football players actually had to take their own exams.

And former NFL star Michael Strahan has been chosen to host the fourth season of Spike TV's "Pros vs. Joes." The show is not to be confused with "Pros vs. Hoes" which is a documentary about a Minnesota Vikings' boat cruise.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com