Sunday, May 21, 2006

An Essay

Editor's Note: Totally mailing it in. This is my entrance essay for the Sports Guy Intern Contest, which I would have entered had they not stopped taking applications early. I just recently realized that I've never posted this on the blog, so here goes.

I have accomplished much in my life.

Growing up, I spent hours in my back yard trying to shoot free throws like Mark Price, catch first downs like Brian Brennan, and strike out like Cory Snyder. I can sacrifice bunt with the best of them, but my athletic ability can be summed up in the fact that I was made a utility infielder at age 16.

Celebrities I have met include Dave Wannstedt's goddaughter and Ronnie Seikaly's cousins. In pickup basketball games, I play the role of the token Eastern European. I am Shawn Kemp's only legitimate child. I know all the words to Major League - both the R-rated version and the made-for-TV "fffforget you Jobu!" version. Like Rudy, I wasn't the quickest guy on the team, or the biggest, but I led the team in tackles.

I once attended a Raptors-Suns game where both Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady mailed it in so bad, Tony Delk had 50 points. I've read so many sports books, I'm convinced I could step into a pro coaching job. Can you believe that Shea Ralph blowing out her second ACL made ESPN Classic? You can see me in the background when it happened.

In college, I had a part time job as Bruce Dickinson's personal pharmacist. I have read so much Simmons and Gammons, I realize that I may have to legally change my name to Katrimmons to get this job. I helped fulfill a friend's lifelong dream by performing a karaoke duet of "Gin & Juice" in front of a bunch of confused white guys on Panama Beach. is my secondary source of truth. I have 6 Gmail invites and no use for them... yet. Yes, the market's a little over-saturated. That John Katricak? So hot right now.

I live by the motto, "Gimmicks don't pull the train, power pulls the train." I am Mike Jarvis' second-worst nightmare (next to the one where his nephew Will steals his car and wrecks it). I am the only person Tony Siragusa fears more than the Hamburglar. I am a “psycho” Notre Dame grad.

But I have not yet interned at