Sunday, September 16, 2007

Content Dump

There is a brief Michigan wrapup below, if you really want to read it. Otherwise, check out the random cleaning out of KankaNation's inbox...

First, courtesy Andy Gray and SI on Campus, a tailgate report card from the Georgia Tech game.

Second, Juiced sports takes on a Plain Dealer sports mailbag column.

Third, a few Fire Mark May-esque celebrity blogs form Yardbarker.

Finally, catching up on the Sports Minutes, again.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Harrah's has announced that it intends to build an arena in Las Vegas capable of housing an NBA team. Tim Donaghy has already volunteered to referee all 41 home games.

The Houston Rockets have made a contract offer to defensive specialist Dikembe Mutombo. The offer is for one year or six points, whichever comes first.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be a cast member of Dancing With the Stars. We're not sure how he'll be able to stay on his feet while they're constantly in his mouth.

A judge has set bond at $5 million each for the two men accused of robbing Antoine Walker's home. Ironically, that's almost as much money as Walker stole from the Heat last season.

Barry Bonds was honored in San Francisco when the mayor presented him with the key to the city. Given Bonds' popularity, we're surprised he didn't just leave the key under the mat. Next up is a visit to the Wizard to finally get a heart.

Red Sox reliever Jonathan Papelpon invented a new pitch: a combination cutter and slider that he calls a slutter. The pitch is also known as "The Paris Hilton."

After being cut by the Padres, David Wells has joined the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Dodgers are looking forward to increased sales of Dodger Dogs. However, fans are complaining about the loss of a handicapped parking spot.

And Gary Sheffield will miss several games with a sore shoulder. Sheffield has already come out against the shoulder for being racist.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

We can't predict the future, but we'd like to wish Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr good luck on the new job he'll probably have soon.

NFL coaches Mike Nolan and Jack Del Rio will be outfitted exclusively by suit maker Joseph Abboud this year. Unfortunately for Bill Belichick, Abboud does not create oversized sweatshirts.

The son of Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid has been charged with drugs and DUI. Who does this kid think he is, a football player?

Speaking of drunk, the Tampa City Council will not allow the Buccaneers to sell hard liquor at Raymond James Stadium. Clearly, the city council has never had to sit through an entire Buccs game.

Tough break for the Minnesota Timberwolves. A bum shoulder from a jet skiing accident could cause Mark Madsen to miss three months. Only three months. The Wolves are currently trying to negotiate a torn ACL.

In other injury news, one of Canada's top gymnasts broke both his legs while practicing, forever silencing anyone who'd ever wished him luck.

And 1967 Masters champion Gay Brewer died at age 75, still hating his parents. But ironically loving beer. Gay Brewer. We had no idea Mike Piazza had been traded to Milwaukee.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Milwaukee Brewers are making postseason tickets available to their fans for the first time in 15 years. Milwaukee fans will have to dress for the cold because hell has frozen over.

How bad are the Pittsburgh Pirates? A day after the Honus Wagner baseball card sold for $2.8 million, it batted fifth.

A Cubs fan built a one-third-size replica of Wrigley Field so he'll only have to wait one-third of a century for a World Series. Wow. You can really get a lot done when you're not distracted by women or friends.

Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant is on a five-city tour of Asia. That's how far he has to go to find people who still like him.

Speaking of people who don't like Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal plans to return to the Heat after shedding over 120 pounds of useless weight this off-season. His ex-wife.

Chivas USA Soccer has hired former NHL and NBA exec Shawn Hunter to help increase home attendance, by one.

A neurologist has concluded that former WWE star Chris Benoit suffered from brain damage. The brain damage was brought on by years and years of watching wrestling.

A punter who was cut by the Patriots was charged with assaulting his own father later that night. Convicting him will be easy, since Bill Belichick probably taped it.

And world champion Tyson Gay has decided to pull out of the Golden League 100 meters due to fatigue. Gay was exhausted after years spent running from his last name.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

An Open Letter to Appalachian State Fans

Congratulations! Last week, you pulled off one of the greatest upsets in the history of sports. Since then, your merchandise has been on back order, your website crashed due to all the traffic, and your 16,000 seat stadium is sold out for the first time. Way to go. You've really put Boone, North Carolina on the map. Enjoy it, because any day now, you'll wake up and remember that you're in Boone, North Carolina.

It is true that you won a football game. But consider that tomorrow and for the rest of your college career, you will be attending classes on a remote mountain top while the Wolverines will be in Ann Arbor, home to the largest population of hot slutty chicks north of the Mason-Dixon. Ann Arbor has so many hot chicks you could still get laid if you were a paraplegic midget wearing an Appalachian State shirt. Seriously, if you can't get any in Ann Arbor, cut it off.

Actually, looks like Boone is getting a hot chick, because your rigorous admission standards allowed that idiot miss South Carolina to enroll there next fall. That's right - all it takes to go to Appalachian State is a complete disregard for knowledge and the utter inability to make sense. The Mountaineers may have won in Ann Arbor, but they're going to lose in South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as. I'm surprised she can spell Appalachian State, let alone enroll. It's nice that you put Boone on the map - now if only more U.S. Americans had maps. That girl is so dumb your football players are going to end up tutoring her.

Yes, you had your way with the Michigan Defense like they were an attractive cousin after a box of wine. But the reason everyone is going so crazy over your win is because normally you suck. You're one of the best teams that the I-AA subdivision has to offer. Which makes you the 121st best team in the country. Yay. Look, the Kansas City Royals have a team MVP every year, but you don't see him bragging. The only thing this victory did was prove that moonshine just might make you invincible.

Yes, you took down Goliath. Congratulations David, but you're still I-AA. That's three steps up from intramurals. It was great that you won the game - and maybe you'll do it again when you go back to playing community colleges. That blowout this weekend against Lenoir-Rhyne College was something. All 16,000 people in attendance must have really enjoyed it. 16,000. That's adorable. More people go to hockey games.

Michigan may have been ranked number five when you beat them. But this weekend's loss to Oregon clearly shows that Michigan was not a true number five. I wish you were playing USC this Saturday so you could be knocked back down a peg. You'd fare as well against the Trojans as Miss South Carolina would on Jeopardy. Forget Jeopardy - that girl wouldn't make the cut for Wheel of Fortune.

"I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat. Is it 'The Iraq'?"

You've got two alumni in the NFL right now. Michigan had more than that go in one round of this year's draft. Michigan has won eleven national championships and your division isn't even eligible to compete for one. Michigan could lose every game for the rest of the season and they'd still be the winningest college football team in history. Remember what you were doing last year when Michigan was playing in the Rose Bowl? Watching the Rose bowl. Yes, you're the two-time reigning I-AA champions. I'm sure Lenoir-Rhyne College is jealous.

Yes, it was embarrassing for Michigan to lose to you. But that's because you're not an actual college football team. Were you normally any good, that game wouldn't have even made sportscenter. If the Knicks lost to the Rutgers women's basketball team, it'd be a big story, too. The headlines would all read "Nappy Headed Hos Lose to Rutgers."

Everyone cares because you suck so much. So bask in your temporary non-suckiness because pretty soon you will fade into the answer to a trivia question. Maybe Disney will make a movie about your improbable ability to win a pre-season non-conference exhibition game. It could star Hannah Montana as Miss South Carolina, and Cuba Gooding Jr. as the retarded fan who thinks this game actually matters in the long run.

Enjoy the moment, because that's what this is - a moment. When it's all over, you'll have to be content with going back to being simply a good academic school. With your classes in Ainglish and the History and everywhere like such as.