Sixteen Discriminatory Major League Baseball Teams And The Proposed Compensatory Counterparts, In Increasing Volume Of Groups Discriminated Against

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare recipient

Editor's Note: If you'd really rather see my Purdue wrapup, just scroll down.

#16:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Cincinnati Reds
COMPENSATORY TEAM: New Orleans Blues
MASCOT: A down-on-his-luck saxophonist.
HAT COLORS: Midnight blue with smoky white pinstripes.

#15:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Colorado Rockies
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Jefferson City Smoothies
MASCOT: A giant smoothie cup that carries around a huge plastic straw.
HAT COLORS: Soft, pastel orange with a cream-colored bill.

#14:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: San Diego Padres
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Montgomery Madres
MASCOT: The Swinging Nun.
HAT COLORS: Black with a white bill.

#13:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Kansas City Royals
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Portland Peasants
MASCOT: A gnarled, grubby man in tattered clothes with a garden hoe over his shoulder.
HAT COLORS: Mud brown.

#12:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: San Francisco Giants
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Providence Midgets
MASCOT: A whole cheering squad of midgets.
HAT COLORS: Anything bright enough to help people notice them.

#11:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Tampa Bay Devil Rays
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
MASCOT: Rally Monkey
HAT COLORS: Red with white details.

#10:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Atlanta Braves
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Pierre Cowards
MASCOT: The color yellow.
HAT COLORS: Yellow pinstripes against a yellow background with yellow detailing.

#9:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Milwaukee Brewers
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Topeka Teetotalers
MASCOT: Eliot Ness
HAT COLORS: Milk-white with tea-brown and cranberry-juice-red highlights.

#8:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Washington Nationals
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Anchorage Locals
MASCOT: Average Joe
HAT COLORS: Collar blue.

#7:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Minnesota Twins
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Cheyenne Only Children
MASCOT: A whiny, spoiled, bratty child.
HAT COLORS: Whatever the other team is wearing, only better.

#6:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Cleveland Indians
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Montana Cowboys
MASCOT: John Wayne
HAT COLORS: White cowboy hats for home games, black cowboy hats for away games.

#5:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: New York Yankees
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Columbia (SC) Confederates
MASCOT: A confederate soldier with accompanying cannon.
HAT COLORS: The Battle Flag of the Confederacy against a white background. Victory hats will have red bills.

#4:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Boston Red Sox
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Indianapolis Capitalist Sox
MASCOT: Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson. Grant can make an appearance in clutch games.
HAT COLORS: Green with microprinting, holographic ink, and embedded security strips.

#3:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Oakland Athletics
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Oklahoma City Lazy Fat-Ass Couch Potatoes
MASCOT: A really fat guy that slumps on a couch in front of the dugout and eats Cheetos the whole game.
HAT COLORS: Potato-brown with Cheetos-orange details.

#2:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Pittsburgh Pirates
COMPENSATORY TEAM: San Juan Recording Industry Association of America
MASCOT: A lawyer.
HAT COLORS: Pale yellow with red and blue pinstripes, in the fashion of a pad of legal paper.

#1:
DISCRIMINATORY TEAM: Chicago White Sox
COMPENSATORY TEAM: Santa Fe Minority Sox
MASCOT: The collective fans in the stadium, being the best representatives of all that the world has to offer. Except for the white guys.
HAT COLORS: Every beautiful color in the spectrum, except white, somehow given precisely equal prominence.

All the best.