Monday, September 03, 2007

Eleven Ways To Make Sports In The United States More Delightfully English, In Increasing Magnitude Of Stereotypical Awfulness

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare recipient

Editor's Note: Really? You'd rather see a GT wrapup? I'll include my thoughts in the PSU preview.

David Beckham was my inspiration for this month's attempt.

#11 - Soccer: Import some extremely well-paid English players. This seems so obvious, I'm not sure why nobody else has already thought of it. Also, the sport would have to be renamed "English Football".

#10 - Boxing: Boxing would be called "fisticuffs" instead. The common boxing stance would be modeled after the University of Notre Dame's leprechaun mascot. Wry commentary would be delivered in a dry monotone.

#9 - Tennis: Tennis would remain relatively the same. The main difference would be in scorekeeping: you wouldn't say things like "15 love" any more, but "15 luv". Also, clay courts would be eliminated. Clay courts are contemporarily French, which is by-definition not delightfully English.

#8 - Basketball: Pronounced acts of exuberance, such as slam dunks or congratulatory butt-slaps, would be replaced with exceptional displays of reserve and politeness. The sport would thenceforth be called "Ye Olde Baƒketballe".

#7 - Football: Traditional football pads would be replaced with full metal suits of armor. Physical trainers would be referred to as "pages", and the coach would be addressed as "my liege". Further, all instant replays would be depicted via cartoonish animation à la Monty Python.

#6 - Auto Racing: Instead of the normal stock or formula cars, we would race hackney carriages and double-decker busses. Also, the racetracks would all turn in the opposite direction. "Gentlemen, start your engines!" would be replaced with "Tally-ho and whatnot."

#5 - Polo: The only way this sport could be more delightfully English would be if they ground the horses into a variety of sausages. This would include the parts of the horse not normally considered meat, such as the kidneys. (The kidneys will be important later.)

#4 - Lacrosse: A large influx of hooligans would make Lacrosse more delightfully English, with the attendant riots before and after any given win or loss. Also, team names like "Titans" and "Roughnecks" would have to be replaced with names like "Whigs" and "Gentry".

#3 - Baseball: Umpires would wear tall, black, furry hats, and be trained not to show any emotion under any circumstances. Also, no more cold beers and hotdogs for the fans. Instead, they could get a warm beer and a delightfully English kidney pie. Finally, replace the bases with wickets.

#2 - Professional Wrestling: Most of the outside-the-ring drama would be replaced with frank but witty round-table discussions of differences. The convenient weapons of choice, such as folding chairs and ladders, would be replaced with pieces of Stonehenge and Holbein's portrait of Henry VIII.

#1 - Hockey: All players would skate around holding their hockey sticks in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. Pinkies out. Goalies, in keeping with their special equipment requirements, would hold teapots in lieu of trappers. Bad teeth would stop being an unfortunate occurrence and become a strict requirement.
All the best.