The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The New York Yankees paid a $23.5 million luxury tax, directly to the Florida Marlins. The Marlins plan on using the money to compete with the Nationals for fourth place.
Barry Bonds appeared in court this week, wearing a suit with the biggest neck hole ever.
The Michigan State Spartans benched five players from the Champs Sports Bowl, due to various violations. Among the five were defensive standouts Jonal Saint-Dic and SirDarean Adams, who were benched for having silly names.
Speaking of silly names, in tennis, Dominik Hrbaty pulled out of the Australian Open, after injuring his elbow while trying to buy a vowel.
After a 9-16 start, the Bulls fired coach Scott Skiles. Hey New York Knicks: see how easy that was? In related news, the Miami Dolphins set their coach on fire.
Golfer Lorena Ochoa was selected the AP's female athlete of the year for the second year in a row, narrowly edging out Alex Rodriguez. Tom Brady won the AP's male athlete of the year, after impregnating half the judges.
And for the first time in four years, Michelle Wie did not receive one of the four sponsors exemptions to play in the Sony Open. This year, the tournament decided to give the exemptions to golfers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Bejing Olympic torch will make an appearance in Tiananmen Square, before being crushed by a tank.
Knicks coach Isiah Thomas has said that all of his players are "untouchable." Much like plague victims and lepers. Despite this, Thomas believes that the women in the organization are plenty touchable.
New Jersey Net Jason Kidd is having a child with his girlfriend. Kidd is excited to be credited with the assist.
Congress called a special hearing to tell Major League Baseball to crack down on steroids. Because they've really got that whole war issue wrapped up.
Sprinter Marion Jones has been sentenced to six months in prison. But with her speed, she'll be out in three.
And double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has said he will appeal his ban from competing in the Beijing Olympics. It's nice to hear he's still stumping for change. It's a nice gesture, but legally the guy doesn't have a leg to stand on. When reached for comment, Pistorious said, "arrrrr!"
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Detroit Lions fired offensive coordinator Mike Martz after going 1-7 in the second half. Martz was surprised as it was Detroit's best second half in ten years. The Detroit Lions had started the season 6-2 before suddenly remembering they were the Detroit Lions.
The San Francisco 49ers did not fire coach Mike Nolan, instead blaming their 5-11 season on global warming.
Marion Jones has asked a judge not to give her jail time, saying her disgrace was punishment enough. Which will set up a very convincing insanity plea. Yes, humiliation is a true substitute for jail time. Luckily for Jones, this is the same judge that ordered an armed robber to be publicly nooggied. In fairness, Jones was stripped of all of her medals. And there's no replacing those - except with the millions of dollars she got to keep.
Munich is a strong candidate for the 2018 Olympics. Because that went so well last time.
The New York Knicks are so bad, they're the forth best basketball team in the New York area, behind the Nets, the Liberty, and the NYU Violets. The Knicks are so bad that they make Miami look like they have a good team. A good football team.
And the Boston Celtics have the best record in the Eastern Conference. In fairness, most of their games are against teams in the Eastern Conference.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Maria Sharapova claimed that Women's Tennis is free from corruption. However, there are financial bonuses for grunting.
The already retired Martina Hingis has been inexplicably banned for two years for testing positive for cocaine. That'll show her. Officials learned of her cocaine problem after she snorted the service line.
New York Jets safety Kerry Rhodes is dating one of the team's offensive lineman. I'm sorry - he's dating Jennifer Hudson.
Grambling head coach Rod Broadway denied the rumor that he's leaving the school. He admitted, however, that he is named after a gay porn star.
The Dolphins fired coach Cam Cameron, just 16 games too late. The Knicks have already made an offer.
81-year-old Penn State coach Joe Paterno said he planned to honor his two-year contract. Mother Nature has yet to sign the deal.
Floyd Mayweather is mulling over a move to Mixed Martial Arts, and Roy Jones worked out with the New York Knicks. The two were no longer content with boring fans to tears in just one sport.
And Former All-Star pitcher Gerry Staley has died at the age of 87. The Yankees have since offered their condolences and a two-year contract.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The New York Knicks paid Anucha Browne Sanders $11.5 million to settle her lawsuit. Makes sense - the Knicks paying millions to someone who can't play basketball.
Wayne Huzienga says he'd be willing to sell the Dolphins, or trade them for a pro football team.
The 2012 U.S. Olympic track and field trials will be held in Eugene. A somewhat frazzled Eugene could not be reached for comment.
Alex Rodriguez said that he and agent Scott Boras are not speaking to each other. It may last the whole season, but A-Rod plans to cave in October.
Roger Clemens has denied he used steroids and said he'd love to meet his accuser face to oversized face.
In 2009, George Steinbrenner High School opens in Tampa and for the first time, Steinbrenner will be associated with the grossly underpaid. The school principal has already been fired four times.
Manny Ramirez's game-used do-rags are available for $26 on eBay. That's a bargain, considering the current price of oil.
And the New York Mets will raise ticket prices about 20% for next season. The Mets will use the extra cash to pay for all the steroids and losing. Thankfully, ticket prices will decrease by 7% over the last 17 games of the season.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
