Editor's Note: This is part of what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.
Editor's Note #2: For the love of all that's holy, please don't send me any hate mail. If you need to, ask me and I can give you Klondike's email address, phone number, home address, and/or license plate number.
#9: All sports, being inherently inequitable, could be eliminated entirely.
#8: Men and women could be integrated into a single team.
#7: Schools could segregate into men-only and women-only institutions.
#6: We could all just smile and nod, pat Title IX on the head, then ignore it and go about our business.
#5: We could redefine "sports" to include things like shopping, child-care, nagging, and feminine hygene.
#4: We could redefine "men" to include things like women.
#3: Every male player in every sport could tie a female player to his leg, in the manner of a three-legged race.
#2: A lottery could be held in each school. All members of the losing sex would undergo sexual-reorientation surgery.
#1: We could devolve as a species back into single-celled, asexual bacteria, where concepts like "sports" and "gender equality" are meaningless.
All the best.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Trade Rumors! Hooray!
With the trading deadline less than a week away , here's a quick look at trade rumors involving the favorite teams of some of this site's loyal readers. Thanks to MLB Trade Rumors, a very Gammonsesque source.
The Sox really want to improve their bullpen - why I don't know - with a guy like Akinori Otsuka of Texas or Chad Qualls of Houston. Boston was rumored to have scouts looking at Dodgers third base superprospect Andy LaRoche, but it is unclear who the Dodgers would want in return. Boston has wanted Bobby Kielty for a few weeks, and they may get him now that Oakland has designated him for assignment.
Looking ahead, the Red Sox may try to wine and dine Alex Rodriguez this offseason. That's what you call a slight improvement over Julio Lugo.
What are the Cubs still looking for? The first thing is another bat in the outfield, with names like Adam Dunn, Xavier Nady, Jermaine Dye, Jeff Conine, and Ken Griffey, Jr. The presence of Dunn, Nady, and Conine on that list may also indicate that the Cubs are looking a bat that can play first base when Derek Lee is out of the lineup. Conine was rumored to be dealt straight up for Jacque Jones, but with Jones' improved play that may not happen. The Cubs are also looking at the pitching being made available by the White Sox, notably Jose Contreras. Zach Greinke of the Royals is a wildcard name. He's still only 23 and can pop the upper 90s out of the bullpen, but don't close the book on him as a starter yet. Still, I imagine his price will be high.
The big thing the Indians are looking for is bullpen help. Specifically, they're looking at late-inning guys who can pitch the 8th in front of Joe Borowski, or fill in at closer if Borowski fails. The big name is Eric Gagne, but the Indians are not on the list of teams he wants to play for, and he wouldn't accept a "demotion" to setup man anyways. Octavio Dotel is another option, but Dotel is very popular and the Royals may set a high price because of that. The Indians are willing to trade prospects, but are not willing to trade can't miss guys like they did in the '90s with Brian Giles and Sean Casey. (The list of modern-day Caseys and Gileses includes Adam Miller, Franklin Gutierrez, and Ben Francisco. It may or may not include Aaron Laffey, who is rumored to make a showcase start later this week.) The darkhorse favorite among the blogging community is the very affordable and very effective Joaquin Benoit of Texas. The Indians are also looking at Jose Contreras, which is not a bad idea with both Clifford Lee and Jake Westbrook struggling.
Boston Red Sox
Their fans invade our ballpark, and now I have to lead off the article with them? For some reason, the Sox haven't found a spot for Wily Mo Pena's talent, so he's a name that comes up often. In return, Boston may try to get Octavio Dotel or Reggie Sanders. With the high price the Yankees are being asked for Mark Teixeira (see below), the Sox have become the frontrunner for the Rangers first baseman. Presumably, Kevin Youkilis would move back to third and Mike Lowell would find a new home. (Interestingly enough, Teixeira started as a third baseman but moved to first when blocked by Hank Blalock. But I doubt he'll move back to the hot corner at this stage in his career.)The Sox really want to improve their bullpen - why I don't know - with a guy like Akinori Otsuka of Texas or Chad Qualls of Houston. Boston was rumored to have scouts looking at Dodgers third base superprospect Andy LaRoche, but it is unclear who the Dodgers would want in return. Boston has wanted Bobby Kielty for a few weeks, and they may get him now that Oakland has designated him for assignment.
Looking ahead, the Red Sox may try to wine and dine Alex Rodriguez this offseason. That's what you call a slight improvement over Julio Lugo.
Chicago Cubs
The Cubs have already made some moves, shipping off Mark Barrett and replacing him later with Jason Kendall. Kendall brings veteran leadership, but his arm isn't what it used to, and the Cubs still don't have a receiver who can hit. They also shipped off Cesar Izturis and his contract to the Pirates to make sure Ryan Theriot and Ronny Cedeno get proper playing time.What are the Cubs still looking for? The first thing is another bat in the outfield, with names like Adam Dunn, Xavier Nady, Jermaine Dye, Jeff Conine, and Ken Griffey, Jr. The presence of Dunn, Nady, and Conine on that list may also indicate that the Cubs are looking a bat that can play first base when Derek Lee is out of the lineup. Conine was rumored to be dealt straight up for Jacque Jones, but with Jones' improved play that may not happen. The Cubs are also looking at the pitching being made available by the White Sox, notably Jose Contreras. Zach Greinke of the Royals is a wildcard name. He's still only 23 and can pop the upper 90s out of the bullpen, but don't close the book on him as a starter yet. Still, I imagine his price will be high.
Cleveland Indians
There was a rumor that the Indians were looking at Kenny Lofton, but that was quickly squashed. Lofton quickly becomes disgruntled when he can't play center or bat leadoff. In Cleveland, both of those jobs belong to Grady Sizemore. Lofton would have played left and hit second. Theoretically, hitting him leadoff with Sizemore second would be effective, but I don't see Eric Wedge doing that.The big thing the Indians are looking for is bullpen help. Specifically, they're looking at late-inning guys who can pitch the 8th in front of Joe Borowski, or fill in at closer if Borowski fails. The big name is Eric Gagne, but the Indians are not on the list of teams he wants to play for, and he wouldn't accept a "demotion" to setup man anyways. Octavio Dotel is another option, but Dotel is very popular and the Royals may set a high price because of that. The Indians are willing to trade prospects, but are not willing to trade can't miss guys like they did in the '90s with Brian Giles and Sean Casey. (The list of modern-day Caseys and Gileses includes Adam Miller, Franklin Gutierrez, and Ben Francisco. It may or may not include Aaron Laffey, who is rumored to make a showcase start later this week.) The darkhorse favorite among the blogging community is the very affordable and very effective Joaquin Benoit of Texas. The Indians are also looking at Jose Contreras, which is not a bad idea with both Clifford Lee and Jake Westbrook struggling.
New York Mets
The Mets are littered throughout trade rumors this July. It seems like everyone wants Lastings Milledge, or at least Carlos Gomez, so it will be interesting to see if the Metropolitans part with either of their young outfield talents. The White Sox have Jermaine Dye and Javier Vazquez, and the Southsiders have been looking for a centerfielder ever since trading away Aaron Rowand. (Coincidentally, they considered trying to reacquire Aaron Rowand earlier this year.) The Mets are looking at just about every reliever available on the market, including half of the relievers in the state of Texas. The Royals are asking for, surprise surprise, a centerfielder in return for Octavio Dotel. The Mets are also considering Chad Cordero, Akinori Otsuka, Salomon Torres, Brad Lidge, Dan Wheeler, and Chad Qualls. The Nats are asking for both Milledge and Mike Pelfrey for Cordero. The Mets are willing to trade Pelfrey if necessary, but he and Milledge are a lot to ask for in return for a guy who peaked last year and is already on the decline. But if the Nats throw Livan Hernandez in the deal, it starts to even out. Almost. Rumor has it that Lidge isn't available, but Wheeler and Qualls have been very popular names. The Mets may also try to pick up Mark Loretta from the Astros. Loretta has played all 4 infield spots this year, and he still hits well enough to be one of the best second basemen in the league. But the Mets may wait until the offseason and attempt to sign Luis Castillo. Reyes and Castillo up the middle and leading off the ballgame - imagine that combination! While we're looking at 2008, the Mets may attempt to dump Paul Lo Duca and add Ronny Paulino from the Pirates.New York Yankees
Predictably, the Yankees are after the biggest names on the market. That means Gagne and Teixeira of the Rangers. But the Rangers are asking Philip Hughes and Joba Chamberlain for Teixeira. Those are the Yankees' two top prospects, which means that if they got rid of them, they'd have to shut down their minor league system for lack of players. The Yankees need help at first base, and have tried to offer Scott Proctor for Oakland's Dan Johnson. Johnson doesn't really hit well enough to play first base, and that's when he's actually doing well. Yeah, he'll survive in the Bronx. Another option is Troy Glaus, who could play first and back up Rodriguez at third. Speaking of backups, Mark Loretta and Wilson Betemit have seen interest from the Yankees, but I'm not sure why that's news. The Yankees have also scouted White Sox starter Jon Garland. Other than that, they're looking to dump payroll. Bobby Abreu has lost motivation again, which is sad considering his talent. Proctor and Rowdy Kyle Farnsworth are names out of the bullpen that frequently come up in Yankees rumors.Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates are actually making some noise this July. They're openly trying to pry Jarrod Saltalamachia away from the Braves. Saltalamachia is blocked by Brian McCann in Atlanta, and the Braves seem reluctant to move him to first base despite a complete lack of production from that position this year. A lineup centered around Jason Bay, Adam LaRoche, and Salty would definitely be a step in the right direction for Pittsburgh. The Dodgers are also rumored to be offering Matt Kemp. Both the Braves and the Dodgers want starter Ian Snell. Considering the way Tom Gorzelanny has developed,that may not be too bad of a deal for the Buccos. There was also a rumor that the Blue Jays were interested in Jack Wilson, but I'm not sure why. The Jays are looking to upgrade offense at short, but Wilson has always been a defensive guy. Is he really that much of an improvement over John MacDonald? Toronto may have already changed its mind, but if this trade goes down, the Bucs may get Troy Glaus.Seattle Mariners
The M's are in position to make a push at the wildcard, and they're going to make a run for it. They're trying to unload Richie Sexson, but no one wants to pay $14 million for a guy who's hitting .197. Looking to upgrade offense, the Mariners are eyeing Jermaine Dye, Dmitri Young, and Ken Griffey, Jr. The M's already have three 1B/DH types in Sexson, Ben Broussard, and Jose Vidro, so one of those would have to go if Young was added. Not to say that Young wouldn't be an improvement over any of those guys, because he would. But he's certainly no outfielder or third baseman anymore (if he ever was a third baseman). To support Felix Hernandez, Seattle is looking at Dontrelle Willis, who the Mariners vehemently deny being available, and Livan Hernandez. Even if Willis was available, Florida president burned the bridge to Seattle by publicly bad mouthing the Ichiro signing. Hernandez, of course, could possibly be packaged with Willis for some young talent.
Labels:
Brad Lidge,
Cleveland Indians,
Trade Rumors
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Editor's Note: Looks like I had some catching up to do.
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Topps is producing insert cards that commemorate each one of Barry Bonds' career homers. If you put all 745 of them together, they're slightly smaller than the size of his head.
Speaking of big things, Tony Gwynn said he plans to enter the Hall of Fame like he batted: at around 330.
According to a new study, Yankee Stadium sells 30,000 hot dogs during each home game, and only half of them are to Jason Giambi.
Most of the players on the New York Mets shaved their heads. Nothing brings fans out to the park like a big group of skinheads with bats. In a related story, John Rocker is now a Mets fan.
The Brewers recently gave away two free tickets to any fan willing to undergo a free prostate exam. Management must be getting fans ready for what it will feel like when they collapse.
Update on the NHL playoffs: they're still happening. Yesterday, some team beat some other team. Even Canadians would rather watch baseball.
And the NBA has the highest ever percentage of minority executives in men's sports history. If you count Isiah Thomas as an executive.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Sammy Sosa is closing in on 600 home runs. To celebrate, he uncorked a new bat.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays played a three game series at Disney World in an attempt to increase their exposure in the Orlando area. Which makes sense, since they've always been a Mickey Mouse operation.
A recent survey of 464 Major League Baseball players named Barry Bonds the least friendly player in the game. On the positive side, it's the first time Bonds has won anything without cheating. And his approval ratings are still higher than George Bush.
The Phillies scheduled Danny DeVito to throw out a first pitch. It's the first time the mound dwarfs the man throwing off of it.
In football, Washington's Clinton Portis defended Michael Vick, saying dog fighting was not nearly as criminal as selling Redskins season tickets.
Another Cincinnati Bengal was arrested. Why should this night be different from all others?
Turning to basketball, Greg Oden wants to try out for the U.S. Olympic team this summer, assuming summer school ends in time.
Speaking of summer school, Phoenix Suns star Amare Stoudemire will take classes at Arizona State this summer. Unfortunately, the classes will not be in anger management.
And Michelle Wie is looking for another chance to make the PGA Tour. Unfortunately, her parents took away her Play Station.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Nashville Predators might be moving north now that they’ve been purchased by a Canadian businessman. It's uncertain as to whether anyone in Tennessee will actually notice. This is the biggest scam pulled on Nashville by a Canadian since Shania Twain's career.
Nike is resuming soccer ball production in Pakistan. Who better to make toys for five-year-olds than other five-year-olds?
Former NBA player Henry James has been sentenced to five years in jail after being caught dealing cocaine while his six young children were with him. Worst Bring Your Child to Work Day ever.
Memphis small forward Mike Miller is donating $1 million to help ill children. It's not as generous as you may think. Most of the children became ill after watching the Grizzlies play.
Gary Payton is leaning towards retirement. We’d prefer if he fell completely into it. Payton said he wants to spend more time at home trash talking with his children.
Dodger Stadium now has an all-you-can-eat section where fans can feast on Dodger Dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soda. The seats will attract both fat people in LA. And make the Dodgers more appealing to David Wells.
And Michael Vick is continuing to deny reports that he was at a dog fight. However, it was difficult to hear him over all of those dogs.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The University of Colorado has recently raised $125 million. The money will be used to bring the football program a higher caliber sexual assault victim.
FSN has reached an agreement to sublicense up to 10 college football games to Versus. The nation's fly fishing fans are furious. You remember Versus, don't you? It's the place where hockey went to die.
Detroit Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers is being accused of groping a stripper. Someone wants to get traded to Cincinnati.
Speaking of crime, the Sopranos series finale squashed Game Two of the NBA Finals. Viewers preferred to watch something they couldn't predict.
The Orlando Magic have signed Stan Van Gundy to coach the team. Billy Donovan applauded the club before changing his mind later on that day.
In golf news, 12-year-old Alexis Thompson qualified for the women's U.S. Open. Thompson now has as many Majors as Michelle Wie.
John Daly told authorities his wife Sherrie tried to stab him with a steak knife. Daly was thankfully able to defend himself easily while still finishing his t-bone. Thankfully Sherrie, like her husband, just missed the cut.
In other golf news, U.S. Open players are concerned about what many are calling golf's most perilous hazard: John Daly's wife.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Three-time boxing champion James Toney has tested positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when his head couldn't fit through the ropes.
USA Today reported that 48% of Americans have played organized basketball, and the rest have played for the Knicks. The paper also reported that 1% of French athletes 11-years-old and under have already used performance enhancing drugs. The others just drink wine like they're supposed to.
Enrique Iglesias just released a new album entitled "Insomniac." If you shared a bed with Anna Kournikova, you wouldn't want to sleep much either.
Dikembe Mutombo, Edgar Martinez and Kyle Petty were inducted to Boise, Idaho's World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Most overheard comment? "You've got a funny accent."
Speaking of humanitarians, Cavs forward Ira Newble recently met with 15 Darfur refugees living in Cleveland. That's the first time anyone has ever been excited to move to Cleveland.
Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was unable to practice after being shot in the groin with a paintball. Too bad he didn't get shot in a less sensitive part of his body, like his head.
The Yankees made history by signing two 19-year-old players from China's baseball association. It was mainly historical because the Yankees signed pitchers that weren't close to retirement. The Yankees were hoping to get another 38-year-old, but two 19-year-olds will do.
And speaking of young, Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes is in trouble again, this time for impregnating the 17-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. Dukes swears she looked 18 – which would make her the 18-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. And that's TOTALLY okay.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Jeff Gordon and his wife on their new daughter Ella. Ella will be sponsored by Dupont.
The NBA's Paul Pierce and Austin Powers star Verne Troyer got into an argument after Pierce addressed Troyer as "Mini Me." Luckily it was just a small argument, and ended shortly.
LeBron James has been appointed commissioner of The Bubblicious Ultimate Bubble Blowing League. Because no one knows more about having a bubble burst than LeBron James.
The NHL is hoping that new league wide uniforms will help boost interest in the sport. All five people watching on Versus will really appreciate the effort.
Many baseball fans are still talking about Sammy Sosa hitting his 600th career homerun. Enough already – put a cork in it. Congratulations Sammy – to think how many empty wine bottles that must have taken.
Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks suspects that two-time AL MVP Juan Gonzalez may have used steroids. Hicks also suspects that the earth may indeed orbit around the sun.
A monkey will throw out the ceremonial first pitch before an upcoming game at Fenway Park. She'll be the hairiest creature to take the mound in Boston since David Wells.
And a woman spent one million dollars on a conman pretending to be Pedro Martinez. The man was proven to be a fraud when it was discovered he could pitch.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Craig Biggio, who became the 27th major leaguer with 3,000 hits. And it only took him 3,000 seasons.
A group of New York Yankees went to visit injured Iraq war veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Because if there's anyone who knows about getting shelled, it's the New York Yankees.
Struggling Yankee reliever Scott Proctor tried to improve his fortunes by setting his equipment on fire. The Yankees are considering doing the same thing to Bobby Abreau.
In tennis, Roger Federer won his 50th straight match on grass. No one has played this well on grass since Ricky Williams.
The NFL has folded its European League after 16 years. Football fans in Estonia are crushed.
The Louisiana state legislature has voted to ban cockfighting. Looks like the Saints won't be playing the Falcons this year.
The Philadelphia Flyers have agreed to a $52 million contract with free agent forward Daniel Briere. To pay his salary, they'll be selling the franchise three times.
A couple in England gave their daughter 25 middle names, each the last name of a former boxing champion. It's the first time the birth certificate will weigh more than the baby itself. And the baby is already drooling and babbling like the best of them.
And Mike Tyson is livid that WBA Heavyweight champion Ryslan Chagaev is being called "the White Tyson" simply due to his similar physique. Chagaev apologized and promised that he'll also start eating babies.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Roger Federer, who tied Bjorn Borg's record of five straight Wimbledon titles without a personality.
The Knicks are currently trying to land troubled forward Ron Artest, because they're not already enough of a train wreck. Good thinking. Artest should really thrive in a quiet, sheltered environment like New York.
Kobe Bryant apologized to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak for his disparaging comments about the team. Great that they could sit down face to two-face.
Grant Hill has signed a two-year contract with the Suns. The contract will cost Phoenix $3.8 million in salary and $10 million in hospital bills.
Olympic leaders have voted to create a new Olympics for athletes aged 14-18. We have that already - it's called "the Olympics."
NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series and Red Horse team driver Aaron Fike was arrested on charges of possession of heroin. It's nice to see that NASCAR is finally trying to reach out to an urban audience. Red Horse Racing is considering changing its name to White Horse Racing.
Washington Nationals pitcher Jesus Colome has been admitted to a hospital with an infection to his right buttocks. The infection seems to stem from Colome getting it kicked too much.
And former major leaguer Jim Abbott has been inducted into the College Baseball Hall of Fame. I guess that's the sound of one hand clapping.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
In Nashville, DUI charges against former Titan QB Steve McNair have been dropped. Much like all the Titans passes.
The Carolina Panthers have signed Philippe Gardent, a former member of the French national bobsled team. Which is perfect in case the Panthers win it all, because Hell would have frozen over.
French long jumper Salim Sdiri was accidentally hit with a javelin at an athletics meet in Rome. Hey, hole in one!
In baseball, David Wells has been suspended seven games for arguing with an umpire. We're just happy Wells didn't eat him.
The New York Mets have designated 48-year-old infielder Julio Franco for assignment. To Shady Pines retirement home.
The Phillies became the first team in pro sports team to lose 10,000 games. Don't worry Raider fans, you've still got the only team to lose by 10,000 points.
Longtime major league umpire Shag Crawford has died at the age of 90. Dozens of managers assembled to kick dirt on his coffin.
Astros manager Phil Garner has said he's willing to use voodoo to get into the head of Cubs' right-hander Carlos Zambrano. Why bother? All Michael Barrett needed was his right fist.
Last weekend at the WNBA All-Star game, Nike donated $25,000 worth of merchandise to kids in DC. That's right - three pairs of shoes!
And NBA top pick Greg Oden will miss the next 3 weeks. Not because he's getting his tonsils removed, but because he's already fouled out.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Topps is producing insert cards that commemorate each one of Barry Bonds' career homers. If you put all 745 of them together, they're slightly smaller than the size of his head.
Speaking of big things, Tony Gwynn said he plans to enter the Hall of Fame like he batted: at around 330.
According to a new study, Yankee Stadium sells 30,000 hot dogs during each home game, and only half of them are to Jason Giambi.
Most of the players on the New York Mets shaved their heads. Nothing brings fans out to the park like a big group of skinheads with bats. In a related story, John Rocker is now a Mets fan.
The Brewers recently gave away two free tickets to any fan willing to undergo a free prostate exam. Management must be getting fans ready for what it will feel like when they collapse.
Update on the NHL playoffs: they're still happening. Yesterday, some team beat some other team. Even Canadians would rather watch baseball.
And the NBA has the highest ever percentage of minority executives in men's sports history. If you count Isiah Thomas as an executive.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Sammy Sosa is closing in on 600 home runs. To celebrate, he uncorked a new bat.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays played a three game series at Disney World in an attempt to increase their exposure in the Orlando area. Which makes sense, since they've always been a Mickey Mouse operation.
A recent survey of 464 Major League Baseball players named Barry Bonds the least friendly player in the game. On the positive side, it's the first time Bonds has won anything without cheating. And his approval ratings are still higher than George Bush.
The Phillies scheduled Danny DeVito to throw out a first pitch. It's the first time the mound dwarfs the man throwing off of it.
In football, Washington's Clinton Portis defended Michael Vick, saying dog fighting was not nearly as criminal as selling Redskins season tickets.
Another Cincinnati Bengal was arrested. Why should this night be different from all others?
Turning to basketball, Greg Oden wants to try out for the U.S. Olympic team this summer, assuming summer school ends in time.
Speaking of summer school, Phoenix Suns star Amare Stoudemire will take classes at Arizona State this summer. Unfortunately, the classes will not be in anger management.
And Michelle Wie is looking for another chance to make the PGA Tour. Unfortunately, her parents took away her Play Station.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Nashville Predators might be moving north now that they’ve been purchased by a Canadian businessman. It's uncertain as to whether anyone in Tennessee will actually notice. This is the biggest scam pulled on Nashville by a Canadian since Shania Twain's career.
Nike is resuming soccer ball production in Pakistan. Who better to make toys for five-year-olds than other five-year-olds?
Former NBA player Henry James has been sentenced to five years in jail after being caught dealing cocaine while his six young children were with him. Worst Bring Your Child to Work Day ever.
Memphis small forward Mike Miller is donating $1 million to help ill children. It's not as generous as you may think. Most of the children became ill after watching the Grizzlies play.
Gary Payton is leaning towards retirement. We’d prefer if he fell completely into it. Payton said he wants to spend more time at home trash talking with his children.
Dodger Stadium now has an all-you-can-eat section where fans can feast on Dodger Dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soda. The seats will attract both fat people in LA. And make the Dodgers more appealing to David Wells.
And Michael Vick is continuing to deny reports that he was at a dog fight. However, it was difficult to hear him over all of those dogs.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The University of Colorado has recently raised $125 million. The money will be used to bring the football program a higher caliber sexual assault victim.
FSN has reached an agreement to sublicense up to 10 college football games to Versus. The nation's fly fishing fans are furious. You remember Versus, don't you? It's the place where hockey went to die.
Detroit Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers is being accused of groping a stripper. Someone wants to get traded to Cincinnati.
Speaking of crime, the Sopranos series finale squashed Game Two of the NBA Finals. Viewers preferred to watch something they couldn't predict.
The Orlando Magic have signed Stan Van Gundy to coach the team. Billy Donovan applauded the club before changing his mind later on that day.
In golf news, 12-year-old Alexis Thompson qualified for the women's U.S. Open. Thompson now has as many Majors as Michelle Wie.
John Daly told authorities his wife Sherrie tried to stab him with a steak knife. Daly was thankfully able to defend himself easily while still finishing his t-bone. Thankfully Sherrie, like her husband, just missed the cut.
In other golf news, U.S. Open players are concerned about what many are calling golf's most perilous hazard: John Daly's wife.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Three-time boxing champion James Toney has tested positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when his head couldn't fit through the ropes.
USA Today reported that 48% of Americans have played organized basketball, and the rest have played for the Knicks. The paper also reported that 1% of French athletes 11-years-old and under have already used performance enhancing drugs. The others just drink wine like they're supposed to.
Enrique Iglesias just released a new album entitled "Insomniac." If you shared a bed with Anna Kournikova, you wouldn't want to sleep much either.
Dikembe Mutombo, Edgar Martinez and Kyle Petty were inducted to Boise, Idaho's World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Most overheard comment? "You've got a funny accent."
Speaking of humanitarians, Cavs forward Ira Newble recently met with 15 Darfur refugees living in Cleveland. That's the first time anyone has ever been excited to move to Cleveland.
Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was unable to practice after being shot in the groin with a paintball. Too bad he didn't get shot in a less sensitive part of his body, like his head.
The Yankees made history by signing two 19-year-old players from China's baseball association. It was mainly historical because the Yankees signed pitchers that weren't close to retirement. The Yankees were hoping to get another 38-year-old, but two 19-year-olds will do.
And speaking of young, Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes is in trouble again, this time for impregnating the 17-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. Dukes swears she looked 18 – which would make her the 18-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. And that's TOTALLY okay.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Jeff Gordon and his wife on their new daughter Ella. Ella will be sponsored by Dupont.
The NBA's Paul Pierce and Austin Powers star Verne Troyer got into an argument after Pierce addressed Troyer as "Mini Me." Luckily it was just a small argument, and ended shortly.
LeBron James has been appointed commissioner of The Bubblicious Ultimate Bubble Blowing League. Because no one knows more about having a bubble burst than LeBron James.
The NHL is hoping that new league wide uniforms will help boost interest in the sport. All five people watching on Versus will really appreciate the effort.
Many baseball fans are still talking about Sammy Sosa hitting his 600th career homerun. Enough already – put a cork in it. Congratulations Sammy – to think how many empty wine bottles that must have taken.
Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks suspects that two-time AL MVP Juan Gonzalez may have used steroids. Hicks also suspects that the earth may indeed orbit around the sun.
A monkey will throw out the ceremonial first pitch before an upcoming game at Fenway Park. She'll be the hairiest creature to take the mound in Boston since David Wells.
And a woman spent one million dollars on a conman pretending to be Pedro Martinez. The man was proven to be a fraud when it was discovered he could pitch.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Craig Biggio, who became the 27th major leaguer with 3,000 hits. And it only took him 3,000 seasons.
A group of New York Yankees went to visit injured Iraq war veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Because if there's anyone who knows about getting shelled, it's the New York Yankees.
Struggling Yankee reliever Scott Proctor tried to improve his fortunes by setting his equipment on fire. The Yankees are considering doing the same thing to Bobby Abreau.
In tennis, Roger Federer won his 50th straight match on grass. No one has played this well on grass since Ricky Williams.
The NFL has folded its European League after 16 years. Football fans in Estonia are crushed.
The Louisiana state legislature has voted to ban cockfighting. Looks like the Saints won't be playing the Falcons this year.
The Philadelphia Flyers have agreed to a $52 million contract with free agent forward Daniel Briere. To pay his salary, they'll be selling the franchise three times.
A couple in England gave their daughter 25 middle names, each the last name of a former boxing champion. It's the first time the birth certificate will weigh more than the baby itself. And the baby is already drooling and babbling like the best of them.
And Mike Tyson is livid that WBA Heavyweight champion Ryslan Chagaev is being called "the White Tyson" simply due to his similar physique. Chagaev apologized and promised that he'll also start eating babies.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Roger Federer, who tied Bjorn Borg's record of five straight Wimbledon titles without a personality.
The Knicks are currently trying to land troubled forward Ron Artest, because they're not already enough of a train wreck. Good thinking. Artest should really thrive in a quiet, sheltered environment like New York.
Kobe Bryant apologized to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak for his disparaging comments about the team. Great that they could sit down face to two-face.
Grant Hill has signed a two-year contract with the Suns. The contract will cost Phoenix $3.8 million in salary and $10 million in hospital bills.
Olympic leaders have voted to create a new Olympics for athletes aged 14-18. We have that already - it's called "the Olympics."
NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series and Red Horse team driver Aaron Fike was arrested on charges of possession of heroin. It's nice to see that NASCAR is finally trying to reach out to an urban audience. Red Horse Racing is considering changing its name to White Horse Racing.
Washington Nationals pitcher Jesus Colome has been admitted to a hospital with an infection to his right buttocks. The infection seems to stem from Colome getting it kicked too much.
And former major leaguer Jim Abbott has been inducted into the College Baseball Hall of Fame. I guess that's the sound of one hand clapping.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
In Nashville, DUI charges against former Titan QB Steve McNair have been dropped. Much like all the Titans passes.
The Carolina Panthers have signed Philippe Gardent, a former member of the French national bobsled team. Which is perfect in case the Panthers win it all, because Hell would have frozen over.
French long jumper Salim Sdiri was accidentally hit with a javelin at an athletics meet in Rome. Hey, hole in one!
In baseball, David Wells has been suspended seven games for arguing with an umpire. We're just happy Wells didn't eat him.
The New York Mets have designated 48-year-old infielder Julio Franco for assignment. To Shady Pines retirement home.
The Phillies became the first team in pro sports team to lose 10,000 games. Don't worry Raider fans, you've still got the only team to lose by 10,000 points.
Longtime major league umpire Shag Crawford has died at the age of 90. Dozens of managers assembled to kick dirt on his coffin.
Astros manager Phil Garner has said he's willing to use voodoo to get into the head of Cubs' right-hander Carlos Zambrano. Why bother? All Michael Barrett needed was his right fist.
Last weekend at the WNBA All-Star game, Nike donated $25,000 worth of merchandise to kids in DC. That's right - three pairs of shoes!
And NBA top pick Greg Oden will miss the next 3 weeks. Not because he's getting his tonsils removed, but because he's already fouled out.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Sunday, July 15, 2007
35 Years of Title IX
June 23 marked the 35th anniversary of Title IX. If you're not a sexist pig, be sure to check out the many interesting articles on these sites:
SaveTitleIX.com
TitleIX.info
SaveTitleIX.com
TitleIX.info
Labels:
Title IX
Monday, July 09, 2007
Ask Hal
Those of you who know me well know that my favorite sportswriter is, or was, Hal Lebovitz. It all started with his "Ask Hal" columns, where the former player/coach/scorekeeper/umpire/referee would answer questions sent in by readers. That's why I was excited when I heard his best questions and answers had been compiled into a book. It's also why I was even more excited - honored - when the fine people at Gray & Co. offered me a free copy for review.
Ask Hal: Answers to Fans' Most Interesting Questions About Baseball Rules from a Hall-of-Fame Sportswriter, as its subtitle suggests, is limited to baseball questions. But it's still the perfect addition to my personal library. In this book, Mr. Lebovitz has an answer to almost any baseball situation you can think of. Also included are two "quizzes": one set of "fair vs. foul" questions, and one set of "does the run count" questions.
Example: The book came to my house while I was away on vacation. At the College World Series, Sarah and I posed these brain teasers to each other:
I've always been a Hal fan, and a baseball fan who has taken pride in knowing the rules and knowing how to keep score. So it shouldn't be a surprise that I have nothing but praise for this book. If you're any sort of a baseball fan, chances are you'll love it to!
Fun Facts
Courtesy Gray & Co.
Years "Ask Hal" ran in Cleveland newspapers:
1957-2005
Estimated number of questions asked during the entire run of "Ask Hal":
175,000-200,000
Most frequently asked baseball rule question:
Readers asked to have the infield fly rule explained and clarified more than any other in baseball.
Most frequently asked non-rule baseball question:
Did anyone ever hit a home run into the bleachers at Cleveland Municipal Stadium? According to Hal, this was asked about 50 times a year, "and the answer is still, 'No.'"
More Information
Book Website
Press Release
Sample Pages
About the Author
Where to Buy the Book
Ask Hal: Answers to Fans' Most Interesting Questions About Baseball Rules from a Hall-of-Fame Sportswriter, as its subtitle suggests, is limited to baseball questions. But it's still the perfect addition to my personal library. In this book, Mr. Lebovitz has an answer to almost any baseball situation you can think of. Also included are two "quizzes": one set of "fair vs. foul" questions, and one set of "does the run count" questions.
Example: The book came to my house while I was away on vacation. At the College World Series, Sarah and I posed these brain teasers to each other:
- Name ten ways to reach first base.
- If a batted ball hits a baserunner while they are still standing on the base, are they out or safe?
- One out, runners on first and third. A fly ball is caught for the second out. The runner on third tags properly and scores. After that runner scores, the defense realizes that the runner on first did not tag, and they throw back to first base for the final out. Does the run count?
I've always been a Hal fan, and a baseball fan who has taken pride in knowing the rules and knowing how to keep score. So it shouldn't be a surprise that I have nothing but praise for this book. If you're any sort of a baseball fan, chances are you'll love it to!
Fun Facts
Courtesy Gray & Co.
Years "Ask Hal" ran in Cleveland newspapers:
1957-2005
Estimated number of questions asked during the entire run of "Ask Hal":
175,000-200,000
Most frequently asked baseball rule question:
Readers asked to have the infield fly rule explained and clarified more than any other in baseball.
Most frequently asked non-rule baseball question:
Did anyone ever hit a home run into the bleachers at Cleveland Municipal Stadium? According to Hal, this was asked about 50 times a year, "and the answer is still, 'No.'"
More Information
Book Website
Press Release
Sample Pages
About the Author
Where to Buy the Book
Labels:
Ask Hal,
book review,
Hal Lebovitz
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Top Eleven Ways Baseball Is Just Like Chess, In Increasing Order Of How Lame I Think It Is
by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient
Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.
#11: You can sacrifice players.
#10: People are constantly trying to figure out how to do things better with computers.
#9: To get the really good players, you usually have to go to a foreign country.
#8: It takes many individual, specialized "players" to play on each team.
#7: You don't need the body of an athlete in order to play the game professionally.
#6: You can always find a fan of the game that can recite all sorts of esoteric statistics that nobody cares about.
#5: Steroid usage is frowned upon.
#4: You can only travel in certain paths to get from square to square.
#3: Cheerleaders.
#2: Games can be played for as long as it takes, however excruciatingly long that might be.
#1: Nobody will play when it's raining.
Labels:
If Klondike ran sports,
Klondike
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Road Trip!
I'm going to (try to) live blog my big Midwest Barnstorming Tour on a separate site. Check it out here. Wish me luck as I head out today.
(Apologies to CPF for blatantly stealing his template.)
(Apologies to CPF for blatantly stealing his template.)
Labels:
Barnstorming Tour
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Top Twelve Ways Work Could Benefit By Being More Like Professional Sports, In Ascending Order Of How Much I Want Them
by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient
Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.
#12: Trophies and Recognition. If I sell the most widgets in my industry, then by God I want a trophy with a little bronze man on the top holding a widget high for the world to see. And I want my name in the Widget Hall of Fame.
#11: Mascots. Everybody in the office will get a morale boost after watching Wally the Widget's wacky hijinks.
#10: Pads. And I'm not just talking shin-guards. I want body armor, like a baseball catcher or a hockey goalie or anything football. The possibilities are limitless.
#9: Stadium-style concessions. Hot dogs, beer, Dippin' Dots, Cracker Jacks, and so forth. I want vendors walking the hallways, shouting their wares and tossing them to us as needed.
#8: A penalty box, with associated infractions. Take the last cup of coffee without starting a new pot? That's a two-minute penalty. Cross-check the guy from marketing? That's another two-minute penalty.
#7: A diligent team of personal trainers and physical therapists. You'll never have another muscle cramp again.
#6: The instant replay rule, with multiple slow-motion angles and appropriate in-depth analysis:
"As you can see, Carol, I actually did submit my expense report before the deadline."
#5: Shady recruitment practices:
"Why yes, I will take that Hummer. Weekend in Vegas? No problem. One free pass on steroid use? How thoughtful."
#4: Trading cards. These would include appropriate statistics, position information, and action shots on the back. Free pink-flavored piece of balsa wood with every pack. Rookie and hologram cards would be very rare and sought after.
#3: Cheerleaders.
#2: Play-by-play analysis and color commentary by veterans of the business:
"It appears, Tom, that he's going with the green laser pointer for the second part of his presentation."
"That's an interesting gambit, Joe. I haven't seen this technique since the Widget Design and Analysis overview of '04."
"Right you are. Let's see how it plays out for him."
#1: Multi-million-dollar contracts.
Labels:
If Klondike ran sports,
Klondike
Sunday, May 13, 2007
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
This week was the 70th anniversary of the Hindenburg crash. To commemorate the event, the Dallas Mavericks cleaned out their lockers.
The Yankees signed Roger Clemens to a one-year contract giving fans who set fire to their Clemens jerseys a chance to buy new ones. We look forward to next year, when we get to see which team Clemens retires from.
Across town, a fan has been banned from Shea Stadium after pleading guilty to shining a high-powered flashlight at a pair of players. Kansas City offered him season tickets, since the Royals haven't had a bright spot in years.
In another incident at Shea, a Mets fan filed suit after a 300-pound man fell on her at a game. It's the worst thing to happen to the Mets since Juan Samuel.
Phillies pitcher Freddy Garcia was injured in a collision with an equipment cart. This season, everyone is hitting Freddy Garcia.
HBO is producing a six-part miniseries about the 2004 World Champion Red Sox. Jimmy Fallon has already begun laughing on camera.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has touched on the possibility of a Super Bowl outside the United States. Assuming everyone's parole officers let them leave the country.
And Warren Sapp reported to Raiders Camp 50 pounds lighter and can now be weighed by conventional equipment. When asked how he did it, Sapp told reporters he skipped lunch.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
My Managerial Debut
Due to various, well, pregnancies, I almost wasn't going to have a coed softball team to play on this summer. That was, until F-Bomb and I decided to take charge of the team. Despite being a little last minute, we were able to secure a sponsors and (almost) enough players to put together a team. Once that was settled, I spent the next few weeks researching various thoughts on the defensive spectrum and lineup optimization. You think I'm joking. As I told Dave, it's like one of my EA Sports "people I know" dynasties, but in real life. Of course, there's also the human side of things, like scheduling, "egos," and the like. (In our case, though, most egos need to be inflated rather than deflated.)
The season opener finally came this past Tuesday. Starting Monday night, I was very fired up for my managerial debut. Of course, the league decided to antagonize my anxiousness by giving us the latest possible start time - 8:30. I struggled through work Tuesday, running over dozens of lineup combinations in my head. After I got home from work at 5:30, I immediately fired up Major League in my laptop. I figured there was no better way to mentally prepare for my debut.
Finally it was time to get dressed and make the long drive out to Westlake. I got there 30 minutes early, and was thrilled to see some of my teammates already there. I had too much on my mind to warm up, so instead I made sure everyone had a contact card filled out. The game before us ended at 8:20 (early? what?), and the umpires immediately yelled for lineups for our game. Great, we were still a girl short. I scribbled down a lineup based on some of the options I had prepared in Excel earlier that day. (Again, I kid you not.)
When it came time to take the field, we were still a girl short, and the umps were in no mood to be patient. I quickly reshuffled our defense, and tried to line myself up to cover the entire left side of the outfield against a lefty batter. Of course, the batter promptly hits the ball to the opposite field. As I drifted to my right, I realized I had taken a bad route, and watched the ball sail over my head. Turning back to recover it, I hit an uneven patch with high grass. I struggled to keep my balance, but it wasn't happening. Our season began with an inside the park home run and me flat on my face. Great.
Our final girl showed up a few minutes later. I was my usual uptight self, but fortunately I had F-Bomb in full robble robble mode to keep me in line. Highlights from the rest of the game:
Go Ironwood!
Oh, and I already have a great newfound respect for managers and coaches alike.
The season opener finally came this past Tuesday. Starting Monday night, I was very fired up for my managerial debut. Of course, the league decided to antagonize my anxiousness by giving us the latest possible start time - 8:30. I struggled through work Tuesday, running over dozens of lineup combinations in my head. After I got home from work at 5:30, I immediately fired up Major League in my laptop. I figured there was no better way to mentally prepare for my debut.
Finally it was time to get dressed and make the long drive out to Westlake. I got there 30 minutes early, and was thrilled to see some of my teammates already there. I had too much on my mind to warm up, so instead I made sure everyone had a contact card filled out. The game before us ended at 8:20 (early? what?), and the umpires immediately yelled for lineups for our game. Great, we were still a girl short. I scribbled down a lineup based on some of the options I had prepared in Excel earlier that day. (Again, I kid you not.)
When it came time to take the field, we were still a girl short, and the umps were in no mood to be patient. I quickly reshuffled our defense, and tried to line myself up to cover the entire left side of the outfield against a lefty batter. Of course, the batter promptly hits the ball to the opposite field. As I drifted to my right, I realized I had taken a bad route, and watched the ball sail over my head. Turning back to recover it, I hit an uneven patch with high grass. I struggled to keep my balance, but it wasn't happening. Our season began with an inside the park home run and me flat on my face. Great.
Our final girl showed up a few minutes later. I was my usual uptight self, but fortunately I had F-Bomb in full robble robble mode to keep me in line. Highlights from the rest of the game:
- Yes we were run-ruled, and yes we only scored some run, but there's some talent on this team. Look out.
- Our shortstop is a left-handed thrower, but he played fantastic defense to earn his spot.
- Speaking of defense, we still have some kinks to work out, but there's a lot of potential out there.
- Personally hitting was just as interesting as my defensive play. For my first plate appearance, I was leading off an inning. I was so preoccupied, I stepped into the box while the pitcher was still warming up... and promptly too a practice pitch square to the crown of my head. There's still a little "rug burn" from my hat on my forehead today.
- In my next at bat, I hit a trademark infield single. I beat this one out by more than a step, so either I'm getting faster, or the infielder bobbled it and everyone was too nice to tell me.
- After running out my infield single, I didn't have enough gas to make it to second when the girl following me hit a first-pitch grounder to third. I was easily thrown out at second, and on my way back to the dugout I was chided by our shortstop for not "accidentally" taking out one of the cute middle infielders with a slide. He had done a similar thing last year, and ended up with the girl's number.
- When the umps announced the end of the game, I told my team to "Shake hands and go drink!" Sounds like a great motto for this team.
I was afraid to do a Google image search of ball+face, but this isn't too bad.
Go Ironwood!
Oh, and I already have a great newfound respect for managers and coaches alike.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
NBA commissioner David Stern is thinking about adding several teams in China. Spud Webb can finally realize his dream of playing center.
Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas was seen getting cozy with model Tyra Banks at New York's Club 66. If that's what 33 wins gets him, imagine who he could be dating if his team was any good. Perhaps Thomas should be featured on her show, walking around the city in a Rangers uniform to see how a winning coach feels.
Speculation has increased that Heat forward Antoine Walker may retire, which is what we thought he did during half the games this season.
A new study suggests that more than 40 percent of NASCAR fans are women. The survey could be wrong, however, as differentiating between male and female hillbillies is often impossible.
Campbell's spent $58 million on ads for Chunky Soup last year. $56 million of that was spent on feeding Jerome Bettis in between takes.
Boxer Acelino Freitas quit in the ring for the second time. Evander Holyfield? Tommy Morrison? Are you paying attention?
Writers are saying the Mayweather Vs. De la Hoya megafight could return boxing to it's former glory. It will be so much like old times that neither one of them will get to keep any of the white people's money.
And Yankees' pitcher Chien-Ming Wang suffered a split nail on the middle finger of his throwing hand. Tragic, as that's the finger he needs to communicate with fellow New Yorkers. George Steinbrenner is livid, as there's nothing worse than having an injured Wang.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
FSN Northwest will not renew a broadcast deal with the Portland Trail Blazers. The network has decided to move away from amateur athletics.
Speaking of amateur athletics, the Boston Celtics severed ties with guard Sebastian Telfair after he was arrested with a loaded gun in his car. Too bad - Telfair was the only shooter on the team.
Lenny Wilkens has been promoted from vice chairman to president of the Seattle SuperSonics. Apparently, he was the fifth caller. Congratulations, Lenny - that's the equivalent of being promoted from 1st mate to captain on the Titanic.
In baseball, Milwaukee Brewers manager Ned Yost broke his collarbone while jogging. Thousands of midwestern sports fans plan on using the incident as an excuse to work out even less. A Brewer collapsing. Wow - is it July already?
Deceased running back Damien Nash's brain has been donated to science. What a blow to Pacman Jones, who has been waiting for a brain for some time now.
Parry O'Brien, the 3-time Olympic shot putter who founded the spinning technique, died at age 75. His last words were, "UUUGGGHHHH!!!" His ashes were spread at sea, precisely 75.3 meters from the boat.
And a man in jail for the last 25 years became the nation's 200th inmate to be set free because of DNA evidence. Also this week, O.J. Simpson had a great round of golf.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Monday, April 30, 2007
Ten Penalties That Need To Be Officially Recognized By Football Referees, in Increasing Order Of Severity
by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient
Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.
#10: Unspecified Error
Cause: Something definitely happened, but nobody really saw exactly what.
Signal: Exaggerated shoulder shrug.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the first infraction, 10-yard penalty for each additional infraction.
#9: Excessive Momentum
Cause: A team makes a series of good plays.
Signal: The running man dance.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty.
#8: Coach Bloviation
Cause: A coach enters the field shouting at the referee.
Signal: Talk-to-the-hand, with associated head movements.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the team, loss of a time out.
#7: End-Zone Lameness
Cause: A totally lame celebratory end-zone dance.
Signal: Jazz hands.
Penalty: 10-yard penalty, two-minute loss of JumboTron privileges.
#6: T.V. Delay Of Game
Cause: T.V. commercial break takes too long.
Signal: Knob-twisting motions with both hands.
Penalty: Loss of a T.V. Timeout.
#5: Illegal Hair Length
Cause: A player enters the field that has hair below the helmet line.
Signal: Slow-motion shampoo commercial hair flip.
Penalty: Loss of down, loss of hair.
#4: Illegal Gimmick
Cause: Team uses a gimmick to pull the train.
Signal: Drum-major high-step march in place, with associated baton movements.
Penalty: 15-yard penalty, loss of dignity.
#3: Illegal Victory
Cause: The wrong team wins the game.
Signal: Sweeping, frantic no-no-no hand-waiving.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty, loss of game.
#2: Sportsmanlike Conduct
Cause: Any overt act that suggests a player or team is superior to an opposing player or team.
Signal: Sit on ground, sob like a four-year-old.
Penalty: Group Hug, trophies for everybody.
#1: Divine Intervention
Cause: Deity performs a miracle that affects play.
Signal: Prostration.
Penalty: Purgatory.
All the best.
Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.
#10: Unspecified Error
Cause: Something definitely happened, but nobody really saw exactly what.
Signal: Exaggerated shoulder shrug.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the first infraction, 10-yard penalty for each additional infraction.
#9: Excessive Momentum
Cause: A team makes a series of good plays.
Signal: The running man dance.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty.
#8: Coach Bloviation
Cause: A coach enters the field shouting at the referee.
Signal: Talk-to-the-hand, with associated head movements.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the team, loss of a time out.
#7: End-Zone Lameness
Cause: A totally lame celebratory end-zone dance.
Signal: Jazz hands.
Penalty: 10-yard penalty, two-minute loss of JumboTron privileges.
#6: T.V. Delay Of Game
Cause: T.V. commercial break takes too long.
Signal: Knob-twisting motions with both hands.
Penalty: Loss of a T.V. Timeout.
#5: Illegal Hair Length
Cause: A player enters the field that has hair below the helmet line.
Signal: Slow-motion shampoo commercial hair flip.
Penalty: Loss of down, loss of hair.
#4: Illegal Gimmick
Cause: Team uses a gimmick to pull the train.
Signal: Drum-major high-step march in place, with associated baton movements.
Penalty: 15-yard penalty, loss of dignity.
#3: Illegal Victory
Cause: The wrong team wins the game.
Signal: Sweeping, frantic no-no-no hand-waiving.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty, loss of game.
#2: Sportsmanlike Conduct
Cause: Any overt act that suggests a player or team is superior to an opposing player or team.
Signal: Sit on ground, sob like a four-year-old.
Penalty: Group Hug, trophies for everybody.
#1: Divine Intervention
Cause: Deity performs a miracle that affects play.
Signal: Prostration.
Penalty: Purgatory.
All the best.
Labels:
If Klondike ran sports,
Klondike
Sunday, April 29, 2007
NFL Draft Review
What, original content?
Finally, a note that will hopefully serve as a preview for an upcoming ND baseball alumni update. Jeff Samardzija is doing well in the High A Florida State League, but has tough luck earning his first win. Meanwhile, Jeff Manship's numbers have been outstanding in the Low A Midwest League. Sure, he's playing in a lower league than Samardzija, but Manship's performance is still nothing to scoff at.
From the Cleveland Browns' Perspective
- It was a wild but successful first round for the Browns. Cleveland took OT Joe Thomas with the third overall pick, but they weren't done yet. After Brady Quinn was still around as of the 22nd pick, Cleveland traded their 2007 second round pick and 2008 first round pick to Dallas for the chance to draft Quinn. Fans and "experts" alike are hailing this as the day that potential puts the Cleveland Browns franchise back on track.
- It looked like the Browns were out of the second round, until GM Phil Savage swung another deal. After trading for a second round pick, the Browns picked up troubled DB Eric Wright. Wright is a first round talent, but a troubled past got him kicked out of USC. After that, he ended up at UNLV. When interviewed, Romeo Crennel pointed out that if Wright can stay trouble free in Las Vegas of all places for two years, his character shouldn't be much of an issue any more.
- Following Wright, the Browns picked up another cornerback and two defensive ends. The Browns are decent at corner when their players are healthy, but that's happening less and less these days. Both DEs are big enough to play the line in a 3-4, and will be the heir apparents to the aging Orpheus Roye.
- The Browns finished out their draft with Syndric Steptoe, a WR/returner. If Steptoe has an impressive training camp, he essentially replaces the departed Dennis Northcutt.
From Notre Dame's Perspective
- It was a long day for Quinn, but in the end it turned out well. Perhaps wisely, the Browns chose to strengthen their line with the #3 pick. (Someone related their previous first round picks to a sugar rush.) But after Miami took Ted Ginn at #9 (even Cleveland-area radio announcers thought that that was far too high for Ginn), no one else really needed a QB... until the Browns traded for the little kid in the Bernie Kosar uniform.
- Victor Abiamiri and Ryan Harris have found themselves in great situations. Abiamiri is going to the Eagles, where he will backup Jevon Kearse. Harris was drafted into the Broncos system, which has always turned out great offensive linemen. In what is perhaps not a coincidence, Denver usually employs "undersized" but agile linemen.
- Derek Landri was picked up by Jacksonville in the 5th round, a tribute to his "motor." It will be interesting to see what position the undersized Landri plays in the pros.
- In another feel-good move for ND fans, the Patriots drafted Mike Richardson in the 6th round. Richardson is a smart player who arguably could play safety as well as corner. This proves that Richardson was perhaps the most improved defensive player of the Charlie Weis era to date.
- The Bengals used two 7th round picks on Dan Santucci and Nedu Ndukwe. In a way, Santucci makes up for the loss of Eric Steinbach to Cleveland, while Ndukwe was no doubt drafted for his athleticism and potential.
- Perhaps surprisingly, neither Darius Walker and Rhema McKnight went undrafted. But by the time you read this, they will probably have signed with a team as free agents.
Finally, a note that will hopefully serve as a preview for an upcoming ND baseball alumni update. Jeff Samardzija is doing well in the High A Florida State League, but has tough luck earning his first win. Meanwhile, Jeff Manship's numbers have been outstanding in the Low A Midwest League. Sure, he's playing in a lower league than Samardzija, but Manship's performance is still nothing to scoff at.
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
This week marked the beginning of the NBA playoffs. Or as the Hawks call it: vacation time.
Elsewhere in basketball, Upper Deck Authenticated's new Kobe Bryant action figure is so realistic you can't even get the ball out of his hands.
Fox featured San Diego State alumni Mark Grace, Jeanne Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy on the same program. We're not sure what's stranger; the fact that all three broadcasters attended the same school or the fact that three San Diego State grads actually managed to find jobs.
Texas Rangers closer Eric Gagne is back on the disabled list, upsetting the one fantasy owner who picked up Eric Gagne. Gagne blames his newest injury on the rehab work he did at Walter Reed Army Medical Center
Cubs broadcaster Ron Santo is in the hospital while undergoing tests for an irregular heartbeat. What brought on the palpitations? Following the Cubs.
Detroit Tigers first baseman Sean Casey flew home recently to find his car up on cinder blocks with the windows smashed in. Authorities have ruled out Manny Ramirez, who is incapable of hitting anything.
Justin Timberlake announced that he'd like to play professional golf. Joey Fatone is excited, as he was looking for a new job caddying.
And the Indianapolis Colts visited the White House. President Bush was happy for the change of pace - meeting an offensive line instead of uttering one. Bush was presented with a #43 jersey, commemorating his status as America's 43rd president, as well as all 43 states.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Top NFL draft prospect Amobi Okoye admitted during interviews at the NFL combine that he has used marijuana. Teams are now wary of drafting him, as they now have to factor in the price of all those Cheetos.
Barry Bonds is continuing his pursuit of Hank Aaron. Let's hope all of this success doesn't go to his head. His massive, melon shaped head.
In basketball, Detroit Pistons guard Flip Murray says three gunshots were fired into his home by a pair of masked men. All three shots missed wildly, leading police to suspect that one of the shooters may have been Antoine Walker.
SuperSonics majority owner Clay Bennett has announced that Seattle will no longer have a basketball team beyond the 2007-08 season. The news shocked fans, who thought the Sonics stopped playing basketball in the late nineties.
Curtis Strange and Hubert Green have been elected to the World Golf Hall of Fame. The news was greeted by a very quiet and polite round of applause.
Friends report that reality star and wrestler Hulk Hogan has been quarreling nearly nonstop with his wife. Luckily no one has been hurt as all of their fights are heavily choreographed and planned out in advance.
David Beckham has been selected as the sexiest dad among a list of sexy entertainers and athletes. Former NBA star Shawn Kemp did not win, despite 75 of his children casting ballots.
And Nike took out a full-page ad in the New York Times thanking disgraced radio host Don Imus for bringing the issues of race relations and sexism to the forefront. The company also plans on throwing a parade for John Rocker. Imus' joke has also led to a lucrative book deal for the Rutgers coach Vivian Stringer. The book is tentatively titled, Acting for Beginners.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Kenya's Robert Cheruiyot, who won the Boston Marathon by outrunning the rest of the Kenyans. We're tired of Americans losing every marathon, and are starting our own. The course will be nine miles and can be driven.
Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano's girlfriend will be photographed for Maxim. Unless she gets injured first.
In basketball, Tim Duncan was given a technical foul and thrown out of a game for laughing at a call while on the bench. Officials feared for their safety as it's the first time Duncan has ever smiled.
Georgetown juniors Jeff Green and Roy Hibbert will submit their names for the NBA draft but will not sign with agents. That's great news for savvy NBA teams who are looking to sign the players for $15 a piece.
Turning to football, Minnesota Vikings cornerback Cedric Griffin was arrested at a night club for refusing to pull up his pants. Mr. Griffin, there is a time and a place for that kind of behavior, and that's on a cruise with the rest of your team.
Tennis star Andre Agassi hit wife Stefi Graf in the face with a tennis racquet during a charity event. Crazy what married people are into. In related news, Agassi ex Brooke Shields is no longer depressed.
And a 102-year-old woman has become the oldest golfer to ever record a hole-in-one. The woman was thrilled once she learned that she was golfing. She'll be even more thrilled when they tell her again in 20 minutes.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Denzel Washington's son will make his NFL Europa debut for the Hamburg Sea Devils. Well done, Jackie Robinson! Denzel said he is very proud of his son for making it as a European football player, and he's such a good actor that he said it convincingly, too.
In American football, Drew Bledsoe finally retired - from being benched. Unfortunately he's already being benched from retirement in favor of Jake Plummer.
Suspended Titan Pac-Man Jones was ringside for his best friend Zab Judah's fight with Ruben Galvan, mainly because he's got nothing else to do. Thankfully, the fight was not in Vegas. Now that the suspended Tennessee Titan has the year free, may we suggest he try his hand at acting. First audition? The Longest Yard-Part II.
More trouble from the Imus scandal as new tapes reveal that he also said the Rutgers women's basketball team was "from New Jersey."
And the Chicago Blackhawks will have the first pick in the NHL Draft. The Blackhawks plan on using the pick to draft a new franchise. Either that or to draft fans that care.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Snowstorms forced the Indians to play the Angels in Milwaukee. Fans at Miller Park were thankfully too drunk to tell the difference.
Elsewhere in baseball, Atlanta Braves pitcher Mike Hampton will miss his second straight season because of elbow surgery. Eric Gagne is suing for plagiarism.
Olympic sprinter Tim Montgomery pleaded guilty to conspiracy in a multi-million dollar bank fraud scheme. Too bad - Montgomery was planning to use the money to buy more steroids. Authorities plan on giving the sprinter five to ten years behind bars – if they can catch him.
The 300-pound, slow moving Florida manatee will be removed from the endangered species list and will instead play line for the Miami Dolphins. Although if he can pitch, the Padres are also interested.
A Slovenian man broke a world record by swimming down the Amazon River in 65 days, and is still furious with his travel agent. Americans would be more impressed if we could locate Slovenia on a map. Or the Amazon.
And UCLA's legendary basketball coach John Wooden has been hospitalized with a stomach problem. Doctors say the problem started after Wooden watched Yoakim Noah shoot a free throw. Doctors are optimistic, however. If Wooden survived the bling-bling era, he can probably pull through anything.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
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