Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Dave: Talking to Ellen, as I quite often do, I have come to the conclusion that there is always a lot floating around in her head. Crazy theories about the way the world works come at you from every conceivable angle. Of course, she has no inner monologue, so whatever she thinks, she says aloud. Trust me, I’ve heard it all. And it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t share it with you! I wrote this interview specifically to drag out all her theories for KankaNation to see. Most of these pertain to football, as she is a football genius. Other items are in here, as well. So without further ado, I give you……

"A Conversation with Ellen Fitzgerald"

D: How sketchy are offensive linemen?

E: Ok offensive linemen are totally the definition of sketchy. I mean you look in the dictionary under "sketchy" and it says "see also 'offensive lineman.'" Granted I'm not sure if this is true for just college or if it carries on to the pros too because Luke Petitigout is my super favoritest football player and he is an offensive lineman and he doesn’t seem sketchy. Although every time I interact with him I FREAK out and probably become more sketchy than all the offensive linemen on the Giants put together so that could out weigh it. But college offensive lineman are so strange. I had a bo bo jock class junior year with all of the quarterbacks and O Line and they were sooo weird. I'm talking Palmer, Molinaro, Godsey, all of them. They did the strangest projects like about hunting and stuff. They really are just dorks trapped in this huge body. I’m sure if they weren’t in college (only there because of football I mean hello can you say Brennan Curtain??) they would be stupid, fat, old men that scratch their balls and play stupid pranks on people. . .wait, that is what they do now. . .

D: Describe the perfect defensive football player.

E: If you want to be a successful defensive player in the NFL you have to have the name and the hair. It is totally about the name and they hair. You have to have the craziest name (not a fun name like Boobie. . that is for great running backs) that no one can pronounce and you have to have long dreds. If you have those two characteristics the skill will follow. Just look at any game. Who is making the big plays, intercepting the ball, etc. The fired up guys on defense with the crazy name and hair. I'm not actually sure if they really have skill or if the name on the back of the jersey first confuses the offense and the hair amazes them. Maybe it is the whole shock and awe thing. . .

D: Does Jimmy Johnson exist simply to make your life miserable?

E: God Damn f%#$& Jimmy Johnson. I hate that guy. Frekin’ ass clown. First he has to coach Miami. Grrrr. Then he goes and coaches the Dallas Cowboys in the early 90s. I mean hello first he is a big enemy of ND then he is a big enemy of the Giants. And to boot, people think he is super. Come one. First he is like 'ooh look at me look at me I am the coach of Miami." Big frekin deal, you take players right after they get paroled from prison. Then he is like "Look at me, look at me I’m the coach of the Dallas Cowboys. I have a man crush on Troy Aikman. He's soo cute!" Now he is like "Look at me, look at me I’m a sports caster." Sports caster my ass. At least Bob Davie accent is amusing. Can’t stand the guy. He needs to go away.

D: Greatest website ever: NDNation.com, KankaNation, or DavidGivens87.com?

E: This is totally not fair. I do pledge my allegiance to KankaNation. I mean I'm a KankaManiac 4 Life. For this reason I'm taking this one out of the mix here. NDNation is great especially during times of craziness, I mean I was TOTALLY addicted during the whole coach thing, but I think I'm not old enough nor do I have the right anatomy to claim that as a favorite. So we are going to talk about DavidGivens87.com. If you are having a bad day, that website is an automatic pick me up. I'm laughing just thinking about it. I don't know even where to start. First of all, Kim Dunbar, the most scandalous person associated with ND, is basically the staff for the site. Then, the content. So funny. I think the best is the list of DGiv's places he wants to go: The planet Saturn, The Bermuda Trapezoid (yes I said trapezoid, not triangle), Ancient Eqypt. I’m on the list to be notified when the fan club starts.

D: True or false: you discovered Urban Meyer years ahead of the bandwagon.

E: I’m totally ahead of the pack with so many things. I mean hello, wasn't Jesse Palmer on my love ranking BEFORE he was named the Bachelor? I liked him before the rest of the country because he was Billy's brother. Grrrr. So yes, I knew the greatness of Urban Meyer for years. I worked with him a bit at ND then followed him televisionally (I made up that word) after that and said he was on his way here. Well I’m not going to comment on that anymore because it is water under the bridge and he is dead to me. Dead to me I tell you!

D: What is the best method for recovering a fumble?

E: I don't know if all the football players out there realize this, but you don't really have to recover a fumble. All you have to do is have all the other players point. It is a proven fact (I really have yet to be proven wrong) that the team who points the most gets the ball. I think it is because the ref is scared. I mean come on, if you are this puny little man that most people on the field dislike would you want to upset them more by going against popular opinion? So yeah, you fumble the ball, you make sure your team points like crazy, not crazy like Chad Pennington gesturing that he got a first down, but at least a lot.

D: How could Notre Dame better utilize its relationship with Holy Cross College?

E: Notre Dame has the PERFECT situation with Holy Cross College. It is a school loosely affiliated with ND right across the street full of kids that would love to go to ND if they were able to. You know what that smells like to me? A Juco. Yes that is right, ND's very own junior college. Here's what we do, we find athletes that we want but don’t have the grades to make it into ND. We have them enroll at HCC (see even the initials make it sound like a community college), make sure the priests over there inflate their grades, then have them transfer. And see, bada big, bada boom, they get into ND "on their own accord" and beef up our sports teams. It is brilliant I tell you! I have no idea why we haven’t done anything like this in the past.

D: Give your review of the movie "Troy."

E: That movie really pissed me off. I really want a refund. I went to the theater expecting a half way intellectual film and I was totally wrong. I mean poor Virgil and Homer are probably rolling over in his grave from the liberties they took with the script. I mean come on, you just don't change certain things. I mean if you were going to write a movie based on a book, especially books that are like a freakin' million years old, you just don’t change things. I mean they completely negated the roll of the gods in the film which is a big no no. There are too many errors to mention, but I weep, I weep for those dummy writers. I mean I just wanted to scream in the theater, and you know what, I may have. Like when I head some of the stupid shit that Bob Costas (who I used to love) said during the Olympics. I mean he got the whole story about how Athens was named wrong! I blocked out his stupid answer but Athens was most definitely named after the Greek goddess Athena. Zeus had a contest between her and Poseidon to see who would become the patron god of the city. They each had to give a gift to the city; Poseidon gave them a salt water spring (he is the god of the ocean) and Athena gave them an olive tree. The olive tree, which is very useful, won out over a useless salt water spring and Athena won the city of Athens. I've been meaning to write him a stern letter. . .

D: Rank the following in order or cuteness: Don Zimmer, Pope John Paul II, Joe Paterno, Ara Parseghian.

E: Totally not fair again since they are all cute and old. Obviously the Pope wins because he is, hello, the pope, the king of the cute old priests. Where is Father Hesburgh on here? He would be a #2. If I had to rank after the Pope it would have to be Ara because he is ND affiliated, Joe Paterno because he is so fired up, and Don Zimmer because he is cute, old, fat, and not afraid to come to fisticuffs with a buff ball player.

D: If you had a Heisman vote, what would be your criteria?

E: Ok we need to remember what the Heisman award is for. It is for the BEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL ATHLETE. It is not for the best quarterback, there is a separate award for that. So people have got to stop picking the best team out there, then picking the QB from that team to get it. Yeah, I know every so often they throw in a running back, but what about an offensive tackle or a nose guard? It is just like the Super Bowl MVP award. Always goes to the winning team’s QB. That is totally not the best player out there. Try giving it to someone in the secondary this year. I mean seriously, say the Eagles win the Super Bowl, God forgive me for even hypothesizing, they just give the MVP to Donovan "look at me I got my momma on tv" McNabb? I think not. And honestly, do you really think Matt Leinhart is the best player in college football. Even Reggie Bush is better, not that I belive anyone who would play for Mr. Cheerleader himself Pete Carroll is any good. Get a clue boys, he couldn’t win on Sundays and neither will you if you play for that ass clown.

Word association:

  • "football" (said Bob-Davie-style): I ‘preciate that. . .hehehehe. What a fun guy to work for.

  • Jeff Hostetler: Evil, evil man with a bad, bad, pimpstash. He took away Phil Simms glory. He is a freakin' second rate QB that I hated for over a decade. If I saw him on the street I would throw batteries at him.

  • Your face: I hate you

  • Kanka: I miss Kanka, I wish he was here, wait that is what Dave would say. . .I LOOOOVE Kanka. He totally needs to move here.

  • Offensive pass interference: I don’t believe in it. It is the dumbest rule out there. I mean seriously why should it exist? The quarterback is throwing the ball to his receiver. It is not meant to go to the defense. The offensive guy should and should be able to do anything in his power to get that ball. Sanctity of the game, folks. If we continue to have rules like this soon the NFL will be the NFFL (National Flag Football League)

  • Bill Parcells as a Cowboy: The Dark Years. He is currently in the Dark Years. The only reason I acknowledge his presence is because he has Julius. But seriously, how could he coach for them. They were the Giant’s biggest rivals when he was there. He went to the dark side. I mean it is like if Holtz showed up at Miami instead of South Carolina. You just don’t DO those things!