The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Suspended NASCAR driver Aaron Fike admitted that he shot up heroin on some race days. The news shocked the NASCAR world, since their drug of choice is usually Schlitz. Or meth.
China has uncovered a plot by members of a Muslim extremist group to sabotage the Beijing Summer Olympics. Take that Muslim extremists! China already beat you to it.
Brett Favre suggested he may return to the Green Bay Packers, but only if Aaron Rodgers goes down with an injury. In a related story, John Madden was spotted atop Rodgers' staircase with hundreds of tiny marbles.
And New Knicks President Donnie Walsh wants Isaiah Thomas to explain the team's dismal performance. Thomas is planning to give Walsh a copy of the biography of Isaiah Thomas.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Miami Heat will play several preseason games in Europe next October, in order to show foreign fans that absolutely anyone can play professional basketball. Miami fans are hoping that the team stays there.
Former NBA player Isaiah Rider must appear in court next month after being arrested for driving a stolen car. It's the best thing to happen to someone named Isaiah all season.
The Dallas Cowboys are continuing to pursue Pacman Jones. Their latest offer includes a seventh round draft pick, a player to be named later, and thousands of tiny power pellets.
And injured Brewers pitcher Chris Capuano has decided to opt for rehab over surgery. It's either that or play for the Brewers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Two cheetahs were captured in Florida after attacking the owner of a wildlife sanctuary. When he heard that two Florida cheetahs were put behind bars, Bobby Bowden instinctively posted bail.
New Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez is emphasizing that he'll run a family program. We imagine it will be something like the Menendez family.
Pacman Jones is closer to signing with Dallas. He's so close, the Cowboys cheerleaders are now wearing raincoats.
Minnesota Twins fans are preparing for yet another disappointing season after briefly flirting with success. These Twins have failed so many times, they may change their name to the Minnesota Mary Kate and Ashley Olsens.
And over 115,000 people watched a Red Sox/Dodgers exhibition game at the L.A. Coliseum. In order to see that kind of attendance again, the Dodgers will play their next home game in Paris Hilton's bedroom.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Tampa Bay Lightning have landed the No. 1 pick in the NHL's draft lottery. It's like winning the real lottery, only without the glamour, excitement, or will to live.
Andy Roddick is planning to marry 20-year-old model Brooklyn Decker. Be careful Andy - just when you really grow to love her, she'll move across the country and become Los Angeles Decker.
Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter left a game against the Tampa Bay Rays with a strained left quadriceps. Luckily there's no shortage of women willing to nurse him back to health.
Federal authorities are investigating a former Cowboys offensive lineman for allegedly distributing steroids. The top cops hope to wrap up the case shortly so they can return to their regular job of keeping an eye on the Cincinnati Bengals.
And Michael Vick is reportedly playing quarterback for his prison football team. It's certainly preferable to playing tight end.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Chinese President Hu Jintao presided over the re-lighting of the Olympic torch in Beijing. Thankfully, no Tibetans were set on fire.
Australian Olympic swimmer Nick D'Arcy was charged Monday with assault following a nightclub altercation in Sydney. Apparently swimming isn't the only thing he does like a fish.
In an embarrassing loss to the Celtics, the Miami Heat scored just 17 times from the floor while racking up just 62 points. On the positive side, the WNBA has expressed interest in adding the Heat as an expansion franchise.
And commissioner Bud Selig has confirmed that Major League Baseball is hard at work on a more reliable HGH test. The league will be flagging any player who looks their bobblehead doll. Whatever the new test is, it will probably be more rigorous than Selig's last test, which consisted mainly of multiple choice.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
In an effort to get leaders to boycott the Olympics opening ceremony, protesters will try to disguise the invitations as Miami Heat tickets. The Olympic torch just made its way to San Francisco. It's the first time in history when the city protested anything that was flaming.
Patrick Ewing said he'd like to see former teammate Mark Jackson coach the Knicks. We had know idea Patrick Ewing hated Mark Jackson.
NBC is close to a deal to cover the NHL next season. With a body bag.
And Tiger Woods signed Chevron to be the new title sponsor of his holiday tournament. The winner will now have a choice between $5 million or a tank of super unleaded.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Red Sox finally finished their three-nation road trip that logged 16,000 miles. If they traveled around anymore, they would have changed their name to the Boston Kenny Loftons.
North Carolina junior Tyler Hansbrough has been named the AP's college player of the year. Hansbrough was so excited about the news that he nearly blinked.
The injured Yao Ming may consult Chinese tradition to heal his foot, by incasing it in led.
And Knicks chief James Dolan is offering free food and soft drinks to everyone who attends New York's final home game. Fans should be leery, however, as the Knicks have been known to cause indigestion. If Dolan's food plan doesn't work, every tenth fan to attend next year's opener gets to play point guard.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The New York Knicks officially announced the hiring of Donnie Walsh this week. Walsh's alcoholism will begin next week.
A grassroots effort is close to getting Wilt Chamberlain on a commemorative U.S postage stamp. It's the perfect way of honoring a man who has already been licked by thousands of Americans.
NBA stars Luol Deng and Ben Gordon have announced their intention to play on England's national team. Now all they have to do is find ten other people in the country who play basketball.
San Diego Padres pitcher Trevor Hoffman earned his 525th career save in a victory over the Astros. Hoffman is second on the list of all-time saves, behind Jesus.
And Barack Obama bowled a 37 this week. A politician hasn't spent that much time in the gutter since Elliot Spitzer.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
BALCO founder Victor Conte is reportedly writing a book. The first draft was only 5 chapters, but Conte knows a guy who can beef it up.
Pedro Martinez left his first start with a leg injury. That pop everyone heard wasn't his hamstring. It was Johan Santana's back as it adjusted to the weight of the team.
Wrigley Field's new statue of Ernie Banks is displayed so most fans can see it from any point in the ballpark. And if they're wearing authentic Harry Caray glasses, they can see it from space.
The Pacers' Jermaine O'Neal returned versus the Miami Heat this week. We cannot confirm this since no one here wanted to watch the Pacers play the Heat.
And Dolphins standout Jason Taylor continues to impress on Dancing With the Stars. Probably because with the way things are going in Miami, he needs something to fall back on.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Olympic torch arrived in Kazakhstan amid tight security. The extra police effort was necessary since it was the first time many people there had seen a technology as sophisticated as fire.
Injured Olympic equestrian Darren Chiacchia was moved to a Buffalo hospital to begin the next stage of his rehab. If that doesn't work doctors will take him behind the barn and shoot him.
Cleveland Browns defensive back Kenny Wright was arrested after leading police on a quarter-mile foot chase. The Browns might cut him, but the Bengals want to sign him to replace Chris Henry.
And a Penn State basketball player is facing charges for pleasuring himself in the school library. At first we didn't believe the story - it's been a while since a Penn State basketball player was in a library. He might represent himself - he's clearly got the ability to get himself off.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
