Thursday, April 03, 2008

Ten Things I'd Rather Do Than Play Golf, In Increasing Order Of How Much The Reason Compels Me

#10: Sleep
Several hours of unconsciousness, possibly accompanied by extended hallucinations, sharpens the mind and refreshes the body. Golf is the antithesis of sharpening the mind and refreshing the body.

#9: Eat A Bug
Bugs are high in protein. Golf has very little nutritional value.

#8: Knit A Sweater
Both golfing and knitting are excruciatingly long and monotonous activities. When I'm done knitting, though, hey! I have a sweater! When I'm done golfing, all I've done is die a little bit inside.

#7: Jumping Jacks
Jumping jacks are about as useless and silly-looking as your average golfer, but at least I get my heart rate up.

#6: Yell
One of the last things I ever want to deal with is a dumpy guy waving a "quiet, please" sign in my face and doing that thing with his hands. Hey, pal, I'll yell if I want.

#5: Drink
Knock back a gin & tonic and I've helped protect myself against malaria. Scurvy, too, if I eat the lime. Meanwhile, golfing is all about dehydration, loose teeth, and mosquito bites.

#4: Cut Off A Frostbitten Toe
Hey, I've got nine more, and it will always make for a great story afterwards:
"Yeah, man, after getting knocked overboard while fishing the gulf of Alaska during hurricane-force winds, they had to cut off my toe with a filet knife. No drugs, just a bottle of whiskey and a stick to bite down on."
What kind of story do you get from golfing?
"I knocked a ball in a hole today."

#3: Spend Time With A Lady Friend
What does golf have to offer here? A bunch of dudes in goofy pants and no cheerleaders. Come on.

#2: Get A Tooth Pulled
The benefits of good dental hygiene cannot be understated. If you have a bad tooth, it's a relatively straightforward matter to get it yanked. You might even get to huff some nitrous oxide. With golf, however, the piercing agony is all in the mind, and there is nothing to kill the pain.

#1: Lose At Checkers
At least the game was over in a reasonable amount of time, and the only checkered pattern was on the game board.
"Hey, good game, I was totally outmaneuvered."
. . . is a more interesting concession speech than . . .
"Hey, way to get your ball in the hole before I, in a completely unrelated series of events, could do so myself."