The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Yankees unearthed a Red Sox jersey that a construction worker hid in the new stadium's concrete. The jersey was buried so low, they had to dig past A-Rod's playoff batting average.
Broncos wideout Brandon Marshall cut a deep gash in his arm. Were he on the Dolphins, it probably would have been his wrists.
The Olympic torch will be in Africa for two days. It's a short run, but if it stayed any longer in the continent, Angelina Jolie would adopt it.
A new batch of emails suggests the Seattle SuperSonics may have been talking to Oklahoma City as early as 2007 about possible relocation plans. Wow. We didn't even know Oklahoma City had email in 2007.
And three people were injured before a game between the Minnesota Timberwolves and Memphis Grizzlies when a section of the stands at FedExForum collapsed. The incident was particularly unfortunate since they were the only three fans in attendance.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
Marion Jones' teammates were punished when the IOC stripped their relay gold medals. In a related story, Barry Bonds' teammates might have to forfeit their participation ribbons.
The ball from Barry Bonds' homerun #762 sold for $376,000. Unfortunately the ball will come with an asterisk that denotes the amount is in US Dollars.
Milwaukee Bucks forward Desmond Mason said his team needs to work on their chemistry. Based on the way the Bucks have been shooting, they may also want to work on their physics.
Browns wide receiver Joe Jurevicius has become the sixth Browns player in four years to suffer a major staph infection. At least the Browns are finally leading the NFL in something.
And Minnesota Vikings great Carl Eller has been charged with assault on a police officer, impaired driving and making terrorist threats. Or as the Bengals call it, Tuesday.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait
The Atlanta Hawks have made the playoffs. Atlanta fans cheered when they heard the news while watching a Braves game.
Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain has left the team to be with his ailing father in Nebraska. Hopefully his father will feel better once he stops watching the Yankees.
Pacman Jones said he applied for reinstatement. We're shocked at his announcement. Four syllables in one word? That's impressive. As with anything associated with Jones, the message was delivered by armed courier.
And the Oklahoma State Legislature has approved an incentive package to help lure the SuperSonics to Oklahoma City. The package passed by a vote of 66-32, which is usually what the Sonics are losing by at halftime.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The former owner of the Seattle SuperSonics is suing the current ownership to get the team back. The team is also getting sued by every sports broadcaster who has a lisp.
Minnesota forward Antoine Walker wants to be traded to a team that will give him significant minutes. The New York Liberty have expressed interest.
Hershel Walker has admitted that he suffers from multiple personality disorder. Makes sense – he's a black man with a Jewish name. Suddenly, a 5 for 1 trade doesn't sound so lopsided.
And Tom Brady has allegedly proposed to his longtime girlfriend, Giselle Bundchen. Perhaps he can borrow a ring from the Giants.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Pope Benedict XVI held a mass for 46,000 worshippers at the new Nationals Park in Washington D.C. He was such a big draw, the Nationals have asked him to stay and play left field.
Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada admitted to being 33, two years older than previously thought. Tejada's confession came just in time, as the team was about to cut him open and count his rings. And considering he'd been playing for Baltimore and Oakland, he doesn't have any rings.
The Atlanta Hawks are playing against the Boston Celtics in the first round of the NBA playoffs. Those playoffs are taking place in 1998.
And Isiah Thomas was fired as the Knicks head coach. There's no joke here, we just think that's awesome.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Tiger Woods will be out for at least a month after a minor knee operation. Only ten more surgeries and he'll break Jack Nicklaus's record.
The post Isiah Thomas Knicks aren't in the clear yet - they are already committed to paying over $177 million over the next three years. And that's just to Anucha Browne Sanders.
Kenny Chesney took batting practice with the Baltimore Orioles. The country music star looked entirely out of place since he's actually had a few big hits.
And the Yankees grounds crew did a terrific job of preparing the stadium for the Pope's visit. They even dug up two feet of concrete after hearing someone buried a Red Sox yarmulke. The team is hoping that the Pope can return to the Bronx while they're home, so he can give Last Rites to their pitching staff.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
New England Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss is writing his life story. He's only written two chapters and already he's finished an entire box of crayons.
Golfer Colin Montgomerie married his longtime sweetheart over the weekend in what reporters labeled the number one Scottish social event of the year. The second most popular event involved a bottle of Scotch and a couple of sheep.
Denver's team bus caught fire on the way to their playoff game against the Lakers. It's the hottest the Nuggets have been in a month.
Sega, Omega, and McDonald's have finalized endorsement deals with Olympic sprinter Tyson Gay. The contracts make him the highest paid Gay man in America since Tom Cruise.
And the third period of a Minnesota Wild-Colorado Avalanche playoff game on Versus was cut off for a Victoria Principal makeup infomercial. And the ratings actually went up.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The New York Knicks admitted that Mark Jackson is on their wish list. Also on their wish list? A time machine.
Pro Bowl defensive end Jared Allen has been traded from Kansas City to the Minnesota Vikings. Allen is looking forward to his chance to be involved in a sex scandal.
John Smoltz has become the 16th player in major league history to join the 3,000 strikeout club. Or the 17th if you count Reggie Jackson.
A new report suggests that the Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series. No word yet on their excuse for the last 90 years.
And Jose Canseco spent more than three hours with federal agents discussing the alleged steroid use of Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada and Alex Rodriquez. It's the longest Canseco has ever gone without talking about himself.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The Titans have finally agreed to trade Pacman Jones to the Cowboys. Dallas's strippers are thrilled.
The Dolphins will select Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long as their number one pick. Miami officials called the selection a no-brainer, which is exactly how much brain they've used on the rest of their personnel decisions.
Michigan offensive lineman Justin Boren will transfer to Ohio State, where he will then change his name to Judas Benedict.
NBC has extended their deal with the NHL through the 2008-2009 season. Because they had eight dollars.
And fresh off defeating 43-year-old Bernard Hopkins, Joe Calzaghe is planning to fight 39-year-old Roy Jones. If that fight falls through, he'll be digging up Sugar Ray Robinson.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Mavericks forward Josh Howard openly discussed his off-season pot use, before explaining to reporters how to sync up game film with "Dark Side of the Moon."
Nuggets coach George Karl is reportedly on the radar of Knicks president Donnie Walsh. Of course, at 250 pounds Karl is on everyone's radar. Walsh would have hired him already, but he’s waiting for Karl to get swept out of the playoffs before deciding that he’s qualified to coach the Knicks.
Floyd Mayweather Jr. will wave the green flag at the Indy 500 just weeks after an appearance with WWE. Racing and wrestling? If he learns how to fish, he'll officially move from welterweight to Foxworthy joke.
And a golfer in Iowa hit two holes-in-one in the same round but said that he's not a lucky person. Evidenced by exhibit A: living in Iowa.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The University at Buffalo's top basketball player has been suspended indefinitely for posting an online ad offering to pay someone to write a paper. The school was livid, since they would have done it for free.
An umpire was knocked unconscious when a 96-mph fastball hit the right side of his jaw. The ump was so rattled, he began actually making quality calls.
Larry the Cable Guy took batting practice with the Milwaukee Brewers. It's the first time all season that Prince Fielder looked svelte.
And new reports suggest that Roger Clemens had a decade-long relationship with country star Mindy McCready that began when she was 15 years-old. And he seems like such an honest guy. Clemens said he did not, but if he did have a relationship with a 15-year-old, she was provided to him by Brian McNamee.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Notre Dame is considering shedding its independent status and joining the Big Ten. It would be a huge move for the school given that the only organization they looked fit to join last year was Pop Warner.
Barry Zito has actually been demoted to the bullpen by the San Francisco Giants. Zito said if he felt anymore useless, he'd be the extra-point kicker for the 49ers.
A man bought his 7-year-old son a Mike's Hard Lemonade at a Detroit Tigers game, not realizing the drink was alcoholic until much later. In a related story, Roger Clemens now claims that he merely asked his trainer for some juice.
The Hawks shocked the Celtics by winning their second consecutive game in their first round series. The last time Atlanta put up this much resistance was the Civil War.
And the Lakers inched one step closer to the NBA Finals by sweeping the Nuggets. Kobe Bryant was especially ecstatic afterwards since the last time he got a ring it cost him $4 million.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Alex Rodriguez is on the DL with a strain of his quadriceps classified as Grade 2. That makes the strain better educated than half his teammates.
Veteran NFL official Ed Marion died at the age of 81. His family tried to bury him, but were whistled for piling on.
And the captain of the Scranton Penguins was caught running naked through town. It's the first interesting thing to happen to Scranton since "The Office." And the most indecent thing to happen to Pennsylvania since the Pirates. The player has since been charged with public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, open lewdness and high sticking.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Rumors are swirling that Roger Clemens had an affair with John Daly's ex-wife Paulette Dean. You know your life is in a freefall when you’re willingly scooping up John Daly's seconds.
Tampa Bay Ray Scott Kazmir is expected to make his season debut on Sunday after missing more than a month with an elbow injury. He spent the first 3 weeks on the DL, and the next 10 days in central Florida traffic behind a Buick with one turn-signal on.
Barack Obama scrimmaged with the University of North Carolina basketball team. Players had no problem guarding the Democratic senator since he always went to his left.
Dennis Rodman was arrested for hitting a woman in a hotel room. He was upset that she borrowed his blouse without asking.
And the Oklahoma City council has required that if they move, the SuperSonics must use Oklahoma City in the team name. This puts a quick end to the plan of naming the team the "extremely southeast of Seattle SuperSonics."
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Randy Moss has formed a racing group. He said if he can't win a ring, maybe it's best just to drive around one.
Red Sox player Brandon Moss had his appendix removed. The team doctor said if the organ were any more worthless to the system, it would be called "Mike Timlin."
Arizona’s Brandon Webb is 7-0. Webb is extra motivated this season, because if he wins ten in a row, he gets invited to Matt Leinart's next party.
David Beckham scored twice when playing Salt Lake. He is not the first man to score multiple times in Utah.
And the Hawks were blown out by the Celtics to end the first round of the NBA playoffs, losing Game Seven 99-65. Too bad - the Hawks were just 35 points away from losing in the second round instead of the first.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The Phoenix Suns have allowed Mike D'Antoni to talk to both the Bulls and the Knicks. Because they hate him.
The Pistons beat Orlando 91-72 in Game 1 of their second round match-up. Magic fans haven't been embarrassed that badly since David Blaine.
Falcons linebacker Michael Boley was charged with battery. It's the first strong hit an Atlanta linebacker's had in years.
Fred Davis overslept during Redskins minicamp. Davis was unable to wake himself from a wonderful dream in which he played for a contender.
And police pepper sprayed the Chicago Bears Cedric Benson after arresting him. The arrest was for boating under the influence. The pepper spray was for playing for the Bears.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Ozzie Guillen lashed out at the media and at White Sox fans in a vulgar tirade. The only thing more vulgar than Guillen's tirade is how the White Sox have been playing.
Barry Zito will rejoin the Giants rotation, having not made a single relief appearance. Because he'd probably blow that, too.
Steelers first-round pick Rashard Mendenhall was robbed at gunpoint. The good news is that getting robbed and being treated unfairly will prepare him for life as a Pirates fan.
And a Wisconsin boy who wore a Brett Favre jersey everyday for four straight years has finally taken it off. Too bad – just three years shy of John Madden's record. When asked what he plans to do now, the boy said he might consider having a friend.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The Nevada Boxing Commission is trying to make fights more exciting – by lowering the glove size from 10 ounces to 8 ounces. If that doesn't work, the next idea is to give ringside seats to Pacman Jones.
Former Georgia Tech QB Joe Hamilton was charged with marijuana possession and hit-and-run. Which was probably more of a hit and drive away very, very slowly.
The Orlando Magic's flight from Detroit to Orlando was diverted because of a mechanical problem. Wow. Even Orlando's plane can't land one.
And New Jersey Nets forward Richard Jefferson was arrested for grabbing a man's neck. Jefferson was livid when the man mistakenly thought he played for the Knicks. Which fits, because the Knicks are used to choking.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Six harness horses have tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. On the positive side, none of them have had an affair with a 15-year-old country singer.
Video has surfaced of Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis telling Michigan to "go to hell." Considering how well Notre Dame played last year, Weis can give Michigan precise directions.
Chargers star LaDainian Tomlinson has said he plans to retire in five years. Which is strange, because we thought he quit during last year's playoffs.
And the Olympic flame found its way to the top of Mount Everest, where it barely grazed the bottom of Kobe Bryant's ego. In Nepal, a mountain that high is called Sagarmatha. In America, it's called Ricky Williams.
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