The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Tennessee Titans wide receiver Mike Williams has lost 30 pounds. Unfortunately for the Los Angeles Dodgers, Andruw Jones seems to have found them. Jones will likely miss the next four to six weeks after undergoing surgery to repair torn cartilage in his knee. The Dodgers hope that his rehab center isn't next to a Dunkin Donuts.
A Japanese sumo wrestler attacked his junior apprentice with a ladle. The sumo apparently mistook his apprentice for an oversized cartoon ham.
And Roger Clemens has requested that his defamation trial be moved to his native Texas. Since everything is bigger in Texas, maybe his head will be smaller in comparison. The next step is to assemble a jury of his peers, but no telling where they'll find twelve lying, cheating, statutory rapists. Sorry – lying, cheating, alleged statutory rapists.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
James Blake was ousted in the second round of the French Open by 19-year-old Latvian phenom Ernests Gulbis. An athlete hasn't had this much trouble with a teenager since Roger Clemens.
After Usain Bolt broke the world record in the 100 meters, fans compared him to lightning by calling him "The Bolt." Which is better than being compared to thunder and called "The Clap."
Women's softball giant UCLA was eliminated from the NCAA tournament. But they still got good news when California legalized gay marriage.
Rasheed Wallace was fined $25,000 for criticizing officials. But the real loser was Charles Barkley, who picked the over at $30,000.
And 13-year-old Indiana native Sameer Mishra won the National Spelling Bee. Now it's back to tutoring the Hoosier basketball team.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The New York Knicks are leaning towards trading the sixth pick in the upcoming NBA draft. If history is any indication, they'll trade it for the seventh pick.
Mike Vanderjagt signed with the CFL. Which, appropriately enough, is just wide right of the NFL.
Pacman Jones was arrested at a Dallas night club. I'm sorry, that's next week's Sports Minute.
More Detroit residents watched hockey than basketball this year. Followed by the spelling bee, news about a Ford Motors strike, Lake Michigan sunsets, and the Lions.
And Sammy Sosa says he may retire after next year's World Baseball Classic. It's nice to hear he's finally going to put a cork in it.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Members of the New York Giants have finally received their $25,000 Super Bowl rings from Tiffany. The rings are so stunning that Kobe Bryant is considering buying three of them, just in case.
The Broncos waived Travis Henry. Henry intends to stay in the NFL by fathering his own team.
The Cincinnati Reds Ken Griffey Jr. is about to join the 600 home run club. Which is sad, since he'd have 700 by now if he ever played against the Reds.
Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton has been chosen as the American League player of the month. We expect him to win comeback player of the year, too รข€“ finishing just ahead of Lazarus.
And David Ortiz is headed to the 15-day disabled list. His new nickname will be Snap, Crackle, and Big Papi.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Randy Johnson passed Roger Clemens on the career strikeout list by notching his 4,673rd K. It's quite an accomplishment for a man who looks like he should be operating carnival rides in Oklahoma.
Alex Rodriguez reportedly told a ten-year-old boy to "beat it" when the young fan approached him for an autograph at a Baltimore Hooters. Ironically, that's why most people go to Hooters in the first place.
Joba Chamberlain's first start in pinstripes was brief and unsuccessful. Joba was so upset afterwards, he froze Han Solo in a vat of carbonite.
If Big Brown wins the Belmont, he will fetch $60 million in stud fees. That's good news, since Big Brown's jockey is only expected to fetch a dollar twenty-five.
And Flip Saunders was let go as coach of the Pistons. He'll be replaced by his more progressive and forward-moving brother Cartwheel Saunders.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The Red Wings are hockey champs. The trophy is the biggest cup the city has seen since the one in Cecil Fielder's locker.
Bill Parcells now says that he wants Jason Taylor to come back. Good thing Parcells spoke up, because he was so silent he sounded Dolphin Stadium on game day.
Swimsuit-model and alleged actress Nikki Ziering will participate in Hulk Hogan's new reality show, Celebrity Championship Wrestling. She'll be a natural, due to all of her experience spending time on her back with her legs in the air.
The NBA has confirmed that Michael Beasley is 6-8 and not 6-10 as he previously claimed. The Kansas State forward has blamed his loss of two inches on a recent circumcision.
And the IOC has suspended Iraq's national Olympic committee, thus making them the first organization in Iraq with an exit strategy.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
