The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The trainers of Kentucky and Preakness winner Big Brown offered no explanation for his poor performance at Belmont, saying only that "he didn't have it." Which is the exact same thing Big Brown's owner said about their check.
The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to pay a local radio station $2,000 per broadcast next season. No word yet on how much the team will have to pay fans to actually listen.
Memphis Grizzlies owner Michael Heisley has said he suspects his team did not get fair value for center Pau Gasol. Gasol was traded for a few fur coats and $26 in beads.
Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick and California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made a friendly wager on the NBA finals. If the Celtics win, Schwarzenegger will donate Californian food and beverages to a charity of Patrick's choice. And if the Lakers win, Patrick must sit through Jingle All the Way.
And the Tampa Bay Rays selected teenage shortstop Tim Beckham with the first pick in the draft. They had trouble cruising high schools looking for talent, but eventually got some help from Roger Clemens.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Country singer Mindy McCready recently took part in the World Series of Poker. It's the first time in weeks we've been able to say the words "McCready" and "poker" without mentioning Roger Clemens.
Tampa Bay pitcher Matt Garza and catcher Dioner Navarro had to be separated during a game on Sunday. The battery had so many problems, they were hired to work in a Sprint phone.
Chicago's Cedric Benson was arrested for the second time in a month. One more and the NFL will force the Bears to trade him to Cincinnati.
Red Wings forward John Franzen has a bruise on his brain. Must be from all the Tigers games he's been watching.
And Kasey Kahne has won three of the last four NASCAR races. He's so popular amongst racing fans, it's almost as if his initials had a third K.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Ken Griffey, Jr. finally belted his six hundredth home run. The shot was so high, it nearly hit the bottom of the cellar door. Griffey hopes to play for another two seasons in order to hit his 601st.
The Chicago Bears waived Cedric Benson. In order to make mini-camp, all athletes must touch their finger to their nose and say the alphabet backwards.
Michael Strahan has announced he is retiring after 15 seasons in the NFL. The seven-time Pro Bowler is expected to leave behind a void second only to the gap in his teeth.
And Gilbert Arenas has opted out of the final year of his contract with the Washington Wizards. The three-time All-Star is an ideal pick up for any team in need of a good blogger.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Big Brown's trainer is now blaming his Belmont defeat on the horse's jockey. The jockey is blaming Steve Bartman.
Former Knicks star Allan Houston has said he is still interested in playing next season. In related news, so am I. At first we thought this was ridiculous, but then we looked at the Knicks' roster.
A Yankees clubhouse attendant has revealed that Roger Clemens was in the habit of taking Viagra. Because his fastball wasn't the only thing he couldn't keep up and away.
And the Pacers hired Sam Perkins to mentor their players. And they hired Roy Jones Jr. to train them for games in Detroit.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The U.S. Open has a new policy prohibiting food, beverages, containers, coolers and animals. If they didn't want John Daly attending, they could have just said so.
Roger Federer won his 56th consecutive match on grass. If he runs through any more grass, he'll break Ricky Williams' record.
The good news is the Bills running back Marshawn Lynch had Lasik surgery to correct his vision. The bad news is Lynch can now see just how bad the Bills are.
And turns out New York Giants Super Bowl rings were among the $2 million worth of items stolen from a Massachusetts jewelry company. Luckily the rings should be easy to retrieve since they're so gaudy that they’re visible from space. Authorities have already narrowed down their list of suspects to Dan Marino, Earl Campbell and Warren Moon.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The Sharks hired Todd McClellan as head coach. They were immediately drawn to him because he was bleeding and looked like an injured seal.
Brad Penny extended his winless streak to eight starts. The dollar might not buy much these days, but looks like a Penny is completely worthless.
The New York Mets acquired Trot Nixon. With the way the team's been playing, he'll have to change his name to Limp Nixon.
And a person associated with the Cowboys was electrocuted over the weekend when they touched a high voltage line at the team's new stadium. And here's the really bad news for Dallas fans: it wasn't Jessica Simpson. Simpson is launching her own line of sexy lingerie. It won't sell well. As any Dallas fan can tell you, getting into Jessica Simpson's underwear is bad luck.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Major League Baseball is considering using instant replay for home run calls this season. Not to correct anything, but because it would be hilarious to watch Prince Fielder run in slow motion.
Evander Holyfield's sprawling Georgia estate is under foreclosure. Take heart, Evander. We hear that Latrell Sprewell is looking for a roommate.
Quarterback Joey Harrington recorded a hole-in-one at Druid Hills Golf Club twice in two weeks. We'd call him lucky were it not for the fact that he plays for the Falcons.
Danny Bonaduce, Dennis Rodman and Screech have signed on to participate in Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. We are rooting for a fight to the death.
And the New Jersey Nets plan to give away more than $250,000 worth of free gas. Or as most people call it, a full tank.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Yankee pitcher Chien Ming Wang is going on the disabled list for a while. It's the first time shelving a Wang has caused this much commotion in New York since it happened to Eliot Spitzer.
TV news journalist and lifelong Bills fans Tim Russert has died at the age of 58. It's so unfortunate that Russert passed before he could see Buffalo lose another four Super Bowls.
And Mets GM Omar Minaya finally fired manager Willie Randolph. If Minaya weathered the storm much longer, he'd have had to call FEMA. Yes, FEMA – the one organization more inept than the New York Mets. Mets ownership said that if they wanted to expect greatness only to get disappointment, they'd have hired M. Night Shyamalan.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Roger Clemens is allegedly selling many of his personal affects to pay his legal fees. On the positive side, Boof Bonser may finally be able to get a Cy Young award.
North Carolina underclassmen Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington and Danny Green will withdraw their names from the NBA draft and return to Chapel Hill next season. The announcement means the Tar Heels should be the best team in the state ahead of Duke, Davidson and the Charlotte Bobcats.
Barack Obama has said that if he wins this fall, he will install a basketball court at the White House. And if John McCain wins, he'll install a shuffleboard deck.
Chris Simms didn't show up to Tampa's minicamp. Now that he's ignoring the team and doing other things, he’s officially a Bucs' fan.
And NBC Sports and World Championship Sports Network are forming a partnership to create an all-Olympic channel. That way sports fans can have access to all the Olympics they want to ignore.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
American strongman Derek Poundstone was in New York pulling a 50,000-pound, double-decker bus. Because gas prices are just that high.
Oscar de la Hoya says he will retire after one more fight, saying "I have been preparing for this my entire life." Understandable, since every man's 15th lackluster 12-round decision is a major milestone.
Miami was eliminated from the College World Series. It was a shock to the city, because a sports team from Miami was actually playing in the post season.
Prince Fielder allegedly owes more than $400,000 in unpaid taxes. Although that may sound like a lot, it's still considerably less than his weekly grocery bill.
And Cincinnati star Chad Johnson recently underwent minor ankle surgery. Unfortunately the Bengals receiver came to before doctors had the chance to wire his mouth shut.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
A California woman completed a marathon less than a year after giving birth to sextuplets. The woman didn't mean to run the marathon, she was just running away.
Overweight pitcher C.C. Sabathia hit a tape-measure home run in a game against the Dodgers. Sadly, Sabathia suffered three heart attacks while rounding the bases.
A Sports Illustrated poll has named Derek Jeter the most overrated player in baseball. Votes were cast by almost 500 major league baseball players, and then replaced by Alex Rodriguez' opinion. A-Rod ranked third in the survey, because even he thinks he's overrated.
And an angry Mets fan shipped five chickens to the team's owners to protest the cowardly way in which they fired manager Willie Randolph. The Mets are hoping to use the chickens to replace Carlos Delgado.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
