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Tuesday, July 08, 2008
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Ten freshmen were selected in the first round of the NBA draft. There haven’t been this many teenagers selected for something since Roger Clemens took Viagra.
China's top backstroker Ouyang Kunpeng has been banned from swimming for life for failing a doping test. Terms of the ban are so restrictive that Kunpeng won't even be allowed to wash his face without permission.
Michelle Wie had a quintuple-bogey 9 during her first-round 81 at the U.S. Women's Open. Wie has since been downgraded from phenom to Kournikova.
The Baltimore Ravens are planning to turn trained ravens loose before home games this season. If you think that’s impressive, Houston is planning on doing the same thing with trained Texans.
And Willie Randolph will be replaced by Cubs manager Lou Piniella on the coaching staff for next month's All-Star game. The crazy part is that Randolph was told of the decision during the daytime.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The Williams sisters are both still alive in the Wimbledon quarter-finals. Las Vegas is taking bets on which sister will go further, as well as on when Don Imus will be fired.
Two years after his victory, Floyd Landis lost his final appeal, and must forfeit his Tour De France title. The appeal process was grueling, but hopefully Landis had enough steroids to get him through.
The West Virginia University president said that former coach Rich Rodriguez was "distraught" before he left the school. As opposed to all the other minorities in West Virginia, who love it there.
First baseman David Ortiz announced that he will miss the All-Star Game due to injury. First baseman Carlos Delgado announced that he will miss the All-Star Game due to suck.
And the Boston Red Sox allegedly received a threat targeting all black and Latin players. Or as Major League Baseball calls them, the New York Mets.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Dwyane Wade's image has started appearing on a brand of sex pills in China. Much like Wade, your potency will drop sharply after its peak.
South Korea plans to propose a joint march to North Korea at the opening and closing ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. A joint march? Sounds like Josh Howard in college.
Georgia's bulldog mascot, Uga VI, was buried after passing away over the weekend. The death came as a surprise since the Bulldogs generally don't collapse until half way through the season.
Ricky Williams has said he'd like to go to medical school once he’s finished his playing career. Probably to get his hands on a prescription pad.
And the Cowboys are charging up to $150,000 to lease club seats at their new stadium. The seats are at the 50-yard line, in front of the referees, on the lap of a Cowboys cheerleader.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Fox will ask every player, manager and coach in the MLB All-Star Game to wear a microphone, which is a wonderful idea, if you speak Spanish.
Sources close to the Yankees are reporting that third baseman Alex Rodriguez has been spotted cavorting with recently separated pop star Madonna. The two go well together since he hit 50 the same year she did.
The Memphis Grizzlies have agreed on a thee-year, $10 million deal with center Marc Gasol. Right idea, wrong Gasol. Maybe next year they can sign Lane Bryant.
And Seattle point guard Earl Watson will miss four months after breaking his thumb. On the positive side, the injury should cut his texting bills in half.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
U.S. Basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski insists this year's Olympians are not going to Beijing to "sell shoes." Of course not. They're going there to visit the five-year-olds who make their shoes.
Alex Rodriguez's wife, Cynthia, has been in Paris for the past week visiting Lenny Kravitz. It's nice to hear she's finally found a man who has no problem performing in October.
The asterisk-branded ball that Barry Bonds hit for career homer No. 756 will be headed to the Hall of Fame after all. Bonds' head must be swelling with pride. Or steroids, one or the other.
And John Daly wowed a crowd at the Buick Pro-Am by driving a golf ball off of an empty beer can. If there's one thing Daly knows how to do, it's drink and drive. The only thing that would have wowed the crowd more is if Daly had left a beer can unopened.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Celtics forward Glen Davis was recently spotted in the Bahamas. By someone standing in Florida. Explorers were excited, as they thought they discovered a new island.
Charlie Weis predicted 9 to 12 victories for Notre Dame this season. In other news, Notre Dame's season has been expanded to 100 games.
The Harlem Globetrotters selected Patrick Ewing, Jr. as the top pick in the team's annual draft. Ewing was selected just ahead of a basketball on a string and a bucketful of confetti.
And four teams are currently chasing Indians ace C.C. Sabathia in an effort to bolster their rotations. Others are setting bear traps, and hoping for the best.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Kansas City tight end Tony Gonzalez recently saved a California man from choking. Now, if only he could do the same thing with the Chiefs.
The NHL is hoping to stage an open-air hockey game at the new Yankee Stadium. We expect Alex Rodriguez to be there, since he’s very familiar with thin ice. Cynthia Rodriguez has accused her husband of cheating on her in her divorce papers. We find it hard to believe that A-Rod has ever loved anyone other than himself.
The Red Sox are considering adding Barry Bonds for the stretch run. Because Boston fans are already used to having an over-sized monster in left field.
And Imprisoned quarterback Michael Vick has filed for bankruptcy protection while serving time for federal dogfighting charges. In the ultimate irony, the only transportation he can now afford is Greyhound.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
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Ten freshmen were selected in the first round of the NBA draft. There haven’t been this many teenagers selected for something since Roger Clemens took Viagra.
China's top backstroker Ouyang Kunpeng has been banned from swimming for life for failing a doping test. Terms of the ban are so restrictive that Kunpeng won't even be allowed to wash his face without permission.
Michelle Wie had a quintuple-bogey 9 during her first-round 81 at the U.S. Women's Open. Wie has since been downgraded from phenom to Kournikova.
The Baltimore Ravens are planning to turn trained ravens loose before home games this season. If you think that’s impressive, Houston is planning on doing the same thing with trained Texans.
And Willie Randolph will be replaced by Cubs manager Lou Piniella on the coaching staff for next month's All-Star game. The crazy part is that Randolph was told of the decision during the daytime.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The Williams sisters are both still alive in the Wimbledon quarter-finals. Las Vegas is taking bets on which sister will go further, as well as on when Don Imus will be fired.
Two years after his victory, Floyd Landis lost his final appeal, and must forfeit his Tour De France title. The appeal process was grueling, but hopefully Landis had enough steroids to get him through.
The West Virginia University president said that former coach Rich Rodriguez was "distraught" before he left the school. As opposed to all the other minorities in West Virginia, who love it there.
First baseman David Ortiz announced that he will miss the All-Star Game due to injury. First baseman Carlos Delgado announced that he will miss the All-Star Game due to suck.
And the Boston Red Sox allegedly received a threat targeting all black and Latin players. Or as Major League Baseball calls them, the New York Mets.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Dwyane Wade's image has started appearing on a brand of sex pills in China. Much like Wade, your potency will drop sharply after its peak.
South Korea plans to propose a joint march to North Korea at the opening and closing ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics. A joint march? Sounds like Josh Howard in college.
Georgia's bulldog mascot, Uga VI, was buried after passing away over the weekend. The death came as a surprise since the Bulldogs generally don't collapse until half way through the season.
Ricky Williams has said he'd like to go to medical school once he’s finished his playing career. Probably to get his hands on a prescription pad.
And the Cowboys are charging up to $150,000 to lease club seats at their new stadium. The seats are at the 50-yard line, in front of the referees, on the lap of a Cowboys cheerleader.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Fox will ask every player, manager and coach in the MLB All-Star Game to wear a microphone, which is a wonderful idea, if you speak Spanish.
Sources close to the Yankees are reporting that third baseman Alex Rodriguez has been spotted cavorting with recently separated pop star Madonna. The two go well together since he hit 50 the same year she did.
The Memphis Grizzlies have agreed on a thee-year, $10 million deal with center Marc Gasol. Right idea, wrong Gasol. Maybe next year they can sign Lane Bryant.
And Seattle point guard Earl Watson will miss four months after breaking his thumb. On the positive side, the injury should cut his texting bills in half.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
U.S. Basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski insists this year's Olympians are not going to Beijing to "sell shoes." Of course not. They're going there to visit the five-year-olds who make their shoes.
Alex Rodriguez's wife, Cynthia, has been in Paris for the past week visiting Lenny Kravitz. It's nice to hear she's finally found a man who has no problem performing in October.
The asterisk-branded ball that Barry Bonds hit for career homer No. 756 will be headed to the Hall of Fame after all. Bonds' head must be swelling with pride. Or steroids, one or the other.
And John Daly wowed a crowd at the Buick Pro-Am by driving a golf ball off of an empty beer can. If there's one thing Daly knows how to do, it's drink and drive. The only thing that would have wowed the crowd more is if Daly had left a beer can unopened.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Celtics forward Glen Davis was recently spotted in the Bahamas. By someone standing in Florida. Explorers were excited, as they thought they discovered a new island.
Charlie Weis predicted 9 to 12 victories for Notre Dame this season. In other news, Notre Dame's season has been expanded to 100 games.
The Harlem Globetrotters selected Patrick Ewing, Jr. as the top pick in the team's annual draft. Ewing was selected just ahead of a basketball on a string and a bucketful of confetti.
And four teams are currently chasing Indians ace C.C. Sabathia in an effort to bolster their rotations. Others are setting bear traps, and hoping for the best.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Kansas City tight end Tony Gonzalez recently saved a California man from choking. Now, if only he could do the same thing with the Chiefs.
The NHL is hoping to stage an open-air hockey game at the new Yankee Stadium. We expect Alex Rodriguez to be there, since he’s very familiar with thin ice. Cynthia Rodriguez has accused her husband of cheating on her in her divorce papers. We find it hard to believe that A-Rod has ever loved anyone other than himself.
The Red Sox are considering adding Barry Bonds for the stretch run. Because Boston fans are already used to having an over-sized monster in left field.
And Imprisoned quarterback Michael Vick has filed for bankruptcy protection while serving time for federal dogfighting charges. In the ultimate irony, the only transportation he can now afford is Greyhound.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
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