The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The Milwaukee Brewers traded a few prospects for Indians ace C.C. Sabathia. Sabathia will pitch every fifth day, and spend the other four fighting Prince Fielder for the last pork chop. Sabathia will suit up as soon as the team makes him a jersey out of the infield tarp.
A-Rod's wife has filed for a divorce, claiming that Rodriguez has abandoned her, and she deserves to be treated better than the Yankees in October.
41-year-old Dara Torres earned a spot in Beijing by winning the 50-meter freestyle at the U.S. Olympic Trials. The veteran swimmer enjoys the pool because she actually emerges looking less wrinkled.
And Floyd Mayweather accused HBO's boxing analysts of being racist. Because clearly, they favor all the white boxers. I'm sorry, that's white boxer.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Elton Brand has agreed to a five-year, $82 million deal with the 76ers. Philadelphia fans are so excited with the signing they've agreed to wait a full two days before booing him.
Former NFL player Brian Bosworth recently rescued a Calgary woman from an auto accident. Bosworth saved the woman after first mistaking the car wreck for his career.
Yankees radio announcer John Sterling is being called out for routinely dipping his finger into the ice cream barrel in the stadium's press room. Authorities originally suspected Alex Rodriguez since the ice cream tasted like Madonna.
And NBC Universal will present an unprecedented 3,600 hours of Beijing Olympic Games coverage. The amount of coverage isn't just unprecedented, it's also unsolicited and unwanted. And if that's not enough to rile Americans, at least 200 of the hours will be encased in lead.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
A professional soccer referee had to be helped off the field after showing up to work drunk. And thus ends John Daly's summer job.
Cleveland snapped their ten game losing streak. If the Indians kept playing like that, their only chance of winning anything would be opening a casino.
West Point grad Caleb Campbell is hoping to make the transition from the U.S. Army to the Detroit Lions. It should be a natural fit since neither organization has won anything lately.
The Milwaukee Bucks have agreed to sign center Andrew Bogut to a five-year, $72.5 million extension. The contract makes Bogut the NBA's highest paid white guy outside of an owner's box.
And Michael Vick is currently busy writing his life story. In fact, he's already on chapter 11.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The demolition of Tiger Stadium's walls and seating areas has begun. Construction workers were happy to report that the stadium fell apart almost as quickly as Detroit's starting rotation.
The FBI is currently investigating the 2006 Washington Nationals signing of shortstop Esmailyn Gonzalez. It's nice to hear the Bureau has wrapped up all of the country's security concerns and can now move onto the issues that are really troubling America.
The Golden State Warriors have acquired free agent Corey Maggette, the Los Angeles Clippers' scoring leader. Of course, being the top scorer on the Clippers is like being the smartest woman on The View.
New England Patriots running back Kevin Faulk has pleaded no contest to drug charges after being caught with marijuana at a Li'l Wayne concert. It's hard to say what's more embarrassing: getting busted by the police or having the world know you're a fan of Li'L Wayne.
And the Baltimore Ravens are reportedly interested in quarterback Brett Favre, and will sign him once they buy a time machine.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The New York Yankees have stumbled so awkwardly into the All-Star break that next year they'll be running in Belmont.
Billy Packer's run with CBS has finally come to an end. This is one Packer that will stay retired.
A federal judge has sided with the Washington Redskins in a lawsuit regarding the team's name. Sadly, it's the first major victory the franchise has enjoyed since 1991.
Former NFL special teams star Vai Sikahema knocked out Jose Canseco in their celebrity boxing match. Sikahema tried to knock Canseco senseless, but Mother Nature beat him to it.
And three teams appear to be interested in Bucs quarterback Chris Simms. Two of them are the Chicago Bears.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Stephon Marbury has gotten a tattoo of his sneaker logo on his left temple. It's nice to hear that he's finally found a use for his head.
Alex Rodriquez has revealed that his iPod contains an eclectic mix of Frank Sinatra, 50 Cent, Sting and Tom Petty. Because he gets to hear enough Madonna at home.
Barry Bonds said that not playing baseball is like a huge void. That's fine – his bulbous head should fill it. Bonds' agent says there is little chance the slugger will play this year. So the biggest cheater in California remains Wesley Snipes.
And a baseball cap worn by Yankees slugger Babe Ruth has been auctioned for a record $328,000. There was no need to authenticate the hat since it still smells like mustard and bourbon.
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
The American League won the All-Star Game again. Their winning streak is getting to be so long, the '73 Dolphins are starting to talk smack.
The National League committed four errors - five if you count their decision to play Dan Uggla at second base.
Uggla committed three errors over the course of the game. Good thing he stopped there. One more and the Astros would have traded for him.
The game took a record-breaking four hours and 50 minutes to complete, prompting both teams to use all of their pitchers. Things got so desperate that when the game ended, Whitey Ford was warming up in the bullpen.
And Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig insists a tie was not a possibility despite the length of the game. And if you can't trust a former used-car dealer, who can you trust?
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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Dolphins quarterback Josh McCown needed six stitches on the index finger of his throwing hand after mishandling a chainsaw. On the positive side, McCown has had plenty of practice getting cut.
Injured Chinese superstar Yao Ming has returned to the hardcourt, since air pollution is even worse when you're two feet taller. Yao said he was hungry to get back. And in an hour he'll be hungry again.
Double-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius fell short of the 400-meter qualifying time he needed to make the Olympics. Ironically Pistorius appeared to be in great shape until the last two legs of the race.
And the Packers have filed tampering charges against the Vikings alleging the team made inappropriate contact with Brett Favre. Favre has been asked demonstrate exactly where on the doll the Vikings touched him.
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