Kanka's Sports Page

Monday, August 27, 2007

Know Thy Enemy

I plan on posting each team's "Know Thy Enemy Links" on the Monday or Tuesday before that week's game - so good luck getting any work done this fall. If I have left you off this list, screwed up your link, or grossly misinterpreted your blog title, please send an email to kanka@kankasports.zzn.com, or stop by our message board.

... and Know Thyself

Notre Dame

The Blue-Gray Sky
Chris Wilson's Blog O' (Irish) Fun
Classic Ground
The College Game
Daily Contentions
Domer Law Blog
eTruth
The Extra Point
Fire Mark May
The Galvin Opinion
Haiku Notre Dame
Her Loyal Sons
Here Come the Irish
The House Rock Built
Irish Blue and Gold
The Irish Brogue
Irish Eyes Power Hour
Irish Insights
Irish Law
Irish Round Table
Irish Stew
John Walters
Kelly Green
Majorly English
Marchand Chronicles
Mark May be Wrong
Musings of a Domer
ND CHOO CHOO
NDNation Blog
OC Domer
Pass Right
Rakes of Mallow
Robot Charlie
The Rock Report
Running at the Mouth
A Season of Saturdays
Sports Syndicate
Tough Guy
UHND Blog
Unrestricted View
We is Notre Dame
What Thou the Odds
Fanblogs Notre Dame
FanHouse Notre Dame

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Know Thy Enemy
Georgia Tech

Editor's Note: Look for a complete Know Thy Enemy, and Know Thyself post tomorrow, listing all ND and opponent blogs for the season.

In the meantime, if you have a GT blog that isn't listed below, or if something with your link or blog title is awry, please let me know via email or the message board. (Links are at the top of the page.)

Georgia Tech Sports Blog
Golden Tornado
Ramblin' On
Ramblin' Racket
AJC TechBlog
What's the Good Word?
Wreck Ramblin
YellowBlazer's World
Fanblogs Georgia Tech

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Editor's Note: Catching up, again. Also, if you've sent me a link request within the last 4-5 months, please resend it. I've done a terrible job of housekeeping this summer.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

More bad news for Michael Vick. Nike has decided to delay the release of his new $100 shoes because of the recent allegations of whipping, beating and torture. Of the Chinese workers who make the shoes.

Elsewhere in the NFL, a state appeals court ruled that the 49ers are allowed to pat down fans before they enter the stadium. There's no shortage of men in the Bay area applying for the job. They should pat someone down - they've been allowing opposing teams to go untouched since the 1990s.

In baseball, the Braves signed 48-year-old Julio Franco. At least he thinks that's what they said; they weren't speaking very loudly.

Two players on the Pittsburgh Pirates admitted that they have Attention Deficit Disorder. It's a special version of the affliction that only lasts for nine innings.

LeBron James has been invited to host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live in September. And we thought he had a bad supporting cast in Cleveland.

Knicks guard Stephon Marbury has expressed interest in playing in Italy. Sorry, Knicks fans have expressed interest in Stephon Marbury playing in Italy.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is expected to recommend that the league expand by two teams. Chicago is thrilled, as they haven't had a professional team for decades. Maybe the NHL might expand to new territory - like Canada.

And Johannesburg cyclist Robert Hunter won the 11th stage of the Tour de France with a sizzling time of 3 hours, 47 minutes and 50 seconds. It's the fastest a white South African has moved since the end of Apartheid.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Pacers Jermaine O'Neal requested a trade to the Lakers. Kobe Bryant is thrilled, since he can't win without an O'Neal.

It was week of milestones as A-Rod hit his 500th home run, Tom Glavine won his 300th game, and Barry Bonds hit his 755th reporter. When Bonds hit his 755th home run, some in the stadium cheered while others booed. And that was just the Giants dugout.

Yao Ming married his 6 foot 2 girlfriend. Tallest canopy ever. The couple is looking forward to having many freakishly long babies.

The Cleveland Browns gave a $21 million contract to 22nd pick Brady Quinn. Wow - that's a million dollars for every player another team thought was better.

In Kentucky, new Knicks center Randolph Morris was arrested for reckless driving. Morris explained that's just how the Knicks play. We're surprised that more Knicks haven't been charged with reckless driving, shooting, and trading.

And the movie "Underdog" is flopping at the box office, despite a great performance from villain Michael Vick. In related news, the Southern Christian Leadership Conference has decided not to present an award to Vick. Not because of all the legal troubles, but because he plays for the Falcons.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

This week, a key defendant in the Michael Vick case asked for a plea bargain. By barking.

David Beckham has released a new cologne named "Intimately Beckham." Sadly, the fragrance is only effective in Europe.

Update on Yao Ming's wedding - it could be his only chance to get a ring during his career.

Cal Ripken Jr. has been appointed a Special Sports Envoy by Condoleezza Rice. It's the first time the government has hired anyone who will show up to work every day. Ripken has already spent more days in Washington than President Bush.

Magic Johnson will hold a fundraiser to support Hillary Clinton's presidential bid. That's perfect, since most political pundits agree that it will take some magic to get her elected.

The Miami Heat signed Penny Hardaway. The deal has been applauded by the year 1995. Penny arrive in Miami shortly, in tiger print pants while doing the Macarena.

Hank Aaron told reporters that he was asleep at his home when Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run. Apparently that's what happens when you have a clear conscience.

And the bad news is that a Los Angeles fan was arrested for throwing a water bottle at the A's Mike Piazza. The good news is that next week he'll be pitching for the Dodgers.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Notre Dame Football Preview
Defense, Special Teams, and Predictions

Defensive Line

Spotlight: Pat Kuntz

	G	Tackles	TFL	Sacks
2006	12	48	15	8

Also Returning: Justin Brown, Neil Kennedy, Trevor Laws, Dwight Stephenson, Jr.
Lost: Casey Cullen, Chris Frome, Derek Landri, Travis Leitko (graduation), John Ryan (position change), Ronald Talley (transfer), Derrell Hand (?)
Gained: Paddy Mullen, Kallen Wade (DNP as freshmen), Andrew Nuss, Emeka Nwankwo (freshmen)

One reason for the switch to the 3-4 is the talent available on this year's team. This is evident on the line, where experience is lacking and the top backup (Hand) may be unavailable for this season. 3-4 ends are bigger than 4-3 ends, and in the 3-4 the nose guard simply takes up space while the ends have more of an opportunity to make plays. That's why ND's top lineman, Trevor Laws, was moved to an end. Pat Kuntz gets his first chance to start, and he will be playing nosetackle despite his small size. But reports say he is a Derek Landri-style tackle - undersized, but with an unbeatable motor. After several years and several position changes, it looks like Dwight Stephenson, Jr. will finally see the starting lineup as the other end. If he doesn't, Justin Brown, one of the top backups from last year, will see playing time at the other end. After the starters and Brown, there isn't much experience but there is a ton of talent among many freshmen and sophomores who didn't see the field last year.

Linebacker

Spotlight: Toryan Smith

	G	Tackles	TFL	Sacks
2006	12	57	3.5	0

Also Returning: Maurice Crum, Jr., Joe Brockington, Steve Quinn, Scott Smith, Anthony Vernaglia, Kevin Washington
Lost: Nick Borseti, Kyle Charters, Mitchell Thomas (graduation), Travis Thomas (position change)
Gained: John Ryan, Morrice Richardson (position changes), Alex Lough, Kevin Smith (walk-ons), Aaron Nagel, Kerry Neal, Steve Paskorz, Brian Smith (freshmen)

Any one of the starting linebackers could have been put in the spotlight this year. Crum will again be expected to lead this unit. Highly touted out of high school, Vernaglia will finally get a crack at the starting lineup. He looks to earn a starting nod based on his all-around skills; the former safety should have superior coverage skills. Brought in as a defensive end, John Ryan becomes a pass rushing defensive end in the 3-4. Of course, Coach Weis promised that we could still see some 43 looks with 34 personnel, so that could be an indication that Ryan will play as a Willie McGinnest-style hybrid, occasionally lining up with his fingers on the ground. But Toryan Smith gets the spotlight because he has apparently stolen a starting inside linebacker spot. "Stolen" may be too harsh a word, considering the sophomore's talent. But the underrated Joe Brockington, who worked his way into the starting lineup last year, will again be coming off the bench thanks to Smith. Speaking of Smith, their are four Irish 'backers with that name, and it would be amusing to see them all on the field at once.

Safety

Spotlight: David Bruton

	G	Tackles	INT	Fum Rec
2006	12	52	2	4

Also Returning: Sergio Brown, Jashaad Gaines, Ray Herring, Kyle McCarthy, Tom Zbikowski
Lost: Chinedum Ndukwe (graduation)
Gained: Leonard Gordon (DNP as freshman), Harrison Smith (freshman)

Ironically, if you do a Google image search for David Bruton, one of the first results is from a high school all-star game... where he's getting burned by Mario Manningham. Bruton has good size for a safety at 6'2" and has been impressive on special teams. But as past years have shown, all the size, speed, and talent in the world don't help if you're not standing in the right location. Let's hope Bruton and Tom Zbikowski's technique and reads improve greatly under Corwin Brown, or else it could be another long season for the Irish. Following a disappointing 2006, Zbikowski surprisingly came back for another try in 2007. He'll be the veteran leader of this defense, and he appears to come back healthier, in better shape, and with a better focus on football. Ray Herring and Kyle McCarthy will be the top backups in this unit, and they should serve as rather competent backups to Bruton and Zbikowski.

Cornerback

Spotlight: Ambrose Wooden

	G	Tackles	INT	PBU
2006	12	74	2	5

Also Returning: Mike Anello, Leo Ferrine, Wade Iams, Terrail Lambert, Raeshon McNeil, Darrin Walls, William David Williams
Lost: Tim Kenney, Mike Richardson (graduation)
Gained: Munir Prince (position change), John Leonis (walk on), Gary Gray (freshman)

Wooden returns for his second year in the spotlight. Last time, it was because he was the closest thing ND had to a bright spot at corner in 2005. This year, it's because he was nearly forgotten thanks to injuries and the improved play of Lambert and Mike Richardson. Richardson is impressing in the NFL, while Lambert absolutely broke out with his performance against MSU. With Wooden and Lambert, ND is going into the season with two competent corners for the first time since the #15 jersey wasn't cursed. Speaking of that #15 jersey, Leo Ferrine was the nickelback two years ago, and now finds himself a third stringer. That's no slam on Ferrine, it's simply a testament to the guys who were recruited to replace him. Sophomores Walls and McNeil are the second stringers, with Walls likely playing the nickelback and McNeil coming in for dime situations. The highly touted Gary Gray has been hampered by injuries and will likely sit out this season. Meanwhile, the speedy but undersized Munir Prince will try to learn the cornerback position after a failed outing at running back.

Kicker

Spotlight: Ryan Burkhart

	G	FG	PAT	Points
2006	6	1-1	2-2	5

Also Returning:
Lost: Carl Gioia, Bobby Renkes (graduation)
Gained: Nate Whitaker (walk-on), Brandon Walker (freshman)

Well, Burhart is the experienced scholarship kicker, but that doesn't guarantee him anything. Brandon Walker is a talented freshman with a strong leg, but he may be more of a punter than a field goal kicker. Walk-on Nate Whitaker is the X-factor here, and a good showing in practice will get him on the field on Saturdays.

Punter

Spotlight: Geoff Price

	G	No	Avg	In 20
2006	0	0	0	0

Also Returning: Eric Maust
Lost: none
Gained: Xavier Burton (walk-on)

After years of looking like a bust, Price burst onto the scene in 2006 and instantly became a Ray Guy candidate. With a young offense and defense, Price could be the team MVP this year. Price will again be backed up by baseball's Eric Maust, and also by walk-on Xavier Burton

2007 Schedule

9-01-07 GEORGIA TECH
9-08-07 at Penn State
9-15-07 at Michigan
9-22-07 MICHIGAN STATE
9-29-07 @ Purdue
10-06-07 @ UCLA
10-13-07 BOSTON COLLEGE
10-20-07 SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
11-03-07 NAVY
11-10-07 AIR FORCE
11-17-07 DUKE
11-24-07 at Stanford

Predicted Wins Legend (final record in parentheses)
Sure wins (4-8)
Win 4 of these 6, and I'll call it a successful season (8-4)
True fans go into every game thinking their team has a shot to win (12-0)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Notre Dame Football Preview
Offense

Quarterback

Spotlight: Demetrius Jones

	G	Att-Comp-Int	Yds	TD
2006	DNP

Also Returning: Evan Sharpley
Lost: Brady Quinn, Dan Gorski (graduation), Zach Frazer (transfer)
Gained: Darrin Bragg (position change), Justin Gillett (walk-on), Jimmy Clausen (freshman)

Those who do listen to Charlie Weis seem ready to annoint Sharpley as the starter. Those who don't listen to Weis seem ready to give the job to Clausen. But what about Jones? What happens when you combine Charlie Weis and a mobile quarterback?
Clausen has the arm and the golden boy reputation, but Sharpley has the experience (limited though it may be) and poise. Outside observers assume Sharpley is a pocket passer a la Clausen, but Weis keeps reminding everyone that Sharpley has a combination of Jones and Clausen's skills. My interpretation is that Sharley is a poor man's Brady Quinn athletically, able to elude a rusher and scramble when needed.

Running Back

Spotlight: James Aldridge

	G	Att	Yds	TD
2006	7	37	149	0

Also Returning: Junior Jabbie, Travis Thomas
Lost: John Lyons (graduation), Dex Cure, Munir Prince (position changes), Darius Walker (NFL)
Gained: Armando Allen, Robert Hughes (freshmen), Nikolas Rodrigues (walk-on)

Thomas is the proven commodity, at least as proven as anyone on this team. Fans can't stop raving about Hughes and Allen's thunder and lightning potential. But where does that leave Aldridge in the rotation?

Fullback

Spotlight: Luke Schmidt

	G	Att	Yds	TD
2006	DNP

Also Returning: Asaph Schwapp
Lost: Matt Augustyn, Ashley McConnell (graduation)
Gained: Dex Cure (position change), Mike Narvaez (walk-on)

Everyone knows what Schwapp can do, and he does it well. Unfortunately, though, Schwapp isn't much of an offensive threat. Is that where Schmidt comes in? Schmidt was a highly-touted as a freshman last year, but never saw the field. If Schmidt becomes the "offensive fullback," does he keep the job next year, or would he just be keeping it warm for Hughes?

Wide Receiver

Spotlight: David Grimes

	G	Rec	Yds	TD
2006	12	26	336	2

Also Returning: Brandon Erickson, Richard Jackson, Robby Parris, Kris Patterson, Nick Possley, Jake Richardville, George West
Lost: Chase Anastasio, Craig Cardillo, David Costanzo, Rhema McKnight, Jeff Samardzija (graduation), Darrin Bragg (position change)
Gained: DJ Hord (injury), Barry Gallup, Jr. (DNP as freshman), Sam Vos (walk-on), Duval Kamara, Golden Tate (freshmen)

The spotlight is on Grimes, but not because he's the only proven player in the receiving corps. Grimes has a huge responsibility this year - lead a young unit, prove to be a reliable option for an untested quarterback, and draw attention away from John Carlson. Grimes had a good year as Notre Dame's third, fourth, or fifth option. Fortunately, with Carlson still around, Grimes has another year as a secondary option to learn his craft.
As opposed to the height over the last two years, this year's receivers are, according to Coach Weis, the Smurfs. There's talent, but no size outside of Kamara. That will force this year's quarterback to be much more accurate. George West, actually shorter than Grimes, looks to have turned his limited 2006 experience into the other starting job.
The X factor here is D.J. Hord, who may be Notre Dame's #1 receiver this year if not for an injury that kept him out for all of 2006.

Tight End

Spotlight: John Carlson

Courtesy AP/Paul Sakuma

	G	Rec	Yds	TD
2006	11	46	634	4

Also Returning: Kevin Brooks, Konrad Reuland, Mike Talerico, Will Yeatman
Lost: Marcus Freeman, Michael Planalp (graduation)
Gained: Mike Ragone (freshman)

No surprise here. Carlson broke out in 2006, with one of the best seasons by a tight end in Notre Dame season. The lanky, athletic target will draw much more attention this year, especially as the only proven star on the offense.
But the rest of the tight ends are stars in the making. With the defense's attenton on Carlson, and short, unproven receivers, the Irish QB may find himself opting for a taller safety valve more often than not.

Offensive Line

Spotlight: John Sullivan

	G
2006	13

Also Returning: Matt Carufel, Paul Duncan, Eric Olsen, Jeff Tisak, Michael Turkovich, Sam Young
Lost: Dan Chervanik, Ryan Harris, Brian Mattes, Bob Morton, Dan Santucci (graduation)
Gained: Chris Stewart, Bartley Webb, Dan Wenger, (DNP as freshmen), Thomas Bemenderfer (transfer), Taylor Dever, Matt Romine (freshmen)

2006 was a rough year for the Irish line. Sullivan returns for his fourth year as a starter, and he will once again anchor the line at center. Duncan and Turkovich were the primary backups last year, and it looks like they'll anchor the right side of the line. Meanwhile, it appears that a new face will step in at the other guard.
Sullivan's backup will be Thomas Bemenderfer, a local product who just transferred from Northwestern. Bemenderfer's older brother was a walk-on defensive back, and I most certainly was not a walk-on defensive back.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Cleveland Browns 16, Kansas City Chiefs 12

Kansas City's two star running backs didn't even play. Their other top three offensive weapons only made token appearances. (Tony Gonzalez and Eddie Kennison started and each caught one pass. Damon Huard attempted 4 passed after relieving Brodie Croyle.) So it's no wonder their offense was nonexistent. Their touchdown was scored when Browns RB Jerome Harrison let a lateral sail over his head and failed to retrieve it. The safety was scored after Browns PR Brandon McDonald let a punt go by that was stopped at the one. And the final field goal was scored on the 3rd team defense.

That being said, the Browns managed to let the Chiefs stay in this game in spite of themselves. As was the case far too many times over the past two years, the Browns were able to move the ball down the field fairly well, but they fell apart in the red zone. Four trip inside the 20 resulted in three field goals and a botched attempt at a fourth. With time running down at the end of the half and no time outs left, Charlie Frye tried to improvise and scramble for a touchdown but fell well short.

Of Cleveland's starting QBs, Frye did look the best. Sure, most of his passes were checkdowns and dumpoffs, but 3 yards gained is better than no yards gained. Derek Anderson failed to find any rhythm at all, and most of his passes were either off target or forced into openings that just weren't there. Ken Dorsey was supposed to play the entire second half, but Romeo Crennel decided to give Anderson the first drive of the third quarter to attempt to redeem himself. He really didn't. Because of this, and because the game was still relatively close at the end, Dorsey stayed in for the remainder of the game. Despite chants of "Brady, Brady" starting late in the third period, Quinn stayed on the bench.

Jamal Lewis looked fair in his first appearance wearing brown and orange. He averaged 5 yards on 4 carries, and showed good hands hauling in 3 checkdown passes. A bulked up Jerome Harrison had a few good runs against the backup defense, while Jason Wright struggled. Twice the Browns tried to run up the middle on obvious 3rd and short situations, and twice they were stuffed. That's nothing new.

Buck Ortega was the star receiver, as the tight end caught four passes from former Hurricanes teammate Dorsey against the Chiefs third stringers. Seventh round pick Syndric Steptoe looked unimpressive both as a receiver and a returner.

On the line, Joe Thomas was called for holding twice. It could be a case of a rookie needing to adjust to the league, or it could just be a case of the refs calling him tight in his first game. But surely Browns announcer Doug Dieken felt right at home hearing holding called on his old number 73.

On the defensive front seven, Kamerion Wimbley again caused havoc, despite not recording a single tackle. He did however pressure Brodie Croyle into throwing an interception right to Leigh Bodden. Lineman David McMillan and linebackers Kris Griffin and Clifton Smith heard their names called often, which could help them stay on this ballclub.

The secondary played a very good game. On the first drive, rookie Eric Wright was tested on a deep ball. With his back to the play, he simply reached his arm up to knock the ball down. While that's perfectly legal in college, defenders are required in the NFL to turn around and face the pass. So that's something Wright will have to be careful about. Bodden, as mentioned above, had a gift-wrapped interception. Last year, after Bodden the corners weren't anything to write home about. But even those returning DBs played well. Daven Holly had a clean interception.

But the play of the game came with less than two minutes to go, when reserve RB Chris Barclay returned a kickoff for the go-ahead touchdown. With 95 seconds remaining, the Browns still needed to make a stop to seal the victory. They did, but just barely.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

COACH WEIS: No gimmicks this year.

That is all. Carry on.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Editor's Note: Real, original football content coming soon, I promise. Or at least I hope.

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Tough week for Michael Vick. A spokesman for PETA announced that he has film of the Falcons quarterback throwing pigskins. Word is Vick is planning to sell his Virginia estate where the alleged dog fights took place, and buy a house closer to his job. In Canada.

Elsewhere in the NFL, some pipes broke and filled the Cleveland Browns locker room with raw sewage, reminding everyone of Tim Couch.

The Texas Rangers traded Mark Texiera to the Braves for four prospects, which they will eventually trade for a washed up pitcher.

Hoping to win back the public's trust, the NBA announced it's new head of officiating - Pete Rose.

In golf, Jim Furyk edged out Vijay Singh to win the Canadian Open. That's just like the US Open, but with nobody watching.

Kentucky Derby winning jockey Jose Santos announced his retirement, and is looking forward to eating again.

Evander Holyfield will fight for a version of the heavyweight title at age 44 in Moscow. In Russia he won't look old, he'll just look poisoned.

And the National Guard is in talks to sponsor Dale Earnhardt Jr's NASCAR team as a great way to recruit more poor people. The Army decided against sponsoring Jeff Gordon for unknown reasons. We didn't ask, they didn't tell.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Top 9 Other Ways Title IX Could Have Been Implemented Vis-à-vis Sports, In Increasing Order Of Unlikeliness

Editor's Note: This is part of what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

Editor's Note #2: For the love of all that's holy, please don't send me any hate mail. If you need to, ask me and I can give you Klondike's email address, phone number, home address, and/or license plate number.

#9: All sports, being inherently inequitable, could be eliminated entirely.

#8: Men and women could be integrated into a single team.

#7: Schools could segregate into men-only and women-only institutions.

#6: We could all just smile and nod, pat Title IX on the head, then ignore it and go about our business.

#5: We could redefine "sports" to include things like shopping, child-care, nagging, and feminine hygene.

#4: We could redefine "men" to include things like women.

#3: Every male player in every sport could tie a female player to his leg, in the manner of a three-legged race.

#2: A lottery could be held in each school. All members of the losing sex would undergo sexual-reorientation surgery.

#1: We could devolve as a species back into single-celled, asexual bacteria, where concepts like "sports" and "gender equality" are meaningless.

All the best.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Trade Rumors! Hooray!

With the trading deadline less than a week away , here's a quick look at trade rumors involving the favorite teams of some of this site's loyal readers. Thanks to MLB Trade Rumors, a very Gammonsesque source.

Boston Red Sox

Their fans invade our ballpark, and now I have to lead off the article with them? For some reason, the Sox haven't found a spot for Wily Mo Pena's talent, so he's a name that comes up often. In return, Boston may try to get Octavio Dotel or Reggie Sanders. With the high price the Yankees are being asked for Mark Teixeira (see below), the Sox have become the frontrunner for the Rangers first baseman. Presumably, Kevin Youkilis would move back to third and Mike Lowell would find a new home. (Interestingly enough, Teixeira started as a third baseman but moved to first when blocked by Hank Blalock. But I doubt he'll move back to the hot corner at this stage in his career.)
The Sox really want to improve their bullpen - why I don't know - with a guy like Akinori Otsuka of Texas or Chad Qualls of Houston. Boston was rumored to have scouts looking at Dodgers third base superprospect Andy LaRoche, but it is unclear who the Dodgers would want in return. Boston has wanted Bobby Kielty for a few weeks, and they may get him now that Oakland has designated him for assignment.
Looking ahead, the Red Sox may try to wine and dine Alex Rodriguez this offseason. That's what you call a slight improvement over Julio Lugo.

Chicago Cubs

The Cubs have already made some moves, shipping off Mark Barrett and replacing him later with Jason Kendall. Kendall brings veteran leadership, but his arm isn't what it used to, and the Cubs still don't have a receiver who can hit. They also shipped off Cesar Izturis and his contract to the Pirates to make sure Ryan Theriot and Ronny Cedeno get proper playing time.
What are the Cubs still looking for? The first thing is another bat in the outfield, with names like Adam Dunn, Xavier Nady, Jermaine Dye, Jeff Conine, and Ken Griffey, Jr. The presence of Dunn, Nady, and Conine on that list may also indicate that the Cubs are looking a bat that can play first base when Derek Lee is out of the lineup. Conine was rumored to be dealt straight up for Jacque Jones, but with Jones' improved play that may not happen. The Cubs are also looking at the pitching being made available by the White Sox, notably Jose Contreras. Zach Greinke of the Royals is a wildcard name. He's still only 23 and can pop the upper 90s out of the bullpen, but don't close the book on him as a starter yet. Still, I imagine his price will be high.

Cleveland Indians

There was a rumor that the Indians were looking at Kenny Lofton, but that was quickly squashed. Lofton quickly becomes disgruntled when he can't play center or bat leadoff. In Cleveland, both of those jobs belong to Grady Sizemore. Lofton would have played left and hit second. Theoretically, hitting him leadoff with Sizemore second would be effective, but I don't see Eric Wedge doing that.
The big thing the Indians are looking for is bullpen help. Specifically, they're looking at late-inning guys who can pitch the 8th in front of Joe Borowski, or fill in at closer if Borowski fails. The big name is Eric Gagne, but the Indians are not on the list of teams he wants to play for, and he wouldn't accept a "demotion" to setup man anyways. Octavio Dotel is another option, but Dotel is very popular and the Royals may set a high price because of that. The Indians are willing to trade prospects, but are not willing to trade can't miss guys like they did in the '90s with Brian Giles and Sean Casey. (The list of modern-day Caseys and Gileses includes Adam Miller, Franklin Gutierrez, and Ben Francisco. It may or may not include Aaron Laffey, who is rumored to make a showcase start later this week.) The darkhorse favorite among the blogging community is the very affordable and very effective Joaquin Benoit of Texas. The Indians are also looking at Jose Contreras, which is not a bad idea with both Clifford Lee and Jake Westbrook struggling.

New York Mets

The Mets are littered throughout trade rumors this July. It seems like everyone wants Lastings Milledge, or at least Carlos Gomez, so it will be interesting to see if the Metropolitans part with either of their young outfield talents. The White Sox have Jermaine Dye and Javier Vazquez, and the Southsiders have been looking for a centerfielder ever since trading away Aaron Rowand. (Coincidentally, they considered trying to reacquire Aaron Rowand earlier this year.) The Mets are looking at just about every reliever available on the market, including half of the relievers in the state of Texas. The Royals are asking for, surprise surprise, a centerfielder in return for Octavio Dotel. The Mets are also considering Chad Cordero, Akinori Otsuka, Salomon Torres, Brad Lidge, Dan Wheeler, and Chad Qualls. The Nats are asking for both Milledge and Mike Pelfrey for Cordero. The Mets are willing to trade Pelfrey if necessary, but he and Milledge are a lot to ask for in return for a guy who peaked last year and is already on the decline. But if the Nats throw Livan Hernandez in the deal, it starts to even out. Almost. Rumor has it that Lidge isn't available, but Wheeler and Qualls have been very popular names. The Mets may also try to pick up Mark Loretta from the Astros. Loretta has played all 4 infield spots this year, and he still hits well enough to be one of the best second basemen in the league. But the Mets may wait until the offseason and attempt to sign Luis Castillo. Reyes and Castillo up the middle and leading off the ballgame - imagine that combination! While we're looking at 2008, the Mets may attempt to dump Paul Lo Duca and add Ronny Paulino from the Pirates.

New York Yankees

Predictably, the Yankees are after the biggest names on the market. That means Gagne and Teixeira of the Rangers. But the Rangers are asking Philip Hughes and Joba Chamberlain for Teixeira. Those are the Yankees' two top prospects, which means that if they got rid of them, they'd have to shut down their minor league system for lack of players. The Yankees need help at first base, and have tried to offer Scott Proctor for Oakland's Dan Johnson. Johnson doesn't really hit well enough to play first base, and that's when he's actually doing well. Yeah, he'll survive in the Bronx. Another option is Troy Glaus, who could play first and back up Rodriguez at third. Speaking of backups, Mark Loretta and Wilson Betemit have seen interest from the Yankees, but I'm not sure why that's news. The Yankees have also scouted White Sox starter Jon Garland. Other than that, they're looking to dump payroll. Bobby Abreu has lost motivation again, which is sad considering his talent. Proctor and Rowdy Kyle Farnsworth are names out of the bullpen that frequently come up in Yankees rumors.

Pittsburgh Pirates

The Pirates are actually making some noise this July. They're openly trying to pry Jarrod Saltalamachia away from the Braves. Saltalamachia is blocked by Brian McCann in Atlanta, and the Braves seem reluctant to move him to first base despite a complete lack of production from that position this year. A lineup centered around Jason Bay, Adam LaRoche, and Salty would definitely be a step in the right direction for Pittsburgh. The Dodgers are also rumored to be offering Matt Kemp. Both the Braves and the Dodgers want starter Ian Snell. Considering the way Tom Gorzelanny has developed,that may not be too bad of a deal for the Buccos. There was also a rumor that the Blue Jays were interested in Jack Wilson, but I'm not sure why. The Jays are looking to upgrade offense at short, but Wilson has always been a defensive guy. Is he really that much of an improvement over John MacDonald? Toronto may have already changed its mind, but if this trade goes down, the Bucs may get Troy Glaus.

Seattle Mariners

The M's are in position to make a push at the wildcard, and they're going to make a run for it. They're trying to unload Richie Sexson, but no one wants to pay $14 million for a guy who's hitting .197. Looking to upgrade offense, the Mariners are eyeing Jermaine Dye, Dmitri Young, and Ken Griffey, Jr. The M's already have three 1B/DH types in Sexson, Ben Broussard, and Jose Vidro, so one of those would have to go if Young was added. Not to say that Young wouldn't be an improvement over any of those guys, because he would. But he's certainly no outfielder or third baseman anymore (if he ever was a third baseman). To support Felix Hernandez, Seattle is looking at Dontrelle Willis, who the Mariners vehemently deny being available, and Livan Hernandez. Even if Willis was available, Florida president burned the bridge to Seattle by publicly bad mouthing the Ichiro signing. Hernandez, of course, could possibly be packaged with Willis for some young talent.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Editor's Note: Looks like I had some catching up to do.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Topps is producing insert cards that commemorate each one of Barry Bonds' career homers. If you put all 745 of them together, they're slightly smaller than the size of his head.

Speaking of big things, Tony Gwynn said he plans to enter the Hall of Fame like he batted: at around 330.

According to a new study, Yankee Stadium sells 30,000 hot dogs during each home game, and only half of them are to Jason Giambi.

Most of the players on the New York Mets shaved their heads. Nothing brings fans out to the park like a big group of skinheads with bats. In a related story, John Rocker is now a Mets fan.

The Brewers recently gave away two free tickets to any fan willing to undergo a free prostate exam. Management must be getting fans ready for what it will feel like when they collapse.

Update on the NHL playoffs: they're still happening. Yesterday, some team beat some other team. Even Canadians would rather watch baseball.

And the NBA has the highest ever percentage of minority executives in men's sports history. If you count Isiah Thomas as an executive.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Sammy Sosa is closing in on 600 home runs. To celebrate, he uncorked a new bat.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays played a three game series at Disney World in an attempt to increase their exposure in the Orlando area. Which makes sense, since they've always been a Mickey Mouse operation.

A recent survey of 464 Major League Baseball players named Barry Bonds the least friendly player in the game. On the positive side, it's the first time Bonds has won anything without cheating. And his approval ratings are still higher than George Bush.

The Phillies scheduled Danny DeVito to throw out a first pitch. It's the first time the mound dwarfs the man throwing off of it.

In football, Washington's Clinton Portis defended Michael Vick, saying dog fighting was not nearly as criminal as selling Redskins season tickets.

Another Cincinnati Bengal was arrested. Why should this night be different from all others?

Turning to basketball, Greg Oden wants to try out for the U.S. Olympic team this summer, assuming summer school ends in time.

Speaking of summer school, Phoenix Suns star Amare Stoudemire will take classes at Arizona State this summer. Unfortunately, the classes will not be in anger management.

And Michelle Wie is looking for another chance to make the PGA Tour. Unfortunately, her parents took away her Play Station.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Nashville Predators might be moving north now that they’ve been purchased by a Canadian businessman. It's uncertain as to whether anyone in Tennessee will actually notice. This is the biggest scam pulled on Nashville by a Canadian since Shania Twain's career.

Nike is resuming soccer ball production in Pakistan. Who better to make toys for five-year-olds than other five-year-olds?

Former NBA player Henry James has been sentenced to five years in jail after being caught dealing cocaine while his six young children were with him. Worst Bring Your Child to Work Day ever.

Memphis small forward Mike Miller is donating $1 million to help ill children. It's not as generous as you may think. Most of the children became ill after watching the Grizzlies play.

Gary Payton is leaning towards retirement. We’d prefer if he fell completely into it. Payton said he wants to spend more time at home trash talking with his children.

Dodger Stadium now has an all-you-can-eat section where fans can feast on Dodger Dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soda. The seats will attract both fat people in LA. And make the Dodgers more appealing to David Wells.

And Michael Vick is continuing to deny reports that he was at a dog fight. However, it was difficult to hear him over all of those dogs.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The University of Colorado has recently raised $125 million. The money will be used to bring the football program a higher caliber sexual assault victim.

FSN has reached an agreement to sublicense up to 10 college football games to Versus. The nation's fly fishing fans are furious. You remember Versus, don't you? It's the place where hockey went to die.

Detroit Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers is being accused of groping a stripper. Someone wants to get traded to Cincinnati.

Speaking of crime, the Sopranos series finale squashed Game Two of the NBA Finals. Viewers preferred to watch something they couldn't predict.

The Orlando Magic have signed Stan Van Gundy to coach the team. Billy Donovan applauded the club before changing his mind later on that day.

In golf news, 12-year-old Alexis Thompson qualified for the women's U.S. Open. Thompson now has as many Majors as Michelle Wie.

John Daly told authorities his wife Sherrie tried to stab him with a steak knife. Daly was thankfully able to defend himself easily while still finishing his t-bone. Thankfully Sherrie, like her husband, just missed the cut.

In other golf news, U.S. Open players are concerned about what many are calling golf's most perilous hazard: John Daly's wife.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Three-time boxing champion James Toney has tested positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when his head couldn't fit through the ropes.

USA Today reported that 48% of Americans have played organized basketball, and the rest have played for the Knicks. The paper also reported that 1% of French athletes 11-years-old and under have already used performance enhancing drugs. The others just drink wine like they're supposed to.

Enrique Iglesias just released a new album entitled "Insomniac." If you shared a bed with Anna Kournikova, you wouldn't want to sleep much either.

Dikembe Mutombo, Edgar Martinez and Kyle Petty were inducted to Boise, Idaho's World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Most overheard comment? "You've got a funny accent."

Speaking of humanitarians, Cavs forward Ira Newble recently met with 15 Darfur refugees living in Cleveland. That's the first time anyone has ever been excited to move to Cleveland.

Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was unable to practice after being shot in the groin with a paintball. Too bad he didn't get shot in a less sensitive part of his body, like his head.

The Yankees made history by signing two 19-year-old players from China's baseball association. It was mainly historical because the Yankees signed pitchers that weren't close to retirement. The Yankees were hoping to get another 38-year-old, but two 19-year-olds will do.

And speaking of young, Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes is in trouble again, this time for impregnating the 17-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. Dukes swears she looked 18 – which would make her the 18-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. And that's TOTALLY okay.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Jeff Gordon and his wife on their new daughter Ella. Ella will be sponsored by Dupont.

The NBA's Paul Pierce and Austin Powers star Verne Troyer got into an argument after Pierce addressed Troyer as "Mini Me." Luckily it was just a small argument, and ended shortly.

LeBron James has been appointed commissioner of The Bubblicious Ultimate Bubble Blowing League. Because no one knows more about having a bubble burst than LeBron James.

The NHL is hoping that new league wide uniforms will help boost interest in the sport. All five people watching on Versus will really appreciate the effort.

Many baseball fans are still talking about Sammy Sosa hitting his 600th career homerun. Enough already – put a cork in it. Congratulations Sammy – to think how many empty wine bottles that must have taken.

Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks suspects that two-time AL MVP Juan Gonzalez may have used steroids. Hicks also suspects that the earth may indeed orbit around the sun.

A monkey will throw out the ceremonial first pitch before an upcoming game at Fenway Park. She'll be the hairiest creature to take the mound in Boston since David Wells.

And a woman spent one million dollars on a conman pretending to be Pedro Martinez. The man was proven to be a fraud when it was discovered he could pitch.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Craig Biggio, who became the 27th major leaguer with 3,000 hits. And it only took him 3,000 seasons.

A group of New York Yankees went to visit injured Iraq war veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Because if there's anyone who knows about getting shelled, it's the New York Yankees.

Struggling Yankee reliever Scott Proctor tried to improve his fortunes by setting his equipment on fire. The Yankees are considering doing the same thing to Bobby Abreau.

In tennis, Roger Federer won his 50th straight match on grass. No one has played this well on grass since Ricky Williams.

The NFL has folded its European League after 16 years. Football fans in Estonia are crushed.

The Louisiana state legislature has voted to ban cockfighting. Looks like the Saints won't be playing the Falcons this year.

The Philadelphia Flyers have agreed to a $52 million contract with free agent forward Daniel Briere. To pay his salary, they'll be selling the franchise three times.

A couple in England gave their daughter 25 middle names, each the last name of a former boxing champion. It's the first time the birth certificate will weigh more than the baby itself. And the baby is already drooling and babbling like the best of them.

And Mike Tyson is livid that WBA Heavyweight champion Ryslan Chagaev is being called "the White Tyson" simply due to his similar physique. Chagaev apologized and promised that he'll also start eating babies.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Roger Federer, who tied Bjorn Borg's record of five straight Wimbledon titles without a personality.

The Knicks are currently trying to land troubled forward Ron Artest, because they're not already enough of a train wreck. Good thinking. Artest should really thrive in a quiet, sheltered environment like New York.

Kobe Bryant apologized to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak for his disparaging comments about the team. Great that they could sit down face to two-face.

Grant Hill has signed a two-year contract with the Suns. The contract will cost Phoenix $3.8 million in salary and $10 million in hospital bills.

Olympic leaders have voted to create a new Olympics for athletes aged 14-18. We have that already - it's called "the Olympics."

NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series and Red Horse team driver Aaron Fike was arrested on charges of possession of heroin. It's nice to see that NASCAR is finally trying to reach out to an urban audience. Red Horse Racing is considering changing its name to White Horse Racing.

Washington Nationals pitcher Jesus Colome has been admitted to a hospital with an infection to his right buttocks. The infection seems to stem from Colome getting it kicked too much.

And former major leaguer Jim Abbott has been inducted into the College Baseball Hall of Fame. I guess that's the sound of one hand clapping.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

In Nashville, DUI charges against former Titan QB Steve McNair have been dropped. Much like all the Titans passes.

The Carolina Panthers have signed Philippe Gardent, a former member of the French national bobsled team. Which is perfect in case the Panthers win it all, because Hell would have frozen over.

French long jumper Salim Sdiri was accidentally hit with a javelin at an athletics meet in Rome. Hey, hole in one!

In baseball, David Wells has been suspended seven games for arguing with an umpire. We're just happy Wells didn't eat him.

The New York Mets have designated 48-year-old infielder Julio Franco for assignment. To Shady Pines retirement home.

The Phillies became the first team in pro sports team to lose 10,000 games. Don't worry Raider fans, you've still got the only team to lose by 10,000 points.

Longtime major league umpire Shag Crawford has died at the age of 90. Dozens of managers assembled to kick dirt on his coffin.

Astros manager Phil Garner has said he's willing to use voodoo to get into the head of Cubs' right-hander Carlos Zambrano. Why bother? All Michael Barrett needed was his right fist.

Last weekend at the WNBA All-Star game, Nike donated $25,000 worth of merchandise to kids in DC. That's right - three pairs of shoes!

And NBA top pick Greg Oden will miss the next 3 weeks. Not because he's getting his tonsils removed, but because he's already fouled out.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Title IX Dissenting-ish Opinion

Thanks to Ellen.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18758554/site/newsweek/

Sunday, July 15, 2007

35 Years of Title IX

June 23 marked the 35th anniversary of Title IX. If you're not a sexist pig, be sure to check out the many interesting articles on these sites:

SaveTitleIX.com
TitleIX.info

Monday, July 09, 2007

Ask Hal

Those of you who know me well know that my favorite sportswriter is, or was, Hal Lebovitz. It all started with his "Ask Hal" columns, where the former player/coach/scorekeeper/umpire/referee would answer questions sent in by readers. That's why I was excited when I heard his best questions and answers had been compiled into a book. It's also why I was even more excited - honored - when the fine people at Gray & Co. offered me a free copy for review.

Ask Hal: Answers to Fans' Most Interesting Questions About Baseball Rules from a Hall-of-Fame Sportswriter, as its subtitle suggests, is limited to baseball questions. But it's still the perfect addition to my personal library. In this book, Mr. Lebovitz has an answer to almost any baseball situation you can think of. Also included are two "quizzes": one set of "fair vs. foul" questions, and one set of "does the run count" questions.

Example: The book came to my house while I was away on vacation. At the College World Series, Sarah and I posed these brain teasers to each other:

Name ten ways to reach first base.
If a batted ball hits a baserunner while they are still standing on the base, are they out or safe?
One out, runners on first and third. A fly ball is caught for the second out. The runner on third tags properly and scores. After that runner scores, the defense realizes that the runner on first did not tag, and they throw back to first base for the final out. Does the run count?

The final situation actually occurred at a CWS game. Sarah was not sure what happened, so she called me to ask if the umpires made the correct call. I guess that they did, and also guessed why they did. Do you know what they called, and why or why not it wasn't correct? And do you know the answers to the other two? If you think you do, post them on the message board. By the way, when I returned home, all three questions were answered in the first 44 pages of the book!

I've always been a Hal fan, and a baseball fan who has taken pride in knowing the rules and knowing how to keep score. So it shouldn't be a surprise that I have nothing but praise for this book. If you're any sort of a baseball fan, chances are you'll love it to!

Fun Facts
Courtesy Gray & Co.
Years "Ask Hal" ran in Cleveland newspapers:
1957-2005

Estimated number of questions asked during the entire run of "Ask Hal":
175,000-200,000

Most frequently asked baseball rule question:
Readers asked to have the infield fly rule explained and clarified more than any other in baseball.

Most frequently asked non-rule baseball question:
Did anyone ever hit a home run into the bleachers at Cleveland Municipal Stadium? According to Hal, this was asked about 50 times a year, "and the answer is still, 'No.'"

More Information

Book Website
Press Release
Sample Pages
About the Author
Where to Buy the Book

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Top Eleven Ways Baseball Is Just Like Chess, In Increasing Order Of How Lame I Think It Is

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Road Trip!

I'm going to (try to) live blog my big Midwest Barnstorming Tour on a separate site. Check it out here. Wish me luck as I head out today.

(Apologies to CPF for blatantly stealing his template.)

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Top Twelve Ways Work Could Benefit By Being More Like Professional Sports, In Ascending Order Of How Much I Want Them

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

#12: Trophies and Recognition. If I sell the most widgets in my industry, then by God I want a trophy with a little bronze man on the top holding a widget high for the world to see. And I want my name in the Widget Hall of Fame.

#11: Mascots. Everybody in the office will get a morale boost after watching Wally the Widget's wacky hijinks.

#10: Pads. And I'm not just talking shin-guards. I want body armor, like a baseball catcher or a hockey goalie or anything football. The possibilities are limitless.

#9: Stadium-style concessions. Hot dogs, beer, Dippin' Dots, Cracker Jacks, and so forth. I want vendors walking the hallways, shouting their wares and tossing them to us as needed.

#8: A penalty box, with associated infractions. Take the last cup of coffee without starting a new pot? That's a two-minute penalty. Cross-check the guy from marketing? That's another two-minute penalty.

#7: A diligent team of personal trainers and physical therapists. You'll never have another muscle cramp again.

#6: The instant replay rule, with multiple slow-motion angles and appropriate in-depth analysis:
"As you can see, Carol, I actually did submit my expense report before the deadline."

#5: Shady recruitment practices:
"Why yes, I will take that Hummer. Weekend in Vegas? No problem. One free pass on steroid use? How thoughtful."

#4: Trading cards. These would include appropriate statistics, position information, and action shots on the back. Free pink-flavored piece of balsa wood with every pack. Rookie and hologram cards would be very rare and sought after.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: Play-by-play analysis and color commentary by veterans of the business:
"It appears, Tom, that he's going with the green laser pointer for the second part of his presentation."
"That's an interesting gambit, Joe. I haven't seen this technique since the Widget Design and Analysis overview of '04."
"Right you are. Let's see how it plays out for him."

#1: Multi-million-dollar contracts.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

This week was the 70th anniversary of the Hindenburg crash. To commemorate the event, the Dallas Mavericks cleaned out their lockers.

The Yankees signed Roger Clemens to a one-year contract giving fans who set fire to their Clemens jerseys a chance to buy new ones. We look forward to next year, when we get to see which team Clemens retires from.

Across town, a fan has been banned from Shea Stadium after pleading guilty to shining a high-powered flashlight at a pair of players. Kansas City offered him season tickets, since the Royals haven't had a bright spot in years.

In another incident at Shea, a Mets fan filed suit after a 300-pound man fell on her at a game. It's the worst thing to happen to the Mets since Juan Samuel.

Phillies pitcher Freddy Garcia was injured in a collision with an equipment cart. This season, everyone is hitting Freddy Garcia.

HBO is producing a six-part miniseries about the 2004 World Champion Red Sox. Jimmy Fallon has already begun laughing on camera.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has touched on the possibility of a Super Bowl outside the United States. Assuming everyone's parole officers let them leave the country.

And Warren Sapp reported to Raiders Camp 50 pounds lighter and can now be weighed by conventional equipment. When asked how he did it, Sapp told reporters he skipped lunch.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

My Managerial Debut

Due to various, well, pregnancies, I almost wasn't going to have a coed softball team to play on this summer. That was, until F-Bomb and I decided to take charge of the team. Despite being a little last minute, we were able to secure a sponsors and (almost) enough players to put together a team. Once that was settled, I spent the next few weeks researching various thoughts on the defensive spectrum and lineup optimization. You think I'm joking. As I told Dave, it's like one of my EA Sports "people I know" dynasties, but in real life. Of course, there's also the human side of things, like scheduling, "egos," and the like. (In our case, though, most egos need to be inflated rather than deflated.)

The season opener finally came this past Tuesday. Starting Monday night, I was very fired up for my managerial debut. Of course, the league decided to antagonize my anxiousness by giving us the latest possible start time - 8:30. I struggled through work Tuesday, running over dozens of lineup combinations in my head. After I got home from work at 5:30, I immediately fired up Major League in my laptop. I figured there was no better way to mentally prepare for my debut.

Finally it was time to get dressed and make the long drive out to Westlake. I got there 30 minutes early, and was thrilled to see some of my teammates already there. I had too much on my mind to warm up, so instead I made sure everyone had a contact card filled out. The game before us ended at 8:20 (early? what?), and the umpires immediately yelled for lineups for our game. Great, we were still a girl short. I scribbled down a lineup based on some of the options I had prepared in Excel earlier that day. (Again, I kid you not.)

When it came time to take the field, we were still a girl short, and the umps were in no mood to be patient. I quickly reshuffled our defense, and tried to line myself up to cover the entire left side of the outfield against a lefty batter. Of course, the batter promptly hits the ball to the opposite field. As I drifted to my right, I realized I had taken a bad route, and watched the ball sail over my head. Turning back to recover it, I hit an uneven patch with high grass. I struggled to keep my balance, but it wasn't happening. Our season began with an inside the park home run and me flat on my face. Great.

Our final girl showed up a few minutes later. I was my usual uptight self, but fortunately I had F-Bomb in full robble robble mode to keep me in line. Highlights from the rest of the game:

Yes we were run-ruled, and yes we only scored some run, but there's some talent on this team. Look out.

Our shortstop is a left-handed thrower, but he played fantastic defense to earn his spot.

Speaking of defense, we still have some kinks to work out, but there's a lot of potential out there.

Personally hitting was just as interesting as my defensive play. For my first plate appearance, I was leading off an inning. I was so preoccupied, I stepped into the box while the pitcher was still warming up... and promptly too a practice pitch square to the crown of my head. There's still a little "rug burn" from my hat on my forehead today.

I was afraid to do a Google image search of ball+face, but this isn't too bad.

In my next at bat, I hit a trademark infield single. I beat this one out by more than a step, so either I'm getting faster, or the infielder bobbled it and everyone was too nice to tell me.

After running out my infield single, I didn't have enough gas to make it to second when the girl following me hit a first-pitch grounder to third. I was easily thrown out at second, and on my way back to the dugout I was chided by our shortstop for not "accidentally" taking out one of the cute middle infielders with a slide. He had done a similar thing last year, and ended up with the girl's number.

When the umps announced the end of the game, I told my team to "Shake hands and go drink!" Sounds like a great motto for this team.

Go Ironwood!

Oh, and I already have a great newfound respect for managers and coaches alike.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

NBA commissioner David Stern is thinking about adding several teams in China. Spud Webb can finally realize his dream of playing center.

Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas was seen getting cozy with model Tyra Banks at New York's Club 66. If that's what 33 wins gets him, imagine who he could be dating if his team was any good. Perhaps Thomas should be featured on her show, walking around the city in a Rangers uniform to see how a winning coach feels.

Speculation has increased that Heat forward Antoine Walker may retire, which is what we thought he did during half the games this season.

A new study suggests that more than 40 percent of NASCAR fans are women. The survey could be wrong, however, as differentiating between male and female hillbillies is often impossible.

Campbell's spent $58 million on ads for Chunky Soup last year. $56 million of that was spent on feeding Jerome Bettis in between takes.

Boxer Acelino Freitas quit in the ring for the second time. Evander Holyfield? Tommy Morrison? Are you paying attention?

Writers are saying the Mayweather Vs. De la Hoya megafight could return boxing to it's former glory. It will be so much like old times that neither one of them will get to keep any of the white people's money.

And Yankees' pitcher Chien-Ming Wang suffered a split nail on the middle finger of his throwing hand. Tragic, as that's the finger he needs to communicate with fellow New Yorkers. George Steinbrenner is livid, as there's nothing worse than having an injured Wang.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

FSN Northwest will not renew a broadcast deal with the Portland Trail Blazers. The network has decided to move away from amateur athletics.

Speaking of amateur athletics, the Boston Celtics severed ties with guard Sebastian Telfair after he was arrested with a loaded gun in his car. Too bad - Telfair was the only shooter on the team.

Lenny Wilkens has been promoted from vice chairman to president of the Seattle SuperSonics. Apparently, he was the fifth caller. Congratulations, Lenny - that's the equivalent of being promoted from 1st mate to captain on the Titanic.

In baseball, Milwaukee Brewers manager Ned Yost broke his collarbone while jogging. Thousands of midwestern sports fans plan on using the incident as an excuse to work out even less. A Brewer collapsing. Wow - is it July already?

Deceased running back Damien Nash's brain has been donated to science. What a blow to Pacman Jones, who has been waiting for a brain for some time now.

Parry O'Brien, the 3-time Olympic shot putter who founded the spinning technique, died at age 75. His last words were, "UUUGGGHHHH!!!" His ashes were spread at sea, precisely 75.3 meters from the boat.

And a man in jail for the last 25 years became the nation's 200th inmate to be set free because of DNA evidence. Also this week, O.J. Simpson had a great round of golf.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Monday, April 30, 2007

Ten Penalties That Need To Be Officially Recognized By Football Referees, in Increasing Order Of Severity

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

#10: Unspecified Error
Cause: Something definitely happened, but nobody really saw exactly what.
Signal: Exaggerated shoulder shrug.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the first infraction, 10-yard penalty for each additional infraction.

#9: Excessive Momentum
Cause: A team makes a series of good plays.
Signal: The running man dance.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty.

#8: Coach Bloviation
Cause: A coach enters the field shouting at the referee.
Signal: Talk-to-the-hand, with associated head movements.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the team, loss of a time out.

#7: End-Zone Lameness
Cause: A totally lame celebratory end-zone dance.
Signal: Jazz hands.
Penalty: 10-yard penalty, two-minute loss of JumboTron privileges.

#6: T.V. Delay Of Game
Cause: T.V. commercial break takes too long.
Signal: Knob-twisting motions with both hands.
Penalty: Loss of a T.V. Timeout.

#5: Illegal Hair Length
Cause: A player enters the field that has hair below the helmet line.
Signal: Slow-motion shampoo commercial hair flip.
Penalty: Loss of down, loss of hair.

#4: Illegal Gimmick
Cause: Team uses a gimmick to pull the train.
Signal: Drum-major high-step march in place, with associated baton movements.
Penalty: 15-yard penalty, loss of dignity.

#3: Illegal Victory
Cause: The wrong team wins the game.
Signal: Sweeping, frantic no-no-no hand-waiving.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty, loss of game.

#2: Sportsmanlike Conduct
Cause: Any overt act that suggests a player or team is superior to an opposing player or team.
Signal: Sit on ground, sob like a four-year-old.
Penalty: Group Hug, trophies for everybody.

#1: Divine Intervention
Cause: Deity performs a miracle that affects play.
Signal: Prostration.
Penalty: Purgatory.

All the best.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

NFL Draft Review

What, original content?

From the Cleveland Browns' Perspective

It was a wild but successful first round for the Browns. Cleveland took OT Joe Thomas with the third overall pick, but they weren't done yet. After Brady Quinn was still around as of the 22nd pick, Cleveland traded their 2007 second round pick and 2008 first round pick to Dallas for the chance to draft Quinn. Fans and "experts" alike are hailing this as the day that potential puts the Cleveland Browns franchise back on track.

It looked like the Browns were out of the second round, until GM Phil Savage swung another deal. After trading for a second round pick, the Browns picked up troubled DB Eric Wright. Wright is a first round talent, but a troubled past got him kicked out of USC. After that, he ended up at UNLV. When interviewed, Romeo Crennel pointed out that if Wright can stay trouble free in Las Vegas of all places for two years, his character shouldn't be much of an issue any more.

Following Wright, the Browns picked up another cornerback and two defensive ends. The Browns are decent at corner when their players are healthy, but that's happening less and less these days. Both DEs are big enough to play the line in a 3-4, and will be the heir apparents to the aging Orpheus Roye.

The Browns finished out their draft with Syndric Steptoe, a WR/returner. If Steptoe has an impressive training camp, he essentially replaces the departed Dennis Northcutt.

From Notre Dame's Perspective

It was a long day for Quinn, but in the end it turned out well. Perhaps wisely, the Browns chose to strengthen their line with the #3 pick. (Someone related their previous first round picks to a sugar rush.) But after Miami took Ted Ginn at #9 (even Cleveland-area radio announcers thought that that was far too high for Ginn), no one else really needed a QB... until the Browns traded for the little kid in the Bernie Kosar uniform.

Victor Abiamiri and Ryan Harris have found themselves in great situations. Abiamiri is going to the Eagles, where he will backup Jevon Kearse. Harris was drafted into the Broncos system, which has always turned out great offensive linemen. In what is perhaps not a coincidence, Denver usually employs "undersized" but agile linemen.

Derek Landri was picked up by Jacksonville in the 5th round, a tribute to his "motor." It will be interesting to see what position the undersized Landri plays in the pros.

In another feel-good move for ND fans, the Patriots drafted Mike Richardson in the 6th round. Richardson is a smart player who arguably could play safety as well as corner. This proves that Richardson was perhaps the most improved defensive player of the Charlie Weis era to date.

The Bengals used two 7th round picks on Dan Santucci and Nedu Ndukwe. In a way, Santucci makes up for the loss of Eric Steinbach to Cleveland, while Ndukwe was no doubt drafted for his athleticism and potential.

Perhaps surprisingly, neither Darius Walker and Rhema McKnight went undrafted. But by the time you read this, they will probably have signed with a team as free agents.

Finally, a note that will hopefully serve as a preview for an upcoming ND baseball alumni update. Jeff Samardzija is doing well in the High A Florida State League, but has tough luck earning his first win. Meanwhile, Jeff Manship's numbers have been outstanding in the Low A Midwest League. Sure, he's playing in a lower league than Samardzija, but Manship's performance is still nothing to scoff at.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

This week marked the beginning of the NBA playoffs. Or as the Hawks call it: vacation time.

Elsewhere in basketball, Upper Deck Authenticated's new Kobe Bryant action figure is so realistic you can't even get the ball out of his hands.

Fox featured San Diego State alumni Mark Grace, Jeanne Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy on the same program. We're not sure what's stranger; the fact that all three broadcasters attended the same school or the fact that three San Diego State grads actually managed to find jobs.

Texas Rangers closer Eric Gagne is back on the disabled list, upsetting the one fantasy owner who picked up Eric Gagne. Gagne blames his newest injury on the rehab work he did at Walter Reed Army Medical Center

Cubs broadcaster Ron Santo is in the hospital while undergoing tests for an irregular heartbeat. What brought on the palpitations? Following the Cubs.

Detroit Tigers first baseman Sean Casey flew home recently to find his car up on cinder blocks with the windows smashed in. Authorities have ruled out Manny Ramirez, who is incapable of hitting anything.

Justin Timberlake announced that he'd like to play professional golf. Joey Fatone is excited, as he was looking for a new job caddying.

And the Indianapolis Colts visited the White House. President Bush was happy for the change of pace - meeting an offensive line instead of uttering one. Bush was presented with a #43 jersey, commemorating his status as America's 43rd president, as well as all 43 states.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Top NFL draft prospect Amobi Okoye admitted during interviews at the NFL combine that he has used marijuana. Teams are now wary of drafting him, as they now have to factor in the price of all those Cheetos.

Barry Bonds is continuing his pursuit of Hank Aaron. Let's hope all of this success doesn't go to his head. His massive, melon shaped head.

In basketball, Detroit Pistons guard Flip Murray says three gunshots were fired into his home by a pair of masked men. All three shots missed wildly, leading police to suspect that one of the shooters may have been Antoine Walker.

SuperSonics majority owner Clay Bennett has announced that Seattle will no longer have a basketball team beyond the 2007-08 season. The news shocked fans, who thought the Sonics stopped playing basketball in the late nineties.

Curtis Strange and Hubert Green have been elected to the World Golf Hall of Fame. The news was greeted by a very quiet and polite round of applause.

Friends report that reality star and wrestler Hulk Hogan has been quarreling nearly nonstop with his wife. Luckily no one has been hurt as all of their fights are heavily choreographed and planned out in advance.

David Beckham has been selected as the sexiest dad among a list of sexy entertainers and athletes. Former NBA star Shawn Kemp did not win, despite 75 of his children casting ballots.

And Nike took out a full-page ad in the New York Times thanking disgraced radio host Don Imus for bringing the issues of race relations and sexism to the forefront. The company also plans on throwing a parade for John Rocker. Imus' joke has also led to a lucrative book deal for the Rutgers coach Vivian Stringer. The book is tentatively titled, Acting for Beginners.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Kenya's Robert Cheruiyot, who won the Boston Marathon by outrunning the rest of the Kenyans. We're tired of Americans losing every marathon, and are starting our own. The course will be nine miles and can be driven.

Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano's girlfriend will be photographed for Maxim. Unless she gets injured first.

In basketball, Tim Duncan was given a technical foul and thrown out of a game for laughing at a call while on the bench. Officials feared for their safety as it's the first time Duncan has ever smiled.

Georgetown juniors Jeff Green and Roy Hibbert will submit their names for the NBA draft but will not sign with agents. That's great news for savvy NBA teams who are looking to sign the players for $15 a piece.

Turning to football, Minnesota Vikings cornerback Cedric Griffin was arrested at a night club for refusing to pull up his pants. Mr. Griffin, there is a time and a place for that kind of behavior, and that's on a cruise with the rest of your team.

Tennis star Andre Agassi hit wife Stefi Graf in the face with a tennis racquet during a charity event. Crazy what married people are into. In related news, Agassi ex Brooke Shields is no longer depressed.

And a 102-year-old woman has become the oldest golfer to ever record a hole-in-one. The woman was thrilled once she learned that she was golfing. She'll be even more thrilled when they tell her again in 20 minutes.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Denzel Washington's son will make his NFL Europa debut for the Hamburg Sea Devils. Well done, Jackie Robinson! Denzel said he is very proud of his son for making it as a European football player, and he's such a good actor that he said it convincingly, too.

In American football, Drew Bledsoe finally retired - from being benched. Unfortunately he's already being benched from retirement in favor of Jake Plummer.

Suspended Titan Pac-Man Jones was ringside for his best friend Zab Judah's fight with Ruben Galvan, mainly because he's got nothing else to do. Thankfully, the fight was not in Vegas. Now that the suspended Tennessee Titan has the year free, may we suggest he try his hand at acting. First audition? The Longest Yard-Part II.

More trouble from the Imus scandal as new tapes reveal that he also said the Rutgers women's basketball team was "from New Jersey."

And the Chicago Blackhawks will have the first pick in the NHL Draft. The Blackhawks plan on using the pick to draft a new franchise. Either that or to draft fans that care.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Snowstorms forced the Indians to play the Angels in Milwaukee. Fans at Miller Park were thankfully too drunk to tell the difference.

Elsewhere in baseball, Atlanta Braves pitcher Mike Hampton will miss his second straight season because of elbow surgery. Eric Gagne is suing for plagiarism.

Olympic sprinter Tim Montgomery pleaded guilty to conspiracy in a multi-million dollar bank fraud scheme. Too bad - Montgomery was planning to use the money to buy more steroids. Authorities plan on giving the sprinter five to ten years behind bars – if they can catch him.

The 300-pound, slow moving Florida manatee will be removed from the endangered species list and will instead play line for the Miami Dolphins. Although if he can pitch, the Padres are also interested.

A Slovenian man broke a world record by swimming down the Amazon River in 65 days, and is still furious with his travel agent. Americans would be more impressed if we could locate Slovenia on a map. Or the Amazon.

And UCLA's legendary basketball coach John Wooden has been hospitalized with a stomach problem. Doctors say the problem started after Wooden watched Yoakim Noah shoot a free throw. Doctors are optimistic, however. If Wooden survived the bling-bling era, he can probably pull through anything.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

International players now make up 29% of Major League Baseball. So if you've gotten an American education, that's more than half. The New York Mets have the most international players on their current roster with 72,000. Half of Boston's roster is foreign born, but they all get bussed in.

In Louisville, the saddle worn by last year's Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is expected to fetch the highest bid at a charity auction. Expected to fetch the lowest bid? A large bottle of glue.

CFL running back Ricky Williams has applied to be reinstated in the NFL, after using up all the pot in Toronto. Scouts are skeptical, as Williams has already taken way too many hits.

In basketball, Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas will likely miss the rest of the season after knee surgery. Many Wizards fans wish they could be so lucky. Arenas' injury is unfortunate, as he is the best team in the Eastern Conference.

And two 43-year old former world champion boxers squared off this week. The two were told to touch gloves, keep it clean, and put a coat on - it's cold out. We're looking forward to next week, when the winner takes on Max Schmeling.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Sammy Sosa on making the Texas Rangers opening day roster. Thankfully for Sosa, most restaurants in Arlington do not charge a corkage fee.

Those watching a recent Cubs-Diamondbacks game were treated to a rare sight: a female umpire. Just what ballplayers need - an official who remembers the details of every single argument, and will also bring up arguments from previous games.

In basketball, LeBron James cheered up his teammates after their loss to the Knicks by taking them to a topless bar. His plan worked great - it was the most focused the team has been all year long.

Injured superstar Dwyane Wade practiced for the first time in 6 weeks and should be ready for the playoffs, assuming the Eastern Conference bothers to show up.

Golf Digest did not include Trump International Golf Club on its list of "America's 100 Greatest Courses." Reviewers didn't like the way the sand traps had been combed over. And the casino on the 12th hole is just gaudy.

The NFL has cancelled an exhibition game in China between the Patriots and Seahawks, disappointing the millions of Matt Hasselback fans in mainland China.

And NFL League owners have voted 30-2 to make the video replay system a permanent officiating tool. In related news, NFL League owners have voted 30-2 to make the video replay system a permanent officiating tool. The Detroit Lions will not use the replay system, as they always make the same mistakes anyway.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Top Ten Changes to the Game of Golf that Should Happen Before I will Consider It a Sport, In Ascending Order of Necessity

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

#10: Uniforms. You should be able to look at a golfer without risk of seizures, queasiness, or other physical maladies.

#9: No more caddies. The golfer will need to carry his own clubs. A quiver arrangement would probably be the coolest looking. But anything else, like a hip sheath, would also be acceptable.

Of course, #9 is maybe the least likely to happen. We'll never sell any of these changes if we can't convince the Caddy Mafia. For those caddies out there who now want me "whacked" for #9, please ignore #9 and accept #8.

#8: "Caddy" is now another position on the golf "team". In addition to carrying the clubs and keeping up with the golfer, the caddy will be in charge of all defensive maneuvers. If the golfer is the equivalent of a quarterback, the caddy will now be something of a defensive back.

#7: Timed games. You can time the whole course, but I would think timing each hole would be more flexible. The best competitions always have a sense of energy, of urgency. People will watch chess if it's timed. (Note: Baseball could also benefit from a clock, but this isn't my baseball rant.)

#6: Mascots. At least at the professional level. If you go with #8 you'll have a team, and all sports teams have mascots. If you go with #9, you'll have plenty of former caddies who could immediately fill your new mascot positions.

#5: More Hazard Types. All right, we've got sand traps and we've got water traps. That's a good start, but it gets monotonous. I'm not saying we have to go totally miniature-golf at a macro level, but how about some hedges on the fairway? Or mud pits? They can be hazards for the golfer, too. Remember, time is now a factor. Crank up the fog machine. Put up some hurdles.

Okay, #5 may be too much of a departure. But if you discount #5, you'll have to go with #4.

#4: More Existing Hazard Types. Break up that fairway with a few more sand traps. Get some streams running through the fairway, deep enough to give the golfer a struggle as he hurries to the next shot but not so much that you have to caulk the wagon and float it across.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: Similar to #7 but more important; There needs to be a shot clock. If you regularly hit the ball two-hundred-fifty yards, you'd better be able to run two-hundred-fifty yards in under a minute. Or thirty seconds. Or however long it takes an average person to run two-hundred-fifty yards and still have a chance of lining up the next shot.

#1: Defense. A sport cannot be a sport without defense. Let your opponent get to putt your ball away after every one of your shots. Maybe your opponent gets to place a hazard. Maybe your opponent's caddy/defensive back tries to block you while you run to place your next shot. Something has to be in place that allows your opponent to directly, tangibly, and significantly affect your game. Otherwise, it's only ever going to be an activity and never a sport.

All the best.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Former major league pitcher Ugueth Urbina has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family's ranch. Urbina is still thankful he doesn't have to play for the Cubs. No one was actually killed in the incident – and we thought Urbina was a closer.

Yao Ming's basketball jersey is not among the top sellers in China, mainly because all those jerseys look alike.

The NBA and the Cleveland Cavaliers have said that LeBron James will no longer be allowed to have his son sit on the bench. David Wesley is thrilled, as he will get his seat back. James also just finished building a massive house that includes a theater, bowling alley, casino and barber shop. The house is so cool, you almost forget the front door is located in Cleveland. When James retires, he can sell the place and buy a studio apartment in New York.

Turning to college, the son of North Carolina State basketball coach Sidney Lowe faces more than 20 criminal charges from two separate attacks. Authorities predict he could be sentenced to 25 years on the Cincinnati Bengals.

Former Bears LB Steve McMichael has been named the head coach of the Chicago Slaughter, a seven-man indoor football team. McMichael said that it's one notch below arena football, which makes it three notches below Rock-Paper-Scissors.

And four men have been arrested after part of a man's ear was bitten off during a Greece/Turkey soccer brawl. Mike Tyson has since apologized. This kind of soccer hooliganism is more common in England, since a human ear is a nice alternative to British cooking.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

	DAYS
	HOURS
	MINUTES
	SECONDS
UNTIL FOOTBALL

Monday, August 27, 2007

Georgia Tech

Penn State

Michigan

Michigan State

Purdue

UCLA

Boston College

USC

Navy

Air Force

Duke

Stanford

... and Know Thyself

Notre Dame

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Defensive Line

Linebacker

Safety

Cornerback

Kicker

Punter

2007 Schedule

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Quarterback

Running Back

Fullback

Wide Receiver

Tight End

Offensive Line

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Boston Red Sox

Chicago Cubs

Cleveland Indians

New York Mets

New York Yankees

Pittsburgh Pirates

Seattle Mariners

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Monday, July 09, 2007

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Monday, April 30, 2007

Sunday, April 29, 2007

From the Cleveland Browns' Perspective

From Notre Dame's Perspective

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

“Why Carlyle Holiday Sometimes Misses Catching Punts” – An Inside Look at the Bob Davie Years

ND Basketball: Where are they now?