Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Rumor Mill Smells Like a Newark Factory

by Dave's brother, aka Michael Schmitt

I got a late e-mail from my Dad last night asking about that Bon Jovi rumor. My Dad seems to know everything about sports, and I seem to know everything about everything else. So, I think we can deconstruct this rumor down to a good logical guess about whether or not ND booked everyone's favorite composer of Backer Ballads for this Friday’s pep rally. Let's take a look at the facts, shall we?

All rumored celebs for this next pep rally include:

1) Bon Jovi
2) Joe Montana
3) Lou Holtz
4) Vince Vaughn
5) Jesus
6) The Beatles

Scientifically speaking,

1) Bon Jovi

The last big rumored guest was Ara and Ara showed, but due to typical slow/rude service at CJ’s and the added tension of David about to pop the question, David and Ellen as well as hundreds of other undergrad students were locked out of this Pep Rally. I however, ran and broke in through the Hockey arena, went up the back stairs, lapped through a dungeon-ish locker room, burst up through a Men’s Fencing practice that was taking place, stopped to ask directions, and then went through another passage way that put me right out in front of the Heismans. I caught the last second of Ara’s speech wherein he guaranteed victory (as most speakers who played or coached before Lou Holtz tend to do at pep rallies) thus jinxing that incredible defeat. I don’t know what any of that has to do with Bon Jovi.

The result of so many people turning up for the last rally was that they decided to move the USC rally to ND Stadium for the first time in ages. Bon Jovi is an arena rocker fond of playing open air stadiums in such exotic locales as the Meadowlands Arena. South Bend has a larger appropriation of mullets per townie than a Parisian café has mullets per latte. Score one for Bon Jovi.

The marching band has been practicing "Living on a Prayer" for two weeks now. Having played this tune for the last three or so seasons in a row, one should think that by now they would want to save it for a very special occasion... e.g. the composer of said Backer Ballad decides to rock the USC pep rally. Score two for Bon Jovi.

7 layers of truth:

1) We had Carson Daly at last year’s USC pep rally. Carson Daly dated Jennifer Love Hewitt. 2) Jennifer Love Hewitt’s career right now consists of making it onto absurd VH1’s hottest countdowns. 3) VH1 used to play lots of Bon Jovi before they traded 80’s music videos for a celebrity format similar to the E!-channel. 4) ESPN and most sports networks have lately adopted a similar celebrity format to keep girlfriends from switching the channel on their pussy-whipped boyfriends. 5) USC quarterback Matt Leinart and boy-band extraordinaire Nick Lachey are tremendously pussy whipped boyfriends who love to 'chill' and watch Jessica Simpson’s latest classics. 6) The vomit inducing 'classic' Dukes of Hazzard remake starring Jessica Simpson was executive produced by Bruce Berman. 7) Bruce Berman produced a few good movies, one of which was Mystic River starring Kevin Bacon.

Score 7 for Bon Jovi.

Charlie W is a Jersey boy who attended college right around the time that groups like REO Speedwagon were making way in the music biz for acts like Jon Bon Jovi.

The conversion is good! Score 8 for Bon Jovi.

All signs seem to point to the Jersey Kid.

This would be a terrible rumor to be false—not to mention a terrible rumor to miss if it’s true. I’m hedging my bets on this one being true.

2) Joe Montana

I saw Joe Montana on “Best Damn Sports” show last night doing a Niners/Joe/Jerry sycophant special. He wouldn’t admit whether or not he would be speaking at the pep rally when asked—so that means he definitely will be. Reggie Bush was in the audience instead of doing push-ups in his room, whereas Ronnie Lott who is retired and probably only plays golf now, was so busy that he had to phone in to the show to speak with Joe.

3) Lou Holtz

Lou will probably be there, but I’m guessing he won’t speak. Just a hunch.

4) Vince Vaughn

Vince did a stand-up show here last Saturday. I missed it, “Big whoop, do you wannda fight aboud it?” Someone probably should have tried to sit Vince down at the Backer and keep him drunk until the pep rally, but I’m guessing he won’t be back in South Bend for a while.

5) Jesus H Christ

No seriously folks, I got an official e-mail from student affairs informing me that the guy who learned Aramaic and smattered himself with fake blood for our beloved Mel Gibson's Passion will be speaking at the grotto on Thursday. The topic will be his spiritual journey or some other business that nobody but writers for Advocata Nostra and the Irish Rover would sincerely care about. I’m definitely going to Tivo that one out of my weekend.

6) Fab Four

I heard somewhere that they’re bigger than Jesus. Must be a rumor.

Thanks for reading all this garbage, can somebody write my midterm paper for me now??????????????????? Ellen??????