Sunday, October 09, 2005

Second Kankaversary

Sunday, October 9, is KankaNation's second anniversary. The shark jumping all began here.

It's been said before, but I couldn't do it without my readers. Actually, I wouldn't do it without my readers - it'd be kind of pointless then, wouldn't it? So, whether you're an occasional reader, a longtime lurker, or a "loyal KankaManiac," please post to the message board to let us know who you are and what you think of the site.

As regular readers know, I don't have much of a life, but I do have an active imagination. In that spirit, here's a look at what the KankaNation Second Anniversary Party might have been like:

The scene is the Fisher 1B quad. Kanka, Andy, and Scovil are present.
"Wow, it sure was nice of Fr. Rob to let us have the entire 1B hall for this anniversary party.
"It sure was," answers Kanka. "But, do you think it was too much to make this a Halloween party, too?"
"Not at all," replies Andy. "By the way, how do you think my Strongbad costume turned out?"
"Every time I look at it, I can't believe how awesome it is!"
"Hey, thanks," says Andy. "By the way, what are you going as?"
"Not sure yet. Hey Chris, nice Christmas tree costume. Come over here so I can get a better look."
"I can't," Chris responds. "Yonto put up all these Christmas lights, and now I can't move!"
"Speaking of which," says Kanka, "where is Yonto?"
"He went to pick up his uncle, The Coach," says Andy.
Just then, Mike and Meg Hatton enter. "Mike! Meg! Thanks for coming," says Kanka. "How's 'Charlotte' doing?" he adds, lining up to yell "Football!" into Meg's belly.
"Very funny," answers Meg.
Mike quickly changes the subject: "Hey, Kanka, we brought you a present!"
"Let me guess, it's a woman," Kanka says, with a mixture of sarcasm and hopefulness.
"Is it Woman?" Kanka asks with must trepidation.
"Wait, what, no!" Mike replies, giving his best Klondike impression. "It's a 'Best of the Backer' CD."
"Well, great, throw it in!" Kanka says excitedly. Then, in the roundabout way of thinking and talking that only he has mastered, Kanka adds, "Speaking of Klondike, as we were... kind of... well, not really. Did we remember to invite him?"
"No," replies Mike. "We need to call him. Who has a phone?"
"I do," Kanka quickly answers. "Oh, wait, no, nevermind."
Andy asks, "do you think he'll come? He is at least two hours away."
Mike and Kanka simultaneously reply, "Of course."
Mike remembers that he himself has a phone, so he calls the erstwhile Alaskan to invite him to the party.
Klondike begins with his familiar excuse: "I don't know; I have work to do."
"Brittany can come, too."
"We'll be right there."
Just then, an ominous figure fills the room. "Hey guys, can I borrow your computer?" asks KankaNation Hall of Famer Darrell Campbell.
"Do you have to talk like that?" Andy reflexively answers.
Realizing the possible trouble, Kanka quickly changes the subject. "Hey Darrell, how would you like to be Securitah for the party?"
"Dude, securitah? Sweeeet." Darrell rips a sleeve off his yellow shirt and places it on his head, then takes post at the door.
Just then, a train whistle is heard. Everyone rushes to the window to see what's going on. (Well, everyone except Scovil, of course. He still can't move.) A giant train had pulled into the courtyard between Fisher and Pangborn! Just then, Yonto and The Coach (another KankaNation Hall of Famer) walk out.
"Hey guys," Yonto starts, sheepishly. "Sorry I'm so late. The train broke down. I tried to get the Leprechaun Legion to pull it, but they were no help."
"I told you," Coach Yonto says.
"So, wait," asks Mike, "when did you learn how to control a train?"
"I can't," replies Yonto. "But Aflac can. He's an engineer, duh."
At that moment, Aflac steps out of the train carrying Dave's Katie Holmes poster. "Hey guys!"
As if on cue, Dave and Ellen come in the door. Ellen looks awkwardly at Dave. "Um, I need to use the bathroom."
"Um, me too," replies Dave, as they slowly move away from each other.
Right behind Dave and Ellen enter F-Bomb and Sarah Paulson. Kanka greets them at the door. "Hey, Sarah, good to see you here! Wasn't there a sax party going on right now?"
"Oh, yeah, um...." mumbled Sarah.
[At this point, F-Bomb goes off on a 45 minute rant. The only words I can print here are "man," "saxes," "mother," and meatloaf." I'm still not sure how meatloaf came up.]
Breaking up the rant, Dave walks up. "Hey Kanka."
"Hey Dave."
Seconds later, Ellen walks up. "Hey Kanka Love!"
Dave gives Ellen an odd look. "Wait, did you just ditch me for Kanka?"
Ellen replies, "Um, maybe. Wait, did you just ditch me for Kanka?"
"Um, yeah."
"Hey, I'm hungry from all that ranting," F-Bomb interjects. "Does anyone know where I can get a turkey hot dog?"
"Turkey hot dog? Do you know what you're getting yourself into?" Yep, it was Jon Byrer.
Meanwhile, at the door, Darrell is inspecting the jacket of a certain suspicious ne'er-do-well. "Is this gin or vodka in this flask?"
"It's gin," replies Klondike. Then, reaching into another pocket, he pulls out a second flask. "This is the vodka. I have rum and whisky, too, if that's what you're into."
"Oh James," sighs Brittany in mild disappointment.
"Hey guys, look who I found!" Klondike exclaims while walking through the door. "It's Scott and Kim!"
Conveniently, "Techno" comes on the stereo at that very moment. Calls rise for the piccs to shimmy. Reluctantly, those calls are answered.
Mike suddenly comes to a realization. "Hey Klondike, you've been here for 3 minutes, and you haven't called Amber yet!"
"You're right. Hold on a second." Klondike takes out his phone and punches in his #1 speed dial. (In case you were wondering, Brittany is #3 behind a killer cigar shop in downtown Aurora.)
"Hey Amber."
"We're having a party, and you're not here."
"Well, gotta go!"
"Look, Klondike, I'm really sick of the whole '...' joke. It's old. I do talk! Oh wait, I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry. I need to get back to living in LA and being on TV. I'm sorry."
Just then, F-Bomb comes tearing by Klondike. "You guys. Seriously. You guys. Cronk's sister and Pete's sister are making out right now in the other room!" Kanka and F-Bomb rush into the other room, while a spattering of the other guys slowly follow. The group enters the room to find that, in fact, Cronk and Pete, and not their sisters, are the ones that are making out. Lisa, Cronk's sister, and Pete's sister stand in the corner, each wearing the Cronk Face. Kanka turns to leave, only to be greeted by F-Bomb giving him "the goat."
A car pulls up outside the window of this side room. Inside the car are Emily and four random blonde women. "Pete! Pete's sister!" Emily yells. "Hurry up, we have to get back to the Amazing Race."
"Wait," Pete says. "Are we actually related?"
Emily looks at each of the girls in the car, then to Pete and his sister. "I have no idea."
As Pete and his sister crawl out the window, everyone heads back to the main party room. In the hallway, they're greeted by Marcus Barlow and Gary Godsey. Marcus, of course, is flanked by a group of hot Corby's girls.
"Hey Marcus," says Gary, "this isn't the Backer."
"I told you, I have to hit this party. That's how I roll."
Upon entering, Gary sees Jessi and Ellen (but not Ellen's butt). Realizing that this place must be cool after all, he grabs a beer and finds a seat in the corner where he can just be Gary Godsey.
While Kanka and F-Bomb were in the other room, Kanka's Lorain friends my buddy Matt, Fired Up Friend Todd, and Infamous Cousin joined the party. Just wanted to point that out.
The next person to enter is Dave's brother Michael. Kanka spots him and says, "Hey, Mike, great Jeff Samardzija costume - love the hair!"
"Uhh... that's not a costume...."
"I can take care of the hair," said Nick Schumacher, entering in full fencing gear.
"Uh, no, I'm good," replied Michael.
Kanka compliments Nick on his costume. "Oh, yeah, costume, right...."
Changing the subject, Michael mentions the guy he saw lying on the ground on his way in. "He was wearing a Packers #4 jersey, and he was really beat up."
"Wow, I knew Brett Farve was having a rough year, but..." said Kanka, trying to make a joke. "Wait a minute, that's the Catholic Packer Fan! I warned him to stay away from Mike; we all know how much Mike hates the Packers."
"Um, yeah," said Michael, "I also saw someone in a #22 women's basketball jersey."
"Alicia?!" Kanka excitedly exclaims.
"No, it was a dude."
"Oh. Hey, that must be The Backer!"
"Wait, wasn't Pat Quill coming to this?" F-Bomb asks Dave.
"Nah. He's either hanging out with random hot girls or designing state quarters."
Just then, Andy's voice comes over the stereo system. "It's karaoke time!"
A voice comes from the crowd. "ND band play 'Fins!'"
"Chad!" exclaims Ellen, running over to give him a huge hug. "Wait a minute, I have something to do."
As Enrique Iglasias's "Escape" blares through the speakers, Ellen and Kanka put on the most spectacular singing and dancing exhibition EVER.
As "Escape" ends, Dave comes up to the microphone. "It's our turn now." Dave and Kanka begin to reprise their performance of "Gin & Juice" from the FSU trip.
After about the seventh "BIATCH," a cool figure slinks into the room. The music gives the traditional "record player screeches to a halt" sound, which is odd, considering the song was on a CD. "Now wait just a minizzle," says Snoop Dogg. "Let me show you how it's done." Pulling out a microphone he just happened to keep in his jacket pocket, Snoop starts laying down the lyrics to his early hit.
Just as the song ends, Fr. John I. Jenkins, CSC walks into the room. "I am releasing the following statement. The University has determined that Kanka will not be retained as writer of this blog. The success of this blog consists of three things: Writing with integrity, giving the readers superb information, and excelling at humor. Meeting all of these goals is a tremendous challenge. But I believe we have found a person in Bill Simmons who can lead us to such multifaceted success."

That's my story the end.