Not many positives came from this one. Two things did stand out to me, though. First, there's that old adage about controlling the line of scrimmage. On both sides of the ball, Michigan move the line of scrimmage two yards on every single play. They dominated the rushing stats 289 to -6. But ND's rushing stats would have been a lot worse if it wasn't for James Aldridge's performance against Michigan's second team. Aldridge finished with 51 yards rushing. But against the first team defense, Aldridge tried to wait for blocks that simply didn't develop and he was eaten alive.
The second thing is something that scares me - fundamentally unsound play on both sides of the ball. You can say what you want about Notre Dame's talent, depth, and experience this year. But it doesn't take any of those three ingredients to play at a basically fundamental level. When fundamentals are in question at the college level, the finger of doubt gets pointed directly at the coaching staff. With all that being said, I never played organized football and still have much to learn about the game. So I hope I'm just wrong.
Jimmy Clausen is still learning on the job. He's starting to throw downfield a little more, but eight sacks are never a good thing. He'll learn, but it will take time. And don't forget - Michigan may have struggled mightily in their first two games, but they're still a very good team.
The defensive front seven was simply outsized by Michigan's line. The Irish will have another tough test next week against familiar faces Javon Ringer and Jehuu Caulcrick of Michigan State. MSU has a new starter at quarterback, so the Spartans would love to take the ball out of his hands and feed Ringer and Caulcrick all day long.
That's all I have to say right now. We can't do anything now about the last three games, so we just have to look forward towards the rest of the schedule. Go Irish.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Notre Dame Football 2007
Issue 3: Michigan
Michigan Rush Offense vs. ND Rush Defense
For another year, 20 Mike Hart is Michigan's workhorse. At this point, he's one of the few things that's gone right for UM. Hart has averaged 24 carries and 158 yards over the first two games, and has 3 total rushing touchdowns. Backup 4 Brandon Minor has also gotten his fair share of carries, averaging 10 rushes and 4- yards per game. WR 86 Mario Manningham has 3 carries for 25 so far. As one of the Wolverines' top weapons, I'm sure he's been used on both end-arounds and flat passes. Michigan fullbacks have yet to record a carry. Saturday's starting QB 15 Ryan Mallet is not a mobile quarterback; last week, he recorded 5 attempts for -16 yards.Notre Dame's run defense has shown flashes of competence, yet is still giving up 211.5 yards per game. This team isn't as deep as it looks, and when the offense can't stay on the field, the defense will tire. That's how teams have days of 200+ rushing yards against the Irish. With a freshman QB, look for steady doses of the veteran Hart if the Wolverines get a lead over the Irish.
ND Rush Offense vs. Michigan Rush Defense
Well, if you take out the sacks... Notre Dame's run offense is still lousy. Junior Jabbie is the only runner with a decent YPC - 5.0 - but he's only had one carry. That's the definition of a small sample size. Armando Allen has looked the best out of any Notre Dame back so far, at 3.3 YPC. Allen is averaging 5 carries and 18 yards per game so far. James Aldrige is averaging 3-4 carries for 8 yards, and Travis Thomas 6 carries and 2.5 yards. Jimmy Clausen, like Mallet, is not a mobile quarterback. So far, Clausen has 12 rushing attempts for -39 yards.Michigan has struggled mightily against the run this year, largely due to Appalachian State and Oregon's spread option attacks. Does that mean Demetrius Jones will make an appearance for the Irish? I doubt it. Coach Weis has named Clausen his starter, and even one play with Jones would seem like a vote of no confidence in Clausen. Michigan's front seven returns only two starters, DT 67 Terrence Taylor and OLB 2 Shawn Crable. Taylor and Crable share the team lead in tackles for a loss, with 4. Crable also leads the team with 18 total tackles.
Michigan Pass Offense vs. ND Pass Defense
7 Chad Henne was injured last week, and won't be back to face the Irish. After finally figuring out how his helmet, chin strap, and mouth guard worked together, Ryan Mallet made his Michigan debut. The results weren't pretty, as Mallet completed only 6 of 17 passes for 49 yards. He also had one interception. Still, Michigan's wide receivers scare me to death.(TM) Mario Manningham is averaging 5-6 receptions and 92 yards per game. 16 Adrian Arrington and 13 Greg Mathews are right behind Manningham. Arrington is averaging 5 catches for 61 yards, Mathews 4 for 37, and each has a TD reception. Starting TE 83 Mike Massey has 3 catches on the season, and lanky backup TE 85 Carson Butler has 2. Backup RB Brandon Minor has 2 receptions out of the backfield.Notre Dame's pass defense has surrendered 126 yards per game. Are they that good, or is it simply a case of opponents not needing to run. Opponents have averaged 23 pass attempts per game, but they are completing only 50%. To me, that indicates a combination of the two situations. Of course, what do I know?
ND Pass Offense vs. Michigan Pass Defense
In two games, Jimmy Clausen has looked like a freshman with promise. So far, he's connected on 55% of his pass attempts. Thanks largely to Coach Weis' gameplan last week, Armando Allen is ND's leading receiver, with 7 catches. David Grimes is right behind with 6, followed by Robby Parris, George West, and John Carlson with 4 each.Michigan has looked poor against the pass as well, giving up 260 yards per game. Crabel and Taylor each have 2 sacks, and S 31 Brandent Engelmon and CB 14 Morgan Trent each have an interception.
Special Teams
Michigan is breaking in a new field goal kicker, 34 Jason Gingell. It's been rough going so far, as Gingell has made only 2 of 5 field goals, including 2 famous blocks in the ASU game. For Notre Dame, Brandon Walker is 2 for 2 from inside 30 yards, while Nate Whitaker has missed a 50-yarder.41 Zultan Mesko has won Michigan's punting job, and it's little surprise why. Mesko has had 9 opportunities to kick the ball away, and he is averaging 46.8 yards per. For the Irish, Geoff Price is now averaging 41.9 yards per punt.
CB 25 Johnny Sears is now Michigan's primary kick returner. He's averaging 22 yards per return after 6 tries, with a long of 31. Backup RB Carlos Brown has made 3 returns and is averaging 21 yards per, with a long of 24. Nate Whitaker has done fairly well as ND's kickoff specialist, getting 62 yards per kick. But the Irish are giving up 26 yards per return, meaning opponents start at the 34 on average.
Armando Allen has been ND's primary kick returner, averaging 19 yards per on 8 returns, with a long of 25. Golden Tate has returned 2 cicks for 20 and 34 yards, respectively. 43 Bryan Wright kicks off for the Wolverines. He's averaging 65 yards per kick with one touchback. Michigan is giving up 20 yards per return, meaning opponents on average start at the 25.
Michigan has only had 3 chances to return punts, and two of those returns have been by Johnny Sears. His returns have been for 0 and 14 yards, respectively. Notre Dame's coverage team is giving up 15 yards per punt return.
It's been all or nothing for Tom Zbikowski as a punt returner. He's had two returns - one for -1 yard and one for 47. Michigan's punt coverage team is holding opponents to a very respectable 8 yards per punt return.
Look for a big game from Allen, Parris, Carlson, Trevor Laws, David Bruton.
ND 20, Michigan 17: Allen breaks through, Clausen finds Carlson in the back of the end zone bread-and-butter, and Walker chips in two.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Know Thy Enemy:
Michigan
Ace of Sports
Autumn Thunder
Big House Football
Blah Me to Death
The Blog that Yost Built
Blue Cats and Red Sox
Dangerous Logic
The Diag
Football Outsiders
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Jim Harbaugh Scramble
MGoBlog
MVictors.com
The M Zone
Maize 'n' Brew
Michigan Against the World
Michigan Football Saturdays
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Mr. Wolverine
Motown Sports Revival
Off Tackle
A Pudge is a Sandwich
Quo Vadimus
Rob in Madtown
Ronald Bellamy's Underachieving All-Stars
SportsLog Michigan
Stadium and Main
Straight Bangin'
Sweaty Men Endeavors
UMTailgate.com
Varsity Blue
Westsider Rider
Winged Helmets
Yet Another Michigan Sports Blog
Fanblogs Michigan
FanHouse Michigan
Autumn Thunder
Big House Football
Blah Me to Death
The Blog that Yost Built
Blue Cats and Red Sox
Dangerous Logic
The Diag
Football Outsiders
The Hoover Street Rag
iBlog for Cookies
Jim Harbaugh Scramble
MGoBlog
MVictors.com
The M Zone
Maize 'n' Brew
Michigan Against the World
Michigan Football Saturdays
Michigan Sports Center
Mr. Wolverine
Motown Sports Revival
Off Tackle
A Pudge is a Sandwich
Quo Vadimus
Rob in Madtown
Ronald Bellamy's Underachieving All-Stars
SportsLog Michigan
Stadium and Main
Straight Bangin'
Sweaty Men Endeavors
UMTailgate.com
Varsity Blue
Westsider Rider
Winged Helmets
Yet Another Michigan Sports Blog
Fanblogs Michigan
FanHouse Michigan
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Penn State 31, Notre Dame 10
Quarterback:

Courtesy AP/Gene J. Puskar
Well, it's a start. Coach Weis kept things simple at first, allowing Jimmy Clausen to throw only screens and swing passes. He handled those well, and threw downfield later on. Despite his early success, though, Clausen completed just over 50% of his passes, was sacked 6 times, and threw a pick
Running Back: Four backs combined for 25 yards on 16 carries against Penn State's stout front seven. Armando Allen, who got the starting nod alongside his fellow freshman, did have success catching passes out of the backfield. Allen led the team with 6 catches and totalled 38 yards.
Fullback: Asaph Schwapp did not touch the football in this game.
Receiver: David Grimes stepped up as best he could, with 5 catches for a team-high 45 yards. George West had 2 catches for 9, Duval Kamara had one for 6, and Robby Paris had a big one for 35.
Tight End: John Carlson has struggled so far this season. Of course, he spent most of this game helping with the pass blocking. He finished with 1 catch for 5 yards. Will Yeatman added one catch for 6 yards.
O-Line: Six sacks and 0 net rushing yards. Going across the line, Paul Duncan got his name called far more often than a lineman should have. Michael Turkovich gets credit for playing hard despite getting popped in the mouth early, but looked slow on plays when he was required to pull. (But in Turkovich's defense, Allen does need to learn to wait for his blocks.) John Sullivan actually played well, but there's only one of him. Dan Wenger looked overmatched. Sam Young appears to be trying to hard, assumedly because he feels a need to take a leadership role as the line's second most veteran member. Then again, it's not his fault that that's the case.
D-Line: Trevor Laws had a busy day, tying for the team lead with 10 tackles and recovering a fumble. Pat Kuntz also came up big with 8 tackles, 0.5 for a loss. Justin Brown was demoted to backup, perhaps due to his ejection from last week's game, but he still managed 3 tackles and half a sack. Ian Williams added 3 of his own in a backup role.
Linebacker: Once again, Joe Brockington has quietly but deservedly worked his way into the starting lineup. Brockington had 10 tackles, 1.5 for a loss, and recovered a fumble. Mo Crum added 6 tackles, John Ryan added 4, including the other half of Brown's sack, Anthony Vernaglia had 3 tackles, and Mo Richardson had a sack.
Safety: Tom Zbikowski turned in a decent performance, recording 6 tackles and forcing two fumbles in run support. David Bruton added 2 tackles, and in an increasing role Kyle McCarthy had one stop.
Cornerback:

Courtesy AP/Gene J. Puskar
It was the highlight of the game for the Irish, but unfortunately one play's worth of momentum does not a win make. Still, Darrin Walls made a spectacular interception and finally got a good chance to show off his return skills (after what may be considered a failed experiment as a kick returner last year) with a 73-yard touchdown. Walls, Ambrose Wooden, and Leo Ferrine - who came in after an injury to Terrail Lambert - each had 2 tackles.
Kicker: Nate Whitaker missed his first collegiate field goal attempt, from 50 yards. But it had the distance and was simply wide, so I'll take that as a positive. Brandon Walker made his attempt from 22 yards.
Punter: Geoff Price is back, averaging 44.8 yards per punt with a long of 57. Eric Maust added a 45 yard punt of his own.
Kick Returner: Armando Allen averaged 22 yards on 3 returns, while Golden Tate's lone return went for 34 yards.
Punt Returner: Thanks to solid work from Penn State, Tom Zbikowski managed only one punt return. Of course, he did take that one for 47 yards.
Special Teams: Derrick Williams should have been stopped for no gain on a punt return. Instead, he sidestepped a tackle and went 78 yards for a backbreaking touchdown. Notre Dame gave up 25 yards per punt return and 32 per kick return. Bluntly, neither is an acceptable number.

Courtesy AP/Gene J. Puskar
Well, it's a start. Coach Weis kept things simple at first, allowing Jimmy Clausen to throw only screens and swing passes. He handled those well, and threw downfield later on. Despite his early success, though, Clausen completed just over 50% of his passes, was sacked 6 times, and threw a pick
Running Back: Four backs combined for 25 yards on 16 carries against Penn State's stout front seven. Armando Allen, who got the starting nod alongside his fellow freshman, did have success catching passes out of the backfield. Allen led the team with 6 catches and totalled 38 yards.
Fullback: Asaph Schwapp did not touch the football in this game.
Receiver: David Grimes stepped up as best he could, with 5 catches for a team-high 45 yards. George West had 2 catches for 9, Duval Kamara had one for 6, and Robby Paris had a big one for 35.
Tight End: John Carlson has struggled so far this season. Of course, he spent most of this game helping with the pass blocking. He finished with 1 catch for 5 yards. Will Yeatman added one catch for 6 yards.
O-Line: Six sacks and 0 net rushing yards. Going across the line, Paul Duncan got his name called far more often than a lineman should have. Michael Turkovich gets credit for playing hard despite getting popped in the mouth early, but looked slow on plays when he was required to pull. (But in Turkovich's defense, Allen does need to learn to wait for his blocks.) John Sullivan actually played well, but there's only one of him. Dan Wenger looked overmatched. Sam Young appears to be trying to hard, assumedly because he feels a need to take a leadership role as the line's second most veteran member. Then again, it's not his fault that that's the case.
D-Line: Trevor Laws had a busy day, tying for the team lead with 10 tackles and recovering a fumble. Pat Kuntz also came up big with 8 tackles, 0.5 for a loss. Justin Brown was demoted to backup, perhaps due to his ejection from last week's game, but he still managed 3 tackles and half a sack. Ian Williams added 3 of his own in a backup role.
Linebacker: Once again, Joe Brockington has quietly but deservedly worked his way into the starting lineup. Brockington had 10 tackles, 1.5 for a loss, and recovered a fumble. Mo Crum added 6 tackles, John Ryan added 4, including the other half of Brown's sack, Anthony Vernaglia had 3 tackles, and Mo Richardson had a sack.
Safety: Tom Zbikowski turned in a decent performance, recording 6 tackles and forcing two fumbles in run support. David Bruton added 2 tackles, and in an increasing role Kyle McCarthy had one stop.
Cornerback:

Courtesy AP/Gene J. Puskar
It was the highlight of the game for the Irish, but unfortunately one play's worth of momentum does not a win make. Still, Darrin Walls made a spectacular interception and finally got a good chance to show off his return skills (after what may be considered a failed experiment as a kick returner last year) with a 73-yard touchdown. Walls, Ambrose Wooden, and Leo Ferrine - who came in after an injury to Terrail Lambert - each had 2 tackles.
Kicker: Nate Whitaker missed his first collegiate field goal attempt, from 50 yards. But it had the distance and was simply wide, so I'll take that as a positive. Brandon Walker made his attempt from 22 yards.
Punter: Geoff Price is back, averaging 44.8 yards per punt with a long of 57. Eric Maust added a 45 yard punt of his own.
Kick Returner: Armando Allen averaged 22 yards on 3 returns, while Golden Tate's lone return went for 34 yards.
Punt Returner: Thanks to solid work from Penn State, Tom Zbikowski managed only one punt return. Of course, he did take that one for 47 yards.
Special Teams: Derrick Williams should have been stopped for no gain on a punt return. Instead, he sidestepped a tackle and went 78 yards for a backbreaking touchdown. Notre Dame gave up 25 yards per punt return and 32 per kick return. Bluntly, neither is an acceptable number.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Notre Dame Football 2007
Issue 2: Penn State
Penn State Rush Offense vs. ND Rush Defense
33 Austin Scott steps in as Penn State's starting tailback this year. Last week, he ran 11 times for 47 yards and two scores. He's backed up by 20 Rodney Kinlaw and 22 Evan Royster, who both had good showings against Florida International to the tune of 8 carries and 8+ yards per carry. Starting fullback 34 Matt Hahn did not have a carry in the game, but backup fullbacks 38 Dan Lawlor had 5 and 44 Larry Federoff had one. Receivers 24 Jordan Norwood and 2 Derrick Williams also had a carry apiece. Penn State isn't afraid to let anyone, except maybe QB 14 Anthony Morelli, run the ball. Like last year, I'd expect to see a Lions receiver line up at QB a few times, especially after GT's success in that package last week.Notre Dame's new front seven showed some growing pains last week, to the tune of 265 rushing yards. Middle linebackers Maurice Crum and Joe Brockington combined for 16 tackles. But the entire front seven had only one tackle for a loss (Crum), which perhaps tells a story of their inability to penetrate into the backfield. ND did have one interesting formation where they entered Kyle McCarthy as a third safety, essentially dropping Tom Zbikowski down to linebacker. Of course, both Zbikowski and McCarthy watched the Tech back run right by them, so that particular formation wasn't too effective in that particular situation. This defense will mesh as a unit over time, but Penn State isn't going to make that meshing process any easier.
ND Rush Offense vs. Penn State Rush Defense
Notre Dame gained 92 yards on the ground last week... but lost 100. It seemed like every skill player on the team except Luke Schmidt played, and overall four backs had carries. Armando Allen had the most success, gaining 25 yards on 3 attemts, mostly out of the spread option look. James Aldridge's 3.2 yards per carry on 6 attempts isn't bad for a big back, but it isn't that great, either. Travis Thomas and Asaph Schwapp had terrible days running the ball. Thomas finished with 7 tries for -7 yards. Meanwhile, on a "here's what's coming, try and stop it" fullback dive, Georgia Tech did stop Schwapp for -1 yards.Florida International actually had a better day than the Irish running the ball. They picked up a whopping -3 yards on the ground against Penn State. The Nittany Lions are again led by LB 40 Dan Connor, who had 5 tackles last week. 45 Sean Lee, PSU's other returning starter at LB, led the team with 7 stops, including 2 for losses. If there's any hope, it's in the fact that Notre Dame's young offensive line is facing a Penn State defensive line with only one returning starter. Of course, guys like Connor and Lee more than make up for any experience among the down linemen.
Penn State Pass Offense vs. ND Pass Defense
Anthony Morelli sure wasn't afraid to pass last week. The second year starter threw the ball 38 times, completing 28, or 60.5%. Morelli also 3 touchdowns to 0 interceptions, and 295 total passing yards. His primary receiver was Jordan Norwood, with 5 catches and 92 yards. WR Derrick Williams and TE 82 Mickey Shuler each had 4 catches. As with their running game, PSU likes to spread the wealth in the passing game. Ten players caught passes in the FIU game, including the 4 by Shuler, 1 by RB Rodney Kinlaw, and 1 by FB Matt Hahn.Notre Dame actually did a good job defending the pass last week. One could argue that Georgia Tech simply didn't need to pass that much thanks to their success on the ground. But GT quarterbacks did attempt 24 passes, completing only 11. ND had decent pressure at times, but finished with only one sack. That sack came from FS David Bruton, who had a busy day. He tied for the team lead with 9 tackles, some coming after the front seven failed to stop the run, but others coming from well-timed blitzes. Bruton also led the team with 2 tackles for a loss (one being the sack). One one of Tech's lone big plays, safety Tom Zbikowski bit on an underneath route, leaving Terrail Lambert alone in single coverage. But it still took a spectacular catch by the Tech receiver to beat Lambert, who had a solid game. Darrin Walls left the game last week in favor of Ambrose Wooden, and there were grumblings that it was due to injury. It will be interesting to see if Walls is back out there this week. But it looks like ND may finally have the guns to let the corners play in single coverage. Hopefully.
ND Pass Offense vs. Penn State Pass Defense
I somehow doubt that this humble blog is your lone source of ND football news. So I'm sure everyone knows by now that Jimmy Clausen is starting for the Irish on Saturday. Clausen is the beneficiary of the Quinn Defense: yes, he did well against GT's backups. But he also did well with ND's backups. Those backups include Robby Parris, who tied John Carlson for the team lead with 3 catches. Watching the young quarterbacks work with Parris and Duval Kamara (2 catches) reminded me ofBrady Quinn's, when he used garbage time to build a rapport with Jeff Samardzija. That worked out pretty well, didn't it? As I mentioned about, almost all of ND's skill players saw action in this game. Nine Irish players made at least one catch, including Parris, Carlson, George West (2), Kamara, Will Yeatman, DJ Hord, David Grimes, Junior Jabbie (who appears to be ND's third down back, good for him), and Armando Allen.Penn State sacked Florida International seven times in their contest. Lee and DT 93 Chris Baker each had 2.
Special Teams
23 Kevin Kelly returns as Penn State's field goal kicker, and he has quite a leg. He made one from 45 yards last week, and missed from 50+. Brandon Walker provided ND's only scoring against Tech with a 24-yard field goal. It appears that Neil Whitaker will be used for longer field goals.Penn State lost a Ray Guy finalist, and replaced him with 41 Jeremy Boone, who only averaged 47 yards per punt last week, with a long of 54. Boone actually had 5 punts against FIU - 3 of 50+ yards! I'm not sure if Penn State's offense was inconsistent, or these punts occurred after the backups were already in. On a day when seemingly nothing was going right for the Irish, Geoff Price averaged a mere 38.3 yards per punt. He did have a long of 55, which means he could have just had a bad day.
Who are Penn State's kick returners? Your guess is as good as mine. That's right, PSU put up a 0 in the kick return category last week. (FOr being shutout, FIU had one kickoff, a touchback.) Meanwhile, ND walk-on Nate Whitaker surprised by booming 67.5 yards per kickoff. His first kick went a few yards deep into the end zone. ND gave up an average of 14 yards per return, giving opponents an average start at the 16.5 yards line.
Armando Allen and Golden Tate are ND's kick returners, although George West also lined up there late in the game. Allen returned 5 kicks for a total of 84 yards (16.8 yard average), while Tate returned one for 20. Kevin Kelly averaged 62.7 per kickoff, a number probably hampered by the fact that his leg was numb after the 8 PATs, 2 field goal attempts, and 10 kickoffs. PSU did give up 22.8 yards per return, meaning opponents start on average at the 30.1 yard line.
Derrick Williams is PSU's primary punt returner, although CB 25 Brendan Perretta also got in on the act last week. On 4 returns, Williams averaged 13.2 yards with a long of 25. Perretta's lone return was for 2 yards.
43 Tyler Evans was Tech's best punt returner in terms of yards per return last year, at 9.6. For this, Evans was rewarded primary punt return duties this year.
Tom Zbikowski had one chance to return a punt last week, and it went for -1 yard.
Look for a big game from Clausen, Aldridge, Allen, Parris, Trevor Laws, Bruton.
ND 23, Penn State 17: We'll go with this score until it actually wins me something.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Know Thy Enemy
Penn State
Back in Happy Valley
Black Shoe Diaries
Bleed Blue 'n White
50-Yard Lion
Fight On State
Lion in the Desert
The Nittany Line
Nittany Lines
The Nittany Notebook
The Nittany Turkey
Penn State Fan Letter
PSU Football Fanatics
Run Up the Score
There Is No Name On My Jersey
2 the Lion Football
Zombie Nation
Fanblogs Penn State
FanHouse Penn State
Black Shoe Diaries
Bleed Blue 'n White
50-Yard Lion
Fight On State
Lion in the Desert
The Nittany Line
Nittany Lines
The Nittany Notebook
The Nittany Turkey
Penn State Fan Letter
PSU Football Fanatics
Run Up the Score
There Is No Name On My Jersey
2 the Lion Football
Zombie Nation
Fanblogs Penn State
FanHouse Penn State
Eleven Ways To Make Sports In The United States More Delightfully English, In Increasing Magnitude Of Stereotypical Awfulness
by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare recipient
Editor's Note: Really? You'd rather see a GT wrapup? I'll include my thoughts in the PSU preview.
David Beckham was my inspiration for this month's attempt.
#11 - Soccer: Import some extremely well-paid English players. This seems so obvious, I'm not sure why nobody else has already thought of it. Also, the sport would have to be renamed "English Football".
#10 - Boxing: Boxing would be called "fisticuffs" instead. The common boxing stance would be modeled after the University of Notre Dame's leprechaun mascot. Wry commentary would be delivered in a dry monotone.
#9 - Tennis: Tennis would remain relatively the same. The main difference would be in scorekeeping: you wouldn't say things like "15 love" any more, but "15 luv". Also, clay courts would be eliminated. Clay courts are contemporarily French, which is by-definition not delightfully English.
#8 - Basketball: Pronounced acts of exuberance, such as slam dunks or congratulatory butt-slaps, would be replaced with exceptional displays of reserve and politeness. The sport would thenceforth be called "Ye Olde BaÆ’ketballe".
#7 - Football: Traditional football pads would be replaced with full metal suits of armor. Physical trainers would be referred to as "pages", and the coach would be addressed as "my liege". Further, all instant replays would be depicted via cartoonish animation à la Monty Python.
#6 - Auto Racing: Instead of the normal stock or formula cars, we would race hackney carriages and double-decker busses. Also, the racetracks would all turn in the opposite direction. "Gentlemen, start your engines!" would be replaced with "Tally-ho and whatnot."
#5 - Polo: The only way this sport could be more delightfully English would be if they ground the horses into a variety of sausages. This would include the parts of the horse not normally considered meat, such as the kidneys. (The kidneys will be important later.)
#4 - Lacrosse: A large influx of hooligans would make Lacrosse more delightfully English, with the attendant riots before and after any given win or loss. Also, team names like "Titans" and "Roughnecks" would have to be replaced with names like "Whigs" and "Gentry".
#3 - Baseball: Umpires would wear tall, black, furry hats, and be trained not to show any emotion under any circumstances. Also, no more cold beers and hotdogs for the fans. Instead, they could get a warm beer and a delightfully English kidney pie. Finally, replace the bases with wickets.
#2 - Professional Wrestling: Most of the outside-the-ring drama would be replaced with frank but witty round-table discussions of differences. The convenient weapons of choice, such as folding chairs and ladders, would be replaced with pieces of Stonehenge and Holbein's portrait of Henry VIII.
#1 - Hockey: All players would skate around holding their hockey sticks in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. Pinkies out. Goalies, in keeping with their special equipment requirements, would hold teapots in lieu of trappers. Bad teeth would stop being an unfortunate occurrence and become a strict requirement.
All the best.
Editor's Note: Really? You'd rather see a GT wrapup? I'll include my thoughts in the PSU preview.
David Beckham was my inspiration for this month's attempt.
#11 - Soccer: Import some extremely well-paid English players. This seems so obvious, I'm not sure why nobody else has already thought of it. Also, the sport would have to be renamed "English Football".
#10 - Boxing: Boxing would be called "fisticuffs" instead. The common boxing stance would be modeled after the University of Notre Dame's leprechaun mascot. Wry commentary would be delivered in a dry monotone.
#9 - Tennis: Tennis would remain relatively the same. The main difference would be in scorekeeping: you wouldn't say things like "15 love" any more, but "15 luv". Also, clay courts would be eliminated. Clay courts are contemporarily French, which is by-definition not delightfully English.
#8 - Basketball: Pronounced acts of exuberance, such as slam dunks or congratulatory butt-slaps, would be replaced with exceptional displays of reserve and politeness. The sport would thenceforth be called "Ye Olde BaÆ’ketballe".
#7 - Football: Traditional football pads would be replaced with full metal suits of armor. Physical trainers would be referred to as "pages", and the coach would be addressed as "my liege". Further, all instant replays would be depicted via cartoonish animation à la Monty Python.
#6 - Auto Racing: Instead of the normal stock or formula cars, we would race hackney carriages and double-decker busses. Also, the racetracks would all turn in the opposite direction. "Gentlemen, start your engines!" would be replaced with "Tally-ho and whatnot."
#5 - Polo: The only way this sport could be more delightfully English would be if they ground the horses into a variety of sausages. This would include the parts of the horse not normally considered meat, such as the kidneys. (The kidneys will be important later.)
#4 - Lacrosse: A large influx of hooligans would make Lacrosse more delightfully English, with the attendant riots before and after any given win or loss. Also, team names like "Titans" and "Roughnecks" would have to be replaced with names like "Whigs" and "Gentry".
#3 - Baseball: Umpires would wear tall, black, furry hats, and be trained not to show any emotion under any circumstances. Also, no more cold beers and hotdogs for the fans. Instead, they could get a warm beer and a delightfully English kidney pie. Finally, replace the bases with wickets.
#2 - Professional Wrestling: Most of the outside-the-ring drama would be replaced with frank but witty round-table discussions of differences. The convenient weapons of choice, such as folding chairs and ladders, would be replaced with pieces of Stonehenge and Holbein's portrait of Henry VIII.
#1 - Hockey: All players would skate around holding their hockey sticks in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. Pinkies out. Goalies, in keeping with their special equipment requirements, would hold teapots in lieu of trappers. Bad teeth would stop being an unfortunate occurrence and become a strict requirement.
All the best.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Notre Dame Football 2007
Issue 1: Georgia Tech
Georgia Tech Rush Offense vs. ND Rush Defense
22 Tashard Choice returns as Tech's starter, after averaging 105 yards on approximately 20 carries per game in 2006. Choice also had 12 rushing TDs in 14 contests. With the departure of Reggie Ball and Calvin Johnson, Choice is arguably the centerpiece of this offense. He'll be aided by an offensive line that returns four starters. 20 Jamaal Evans and 3 Rashaun Grant return as Choice's backups, after each averaging about 3 carries per game in 2006. Fullback Mike Cox is an excellent blocker, but did not have a single carry last year.If offensive linemen age like fine wine, Georgia Tech has a great set of blockers. The four returners are either true or redshirt seniors, and the new man is a redshirt junior. That will be an interesting challenge to Notre Dame, who will be debuting their 34 look. 98 Trevor Laws will continue to play like he always has. Some are trying to compare undersized NT Pat Kuntz to Chris Zorich, but first they should see if he can replicate Derek Landri's success from last year. 57 Dwight Stephenson and 94 Justin Brown are both hungry to prove that they deserve a starting end spot, just like 49 Toryan Smith and 52 Joe Brockington are hungry to show they deserve to start on the inside next to 40 Maurice Crum.
ND Rush Offense vs. Georgia Tech Rush Defense
To say Notre Dame has depth at running back this year is an understatement. To say they have experience, on the other hand, is another story. 26 Travis Thomas will be on offense full time once again, and begins the year as the starter. Thomas had 13 carries for 81 yards last year, including a 43 yard pickup on a fake punt. Three people are listed as Thomas' backup, 34 James Aldridge, who averaged 3.8 yards per carry last year; speedy freshman 5 Armando Allen; and the veteran 37 Junior Jabbie. Fullback Asaph Schwapp is back from an injury; he carried the ball 4 times in two games, averaging 3.8 YPC. He'll be backed up by sophomore Luke Schmidt.Despite Georgia Tech's reputation for blitzing, offenses still averaged 104 rushing yards per game against the Jackets last year. Defensive end 42 Adamm Oliver had 11 tackles for a loss last season, and 70 stops overall.
Georgia Tech Pass Offense vs. ND Pass Defense
13 Taylor Bennett has been praised for his talent, and perhaps some of that praise has come from being directly compared to Reggie Ball. However, Bennett is a bit short on experience. Saturday will be his third career start. Bennett no longer has the benefit of Calvin Johnson, but he does have 89 James Johnson returning. James averaged 3 catches and 43 yards per game in 2006, and did have 7 total touchdown catches. Tashard Choice was the Jackets third leading receiver behind Johnson & Johnson, averaging a reception and 7 yards per game. After that, no returning player averaged more than one catch per game in 2006.This is a matchup to watch. A veteran offensive line, but inexperienced receivers and quarterback, against a defense that hasn't been able to shut down the pass in a few years. On paper, Notre Dame's secondary looks more promising than it has in a while. Then again, the games aren't played on paper. 9 Tom Zbikowski returns for a fifth year after a disappointing 2006. He'll be joined by 27 David Bruton at safety. The starting cornerback positions were hard earned. 20 Terrail Lambert won his spot with his 2006 showing; 2 Darrin Walls won the other spot with his raw talent and showing in practice. 22 Ambrose Wooden, expected to retain his starting job from 2005 and 2006, will instead have to settle for steady work in nickel and dime packages. Up front, 90 John Ryan will be the pass rushing outside linebacker, backed up by 53 Morrice Richardson. On the other side, 54 Anthony Vernaglia won a starting OLB spot with his coverage skills.
ND Pass Offense vs. Georgia Tech Pass Defense
Who will it be? 13 Evan Sharpley has the experience. But rumors favoring 3 Demetrius Jones have popped up everywhere from NDNation to Facebook to wedding receptions. Whoever is starting will have to deal with the loss of ND's top three receivers in terms of catches. They will, however, have a big target in 89 John Carlson returning. Last year, Carlson averaged 4 catches and 58 yards per game. The receiving corps have been dubbed "The Smurfs," as most are on the short side of 6'0. Papa Smurf is 11 David Grimes, who averaged 2 catches and 28 yards per game in 2006. He did a good job as a tertiary option, but how will he fare as a secondary or primary option in this offense? Across from Grimes will be 19 George West, who last year had only one more catch (2) than carry (1). The backups are a talented but green bunch. 1 DJ Hord is trying to prove himself after losing 2006 to an injury; he reportedly hasn't dropped much of anything in practice. 82 Robby Parris had one catch last year, and he'll look to top that in the opener, given the chance.Irish fans may may remember MLB 41 Philip Wheeler as the human torpedo who liked to lead with his helmet. But Wheeler was also Georgia Tech's sack master with 9, and 14.5 TFL overall. The Yellow jackets recorded 13 interceptions last year, and 9 of those came from players returning to the secondary in 2007, in the form of safeties 23 Djay Jones (4) and 4 Jamal Lewis (3) and corner 2 Kenny Scott (2).
Special Teams
Travis Bell is back for his third year as Tech's kicker. Bell made 12 of 18 field goals in 2006, including 10 of 12 from inside 40 yards. Notre Dame's place kicker is still to be determined, but it won't be 39 Ryan Burkhart. Burkhart failed to crack the two deep, but walk-on 35 Nate Whitaker and freshman 14 Brandon WalkerTech also returns punter 39 Durant Brooks, who averaged 45.5 per punt in 2006, with a long of 63. That's only slightly better than 17 Geoff Price's 45.5 yards per last year. This will truly be a game of field position.
Rashaun Grant and Jamaal Evans return as Tech's kick returners, after averaging 16.2 and 22.8 yards per return, respectively, in 2006.
If and when Notre Dame receives the opening kick of 2007, a highly-touted freshman will be the first member of the blue and gold to touch the ball. Armando Allen and 23 Golden Tate are listed as Notre Dame's kick returners to start the game. If either falter, Darrin Walls and George West are waiting in the wings.
43 Tyler Evans was Tech's best punt returner in terms of yards per return last year, at 9.6. For this, Evans was rewarded primary punt return duties this year.
Tom Zbikowski is back for his third year as a punt returner. After averaging 14 yards per return in 14, Zibby had a pedestrian 9 yards per last year. He also had a 52-yard touchdown.
Look for a big game from Carlson, the O-Line, Crum, and Zbikowski.
ND 23, Georgia Tech 17: Aldrige plunges in, Grimes finds the end zone, one of the returners break one, and the placekicker makes up for a missed PAT with an easy field goal.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Know Thy Enemy
I plan on posting each team's "Know Thy Enemy Links" on the Monday or Tuesday before that week's game - so good luck getting any work done this fall. If I have left you off this list, screwed up your link, or grossly misinterpreted your blog title, please send an email to kanka@kankasports.zzn.com, or stop by our message board.
Golden Tornado
GT Sports Blog
Ramblin' On
Ramblin' Racket
AJC TechBlog
What's the Good Word?
YellowBlazer's World
Fanblogs Georgia Tech
FanHouse Georgia Tech
Black Shoe Diaries
Bleed Blue 'n White
50-Yard Lion
Fight On State
Lion in the Desert
The Nittany Line
Nittany Lines
The Nittany Notebook
The Nittany Turkey
Penn State Fan Letter
PSU Football Fanatics
Run Up the Score
There Is No Name On My Jersey
2 the Lion Football
Zombie Nation
Fanblogs Penn State
FanHouse Penn State
Autumn Thunder
Big House Football
Blah Me to Death
The Blog that Yost Built
Blue Cats and Red Sox
Dangerous Logic
The Diag
Football Outsiders
The Hoover Street Rag
iBlog for Cookies
Jim Harbaugh Scramble
MGoBlog
MVictors.com
The M Zone
Maize 'n' Brew
Michigan Against the World
Michigan Football Saturdays
Michigan Sports Center
Mr. Wolverine
Motown Sports Revival
Off Tackle
A Pudge is a Sandwich
Quo Vadimus
Rob in Madtown
Ronald Bellamy's Underachieving All-Stars
SportsLog Michigan
Stadium and Main
Straight Bangin'
Sweaty Men Endeavors
UMTailgate.com
Varsity Blue
Westsider Rider
Winged Helmets
Yet Another Michigan Sports Blog
Fanblogs Michigan
FanHouse Michigan
The Enlightened Spartan
SpartanBlog
Spartan Bob
A Spartan for All Seasons
Spartans Insider (was "Grinz on Green")
Spartan Tailgate
SpartyMSU Blog
Fanblogs MSU
FanHouse Michigan State
Boiler Station
Boilermaker Banter
It Came from Black Background
Off the Tracks
Unrestricted View
Fanblogs Purdue
FanHouse Purdue
Bruins Nation
Dump Dorrell
Inside UCLA
Insomniac's Lounge
LA Seitz of Chicago
Talking Bruins
What's Bruin(.net)
What's Bruin (LA Times)
What's Bruin, Dawg?
Fanblogs UCLA
FanHouse UCLA
Eagle in Atlanta
For Here Men are Men
Heights and Lows
News from the Hill
Fanblogs Boston College
FanHouse Boston College
Adam Rose
Attak Kat
Boi from Troy
A Choad's Guide to USC Football
Conquest Chronicles
Crazy Trojan Musings
Daily Trojan
DC Trojan
The Displaced Trojan
Fight on Forever
HeismanPundit
I Can't Complain
Inside USC
Irish Trojan
It's a Definite Maybe
Lex Icon
Play Tusk!
SC Football
Scott Wolf Inside USC
Student Body Right
Talking Trojans
Tommy Trojan's Blog
Tribute to Troy
Trojans Football News
TrojanWire
USC Football Fan
USC Football Tailgate
USC Herd
USC Trojan Football
We Are SC
Fanblogs USC
FanHouse USC
The Birddog
Pitch Right
Fanblogs Navy
FanHouse Navy
FanHouse Air Force
Fanblogs Duke
FanHouse Duke
Stanford Tree
Fanblogs Stanford
FanHouse Stanford
Chris Wilson's Blog O' (Irish) Fun
Classic Ground
The College Game
Daily Contentions
Domer Law Blog
eTruth
The Extra Point
Fire Mark May
The Galvin Opinion
Haiku Notre Dame
Her Loyal Sons
Here Come the Irish
The House Rock Built
Irish Blue and Gold
The Irish Brogue
Irish Eyes Power Hour
Irish Insights
Irish Law
Irish Round Table
Irish Stew
John Walters
Kelly Green
Majorly English
Marchand Chronicles
Mark May be Wrong
Musings of a Domer
ND CHOO CHOO
NDNation Blog
OC Domer
Pass Right
Rakes of Mallow
Robot Charlie
The Rock Report
Running at the Mouth
A Season of Saturdays
Sports Syndicate
Tough Guy
UHND Blog
Unrestricted View
We is Notre Dame
What Thou the Odds
Fanblogs Notre Dame
FanHouse Notre Dame
Georgia Tech
Georgia Tech Sports BlogGolden Tornado
GT Sports Blog
Ramblin' On
Ramblin' Racket
AJC TechBlog
What's the Good Word?
YellowBlazer's World
Fanblogs Georgia Tech
FanHouse Georgia Tech
Penn State
Back in Happy ValleyBlack Shoe Diaries
Bleed Blue 'n White
50-Yard Lion
Fight On State
Lion in the Desert
The Nittany Line
Nittany Lines
The Nittany Notebook
The Nittany Turkey
Penn State Fan Letter
PSU Football Fanatics
Run Up the Score
There Is No Name On My Jersey
2 the Lion Football
Zombie Nation
Fanblogs Penn State
FanHouse Penn State
Michigan
Ace of SportsAutumn Thunder
Big House Football
Blah Me to Death
The Blog that Yost Built
Blue Cats and Red Sox
Dangerous Logic
The Diag
Football Outsiders
The Hoover Street Rag
iBlog for Cookies
Jim Harbaugh Scramble
MGoBlog
MVictors.com
The M Zone
Maize 'n' Brew
Michigan Against the World
Michigan Football Saturdays
Michigan Sports Center
Mr. Wolverine
Motown Sports Revival
Off Tackle
A Pudge is a Sandwich
Quo Vadimus
Rob in Madtown
Ronald Bellamy's Underachieving All-Stars
SportsLog Michigan
Stadium and Main
Straight Bangin'
Sweaty Men Endeavors
UMTailgate.com
Varsity Blue
Westsider Rider
Winged Helmets
Yet Another Michigan Sports Blog
Fanblogs Michigan
FanHouse Michigan
Michigan State
Bleeding GreenThe Enlightened Spartan
SpartanBlog
Spartan Bob
A Spartan for All Seasons
Spartans Insider (was "Grinz on Green")
Spartan Tailgate
SpartyMSU Blog
Fanblogs MSU
FanHouse Michigan State
Purdue
Boiled SportsBoiler Station
Boilermaker Banter
It Came from Black Background
Off the Tracks
Unrestricted View
Fanblogs Purdue
FanHouse Purdue
UCLA
Bruin RoarBruins Nation
Dump Dorrell
Inside UCLA
Insomniac's Lounge
LA Seitz of Chicago
Talking Bruins
What's Bruin(.net)
What's Bruin (LA Times)
What's Bruin, Dawg?
Fanblogs UCLA
FanHouse UCLA
Boston College
The Bricks HouseEagle in Atlanta
For Here Men are Men
Heights and Lows
News from the Hill
Fanblogs Boston College
FanHouse Boston College
USC
According to USC TrojanAdam Rose
Attak Kat
Boi from Troy
A Choad's Guide to USC Football
Conquest Chronicles
Crazy Trojan Musings
Daily Trojan
DC Trojan
The Displaced Trojan
Fight on Forever
HeismanPundit
I Can't Complain
Inside USC
Irish Trojan
It's a Definite Maybe
Lex Icon
Play Tusk!
SC Football
Scott Wolf Inside USC
Student Body Right
Talking Trojans
Tommy Trojan's Blog
Tribute to Troy
Trojans Football News
TrojanWire
USC Football Fan
USC Football Tailgate
USC Herd
USC Trojan Football
We Are SC
Fanblogs USC
FanHouse USC
Navy
Adam Ballard 4 HeismanThe Birddog
Pitch Right
Fanblogs Navy
FanHouse Navy
Air Force
Fanblogs Air ForceFanHouse Air Force
Duke
News-Record Sports ExtraFanblogs Duke
FanHouse Duke
Stanford
College HotlineStanford Tree
Fanblogs Stanford
FanHouse Stanford
... and Know Thyself
Notre Dame
The Blue-Gray SkyChris Wilson's Blog O' (Irish) Fun
Classic Ground
The College Game
Daily Contentions
Domer Law Blog
eTruth
The Extra Point
Fire Mark May
The Galvin Opinion
Haiku Notre Dame
Her Loyal Sons
Here Come the Irish
The House Rock Built
Irish Blue and Gold
The Irish Brogue
Irish Eyes Power Hour
Irish Insights
Irish Law
Irish Round Table
Irish Stew
John Walters
Kelly Green
Majorly English
Marchand Chronicles
Mark May be Wrong
Musings of a Domer
ND CHOO CHOO
NDNation Blog
OC Domer
Pass Right
Rakes of Mallow
Robot Charlie
The Rock Report
Running at the Mouth
A Season of Saturdays
Sports Syndicate
Tough Guy
UHND Blog
Unrestricted View
We is Notre Dame
What Thou the Odds
Fanblogs Notre Dame
FanHouse Notre Dame
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Know Thy Enemy
Georgia Tech
Editor's Note: Look for a complete Know Thy Enemy, and Know Thyself post tomorrow, listing all ND and opponent blogs for the season.
In the meantime, if you have a GT blog that isn't listed below, or if something with your link or blog title is awry, please let me know via email or the message board. (Links are at the top of the page.)
Georgia Tech Sports Blog
Golden Tornado
Ramblin' On
Ramblin' Racket
AJC TechBlog
What's the Good Word?
Wreck Ramblin
YellowBlazer's World
Fanblogs Georgia Tech
In the meantime, if you have a GT blog that isn't listed below, or if something with your link or blog title is awry, please let me know via email or the message board. (Links are at the top of the page.)
Georgia Tech Sports Blog
Golden Tornado
Ramblin' On
Ramblin' Racket
AJC TechBlog
What's the Good Word?
Wreck Ramblin
YellowBlazer's World
Fanblogs Georgia Tech
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Editor's Note: Catching up, again. Also, if you've sent me a link request within the last 4-5 months, please resend it. I've done a terrible job of housekeeping this summer.
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
More bad news for Michael Vick. Nike has decided to delay the release of his new $100 shoes because of the recent allegations of whipping, beating and torture. Of the Chinese workers who make the shoes.
Elsewhere in the NFL, a state appeals court ruled that the 49ers are allowed to pat down fans before they enter the stadium. There's no shortage of men in the Bay area applying for the job. They should pat someone down - they've been allowing opposing teams to go untouched since the 1990s.
In baseball, the Braves signed 48-year-old Julio Franco. At least he thinks that's what they said; they weren't speaking very loudly.
Two players on the Pittsburgh Pirates admitted that they have Attention Deficit Disorder. It's a special version of the affliction that only lasts for nine innings.
LeBron James has been invited to host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live in September. And we thought he had a bad supporting cast in Cleveland.
Knicks guard Stephon Marbury has expressed interest in playing in Italy. Sorry, Knicks fans have expressed interest in Stephon Marbury playing in Italy.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is expected to recommend that the league expand by two teams. Chicago is thrilled, as they haven't had a professional team for decades. Maybe the NHL might expand to new territory - like Canada.
And Johannesburg cyclist Robert Hunter won the 11th stage of the Tour de France with a sizzling time of 3 hours, 47 minutes and 50 seconds. It's the fastest a white South African has moved since the end of Apartheid.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Pacers Jermaine O'Neal requested a trade to the Lakers. Kobe Bryant is thrilled, since he can't win without an O'Neal.
It was week of milestones as A-Rod hit his 500th home run, Tom Glavine won his 300th game, and Barry Bonds hit his 755th reporter. When Bonds hit his 755th home run, some in the stadium cheered while others booed. And that was just the Giants dugout.
Yao Ming married his 6 foot 2 girlfriend. Tallest canopy ever. The couple is looking forward to having many freakishly long babies.
The Cleveland Browns gave a $21 million contract to 22nd pick Brady Quinn. Wow - that's a million dollars for every player another team thought was better.
In Kentucky, new Knicks center Randolph Morris was arrested for reckless driving. Morris explained that's just how the Knicks play. We're surprised that more Knicks haven't been charged with reckless driving, shooting, and trading.
And the movie "Underdog" is flopping at the box office, despite a great performance from villain Michael Vick. In related news, the Southern Christian Leadership Conference has decided not to present an award to Vick. Not because of all the legal troubles, but because he plays for the Falcons.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
This week, a key defendant in the Michael Vick case asked for a plea bargain. By barking.
David Beckham has released a new cologne named "Intimately Beckham." Sadly, the fragrance is only effective in Europe.
Update on Yao Ming's wedding - it could be his only chance to get a ring during his career.
Cal Ripken Jr. has been appointed a Special Sports Envoy by Condoleezza Rice. It's the first time the government has hired anyone who will show up to work every day. Ripken has already spent more days in Washington than President Bush.
Magic Johnson will hold a fundraiser to support Hillary Clinton's presidential bid. That's perfect, since most political pundits agree that it will take some magic to get her elected.
The Miami Heat signed Penny Hardaway. The deal has been applauded by the year 1995. Penny arrive in Miami shortly, in tiger print pants while doing the Macarena.
Hank Aaron told reporters that he was asleep at his home when Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run. Apparently that's what happens when you have a clear conscience.
And the bad news is that a Los Angeles fan was arrested for throwing a water bottle at the A's Mike Piazza. The good news is that next week he'll be pitching for the Dodgers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
More bad news for Michael Vick. Nike has decided to delay the release of his new $100 shoes because of the recent allegations of whipping, beating and torture. Of the Chinese workers who make the shoes.
Elsewhere in the NFL, a state appeals court ruled that the 49ers are allowed to pat down fans before they enter the stadium. There's no shortage of men in the Bay area applying for the job. They should pat someone down - they've been allowing opposing teams to go untouched since the 1990s.
In baseball, the Braves signed 48-year-old Julio Franco. At least he thinks that's what they said; they weren't speaking very loudly.
Two players on the Pittsburgh Pirates admitted that they have Attention Deficit Disorder. It's a special version of the affliction that only lasts for nine innings.
LeBron James has been invited to host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live in September. And we thought he had a bad supporting cast in Cleveland.
Knicks guard Stephon Marbury has expressed interest in playing in Italy. Sorry, Knicks fans have expressed interest in Stephon Marbury playing in Italy.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is expected to recommend that the league expand by two teams. Chicago is thrilled, as they haven't had a professional team for decades. Maybe the NHL might expand to new territory - like Canada.
And Johannesburg cyclist Robert Hunter won the 11th stage of the Tour de France with a sizzling time of 3 hours, 47 minutes and 50 seconds. It's the fastest a white South African has moved since the end of Apartheid.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Pacers Jermaine O'Neal requested a trade to the Lakers. Kobe Bryant is thrilled, since he can't win without an O'Neal.
It was week of milestones as A-Rod hit his 500th home run, Tom Glavine won his 300th game, and Barry Bonds hit his 755th reporter. When Bonds hit his 755th home run, some in the stadium cheered while others booed. And that was just the Giants dugout.
Yao Ming married his 6 foot 2 girlfriend. Tallest canopy ever. The couple is looking forward to having many freakishly long babies.
The Cleveland Browns gave a $21 million contract to 22nd pick Brady Quinn. Wow - that's a million dollars for every player another team thought was better.
In Kentucky, new Knicks center Randolph Morris was arrested for reckless driving. Morris explained that's just how the Knicks play. We're surprised that more Knicks haven't been charged with reckless driving, shooting, and trading.
And the movie "Underdog" is flopping at the box office, despite a great performance from villain Michael Vick. In related news, the Southern Christian Leadership Conference has decided not to present an award to Vick. Not because of all the legal troubles, but because he plays for the Falcons.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
This week, a key defendant in the Michael Vick case asked for a plea bargain. By barking.
David Beckham has released a new cologne named "Intimately Beckham." Sadly, the fragrance is only effective in Europe.
Update on Yao Ming's wedding - it could be his only chance to get a ring during his career.
Cal Ripken Jr. has been appointed a Special Sports Envoy by Condoleezza Rice. It's the first time the government has hired anyone who will show up to work every day. Ripken has already spent more days in Washington than President Bush.
Magic Johnson will hold a fundraiser to support Hillary Clinton's presidential bid. That's perfect, since most political pundits agree that it will take some magic to get her elected.
The Miami Heat signed Penny Hardaway. The deal has been applauded by the year 1995. Penny arrive in Miami shortly, in tiger print pants while doing the Macarena.
Hank Aaron told reporters that he was asleep at his home when Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run. Apparently that's what happens when you have a clear conscience.
And the bad news is that a Los Angeles fan was arrested for throwing a water bottle at the A's Mike Piazza. The good news is that next week he'll be pitching for the Dodgers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Notre Dame Football Preview
Defense, Special Teams, and Predictions
Defensive Line
Spotlight: Pat Kuntz
| G | Tackles | TFL | Sacks | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | 12 | 48 | 15 | 8 |
Lost: Casey Cullen, Chris Frome, Derek Landri, Travis Leitko (graduation), John Ryan (position change), Ronald Talley (transfer), Derrell Hand (?)
Gained: Paddy Mullen, Kallen Wade (DNP as freshmen), Andrew Nuss, Emeka Nwankwo (freshmen)
One reason for the switch to the 3-4 is the talent available on this year's team. This is evident on the line, where experience is lacking and the top backup (Hand) may be unavailable for this season. 3-4 ends are bigger than 4-3 ends, and in the 3-4 the nose guard simply takes up space while the ends have more of an opportunity to make plays. That's why ND's top lineman, Trevor Laws, was moved to an end. Pat Kuntz gets his first chance to start, and he will be playing nosetackle despite his small size. But reports say he is a Derek Landri-style tackle - undersized, but with an unbeatable motor. After several years and several position changes, it looks like Dwight Stephenson, Jr. will finally see the starting lineup as the other end. If he doesn't, Justin Brown, one of the top backups from last year, will see playing time at the other end. After the starters and Brown, there isn't much experience but there is a ton of talent among many freshmen and sophomores who didn't see the field last year.
Linebacker
Spotlight: Toryan Smith
| G | Tackles | TFL | Sacks | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | 12 | 57 | 3.5 | 0 |
Lost: Nick Borseti, Kyle Charters, Mitchell Thomas (graduation), Travis Thomas (position change)
Gained: John Ryan, Morrice Richardson (position changes), Alex Lough, Kevin Smith (walk-ons), Aaron Nagel, Kerry Neal, Steve Paskorz, Brian Smith (freshmen)
Any one of the starting linebackers could have been put in the spotlight this year. Crum will again be expected to lead this unit. Highly touted out of high school, Vernaglia will finally get a crack at the starting lineup. He looks to earn a starting nod based on his all-around skills; the former safety should have superior coverage skills. Brought in as a defensive end, John Ryan becomes a pass rushing defensive end in the 3-4. Of course, Coach Weis promised that we could still see some 43 looks with 34 personnel, so that could be an indication that Ryan will play as a Willie McGinnest-style hybrid, occasionally lining up with his fingers on the ground. But Toryan Smith gets the spotlight because he has apparently stolen a starting inside linebacker spot. "Stolen" may be too harsh a word, considering the sophomore's talent. But the underrated Joe Brockington, who worked his way into the starting lineup last year, will again be coming off the bench thanks to Smith. Speaking of Smith, their are four Irish 'backers with that name, and it would be amusing to see them all on the field at once.
Safety
Spotlight: David Bruton
| G | Tackles | INT | Fum Rec | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | 12 | 52 | 2 | 4 |
Lost: Chinedum Ndukwe (graduation)
Gained: Leonard Gordon (DNP as freshman), Harrison Smith (freshman)
Ironically, if you do a Google image search for David Bruton, one of the first results is from a high school all-star game... where he's getting burned by Mario Manningham. Bruton has good size for a safety at 6'2" and has been impressive on special teams. But as past years have shown, all the size, speed, and talent in the world don't help if you're not standing in the right location. Let's hope Bruton and Tom Zbikowski's technique and reads improve greatly under Corwin Brown, or else it could be another long season for the Irish. Following a disappointing 2006, Zbikowski surprisingly came back for another try in 2007. He'll be the veteran leader of this defense, and he appears to come back healthier, in better shape, and with a better focus on football. Ray Herring and Kyle McCarthy will be the top backups in this unit, and they should serve as rather competent backups to Bruton and Zbikowski.
Cornerback
Spotlight: Ambrose Wooden
| G | Tackles | INT | PBU | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | 12 | 74 | 2 | 5 |
Lost: Tim Kenney, Mike Richardson (graduation)
Gained: Munir Prince (position change), John Leonis (walk on), Gary Gray (freshman)
Wooden returns for his second year in the spotlight. Last time, it was because he was the closest thing ND had to a bright spot at corner in 2005. This year, it's because he was nearly forgotten thanks to injuries and the improved play of Lambert and Mike Richardson. Richardson is impressing in the NFL, while Lambert absolutely broke out with his performance against MSU. With Wooden and Lambert, ND is going into the season with two competent corners for the first time since the #15 jersey wasn't cursed. Speaking of that #15 jersey, Leo Ferrine was the nickelback two years ago, and now finds himself a third stringer. That's no slam on Ferrine, it's simply a testament to the guys who were recruited to replace him. Sophomores Walls and McNeil are the second stringers, with Walls likely playing the nickelback and McNeil coming in for dime situations. The highly touted Gary Gray has been hampered by injuries and will likely sit out this season. Meanwhile, the speedy but undersized Munir Prince will try to learn the cornerback position after a failed outing at running back.
Kicker
Spotlight: Ryan Burkhart
| G | FG | PAT | Points | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | 6 | 1-1 | 2-2 | 5 |
Lost: Carl Gioia, Bobby Renkes (graduation)
Gained: Nate Whitaker (walk-on), Brandon Walker (freshman)
Well, Burhart is the experienced scholarship kicker, but that doesn't guarantee him anything. Brandon Walker is a talented freshman with a strong leg, but he may be more of a punter than a field goal kicker. Walk-on Nate Whitaker is the X-factor here, and a good showing in practice will get him on the field on Saturdays.
Punter
Spotlight: Geoff Price| G | No | Avg | In 20 | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
Lost: none
Gained: Xavier Burton (walk-on)
After years of looking like a bust, Price burst onto the scene in 2006 and instantly became a Ray Guy candidate. With a young offense and defense, Price could be the team MVP this year. Price will again be backed up by baseball's Eric Maust, and also by walk-on Xavier Burton
2007 Schedule
9-01-07 GEORGIA TECH9-08-07 at Penn State
9-15-07 at Michigan
9-22-07 MICHIGAN STATE
9-29-07 @ Purdue
10-06-07 @ UCLA
10-13-07 BOSTON COLLEGE
10-20-07 SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
11-03-07 NAVY
11-10-07 AIR FORCE
11-17-07 DUKE
11-24-07 at Stanford
Predicted Wins Legend (final record in parentheses)
Sure wins (4-8)
Win 4 of these 6, and I'll call it a successful season (8-4)
True fans go into every game thinking their team has a shot to win (12-0)
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Notre Dame Football Preview
Offense
Quarterback
Spotlight: Demetrius Jones
| G | Att-Comp-Int | Yds | TD | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | DNP | |||
Lost: Brady Quinn, Dan Gorski (graduation), Zach Frazer (transfer)
Gained: Darrin Bragg (position change), Justin Gillett (walk-on), Jimmy Clausen (freshman)
Those who do listen to Charlie Weis seem ready to annoint Sharpley as the starter. Those who don't listen to Weis seem ready to give the job to Clausen. But what about Jones? What happens when you combine Charlie Weis and a mobile quarterback?
Clausen has the arm and the golden boy reputation, but Sharpley has the experience (limited though it may be) and poise. Outside observers assume Sharpley is a pocket passer a la Clausen, but Weis keeps reminding everyone that Sharpley has a combination of Jones and Clausen's skills. My interpretation is that Sharley is a poor man's Brady Quinn athletically, able to elude a rusher and scramble when needed.
Running Back
Spotlight: James Aldridge
| G | Att | Yds | TD | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | 7 | 37 | 149 | 0 |
Lost: John Lyons (graduation), Dex Cure, Munir Prince (position changes), Darius Walker (NFL)
Gained: Armando Allen, Robert Hughes (freshmen), Nikolas Rodrigues (walk-on)
Thomas is the proven commodity, at least as proven as anyone on this team. Fans can't stop raving about Hughes and Allen's thunder and lightning potential. But where does that leave Aldridge in the rotation?
Fullback
Spotlight: Luke Schmidt
| G | Att | Yds | TD | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | DNP | |||
Lost: Matt Augustyn, Ashley McConnell (graduation)
Gained: Dex Cure (position change), Mike Narvaez (walk-on)
Everyone knows what Schwapp can do, and he does it well. Unfortunately, though, Schwapp isn't much of an offensive threat. Is that where Schmidt comes in? Schmidt was a highly-touted as a freshman last year, but never saw the field. If Schmidt becomes the "offensive fullback," does he keep the job next year, or would he just be keeping it warm for Hughes?
Wide Receiver
Spotlight: David Grimes
| G | Rec | Yds | TD | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | 12 | 26 | 336 | 2 |
Lost: Chase Anastasio, Craig Cardillo, David Costanzo, Rhema McKnight, Jeff Samardzija (graduation), Darrin Bragg (position change)
Gained: DJ Hord (injury), Barry Gallup, Jr. (DNP as freshman), Sam Vos (walk-on), Duval Kamara, Golden Tate (freshmen)
The spotlight is on Grimes, but not because he's the only proven player in the receiving corps. Grimes has a huge responsibility this year - lead a young unit, prove to be a reliable option for an untested quarterback, and draw attention away from John Carlson. Grimes had a good year as Notre Dame's third, fourth, or fifth option. Fortunately, with Carlson still around, Grimes has another year as a secondary option to learn his craft.
As opposed to the height over the last two years, this year's receivers are, according to Coach Weis, the Smurfs. There's talent, but no size outside of Kamara. That will force this year's quarterback to be much more accurate. George West, actually shorter than Grimes, looks to have turned his limited 2006 experience into the other starting job.
The X factor here is D.J. Hord, who may be Notre Dame's #1 receiver this year if not for an injury that kept him out for all of 2006.
Tight End
Spotlight: John Carlson
Courtesy AP/Paul Sakuma
| G | Rec | Yds | TD | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2006 | 11 | 46 | 634 | 4 |
Lost: Marcus Freeman, Michael Planalp (graduation)
Gained: Mike Ragone (freshman)
No surprise here. Carlson broke out in 2006, with one of the best seasons by a tight end in Notre Dame season. The lanky, athletic target will draw much more attention this year, especially as the only proven star on the offense.
But the rest of the tight ends are stars in the making. With the defense's attenton on Carlson, and short, unproven receivers, the Irish QB may find himself opting for a taller safety valve more often than not.
Offensive Line
Spotlight: John Sullivan
| G | |
|---|---|
| 2006 | 13 |
Lost: Dan Chervanik, Ryan Harris, Brian Mattes, Bob Morton, Dan Santucci (graduation)
Gained: Chris Stewart, Bartley Webb, Dan Wenger, (DNP as freshmen), Thomas Bemenderfer (transfer), Taylor Dever, Matt Romine (freshmen)
2006 was a rough year for the Irish line. Sullivan returns for his fourth year as a starter, and he will once again anchor the line at center. Duncan and Turkovich were the primary backups last year, and it looks like they'll anchor the right side of the line. Meanwhile, it appears that a new face will step in at the other guard.
Sullivan's backup will be Thomas Bemenderfer, a local product who just transferred from Northwestern. Bemenderfer's older brother was a walk-on defensive back, and I most certainly was not a walk-on defensive back.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Cleveland Browns 16, Kansas City Chiefs 12
Kansas City's two star running backs didn't even play. Their other top three offensive weapons only made token appearances. (Tony Gonzalez and Eddie Kennison started and each caught one pass. Damon Huard attempted 4 passed after relieving Brodie Croyle.) So it's no wonder their offense was nonexistent. Their touchdown was scored when Browns RB Jerome Harrison let a lateral sail over his head and failed to retrieve it. The safety was scored after Browns PR Brandon McDonald let a punt go by that was stopped at the one. And the final field goal was scored on the 3rd team defense.
That being said, the Browns managed to let the Chiefs stay in this game in spite of themselves. As was the case far too many times over the past two years, the Browns were able to move the ball down the field fairly well, but they fell apart in the red zone. Four trip inside the 20 resulted in three field goals and a botched attempt at a fourth. With time running down at the end of the half and no time outs left, Charlie Frye tried to improvise and scramble for a touchdown but fell well short.
Of Cleveland's starting QBs, Frye did look the best. Sure, most of his passes were checkdowns and dumpoffs, but 3 yards gained is better than no yards gained. Derek Anderson failed to find any rhythm at all, and most of his passes were either off target or forced into openings that just weren't there. Ken Dorsey was supposed to play the entire second half, but Romeo Crennel decided to give Anderson the first drive of the third quarter to attempt to redeem himself. He really didn't. Because of this, and because the game was still relatively close at the end, Dorsey stayed in for the remainder of the game. Despite chants of "Brady, Brady" starting late in the third period, Quinn stayed on the bench.
Jamal Lewis looked fair in his first appearance wearing brown and orange. He averaged 5 yards on 4 carries, and showed good hands hauling in 3 checkdown passes. A bulked up Jerome Harrison had a few good runs against the backup defense, while Jason Wright struggled. Twice the Browns tried to run up the middle on obvious 3rd and short situations, and twice they were stuffed. That's nothing new.
Buck Ortega was the star receiver, as the tight end caught four passes from former Hurricanes teammate Dorsey against the Chiefs third stringers. Seventh round pick Syndric Steptoe looked unimpressive both as a receiver and a returner.
On the line, Joe Thomas was called for holding twice. It could be a case of a rookie needing to adjust to the league, or it could just be a case of the refs calling him tight in his first game. But surely Browns announcer Doug Dieken felt right at home hearing holding called on his old number 73.
On the defensive front seven, Kamerion Wimbley again caused havoc, despite not recording a single tackle. He did however pressure Brodie Croyle into throwing an interception right to Leigh Bodden. Lineman David McMillan and linebackers Kris Griffin and Clifton Smith heard their names called often, which could help them stay on this ballclub.
The secondary played a very good game. On the first drive, rookie Eric Wright was tested on a deep ball. With his back to the play, he simply reached his arm up to knock the ball down. While that's perfectly legal in college, defenders are required in the NFL to turn around and face the pass. So that's something Wright will have to be careful about. Bodden, as mentioned above, had a gift-wrapped interception. Last year, after Bodden the corners weren't anything to write home about. But even those returning DBs played well. Daven Holly had a clean interception.
But the play of the game came with less than two minutes to go, when reserve RB Chris Barclay returned a kickoff for the go-ahead touchdown. With 95 seconds remaining, the Browns still needed to make a stop to seal the victory. They did, but just barely.
That being said, the Browns managed to let the Chiefs stay in this game in spite of themselves. As was the case far too many times over the past two years, the Browns were able to move the ball down the field fairly well, but they fell apart in the red zone. Four trip inside the 20 resulted in three field goals and a botched attempt at a fourth. With time running down at the end of the half and no time outs left, Charlie Frye tried to improvise and scramble for a touchdown but fell well short.
Of Cleveland's starting QBs, Frye did look the best. Sure, most of his passes were checkdowns and dumpoffs, but 3 yards gained is better than no yards gained. Derek Anderson failed to find any rhythm at all, and most of his passes were either off target or forced into openings that just weren't there. Ken Dorsey was supposed to play the entire second half, but Romeo Crennel decided to give Anderson the first drive of the third quarter to attempt to redeem himself. He really didn't. Because of this, and because the game was still relatively close at the end, Dorsey stayed in for the remainder of the game. Despite chants of "Brady, Brady" starting late in the third period, Quinn stayed on the bench.
Jamal Lewis looked fair in his first appearance wearing brown and orange. He averaged 5 yards on 4 carries, and showed good hands hauling in 3 checkdown passes. A bulked up Jerome Harrison had a few good runs against the backup defense, while Jason Wright struggled. Twice the Browns tried to run up the middle on obvious 3rd and short situations, and twice they were stuffed. That's nothing new.
Buck Ortega was the star receiver, as the tight end caught four passes from former Hurricanes teammate Dorsey against the Chiefs third stringers. Seventh round pick Syndric Steptoe looked unimpressive both as a receiver and a returner.
On the line, Joe Thomas was called for holding twice. It could be a case of a rookie needing to adjust to the league, or it could just be a case of the refs calling him tight in his first game. But surely Browns announcer Doug Dieken felt right at home hearing holding called on his old number 73.
On the defensive front seven, Kamerion Wimbley again caused havoc, despite not recording a single tackle. He did however pressure Brodie Croyle into throwing an interception right to Leigh Bodden. Lineman David McMillan and linebackers Kris Griffin and Clifton Smith heard their names called often, which could help them stay on this ballclub.
The secondary played a very good game. On the first drive, rookie Eric Wright was tested on a deep ball. With his back to the play, he simply reached his arm up to knock the ball down. While that's perfectly legal in college, defenders are required in the NFL to turn around and face the pass. So that's something Wright will have to be careful about. Bodden, as mentioned above, had a gift-wrapped interception. Last year, after Bodden the corners weren't anything to write home about. But even those returning DBs played well. Daven Holly had a clean interception.
But the play of the game came with less than two minutes to go, when reserve RB Chris Barclay returned a kickoff for the go-ahead touchdown. With 95 seconds remaining, the Browns still needed to make a stop to seal the victory. They did, but just barely.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
COACH WEIS: No gimmicks this year.
That is all. Carry on.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Editor's Note: Real, original football content coming soon, I promise. Or at least I hope.
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Tough week for Michael Vick. A spokesman for PETA announced that he has film of the Falcons quarterback throwing pigskins. Word is Vick is planning to sell his Virginia estate where the alleged dog fights took place, and buy a house closer to his job. In Canada.
Elsewhere in the NFL, some pipes broke and filled the Cleveland Browns locker room with raw sewage, reminding everyone of Tim Couch.
The Texas Rangers traded Mark Texiera to the Braves for four prospects, which they will eventually trade for a washed up pitcher.
Hoping to win back the public's trust, the NBA announced it's new head of officiating - Pete Rose.
In golf, Jim Furyk edged out Vijay Singh to win the Canadian Open. That's just like the US Open, but with nobody watching.
Kentucky Derby winning jockey Jose Santos announced his retirement, and is looking forward to eating again.
Evander Holyfield will fight for a version of the heavyweight title at age 44 in Moscow. In Russia he won't look old, he'll just look poisoned.
And the National Guard is in talks to sponsor Dale Earnhardt Jr's NASCAR team as a great way to recruit more poor people. The Army decided against sponsoring Jeff Gordon for unknown reasons. We didn't ask, they didn't tell.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Tough week for Michael Vick. A spokesman for PETA announced that he has film of the Falcons quarterback throwing pigskins. Word is Vick is planning to sell his Virginia estate where the alleged dog fights took place, and buy a house closer to his job. In Canada.
Elsewhere in the NFL, some pipes broke and filled the Cleveland Browns locker room with raw sewage, reminding everyone of Tim Couch.
The Texas Rangers traded Mark Texiera to the Braves for four prospects, which they will eventually trade for a washed up pitcher.
Hoping to win back the public's trust, the NBA announced it's new head of officiating - Pete Rose.
In golf, Jim Furyk edged out Vijay Singh to win the Canadian Open. That's just like the US Open, but with nobody watching.
Kentucky Derby winning jockey Jose Santos announced his retirement, and is looking forward to eating again.
Evander Holyfield will fight for a version of the heavyweight title at age 44 in Moscow. In Russia he won't look old, he'll just look poisoned.
And the National Guard is in talks to sponsor Dale Earnhardt Jr's NASCAR team as a great way to recruit more poor people. The Army decided against sponsoring Jeff Gordon for unknown reasons. We didn't ask, they didn't tell.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Top 9 Other Ways Title IX Could Have Been Implemented Vis-Ã -vis Sports, In Increasing Order Of Unlikeliness
Editor's Note: This is part of what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.
Editor's Note #2: For the love of all that's holy, please don't send me any hate mail. If you need to, ask me and I can give you Klondike's email address, phone number, home address, and/or license plate number.
#9: All sports, being inherently inequitable, could be eliminated entirely.
#8: Men and women could be integrated into a single team.
#7: Schools could segregate into men-only and women-only institutions.
#6: We could all just smile and nod, pat Title IX on the head, then ignore it and go about our business.
#5: We could redefine "sports" to include things like shopping, child-care, nagging, and feminine hygene.
#4: We could redefine "men" to include things like women.
#3: Every male player in every sport could tie a female player to his leg, in the manner of a three-legged race.
#2: A lottery could be held in each school. All members of the losing sex would undergo sexual-reorientation surgery.
#1: We could devolve as a species back into single-celled, asexual bacteria, where concepts like "sports" and "gender equality" are meaningless.
All the best.
Editor's Note #2: For the love of all that's holy, please don't send me any hate mail. If you need to, ask me and I can give you Klondike's email address, phone number, home address, and/or license plate number.
#9: All sports, being inherently inequitable, could be eliminated entirely.
#8: Men and women could be integrated into a single team.
#7: Schools could segregate into men-only and women-only institutions.
#6: We could all just smile and nod, pat Title IX on the head, then ignore it and go about our business.
#5: We could redefine "sports" to include things like shopping, child-care, nagging, and feminine hygene.
#4: We could redefine "men" to include things like women.
#3: Every male player in every sport could tie a female player to his leg, in the manner of a three-legged race.
#2: A lottery could be held in each school. All members of the losing sex would undergo sexual-reorientation surgery.
#1: We could devolve as a species back into single-celled, asexual bacteria, where concepts like "sports" and "gender equality" are meaningless.
All the best.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Trade Rumors! Hooray!
With the trading deadline less than a week away , here's a quick look at trade rumors involving the favorite teams of some of this site's loyal readers. Thanks to MLB Trade Rumors, a very Gammonsesque source.
The Sox really want to improve their bullpen - why I don't know - with a guy like Akinori Otsuka of Texas or Chad Qualls of Houston. Boston was rumored to have scouts looking at Dodgers third base superprospect Andy LaRoche, but it is unclear who the Dodgers would want in return. Boston has wanted Bobby Kielty for a few weeks, and they may get him now that Oakland has designated him for assignment.
Looking ahead, the Red Sox may try to wine and dine Alex Rodriguez this offseason. That's what you call a slight improvement over Julio Lugo.
What are the Cubs still looking for? The first thing is another bat in the outfield, with names like Adam Dunn, Xavier Nady, Jermaine Dye, Jeff Conine, and Ken Griffey, Jr. The presence of Dunn, Nady, and Conine on that list may also indicate that the Cubs are looking a bat that can play first base when Derek Lee is out of the lineup. Conine was rumored to be dealt straight up for Jacque Jones, but with Jones' improved play that may not happen. The Cubs are also looking at the pitching being made available by the White Sox, notably Jose Contreras. Zach Greinke of the Royals is a wildcard name. He's still only 23 and can pop the upper 90s out of the bullpen, but don't close the book on him as a starter yet. Still, I imagine his price will be high.
The big thing the Indians are looking for is bullpen help. Specifically, they're looking at late-inning guys who can pitch the 8th in front of Joe Borowski, or fill in at closer if Borowski fails. The big name is Eric Gagne, but the Indians are not on the list of teams he wants to play for, and he wouldn't accept a "demotion" to setup man anyways. Octavio Dotel is another option, but Dotel is very popular and the Royals may set a high price because of that. The Indians are willing to trade prospects, but are not willing to trade can't miss guys like they did in the '90s with Brian Giles and Sean Casey. (The list of modern-day Caseys and Gileses includes Adam Miller, Franklin Gutierrez, and Ben Francisco. It may or may not include Aaron Laffey, who is rumored to make a showcase start later this week.) The darkhorse favorite among the blogging community is the very affordable and very effective Joaquin Benoit of Texas. The Indians are also looking at Jose Contreras, which is not a bad idea with both Clifford Lee and Jake Westbrook struggling.
Boston Red Sox
Their fans invade our ballpark, and now I have to lead off the article with them? For some reason, the Sox haven't found a spot for Wily Mo Pena's talent, so he's a name that comes up often. In return, Boston may try to get Octavio Dotel or Reggie Sanders. With the high price the Yankees are being asked for Mark Teixeira (see below), the Sox have become the frontrunner for the Rangers first baseman. Presumably, Kevin Youkilis would move back to third and Mike Lowell would find a new home. (Interestingly enough, Teixeira started as a third baseman but moved to first when blocked by Hank Blalock. But I doubt he'll move back to the hot corner at this stage in his career.)The Sox really want to improve their bullpen - why I don't know - with a guy like Akinori Otsuka of Texas or Chad Qualls of Houston. Boston was rumored to have scouts looking at Dodgers third base superprospect Andy LaRoche, but it is unclear who the Dodgers would want in return. Boston has wanted Bobby Kielty for a few weeks, and they may get him now that Oakland has designated him for assignment.
Looking ahead, the Red Sox may try to wine and dine Alex Rodriguez this offseason. That's what you call a slight improvement over Julio Lugo.
Chicago Cubs
The Cubs have already made some moves, shipping off Mark Barrett and replacing him later with Jason Kendall. Kendall brings veteran leadership, but his arm isn't what it used to, and the Cubs still don't have a receiver who can hit. They also shipped off Cesar Izturis and his contract to the Pirates to make sure Ryan Theriot and Ronny Cedeno get proper playing time.What are the Cubs still looking for? The first thing is another bat in the outfield, with names like Adam Dunn, Xavier Nady, Jermaine Dye, Jeff Conine, and Ken Griffey, Jr. The presence of Dunn, Nady, and Conine on that list may also indicate that the Cubs are looking a bat that can play first base when Derek Lee is out of the lineup. Conine was rumored to be dealt straight up for Jacque Jones, but with Jones' improved play that may not happen. The Cubs are also looking at the pitching being made available by the White Sox, notably Jose Contreras. Zach Greinke of the Royals is a wildcard name. He's still only 23 and can pop the upper 90s out of the bullpen, but don't close the book on him as a starter yet. Still, I imagine his price will be high.
Cleveland Indians
There was a rumor that the Indians were looking at Kenny Lofton, but that was quickly squashed. Lofton quickly becomes disgruntled when he can't play center or bat leadoff. In Cleveland, both of those jobs belong to Grady Sizemore. Lofton would have played left and hit second. Theoretically, hitting him leadoff with Sizemore second would be effective, but I don't see Eric Wedge doing that.The big thing the Indians are looking for is bullpen help. Specifically, they're looking at late-inning guys who can pitch the 8th in front of Joe Borowski, or fill in at closer if Borowski fails. The big name is Eric Gagne, but the Indians are not on the list of teams he wants to play for, and he wouldn't accept a "demotion" to setup man anyways. Octavio Dotel is another option, but Dotel is very popular and the Royals may set a high price because of that. The Indians are willing to trade prospects, but are not willing to trade can't miss guys like they did in the '90s with Brian Giles and Sean Casey. (The list of modern-day Caseys and Gileses includes Adam Miller, Franklin Gutierrez, and Ben Francisco. It may or may not include Aaron Laffey, who is rumored to make a showcase start later this week.) The darkhorse favorite among the blogging community is the very affordable and very effective Joaquin Benoit of Texas. The Indians are also looking at Jose Contreras, which is not a bad idea with both Clifford Lee and Jake Westbrook struggling.
New York Mets
The Mets are littered throughout trade rumors this July. It seems like everyone wants Lastings Milledge, or at least Carlos Gomez, so it will be interesting to see if the Metropolitans part with either of their young outfield talents. The White Sox have Jermaine Dye and Javier Vazquez, and the Southsiders have been looking for a centerfielder ever since trading away Aaron Rowand. (Coincidentally, they considered trying to reacquire Aaron Rowand earlier this year.) The Mets are looking at just about every reliever available on the market, including half of the relievers in the state of Texas. The Royals are asking for, surprise surprise, a centerfielder in return for Octavio Dotel. The Mets are also considering Chad Cordero, Akinori Otsuka, Salomon Torres, Brad Lidge, Dan Wheeler, and Chad Qualls. The Nats are asking for both Milledge and Mike Pelfrey for Cordero. The Mets are willing to trade Pelfrey if necessary, but he and Milledge are a lot to ask for in return for a guy who peaked last year and is already on the decline. But if the Nats throw Livan Hernandez in the deal, it starts to even out. Almost. Rumor has it that Lidge isn't available, but Wheeler and Qualls have been very popular names. The Mets may also try to pick up Mark Loretta from the Astros. Loretta has played all 4 infield spots this year, and he still hits well enough to be one of the best second basemen in the league. But the Mets may wait until the offseason and attempt to sign Luis Castillo. Reyes and Castillo up the middle and leading off the ballgame - imagine that combination! While we're looking at 2008, the Mets may attempt to dump Paul Lo Duca and add Ronny Paulino from the Pirates.New York Yankees
Predictably, the Yankees are after the biggest names on the market. That means Gagne and Teixeira of the Rangers. But the Rangers are asking Philip Hughes and Joba Chamberlain for Teixeira. Those are the Yankees' two top prospects, which means that if they got rid of them, they'd have to shut down their minor league system for lack of players. The Yankees need help at first base, and have tried to offer Scott Proctor for Oakland's Dan Johnson. Johnson doesn't really hit well enough to play first base, and that's when he's actually doing well. Yeah, he'll survive in the Bronx. Another option is Troy Glaus, who could play first and back up Rodriguez at third. Speaking of backups, Mark Loretta and Wilson Betemit have seen interest from the Yankees, but I'm not sure why that's news. The Yankees have also scouted White Sox starter Jon Garland. Other than that, they're looking to dump payroll. Bobby Abreu has lost motivation again, which is sad considering his talent. Proctor and Rowdy Kyle Farnsworth are names out of the bullpen that frequently come up in Yankees rumors.Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates are actually making some noise this July. They're openly trying to pry Jarrod Saltalamachia away from the Braves. Saltalamachia is blocked by Brian McCann in Atlanta, and the Braves seem reluctant to move him to first base despite a complete lack of production from that position this year. A lineup centered around Jason Bay, Adam LaRoche, and Salty would definitely be a step in the right direction for Pittsburgh. The Dodgers are also rumored to be offering Matt Kemp. Both the Braves and the Dodgers want starter Ian Snell. Considering the way Tom Gorzelanny has developed,that may not be too bad of a deal for the Buccos. There was also a rumor that the Blue Jays were interested in Jack Wilson, but I'm not sure why. The Jays are looking to upgrade offense at short, but Wilson has always been a defensive guy. Is he really that much of an improvement over John MacDonald? Toronto may have already changed its mind, but if this trade goes down, the Bucs may get Troy Glaus.Seattle Mariners
The M's are in position to make a push at the wildcard, and they're going to make a run for it. They're trying to unload Richie Sexson, but no one wants to pay $14 million for a guy who's hitting .197. Looking to upgrade offense, the Mariners are eyeing Jermaine Dye, Dmitri Young, and Ken Griffey, Jr. The M's already have three 1B/DH types in Sexson, Ben Broussard, and Jose Vidro, so one of those would have to go if Young was added. Not to say that Young wouldn't be an improvement over any of those guys, because he would. But he's certainly no outfielder or third baseman anymore (if he ever was a third baseman). To support Felix Hernandez, Seattle is looking at Dontrelle Willis, who the Mariners vehemently deny being available, and Livan Hernandez. Even if Willis was available, Florida president burned the bridge to Seattle by publicly bad mouthing the Ichiro signing. Hernandez, of course, could possibly be packaged with Willis for some young talent.Sunday, July 22, 2007
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Editor's Note: Looks like I had some catching up to do.
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Topps is producing insert cards that commemorate each one of Barry Bonds' career homers. If you put all 745 of them together, they're slightly smaller than the size of his head.
Speaking of big things, Tony Gwynn said he plans to enter the Hall of Fame like he batted: at around 330.
According to a new study, Yankee Stadium sells 30,000 hot dogs during each home game, and only half of them are to Jason Giambi.
Most of the players on the New York Mets shaved their heads. Nothing brings fans out to the park like a big group of skinheads with bats. In a related story, John Rocker is now a Mets fan.
The Brewers recently gave away two free tickets to any fan willing to undergo a free prostate exam. Management must be getting fans ready for what it will feel like when they collapse.
Update on the NHL playoffs: they're still happening. Yesterday, some team beat some other team. Even Canadians would rather watch baseball.
And the NBA has the highest ever percentage of minority executives in men's sports history. If you count Isiah Thomas as an executive.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Sammy Sosa is closing in on 600 home runs. To celebrate, he uncorked a new bat.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays played a three game series at Disney World in an attempt to increase their exposure in the Orlando area. Which makes sense, since they've always been a Mickey Mouse operation.
A recent survey of 464 Major League Baseball players named Barry Bonds the least friendly player in the game. On the positive side, it's the first time Bonds has won anything without cheating. And his approval ratings are still higher than George Bush.
The Phillies scheduled Danny DeVito to throw out a first pitch. It's the first time the mound dwarfs the man throwing off of it.
In football, Washington's Clinton Portis defended Michael Vick, saying dog fighting was not nearly as criminal as selling Redskins season tickets.
Another Cincinnati Bengal was arrested. Why should this night be different from all others?
Turning to basketball, Greg Oden wants to try out for the U.S. Olympic team this summer, assuming summer school ends in time.
Speaking of summer school, Phoenix Suns star Amare Stoudemire will take classes at Arizona State this summer. Unfortunately, the classes will not be in anger management.
And Michelle Wie is looking for another chance to make the PGA Tour. Unfortunately, her parents took away her Play Station.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Nashville Predators might be moving north now that they’ve been purchased by a Canadian businessman. It's uncertain as to whether anyone in Tennessee will actually notice. This is the biggest scam pulled on Nashville by a Canadian since Shania Twain's career.
Nike is resuming soccer ball production in Pakistan. Who better to make toys for five-year-olds than other five-year-olds?
Former NBA player Henry James has been sentenced to five years in jail after being caught dealing cocaine while his six young children were with him. Worst Bring Your Child to Work Day ever.
Memphis small forward Mike Miller is donating $1 million to help ill children. It's not as generous as you may think. Most of the children became ill after watching the Grizzlies play.
Gary Payton is leaning towards retirement. We’d prefer if he fell completely into it. Payton said he wants to spend more time at home trash talking with his children.
Dodger Stadium now has an all-you-can-eat section where fans can feast on Dodger Dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soda. The seats will attract both fat people in LA. And make the Dodgers more appealing to David Wells.
And Michael Vick is continuing to deny reports that he was at a dog fight. However, it was difficult to hear him over all of those dogs.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The University of Colorado has recently raised $125 million. The money will be used to bring the football program a higher caliber sexual assault victim.
FSN has reached an agreement to sublicense up to 10 college football games to Versus. The nation's fly fishing fans are furious. You remember Versus, don't you? It's the place where hockey went to die.
Detroit Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers is being accused of groping a stripper. Someone wants to get traded to Cincinnati.
Speaking of crime, the Sopranos series finale squashed Game Two of the NBA Finals. Viewers preferred to watch something they couldn't predict.
The Orlando Magic have signed Stan Van Gundy to coach the team. Billy Donovan applauded the club before changing his mind later on that day.
In golf news, 12-year-old Alexis Thompson qualified for the women's U.S. Open. Thompson now has as many Majors as Michelle Wie.
John Daly told authorities his wife Sherrie tried to stab him with a steak knife. Daly was thankfully able to defend himself easily while still finishing his t-bone. Thankfully Sherrie, like her husband, just missed the cut.
In other golf news, U.S. Open players are concerned about what many are calling golf's most perilous hazard: John Daly's wife.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Three-time boxing champion James Toney has tested positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when his head couldn't fit through the ropes.
USA Today reported that 48% of Americans have played organized basketball, and the rest have played for the Knicks. The paper also reported that 1% of French athletes 11-years-old and under have already used performance enhancing drugs. The others just drink wine like they're supposed to.
Enrique Iglesias just released a new album entitled "Insomniac." If you shared a bed with Anna Kournikova, you wouldn't want to sleep much either.
Dikembe Mutombo, Edgar Martinez and Kyle Petty were inducted to Boise, Idaho's World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Most overheard comment? "You've got a funny accent."
Speaking of humanitarians, Cavs forward Ira Newble recently met with 15 Darfur refugees living in Cleveland. That's the first time anyone has ever been excited to move to Cleveland.
Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was unable to practice after being shot in the groin with a paintball. Too bad he didn't get shot in a less sensitive part of his body, like his head.
The Yankees made history by signing two 19-year-old players from China's baseball association. It was mainly historical because the Yankees signed pitchers that weren't close to retirement. The Yankees were hoping to get another 38-year-old, but two 19-year-olds will do.
And speaking of young, Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes is in trouble again, this time for impregnating the 17-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. Dukes swears she looked 18 – which would make her the 18-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. And that's TOTALLY okay.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Jeff Gordon and his wife on their new daughter Ella. Ella will be sponsored by Dupont.
The NBA's Paul Pierce and Austin Powers star Verne Troyer got into an argument after Pierce addressed Troyer as "Mini Me." Luckily it was just a small argument, and ended shortly.
LeBron James has been appointed commissioner of The Bubblicious Ultimate Bubble Blowing League. Because no one knows more about having a bubble burst than LeBron James.
The NHL is hoping that new league wide uniforms will help boost interest in the sport. All five people watching on Versus will really appreciate the effort.
Many baseball fans are still talking about Sammy Sosa hitting his 600th career homerun. Enough already – put a cork in it. Congratulations Sammy – to think how many empty wine bottles that must have taken.
Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks suspects that two-time AL MVP Juan Gonzalez may have used steroids. Hicks also suspects that the earth may indeed orbit around the sun.
A monkey will throw out the ceremonial first pitch before an upcoming game at Fenway Park. She'll be the hairiest creature to take the mound in Boston since David Wells.
And a woman spent one million dollars on a conman pretending to be Pedro Martinez. The man was proven to be a fraud when it was discovered he could pitch.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Craig Biggio, who became the 27th major leaguer with 3,000 hits. And it only took him 3,000 seasons.
A group of New York Yankees went to visit injured Iraq war veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Because if there's anyone who knows about getting shelled, it's the New York Yankees.
Struggling Yankee reliever Scott Proctor tried to improve his fortunes by setting his equipment on fire. The Yankees are considering doing the same thing to Bobby Abreau.
In tennis, Roger Federer won his 50th straight match on grass. No one has played this well on grass since Ricky Williams.
The NFL has folded its European League after 16 years. Football fans in Estonia are crushed.
The Louisiana state legislature has voted to ban cockfighting. Looks like the Saints won't be playing the Falcons this year.
The Philadelphia Flyers have agreed to a $52 million contract with free agent forward Daniel Briere. To pay his salary, they'll be selling the franchise three times.
A couple in England gave their daughter 25 middle names, each the last name of a former boxing champion. It's the first time the birth certificate will weigh more than the baby itself. And the baby is already drooling and babbling like the best of them.
And Mike Tyson is livid that WBA Heavyweight champion Ryslan Chagaev is being called "the White Tyson" simply due to his similar physique. Chagaev apologized and promised that he'll also start eating babies.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Roger Federer, who tied Bjorn Borg's record of five straight Wimbledon titles without a personality.
The Knicks are currently trying to land troubled forward Ron Artest, because they're not already enough of a train wreck. Good thinking. Artest should really thrive in a quiet, sheltered environment like New York.
Kobe Bryant apologized to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak for his disparaging comments about the team. Great that they could sit down face to two-face.
Grant Hill has signed a two-year contract with the Suns. The contract will cost Phoenix $3.8 million in salary and $10 million in hospital bills.
Olympic leaders have voted to create a new Olympics for athletes aged 14-18. We have that already - it's called "the Olympics."
NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series and Red Horse team driver Aaron Fike was arrested on charges of possession of heroin. It's nice to see that NASCAR is finally trying to reach out to an urban audience. Red Horse Racing is considering changing its name to White Horse Racing.
Washington Nationals pitcher Jesus Colome has been admitted to a hospital with an infection to his right buttocks. The infection seems to stem from Colome getting it kicked too much.
And former major leaguer Jim Abbott has been inducted into the College Baseball Hall of Fame. I guess that's the sound of one hand clapping.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
In Nashville, DUI charges against former Titan QB Steve McNair have been dropped. Much like all the Titans passes.
The Carolina Panthers have signed Philippe Gardent, a former member of the French national bobsled team. Which is perfect in case the Panthers win it all, because Hell would have frozen over.
French long jumper Salim Sdiri was accidentally hit with a javelin at an athletics meet in Rome. Hey, hole in one!
In baseball, David Wells has been suspended seven games for arguing with an umpire. We're just happy Wells didn't eat him.
The New York Mets have designated 48-year-old infielder Julio Franco for assignment. To Shady Pines retirement home.
The Phillies became the first team in pro sports team to lose 10,000 games. Don't worry Raider fans, you've still got the only team to lose by 10,000 points.
Longtime major league umpire Shag Crawford has died at the age of 90. Dozens of managers assembled to kick dirt on his coffin.
Astros manager Phil Garner has said he's willing to use voodoo to get into the head of Cubs' right-hander Carlos Zambrano. Why bother? All Michael Barrett needed was his right fist.
Last weekend at the WNBA All-Star game, Nike donated $25,000 worth of merchandise to kids in DC. That's right - three pairs of shoes!
And NBA top pick Greg Oden will miss the next 3 weeks. Not because he's getting his tonsils removed, but because he's already fouled out.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Topps is producing insert cards that commemorate each one of Barry Bonds' career homers. If you put all 745 of them together, they're slightly smaller than the size of his head.
Speaking of big things, Tony Gwynn said he plans to enter the Hall of Fame like he batted: at around 330.
According to a new study, Yankee Stadium sells 30,000 hot dogs during each home game, and only half of them are to Jason Giambi.
Most of the players on the New York Mets shaved their heads. Nothing brings fans out to the park like a big group of skinheads with bats. In a related story, John Rocker is now a Mets fan.
The Brewers recently gave away two free tickets to any fan willing to undergo a free prostate exam. Management must be getting fans ready for what it will feel like when they collapse.
Update on the NHL playoffs: they're still happening. Yesterday, some team beat some other team. Even Canadians would rather watch baseball.
And the NBA has the highest ever percentage of minority executives in men's sports history. If you count Isiah Thomas as an executive.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Sammy Sosa is closing in on 600 home runs. To celebrate, he uncorked a new bat.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays played a three game series at Disney World in an attempt to increase their exposure in the Orlando area. Which makes sense, since they've always been a Mickey Mouse operation.
A recent survey of 464 Major League Baseball players named Barry Bonds the least friendly player in the game. On the positive side, it's the first time Bonds has won anything without cheating. And his approval ratings are still higher than George Bush.
The Phillies scheduled Danny DeVito to throw out a first pitch. It's the first time the mound dwarfs the man throwing off of it.
In football, Washington's Clinton Portis defended Michael Vick, saying dog fighting was not nearly as criminal as selling Redskins season tickets.
Another Cincinnati Bengal was arrested. Why should this night be different from all others?
Turning to basketball, Greg Oden wants to try out for the U.S. Olympic team this summer, assuming summer school ends in time.
Speaking of summer school, Phoenix Suns star Amare Stoudemire will take classes at Arizona State this summer. Unfortunately, the classes will not be in anger management.
And Michelle Wie is looking for another chance to make the PGA Tour. Unfortunately, her parents took away her Play Station.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Nashville Predators might be moving north now that they’ve been purchased by a Canadian businessman. It's uncertain as to whether anyone in Tennessee will actually notice. This is the biggest scam pulled on Nashville by a Canadian since Shania Twain's career.
Nike is resuming soccer ball production in Pakistan. Who better to make toys for five-year-olds than other five-year-olds?
Former NBA player Henry James has been sentenced to five years in jail after being caught dealing cocaine while his six young children were with him. Worst Bring Your Child to Work Day ever.
Memphis small forward Mike Miller is donating $1 million to help ill children. It's not as generous as you may think. Most of the children became ill after watching the Grizzlies play.
Gary Payton is leaning towards retirement. We’d prefer if he fell completely into it. Payton said he wants to spend more time at home trash talking with his children.
Dodger Stadium now has an all-you-can-eat section where fans can feast on Dodger Dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soda. The seats will attract both fat people in LA. And make the Dodgers more appealing to David Wells.
And Michael Vick is continuing to deny reports that he was at a dog fight. However, it was difficult to hear him over all of those dogs.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The University of Colorado has recently raised $125 million. The money will be used to bring the football program a higher caliber sexual assault victim.
FSN has reached an agreement to sublicense up to 10 college football games to Versus. The nation's fly fishing fans are furious. You remember Versus, don't you? It's the place where hockey went to die.
Detroit Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers is being accused of groping a stripper. Someone wants to get traded to Cincinnati.
Speaking of crime, the Sopranos series finale squashed Game Two of the NBA Finals. Viewers preferred to watch something they couldn't predict.
The Orlando Magic have signed Stan Van Gundy to coach the team. Billy Donovan applauded the club before changing his mind later on that day.
In golf news, 12-year-old Alexis Thompson qualified for the women's U.S. Open. Thompson now has as many Majors as Michelle Wie.
John Daly told authorities his wife Sherrie tried to stab him with a steak knife. Daly was thankfully able to defend himself easily while still finishing his t-bone. Thankfully Sherrie, like her husband, just missed the cut.
In other golf news, U.S. Open players are concerned about what many are calling golf's most perilous hazard: John Daly's wife.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Three-time boxing champion James Toney has tested positive for steroids. Officials became suspicious when his head couldn't fit through the ropes.
USA Today reported that 48% of Americans have played organized basketball, and the rest have played for the Knicks. The paper also reported that 1% of French athletes 11-years-old and under have already used performance enhancing drugs. The others just drink wine like they're supposed to.
Enrique Iglesias just released a new album entitled "Insomniac." If you shared a bed with Anna Kournikova, you wouldn't want to sleep much either.
Dikembe Mutombo, Edgar Martinez and Kyle Petty were inducted to Boise, Idaho's World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Most overheard comment? "You've got a funny accent."
Speaking of humanitarians, Cavs forward Ira Newble recently met with 15 Darfur refugees living in Cleveland. That's the first time anyone has ever been excited to move to Cleveland.
Washington Redskins rookie LaRon Landry was unable to practice after being shot in the groin with a paintball. Too bad he didn't get shot in a less sensitive part of his body, like his head.
The Yankees made history by signing two 19-year-old players from China's baseball association. It was mainly historical because the Yankees signed pitchers that weren't close to retirement. The Yankees were hoping to get another 38-year-old, but two 19-year-olds will do.
And speaking of young, Tampa Bay outfielder Elijah Dukes is in trouble again, this time for impregnating the 17-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. Dukes swears she looked 18 – which would make her the 18-year-old foster daughter of one of his relatives. And that's TOTALLY okay.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Jeff Gordon and his wife on their new daughter Ella. Ella will be sponsored by Dupont.
The NBA's Paul Pierce and Austin Powers star Verne Troyer got into an argument after Pierce addressed Troyer as "Mini Me." Luckily it was just a small argument, and ended shortly.
LeBron James has been appointed commissioner of The Bubblicious Ultimate Bubble Blowing League. Because no one knows more about having a bubble burst than LeBron James.
The NHL is hoping that new league wide uniforms will help boost interest in the sport. All five people watching on Versus will really appreciate the effort.
Many baseball fans are still talking about Sammy Sosa hitting his 600th career homerun. Enough already – put a cork in it. Congratulations Sammy – to think how many empty wine bottles that must have taken.
Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks suspects that two-time AL MVP Juan Gonzalez may have used steroids. Hicks also suspects that the earth may indeed orbit around the sun.
A monkey will throw out the ceremonial first pitch before an upcoming game at Fenway Park. She'll be the hairiest creature to take the mound in Boston since David Wells.
And a woman spent one million dollars on a conman pretending to be Pedro Martinez. The man was proven to be a fraud when it was discovered he could pitch.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Craig Biggio, who became the 27th major leaguer with 3,000 hits. And it only took him 3,000 seasons.
A group of New York Yankees went to visit injured Iraq war veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Because if there's anyone who knows about getting shelled, it's the New York Yankees.
Struggling Yankee reliever Scott Proctor tried to improve his fortunes by setting his equipment on fire. The Yankees are considering doing the same thing to Bobby Abreau.
In tennis, Roger Federer won his 50th straight match on grass. No one has played this well on grass since Ricky Williams.
The NFL has folded its European League after 16 years. Football fans in Estonia are crushed.
The Louisiana state legislature has voted to ban cockfighting. Looks like the Saints won't be playing the Falcons this year.
The Philadelphia Flyers have agreed to a $52 million contract with free agent forward Daniel Briere. To pay his salary, they'll be selling the franchise three times.
A couple in England gave their daughter 25 middle names, each the last name of a former boxing champion. It's the first time the birth certificate will weigh more than the baby itself. And the baby is already drooling and babbling like the best of them.
And Mike Tyson is livid that WBA Heavyweight champion Ryslan Chagaev is being called "the White Tyson" simply due to his similar physique. Chagaev apologized and promised that he'll also start eating babies.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Congratulations to Roger Federer, who tied Bjorn Borg's record of five straight Wimbledon titles without a personality.
The Knicks are currently trying to land troubled forward Ron Artest, because they're not already enough of a train wreck. Good thinking. Artest should really thrive in a quiet, sheltered environment like New York.
Kobe Bryant apologized to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak for his disparaging comments about the team. Great that they could sit down face to two-face.
Grant Hill has signed a two-year contract with the Suns. The contract will cost Phoenix $3.8 million in salary and $10 million in hospital bills.
Olympic leaders have voted to create a new Olympics for athletes aged 14-18. We have that already - it's called "the Olympics."
NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series and Red Horse team driver Aaron Fike was arrested on charges of possession of heroin. It's nice to see that NASCAR is finally trying to reach out to an urban audience. Red Horse Racing is considering changing its name to White Horse Racing.
Washington Nationals pitcher Jesus Colome has been admitted to a hospital with an infection to his right buttocks. The infection seems to stem from Colome getting it kicked too much.
And former major leaguer Jim Abbott has been inducted into the College Baseball Hall of Fame. I guess that's the sound of one hand clapping.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
In Nashville, DUI charges against former Titan QB Steve McNair have been dropped. Much like all the Titans passes.
The Carolina Panthers have signed Philippe Gardent, a former member of the French national bobsled team. Which is perfect in case the Panthers win it all, because Hell would have frozen over.
French long jumper Salim Sdiri was accidentally hit with a javelin at an athletics meet in Rome. Hey, hole in one!
In baseball, David Wells has been suspended seven games for arguing with an umpire. We're just happy Wells didn't eat him.
The New York Mets have designated 48-year-old infielder Julio Franco for assignment. To Shady Pines retirement home.
The Phillies became the first team in pro sports team to lose 10,000 games. Don't worry Raider fans, you've still got the only team to lose by 10,000 points.
Longtime major league umpire Shag Crawford has died at the age of 90. Dozens of managers assembled to kick dirt on his coffin.
Astros manager Phil Garner has said he's willing to use voodoo to get into the head of Cubs' right-hander Carlos Zambrano. Why bother? All Michael Barrett needed was his right fist.
Last weekend at the WNBA All-Star game, Nike donated $25,000 worth of merchandise to kids in DC. That's right - three pairs of shoes!
And NBA top pick Greg Oden will miss the next 3 weeks. Not because he's getting his tonsils removed, but because he's already fouled out.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
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