Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Transaction Wire

Greg Bosl and Megan Duffy declare for the NBA draft. Bosl, a junior walk-on, cited his half court shot in the March 17th Purdue game as his reason for going pro. "That just proves I can do anything. Hey, I Beat Purdue!" Duffy, a sophomore, stated that after winning the Big East's Most Improved player award, "there's really nothing left for me to do [at the college level]."
Ray Lewis and Jamaal Lewis annouce their retirement. "We decided that the NFL is a place for positive role models," Ray Lewis said. Jamaal Lewis added, "yeah, and that one time when we were in [NFL commissioner] Paul Tagliabue's office and Ray said he'd kill me if I didn't give him any crack... Well, that didn't sit too well with Commissioner Tagliabue."
Cubs sign Jesse Orosco. Dusty Baker once again proves his love for established veterans by coaxing the 47 year old reliever out of retirement. When interviewed, Orosco replied, "I'm too old!"
Yankees fire Brian Cashman. Unfortunately for Cashman, George Steinbrenner decided to make this annoucement while Cashman was still in Japan. Now, the former New York GM is stranded in a country where doesn't speak the language, and everyone keeps asking him, "Hey, aren't you that guy from CSI?"
Notre Dame football, women's basketball sell green jerseys to South Shore Railroad. "Coal prices are going up," said a spokesman for South Shore, "and we needed something to burn as fuel... to pull our trains." Coach Joe Yonto, a noted authority on locomotive propulsion, does not believe this was a good move. "I keep telling everyone that it's power that pulls the train, but no one seems to listen," Yonto said. He then stormed off mumbling something about making his wife sleep in the kitchen.
Darrell Campbell withdraws from the NFL draft. "I received an offer to voice a character on the animated series 'DragonBall Z', and I just couldn't pass it up." Rumors state that the terms of the contract included the video games SSX Tricky and NBA 2K2, his own computer so he no longer has to borrow Andy Wolkiewicz's, and an unlimited supply of snacky cakes. Sweeeet.
Gino Auriemma resigns as little league coach. It was discovered that Auriemma had fielded a team of 14 year olds, when the age limit is in fact 12. "Don't worry, I'll be back," scoffed the UConn coach while holding a baby boy who bore a striking resemblance to Diani Taurasi. Dah, who said that?
Allen Iverson sues Disney Corp., TiVo. Iverson claims that his TiVo's guide stated that 76ers-Celtics game would be shown on ABC the night of March 28. Instead, when "AI" returned home, he discovered that TiVo had in fact recorded an episode of the hit ABC drama "The Practice." Iverson, representing himself in court, gave the following opening arguments: "The Practice?! The Practice?! C'mon, man, we're not even talking about the game! We're talkin' about The Practice?!"
MTV pulls the plug on "Nick & Jessica II." The reality show, which was to follow Notre Dame juniors Nick Yonto and Jessica Beguin, was cancelled by MTV in preproduction. Kurt Loder, who runs all business activities of MTV since everyone else is so young, stupid, and irresposible, stated that "we were looking for another sterotypical dumb female, and Beguin is probably as far away from that as you can get. Plus, there's also a rule that all guys on MTV shows must be absolute tools, except for me and Snoop Dogg, of course."
ND names Charles Barkley assistant men's basketball coach. "I was talking to Coach K [Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski," Mike Brey said in an interview, "and he was talking about this great new concept called 'boxing out.' I figured Bill Laimbeer would be a great fit to help teach this, but he said he was too happy coaching women's basketball. Speaking of which, I wonder if Ruth Riley has any eligibility left..." When reached for comment, Barkley said, "I like food. A lot."
Portland Trail Blazers sign Snoop Dogg to a 10 day contract. At a press conference, Portland Head Coach Maurice Cheeks said, "He has a clean new image, we have a clean new image. It was a perfect fit." Cheeks then fielded a question about who had a funnier name, Reuben Boumtje-Boumtje or Dan Dickau.
Yankees lock up pennant by siging every player in baseball.
Notre Dame on
Bills sign DT Oliver Gibson, a '95 ND grad.
Bob Golic is nominated for the College Football Hall of Fame. It's about time.
Alan Page is named ND's 2004 commencement speaker. I should've taken a 5th year....
Cronk's "other" sibling signs with DIII Trinity baseball.
Cavs sign Mateen Cleaves to a 10 day contract. I actually was going to make fun of him until I saw him play Tuesday night. The kid doesn't have
Indians trade Ricky Gutierrez to the Mets for a PTBNL. Gutierrez is becoming Jose Offerman-esque with his range lately. So, when Kaz Matsui sits out, does Jose Reyes move to SS, or do you let Reyes stay and learn 2B and take your chances with Gutierrez at short?
Give the White Sox a "Ti"! Give them a "Mo"! Now, give the Mets pitcher Matt Ginter. There's your trade. It will be oddly amusing watching Timo Perez and Coco Crisp as dueling centerfielders in so many AL Central games this year.