Thursday, February 14, 2008

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Nolan Ryan has agreed to become the Texas Rangers' new president, making him the best pitcher in the organization.

Brian McNamee promised he can prove that Roger Clemens took steroids because he has several old syringes and bloody gauze. If true, the items will prove both Clemens' guilt and McNamee's creepiness. Thankfully, McNamee had saved them as a Valentine's Day gift for Amy Winehouse.

Pirates right-hander Tony Armas has agreed to a minor league contract with the New York Mets, because the minor leagues are a step up.

Memphis coach Marc Iavaroni defended trading Pau Gasol to the Lakers, saying it was best for the team. He's right, assuming that team is the Lakers.

Isiah Thomas is reportedly trying to trade for badly injured forward Jermaine O'Neal. Thomas' next acquisition will be Len Bias.

Mike Tyson and Junior Seau were spotted at a trendy Las Vegas restaurant recently. Seau had the filet mignon while Tyson dined on Lennox Lewis's children.

Carlos Quintana upset previously unbeaten Paul Williams for the welterweight title in Temecula, California. That's the first fight a latino had won in southern California since moments earlier in the parking lot.

The Steelers are keeping the natural grass surface at Heinz Field, so their offensive line has something to graze on.

And the NFC beat the AFC in the Pro Bowl. But with the ratings as low as they were, we could be making that up.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit