Thursday, February 21, 2008

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Chicago pitcher Ryan Dempster has predicted the Cubs will win the World Series. Major League Baseball is now testing him for drug use.

Isiah Thomas is trying to deal injured point guard Stephon Marbury. Unfortunately, the only person dumb enough to trade for Marbury is Isiah Thomas.

Steve Nash will play in a pair of Nike basketball shoes made from waste materials. Stephon Marbury should have pioneered the project, since he's been playing like garbage for years.

The Houston Rockets will unveil a monument honoring former star Hakeem Olajuwon. The statue is slightly more mobile than Shaquille O'Neal.

The British Olympic Association may supply its athletes at the Beijing Olympics with facemasks to counter both pollution and their teeth.

LSU quarterback Ryan Perrilloux was suspended "indefinitely" for undisclosed rules violations. "Indefinitely" is Cajun for "until the first game."

Florida State put itself on a two-year probation because of a massive cheating scandal. The cheating was so bad, the football team bought a diamond ring for Kobe Bryant's wife.

Veteran punter Jeff Feagles signed a two-year contract with the New York Giants. The franchise is thrilled to retain their original punter.

The Chicago Bears released Muhsin Muhammed. George Bush thanked the team for helping stamp out terrorism.

And thousands of shirts wrongly proclaiming the Patriots to be Super Bowl champs were delivered to children in Nicaragua. The kids hadn't seen shirts like that since they made them.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit