Notre Dame Football Position Preview: Quarterback

This is the first in a series of previews of this year's Fighting Irish football team.

Spotlight: Jimmy Clausen

	G	Att-Comp-Int	Yds	TD
200	13	440-268-17	3172	25

Also Returning: Evan Sharpley, Brian Castello
Lost: Nick Lezynski (position change - cornerback), Nate Montana (transfer)
Gained: Dayne Crist (DNP as freshman), Matthew Mulvey (walk-on)

It's a do-or-die year for the quarterback maker and his latest protege. Some consider Jimmy Clausen's performance against Hawaii the football version of a perfect game. But not every contest comes with a month to prepare and a poor pass defense. Clausen, despite popularity among his teammates, has yet to win over the Irish faithful. The Hawaii game may have started a turnaround, but those with longer memories recall a midseason slump by Clausen that was rash with poor decision making. (Hint: throwing the ball down the middle of the field and hoping Kyle Rudolph can outmuscle four defenders is not a good strategy.) Optimistic fans are quick to draw comparisons between the junior Clausen and Brady Quinn's breakout third season. If Clausen can repeat Quinn's success - and he has the weapons with which he can do it - fans will rally behind their blonde-haired hero and Robot Genius once again. If not, both Clausen and his head coach's time could be short in South Bend.

Evan Sharpley was drafted by the Seattle Mariners this past June, and has been tearing up the rookie leagues. Still, he was granted permission by the Mariners to return as a veteran backup to this year's Notre Dame squad. However, if all goes to plan - that is, if no one gets injured and Clausen doesn't give any reasons to be benched - Sharpley won't see any action until Senior Day. That's because Clausen's incumbent Dayne Crist is scheduled to get all the garbage minutes at quarterback. Hopefully, all of those minutes will be played with the Irish on the plus side of the scoreboard.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Carlos Pena, Joe Mauer, and Albert Pujols had a three-way tie in the first round of the Home Run Derby. Pujols eventually won when he hit more homeruns than the Mets.

The Washington Nationals have fired manager Manny Acta. Owners plan to secretly replace him with decaffeinated Folgers crystals and see if anyone notices the difference.

Houston Rockets guard Tracy McGrady plans to change his uniform number to three. The number represents both his "3 points Darfur" initiative as well as the number of times he expects be on the injured reserve next season.

UFC President Dana White told reporters that the UFC will eventually be bigger than the NFL. Defense attorneys are looking forward to the increased business.

And Brett Favre threw passes to a high school team. No word yet on why he was training with the Lions.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The WNBA has started selling seats for as low as $10. I am woman, hear me plead.

The Pirates are interested in trading All-Star second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for left-handed starter Jonathan Sanchez. The trade is particularly appealing to Pittsburgh since they can save money by not printing new jerseys.

Pedro Martinez could play for Philadelphia. Yes, the Sixers are that desperate.

Knicks center Eddy Curry has lost 30 pounds. Just 20 more and he can safely ride on an elevator.

And Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are still an item. It works because Hudson loves Rodriguez, and so does he.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Blake Griffin had 27 points and 12 rebounds in his first game at the NBA's Summer League. It's nice to know that at least one person will be leaving Las Vegas feeling better about themselves.

The Washington Nationals have appointed bench coach Jim Riggleman as the team's new interim manager because he picked the shortest straw.

The Chicago Cubs are considering filing for bankruptcy. It might be one title they can actually win.

Lance Armstrong is on the verge of winning his eighth Tour de France. If this continues much longer, he'll be winning it with his left blinker on.

And a new survey among MLB insiders has found that Alex Rodriquez is no longer considered the top player in the game. Clearly they didn't ask Alex Rodriguez.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

New Washington Nationals manager Jim Riggleman has held his first team meeting, ran his first practice and presided over his first news conference. All that remains now is to lose his first game.

Bud Selig is still examining Pete Rose's application for reinstatement. So whoever took August in the pool is in good shape.

Lance Armstrong is on the verge of winning the Tour De France for the 8th time. Just in case the French don t hate us enough.

The Baltimore Ravens gave Terrell Suggs the most lucrative contract ever for a linebacker. Ray Lewis said he'd even more proud of Suggs if he did all that AND watched his friends kill somebody.

And Brett Favre said he plans to make his final decision about returning to the NFL by July 30. Of 2007.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Yao Ming has signed an agreement to bail out the Chinese Basketball League's Shanghai Sharks. The team began facing trouble after some of the players were found to contain lead paint.

Derek Jeter is in the process of building the largest home in Tampa Bay. The estate will have 300 bedrooms in case all of his girlfriends show up at once.

Michael Vick admitted that the road back to the NFL will be a long one. "Ditto," said all of Detroit.

Major League Baseball nixed a New York Yankees signing after the player turned out to be under 16-years-old. They became suspicious when the player was asked his age, and responded by saying, "this many."

And Jamie Moyer pitched a one-hitter against the Florida Marlins. It's amazing considering Moyer was a rookie when Florida became a state.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Padres second baseman Edgar Gonzalez was hospitalized after being hit in the head by a 93 mph pitch. Gonzalez is hitting just .190 this season, but his head is one for one.

Richard Jefferson recently told reporters that 80 percent of all pro athletes get divorced. The other 20 percent must be better at cheating.

81-year-old Hershel McGriff recently became the oldest driver to compete in a NASCAR race. He didn't mean to - he just drove onto the track accidentally.

Lou Piniella recently had a five minute meeting with President Barack Obama. It was actually supposed to be a ten minute meeting until Piniella began bumping him in the chest and kicking dirt.

And Lance Armstrong conceded he can not beat teammate Alberto Contador in the Tour de France. That's a ballsy thing to admit. Or in Armstrong's case, "bally."

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Minnesota Timberwolves are expected to choose a head coach soon. At least 30 qualified candidates are hoping it won't be them.

Ricky Henderson was thrilled about his induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. That's a direct quote from Rickey Henderson.

Pittsburgh State football player Joe Windscheffel will miss the upcoming season after being attacked by a zebra. The attack left him injured and terrified of referees.

Phil Mickelson has put in a bid to buy 105 Waffle Houses. He hopes to turn a profit on John Daly.

And Kansas City outfielder Jose Guillen sustained a torn knee ligament while trying to put on a shin guard. The New York Mets have already made an offer.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Kansas City Royals starter Luke Hochevar fanned 13. I'm sorry, that should read, "The Kansas City Royals have 13 fans."

A Japanese firm has developed a robot that can throw and hit. It's also got more depth than Alex Rodriguez.

Manhattan's district attorney wants Plaxico Burress to serve up to two years in prison. So he's clearly a Jets fan.

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated immediately by the NFL, and said any extension of his suspension would be similar to "kicking a dead horse." Nice that Vick has moved onto other animals.

And New York Met Gary Sheffield was added to the DL. Mainly because he misses his teammates.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Kurt Rambis is a finalist for the Timberwolves' head coaching vacancy. Whether he likes it or not.

Barry Bonds received a warm ovation recently at AT&T Park. The only people upset were the hundreds of fans who couldn't see over his head.

Stephon Marbury webcast, crying with his shirt off and eating Vaseline right out of a jar. So things are going better for him.

Barack Obama has said that his daughters are inspired by the WNBA. The only thing the WNBA inspires us to do is change the channel.

And Kevin Federline is convinced that his two sons will grow up to be sports stars. With the parents they have, they'll be lucky to grow up at all.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Big news: Brett Favre finally made the decision to stay retired. This week.

Stephon Marbury said he recently saw Jesus in his shower. Apparently, Jesus appeared to tell Marbury he's insane.

Jessica Simpson plans to release a new fragrance inspired by Tony Romo. It's called, "disappointment."

Yankees pitcher Chien-ming Wang is scheduled to undergo season-ending surgery on his right shoulder. As every man knows, there's nothing worse than having a useless Wang.

And Reggie Bush broke up with Kim Kardashian due to her constant need to be in the spotlight. At least that's what she said at her press conference.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Weekly Cleveland Indians Lineup Analysis

Well, it hasn't exactly been weekly this season, but let's hope it is from here on out. To recap, we take the top 9 Indians in terms of OPS and feed them into Dave Pinto's Lineup Analysis Tool to determine the theoretical ideal batting lineup.

This Week's Results
Click Here

This Week's Ideal Lineup
Choo
Martinez
Cabrera
Hafner
Garko
Sizemore
Francisco
Peralta
Carroll

Theoretical Runs Per Game
5.297

Theoretical Improvement
The Indians are currently scoring 4.938 runs per game, which isn't too bad in its own right. The ideal lineup is an improvement of 0.360 runs per game, or 58 runs over the course of a season. That may not seem like much, but using the old sabermetric standby that 10 runs = 1 win, that's another 5-6 victories for the Tribe. Of course, they'd still be 7 games back in the division.

Defensive Plausibility
Well, it's pretty much the same nine guys Cleveland trots out for every other game, so there are no problems here.

Fan Believability
It's hard to argue batting Hafner, Garko, Francisco, Peralta, and Carroll where they are. Choo's pretty realistic too, since he gets on base and runs relatively well (for this team). But even in the midsts of a down season, fans would riot at Grady Sizemore hitting sixth. In addition, no coach on the hot seat would bat Victor Martinez second but Asdrubal Cabrera third.

My Take
It's been a while since I've done a lineup analysis. So I'm happy how this turned out, because it gives me another chance to demonstrate how the lineup tool "envisions" each spot in the batting order. As with a traditional lineup, the best on-base guy bats leadoff and the biggest masher hits cleanup. Shin-Soo Choo leads the team in on base percentage, while Travis Hafner leads the team in slugging.

The number two hitter is supposed to be your best all-around hitter - good in both OBP and SLG, but one isn't drastically higher than the other. Check that one off with Victor Martinez. The number five guy is your second-best all-around hitter. To Nino's delight, I'm sure, that's Ryan Garko.

What's interesting is the number three spot. Contrary to popular thought, this model normally puts a bad hitter there, just for lack of a better spot, and with the intent to space out the out-makers. But Asdrubal Cabrera is fifth on the team in OPS, so I'm not sure why he was placed there.

Your number nine guy isn't necessarily a good hitter, but it should be someone who can get on base. That's Jamey Carroll in a nutshell. The rest of the lineup, spots six through eight, are whoever's left in descending order of ability.

Random Indians Thought of the Week
This week I have two thoughts, and they're not so random because they still pertain to this lineup analysis.

It's a small sample of only 20 at bats, but Josh Barfield is actually third on the team in OPS this year. I'll leave a lineup analysis that includes him as an exercise for the reader.

Also, coming into Thursday's game against the Blue Jays, Chris Gimenez had a higher OPS than Jhonny Peralta on the year, meaning I would have used Gimenez instead of Peralta in this week's analysis. Interestingly, both Barfield and Gimenez could replace Peralta at third to keep the lineup defensively plausible.

As it stands, Peralta, Gimenez, and Kelly Shoppach are all in a very close race for the ninth-best OPS on the team. In a year like this, I'm actually curious to see how Shoppach would fare at the hot corner.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Brett Favre is currently working out with a high school team in Mississippi. We recommend the Detroit Lions do the same.

Former Boston infielder Lou Merloni recently told reporters that the Red Sox taught players how to use steroids. Judging by his 14 career home runs, Merloni must have a learning disability.

Former world cycling champion Tom Boonen has been fined by his team after testing positive for cocaine. Officials first became suspicious after noticing Boonen passing cars on the highway. On foot.

New York Yankee officials are keeping an eye on the effects of wind in regards to homerun totals at the stadium. They've already tried to reduce it by making sure the turn styles aren't spinning.

And P.J. Carlesimo has announced he wants to coach in the NBA next season. He should coach the Detroit Pistons, since they choke, too.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Lakers beat the Rockets by 40 points. It was so embarrassing, Ron Artest elbowed himself in the throat.

The odds of Ryan Zimmerman extending his hitting streak to 56 games are 0.09 percent. Sadly, that's still 0.06 percent higher than Washington's winning percentage. Forget Zimmerman's streak - we're just impressed the Nationals have gotten a hit in every game.

Brett Favre has reportedly been sending x-rays to the Minnesota Vikings. It seems like an unnecessary gesture since everyone can already see right through him.

And Boston Celtics forward Glen Davis has apologized for bumping a 12-year-old boy while celebrating his game-winning shot against the Magic. The kid is just lucky he didn't eat him.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Lakers beat the Rockets by 40 points. It was so embarrassing, Ron Artest elbowed himself in the throat.

The odds of Ryan Zimmerman extending his hitting streak to 56 games are 0.09 percent. Sadly, that's still 0.06 percent higher than Washington's winning percentage. Forget Zimmerman's streak - we're just impressed the Nationals have gotten a hit in every game.

Brett Favre has reportedly been sending x-rays to the Minnesota Vikings. It seems like an unnecessary gesture since everyone can already see right through him.

And Boston Celtics forward Glen Davis has apologized for bumping a 12-year-old boy while celebrating his game-winning shot against the Magic. The kid is just lucky he didn't eat him.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Los Angeles Sparks star Candace Parker has given birth to a baby girl. In related news, the WNBA's fan base just doubled.

The Lingerie Football League is holding tryouts this week in Miami. Coach Marv Albert is optimistic about his team's chances. We suggest Brett Favre play. Then he'll be as exposed as Green Bay was last season.

The NFL is considering playing a second game in Europe in 2010. It's the first step in their plan to strand the Lions in Spain.

And Mike Tyson has admitted to wanting to kill Brad Pitt back in the early 1990s because he was dating Tyson's ex, Robin Givens. Though we are talking about Robin Givens - after two weeks, Brad Pitt probably wanted to kill himself.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Stephen Curry has said that playing for the Knicks would be a dream come true. Funny, we've had the same nightmare.

Chad Johnson received some good news and some bad news today. The good news is the NFL has agreed to allow him to have the name Ochocinco on the back of his jersey. The bad news is the front of the jersey will still feature the name Bengals.

David Stern has asked Mark Cuban to apologize more directly to Kenyon Martin's mother. And anyone else who has ever wasted their time on his blog.

Ex-Yankee slugger Jim Leyritz recently threatened to commit suicide. The Yankees organization reached out to Leyritz, and asked him if he wanted to pay to kill himself with a brick from the old stadium.

And the Minnesota Timberwolves are interested in bringing back Kevin McHale. After all, he IS the team's second best forward.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Jerry Bruckheimer is interested in buying the Sacramento Kings. Luckily his experience directing Pearl Harbor has prepared him well for epic disasters.

A suspicious substance was found in the corner of boxer Edison Miranda, following his loss to Andre Ward. Judging by Miranda's performance, the substance was definitely not speed.

Developer Bruce Ratner says he is ready to break ground on a Brooklyn arena for the New Jersey Nets. While he's at it he might also want to take a jackhammer to the team's roster.

Tony Romo was recently spotted leaving a steakhouse in Dallas carrying a bottle of 21-year-old single malt Scotch. We hope the Scotch has aged better than Jessica Simpson.

And Terrell Owens practiced with the Buffalo Bills for the first time. Owens is confident, in good health, and right on schedule for his June meltdown.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Jets owner Woody Johnson is getting his own TV show, tentatively titled "The Second Biggest Loser."

The Washington Nationals made four errors in a loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates. Five if you count showing up for the game. While four errors is pretty awful, it's nothing compared to the 14,549 people who committed the error of buying tickets.

Former NBA forward Brian Grant has revealed that he has Parkinson's disease. The Lakers immediately canceled plans for their bobblehead night.

And Michelle Wie has said she'd like to win the Masters. We suggest she set her sights on something more realistic, like curing cancer.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Mets slugger Carlos Delgado is out ten weeks after hip surgery. It was only supposed to be six weeks, but team doctors are also committed to underachievement.

The L.A. Clippers won the NBA draft lottery in an upset. And no one was more upset than Blake Griffin. Congratulations to the Clippers on the win. Making the last time this year you'll hear the words "Clippers" and "win" in the same sentence.

New Orleans will host the 2013 Super Bowl. In other news, the Girls Gone Wild camera crew is now working secretly for Bill Belichick.

And Red Sox slugger David Ortiz is in the biggest homerun slump of his career. He's still had plenty of Grand Slams, but only at Denny's.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Ricky Rubio is reportedly not interested in competing in Memphis. Which is perfect, since the Grizzlies havent competed in years.

Blake Griffin believes he can turn the Clippers into winners. Just after he turns water into wine.

If the NFL re-instates Michael Vick, his new team can expect hordes of protesters. But since that means people coming to the stadium, Detroit is very interested.

NASCAR fined crew chief Charles Swing a record $200,000. Or in NASCAR fan terminology, several Waffle House franchises.

And Red Sox star David Ortiz finally hit a homerun. It's his first four-bagger this year that didn't include a trip to a Wendy's.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Notre Dame omitted the losing seasons from Charlie Weis' year-by-year biography in their latest football media guide. What a great way to save paper.

The Washington Nationals accidentally sprayed fans with mangled meat chunks when they tried firing sausages wrapped in t-shirts from a small cannon. Other than that it's been a dream season.

Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a grand jury on drug and burglary charges. Congratulations, Ryan, that's the best thing you've done in the last ten years.

Marcus Camby has said he wants to remain a Clipper for life. Which is a great foundation in case he ever wants to plead insanity.

And John Daly wore pink pants in honor of the cancer battle being fought by Amy Mickelson. Luckily he had pink pants, since he recently spilled a daiquiri on his white pants.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Ricky Rubio has openly insulted Oklahoma City. He must know more about America than we thought.

The Los Angeles Clippers are entertaining offers for the No. 1 pick. Which is the only way the Clippers could possibly be entertaining.

Los Angeles Laker Andrew Bynum is reportedly furious that he isnt getting more playing time. It's nice to hear he isn't hung up on trivial matters like winning.

Mark Cuban is headed for court shortly to defend himself against charges of insider trading. Anyone who trades for Jason Kidd and Ryan Hollins is definitely not receiving insider information.

And the struggling Florida Marlins are reportedly open to making substantive changes. Their first change is to stop playing baseball.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Buffalo News said that Buffalo is the best city for baseball fans. And nothing else.

John Daly's six-month suspension on the PGA Tour is finally over. We'll give you one guess as to how he celebrated.

The Washington Nationals recently misspelled Teddy Roosevelt's name on thousands of bobbleheads of the former U.S. President. Given their recent struggles, you can't blame them for wanting to re-write history.

The Los Angeles Lakers are headed back home after falling 120-101 to the Nuggets. Kobe Bryant hasn't been this excited to leave Colorado since, well, you know when.

And the Boston Red Sox actually decided to sit the slumping David Ortiz. Just after they buy a bigger bench.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

More and more New York Mets are getting hurt. Like their fans in September.

The Phoenix Suns and Philadelphia Sixers will play a preseason game in Mexico. The game was originally going to feature the Kings and Clippers, but Mexican officials didn't want anyone else getting sick.

Shaquille O'Neal has challenged Lance Armstrong in a bike race. Shaq plans on carrying his.

The Minnesota Timberwolves Rashad McCants has been busted for cheating on Khloe Kardashian after her sister Kim hacked into his voicemail and heard several messages from groupies. What's more surprising, that Kim Kardashian is technologically savvy or that Rashad McCants has fans?

And Mr. T recently threw out the first pitch at a Chicago Cubs game. In related news, the Chicago Cubs have officially run out of celebrities.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Buffalo Bills cornerback Terrence McGee hurt his arm while covering Terrell Owens. McGee got mixed up when T.O. went one way and his ego went the other.

Randy Johnson picked up win number 299 with a 6-3 victory over the Atlanta Braves. Johnson is now just one victory away from becoming the ugliest 300-game-winner in Major League history.

The Detroit Red Wings are back in the Stanley Cup Finals. When asked what they thought of being in the Super Bowl of hockey, all of Detroit responded, "What's the Super Bowl?"

Dirk Nowitzki's ex-girlfriend is allegedly pregnant with his child. You can actually tell it's his because it flopped during the ultrasound.

And Cleveland owner Larry Dolan has been hospitalized following a mild heart attack. It was only a matter of time before he finally realized he owned the Indians.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

NCAA Baseball Regional Previews

It's almost Omaha time again! No, Notre Dame (and Cleveland State) didn't make it into the field of 64 this year. But for more information on the teams that did, be sure to check out The College Baseball Blog's regional previews. Brian et al. broke down each regional in fantastic detail. That's why TCBB is the top in its niche, my friends.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

North Carolina guard Ty Lawson reportedly won $250 at a Detroit casino. Sadly, that makes him the fifth richest person in the city.

Jay Cutler has been dealt to the Chicago Bears. In case he didnt have enough to complain about.

Boston College defensive tackle B.J. Raji reportedly failed a drug test at the NFL combine. And no one was more interested than the Bengals.

Allen Iverson will miss the rest of the NBA season because of a sore back. Which he hurt while carrying his sore ego.

And the New York Knicks has been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Until 2012.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

According to a Los Angeles insurance company, at least 350 pets in the city have been named after Kobe Bryant. Or Kobe beef, one of the two.

The Detroit Lions introduced a new logo, and then promptly lost to it.

The New York Mets have decided to remove Doc Gooden's autograph from the wall of a member's only section at Citi Field and put it in a more public area. Based on Gooden's personal history, they might want to put in on top of a bathroom mirror.

Chris Webber recently bet Charles Barkley $5,000 that he couldn't eat a slice of white bread in 25 seconds or less. Good to see Barkley is working on that gambling problem.

And Rihanna is reportedly dating Los Angeles Clippers point guard Baron Davis. Perfect. He's on the Clippers, so he doesn't beat anybody.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Celtics big man Leon Powe is expected to join Kevin Garnett and Brian Scalabrine on the sidelines for the rest of the playoffs. With all those injuries, the "rest of the playoffs" might be three games.

The Red Sox Jed Lowrie had surgery, and Rocco Baltelli was put on the 15 day DL. This moves the Sox closer to the Celtics in the "All New England Injury Competition."

Pittsburgh catcher Ryan Doumit is expected to miss two months after breaking his wrist. Unfortunately, he'll have to spend it watching Pirates games.

And Houston center Dikembe Mutombo is likely done playing professionally after injuring his knee. It's always such a shame to see a player cut down before his prime. The injury was further aggravated when he tripped over his AARP card.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Los Angeles has lowered the price of beer at Dodgers Stadium by a full two dollars. In related news, John Daly is now a Dodger fan.

Amid their sluggish start, the Nationals are trying to stay positive - by imagining how great their scores would be if they were playing golf.

The Yankees said they aren't too concerned about the high number of homeruns being hit in their new ballpark. Especially if they find a way to charge fans extra for the souvenirs.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has said he doesn't believe in Twitter or MySpace. Similarly, many of his fans don't believe in the Big Bang or evolution.

And according to Forbes Magazine, a third of Major League Baseball teams declined in value over the past year. Some of them are so worthless, they're now in the WNBA.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Bud Selig is expected to meet with the New York Yankees to discuss their ticket prices. Because he can no longer afford to go to games.

Dikembe Mutumbo has become the first two-time winner of the NBA's citizenship award. He won the award this year, and also in 1947.

The Jacksonville Jaguars have introduced new team uniforms. Losing has never looked so good.

The United States squeaked out a tight 4-2 victory over Latvia at the ice hockey world championships. The game was closer than many expected, since the Americans were the only ones that could afford skates.

And the Detroit Pistons didnt win a single game in their series with the Cavaliers. Because they didnt want to make the Lions jealous.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Stephen Curry believes he could be picked as high as sixth in the upcoming NBA draft. And that's why Stephen Curry is not a general manager.

Johnny Damon is reportedly upset with Joe Torre's book. It was only a matter of time before someone finally read it to him.

The Golden State Warriors are reportedly in the market for a point guard... and a shooting guard... and a small forward... and a power forward. And maybe a center.

The NFL is considering airing the first round of the 2010 draft in primetime. With any luck, the 2009 draft will be over by then.

And the Hornets are interested in trading with the Pistons for Richard Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince. Unfortunately for New Orleans, Detroit is insisting they also take GM and Chrysler.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

There are rumors that Barry Bonds could bat DH in Kansas City. The D in DH apparently stands for "Desperate."

Royals ace Zack Greinke is 4-0 with a 0.00 ERA. The only thing lower than Greinke's ERA is the Royals chance at the playoffs.

The NBA has fined Houston's Rick Adelman, Portland's Nate McMillan and Boston's Doc Rivers for publicly criticizing referees during the NBA playoffs. The fines fit in with the NBA's new slogan: "I love this game! Because I'm told I have to."

The football coaches at Texas A & M and Texas Tech are in a war of words. Thankfully it's Texas, so they'll run out of words pretty quickly.

And USC coach Pete Carroll said that quarterback Mark Sanchez is not yet ready for the NFL. That's perfect, since he was drafted by the Jets.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Patrick Ewing is reportedly generating very little interest among teams looking for a new head coach. A number of teams, however, are interested in hiring Ewing as a mascot.

A new book suggests A-Rod used steroids as a teenager. The main signs were his acne and mood swings.

HBO has announced it will follow the Cincinnati Bengals for the upcoming season of Hard Knocks. The program is the third primetime show to feature the Bengals, following Cops and America's Most Wanted.

After a first round upset, the San Jose Sharks GM has said summer will be "tough and painful." Like living in Oakland.

And Brett Favre said he is done playing professional football. So he might still sign with the Lions.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The United States Postal Service has decided to give Dodger Stadium its very own zip code. Ditto for Prince Fielder.

The Dallas Cowboys' practice bubble collapsed following a major windstorm. The timing of the incident is surprising since the team's bubble usually doesn't burst until the playoffs.

Buffalo Bills safety Donte Whitner posted his phone number on his personal website so fans can call him at any time of the day. You know, its moves like this that almost take the fun out of stalking. Almost.

Sixers head coach Tony DiLeo says he's uncertain about his future. Not his future as a coach, but whether or not Philadelphia fans will let him live.

And New York Rangers coach John Tortorella has apologized for embarrassing the organization by throwing a water bottle at a fan. If Tortorella were a real Ranger, he'd have missed by much wider.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

One NFL source insists Brett Favre can't peacefully retire until he finds a way to get revenge on the Packers. Given his performance in the second half of last season, the best revenge would be playing for them.

The woeful Sacramento Kings are interesting in targeting Hornets coach Byron Scott. To be their new shooting guard.

Evander Holyfield recently caught a screening of Mike Tyson's new documentary. The former heavyweight champ reportedly enjoyed the flick, although he did complain he could only hear half of it.

The Los Angeles Dodgers are off to their best home start in franchise history. Major League Baseball has begun investigating the performance-enhancing qualities of Dodger Dogs.

And the Washington Nationals are expected to select San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg with the No. 1 pick in next month's draft. One problem addressed, 24 more to go.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Manny Pacquiao destroyed Ricky Hatton over the weekend, knocking him out in less than two rounds. The last time an Englishman was that embarrassed, we gained independence.

Rasheed Wallace has said he plans to retire unless he gets $8 million next year. So Rasheed Wallace plans to retire.

Jessica Simpson said she sent mass e-mails before Cowboys games last season asking friends to pray for Tony Romo's protection. The emails worked so well, Romo got to go home a month early.

Ken Griffey Jr. was held out of the Seattle's lineup due to a flare-up of diverticulitis. If Griffey were any unhealthier, he'd be Michael Moore.

And a woman has been charged with stalking Eagles backup quarterback A.J. Feeley. Clearly, she'll be pleading insanity.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Brett Favre has told friends that he plans to play for the Vikings. Given the way Favre burned the Packers and the Jets, we thought he already WAS a Viking.

After his son suffered a terrible beating by Manny Pacquiao, Ricky Hatton's father said Hatton is in "no rush" to think about his future. Or his name, where he is right now, or how to chew solid food.

Some Red Sox fans had brooms confiscated by security after Boston swept New York at Yankee Stadium. Security plans to use the brooms as seat fillers for the next homestand.

And former Pistons great Dave Bing was elected mayor of Detroit. On purpose! The newly elected mayor plans to clean up the town. By getting rid of the Lions.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The New Orleans Saints released two players for exposing themselves. The good news is the players got to keep the beads.

Yankees catcher Jorge Posada has been placed on the disabled list. Posada injured his hamstring while dodging questions about Alex Rodriguez.

Agent Scott Boras has said that he would like to see major changes to the World Series. The first change we'd recommend is that Scott Boras isn't allowed anywhere near the World Series.

A British soccer fan hung himself after his team lost to Manchester United. We hope Detroit Lions fans are not paying attention.

And a man who robbed Antoine Walker at gunpoint has been sentenced to 21 years in prison. No word on the sentence Walker will receive for robbing Boston, Dallas, Atlanta, Miami, and Minnesota.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Hawks are proving to be no match for the Cleveland Cavaliers. The only part of Atlanta that's not snarled with traffic is the street going to Philips Arena.

The New York Mets are on a hot streak. Which makes sense, because it's not October.

The owner of the Dodgers asked Manny Ramirez to address the team. After first explaining to Ramirez that baseball is a team sport.

The Red Sox were overwhelmed by the Tampa Rays at Fenway yet again. Boston is so afraid of the Rays, Paul Revere will warn the city when they return.

And to raise awareness for breast cancer, Major League Baseball used pink bats on Mother's Day. To raise for awareness for steroids, they used tiny, shriveled balls.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The NHL may be creating a new contest to energize its fans. The first fan that can actually locate a channel airing an NHL playoff game wins.

Mark Cuban allegedly told Kenyon Martin's mom that her son is a punk. Martin's mother retaliated by reminding him that he's the owner of the Mavericks.

For those of you keeping track of the "Manny" sweepstakes, the final tally is: Pacquiao good, Ramirez bad.

John Daly finished six shots back at the Italian Open. Just before he threw six shots back at the clubhouse.

And since Lane Kiffin became coach at the University of Tennessee, 11 players have left the team. It is such a mass exodus, the Vols are now calling the football team "math class."

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

(Mostly Baseball-Related) Link Dump

• I posted the Peralta graph from my previous post on Let's Go Tribe. They asked me to do some follow-up work, and I happily obliged.


• The College Baseball Blog got a first-hand look at the kid named Strasburg.


• Maury at the Business of Sports Network wants you to spread the word about autism.

Jhonny Peralta: Cold Like the Weather

From Andy Castrovince's latest mailbag:

I'd be interested to see Jhonny Peralta's batting average in warm weather vs. cold weather. He was red hot down in Arizona this spring, but now he seems ice cold, much like the first six weeks of last season. Great Odin's raven, am I on to something here?
-- Tim R., San Diego

I'd love to help you find those numbers, but, much like the translation of the name for your hometown, scholars maintain that the ability to calculate such statistics was lost hundreds of years ago.

Actually, I asked hitting coach Derek Shelton and media relations director Bart Swain if they've ever heard of such a stat, and neither has. You'd really have to be the obsessive-compulsive type (even by baseball statistician standards) to calculate those numbers, especially when you consider the temperature at first pitch can take a drastic dip by the last pitch.

Well, when it comes to the Indians (and especially Peralta, apparently), I am that obsessive-compulsive baseball statistician. After reading the question, I immediately thought, "I bet Retrosheet tracks weather information. Sure enough, they do.

If you want me to bore you with the details, email me. Otherwise, let's skip to the pretty picture:



The short explanation is that I took Peralta's batting average (hits/at bats, obviously) for each gametime temperature reading. As you can see, there is an upward trend. Thoughts:

• There's no context. Maybe all, or at least most, hitters follow the same trend. That would make this "revelation" meaningless.


• Correlation is not causation. It's warm at midseason, when hitters are thought to be at their best, and when the ball is said to travel better. It's cold at the beginning of the season, when hitters aren't yet in "midseason form", and at the end, when fatigue starts to set in. So, again, maybe this is a trend for everyone and not just Jhonny.


• I'd be interested to see weather-related trends for other statistics, starting with BABIP and OPS, and perhaps moving onto the more advanced stuff.

Weekly Cleveland Indians Lineup Analysis

Back again for its second season, this is the weekly series where I plan take the top 9 Indians in terms of OPS and feed them into Dave Pinto's Lineup Analysis Tool to determine the theoretical ideal batting lineup.

This Week's Results
Click Here

This Week's Ideal Lineup
Cabrera
Martinez
Garko
Hafner
Choo
Sizemore
Shoppach
Francisco
Peralta

Theoretical Runs Per Game
A whopping 6.524.

Theoretical Improvement
The Indians are currently scoring 5.368 runs per game, which is impressive in its own right. But the ideal lineup is an improvement of 1.156 runs per game, or 187 runs over the course of a season. That's an additional 18-19 runs.

Defensive Plausibility
This team isn't too bad defensively, except it lacks a third baseman. The best candidate appears to be Travis Hafner, who played 29 minor league games at the hot corner.

Fan Believability
Defensively, there's the issue with third base. Offensively, the lineup is very believable outside of Grady Sizemore getting bumped down to sixth. You might not readily think of Asdrubal Cabrera as a leadoff hitter and Jhonny Peralta as a ninth-place hitter, but of late the former has been surging and the latter has been struggling.

My Take
This again is a good example of how the lineup tool is supposed to work. The best overall hitter - in this case, Victor Martinez - is batting second, and the next best overall hitter (Shin-Soo Choo) is fifth. The top OBP guy is hitting leadoff. Believe it or not, that's Asdrubal Cabrera, who was recently promoted to the number two spot in the lineup in real life.

Random Indians Thought of the Week
Don't judge Cliff Lee by his win total this season. He has more than a few things working against him. Not only is he due for some regression, but he also has people gunning for him as the reigning Cy Young Winner. Plus, he'll be facing other teams' aces this year, whereas last year he was facing other teams' fifth starters. That means last year's 5-2 wins are this year's 2-1 losses. Oh, and he got "lucky" by facing an inordinate number of bad teams last year.

If anyone for the Indians can repeat Cliff Lee's performance this year, it's Aaron Laffey. Not only is Laffey off to a hot start, but he's also "pulling a Cliff Lee" by facing fourth and fifth starters, and so far facing poorer teams. (Two of his three starts this year have been against the Royals.)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Boston Red Sox believe Fenway Park should last for another 40 to 50 years. It's nice to know the stadium will still be around for Tim Wakefield's final season.

A pair of filmmakers just completed a documentary about Len Bias. The movie starts out promising but ends abruptly after just five minutes.

The Kansas City Royals had to cancel their season opener due to snow. The Royals didn't have to give anyone their money back since they hadn't yet sold any tickets.

Former QB Jeff George is reportedly trying to figure out how to get back in the NFL. At this stage in his career he might want to try buying a ticket.

And Oklahoma's Courtney Paris promised to give back her scholarship money because they didn't win a national title in women's basketball. But her lawyer said she's not obliged, because nobody cares.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Yankee star C.C. Sabathia admitted that he didn't look very good in the season opener. He also doesn't look good in a bathing suit.

Michael Jordan has been elected into the Basketball Hall of Fame. Probably not as a general manager.

Former President George W. Bush threw out the first pitch before the Texas Rangers' home opener. The Rangers went on to win the game, even though they had fewer runs.

Manu Ginobili is out for the rest of the season and the playoffs with a stress fracture. The veteran guard is believed to have injured his foot while doing the Dance of Joy with Cousin Larry.

And rowdy basketball fans ransacked the Motor City following Michigan State's loss to North Carolina. Or maybe Detroit just looks like that.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Jaguars receiver Reggie Williams was tasered by police in Houston. It was such an intense shock, Williams said it felt like Jacksonville made the playoffs.

Ricky Rubio's family is reportedly in favor of him entering the NBA draft this year. Ricky Rubio's family is also in favor of him staying in the draft til after the Kings have picked.

Renovations to Wrigley Field have been temporarily stalled. The Cubs plan on resuming work in October, once it's vacant.

Clippers forward Zach Randolph was arrested for DUI. Randolph was obviously drunk, because he was happy about being on the Clippers.

And Boston's Fenway Park is predicted to sell more hot dogs than any other stadium in the majors this season. Mostly to David Ortiz.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The San Diego Padres are now offering fans a special hot dog wrapped in bacon, stuffed with onions, tomatoes, and pinto beans, and served on a potato bun smothered in mayonnaise and jalapeno sauce. It's the perfect snack for fans who love hot dogs but don't want to live to see the seventh inning.

The Columbus Blue Jackets are going to the playoffs for the first time in franchise history. And no one is happier than the team's fan.

In the wake of his recent arrest video in which he trashed New York, Joba Chamberlain said that he loves the Big Apple. But he was drunk when he said it.

Yankee fans are wondering if it's too early to start worrying. Not about the season, but about saving enough to afford a seat at the new stadium.

And Seattle Mariners star Ichiro Suzuki has an ulcer. Doctors say he developed it over years of playing for the Mariners.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Atlanta Dream selected Angel McCoughtry with the first pick in the WNBA draft, thereby marking the last time her name will ever again appear in a national sports broadcast.

St. Louis ace Chris Carpenter threw a one-hitter in a dazzling start against Pittsburgh. And just like that, the Pirates have used up all of their hits for the season.

Darko Milicic has said he would like to play in Greece... or anywhere else fans don't know he was drafted ahead of Carmelo Anthony and Dwayne Wade.

Boston University staged a miracle rally by scoring two goals in the final minute to win the NCAA Hockey Championship. Of course, the real miracle is that we're even discussing college hockey.

And Barack Obama has declined an invitation to throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Washington Nationals' home opener, because he didn't want to show up their pitching staff.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Linebacker Zach Thomas will now play for the Chiefs. Because he wanted to retire early.

Dwyane Wade scored 55 points against the Knicks. He later apologized for such a poor performance.

The Florida Marlins took two of three games from the Mets. The Mets haven't been this disappointed since very recently.

Chicago is excited about having Jay Cutler quarterback the Bears. Because they were running out of Rex Grossman effigies.

And Yao Ming has been cleared to play. But he's so weak as a Rocket, fans now think he's from North Korea.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The U.S. Women's Hockey team beat Canada to win its second consecutive World Hockey Championship title. In related news, it's been a very, very slow day in the world of sports.

Florida International University is close to striking a deal with Isiah Thomas. We're guessing Thomas has put together a fantastic intramural team.

Ichiro Suzuki said he's excited to rejoin the Seattle Mariners. Which is conclusive proof that a stomach ulcer can impair your judgment.

In boxing, Paul Williams donminated Winky Wright this weekend. Williams is a fighter so intimidating, he is avoided by most opponents, while Wright is a fighter so boring, he is avoided by most fans.

And colorful Tigers hurler Mark Fidrych has passed away at the age of 54. Sadly, baseballs around America now have no one to talk to.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The last place New York Islanders have won the NHL draft lottery and will have the first overall pick. Unfortunately, the rules do not allow them to draft a new GM.

Isiah Thomas has signed a five-year contract to become the new coach at little known Florida International University. On the positive side, the games will be so boring that he'll no longer need sleeping pills.

Celine Dion is on the verge of buying the Montreal Canadiens. Because she wants to ruin more than just music.

TBS has signed David Wells to become their newest baseball analyst. In related news, TBS will now broadcast on a 10-minute delay.

And Oscar De La Hoya has announced his retirement from boxing. In related news, so has ticketmaster.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The NBA is considering using instant replay to judge shot-clock violations. The idea is being applauded by those who were concerned that the last two minutes of an NBA game weren't quite long enough.

Alex Rodriguez has said his time in Colorado gave him the opportunity to rethink things, recommit himself and understand his responsibility to his teammates and his team. In other words, his hotel room didn't have a mirror.

Earl Watson reportedly wants out of Oklahoma City. Then again, so do half of the town's residents.

Partners in the Charlotte Bobcats have been told to expect $35 million in losses over the next two years. Luckily for the Bobcats, they're used to losing.

And Jose Canseco's ex-wife Jessica is now dating Jeremy Piven. Someone should probably tell her that he's not really an agent.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Michael Vick is reportedly shopping a post-prison reality show. Something tells us it won't be on Animal Planet.

Head coach Charlie Weiss has talked openly about quitting Notre Dame. He saw how much fun his team was having doing it, so he wants to try.

Ken Griffey Jr. recently hit career home run No. 613 and his 400th as a Mariner. The veteran outfielder hopes to break another personal record later this week when he attempts to play in three consecutive games without snapping a hamstring.

Florida high school pitcher Patrick Schuster has thrown three straight no-hitters. No one was more impressed than his opponents  the Washington Nationals.

And the Marlins beat the Nationals to improve to 11-1, making them the first team in Major League history to have more wins than fans.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Tennessee Titans backup Vince Young said that he wants to avoid any hoopla this season. Which will be pretty easy, what with him not playing any games.

Raymond Felton has said that he'd like to remain a Charlotte Bobcat. In related news, Raymond Felton may be off his meds.

The Cleveland Brows are looking to get rid of Brady Quinn and most of their female fan base.

The NBA Playoffs started this weekend. And as per tradition, they kicked off with the ceremonial clearing out of the Knicks lockers.

And a 100-year-old woman from New Jersey has become the oldest competitor in the history of the United States Bowling Congress Women's Championships. Because bowling is totally a real sport.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Love and Sabermetrics on the Softball Diamond

I jumped head first into managing a co-ed softball team during the summer of 2007. It was a memorable experience - especially since it introduced me to my soon-to-be-wife - and I've often thought about turning it into a book.

But I'd sat on that idea until recently, when Baseball Prospectus announced its BP Idol contest. Below is my entry, and hopefully an introduction to future posts about that fateful season.

It's the kind of thing that can only happen in an adult co-ed league. Four couples had gotten pregnant, meaning eight members of our team would be unavailable for the upcoming slow-pitch softball season – including our manager.

Our team was in danger of missing the season unless someone stepped up to manage. I knew I wanted to run a team someday, but I never imagined it could happen in only my third year in the league. Still, for better or for worse, I accepted the challenge.
The first step was to fill out the roster. I was lucky enough to have seven returning players, including myself. I was also lucky that these seven were hungry for playing time and (relatively) talented. More importantly, none of them was with child.

To complete the team, I called in every last favor I had, essentially digging up every high school classmate still in the area. But even that wasn’t enough, as the league rules dictate that we needed an even number of men and women in the lineup at all times. Apparently I didn’t know that many girls. So a coworker took the liberty of signing up not only herself, but her sister and a friend as well. Sure, the other girls had never played before, but at least we could all get a cheap laugh out of that, my coworker promised.

With a team together, it was time to pick a lineup. Unfortunately, we didn’t have much time to practice before the season, so my chances to evaluate the available talent were limited. Fortunately, this burgeoning stathead had some sabermetric tricks up his sleeve.

Without any statistics at the beginning of the season, I had to choose a batting order the traditional way. Our speedy, high energy guy would lead off. Of course, my decision was aided by his impassioned, two-page email to me explaining how hitting leadoff gets his juices flowing and can help spark the team. Our lone power hitter would bat third, and our most consistent line drive hitter (a guy who was greatly underappreciated on our past teams) would hit fifth. League rules required us to alternate men and women in the lineup, so I essentially ordered the girls in descending order by my limited understanding of their abilities. It just so happened that the girl who would be hitting second had a little speed, and the girl who would be hitting fourth had a little pop. To round out the lineup, and to avoid favoritism, I hit myself ninth and our lone unplaced guy seventh.

The next task was to configure our defense. Again, the league gave us a few guidelines. The pitcher and catcher had to be of opposite genders, and there had to be two guys and two girls each in the infield and outfield (with four total outfielders). As a starting point, I did some research and created an initial defensive spectrum for slow-pitch softball:

C – RF – 2B – RC – 1B – LF – LC – 3B – SS – P

Yes, this was largely based on the pre-1920s spectrum found on Wikipedia. My main premise was that slow-pitch softball is dominated by pull-happy righties, so the four spots on the left side of the diamond are the most valuable. Now, one could argue that catcher, right field, and second base are more valuable than where they are shown here. But the reality was that any alignment I put out on the field would have some holes, so I just tried to minimize the damage. As for first base – well, in baseball first base is low on the defensive spectrum because it doesn’t take much skill. But in slow-pitch softball, especially with this team, the ability to consistently catch a thrown ball was not a skill that could be taken for granted.
The preliminary spectrum set, I did my best to break each position down into a skillset, evaluating my players’ range, glove skills, and arm. The arrangement I came up with looked good – at least on paper. Our best infielder went to short – nevermind that he was left-handed. Of our two best women, one didn’t want to play outfield, so she went to third and the other to left. Our aforementioned speedy, high-energy guy ended up in left center while I manned right center. The remaining positions were filled by people who actually had experience at their respective spots, and for lack of a better options our slugger volunteered to pitch.

There may be no pride in taking a walk in slow-pitch softball, but this team needed all the help it could get – especially since a league rule gave guys two bases on a walk, intentional or not. (In addition, if a guy walked with two outs, the girl behind him had the option to take their normal at bat or also take a walk.) Fortunately, that rule didn’t differentiate between guys who normally hit the ball 400 feet and guys who normally hit the ball 40. So I preached patience, and it showed off to some extent, as the leader board for walks was peppered with both men and women from my team.

A few weeks into the season, the league batting stats were passed out, and I eagerly dug in. I had been waiting for the stats not only to check my own performance, but to use them to better construct my batting order. I planned to use Dave Pinto’s Lineup Analysis Tool, but I had to modify it to accommodate the guy/girl rule. It was nothing a little Perl hack couldn’t handle. The end result still had the girls in descending order by OPS, but this time it was the slugger batting second and the speedster (who apparently struggled in the transition to slow-pitch) batting fourth. For the guys, I found myself hitting leadoff, thanks in no small part to many dates at the batting cages with the then-right fielder (and my current fiancée). All the other guys slid down a spot. Sure, it took some explaining and convincing, but I pulled it off. Our high-energy guy accepted the move to third, and our ego-driven slugger tolerated the move to fifth after a white lie about giving him more baserunners to drive in.

As the season wore on, and the losses piled up, several members of the team found they had more important things to do than play for a winless softball team with a megalomaniacal manager. Late in the summer, we found ourselves playing with only nine people more often than not. That meant taking an out every turn through the lineup, a major blow for a team that already had trouble scoring runs. But perhaps more importantly, it meant one less fielder.

One time we faced the league’s juggernaut with only nine players. Knowing the opponents’ power-hitting potential, I pulled another trick out of my sleeve: the 3-4 defense. This wasn’t a Boudreau shift like many of the Major Leagues’ best lefties face today; it was four outfielders playing straight across with only three full-time infielders. I was normally overmatched at shortstop, but such was our personnel that day that I tasked myself with cover both middle infield positions. I did a few leaps and spins around the keystone sack to make things look impressive, but all in all there was too much ground to cover for me to be effective.

As it turned out, though, the 3-4 defense was our best option against that team. Later that year, we again faced the juggernaut with only nine of our own players. On that 95-degree day, I made the mistake of going with three outfielders, thinking the three outfielders we had were good enough to cover that ground. Three dehydrated outfielders and 30 runs (as of the time the scoreboard stopped counting) later, our winless team was handed what was perhaps the worst defeat in league history.

But we had fun. Oh, did we have fun! I haven’t been able to run my own team these past few seasons, but I’m still playing. I hope to make my triumphant return to managing in the summer of 2010. Hopefully the lessons I’ve learned will help the team win a few games. Or at least one. Hey, we have to start somewhere.

NAISMITHLIVES.COM ANNOUNCES SECOND ANNUAL ALL-AMERICAN TEAM

Oklahoma Star Blake Griffin Headlines First Team

NaismithLives.com, one of the web's hottest basketball sites, announced their second annual All-American teams today. Oklahoma sophomore Blake Griffin is a member of the First Team.

Griffin averaged 22.7 points and 14.4 rebounds per game on the season. The sophomore forward led the Sooners to a record of 30-6 and was named Big 12 Player of the Year. He scored at least 30 points on six occasions, including a 40-point, 23-rebound outburst against Texas Tech in February.

“The numbers speak for themselves,” says NaismithLives.com senior writer Adam Stanco, “but it was Griffin’s utter dominance that established him as the best player in the nation from start to finish.”

NaismithLives.com All-American First Team:
Stephen Curry, Davidson, Jr.
James Harden, Arizona State, So.
Blake Griffin, Oklahoma, So.
DeJuan Blair, Pittsburgh, So.
Hasheem Thabeet, Connecticut, Jr.

For the complete list of all five All-American teams, please visit NaismithLives.com.

Launched in January of 2008, NaismithLives.com covers all levels of basketball, from high school to the pros. The site features rare insight, great writing, and a place for basketball minds to come together to share ideas.

NaismithLives.com… For the basketball purist.

# # #

For more information, follow us on Twitter at Twitter.com/NaismithLives or contact Adam Stanco at adamstanco@naismithlives.com or by phone at (610) 316-6825.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Injured Bulls forward Luol Deng is reportedly done for the season. Just a few months after the team's fans.

Florida wide receiver Percy Harvin scored a 12 out of 50 on his Wonderlic test at the NFL combine. And that's with a tutor taking it for him.

Japan has now won the World Baseball Classic twice, giving them one trophy for every person in America who watched them do it. Baseball fans are relieved to get back to watching games that matter. You know, spring training.

And Curt Schilling has officially retired from baseball. Schilling is looking forward to spending more time criticizing his family.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels recently swore his loyalty to quarterback Jay Cutler. The rest of the Broncos staff just swore.

A congenital amputee missing his arms and legs is planning to make his MMA debut next month in Alabama. Which is safer than him making his swimming debut.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Kelvin Pichardo has been suspended for 50 games following a positive drug test. Pichardo is relieved not to have to watch 50 Giants games.

A team manager said that a broken collarbone won't keep Lance Armstrong from competing in the Tour de France. Though if he gave up in France, he would be a local hero.

And Nicolai Valuev's win over Evander Holyfield was recently voted the worst boxing decision of 2008. In second place was the decision fans made to pay $50 to watch it.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Phillies ace Cole Hammels is set to pitch this season. He's so ready to play in Philadelphia, he's already bad-mouthing the Mets.

Floyd Mayweather is still undecided about returning to the ring. It's either that or play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers.

And in women's basketball, the #9 Michigan State team defeated top-seeded Duke. Not many people got to see the game, as it was pre-empted for a Sham-Wow ad. Even more shocking than the upset was seeing women's basketball make a headline. Duke coach Joanne McCallie actually used to coach Michigan State. And now she'll have the opportunity to coach elsewhere.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The city of New York may be chopping up the old Yankee Stadium and selling it to fans in little pieces. The team could profit over $15 million from the sale, which is enough to buy half an outfielder.

Joba Chamberlain's fastball is nearly 10 miles per hour slower than it was last year. Although five of those miles are attributed to Chamberlain's gravitational pull.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell wants to expand the season to 18 games. Lions fans are thrilled to get a chance at two more losses.

NBA owners have approved a rule change that gives a technical foul to teams that have an extra player on the court. Except for the Sacramento Kings, because having an extra player on the court is the only way they can stay competitive.

And Jerry West has rejected the Los Angeles Clippers' request to help turn around their franchise. Instead, West plans to focus on a far less challenging project, like world peace.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Major League catcher Ronny Paulino has been traded for the third time since December. Let's hope he's renting.

The NBA has fined Mavericks owner Mark Cuban $25,000 for making disparaging comments about the league through Twitter. Cuban was able to pay the fine after rummaging through his couch cushions. We're not sure what's more shocking: the fact that the NBA is still disciplining Cuban or that someone has finally found a way of monetizing Twitter.

Detroit is excited about hosting the Final Four. It's been a while since their last sports riot.

And Memphis coach John Calipari may coach Kentucky instead. At least he was the first to reply to their Craigslist ad.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

A minor league baseball club is selling a 1.7 pound hamburger that comes with lettuce, tomato, nacho cheese, chili, salsa and crunched tortilla chips. In related news, they've just signed David Wells.

Alex Rodriguez recently told reporters that his rehab is "going good." Just about as well as those grammar lessons.

Michael Vick has reportedly been working on a book while in prison. He'd have finished by now, but he ran out of blue crayons.

Alyssa Milano has a new book entitled "Safe at Home: Confessions of a Baseball Fanatic." That's certainly better than her original title, "Touch 'Em All."

And an Australian rugby player was hit by a car in South Africa. Sadly, the car is not expected to survive.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Injured Lakers center Andrew Bynum recently blew off his rehab assignment to party at the Playboy Mansion. In his defense, many of the women there were dressed in nurse's outfits.

The Oklahoma City Thunder are expected to call up Shaun Livingston from the Tulsa 66ers. Although Livingston is too late to qualify for comeback player of the year, he certainly wins our award for this season's most depressing itinerary.

Senator John McCain wants a posthumous pardon for Jack Johnson, a black boxer unjustly imprisoned over a hundred years ago. Not only does McCain think the conviction was wrong, but Johnson was high school buddy.

A new study released by the American College of Cardiology suggests that watching your favorite NFL team lose in the Super Bowl could actually end your life. But if you live in Chicago, watching them win is just as dangerous.

And LeBron James recently admitted that he had never heard of Sports Illustrated until he was on the magazine's cover. Granted he was only four years old at the time.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Sprint announced that it will remain a part of NASCAR's premier racing series. Just as long as the drivers don't go through tunnels, cross state lines, or try to call when it's windy.

Michael Jordan is expected to be part of Chicago's bid for the 2016 Olympics. So is his bookie.

The Texas Rangers have decided to keep rotund outfielder Andruw Jones. Mainly to provide shade for the other outfielders.

Las Vegas odds have the New York Yankees winning 95.5 games this year. Because you can't count a win against the Royals as a full game.

And San Diego ace Jake Peavy threw five more shutout innings to finish spring training with a 0.00 ERA. The only way his spring could have been any more perfect is if he hadn't spent it with the Padres.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

MLB Previews #6American League Central

Cleveland Indians

Baseball Musings Team Offense
Baseball America Top 10 Prospects

Lineup
Grady Sizemore CF
Mark DeRosa 3B
Travis Hafner DH
Victor Martinez C
Jhonny Peralta SS
Shin-Soo Choo RF
Ryan Garko 1B
Ben Francisco RF
Asdrubal Cabrera 2B

Rotation
Cliff Lee
Fausto Carmona
Carl Pavano
Scott Lewis
Anthony Reyes
Jeremy Sowers
Aaron Laffey
Zach Jackson
Jake Westbrook

After a bittersweet 2007 and a disastrous 2008, the Indians are predicted to win the Central in 2009. That's thanks in no small part to their offense - one that scored 800 runs last year despite prolonged injuries to third and fourth hitters Travis Hafner and Victor Martinez. Martinez is back, as is Hafner to an unknown extent, and they're joined by legit two-hole hitter Mark DeRosa. DeRosa and Kelly Shoppach give the Indians infield flexibility. DeRosa can play second or third (or outfield), which gives Cleveland the chance to decide what they want to do with Jhonny Peralta and Asdrubal Cabrera defensively. For the time being, Peralta will remain at third and Cabrera at second, with DeRosa playing third. Meanwhile, Kelly Shoppach has proven himself to be an everyday catcher, even if he won't have a chance in that role this year. He will have plenty of chances to play though, and give Victor Martinez opportunities at first base and DH. In the outfield, Grady Sizemore is joined by Ben Francisco and the emerging Shin-Soo Choo. To some, Francisco is just a placeholder until Matt LaPorta arrives, but Francisco is still a solid ballplayer in his own right.

On the bench, Jamey Carroll returns as a versatile utility infielder with good on base skills. Speaking of versatility, former up-and-coming second baseman Josh Barfield appears to have made the 2009 club out of spring training after adding third base and all three outfield spots to his repertoire. David Dellucci will fight for playing time in the outfield, but with guys like Choo, Francisco, LaPorta, Trevor Crowe, and Michael Brantley waiting in the wings (and Barfield, Carroll, and LaPorta's ability to play outfield), Dellucci's days in Cleveland may be numbered.

To some extent, Cleveland's starting rotation looks good on paper, but it relies on some faith and optimism. No one expects Cliff Lee to repeat his 2008 performance, but the hope is that he'll pitch at least as well as he did prior to his 2007 collapse. Fausto Carmona dominated in 2007, but then the league learned to be patient and ride out his control problems. Now the ball's back in Carmona's court when it comes to making adjustments. Carl Pavano, it appears, is healthy again, and the Indians hope he can repeat the flashes of brilliance he showed with the Expos and Marlins. Rounding out the rotation are Scott Lewis and Anthony Reyes, two pleasant surprises in 2008 who look to repeat in 2009. If they cannot, Aaron Laffey, Jeremy Sowers, Zach Jackson and a host of others are waiting in the wings. Jake Westbrook will also be a much needed shot in the arm when he returns from Tommy John rehab in June.

As Michael Taylor of Baseball Digest put it, "it's an odd year, so the Indians bullpen must be good. After a horrendous 2008, Cleveland made active strides to improve their bullpen, signing closer Kerry Wood and trading for setup man Joe Smith. Joining Wood and Smith are the two bright spots from 2008, bulldog interim closer Jensen Lewis and left setup maestro Rafael Perez. Rafael Betancourt is also back, and will look to rebound from arm troubles that limited his speed and effectiveness in 2008.

Detroit Tigers

Baseball Musings Team Offense
Baseball America Top 10 Prospects

Lineup
Curtis Granderson CF
Placido Polanco 2B
Carlos Guillen LF
Magglio Ordonez RF
Miguel Cabrera 1B
Gary Sheffield DH
Gerald Laird C
Brandon Inge 3B
Adam Everett SS

Rotation
Justin Verlander
Edwin Jackson
Armando Galarraga
Jeremy Bonderman
Nate Robertson
Dontrelle Willis

Detroit's projected lineup is an interesting mix of on base skills, power, and defense. The batting order breaks down pretty neatly that way too - the top three guys get on, the next three hit them in, and the final three are mostly there for defense. Of course, Carbera and Ordonez are quality on base guys too, and Laird is a fairly good hitting catcher. But it's not often you see an offense broken down so neatly.

Detroit's bench features the same familiar names Tigers fans are used to - Ramon Santiago in the infield, and Brent Clevlen, Ryan Raburn, Marcus Thames, and Clete Thomas in the outfield. Carlos Guillen and Brandon Inge give the Tigers some position flexibility, which may mean increased playing time for Marcus Thames. Of course, with Guillen moving to the outfield this year, it may mean plenty of playing time for one of the other outfield backups as a defensive replacements. Inge, meanwhile, may not need to strap on the tools of ignorance this season, as Detroit has found a capable backup in Matt Treanor, husband of some Olympic volleyball player you may have heard of.

Baseball Prospectus expects fairly good things for Detroit's pitching staff, predicting they will lead the division with only 777 runs surrendered. But that may come as little comfort to Tigers fans. For starters, Detroit has taken Edwin Jackson - the odd man out in Tampa Bay's rotation - and made him their No. 2 starter. They're also expecting fairly big things from last year's surprise ace Armando Galarraga. "Young veterans" Verlander and Bonderman have had their ups and downs, but they'll have to pitch well to get Detroit back in the playoffs.

When none of their young fireballers could hold down the closer's role, Detroit acquired experienced stopper Brandon Lyon. Lyon will be supported by two of those fireballers - Fernando Rodney and Joel Zumaya, familiar face Bobby Seay, and young veteran Zach Miner.

Kansas City Royals

Baseball Musings Team Offense
Baseball America Top 10 Prospects

Lineup
Coco Crisp CF
David DeJesus LF
Mark Teahen 2B
Jose Guillen RF
Mike Jacobs 1B
Alex Gordon 3B
Billy Butler DH
Miguel Olivo C
Mike Aviles SS

Rotation
Gil Meche
Zack Greinke
Kyle Davies
Brian Bannister
Luke Hochevar
Horacio Ramirez
Sidney Ponson
John Bale

Yes, that's the Kansas City Royals that Baseball Prospectus has in first place, two games ahead of last year's division winner and tied with the team that took that division winner to a one-game playoff. The Royals are a team on the rise, but at the same time they seem to match every good move with a baffling one. Good move: trading for Coco Crisp to move David DeJesus down toward the heart of the lineup and out of center field. Baffling move: trading for Mike Jacobs, a guy who hits for some power but who doesn't get on base and doesn't play good defense. Good move: getting Mike Aviles and in the lineup. Baffling move: trying Mark Teahen at second base, especially with the aforementioned poor fielding Jacobs at first. Of course, you do have to give the Royals credit for doing what it takes to put all their best bats on the field.

Bonus baffling move: signing Willie Bloomquist. Bloomquist plays at least average defense at every position, and he's a good piece to have on a contending ballclub. But a team like the Royals have much more important things to spend their money on. John Buck will back up Miguel Olivo, and the starting nod will probably go to whomever is hitting better at the time. Tony Pena, Jr. was statistically the worst offensive player in baseball last season, and this year he'll fight to keep a job with the parent club. Maybe the Royals should think of moving him to pitcher. In one mound appearance last season, Pena threw in the low 90s with decent movement. Imagine how he'd do with the proper training and practice.

One of the big reasons for Kansas City's predicted success is its stockpile of young, talented pitching. Gil Meche was a baffling move ($55 million free agent signing) that turned into a brilliant move. Meche is joined in the rotation by homegrown talent in Zack Greinke and Luke Hochevar and crafty trade acquisition Brian Bannister.

Good move, bullpen addition: picking up Joakim Soria in the 2008 Rule V draft and making him a closer. Baffling move, bullpen edition: throwing millions of dollars at Kyle Farnsworth. Sure he throws hard, but there's a reason why Major League hitters are the best in the world: they'll catch up to speed eventually. Fortunately, Kansas City does have some other versatile arms in their bullpen, including Juan Cruz, Ron Mahay, Joel Peralta, Robinson Tejada, Jamey Wright, Brandon Duckworth, and Doug Waechter.

Minnesota Twins

Baseball Musings Team Offense
Baseball America Top 10 Prospects

Lineup
Denard Span/Delmon Young LF
Carlos Gomez CF
Joe Mauer C
Justin Morneau 1B
Mike Cuddyer/Denard Span RF
Jason Kubel DH
Joe Crede 3B
Alexi Casilla 2B
Nick Punto SS

Rotation
Francisco Liriano
Scott Baker
Kevin Slowey
Glen Perkins
Nick Blackburn

The Twins have always been over-infatuated with slap hitters, but they've always seemed to make it work, especially in the Metrodome. It'll be interesting to see how playing time shakes down in the outfield, especially considering that to date, Denard Span is basically a better version of Carlos Gomez. Minnesota had been looking for a third baseman since the middle of last year, and they found one in Joe Crede. The Twins left side of the infield will rival Detroit's in terms of its defense first, offense second mentality. As always, the offense will revolve around Justin Morneau (this generation's Don Mattingly?) and Joe Mauer, and as always Minnesota's main concern will be keeping Mauer healthy.

If Mauer can't stay healthy, Mike Redmond has always been a capable backup. On the infield, the utility spots are up for grabs between Brian Buscher, Brendan Harris, and Matt Tolbert.

Minnesota has been a factory of young pitching talent for the past two decades. Even with Boof Bonser out for the season, the Twins still have a respectable rotation headlined by Francisco Liriano and featuring Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, Glen Perkins, and Nick Blackburn.

Joe Nathan is still one of the best closers in the business. As usual, he'll have a great supporting cast. Jesse Crain and Matt Guerrier are back, as is Craig Breslow, who pitched brilliantly for Minnesota after being released by division rival Cleveland.

Chicago White Sox

Baseball Musings Team Offense
Baseball America Top 10 Prospects

Lineup
Dewayne Wise CF
Chris Getz 2B
Carlos Quentin LF
Jermaine Dye RF
Jim Thome DH
Paul Konerko 1B
AJ Pierzynski C
Alexei Ramirez SS
Josh Fields 3B

Rotation
Mark Buehrle
John Danks
Gavin Floyd
Jose Contreras
Bartolo Colon
Clayton Richard
Jeffrey Marquez

As always, the computers hate the White Sox. Fortunately for Chicago, their combination of small ball and power hitting always seems to outperform the predictions (much as Minnesota's combination of small ball and speed normally does). Chicago's aging core of Dye, Thome, Konerko, and Pierzynski remains intact, with 2008 breakout stars Carlos Quentin and Alexei Ramirez added to the mix. The question is whether this year's new faces - Wise, Getz, and Fields - will hit well enough to keep their spots.

If Wise, Getz, and Fields can't, the White Sox may not have anyone to replace them - unless they want to rush 2008 top draft pick Gordon Beckham to the majors. Outside of new pickup Wilson Betemit, most of Chicago's bench is comprised of players whose bats never developed enough to become everyday players. That mix includes Brent Lillibridge, Colorado castoff Jayson Nix, Jerry Owens, and Brian Anderson. (Arguably, Betemit may belong in this category as well.)

After trading away Javier Vazquez, questions begin to creep in concerning Chicago's starting rotation. Mark Buehrle is a stalwart ace. But behind him are too much youth in John Danks and Gavin Floyd, and not enough youth in Jose Contreras and Bartolo Colon.

At least the back end of the bullpen won't be a question for the ChiSox. Bobby Jenks is back as the closer, with Octavio Dotel working the eighth and Scott Linebrink, Matt Thornton, and DJ Carrasco leading into them.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The New York Knicks are expected to shop for a new starting point guard in the off-season. The good news is that Stephon Marbury should be available.

Alex Rodriguez is opting for surgery. Unfortunately it will be on his hip, and not his brain.

Kevin McHale can expect to double his $1.5 million salary if he decides to return to coach the Timberwolves next season. And he can use that money to treat his blood pressure and ulcers.

Dolphins running back Ricky Williams is putting his autobiography on hold. Because he accidentally smoked the first chapter.

And NASCAR driver Burney Lamar and his wife Niki Taylor are the proud parents of a baby girl. The girl will be brought to you by Tide, Wonder Bread, and Skoal.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Netherlands shocked the world by eliminating the Dominican Republic at the World Baseball Classic. Of course, the real shock is that they were able to play baseball at all in those little wooden shoes.

Ray Lewis has signed a seven-year extension with the Baltimore Ravens. America can sleep soundly knowing exactly where he is.

Pacman Jones reportedly got in a fight during an episode of Pros vs. Joes. Which is much better than the fight he got into on Pros vs. Hoes.

The Utah Jazz collected their 12th straight victory. In celebration, Utah residents might even stay up til midnight.

And the Oregon Urology Institute is offering a March Madness-related vasectomy event. So even if your team doesn't make the cut, you still can.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Pacers owner Herb Simon is considering moving his team out of Indianapolis. That way they can find another city to disgrace.

Brian McNamee has admitted to injecting Roger Clemens with drugs at Yankee Stadium. Which is strange, since its much more common to use drugs in the neighborhood surrounding Yankee Stadium.

The Detroit Lions are reportedly on the lookout for a quarterback. In related news, Detroit fans are on the lookout for any kind of money back.

A judge has ruled that Michael Vick must pay his own way to his upcoming bankruptcy hearing. Ironically, he may have to take a Greyhound to get there.

And a Boston bar is now serving a novelty A-Roid cocktail. The drink is overpriced and best before October.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez complained about fans booing friend and Detroit Tiger Magglio Ordonez during the World Basdeball Classic. Ordonez brushed the booing off easily as he normally plays in Detroit.

LeBron James may be signing an extension this summer to stay with the Cavs. The Knicks are having trouble wooing him, since he's seen Knicks games.

The NFL has decided to maintain their tradition of showing a Detroit Lions game on Thanksgiving. Because the best way to enjoy Thanksgiving is with a giant turkey.

And NBA insiders believe the Indiana Pacers could be on the move to Kansas City. Where they'll instantly become the city's best baseball team. In a related story, the Pacers Danny Granger has returned after an 11-game absence. Just in time to help the team pack.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Suns scored 154 points in a resounding victory over the Warriors. The game was so lopsided that even the Phoenix Gorilla had a triple double.

Ken Griffey Jr. has admitted to experiencing serious pain when he was with Chicago. Yeah, it's called winter. Coincidentally, Reds fans experienced serious pain when Griffey Jr. was with Cincinnati.

Former Philadelphia Phillies star Lenny Dykstra has been accused of racist, sexist and homophobic remarks. No one heard him say these things, they just saw his mullet.

And there is growing concern that the Sacramento Kings could end up moving to Anaheim. Based on how bad they are, we are guessing that concern is coming from Anaheim.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Bud Selig said he is increasingly concerned about how significantly baseball might be affected by America's economic crisis. It's gotten so bad, only a handful of his players are able to afford drugs.

The NBA continues to discuss rewriting its traveling rules. That is four steps in the right direction.

Phillies left-hander Cole Hamels will be back in the line-up shortly after an elbow injury during spring training in Florida. Hamels injured himself repeatedly flipping off Florida drivers.

Andruw Jones is currently hitting over .400 for the Texas Rangers. He's not only pulling his own weight, he's also hitting it.

And Bucks forward Charlie Villanueva recently got in trouble when he was caught twittering in the Bucks locker room. Which a few years ago, had an entirely different meaning.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Fourteen women's basketball teams in the NCAA tournament have graduation rates of 100%. Which is the exact opposite of their Nielsen ratings.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson admitted to using steroids at the University of Miami. And if you're surprised by this, you probably enjoyed The Scorpion King, too.

Jessica Simpson recently signed up for golf lessons. Perfect. She already has the high waist pants.

MMA Fighter Tito Ortiz and Jenna Jameson are the proud parents of twin boys. Fortunately Jameson has plenty of experience dealing with two boys at once.

And New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Broduer set the NHL mark for most wins by a goalie. This was such an historic moment in hockey, sports networks almost cut away from bass fishing to cover it.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The odds of filling out a perfect NCAA bracket are one in 9 quintillion. And even greater if you picked Illinois.

Venezuela beat the U.S. 10-6 in the World Baseball Classic. On the positive side, it's never too late to find a new national pastime.

Bills running back Marshawn Lynch says he expects to be suspended by the NFL for his latest run-in with the law. Or traded to the Cincinnati Bengals.

Kobe Bryant was recently excused from jury duty. Prosecutors were worried that during deliberations, he would refuse to give up the floor.

And Lance Mackey has won the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race for the third consecutive year. The only thing better than winning the Iditarod is not being in Alaska in the first place.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Los Angeles Clippers are reportedly looking for a new general manager. And a new excuse.

A Binghamton University fundraiser has accused two athletic department officials of offering her money for sex. She wasn't offended by the offer, she was offended by the amount.

Miguel Tejada will likely be placed on probation for lying to Congress in 2005. No word yet on what Congress will get for lying to America since 1776.

Boston University earned the top seed in the NCAA hockey tournament. Fans celebrated by chanting that the Yankees suck.

And Shaquille O'Neal recently tweeted at halftime in a game against the Wizards. His updates aren't nearly as entertaining as imagining someone with hands that big typing on a Blackberry.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
By Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Special Olympian Kolan McConiughey made headlines by boasting he could beat Barack Obama at bowling. And George W. Bush at the SATs.

Retief Goosen picked up his first victory on the PGA Tour since 2005 by capturing the Transitions Championship. Afterwards, Goosen thanked his wife, his swing coach and Tiger Woods' knee.

The Angels and Royals combined for 30 runs in a Spring Training game thanks to winds that were gusting at 36 miles per hour. It's the most hot air we've ever seen in a game that didn't have Alex Rodriguez.

Andruw Jones is expected to sign with the Texas Rangers as a backup. He will be backing up the Rangers' mascot.

And Hulk Hogan is reportedly working on his first book. Hopefully he'll be done reading it soon.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com