Top Twelve Ways Work Could Benefit By Being More Like Professional Sports, In Ascending Order Of How Much I Want Them

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

#12: Trophies and Recognition. If I sell the most widgets in my industry, then by God I want a trophy with a little bronze man on the top holding a widget high for the world to see. And I want my name in the Widget Hall of Fame.

#11: Mascots. Everybody in the office will get a morale boost after watching Wally the Widget's wacky hijinks.

#10: Pads. And I'm not just talking shin-guards. I want body armor, like a baseball catcher or a hockey goalie or anything football. The possibilities are limitless.

#9: Stadium-style concessions. Hot dogs, beer, Dippin' Dots, Cracker Jacks, and so forth. I want vendors walking the hallways, shouting their wares and tossing them to us as needed.

#8: A penalty box, with associated infractions. Take the last cup of coffee without starting a new pot? That's a two-minute penalty. Cross-check the guy from marketing? That's another two-minute penalty.

#7: A diligent team of personal trainers and physical therapists. You'll never have another muscle cramp again.

#6: The instant replay rule, with multiple slow-motion angles and appropriate in-depth analysis:
"As you can see, Carol, I actually did submit my expense report before the deadline."

#5: Shady recruitment practices:
"Why yes, I will take that Hummer. Weekend in Vegas? No problem. One free pass on steroid use? How thoughtful."

#4: Trading cards. These would include appropriate statistics, position information, and action shots on the back. Free pink-flavored piece of balsa wood with every pack. Rookie and hologram cards would be very rare and sought after.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: Play-by-play analysis and color commentary by veterans of the business:
"It appears, Tom, that he's going with the green laser pointer for the second part of his presentation."
"That's an interesting gambit, Joe. I haven't seen this technique since the Widget Design and Analysis overview of '04."
"Right you are. Let's see how it plays out for him."

#1: Multi-million-dollar contracts.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

This week was the 70th anniversary of the Hindenburg crash. To commemorate the event, the Dallas Mavericks cleaned out their lockers.

The Yankees signed Roger Clemens to a one-year contract giving fans who set fire to their Clemens jerseys a chance to buy new ones. We look forward to next year, when we get to see which team Clemens retires from.

Across town, a fan has been banned from Shea Stadium after pleading guilty to shining a high-powered flashlight at a pair of players. Kansas City offered him season tickets, since the Royals haven't had a bright spot in years.

In another incident at Shea, a Mets fan filed suit after a 300-pound man fell on her at a game. It's the worst thing to happen to the Mets since Juan Samuel.

Phillies pitcher Freddy Garcia was injured in a collision with an equipment cart. This season, everyone is hitting Freddy Garcia.

HBO is producing a six-part miniseries about the 2004 World Champion Red Sox. Jimmy Fallon has already begun laughing on camera.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has touched on the possibility of a Super Bowl outside the United States. Assuming everyone's parole officers let them leave the country.

And Warren Sapp reported to Raiders Camp 50 pounds lighter and can now be weighed by conventional equipment. When asked how he did it, Sapp told reporters he skipped lunch.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

My Managerial Debut

Due to various, well, pregnancies, I almost wasn't going to have a coed softball team to play on this summer. That was, until F-Bomb and I decided to take charge of the team. Despite being a little last minute, we were able to secure a sponsors and (almost) enough players to put together a team. Once that was settled, I spent the next few weeks researching various thoughts on the defensive spectrum and lineup optimization. You think I'm joking. As I told Dave, it's like one of my EA Sports "people I know" dynasties, but in real life. Of course, there's also the human side of things, like scheduling, "egos," and the like. (In our case, though, most egos need to be inflated rather than deflated.)

The season opener finally came this past Tuesday. Starting Monday night, I was very fired up for my managerial debut. Of course, the league decided to antagonize my anxiousness by giving us the latest possible start time - 8:30. I struggled through work Tuesday, running over dozens of lineup combinations in my head. After I got home from work at 5:30, I immediately fired up Major League in my laptop. I figured there was no better way to mentally prepare for my debut.

Finally it was time to get dressed and make the long drive out to Westlake. I got there 30 minutes early, and was thrilled to see some of my teammates already there. I had too much on my mind to warm up, so instead I made sure everyone had a contact card filled out. The game before us ended at 8:20 (early? what?), and the umpires immediately yelled for lineups for our game. Great, we were still a girl short. I scribbled down a lineup based on some of the options I had prepared in Excel earlier that day. (Again, I kid you not.)

When it came time to take the field, we were still a girl short, and the umps were in no mood to be patient. I quickly reshuffled our defense, and tried to line myself up to cover the entire left side of the outfield against a lefty batter. Of course, the batter promptly hits the ball to the opposite field. As I drifted to my right, I realized I had taken a bad route, and watched the ball sail over my head. Turning back to recover it, I hit an uneven patch with high grass. I struggled to keep my balance, but it wasn't happening. Our season began with an inside the park home run and me flat on my face. Great.

Our final girl showed up a few minutes later. I was my usual uptight self, but fortunately I had F-Bomb in full robble robble mode to keep me in line. Highlights from the rest of the game:

• Yes we were run-ruled, and yes we only scored some run, but there's some talent on this team. Look out.


• Our shortstop is a left-handed thrower, but he played fantastic defense to earn his spot.


• Speaking of defense, we still have some kinks to work out, but there's a lot of potential out there.


• Personally hitting was just as interesting as my defensive play. For my first plate appearance, I was leading off an inning. I was so preoccupied, I stepped into the box while the pitcher was still warming up... and promptly too a practice pitch square to the crown of my head. There's still a little "rug burn" from my hat on my forehead today.



I was afraid to do a Google image search of ball+face, but this isn't too bad.


• In my next at bat, I hit a trademark infield single. I beat this one out by more than a step, so either I'm getting faster, or the infielder bobbled it and everyone was too nice to tell me.


• After running out my infield single, I didn't have enough gas to make it to second when the girl following me hit a first-pitch grounder to third. I was easily thrown out at second, and on my way back to the dugout I was chided by our shortstop for not "accidentally" taking out one of the cute middle infielders with a slide. He had done a similar thing last year, and ended up with the girl's number.


• When the umps announced the end of the game, I told my team to "Shake hands and go drink!" Sounds like a great motto for this team.

Go Ironwood!

Oh, and I already have a great newfound respect for managers and coaches alike.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

NBA commissioner David Stern is thinking about adding several teams in China. Spud Webb can finally realize his dream of playing center.

Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas was seen getting cozy with model Tyra Banks at New York's Club 66. If that's what 33 wins gets him, imagine who he could be dating if his team was any good. Perhaps Thomas should be featured on her show, walking around the city in a Rangers uniform to see how a winning coach feels.

Speculation has increased that Heat forward Antoine Walker may retire, which is what we thought he did during half the games this season.

A new study suggests that more than 40 percent of NASCAR fans are women. The survey could be wrong, however, as differentiating between male and female hillbillies is often impossible.

Campbell's spent $58 million on ads for Chunky Soup last year. $56 million of that was spent on feeding Jerome Bettis in between takes.

Boxer Acelino Freitas quit in the ring for the second time. Evander Holyfield? Tommy Morrison? Are you paying attention?

Writers are saying the Mayweather Vs. De la Hoya megafight could return boxing to it's former glory. It will be so much like old times that neither one of them will get to keep any of the white people's money.

And Yankees' pitcher Chien-Ming Wang suffered a split nail on the middle finger of his throwing hand. Tragic, as that's the finger he needs to communicate with fellow New Yorkers. George Steinbrenner is livid, as there's nothing worse than having an injured Wang.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

FSN Northwest will not renew a broadcast deal with the Portland Trail Blazers. The network has decided to move away from amateur athletics.

Speaking of amateur athletics, the Boston Celtics severed ties with guard Sebastian Telfair after he was arrested with a loaded gun in his car. Too bad - Telfair was the only shooter on the team.

Lenny Wilkens has been promoted from vice chairman to president of the Seattle SuperSonics. Apparently, he was the fifth caller. Congratulations, Lenny - that's the equivalent of being promoted from 1st mate to captain on the Titanic.

In baseball, Milwaukee Brewers manager Ned Yost broke his collarbone while jogging. Thousands of midwestern sports fans plan on using the incident as an excuse to work out even less. A Brewer collapsing. Wow - is it July already?

Deceased running back Damien Nash's brain has been donated to science. What a blow to Pacman Jones, who has been waiting for a brain for some time now.

Parry O'Brien, the 3-time Olympic shot putter who founded the spinning technique, died at age 75. His last words were, "UUUGGGHHHH!!!" His ashes were spread at sea, precisely 75.3 meters from the boat.

And a man in jail for the last 25 years became the nation's 200th inmate to be set free because of DNA evidence. Also this week, O.J. Simpson had a great round of golf.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Ten Penalties That Need To Be Officially Recognized By Football Referees, in Increasing Order Of Severity

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

Editor's Note: This is the second in what Klondike hopes is a monthly series of his opinions on sports. Click on the "If Klondike ran sports" label at the end of this article to check out the complete collection.

#10: Unspecified Error
Cause: Something definitely happened, but nobody really saw exactly what.
Signal: Exaggerated shoulder shrug.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the first infraction, 10-yard penalty for each additional infraction.

#9: Excessive Momentum
Cause: A team makes a series of good plays.
Signal: The running man dance.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty.

#8: Coach Bloviation
Cause: A coach enters the field shouting at the referee.
Signal: Talk-to-the-hand, with associated head movements.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty for the team, loss of a time out.

#7: End-Zone Lameness
Cause: A totally lame celebratory end-zone dance.
Signal: Jazz hands.
Penalty: 10-yard penalty, two-minute loss of JumboTron privileges.

#6: T.V. Delay Of Game
Cause: T.V. commercial break takes too long.
Signal: Knob-twisting motions with both hands.
Penalty: Loss of a T.V. Timeout.

#5: Illegal Hair Length
Cause: A player enters the field that has hair below the helmet line.
Signal: Slow-motion shampoo commercial hair flip.
Penalty: Loss of down, loss of hair.

#4: Illegal Gimmick
Cause: Team uses a gimmick to pull the train.
Signal: Drum-major high-step march in place, with associated baton movements.
Penalty: 15-yard penalty, loss of dignity.

#3: Illegal Victory
Cause: The wrong team wins the game.
Signal: Sweeping, frantic no-no-no hand-waiving.
Penalty: 5-yard penalty, loss of game.

#2: Sportsmanlike Conduct
Cause: Any overt act that suggests a player or team is superior to an opposing player or team.
Signal: Sit on ground, sob like a four-year-old.
Penalty: Group Hug, trophies for everybody.

#1: Divine Intervention
Cause: Deity performs a miracle that affects play.
Signal: Prostration.
Penalty: Purgatory.


All the best.

NFL Draft Review

What, original content?

From the Cleveland Browns' Perspective

• It was a wild but successful first round for the Browns. Cleveland took OT Joe Thomas with the third overall pick, but they weren't done yet. After Brady Quinn was still around as of the 22nd pick, Cleveland traded their 2007 second round pick and 2008 first round pick to Dallas for the chance to draft Quinn. Fans and "experts" alike are hailing this as the day that potential puts the Cleveland Browns franchise back on track.


• It looked like the Browns were out of the second round, until GM Phil Savage swung another deal. After trading for a second round pick, the Browns picked up troubled DB Eric Wright. Wright is a first round talent, but a troubled past got him kicked out of USC. After that, he ended up at UNLV. When interviewed, Romeo Crennel pointed out that if Wright can stay trouble free in Las Vegas of all places for two years, his character shouldn't be much of an issue any more.


• Following Wright, the Browns picked up another cornerback and two defensive ends. The Browns are decent at corner when their players are healthy, but that's happening less and less these days. Both DEs are big enough to play the line in a 3-4, and will be the heir apparents to the aging Orpheus Roye.


• The Browns finished out their draft with Syndric Steptoe, a WR/returner. If Steptoe has an impressive training camp, he essentially replaces the departed Dennis Northcutt.

From Notre Dame's Perspective

• It was a long day for Quinn, but in the end it turned out well. Perhaps wisely, the Browns chose to strengthen their line with the #3 pick. (Someone related their previous first round picks to a sugar rush.) But after Miami took Ted Ginn at #9 (even Cleveland-area radio announcers thought that that was far too high for Ginn), no one else really needed a QB... until the Browns traded for the little kid in the Bernie Kosar uniform.


• Victor Abiamiri and Ryan Harris have found themselves in great situations. Abiamiri is going to the Eagles, where he will backup Jevon Kearse. Harris was drafted into the Broncos system, which has always turned out great offensive linemen. In what is perhaps not a coincidence, Denver usually employs "undersized" but agile linemen.


• Derek Landri was picked up by Jacksonville in the 5th round, a tribute to his "motor." It will be interesting to see what position the undersized Landri plays in the pros.


• In another feel-good move for ND fans, the Patriots drafted Mike Richardson in the 6th round. Richardson is a smart player who arguably could play safety as well as corner. This proves that Richardson was perhaps the most improved defensive player of the Charlie Weis era to date.


• The Bengals used two 7th round picks on Dan Santucci and Nedu Ndukwe. In a way, Santucci makes up for the loss of Eric Steinbach to Cleveland, while Ndukwe was no doubt drafted for his athleticism and potential.


• Perhaps surprisingly, neither Darius Walker and Rhema McKnight went undrafted. But by the time you read this, they will probably have signed with a team as free agents.

Finally, a note that will hopefully serve as a preview for an upcoming ND baseball alumni update. Jeff Samardzija is doing well in the High A Florida State League, but has tough luck earning his first win. Meanwhile, Jeff Manship's numbers have been outstanding in the Low A Midwest League. Sure, he's playing in a lower league than Samardzija, but Manship's performance is still nothing to scoff at.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

This week marked the beginning of the NBA playoffs. Or as the Hawks call it: vacation time.

Elsewhere in basketball, Upper Deck Authenticated's new Kobe Bryant action figure is so realistic you can't even get the ball out of his hands.

Fox featured San Diego State alumni Mark Grace, Jeanne Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy on the same program. We're not sure what's stranger; the fact that all three broadcasters attended the same school or the fact that three San Diego State grads actually managed to find jobs.

Texas Rangers closer Eric Gagne is back on the disabled list, upsetting the one fantasy owner who picked up Eric Gagne. Gagne blames his newest injury on the rehab work he did at Walter Reed Army Medical Center

Cubs broadcaster Ron Santo is in the hospital while undergoing tests for an irregular heartbeat. What brought on the palpitations? Following the Cubs.

Detroit Tigers first baseman Sean Casey flew home recently to find his car up on cinder blocks with the windows smashed in. Authorities have ruled out Manny Ramirez, who is incapable of hitting anything.

Justin Timberlake announced that he'd like to play professional golf. Joey Fatone is excited, as he was looking for a new job caddying.

And the Indianapolis Colts visited the White House. President Bush was happy for the change of pace - meeting an offensive line instead of uttering one. Bush was presented with a #43 jersey, commemorating his status as America's 43rd president, as well as all 43 states.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Top NFL draft prospect Amobi Okoye admitted during interviews at the NFL combine that he has used marijuana. Teams are now wary of drafting him, as they now have to factor in the price of all those Cheetos.

Barry Bonds is continuing his pursuit of Hank Aaron. Let's hope all of this success doesn't go to his head. His massive, melon shaped head.

In basketball, Detroit Pistons guard Flip Murray says three gunshots were fired into his home by a pair of masked men. All three shots missed wildly, leading police to suspect that one of the shooters may have been Antoine Walker.

SuperSonics majority owner Clay Bennett has announced that Seattle will no longer have a basketball team beyond the 2007-08 season. The news shocked fans, who thought the Sonics stopped playing basketball in the late nineties.

Curtis Strange and Hubert Green have been elected to the World Golf Hall of Fame. The news was greeted by a very quiet and polite round of applause.

Friends report that reality star and wrestler Hulk Hogan has been quarreling nearly nonstop with his wife. Luckily no one has been hurt as all of their fights are heavily choreographed and planned out in advance.

David Beckham has been selected as the sexiest dad among a list of sexy entertainers and athletes. Former NBA star Shawn Kemp did not win, despite 75 of his children casting ballots.

And Nike took out a full-page ad in the New York Times thanking disgraced radio host Don Imus for bringing the issues of race relations and sexism to the forefront. The company also plans on throwing a parade for John Rocker. Imus' joke has also led to a lucrative book deal for the Rutgers coach Vivian Stringer. The book is tentatively titled, Acting for Beginners.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Kenya's Robert Cheruiyot, who won the Boston Marathon by outrunning the rest of the Kenyans. We're tired of Americans losing every marathon, and are starting our own. The course will be nine miles and can be driven.

Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano's girlfriend will be photographed for Maxim. Unless she gets injured first.

In basketball, Tim Duncan was given a technical foul and thrown out of a game for laughing at a call while on the bench. Officials feared for their safety as it's the first time Duncan has ever smiled.

Georgetown juniors Jeff Green and Roy Hibbert will submit their names for the NBA draft but will not sign with agents. That's great news for savvy NBA teams who are looking to sign the players for $15 a piece.

Turning to football, Minnesota Vikings cornerback Cedric Griffin was arrested at a night club for refusing to pull up his pants. Mr. Griffin, there is a time and a place for that kind of behavior, and that's on a cruise with the rest of your team.

Tennis star Andre Agassi hit wife Stefi Graf in the face with a tennis racquet during a charity event. Crazy what married people are into. In related news, Agassi ex Brooke Shields is no longer depressed.

And a 102-year-old woman has become the oldest golfer to ever record a hole-in-one. The woman was thrilled once she learned that she was golfing. She'll be even more thrilled when they tell her again in 20 minutes.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Denzel Washington's son will make his NFL Europa debut for the Hamburg Sea Devils. Well done, Jackie Robinson! Denzel said he is very proud of his son for making it as a European football player, and he's such a good actor that he said it convincingly, too.

In American football, Drew Bledsoe finally retired - from being benched. Unfortunately he's already being benched from retirement in favor of Jake Plummer.

Suspended Titan Pac-Man Jones was ringside for his best friend Zab Judah's fight with Ruben Galvan, mainly because he's got nothing else to do. Thankfully, the fight was not in Vegas. Now that the suspended Tennessee Titan has the year free, may we suggest he try his hand at acting. First audition? The Longest Yard-Part II.

More trouble from the Imus scandal as new tapes reveal that he also said the Rutgers women's basketball team was "from New Jersey."

And the Chicago Blackhawks will have the first pick in the NHL Draft. The Blackhawks plan on using the pick to draft a new franchise. Either that or to draft fans that care.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Snowstorms forced the Indians to play the Angels in Milwaukee. Fans at Miller Park were thankfully too drunk to tell the difference.

Elsewhere in baseball, Atlanta Braves pitcher Mike Hampton will miss his second straight season because of elbow surgery. Eric Gagne is suing for plagiarism.

Olympic sprinter Tim Montgomery pleaded guilty to conspiracy in a multi-million dollar bank fraud scheme. Too bad - Montgomery was planning to use the money to buy more steroids. Authorities plan on giving the sprinter five to ten years behind bars – if they can catch him.

The 300-pound, slow moving Florida manatee will be removed from the endangered species list and will instead play line for the Miami Dolphins. Although if he can pitch, the Padres are also interested.

A Slovenian man broke a world record by swimming down the Amazon River in 65 days, and is still furious with his travel agent. Americans would be more impressed if we could locate Slovenia on a map. Or the Amazon.

And UCLA's legendary basketball coach John Wooden has been hospitalized with a stomach problem. Doctors say the problem started after Wooden watched Yoakim Noah shoot a free throw. Doctors are optimistic, however. If Wooden survived the bling-bling era, he can probably pull through anything.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

International players now make up 29% of Major League Baseball. So if you've gotten an American education, that's more than half. The New York Mets have the most international players on their current roster with 72,000. Half of Boston's roster is foreign born, but they all get bussed in.

In Louisville, the saddle worn by last year's Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is expected to fetch the highest bid at a charity auction. Expected to fetch the lowest bid? A large bottle of glue.

CFL running back Ricky Williams has applied to be reinstated in the NFL, after using up all the pot in Toronto. Scouts are skeptical, as Williams has already taken way too many hits.

In basketball, Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas will likely miss the rest of the season after knee surgery. Many Wizards fans wish they could be so lucky. Arenas' injury is unfortunate, as he is the best team in the Eastern Conference.

And two 43-year old former world champion boxers squared off this week. The two were told to touch gloves, keep it clean, and put a coat on - it's cold out. We're looking forward to next week, when the winner takes on Max Schmeling.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Sammy Sosa on making the Texas Rangers opening day roster. Thankfully for Sosa, most restaurants in Arlington do not charge a corkage fee.

Those watching a recent Cubs-Diamondbacks game were treated to a rare sight: a female umpire. Just what ballplayers need - an official who remembers the details of every single argument, and will also bring up arguments from previous games.

In basketball, LeBron James cheered up his teammates after their loss to the Knicks by taking them to a topless bar. His plan worked great - it was the most focused the team has been all year long.

Injured superstar Dwyane Wade practiced for the first time in 6 weeks and should be ready for the playoffs, assuming the Eastern Conference bothers to show up.

Golf Digest did not include Trump International Golf Club on its list of "America's 100 Greatest Courses." Reviewers didn't like the way the sand traps had been combed over. And the casino on the 12th hole is just gaudy.

The NFL has cancelled an exhibition game in China between the Patriots and Seahawks, disappointing the millions of Matt Hasselback fans in mainland China.

And NFL League owners have voted 30-2 to make the video replay system a permanent officiating tool. In related news, NFL League owners have voted 30-2 to make the video replay system a permanent officiating tool. The Detroit Lions will not use the replay system, as they always make the same mistakes anyway.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Top Ten Changes to the Game of Golf that Should Happen Before I will Consider It a Sport, In Ascending Order of Necessity

by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient

#10: Uniforms. You should be able to look at a golfer without risk of seizures, queasiness, or other physical maladies.

#9: No more caddies. The golfer will need to carry his own clubs. A quiver arrangement would probably be the coolest looking. But anything else, like a hip sheath, would also be acceptable.

Of course, #9 is maybe the least likely to happen. We'll never sell any of these changes if we can't convince the Caddy Mafia. For those caddies out there who now want me "whacked" for #9, please ignore #9 and accept #8.

#8: "Caddy" is now another position on the golf "team". In addition to carrying the clubs and keeping up with the golfer, the caddy will be in charge of all defensive maneuvers. If the golfer is the equivalent of a quarterback, the caddy will now be something of a defensive back.

#7: Timed games. You can time the whole course, but I would think timing each hole would be more flexible. The best competitions always have a sense of energy, of urgency. People will watch chess if it's timed. (Note: Baseball could also benefit from a clock, but this isn't my baseball rant.)

#6: Mascots. At least at the professional level. If you go with #8 you'll have a team, and all sports teams have mascots. If you go with #9, you'll have plenty of former caddies who could immediately fill your new mascot positions.

#5: More Hazard Types. All right, we've got sand traps and we've got water traps. That's a good start, but it gets monotonous. I'm not saying we have to go totally miniature-golf at a macro level, but how about some hedges on the fairway? Or mud pits? They can be hazards for the golfer, too. Remember, time is now a factor. Crank up the fog machine. Put up some hurdles.

Okay, #5 may be too much of a departure. But if you discount #5, you'll have to go with #4.

#4: More Existing Hazard Types. Break up that fairway with a few more sand traps. Get some streams running through the fairway, deep enough to give the golfer a struggle as he hurries to the next shot but not so much that you have to caulk the wagon and float it across.

#3: Cheerleaders.

#2: Similar to #7 but more important; There needs to be a shot clock. If you regularly hit the ball two-hundred-fifty yards, you'd better be able to run two-hundred-fifty yards in under a minute. Or thirty seconds. Or however long it takes an average person to run two-hundred-fifty yards and still have a chance of lining up the next shot.

#1: Defense. A sport cannot be a sport without defense. Let your opponent get to putt your ball away after every one of your shots. Maybe your opponent gets to place a hazard. Maybe your opponent's caddy/defensive back tries to block you while you run to place your next shot. Something has to be in place that allows your opponent to directly, tangibly, and significantly affect your game. Otherwise, it's only ever going to be an activity and never a sport.

All the best.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Former major league pitcher Ugueth Urbina has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for the attempted murder of five workers on his family's ranch. Urbina is still thankful he doesn't have to play for the Cubs. No one was actually killed in the incident – and we thought Urbina was a closer.

Yao Ming's basketball jersey is not among the top sellers in China, mainly because all those jerseys look alike.

The NBA and the Cleveland Cavaliers have said that LeBron James will no longer be allowed to have his son sit on the bench. David Wesley is thrilled, as he will get his seat back. James also just finished building a massive house that includes a theater, bowling alley, casino and barber shop. The house is so cool, you almost forget the front door is located in Cleveland. When James retires, he can sell the place and buy a studio apartment in New York.

Turning to college, the son of North Carolina State basketball coach Sidney Lowe faces more than 20 criminal charges from two separate attacks. Authorities predict he could be sentenced to 25 years on the Cincinnati Bengals.

Former Bears LB Steve McMichael has been named the head coach of the Chicago Slaughter, a seven-man indoor football team. McMichael said that it's one notch below arena football, which makes it three notches below Rock-Paper-Scissors.

And four men have been arrested after part of a man's ear was bitten off during a Greece/Turkey soccer brawl. Mike Tyson has since apologized. This kind of soccer hooliganism is more common in England, since a human ear is a nice alternative to British cooking.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Another Call for Guest Columns

I've just received some great news. Baseball in Lorain County is one the rise. Lorain has renovated its Class F field into a professional-caliber stadium. "The Pipe Yard" will be Cleveland State's (Cleveland isn't a state) home field this year, and it will also host several games for Lorain County Community College. The long-term - or more appropriately, medium-term - hope is to lure a professional baseball team to Lorain.

A Frontier League team did "flirt" with Lorain a few years back, but nothing came of it. However, the nearby city of Avon recently announced that it has reached a deal with a Frontier league team.

With this recent upsurge, the local paper put out a search for a new baseball writer. On a whim, I threw out a resume and some sample work. Ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at (or reading the words of) The Morning Journal's new college and pro baseball writer.

The position is only on a freelance basis, so I'll still be keeping my day job. Between work, writing, and school, my calendar is book. That's where you come in. I'm going to need much help from my loyal readers in the form of guest columns, or else the site may have to go on hiatus for a while.

Again, this is an exciting time for me. But if you're a fan of Kanka's Sports Page, I'll need your help to keep it going.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Editor's Note: Kanka's Sports Page is taking another step towards the big time. I'd like to welcome Steve Hofstetter (whose credits include Sports Illustrated and Maxim and his staff, who graciously offered to allow this site to syndicate their Sports Minute (Or So) for free. The Minute can also be seen in 31 newspapers and heard on 162 radio stations. For more, see the link at the end of this column.

The World Chess Federation says it's going to start testing for performance enhancing drugs. Like No-Doze.

In cricket, a pathology report has indicated that Pakistani coach Bob Woolmer died of manual strangulation. Latrell Sprewell was unavailable for comment. It's believed to be the biggest sports choke since the 2004 ALCS.

Major League Baseball mandated each team watch a film on the dangers and consequences of steroid use. In an interesting twist, the film was projected on the back of Barry Bonds' head.

Basketballer LeBron James has acquired a minority ownership of Cannondale, a manufacturer of high-end bicycles. It's nice to see James will have something to fall back on in case this whole basketball thing doesn't work out. James has been advised to invest wisely, so that when he retires, he will be able to put gas in all 8 of his private planes.

At the world swimming championships, the United States won four gold medals and set three world records. The United States has the second most powerful swimmers in the world, just behind Tom Brady.

And inspired by his brother's performance on Saturday Night Live, Eli Manning will begin working with a comedy troupe: the Giants minicamp. Eli also proposed to his girlfriend of five years this week which frustrated Giants fans: they are still waiting for Manning to come around. Congratulations, Eli – this is probably the only ring in your career.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

(Last) Weekend in Review

St Patrick's Day 2007 Edition

By midweek, things were really starting to come together. Dave was going to fly in Friday night, coincidentally on the same plane my sister would be on, for a weekend of frolic that would include F-Bomb's birthday and St. Patrick's Day. To make things better, Klondike planned to get out of work early so he could also make the drive out to the Cleveland area. On Thursday night, F-Bomb and I went on a supply run to stock up for the weekend.
Then the East Coast Weather Bias hit. A dusting of snow caused LaGuardia to shut down all commuter jet flights, including the one Dave and my sister were supposed to be on. To make things worse, everything from New York was booked until the following Monday. We scrambled to reschedule for the next weekend, but flights that weekend were triple the cost of Dave's original flight. In the scheduling panic, Klondike missed his window of opportunity to drive out here, so it looked like things were off.
After a disappointing workday Friday, I tried to salvage things at an in-office retirement party. It was an OK time, and I did make a good impression on a pair of semi-retired board members. Afterwards, I did my best to at least lock in my local friends for festivities on Saturday, so the weekend wouldn't be a total waste. Then I got the news: my dad was supposed to drive my (other) sister out to Pittsburgh for the women's basketball tournament, but the weather was looking bad and my dad was worried about making it back in time for another retirement party Saturday evening. So guess who got volunteered to play chauffeur on Saturday? Yours truly. After cancelling my new plans with local friends, I decided to call it an early night so I could leave early Saturday morning.
The drive to Pittsburgh was uneventful - and the weather was nice, by the way - and we arrived early afternoon. At that point, I decided that while I was out there, I would at least attempt to make something out of the drive and attempt to get a ticket. The athletic department liason, Charmelle, spotted me, noticed my band jacket, and confused me for a current band member. After explaining my situation to her, I mentioned that I needed a ticket. She told me that the president of the ND club of Pittsburgh might be able to help, but that she didn't have the guy's number on her, so instead she gave me her business card. One Sam Sanchez was out on the town, so I decided to wait in the hotel lobby and watch basketball until he got back. It was then that I experienced Xavier grasp defeat from the jaws of victory while sitting just outside a crowded bar of Ohio State fans. (Ohio State's women's team was not playing in Pittsburgh, so I have no idea why the fans were there.) After waiting for a few hours, I decided to give Sam a call. After a few minutes, he was able to track down the name and number of the ND Club of Pittsburgh president. I gave said president a call, and he gave me two contacts: a representative of the ND ticket office in Pittsburgh, and a contact in the Pitt ticket office who had sold the ND Club a suite. I called both and left voicemails. Maja from the ND ticket office called back first, so I decided to arrange things with her. The woman from the Pitt office also called back, and I told her that I would call her if Maja couldn't come through. But Maja was able to come through - $16 for a two-game session. Not bad, compared to the $50+ rate for men's sessions.
That took care of Objective 1. Objective 2 was finding a place to stay that night. I went with my sister and a few band kids to a corner pizza shop named Pizza Parma, and mentioned my predicament. The lone bass in our group, a guy named Matt, offered floor space, and I gladly accepted. Objective 2 was quickly accomplished.
Objective 3 was finding a place for my car to stay the night. I originally had a spot in the underground garage below the hotel, but in my indecisiveness over staying I moved it to a garage that closed at 1 AM. By the time I had decided to stay, the hotel garage was down to valet spaces only. Valet spaces were $22 compared to the regular 8. Plus, when I asked about the rate, I was told that it was charged directly to my room bill. Being as I didn't have a room, I figured I was out of luck. As I was walking back to the garaged that housed my car, I spotted another garage sponsored by the city of Pittsburgh. It had an overnight rate listed on the sign, but I walked in and asked the attendant just in case. "Yes, you can park your car here for as long as you want." Objective 3 complete.
With everything set, I settled in for a relaxing night of watching basketball in "my" room. The next morning, I threw on my "PROPERTY OF ND WOMEN'S BASKETBALL BAND" shirt and band jacket, and was able to sneak onto the band/cheerleader bus. (Interesting note: while the cheerleaders have white adidas shoes with blue stripes, the Leprechaun is given white shoes with green stripes, gold trim, and the Leprechaun logo stiched onto the side of the heel.) We rode to the Petersen Events center behind the team bus and a police escort (not as cool as the escort for the 2001 Women's Big East in Connecticut, which included a snowplow, but still) and I followed the band as far as I could until I had to separate and find my seat.
My seat was pretty nice - on the sideline, about even with the free throw line, and maybe about 10 rows up. My ticket said row "K," so I figured the 10th row was in fact the right place. But after grabbing a few hot dogs and settling back into my seat, an usher came up with a few people who thought I was in their seat. The usher checked my ticket and pointed to the extra few rows of seats on the floor. "You're down there. You got an upgrade!" When I walked down to the floor section, sure enough there was row K, although it was only about the 6th row. As I got to the section, Wendi Nix of ESPN was interviewing Melissa Lechlitner's parents. It didn't take me long to figure out that I was in the parent's section. I was stuck in the corner of the last row, with a stair railing blocking half my view, but I didn't care one bit. Muffet McGraw's husband was seated six rows directly in front of me in a green derby. Erica Williamson's brother, who could pass as her twin, was three rows in front, then Erica Barlow's family, then the Lechlitners, then me. I couldn't figure out whether I was sitting next to the D'Amicos or the Tsipises, but it really didn't matter. The woman next to me kept apologizing for her 4-year-old boy acting like, well, a 4-year-old, but I didn't care one bit. Hey, I thought it was great that he would echo the Victory March or some of the cheers after the band or cheerleaders finished.
The game was an exciting one, and it was interesting to see the different reactions from the various family members. Down the row from me, there were a few people who weren't too happy with the refs. In front of me, Erica Williamson's brother was acting as goofy as his younger sibling supposedly does. The Lechlitners were silent and motionless, save for two audible gasps when Melissa missed back-to-back free throws late in the game. But in the end it was a win, and everyone was happy.
After the game I was able to sneak to the bus with the band (it's amazing what a band jacket, and "women's basketball band" shirt, and a "if you act like you know what you're doing, people won't bother you" attitude can do for you), and it was there that I spotted Pitt coach Jamie Dixon. I hope Coach Dixon wasn't parking in his normal spot, becuase it was a rather long walk from the arena. I said hi to Coach Dixon, he returned the greeting, and then spotting who we were, he asked us if we won. From the arena, the band and cheerleaders headed to the Cheesecake Factory for an early dinner. On the bus, Sam mentioned that people were still needed to play for Tuesday's game. In fact, the only trombones at Sunday's game were Matt Merten and Bob Casarez, who had arrived in Pittsburgh at 4:30 that morning from the previous night's hockey game in Detriot. I gladly volunteered my services, and it was then that people asked why I hadn't played in Sunday's game. It turns out that the NCAA likes to have an official list of participating band members at least a day in advance. If that wasn't the case, Matt and Bob could have brought a trombone down for me, or I could have participated as the cowbell player. (Yes, I definitely would have called everyone I knew before/during Sunday's if I was to be playing the cowbell at a women's tournament game.) That was a moot point, and all that mattered was that I would be back on Tuesday to play bone for the second round game against North Carolina.
I picked up a full cheesecake for mini-Kanka's Super Sweet 16, which was that day, and then the bus headed back to the hotel. In the lobby, we were greeted by a very friendly "Hey guys!" from Crystal Erwin. Right before I left for home, I stopped by Sam's room, now occupied by Bob and Merten, to say goodbye. Crystal Erwin walked up right behind me, and it turned out that she was staying in the room right across the hall. I congratulated her on the game. "Thanks! Hey, you're right across the hall from us!" After I explained that it was my room, we struck up a little conversation until it was broken up by one of the managers. After saying goodbye to Bob and Merten, and reminding them that I would be back Tuesday, I headed home to plan my work schedule so I could make a return trip.
After alluding to my weekend on the message board, F-Bomb asked if he could join me. After discussions that included him, Bob, and Sam, we were finally able to work things out. It turned out that we would actually make things easier on Sam - in addition to playing, we could also pick him up in the Pittsburgh airport after he dropped off the rental van he was going to drive from South Bend. (Sam had to return to ND after Sunday's game a) to return the school van that Bob and Merten had driven from school to Detroit to Pittsburgh, and b) to bring back more band kids.) I left work a little early on Tuesday, and picked up F-Bomb in Cleveland when he got out of work at 4:30. (By the way, I was wearing my other "PROPERTY OF ND WOMEN'S BASKETBALL BAND" shirt on Tuesday.) After F-Bomb and I both took a detailed personality test that work had given him (and one that confirmed my attraction for outgoing types and creative types), we arrived at the airport to pick up Sam. Sam had us drive back to the hotel, where the band hadn't yet left for the 9:30 PM game. We were able to follow the bus from the hotel to the dropoff point next to the arena. But there we were in a bit of a jam. Where were we supposed to park? An arena traffic guy pointed to the line of cars crawling along in the opposite direction. He said that we needed to follow them, but that if we did, we'd never make it to the game on time. He agreed to let me park in a small spot on the curb between our bus and the fire hydrant, as long as we put something to identify our allegiance to the ND band in the windshield. That "something" was actually three things: a handwritten sign that said "NOTRE DAME BAND," my band jacket, and a Sam Sanchez business card.
We walked into the arena, but we were actually not allowed to watch the Tennessee-Pitt game that was going on before ours. So we were hearded onto a practice court with the cheerleaders and the North Carolina band and cheerleaders. It was there that Bob handed out part assignments for the bones. Merten had caught strep sometime between Sunday and Tuesday, so he wasn't playing. With Merten out, Bob handed me the trombone I folder. Awesome, thanks Bob. Someone found some basketballs, and a giant game of knockout was started between the two bands. The North Carolina bandos were very proud that their basketball-rich school had a few band kids who were actually mediocre enough to consistently beat our band kids. (Most of our band kids, and even most of the UNC band kids, made me look good.) The bones chose not to play, instead opting to shoot the breeze while F-Bomb scoped out the UNC cheerleaders.
As Tennessee put the finishing touches on their win over Pitt, we were moved to a tunnel just outside court and the Tennessee locker room. I'll admit it - it was kinda cool seeing Candace Parker in person and being no less than 10 feet away from her.
When we finally made it to our seats, North Carolina was warming up on our end of the court. I decided that Notre Dame might need a little help in this 1 vs. 8 matchup, so I started heckling Ivory Latta from the moment the pregame clock started. As the game went on, Latta actually gave me a few good reasons to heckle her - she chose to cover our shooting guard instead of our point guard, she cherry picked each time the Tar Heels got a defensive rebound, she was held to 3 points in the first half, and her fiery attitude almost got the best of her at one point - after being bumped around in the key on her defensive end, she got up and gave an ND player a shove right in front of one of the referees.
I recapped the game the other day, so I really don't need to go over it again. The parents' section was just to our left, and from time to time Ashley Barlow's dad (or uncle) would do his best to get the band cheering. After the game, Crystal Erwin walked by us in the tunnel, and needless to say the senior wasn't in the same friendly mood she was in the other day.
The ride home was uneventful, insomuch that neither F-Bomb (who drove much of the way) nor I fell asleep. We got to F-Bomb's place at 3 AM, and he was at work by 8. I was a bit more of a slacker. I made it home at 3:30, and blessed the fact that I told my boss I wouldn't be in until noon. Go leftover Veteran's Day hours!
The end.

MLB Preview #6: AL Central

Minnesota Twins

Lineup
Luis Castillo 2B
Nick Punto 3B
Joe Mauer C
Mike Cuddyer RF
Justin Morneau 1B
Rondell White LF
Torii Hunter CF
Jason Kubel DH
Jason Bartlett SS

Rotation
Johan Santana
Ramon Ortiz
Boof Bonser
Carlos Silva
Matt Garza
Scott Baker
Glen Perkins

At first glance, you see essentially the same lineup that won the division last year. A pessimist would point out that at least half of the lineup had career years, and that those players's numbers are bound to revert to the mean this season. Of course, an optimist would point out that most of these players are young, so their numbers are simply on the rise. Which is the case, then? Mauer and Morneau are no doubt on the rise, although they may have trouble duplicating their MVP-caliber 2006 performances. Luis Castillo has just been consistent throughout the years. Punto may have just had a career year, but then again, hitting in front of Mauer didn't hurt last year and it won't this year. Cuddyer's numbers may dip, or maybe he's just finally living up to his big hype. Hunter put up his second best offensive performance in 2006, and only now is he going into a contract year. So the offense will still perform. On the bench, the outfield is deep, but that's about it. The outfield depth is a good thing, though, as White is aging, Hunter's body is starting to break down, and Jason Kubel has yet to prove himself.
Well, the lineup had better perform, because they're not getting much help from the rotation after Johan Santana. Francisco Liriano is out for the year, and the best replacement avilable was Ramon Ortiz. Carlos Silva struggled last year, and statheads would point to his tendency towards low strikeout totals and high home run totals as a cause. Boof Bonser has had a slow road as a prospect, and it's finally time for him to step up. Matt Garza admitted to succumbing to pressure last year, so look for him to improve the second time around. If anyone falters, the Twins still do have JD Durbin on the horizon. Of course, Minnesota can afford to give a little with their rotation, because their bullpen is traditionally lights out. Always a farm for future pitching stars, the Twins pen features closer Joe Nathan, perhaps the best in the game at what he does. Jesse Crain, Pat Neshek, and Juan Rincon all have futures as closers. If that isn't good enough, they added Dennys Reyes, who only went 5-0 with an ERA of 0.89 in 66 games last year.

Detroit Tigers

Lineup
Curtis Granderson CF
Placido Polanco 2B
Pudge Rodriguez C
Gary Sheffield RF
Magglio Ordonez DH
Carlos Guillen SS
Sean Casey 1B
Craig Monroe LF
Brandon Inge 3B

Rotation
Jeremy Bonderman
Kenny Rogers
Justin Verlander
Nate Robertson
Mike Maroth
Zach Miner
Wilfredo Ledesma

This team only made the World Series last year, and then all they did was add Gary Sheffield. Granderson doesn't quite have the on base numbers to bat leadoff, but he appears to be there by default. The only question I have for this lineup is whether Rodriguez will bat third, or whether he will move down to 6 and bump everyone else up a spot. I suppose that all depends on his production. Either way, though, this is the second competitive lineup in a competitive division. The bench is deep, with veteran backstop Vance Wilson; three guys who can play shortstop (and several other positions) in Omar Infante, Neifi Perez, and Ramon Santiago; and Chris Shelton, who may have trouble breaking camp this year. Former starter Marcus Thames will spell Sheffield and Ordonez in right field, when Shef and Mags aren't spelling each other in the DH spot.
It was just a few years ago when Jeremy Bonderman, Nate Robertson, and Mike Maroth were racing to not be "that guy" with 20 losses. Now they're the core of a rotation that also features a resurgent Kenny Rogers and star sophomore Justin Verlander. Rogers is one of the most athletic pitchers in the game, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that his body has held up so well. Verlander, meanwhile, ran out of gas somewhere in late August, and the wear and tear on his arm will no doubt carry into the beginning of this season. Like Minnesota, Detroit has stocked is bullpen with potential closers. Todd Jones is the current closer, but that may not last long. As long as Joel Zumaya can lay off the Guitar Hero, the fireballer may be Detroit's closer by the trading deadline. Speaking of fireballers, Fernando Rodney isn't too far behind. And for good measure, the Tigers also brought Jose Mesa back to the AL Central.

Chicago White Sox

Lineup
Scott Podsednik LF
Darin Erstad CF
Jim Thome DH
Paul Konerko 1B
Jermaine Dye RF
AJ Pierzynski C
Joe Crede 3B
Tadahito Iguchi 2B
Juan Uribe/Alex Cintron SS

Rotation
Jose Contreras
Mark Buehrle
Jon Garland
Javier Vazquez
Gavin Floyd

In theory, this is a decent lineup. In practice, however, things may not play that way. Ozzie Guillen will stubbornly keep Podsednik and Erstad at the top of the lineup, even though Iguchi is much better at getting on base. JI
JIM THOME, Konerko, and Dye could go either way as they continue to age. Juan Uribe's future may be in jeopardy after legal accusations in his home country. If Uribe can't go, Chicago does have two capable backups in Alex Cintron and Pablo Ozuna. The outfield bench features former prospect Brian Anderson, whose hitting never panned out and who may be on the trading block, and the versatile Rob Mackowiak.
The Sox traded away Freddy Garcia for a package that included Gavin Floyd, whose career ERA is a shade under 7 in the National League. This rotation struggled to repeat its success from the 2005 season, and it won't be able to repeat that success this year either. The bullpen isn't much better. They did add a former closer (and starter) in Mike MacDougal, but other than that there isn't much in the cupboard. Without some major moves (including, perhaps, a manager), I would be surprised if this team finished above fourth in a very competitive division.

Cleveland Indians

Lineup
Grady Sizemore CF
David Dellucci LF
Travis Hafner DH
Victor Martinez C
Trot Nixon RF
Casey Blake 1B
Jhonny Peralta SS
Andy Marte 3B
Josh Barfield 2B

Rotation
CC Sabathia
Jake Westbrook
Clifford Lee
Jeremy Sowers
Paul Byrd
Fausto Carmona
Adam Miller

This lineup is by no means static. In fact, this is only the lienup against righties; heavy platooning will factor into the lineup against southpaws. Between Dellucci and Nixon, the #2 and #5 spots will depend on each's production. Against lefties, Jason Michaels will take over for Dellucci in left and Blake will move to right. From there, it looks like Kelly Shoppach will catch against lefties, moving Victor Martinez to first. That is, of course, unless either Ryan Garko can prove that he can play a competent defensive first base, or Travis Hafner can prove that his elbow is healthy enough to play first. In that case, Martinez would stay at catcher and Garko would join the lineup. As of right now, though, it appears that Garko will begin the season in AAA. Also beginning the season in AAA is Shin-Soo Choo, a left-handed corner outfielder who has been pushed behind Dellucci and Nixon on the depth chart. Look for a big rebound this year from Jhonny Peralta. Last season, Peralta admitted to poor eyesight, but refused to wear the contacts prescribed to him. This offseason, he opted for laser eye surgery, although if he would have waited until April 10, he could have picked up some Wild Thing glasses. I kid you not. Peralta also claimed that his left arm was essentially paralyzed for the last two months of 2006; that condition has since improved, so look for Peralta's defense to improve with it. On the bench, as mentioned, look for Garko and Choo to start in the minors. There is a three way race for the utility infielder spot, and it appears that no on wants it. Joe Inglett has just returned from injury, and he was believed to be the third best of the three options coming into camp. Hector Luna flat out hasn't played well. Former Twins infielder Luis Rivas was playing well until he was sidelined by an injury. Perhaps that won't matter, though - with all the platooning, the utility infielder will be the only Indians player not to have a regular role against righties or lefties.
The rotation, at least the top of it, is rated by some experts as one of the best of the game. Cliff Lee will start the season on the disabled list; he will be replaced by the much-maligned Fausto Carmona. The crafty and wily Paul Byrd has been working on adding splitfinger pitch to his arsenal. Top prospect Adam Miller was untouchable in the big league spring training camp, but he will still start his season in the minors. The good thing about the Indians bullpen in 2006 was that, um, well, at least no one forgot their pants. This year Cleveland looked to improve their bullpen by signing nearly every reliever available. Originally, Joe Borowski and Keith Foulke we destined to fight for the closer's role. With Foulke's retirement, Borowski will now be the stopper. Supporting Borowski will be fellow veteran additions Aaron Fultz and Roberto Hernandez (who is only 19 years older than Sowers and Carmona). Effective side-armer Matt Miller will return from an injury. Fernando Cabrera, once this team's future closer, will look to bounce back from a rough 2006.

Kansas City Royals

Lineup
David DeJesus CF
Mark Grudzielanek 2B
Mike Sweeney DH
Reggie Sanders LF
Emil Brown RF
Ryan Shealy 1B
Alex Gordon 3B
Angel Berroa SS
Jason LaRue C

Rotation
Gil Meche
Odalis Perez
Luke Hudson
Jorge De La Rosa
Brian Bannister
Scott Elarton
Zack Greinke
Jimmy Gobble

This lineup doesn't look that much different from last year's, with two notable exceptions. Jason LaRue was picked up from Cincinnati. LaRue platooned with the Reds, and I wouldn't be surprised if he platooned again with last year's starting receiver, John Buck. Super prospect Alex Gordon has been named the starter at third base, displacing Mark Teahen. To keep Teahen's bat in the lineup, he will attempt to play the corner outfield spots. Considering Reggie Sanders' age and Mike Sweeney's injury history, Teahen should still see decent playing time. Angel Berroa has spent the last three seasons proving that he didn't deserve the 2003 rookie of the year award, and now he may be on his way out. Sports Illustrated went as far as suggesting that Teahen move to shortstop, even though that's a tough move up the defensive spectrum. The bench is highlighted by Ross Gload and Justin Huber at first; Huber played for Team Canada in last year's World Baseball Classic. In the outfield, Joey Gathright is perhaps the fastest man in baseball, but he's still trying to develop his other skills to complement that speed.
The Royals were criticized for spending big money on Gil Meche in the offseason. Like the Pirates, the Royals need that spending wisely is far more important than just spending. Meche may only be the third most important addition to this rotation, however. The Royals also picked up former Mets prospect Brian Bannister. And Zack Greinke, a year removed from serious thoughts of retirement, will hope to conquer his psychological issues to return as Kansas City's top pitching prospect. (Or, at the very least, their top pitching prospect not named "Hochevar.") After years of trying and failing with prospects in the closer's role, the Royals have picked up an established veteran in Octavio Dotel. If nothing else, Dotel has a reputation of warming the closer's seat for a future star. (See Lidge, Brad, and Street, Huston.) Supporting Dotel are David Riske, now playing for his third AL Central club, and a bunch of guys that not even I've heard of before.

North Carolina 60, Notre Dame Women's Basketball 51

Maybe this was how the season was supposed to end. The underdogs had overachieved all season. They pushed the mighty #1 seed to the limits, but in the end the favorites prevailed.
It didn't look like this would be a fair fight. Other than the diminuative Ivory Latta, everyone on the North Carolina squad had a distinct size advantage over their Notre Dame counterpart. Yet this was a very even game for the entire first half. The Irish were able to shut down Latta in the first period, holding her to a single field goal. But the Tar Heels wouldn't be a top seed if they didn't have other weapons, and those weapons made it a game.
Part way into the second half, local girl Charel Allen and senior Tulyah Gaines took their teammates on their shoulders. It seemed like Gaines was able to drive the lane at will. Offensive sets geared around cuts to the basket for easy layups was working to perfection. When Gaines couldn't find anyone with an easy look under the basket, she simply took matters into her own hands, and it seems like everything she threw up went down. Gaines finished with 8 points and 8 assists. Allen, meanwhile, was on a tear. When she wasn't driving for a short jumper, she was hitting money three after money three. Allen finished with 21.
But even as it seemed that the Irish had all the momentum, the tide was starting to turn in favor of the Tar Heels. UNC started using their size advantage, and managed to get both Melissa D'Amico and Erica Williamson in foul trouble. Ivory Latta had a terrible night from the field, but good scorers always find a way to put points on the board. In this case, Latta went to the line 9 times, converting 8 free throws. She had 17.
In the end, Notre Dame didn't have an answer to North Carolina's final run. What they do have, though, is a promising future. While this team will lose the experience of Crystal Erwin and Breona Gray, they will have Allen, Gaines, Ashley Barlow, Melissa D'Amico, Melissa Lechlitner, and Erica Williamson back a year older and wiser, and will see Lindsay Schrader return. The number 8 seed that the Irish received this year may be the worst they see in a while.

Notre Dame Women's Basketball 62, Cal 59

Editor's note: regular readers may scroll down to see the winner of this year's KankaNation Laetare Medal.



Notre Dame stormed out of the gates, playing like the team who had more tournament experience, even if most of that experience didn't come from its current player. The lead touched double digits, and things were looking good. Cal's top scorer Devanei Hampton was held to 2 points in the first half, and was sent to the bench with 3 fouls. But Cal wasn't going to give up easily, and forward Ashley Walker stepped up late in the half. She was the game's leading scorer at halftime, thanks to some points in the paint and several trips to the line. But by the intermission, the Irish lead was still 9.
It was Cal's turn to storm out of the gates in the second half. The Bears won the battle of halftime adjustments, as Walker and Hampton picked apart Notre Dame's 2-3 zone. ND's frontcourt for most of the game consisted of Charel Allen at the 3, Crystal Erwin at 4, and Melissa D'Amico or Erica Williamson at center. (D'Amico in fact got the start alongside Erwin to combat Cal's size.) Walker would take the ball down to the block on Erwin's side and move in until she drew coverage from the center. Then all she had to do was pass off to Hampton, who had a great size advantage over the slender Allen. When that didn't work, Walker and Hampton had great success taking 4-footers over D'Amico and Williamson. Walker also made 12 total trips to the charity stripe, converting 10. As Cal's momentum grew, Notre Dame's freshman inexperience started to show. Eventually the Bears took a slim lead before the Irish fought back.
The drama escalated with 31 seconds left. With a chance to ice it, Melissa Lechlitner missed the front end of a one-and-one, drawing the only reaction from her parents during the whole game. But Cal's golden opportunity was lost when Hampton lost the ball out of bounds under the basket. On the ensuing throw-in, Tulyah Gaines was fouled and made both free throws. But it wasn't over yet. Ashley Barlow, who finished with 10 rebounds, was called for a foul on what looked to be a clean block of a three point attempt by the Bears. The first two free throws were made, but the Irish gathered in the rebound after the third was missed. A long outlet went to Lechlitner on the breakaway. She had a chance for an easy layup with 5 seconds left, but with an impressive display of awareness she instead chose to dribble out the clock and wait to be fouled. With just under three seconds left, Lechlitner got her redemption by hitting two free throws to cap the scoring. With help from a 5-for-7 performance from the stripe, Lech finished with 12 points, second on the Irish to only Charel Allen's 13.

The Irish next face #1 seed North Carolina Tuesday night at 9 PM Eastern on ESPN2. Look for some familiar faces in the trombone section for that one.

Laetare Sunday

Albeit a few days late, for the second straight year Kanka's Sports Page is proud to announce the recipient of the KankaNation Laetare Medal. The KankaNation Laetare goes to the KankaManiac "whose genius has ennobled the arts and sciences, illustrated the ideals of Kanka's Sports Page and enriched the heritage of humanity." This year the award goes to two people, thereby assuring that I'll run out of people for the award within five years. But without further ado, those two are:



Dave (seen in the corner) and Klondike

It may or may not be a coincidence that these two were scheduled to come out to the Cleveland area this past weekend (East Coast Weather Bias be darned). Dave runs KankaMatic Fantasy Football, and has contributed several articles for the site. Klondike is the proud parent of the famous football countdown clock, and several other bells and whistles on the site.

Dave and Klondike are currently planning to receive their awards, which come in liquid form and have their own glass display cases, in person at a date yet to be determined.

MLB Previews...

will continue next week. Until then, check out the fine previews from The Dugout.

Georgetown 84, Notre Dame Men's Basketball 82

In recent years, the Notre Dame-Georgetown rivalry has meant one, if not multiple, overtimes. Friday night was the exception, as the game ended in regulation.
Early on, it appeared that overtime wasn't even going to be a question, as Notre Dame stormed out to a 14 point lead. But the Hoyas slowly fought back, sparked by Patrick Ewing, Jr. off the bench. (An aside: Junior doesn't really resemble his father when you look at him straight on. But if you look at the younger Ewing from an angle - any angle - you see that their heads are the exact same shape. Craziness.) At the half, the Irish lead was cut to 2.
The game continued to go back and forth until about halfway through the second period, when Georgetown showed why it is the number nine team in the country. Using a smart and deliberate offense, and an athletic and even smarter defense, the Hoyas pulled out to 7 point lead. The Irish countered with poor shots and sloppy passing.
Then Tory Jackson showed up. Jackson tied the score by singlehandedly going on a 7-0 run. Following an offensive rebound (he had 7 total rebounds on the game), Jackson almost made it a 9-0 run. That shot was missed, but Rob Kurz was fouled on the putback and made both free throws to give the Irish another lead.
The game was back and forth again until Georgetown had a 3 point lead with a minute left. Luke Harangody was fouled and made the first of two free throws. He missed the second, but the Irish got the rebound, and guess who! Jackson struck again to tie the game with 40 seconds left. Those two gave him 20 on the game.
Following a timeout, Georgetown milked the clock until there were about 20 seconds left. With 13 ticks to go, leading scorer (30) Jeff Green made a shot from the elbow and was fouled by Luke Harangody. Green missed the free throw, and Russell Carter got the rebound. Carter handed off to Jackson, who dribbled up the court.
At this point, the Irish were down 2. Was another overtime classic in store? When Jackson got to the top of the key with about 5 seconds remaining, he handed the ball back to Russell Carter. Carter launched a three that was off, and Georgetown was able to tip the ball around until time expired.
In the end, I'm not sure how to end this writeup. Notre Dame did blow a 14 point lead, had some very sloppy stretches, and settled for a wild shot at the end of the game. But at the same time, they took a top 10 team to the wire, saw their freshman point guard emerge as a game changer on the national stage, and solidified their spot in the NCAA tournament. From here on in, though, moral victories won't cut it.

MLB Preview #5: NL Central

St. Louis Cardinals

Lineup
David Eckstein SS
Juan Encarnacion RF
Albert Pujols 1B
Preston Wilson LF
Scott Rolen 3B
Jim Edmonds CF
Adam Kennedy 2B
Yadier Molina C

Rotation
Chris Carpenter
Kip Wells
Anthony Reyes
Adam Wainwright
Braden Looper
Brad Thompson
Mark Mulder

The lineup shows virtually no turnover from the end of 2006, when the Cards rode some momentum into the World Series. The only change is Adam Kennedy, who is a negligible change compared to Ronnie Belliard. Eckstein and Kennedy came up together in Anaheim, so if anything the St. Louis defense improves thanks to familiarity. Predictably, Tony LaRussa's bench is very veteran-heavy. Journeyman catcher Gary Bennett will back up Molina. Aaron Miles returns to the team, this time as the utility infielder. Playoff favorite Scott Speizio returns as well, as do Chris Duncan and defensive specialist So Taguchi in the outfield.
Where the turnover comes for this team is the starting rotation. Mark Mulder is out until at least July, and Jeff Weaver, Jeff Suppan, and Jason Marquis have bolted for other clubs. After Chris Carpenter, Kip Wells is the only established veteran on the staff. For all of Anthony Reyes' success in the playoffs, he carried a 5-8 record and 5.06 ERA in the 2006 regular season. Of course, Reyes has yet to make 20 starts in the Majors. Lost in the hulaballoo of Jonathan Papelbon moving from closer to the starting rotation is the fact that Adam Wainwright is doing the same. Wainwright has been groomed as a starter, so while he may not repeat his 3.12 ERA, he should still have decent numbers. The man filling the #5 spot is a surprise. Coming off of a year that essentially resurrected his career, BLooper will be asked to make his first start after 9 years after a reliever. The Cardinals can afford to move some relievers to the rotation, because they have faith in who's left in the bullpen. Jason Isringhausen is recovering from hip surgery, but should be back sooner rather than later. He'll be supported by the likes of ageless LOOGY Ricardo Rincon and the versatile Ryan Franklin who has logged 106 starts and 141 relief appearances in his career.

Houston Astros

Lineup
Craig Biggio 2B
Chris Burke CF
Lance Berkman 1B
Carlos Lee LF
Morgan Ensberg 3B
Luke Scott RF
Brad Ausmus C
Adam Everett SS

Rotation
Roy Oswalt
Jason Jennings
Woody Williams
Wandy Rodriguez
Brandon Backe
Ezequiel Astacio
Fernando Nieve
Jason Hirsh
Chris Sampson
Matt Albers

The Astros have a second baseman of the present in Craig Biggio, and a second baseman of the future in Chris Burke (who will play center after Willy Taveras was traded away). So it was interesting that second biggest offseason move was to sign Mark Loretta, a guy who's still better than most starting second basemen in the league. It will be interesting to see how Loretta is used. Granted, Biggio and Morgan Ensberg probably won't stay healthy all year. And while Adam Everett may be the second best defensive shortstop in the game, he carries a career on base percentage of .301. Of course, the Astros are rather thin in the outfield, outside of Carlos Lee, so Loretta could play first while Lance Berkman moves to center or right. In fact, I'd argue that that's there best lineup. But how will Mike Lamb and Eric Bruntlett, who both had respectable offensive years, fit into the mix? Will Jason Lane be the odd man out if he can't fight Lamb and Luke Scott for time in right? Or will Houston confuse everyone by keeping Orlando Palmeiro and/or Charlton Jimmerson on the roster?
The pitching rotation appears to be in good shape. After putting up a 58-56 record and 4.74 ERA in six years in Colorado, Minute Maid will look like the Polo Grounds to Jason Jennings. All Woody Williams did in 2006 was put up a 12-5 record at the age of 40. The last few spots may be up for grabs, but there are several capable players available to fill the spots. In fact, on paper this looks to be a marginally better team than the Cardinals. Of course, the games aren't played on paper. Brad Lidge will be back as Houston's closer, and all eyes will be on him. What caused his poor performance last year: confidence issues, or a windup that tips his pitches as he removes his throwing arm from the glove and brings it down by his hip? Lidge will again be setup by Chad Qualls and Dan Wheeler, and Mark McLemore (no, not that Mark McLemore will again try to make the opening day roster.

Cincinnati Reds

Lineup
Ryan Freel RF
Alex Gonzalez SS
Ken Griffey, Jr. CF
Adam Dunn LF
Scott Hatteberg/Jeff Conine 1B
Brandon Phillips 2B
Edwin Encarnacion 3B
David Ross/Javier Valentin C

Rotation
Aaron Harang
Bronson Arroyo
Eric Milton
Kyle Lohse
Matt Belisle
Elizardo Ramirez
Bobby Livingston
Kirk Saarloos
Homer Bailey

With both Wily Mo Pena and Austin Kearns gone, utilityman Ryan Freel will settle in in right field. Unless, of course, a challenger comes out of spring training. Former top pick Josh Hamilton has spent as much time over the past few years fighting drug addictions as he has playing in Tampa Bay's minor league system. (Tampa Bay, who has also drafted Delmon Young and Elijah Dukes, apparently feels that it needs to look past character issues and just take any talent it can get.) As a Rule V pick, Hamilton must stay on Cincinnati's 25-man roster for the entire season, and he may just earn his keep. Hamilton has been hitting the lights out in spring training, including some reportedly mammoth shots. Or maybe both Freel and Hamilton will play in the same outfield. Between Griffey's tendency to get injured, and Dunn's ability to play first base, the Reds have decided to go with a very deep outfield rotation that includes the additions of Bubba Crosby and Jeff Conine, and returner Chris Denorfia. Like the outfield, the infield will feature some familiar names. The Alex Gonzalez playing shortstop is the one who played for Boston last year and Florida in the years prior (as opposed to the one who played for the Cubs via Toronto). Brandon Phillips is expected to have a big year at the plate, even in spacious Great American Ballpark. Hatteberg, Conine, and Dunn will rotate at first, or so I would assume. Juan Castro will again be the utility infielder, unless Jeff Keppinger can push him from the spot. If the Reds carry three catchers, as they usually do, Chad Moeller will be backstop #3.
Aaron Harang had a 2006 that has laid the groundwork towards becoming a major league ace. Bronson Arroyo flourished after the move to the NL and a pitcher's park. Milton, Lohse, and Saarloos have the name recognition, but if they can't get the job done, it won't be long before Homer Bailey sees the mound in Cincy. Bailey was the number one pitching prospect in the game until he was recently passed (in some people's minds, at least) by New York's Phillip Hughes. Continuing the Reds theme of name recognition, closer David Weathers will be set up by Rheal Cormier, Gary Majewski, and Mike Stanton.

Milwaukee Brewers

Lineup
Rickie Weeks 2B
Tony Graffanino/Ryan Braun/Craig Counsell/Corey Koskie 3B
Geoff Jenkins LF
Prince Fielder 1B
Bill Hall CF
Johnny Estrada C
Corey Hart RF
JJ Hardy SS

Rotation
Ben Sheets
Chris Capuano
Jeff Suppan
Claudio Vargas
Dave Bush
Zach Jackson
Carlos Villanueva
Ben Hendrickson

The Brewers don't look as promising as they did a year ago, but they may still be able to compete in this division. Third base is a question, especially with Corey Koskie's injury. The Brewers can go with veteran infielders Graffanino or Counsell, or they could give top prospect Ryan Braun a shot. Adding Braun to Fielder, Weeks, and Hardy would of course complete THE MOST GAMMONSESQUE INFIELD EVER EVER EVER. Allowing for Hardy's contribution to that infield is the decision to move Bill Hall to center field on a "permanent" basis. Of course, he'll probably be needed elsewhere at some point, and in reality he's only keeping the spot warm for Tony Gwynn, Jr. (or Brady Clark if he decides to start hitting again. Corey Hart looks to get the full time nod in right, moving Geoff Jenkins back to his natural position in left. But Kevin Mench will compete with both of them for at bats. The edition of Johnny Estrada strengthens this lineup, and he will be backed up by former scab Damian Miller.

Chicago Cubs

Lineup
Alfonso Soriano CF
Mark DeRosa 2B
Derrek Lee 1B
Aramis Ramirez 3B
Clifford Floyd LF
Michael Barrett C
Jacque Jones RF
Cesar Izturis SS

Rotation
Carlos Zambrano
Ted Lilly
Jason Marquis
Rich Hill
Mark Prior
Wade Miller
Shawn Marshall
Angel Guzman
Carlos Marmol
Juan Mateo
Kerry Wood

I normally loathe the idea of batting Alfonso Soriano leadoff, but he did have a career high .351 OBP last year. And the Cubs don't have many other options, unless they go super-Moneyball and put Michael Barrett in the top spot, or elect to go with Matt Murton (not this Matt Merten) over Clifford Floyd (or over "fan favorite" Jacque Jones). But this is a nice lineup as it stands - especially when you can afford to bat Barrett sixth - unless you consider that they need to find a way to play four left fielders (Floyd, Murton, Soriano, and Jones). Soriano in center is sure to be an adventure, considering a) the wind at Wrigley and b) it's Alfonso Soriano. But other than that this team shakes down pretty well. For all the complaints over the Mark DeRosa signing, he did put up an .813 OPS, 13 HR, and 74 RBI in a full season of work last year. It will be interesting to see if Ronny Cedeno can even make this team after the emergence of Ryan Theriot. And it will be interesting to see how new manager Lou Pinella balances Barrett's top-of-the-line offense with Henry Blanco's top-of-the-line defense. (Hey, Barrett did play two games at shortstop for Montreal in 1999.)
After Carlos Zambrano, the rotation gets interesting. A thin pitching class led to big money for Ted Lilly and Jason Marquis, but can they be #2/#3 starters on a pennant-contending club? Assuming Rich Hill has the 4th spot locked up, who from the "cast of thousands" (to borrow a term from a beloved local celebrity) will emerge at #5? (Tangent: When Minnesota had the first overall pick in the draft a few years back, they were berated for passing up Mark Prior in favor of some local high schooler named Joe Mauer. But you know what they say about hindsight, sweetheart - everyone's got one of those.) The bullpen is in good shape, and returns a bunch of recongnizable names, including Ryan Dempster, Neal Cotts, Scott Eyre, and Bobby Howry. Some guy named Jeff Samardzija made the 40-man roster (and was invited to the big league camp, and was named the #80 prospect by Baseball America...), but he may have to settle in in the minors with Rocky Cherry. (And not only his his name Rocky Cherry, but his full middle name is "Ty." Gotta love baseball.)

Pittsburgh Pirates

Lineup
Chris Duffy CF
Freddy Sanchez 3B
Jason Bay LF
Adam LaRoche 1B
Xavier Nady/Jose Bautista RF
Ronny Paulino C
Jose Castillo 2B
Jack Wilson SS

Rotation
Zach Duke
Ian Snell
Paul Maholm
Tom Gorzelanny
Tony Armas
Bryan Bullington
John Van Benschoten
Shawn Chacon
Shane Youman
Marty McLeary
Sean Burnett

Finally, the Pirates make an addition that isn't overpriced and washed up. It cost them a star young reliever and a good shortstop prospect, but Adam LaRoche is a step in the right direction. (His brother is arguably better, but that's a story for another day.) If Xavier Nady can get healthy, then the run of Sanchez, Bay, LaRoche, Nady, Paulino, and Castillo actually looks pretty good. Jack Wilson (from Jimmy Clausen's hometown) was always known as a good field, no hit shortstop, but his bat appears to be improving just a little. And Duffy will have some competition (relatively speaking) from Nate McClouth and Jody Gerut (if Gerut's knees decide to start working again). Paulino's backup is Ryan (god_)Doumit.
The rotation starts with Zach Duke. After him... well... Ian Snell has a nice Dugout screen name... and Chacon is never as terrible as some people think... and Armas is supposedly having a good spring... and Gorzelanny and Van Benchoten are still supposed to be decent prospects. I'm not sure who will assume closer duties for the Pirates, but they do have Salomon Torres (who has become a good reliever 15 years after he was labeled a top starting prospect) and Damaso Marte, and John Grabow is coming off of a good season.

Bubble Watch

Notre Dame Men: The men have an RPI of 31, and 21 of the spots ahead of them are filled by at-larges. (That number changes to 22 if Butler loses tonight's Horizon League championship to Wright State, unless Butler would move below ND in the RPI as a result.) I'd say the men are safe.

Notre Dame Women: Like the men, the women are #31 in the RPI, but they have only 20 potential at-larges ahead of them. Although the women have one less at-large slot to vie for, I'd still say that they are safe as well.

Dave's Flight Watch

Three out of four sources from last week now have the men at a #6 seed in Lexington, meaning they would begin play on the 15th.

But just for fun, let's calculate the rough odds of Dave being in the air for both a first and second round game. Last week, I said that there was a 1/8 chance of the Irish being picked for a 7 PM game on March 16, when Dave is en route to Cleveland. For laziness' sake, let's say ND has a 50% chance of winning their first round game. There are two second round games at each site, and for the sake of argument let's say that one of those games will be played at 7, while Dave is flying home. That gives us a 1/8 * 1/2 * 1/2 = 1/32 chance that Dave will miss the entirety of both Notre Dame games.

(If anyone feels so inspired and has a calculator handy, here are some variables you can add for a more robust calculation: odds ND will be a 6 seed as predicted, odds that a 6/11 first round game will be played at 7 PM, odds that a #6 seed wins their first round game, odds a 3/6 second round game will be played at 7 PM, odds that Dave's flights will run on time.)

DePaul 76, Notre Dame Women's Basketball 71

Big East First Round

Editor's Note: I was only able to catch about 15 minutes of a close but otherwise uneventful 73-66 win by the men's basketball team over Rutgers. Dave was there, so I'll let him decide if he wants to do a full writeup.
The men next play in the Big East tournament. Notre Dame knows that it has a first round bye, meaning their next game is on March 8, but they do not yet know their seed. At the time of this writing, they stand in fourth place, half a game back of Louisville. But if Louisville loses at home on Sunday to lowly Seton Hall, the Cards and the Irish will have the same in-conference regular season record. Since Notre Dame beat Louisville earlier this season, the Irish would move ahead and take the #3 seed.

As Marquette is to the Notre Dame men, DePaul is to the Notre Dame women. By virtue of being nearby Catholic schools, Notre Dame and DePaul already faced each other on a regular basis. Now that the Blue Demons have joined the Big East, the rivalry has already intensified. ND and DePaul had already faced off twice this season, including once just this past Monday, and each time the home team won. This contest, at the ever-so-neutral Hartford Civic Center, would be the decider. To add to the intensity, at least from DePaul's perspective, the Demons were playing for a spot in the NCAA tournament, while the Irish were merely playing to improve their seed in the tourney.
The first half was predictably well-fought, albeit very sloppy. The Irish, led by Breona Gray's 12, took a 36-34 advantage into the locker room after a half that saw 10+ turnovers from each team. In the second half, DePaul came out like they had something to play for. The Demons built a double digit lead, and ND compounded the problem by panicking and forcing bad jumpers. Things were looking dire: Tulyah Gaines and Melissa Lechlitner already had 4 fouls, Gray had gone cold, Ashely Barlow was scoreless, and Charel Allen was uncharacteristically quiet.
Finally, with about 10 minutes to go, the Irish started to find success with their backdoor-cutting offense. Unfortunately, though, while they had started scoring again, they weren't yet making stops. Finally with about 6 minutes to go did the momentum began to turn. But I have to give major credit to DePaul head coach Doug Bruno in this one. Instead of waiting for Notre Dame to come all the way back, and then react, he cut the rally (or rallies) off before they could even start. Bruno called a time out the first time the lead was cut to 8, and then a few minutes later when the lead was first cut to 6, as if to say, "This is the break-even point. We're not going to let them get any closer than this."
Notre Dame did get closer, and at one point had the game tied at 66. Charel Allen took over the scoring, Ashely Barlow went on the hard-nosed attack on both ends of the floor, and Erica Williamson became a presence on defense. But the Irish were never able to take the lead after that point, and DePaul held on to win 76-71.

Other random observations from this game:

• Lechlitner is money on jumpers from just inside the free throw line. If she can build her game around that, she's in great shape.


• Barlow is listed at 5'9", and at one point she had to guard DePaul's 6' Jenna Rubino. Rubino looked a little more than 3" taller than Barlow, so I'm guessing that 5'9" is a little generous. (Of course, I'll probably walk by Barlow on campus one day and find out that listing myself at 5'10" is a little generous, but now I'm just getting off topic.) If Barlow was half a foot taller, she could easily become one of the most dominant forwards in the game. (See Parker, Candace, and yes I know I'm actually admitting to liking a Tennessee player.) But because she is a physical player that's good down low, it's easy to forget that she can also shoot from the outside and make her free throws very well. So maybe national attention still isn't out of the question.


• In case you couldn't tell, I think the backcourt duo of Lechlitner and Barlow will be very good in the years to come.


• Either she just had one bad game, or Melissa D'Amico hasn't yet learned how to use her size effectively. Her positioning was poor on defense and on rebounding opportunities, and that neutralized her height advantage. I'm not trying to call her out for poor play - like I said, she may have just had a bad day. I'm just saying that she has potential to use her 6'5" to a great advantage.


• At this point, I've already mentioned Notre Dame's other two promising freshman, and their other center, so Erica Williamson is probably starting to feel left out. As a freshman, Williamson isn't a finished product, but she did play well enough for a deserved spot alongside Lechlitner and Barlow on the Big East All-Freshman team. This is the first time three players from the same school have been named Big East All-Freshmen.


• It's amazing how Charel Allen and Russell Carter's careers have paralleled each other's. Both are athletic guard/forwards. They can make the three, but their strength is in driving to the basket. Two years ago, they were simply bench players with promise. Last year, they were the first option off the bench. This year, they're the energetic team leaders on offense. Even their stats are eerily similar: for the regular season, both Allen and Carter are among the Big East leaders for averaging almost exactly 17 points per game. Fortunately for the women, Charel Allen is only a junior.