Thursday, January 31, 2008

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

New York Knicks coach Isiah Thomas' 19-year-old son was arrested for underage drinking. His father immediately signed him to a six-year contract. The news is especially unfortunate because everything had been going so well for Isiah.

Heat center Shaquille O'Neal has indicated that he will keep playing basketball for at least two more years. The rap world is thrilled.

Nike's new Jordan 23s will cost $230 a pair. You may think that's extravagant but $115 of that goes directly to Michael Jordan's ex-wife. Wow, $230 for shoes. To afford that, you'd pretty much have to be a habitual gambler.

An arbitrator ruled that Terrell Owens owes the Philadelphia Eagles $800,000 in signing bonus money. Owens can earn this simply by skipping his next overdose.

Terrell Owens reportedly exchanged phone numbers with Paris Hilton in a Dallas nightclub, probably to discuss their mutual love of train wrecks.

Former Silver medalist boxer Amir Khan is already drawing big money and big hype, despite non-thrilling performances against ordinary opposition. Apparently "Amir Khan" is Pakistani for "Ryan Leaf."

And a group called is raising money to buy a professional sports team, and plans to let the fans vote on every decision. The group is based in Miami, but the Heat, Dolphins, and Marlins are not being considered. The point, after all is to buy a professional sports team.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit