Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Twelve Rough Translations Of The Things That The Spectators Are Yelling At You, In Increasing Magnitude Of Subtle Nuance
by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient
Editor's Note: Scroll down for Dave and my annual email exchange about the Baseball Hall of Fame inductions.
#12
What They Are Yelling: "Boo!"
Rough Translation: You just participated in something very bad. Intentions do not matter. Bad luck does not matter. Not being a savant does not matter. What matters is that you are entirely responsible for bad things happening, and that you must mend your ways immediately. From this moment forward, remember what you have just done, and take all necessary steps to ensure that it never happens again.
#11
What They Are Yelling: "Whoo!"
Rough Translation: You just did something very good. The spectators find this acceptable, and their collective expectations concerning your future endeavors have been raised. Remember what you just did, because you are now expected to repeat it unfailingly for the rest of your career.
#10
What They Are Yelling: "Defense!"
Rough Translation: Your opposition is maneuvering in a way that is disadvantageous to you. You must immediately ascertain how and why, and take appropriate mitigating action to the utmost extent that you are able. If the opposition's maneuvers are successful in any way, it is your fault, and you are a bad person.
#9
What They Are Yelling: "Throw the Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently have a ball of some kind in your possession. This is unacceptable. Get rid of this ball immediately. Do everything you can to get the ball as far away from you as possible. Propelling the ball with your arm(s) is fine, but dropping and/or kicking the ball will probably be frowned upon.
#8
What They Are Yelling: "Catch the Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently do not have a ball of some kind in your possession. This is unacceptable. Fortunately, there may be some kind of ball heading in your general direction. Position yourself in such a fashion as to intercept the ball. Once again, it is usually important that you do not subsequently drop or kick the ball.
#7
What They Are Yelling: "Run The Ball!"
Rough Translation: You currently have a ball of some kind at Point A. It is imperative that both you and the ball arrive at Point B as expeditiously as possible. Forget about your teammates, your game-plan, your coach and your mother; all you need to know is that you are at Point A, and this is unacceptable.
#6
What They Are Yelling: "Go!"
Rough Translation: Usually, this indicates that the situation you are in requires you to run as fast as you can. Do not stop. Do not think. Do not throw anything or look for anyone or wait for conditions to improve. Run, and keep running until an appropriate authority indicates otherwise. Alternately, this could be a general exhortation to succeed, but it is best to be safe and just start running.
#5
What They Are Yelling: "Go-Go-Go!"
Rough Translation: The situation you are in requires you to run faster than any human has ever run, ever. You should run so fast that you cannot stop without arrestor cables and drogue parachutes. You should run so fast that Zombie Einstein will have to come up with a new mass-energy equation just for you. If you have tunnel vision, it means you can still see, and you aren't running fast enough. Scream, if you like; if you run as fast as your situation requires, no one will hear you.
#4
What They Are Yelling: "Go For It!"
Rough Translation: You are currently faced with a number of options. One of those options involves an inordinately high degree of risk. This is the option you must take, regardless of the level of any possible reward. Success will validate the collective tactical genius of the spectators. Failure will be entirely your fault, because you are fundamentally incapable.
#3
What They Are Yelling: "Go! Fight! Win! Yay!"
Rough Translation: Those are not spectators. Those are cheerleaders. Get your head in the game.
#2
What They Are Yelling: "Get Him!"
Rough Translation: A member of the opposition is living, breathing, and doing something to further the designs of the opposition. He should be doing none of these things, and it is your task to make it so. Efficiency in this endeavor is good, but thoroughness is better.
#1
What They Are Yelling: "You Suck!"
Rough Translation: Your recent performance was breathtakingly abysmal, and the consequences are too horrifying to contemplate. Call your mother, your grandmother, a priest, the Whiskey Monster, and Santa Claus, but don't expect forgiveness because they will not give it to you. A Hall Of Shame will be founded specifically to enshrine your actions. This house of horrors will subsequently be closed due to the singular, unmatchable nadir of your atrocities, and finally burned to the ground in an unsuccessful attempt to expunge the disgrace that you have inflicted upon the world. You should move to a snow-blasted island somewhere in the Canadian arctic, because nobody will ever love you or accept you, or even acknowledge you as a fellow human being, for the rest of eternity.
Labels:
If Klondike ran sports,
Klondike
Dave and Kanka's Annual Baseball Hall of Fame Email Conversation
From: Dave
To: Kanka
10:28 AM
Hall of Fame announcements are today. Here's my ballot:
In:
Goose Gossage. Having not lived through his era, I didn't realize his greatness until I really started reading about him. Lots of things that can't be captured through today's conventional game.
Jack Morris. If I have to explain this again this year, then you clearly haven't been paying attention to my emails the last few years.
Close but no cigar:
Jim Rice. I wouldn't have a big problem if he got in, since he did have some dominant years, but I don't know enough about him.
Andre Dawson. He was really good, but when people say they're voting for him, they inevitably say, "he'd be a shoe-in if he wasn't hurt all the time." Umm, but he was, and it affected his body of work over the course of his career.
Todd Stottlemyre. Kidding, just seeing if you're paying attention.
From: Kanka
To: Dave
11:09 AM
Here's someone who's keeping track of published ballots:
http://www.meadowparty.com/blog/?p=118
Here's an abbreviated look at where I stand right now. My opinion may
or may not change over the course of the day:
In:
Gossage
Burt Blyleven - Very good for a very long period of time. I tend to
award longevity - hey, if you're good enough to stay in the league for
that long, you much be doing something right.
On the fence yes:
Morris - I know you're a huge fan. I just need to go back and check
my notes again.
On the fence maybe:
Rock Raines - Quietly put up big numbers for a long time. He won't
get in this year, but I'm curious to see how well he does.
I'm not allowed to comment since I'm on the committee, but he did play
for the Big Red Machine:
Dave Concepcion
From: Dave
To: Kanka
11:36 AM
Ummmm....what committee are you on that you can't discuss Dave
Concepcion?
I won't tell my grandkids someday about the greatness of Bert Blyleven
(nor would I had I actually seen him pitch, according to most things
I've read, so he's out. I dunno
From: Kanka
To: Dave
1:27 PM
That was a Joe Morgan reference. Every time he's asked about the Hall
of Fame, he always says, "I don't like talking about particular
candidates because I'm on the Veteran's Committee. But Dave
Concepcion should be in." It's a running joke on FireJoeMorgan.
Looking back at Blyleven's stats, he was good but not dominating. So
he's borderline too. I somehow can't find all of your old Jack Morris
emails. So in a nutshell, what's the argument again? If you're
putting him in just for the 10-inning playoff game, you might as well
induct the 74-76 Len Barker for his one perfect game.
From: Dave
To: Kanka
1:58 PM
Jack Morris:
254-186 lifetime, probably the best pitcher for the complete period
79-92. Yeah, borderline, but I still think he's a bad-ass
http://www.baseball-reference.com/m/morrija02.shtml
From: Kanka
To: Dave
2:25 PM
1979-92:
Morris: 233-162, 3378 IP, 2199 K, 3.73 ERA
Blyleven: 151-127, 2583 IP, 1791 K, 3.94 ERA
But Blyleven is older than Morris. Morris was 24 in '79 and 37 in
'92. Blyleven was the same age from '75-'88. During that time,
Blyleven: 174-151, 3126 IP, 2337 K, 3.58 ERA
Morris was a hoss, no doubt. But do we penalize Blyleven for playing
on crappier teams?
From: Dave
To: Kanka
2:31 PM
Alright, you got me. Although I still feel like I could someday talk
about how great Jack Morris was, while Blyleven just doesn't fell "Hall
of Fame" to me. So, to my fallback position:
"The only time I want to talk to a woman when I'm naked is if I'm on top
of her or she's on top of me."
-- Former Tigers pitcher Jack Morris on female sportswriters
From: Kanka
To: Dave
3:42 PM
Ah yes, I remember the quote. That puts him over the top.
If it makes you feel better, every time the Indians come to Minnesota,
both teams' announcers get together and talk about why Blyleven should
be in the Hall.
My final vote, since I'm soft:
Gossage
Blyleven
Morris
Raines
PS It's Gossage:
http://web.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers/voting_year.jsp?year=2008
From: Kanka
To: Dave
5:21 PM
Oh, and Buck O'Neil. Dah.
To: Kanka
10:28 AM
Hall of Fame announcements are today. Here's my ballot:
In:
Goose Gossage. Having not lived through his era, I didn't realize his greatness until I really started reading about him. Lots of things that can't be captured through today's conventional game.
Jack Morris. If I have to explain this again this year, then you clearly haven't been paying attention to my emails the last few years.
Close but no cigar:
Jim Rice. I wouldn't have a big problem if he got in, since he did have some dominant years, but I don't know enough about him.
Andre Dawson. He was really good, but when people say they're voting for him, they inevitably say, "he'd be a shoe-in if he wasn't hurt all the time." Umm, but he was, and it affected his body of work over the course of his career.
Todd Stottlemyre. Kidding, just seeing if you're paying attention.
From: Kanka
To: Dave
11:09 AM
Here's someone who's keeping track of published ballots:
http://www.meadowparty.com/blog/?p=118
Here's an abbreviated look at where I stand right now. My opinion may
or may not change over the course of the day:
In:
Gossage
Burt Blyleven - Very good for a very long period of time. I tend to
award longevity - hey, if you're good enough to stay in the league for
that long, you much be doing something right.
On the fence yes:
Morris - I know you're a huge fan. I just need to go back and check
my notes again.
On the fence maybe:
Rock Raines - Quietly put up big numbers for a long time. He won't
get in this year, but I'm curious to see how well he does.
I'm not allowed to comment since I'm on the committee, but he did play
for the Big Red Machine:
Dave Concepcion
From: Dave
To: Kanka
11:36 AM
Ummmm....what committee are you on that you can't discuss Dave
Concepcion?
I won't tell my grandkids someday about the greatness of Bert Blyleven
(nor would I had I actually seen him pitch, according to most things
I've read, so he's out. I dunno
From: Kanka
To: Dave
1:27 PM
That was a Joe Morgan reference. Every time he's asked about the Hall
of Fame, he always says, "I don't like talking about particular
candidates because I'm on the Veteran's Committee. But Dave
Concepcion should be in." It's a running joke on FireJoeMorgan.
Looking back at Blyleven's stats, he was good but not dominating. So
he's borderline too. I somehow can't find all of your old Jack Morris
emails. So in a nutshell, what's the argument again? If you're
putting him in just for the 10-inning playoff game, you might as well
induct the 74-76 Len Barker for his one perfect game.
From: Dave
To: Kanka
1:58 PM
Jack Morris:
254-186 lifetime, probably the best pitcher for the complete period
79-92. Yeah, borderline, but I still think he's a bad-ass
http://www.baseball-reference.com/m/morrija02.shtml
From: Kanka
To: Dave
2:25 PM
1979-92:
Morris: 233-162, 3378 IP, 2199 K, 3.73 ERA
Blyleven: 151-127, 2583 IP, 1791 K, 3.94 ERA
But Blyleven is older than Morris. Morris was 24 in '79 and 37 in
'92. Blyleven was the same age from '75-'88. During that time,
Blyleven: 174-151, 3126 IP, 2337 K, 3.58 ERA
Morris was a hoss, no doubt. But do we penalize Blyleven for playing
on crappier teams?
From: Dave
To: Kanka
2:31 PM
Alright, you got me. Although I still feel like I could someday talk
about how great Jack Morris was, while Blyleven just doesn't fell "Hall
of Fame" to me. So, to my fallback position:
"The only time I want to talk to a woman when I'm naked is if I'm on top
of her or she's on top of me."
-- Former Tigers pitcher Jack Morris on female sportswriters
From: Kanka
To: Dave
3:42 PM
Ah yes, I remember the quote. That puts him over the top.
If it makes you feel better, every time the Indians come to Minnesota,
both teams' announcers get together and talk about why Blyleven should
be in the Hall.
My final vote, since I'm soft:
Gossage
Blyleven
Morris
Raines
PS It's Gossage:
http://web.baseballhalloffame.org/hofers/voting_year.jsp?year=2008
From: Kanka
To: Dave
5:21 PM
Oh, and Buck O'Neil. Dah.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
The Class of 2008
We had excellent voter turnout this year, with 10 people turning in ballots. Due to the diversity of picks, I set 5 as the number of votes needed for induction this year. Without further ado, here are the four inductees, all of whom received exactly 5 votes.,
Charlie Weis, Jr.: Charlie Jr., seen here with his family, joins his father in the our Hall of Fame. Charlie Sr., class of 2006, and Jr. make up the first father-son combo in the HOF. Junior is an inspiration to high school freshman everywhere; his hobbies include philanthropy, breaking down game film for St. Joseph's high, and hanging out with Ellen's dad.
Fr. Theodore M. Hesburgh, CSC: As Andy said on his ballot, "The reasons are too numerous to list." If you haven't read God, Country, Notre Dame, Travels with Ted and Ned, or any of Hesburgh's other works yet, do yourself a favor and visit your local library right now. I don't even care if don't finish reading the rest of this column - go now! On a personal note, this is my favorite picture of Fr. Ted. And there are many to choose from. He's posed with popes and presidents. A picture of him and Martin Luther King, Jr., belting out a hymn at a Chicago peace rally, was just named a national treasure. Then there's the Time cover that I hope to have hanging in my house some day. Fr. Hesburgh - what else is there to say?
Patrick Hatton: The first recruit in what is already becoming a very impressive recruiting class of '27, Patrick very nearly made the Hall of Fame on his first try last year, missing by just one vote. The kid just turned two, and he can already yell for a loose ball, Hike Step, play trombone, and say "Kanka."
Peter Gammons: I'd like to thank Dave's influential voting block for helping to get Peter in the Hall. Without Gammons, my fantasy baseball team would probably be called Starkesquity, and that just doesn't have the same ring to it. A legendary baseball writer, Peter Gammons is one of the true inspirations for this site. I never got a chance to meet Kurt Vonnegut, and balked at my lone chance to meet Hal Lebovitz, so my next goal in life is to meet the man from the front of the $20 bill.
Here are this year's also-rans. As you can see, Fr. Sorin just missed induction. He and all of the other multiple vote getters will receive a carryover vote next year.
Charlie Weis, Jr.: Charlie Jr., seen here with his family, joins his father in the our Hall of Fame. Charlie Sr., class of 2006, and Jr. make up the first father-son combo in the HOF. Junior is an inspiration to high school freshman everywhere; his hobbies include philanthropy, breaking down game film for St. Joseph's high, and hanging out with Ellen's dad.
Fr. Theodore M. Hesburgh, CSC: As Andy said on his ballot, "The reasons are too numerous to list." If you haven't read God, Country, Notre Dame, Travels with Ted and Ned, or any of Hesburgh's other works yet, do yourself a favor and visit your local library right now. I don't even care if don't finish reading the rest of this column - go now! On a personal note, this is my favorite picture of Fr. Ted. And there are many to choose from. He's posed with popes and presidents. A picture of him and Martin Luther King, Jr., belting out a hymn at a Chicago peace rally, was just named a national treasure. Then there's the Time cover that I hope to have hanging in my house some day. Fr. Hesburgh - what else is there to say?
Patrick Hatton: The first recruit in what is already becoming a very impressive recruiting class of '27, Patrick very nearly made the Hall of Fame on his first try last year, missing by just one vote. The kid just turned two, and he can already yell for a loose ball, Hike Step, play trombone, and say "Kanka."
Peter Gammons: I'd like to thank Dave's influential voting block for helping to get Peter in the Hall. Without Gammons, my fantasy baseball team would probably be called Starkesquity, and that just doesn't have the same ring to it. A legendary baseball writer, Peter Gammons is one of the true inspirations for this site. I never got a chance to meet Kurt Vonnegut, and balked at my lone chance to meet Hal Lebovitz, so my next goal in life is to meet the man from the front of the $20 bill.
Here are this year's also-rans. As you can see, Fr. Sorin just missed induction. He and all of the other multiple vote getters will receive a carryover vote next year.
| Name | Total | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| Fr. Sorin | 4 | Without him I probably would have ended up at a place like Penn State or Boston college... actually, with those options, I might have just skipped college altogether. |
| Fr. Joyce | 3 | Rivals Barney Rubble and Robin for best sidekick ever. |
| Peyton Manning | 3 | |
| Sam Sanchez | 3 | |
| Buck O'Neil | 2 | This one's for Kanka. |
| Erin | 2 | Who is sadly missing from the message board. |
| Knute Rockne | 2 | FOOTBALL!!! |
| Mr. T | 2 | Crazy Man Pick |
| Rebecca Rose Hatton | 2 | New Member Pick |
| Adrian Peterson (MIN) | 1 | Fantasy stud. |
| American Flag guy from the road by WNDU | 1 | |
| Basil Moreau, CSC | 1 | |
| Blue-Cheese-Stuffed Olives | 1 | Beverage Garnish Pick: http://www.dibruno.com/Detail.bok?no=608 |
| Brady Quinn | 1 | |
| Buzzwinkle | 1 | Drunkard Pick: http://www.adn.com/front/story/9483457p-9394676c.html |
| Carl Monday | 1 | |
| Christopher Walken | 1 | |
| Coach Jackson (hockey) | 1 | |
| Crazy Moustache Guy | 1 | Moustache Pick: http://netramblings.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/moustache.jpg |
| Dave Schmitt | 1 | KankaMatic Champion |
| David Bruton | 1 | |
| David Wright | 1 | Favorite baseball player. |
| EA Sports NCAA Footbal series | 1 | There is no off-season. This series of games has fed our off-season hunger for college football just enugh so that we don't need a straight-jacket. Has led to a great deal of creativity and has sustained such imaginary legends as Sigmund Jalepeno. |
| Exavier "Nook" Logan | 1 | Editor's Pick (Klondike let me pick one name from the Mitchell Report, so I chose a name I thought he'd like. FP Santangelo is probably the coolest name on the list, but I figured it was too French Canadian-sounding for Klondike to like it.) |
| Gin | 1 | |
| Guitar Hero 3 | 1 | |
| Jerome Bettis | 1 | |
| Jessica Simpson | 1 | She's hot and helped the Boys lose to the Birds! |
| Kanka's Cell Phone | 1 | Beep boop bop beep boop |
| Ken Hanlon | 1 | Trombone Pick: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Trombone_Association |
| Kerri Hanks | 1 | |
| Mark McGwire | 1 | At least he admitted to doing Andro. |
| Matt Holliday | 1 | Helped me win a KM Baseball crown! |
| Michelle Weisenhoffer | 1 | She does flip throws, now that's cool. |
| Nachos | 1 | Mmmm. |
| National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So) | 1 | Entertainment Pick |
| Notre Dame Stadium | 1 | The House that Rock Built. Greatest place to watch a game, whether from the field or stands. Keeps the old school alive with the absence of video replay boards and with the school bands playing the only music heard during the game. |
| Pete Rose | 1 | Deserves to be in A Hall of Fame! |
| Puck | 1 | Beloved dog of Andy Wolkiewicz. He was a good, loyal, and faithful dog who wore his Notre Dame dog collar with pride every day for seven straight years. Passed away unexpectedly on December 29, 2007, likely due to complications associated with epilepsy. May he rest in peace. |
| Ronald McDonald | 1 | |
| Roy Williams (DAL) | 1 | Suspension for namesake penalty. |
| Sal | 1 | KankaNation Pick |
| Sammy Sosa | 1 | Hit #600. |
| Sean Connery | 1 | Classic Pick |
| The "enjoy" lady at SDH | 1 | |
| TO | 1 | Favorite football player. |
| Touchdown Jesus | 1 | This is probably the most famous mural in the United States. Gets plenty of TV time on Saturdays, even if ND isn't playing at home. |
| Trevor Laws | 1 |
Labels:
Brady Quinn,
Charlie Jr.,
Dave,
Ellen,
Erin,
Fr. Ted,
Gammonsesquity,
Hal Lebovitz,
Hatton,
KankaNation Hall of Fame,
Klondike,
Patrick,
Sal
Monday, December 31, 2007
Cleveland Browns 2007 Retrospective
A solid hit by a Titans DB on 4th and long solidified the playoff picture. Tennessee held on to beat the Colts 16-10 and move onto the playoffs, leaving the Browns at home. Who's to blame? Derek Anderson, for throwing away the Bengals game in week 16? The Colts, for resting their starters and refusing to use their last timeout to get the ball back?
I say neither. The Colts were obviously looking out for their best interests. If you want to be shortsighted and pick one moment that cost the Browns their season, you have plenty to choose from. Blame the defense, or coordinator Todd Grantham, for letting the Steelers come back. Blame the line for letting the Raiders block that last-second field goal. Blame the coaching staff and front office for naming Charlie Frye the week 1 starter; if Anderson had started that week, maybe he would have been better prepared against the Raiders. Heck, if you want to be more perverse, blame Frye for playing so well in the preseason and beating out Anderson.
In the grand scheme of things, seasons never really come down to one moment. Besides, there are many positives to take away from this season. At the beginning of the season, 8-8 looked like a stretch for this team, much less 10-6. Any team or fan would be and should be absolutely ecstatic that a first-year starting QB only has two bad starts. Yeah, the Browns went 10-6 by playing the weakest schedule in the conference. But now they have a young, hungry team that believes they can win.
Things look good in Cleveland. Sure, the Cavs need to work out a few kinks. (I'm from the school of thought that if you're not the most talented team in the league, you just need to put forth more effort than anyone else. Then again, I'm not an NBA coach.) Baseball Think Factory's ZiPS projections have some nice things to say about the 2008 Indians. I agree that they're a trade or two away from surpassing the likes of the Red Sox and Tigers in the AL. So again, optimism is the word in Cleveland.
I say neither. The Colts were obviously looking out for their best interests. If you want to be shortsighted and pick one moment that cost the Browns their season, you have plenty to choose from. Blame the defense, or coordinator Todd Grantham, for letting the Steelers come back. Blame the line for letting the Raiders block that last-second field goal. Blame the coaching staff and front office for naming Charlie Frye the week 1 starter; if Anderson had started that week, maybe he would have been better prepared against the Raiders. Heck, if you want to be more perverse, blame Frye for playing so well in the preseason and beating out Anderson.
In the grand scheme of things, seasons never really come down to one moment. Besides, there are many positives to take away from this season. At the beginning of the season, 8-8 looked like a stretch for this team, much less 10-6. Any team or fan would be and should be absolutely ecstatic that a first-year starting QB only has two bad starts. Yeah, the Browns went 10-6 by playing the weakest schedule in the conference. But now they have a young, hungry team that believes they can win.
Things look good in Cleveland. Sure, the Cavs need to work out a few kinks. (I'm from the school of thought that if you're not the most talented team in the league, you just need to put forth more effort than anyone else. Then again, I'm not an NBA coach.) Baseball Think Factory's ZiPS projections have some nice things to say about the 2008 Indians. I agree that they're a trade or two away from surpassing the likes of the Red Sox and Tigers in the AL. So again, optimism is the word in Cleveland.
Labels:
Cleveland Browns,
Cleveland Cavs,
Cleveland Indians
Thursday, December 13, 2007
National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Editor's Note: Here's a 2 1/2 month dump of the things. Don't forget to vote for this year's KankaNation Hall of Famers.
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Division III Sul Ross State University suited up a 59-year-old linebacker. And he was still better than everyone at Notre Dame. How bad is Notre Dame football? They've changed their name from The Fighting Irish to The Fighting French. Notre Dame is so bad that on Sunday, they held an emergency practice and lost.
Tiger Woods will take an extended break to spend time with his new daughter, who is already a better golfer than Michelle Wie.
The Phoenix Mercury won their first WNBA championship, by beating both WNBA teams that haven't yet folded. In an equally exciting story, I stubbed my toe earlier.
Major League Baseball hopes to have a blood test available next season that will catch players using human growth hormone. That sound you hear is Barry Bonds retiring. Bonds could conceivably pass the test - assuming it didn't work on cold-blooded players.
White Sox outfielder Jermaine Dye was spotted dining with Stevie Wonder and R. Kelly at a posh Chicago restaurant. Wonder was shocked, since he assumed that he was dining alone.
And a Florida Marlins season ticket holder was ejected at a home game for heckling the umpire too loudly. No word on yet what the Marlins will do to their other season ticket holder.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The San Francisco Giants dedicated a 10-foot by 70-foot mural celebrating the team's history in the city. The team hopes that next year it can find a big enough wall to accommodate the rest of Barry Bonds' forehead. The Giants also announced that they will not be re-signing Bonds. Let us be the first to say, "neener neener neener!"
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now marketing their own brand of hot sauce. The hot sauce is also terrible at baseball.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has suggested that his league is looking to expand into Europe, because he's run out of small southern cities that hate hockey.
Football fans are still reacting to Donovan McNabb's comments about black QBs facing more scrutiny than white QB's. Tim Couch, Joey Harrington, Rex Grossman, Eli Manning, Danny Wuerffel, and Ryan Leaf were unavailable for comment.
Kevin Everett, the Buffalo Bills player who everyone thought might be paralyzed, used his arms this week. To cover his eyes while watching the Bills play.
Six University of Texas football players have now been arrested since June. The Longhorns are hoping that things calm down so they can graduate and play for the Bengals.
Rockets center Yao Ming will miss the team's media day and first two days of practice to appear at the Special Olympics in Shanghai. Wow. We thought that was just a heavy accent.
The Houston Rockets have finally come to terms with Dikembe Mutombo, making him the oldest player in the league. Mutombo is so old that his first contract is on papyrus.
And in a case that's been all over the news, American cyclist Floyd Landis has been stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title. Thankfully he's Mennonite, so his relatives will never know.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Major League Baseball has set an attendance record for the fourth straight season. But the old attendance record was set by fans who trained naturally.
Barry Bonds made his last appearance as a San Francisco Giant. Wherever he ends up next year, you will still be able to see his head from San Francisco.
David Beckham returned to Britain after his father suffered a near-fatal heart attack. Man, that whole family will fake injury to avoid showing up to work.
A cheating scandal has ensnared 23 student-athletes at Florida State. The news shocked many who didn't realize the university still offered classes.
Notre Dame football is so bad that this week, they lost to the Mets.
The New York Giants set a team record by sacking Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb 12 times. McNabb spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton.
Due to the distraction, NFL cheerleaders are no longer allowed to stretch in front of any player except Jeff Garcia. Tom Brady must also stop impregnating them.
This far into the season and St. Louis Rams defensive end Leonard Little has no sacks or murders.
And Pat Bertoletti inhaled 21 pounds of grits in 10 minutes to win $4,000 in the World Grits Eating Championship. Bertoletti will be using the money toward his next triple bypass.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
All-time money winning horse John Henry passed away at age 32, just eight years before the Mets would have offered him a contract.
Speaking of things on their last legs, the Carolina Panthers signed 44-year-old quarterback Vinny Testaverde, and actually told people about it. Testaverde will be a great backup in case any of the coaches get injured.
Pothead Ricky Williams has applied for reinstatement after being repeatedly reminded to do so. Williams has said he'll work for peanuts. As well as twinkies and cupcakes.
Congratulations to Lorena Ochoa for becoming the first female golfer to win $3 million in one year. That will buy a lot of flannel shirts.
Admitted steroid user and Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones will compete next year after all, batting fourth for the San Francisco Giants. Jones' tearful admission of steroids is under review, as there's suspicion the tears were also not real.
And after a two-year absence from the NBA, Allan Houston is attempting a comeback with the New York Knicks, because they're not bad enough. If that doesn't work, he can always sign with the Carolina Panthers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Vinny Testaverde became the oldest starting quarterback to win a game in NFL history when the Cardinal defense was repelled by the smell of Ben Gay. Testaverde is so old he can still remember when Terry Bradshaw made sense.
A Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam began falling toward the field. The collapse was so sudden that viewers thought they were watching the Mets.
Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. The only thing more useless than Finland's army is the Portland Trailblazers.
NBA commissioner David Stern might punish the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual harassment suit. The punishment will be playing for the Knicks.
Boxer Marco Antonio Barrera retired following his lopsided loss to Manny Pacquiao. Most fight fans were stunned, figuring he'd retired before the fight.
A Pizza Hut promotion featured Lions receiver Roy Williams delivering pies. John Kitna tried delivering a few, but they kept getting intercepted.
And Pete Rose issued a public challenge saying that he will give $100 to anyone who sees him gambling. So Rose just bet that he wouldn't bet. Thanks for the $100, Pete. We'll use it to pay for our next trip to the land of irony.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Colorado Rockies fan offered 25 years worth of Playboy magazines for two World Series tickets. Two tickets? We find it hard to believe that someone with that many adult magazines actually has someone he can take to the game.
The Yankees heard of A-Rod's decision to opt out of his contract when agent Scott Boras sent a text message to Brian Cashman. This means A-Rod will most likely leave the Bronx, and Boras and Cashman are no longer BFF. And in case you didn't think Boras was a big enough jerk already, he signed the text message with a sideways winky face.
Retiring Houston Astro Craig Biggio was given the Roberto Clemente Award. Not for his community service, but for ending his career in a tailspin.
Pacman Jones is on his way to San Diego, hopefully to make it rain.
The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. In order to accommodate cyclists who aren't on HGH, the event's is now half a mile.
Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else's unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.
The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he's in Minnesota, he won't seem as fat.
And an ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren't bad enough, the extra driving added an additional half hour to the runner's overall time. The crew was immediately fired and replaced by Kenyans with rickshaws.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Utah high school football coach is facing charges of animal cruelty because he stomped a pheasant that ran on the field. This weekend, the pheasant is favored by three over Notre Dame.
A Kansas high school football team beat an opponent 83-0 last week. The blowout made the game as un-exciting as Kansas itself.
Spanish researchers say that beer is better than water for re-hydrating after a hard workout. Which is how John Daly won the 1991 PGA Championship.
Major League Baseball is considering installing instant replay in important games. That way Scott Boras has more time to hold press conferences. Boras client Alex Rodriguez might sign with the Chicago Cubs, where he won't even get a chance to fold in the playoffs.
The hapless Pittsburgh Pirates named John Russell their new manager. Yeah, that should do it.
Barry Bonds claims that he will not bring any baggage to whatever team signs him, especially since his baggage is now tiny and shriveled.
Sammy Sosa wants to play in the Major Leagues next year, as long as he can get at least $7 million. Apparently cork is more expensive than it looks.
Los Angeles forward Lamar Odom sustained a slight concussion in an automobile accident. Paramedics were called after Odom stumbled out of the car, thinking the Lakers had a shot at the championship.
And the NFL's oldest living player Sam Dana passed away at 104. Next week, he'll be returning punts for the Rams.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are shortening their name to the Tampa Bay Rays. The devil is thrilled to no longer be a part of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Wade Boggs helped the Rays unveil new uniforms and politely turned down the team's request to pitch.
A survey shows that it costs a family of four $453.95 to attend a Lakers game. Another survey shows that there is no such thing as a family of four in Los Angeles.
A Minneapolis real estate magnate expressed a desire to buy the Minnesota Timberwolves and pursue his love of amateur athletics.
When ESPN's Barry Melrose said the area around New Jersey's hockey arena was unsafe, he upset the local fans so much that they mugged him.
Dallas center Mike Modano broke Phil Housley's NHL record for career points by an American-born player. With seven. Being the best American hockey player is almost as cool as being the best Canadian baseball player.
Losing their final Orange Bowl game 48-0 was so embarrassing for the Miami Hurricanes, they have downgraded their mascot to the Tropical Storms.
Steve McNair has soreness in his non-throwing shoulder. Which could be either shoulder.
And the NFL will block 70% of U.S. households from watching the New England Patriot's final game by restricting the broadcast to its own cable channel. Luckily for fans, Bill Belichick will be taping it.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Alex Rodriguez said that his talks with the Yankees are "in the bottom of the fifth inning." Hopefully for A-Rod, the metaphor takes place in a regular season game. If the Yankees do sign the ten-year deal, it's mainly so they don't have to speak to Scott Boras for the next decade.
The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Unfortunately, John Daly was booked.
Michigan coach Lloyd Carr resigned after losing to Ohio State, calling it his most embarrassing loss of the last few months. Rumor has Carr going to Notre Dame next season. To play quarterback.
Ryan Leaf has surfaced as the quarterbacks coach for Division II's number four ranked West Texas State. Leaf has taught his team how to throw a spiral, throw a tantrum, and throw in the towel.
Mike Tyson has served a 24-hour jail sentence, where he was forced to eat prison food instead of Lennox Lewis' children.
New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket. Johnson later apologized for being a Knicks fan. The good news for the Knicks is that they got Stephon Marbury back. The bad news, of course, is that they got Stephon Marbury back.
And undefeated North Carolina won its fifth NCAA title in women's field hockey. When asked what she'll do next, the team MVP said, "I'm going to Lilith Fair."
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Two workers at the Mets' forthcoming Citi Park were injured on the job thanks to unsafe conditions. What they thought was a safety net turned out to just be a seven game lead.
The Los Angeles Dodgers will finally have a float in the Rose Bowl Parade. The float will probably run out gas halfway through.
Alabama football coach Nick Saban has been criticized for comparing his defeat at the hands of Louisiana-Monroe to Pearl Harbor. The only thing that should be compared to the tragedy of Pearl Harbor is the movie Pearl Harbor.
Rams QB Marc Bulger suffered a concussion. His condition worsened when he was reminded that he plays for the Rams.
Ricky Williams has put a book on his life story on hold. Problems arose when Williams kept rolling the manuscript.
Japanese gold medalist Mizuki Noguchi will wear a pair of shoes made of rice husks while running in Bejing. Noguchi hopes her rice shoes will help cool her feet while also reaffirming stereotypes. To combat this advantage, Ethiopia will be providing its runners with forks.
The NBDL began its seventh season this week. No one knows why.
Isiah Thomas said he's so confident that he won't be fired, he'll be groping a different employee each week.
And German pole-vaulter Yvonne Buschbaum will begin hormone treatment to become a man. Given the average physique of a German female athlete, treatment will be completed next Monday.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
New York Giants leading rusher Derrick Ward is out with a leg injury. Ward's leg is so weak, doctors briefly mistook it for Eli Manning's arm.
The Lions' Roy Williams may be out for the season. Detroit will have to replace him with one of their other 742 wide receivers.
Ricky Williams' season ended after he tore a chest muscle. Williams will spend the next few weeks trying to convince his doctor it was due to glaucoma.
Tom Petty will play at half-time of the Super Bowl, dedicating "Don't Come Around Here No More" to the Miami Dolphins.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR's most popular driver by internet users for the fifth straight year. Earnhardt is well liked by both NASCAR fans that own computers.
Tony La Russa pleaded guilty to driving under the influence. The Cardinal manager admitted to falling asleep at the wheel last year, and also driving under the influence.
Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods. Yes, Dick's bought Chick's. Every possible domain name for their new company is already taken.
Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they're already starting to smell like glue.
For the second time, Bobby Knight has been accused of shooting someone while hunting. Next week, Knight will be announcing his candidacy for Vice President.
And the New York Knicks lost to the Celtics by 45 points, barely beating the spread.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Job finding site Monster.com just bought a Super Bowl ad. Hopefully, Eric Mangini will be watching the game. Well, we know he won't be coaching in it.
Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own. Everett already has more mobility than half of his teammates. Everett first stood up during a Bills game - to change the channel.
David Beckham was given the job of the official backstage photographer for the Spice Girls, only to miss the concert with an injury.
Forbes named the New York Knicks the NBA's most valuable franchise. This thrilled the team's majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.
Goodletsville, Tennessee's Brandon Coppinger is officially the best NASCAR video game player, winning the EA Sports Craftsman Challenge. He is truly the best at simulating left turns. Maybe next year he can simulate kissing a girl.
Scott Niedermayer will rejoin the Anaheim Ducks after missing the team's first 28 games. Niedermayer wasn't retiring, he just hadn't realized that the NHL season had started.
And USA Today's staff has compiled a list of the top 25 college football games from the last 25 years and none of them involve the SEC. Even sadder? In the last 25 years, not one journalism department in the SEC has produced a student capable of working at USA Today.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Division III Sul Ross State University suited up a 59-year-old linebacker. And he was still better than everyone at Notre Dame. How bad is Notre Dame football? They've changed their name from The Fighting Irish to The Fighting French. Notre Dame is so bad that on Sunday, they held an emergency practice and lost.
Tiger Woods will take an extended break to spend time with his new daughter, who is already a better golfer than Michelle Wie.
The Phoenix Mercury won their first WNBA championship, by beating both WNBA teams that haven't yet folded. In an equally exciting story, I stubbed my toe earlier.
Major League Baseball hopes to have a blood test available next season that will catch players using human growth hormone. That sound you hear is Barry Bonds retiring. Bonds could conceivably pass the test - assuming it didn't work on cold-blooded players.
White Sox outfielder Jermaine Dye was spotted dining with Stevie Wonder and R. Kelly at a posh Chicago restaurant. Wonder was shocked, since he assumed that he was dining alone.
And a Florida Marlins season ticket holder was ejected at a home game for heckling the umpire too loudly. No word on yet what the Marlins will do to their other season ticket holder.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The San Francisco Giants dedicated a 10-foot by 70-foot mural celebrating the team's history in the city. The team hopes that next year it can find a big enough wall to accommodate the rest of Barry Bonds' forehead. The Giants also announced that they will not be re-signing Bonds. Let us be the first to say, "neener neener neener!"
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now marketing their own brand of hot sauce. The hot sauce is also terrible at baseball.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has suggested that his league is looking to expand into Europe, because he's run out of small southern cities that hate hockey.
Football fans are still reacting to Donovan McNabb's comments about black QBs facing more scrutiny than white QB's. Tim Couch, Joey Harrington, Rex Grossman, Eli Manning, Danny Wuerffel, and Ryan Leaf were unavailable for comment.
Kevin Everett, the Buffalo Bills player who everyone thought might be paralyzed, used his arms this week. To cover his eyes while watching the Bills play.
Six University of Texas football players have now been arrested since June. The Longhorns are hoping that things calm down so they can graduate and play for the Bengals.
Rockets center Yao Ming will miss the team's media day and first two days of practice to appear at the Special Olympics in Shanghai. Wow. We thought that was just a heavy accent.
The Houston Rockets have finally come to terms with Dikembe Mutombo, making him the oldest player in the league. Mutombo is so old that his first contract is on papyrus.
And in a case that's been all over the news, American cyclist Floyd Landis has been stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title. Thankfully he's Mennonite, so his relatives will never know.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Major League Baseball has set an attendance record for the fourth straight season. But the old attendance record was set by fans who trained naturally.
Barry Bonds made his last appearance as a San Francisco Giant. Wherever he ends up next year, you will still be able to see his head from San Francisco.
David Beckham returned to Britain after his father suffered a near-fatal heart attack. Man, that whole family will fake injury to avoid showing up to work.
A cheating scandal has ensnared 23 student-athletes at Florida State. The news shocked many who didn't realize the university still offered classes.
Notre Dame football is so bad that this week, they lost to the Mets.
The New York Giants set a team record by sacking Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb 12 times. McNabb spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton.
Due to the distraction, NFL cheerleaders are no longer allowed to stretch in front of any player except Jeff Garcia. Tom Brady must also stop impregnating them.
This far into the season and St. Louis Rams defensive end Leonard Little has no sacks or murders.
And Pat Bertoletti inhaled 21 pounds of grits in 10 minutes to win $4,000 in the World Grits Eating Championship. Bertoletti will be using the money toward his next triple bypass.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
All-time money winning horse John Henry passed away at age 32, just eight years before the Mets would have offered him a contract.
Speaking of things on their last legs, the Carolina Panthers signed 44-year-old quarterback Vinny Testaverde, and actually told people about it. Testaverde will be a great backup in case any of the coaches get injured.
Pothead Ricky Williams has applied for reinstatement after being repeatedly reminded to do so. Williams has said he'll work for peanuts. As well as twinkies and cupcakes.
Congratulations to Lorena Ochoa for becoming the first female golfer to win $3 million in one year. That will buy a lot of flannel shirts.
Admitted steroid user and Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones will compete next year after all, batting fourth for the San Francisco Giants. Jones' tearful admission of steroids is under review, as there's suspicion the tears were also not real.
And after a two-year absence from the NBA, Allan Houston is attempting a comeback with the New York Knicks, because they're not bad enough. If that doesn't work, he can always sign with the Carolina Panthers.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Vinny Testaverde became the oldest starting quarterback to win a game in NFL history when the Cardinal defense was repelled by the smell of Ben Gay. Testaverde is so old he can still remember when Terry Bradshaw made sense.
A Saints-Seahawks game was delayed for eight minutes when NBC's suspended Cable Cam began falling toward the field. The collapse was so sudden that viewers thought they were watching the Mets.
Blazers first-round pick Petteri Koponen has just completed his required six-month stint in Finland's army. The only thing more useless than Finland's army is the Portland Trailblazers.
NBA commissioner David Stern might punish the Knicks for being found liable in a sexual harassment suit. The punishment will be playing for the Knicks.
Boxer Marco Antonio Barrera retired following his lopsided loss to Manny Pacquiao. Most fight fans were stunned, figuring he'd retired before the fight.
A Pizza Hut promotion featured Lions receiver Roy Williams delivering pies. John Kitna tried delivering a few, but they kept getting intercepted.
And Pete Rose issued a public challenge saying that he will give $100 to anyone who sees him gambling. So Rose just bet that he wouldn't bet. Thanks for the $100, Pete. We'll use it to pay for our next trip to the land of irony.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Colorado Rockies fan offered 25 years worth of Playboy magazines for two World Series tickets. Two tickets? We find it hard to believe that someone with that many adult magazines actually has someone he can take to the game.
The Yankees heard of A-Rod's decision to opt out of his contract when agent Scott Boras sent a text message to Brian Cashman. This means A-Rod will most likely leave the Bronx, and Boras and Cashman are no longer BFF. And in case you didn't think Boras was a big enough jerk already, he signed the text message with a sideways winky face.
Retiring Houston Astro Craig Biggio was given the Roberto Clemente Award. Not for his community service, but for ending his career in a tailspin.
Pacman Jones is on his way to San Diego, hopefully to make it rain.
The Tour de France is expected to have a whole new look for 2008. In order to accommodate cyclists who aren't on HGH, the event's is now half a mile.
Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else's unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.
The Heat have traded perpetually out of shape forward Antoine Walker to the Timberwolves. Now that he's in Minnesota, he won't seem as fat.
And an ambulance crew who picked up a dying runner during the Chicago Marathon got lost on the way to a hospital. As if that weren't bad enough, the extra driving added an additional half hour to the runner's overall time. The crew was immediately fired and replaced by Kenyans with rickshaws.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
A Utah high school football coach is facing charges of animal cruelty because he stomped a pheasant that ran on the field. This weekend, the pheasant is favored by three over Notre Dame.
A Kansas high school football team beat an opponent 83-0 last week. The blowout made the game as un-exciting as Kansas itself.
Spanish researchers say that beer is better than water for re-hydrating after a hard workout. Which is how John Daly won the 1991 PGA Championship.
Major League Baseball is considering installing instant replay in important games. That way Scott Boras has more time to hold press conferences. Boras client Alex Rodriguez might sign with the Chicago Cubs, where he won't even get a chance to fold in the playoffs.
The hapless Pittsburgh Pirates named John Russell their new manager. Yeah, that should do it.
Barry Bonds claims that he will not bring any baggage to whatever team signs him, especially since his baggage is now tiny and shriveled.
Sammy Sosa wants to play in the Major Leagues next year, as long as he can get at least $7 million. Apparently cork is more expensive than it looks.
Los Angeles forward Lamar Odom sustained a slight concussion in an automobile accident. Paramedics were called after Odom stumbled out of the car, thinking the Lakers had a shot at the championship.
And the NFL's oldest living player Sam Dana passed away at 104. Next week, he'll be returning punts for the Rams.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are shortening their name to the Tampa Bay Rays. The devil is thrilled to no longer be a part of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Wade Boggs helped the Rays unveil new uniforms and politely turned down the team's request to pitch.
A survey shows that it costs a family of four $453.95 to attend a Lakers game. Another survey shows that there is no such thing as a family of four in Los Angeles.
A Minneapolis real estate magnate expressed a desire to buy the Minnesota Timberwolves and pursue his love of amateur athletics.
When ESPN's Barry Melrose said the area around New Jersey's hockey arena was unsafe, he upset the local fans so much that they mugged him.
Dallas center Mike Modano broke Phil Housley's NHL record for career points by an American-born player. With seven. Being the best American hockey player is almost as cool as being the best Canadian baseball player.
Losing their final Orange Bowl game 48-0 was so embarrassing for the Miami Hurricanes, they have downgraded their mascot to the Tropical Storms.
Steve McNair has soreness in his non-throwing shoulder. Which could be either shoulder.
And the NFL will block 70% of U.S. households from watching the New England Patriot's final game by restricting the broadcast to its own cable channel. Luckily for fans, Bill Belichick will be taping it.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Alex Rodriguez said that his talks with the Yankees are "in the bottom of the fifth inning." Hopefully for A-Rod, the metaphor takes place in a regular season game. If the Yankees do sign the ten-year deal, it's mainly so they don't have to speak to Scott Boras for the next decade.
The University of Alabama is looking into acquiring a live elephant for its football game day festivities. Unfortunately, John Daly was booked.
Michigan coach Lloyd Carr resigned after losing to Ohio State, calling it his most embarrassing loss of the last few months. Rumor has Carr going to Notre Dame next season. To play quarterback.
Ryan Leaf has surfaced as the quarterbacks coach for Division II's number four ranked West Texas State. Leaf has taught his team how to throw a spiral, throw a tantrum, and throw in the towel.
Mike Tyson has served a 24-hour jail sentence, where he was forced to eat prison food instead of Lennox Lewis' children.
New York Knicks radio announcer Gus Johnson was criticized for clapping every time New York scored a basket. Johnson later apologized for being a Knicks fan. The good news for the Knicks is that they got Stephon Marbury back. The bad news, of course, is that they got Stephon Marbury back.
And undefeated North Carolina won its fifth NCAA title in women's field hockey. When asked what she'll do next, the team MVP said, "I'm going to Lilith Fair."
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Two workers at the Mets' forthcoming Citi Park were injured on the job thanks to unsafe conditions. What they thought was a safety net turned out to just be a seven game lead.
The Los Angeles Dodgers will finally have a float in the Rose Bowl Parade. The float will probably run out gas halfway through.
Alabama football coach Nick Saban has been criticized for comparing his defeat at the hands of Louisiana-Monroe to Pearl Harbor. The only thing that should be compared to the tragedy of Pearl Harbor is the movie Pearl Harbor.
Rams QB Marc Bulger suffered a concussion. His condition worsened when he was reminded that he plays for the Rams.
Ricky Williams has put a book on his life story on hold. Problems arose when Williams kept rolling the manuscript.
Japanese gold medalist Mizuki Noguchi will wear a pair of shoes made of rice husks while running in Bejing. Noguchi hopes her rice shoes will help cool her feet while also reaffirming stereotypes. To combat this advantage, Ethiopia will be providing its runners with forks.
The NBDL began its seventh season this week. No one knows why.
Isiah Thomas said he's so confident that he won't be fired, he'll be groping a different employee each week.
And German pole-vaulter Yvonne Buschbaum will begin hormone treatment to become a man. Given the average physique of a German female athlete, treatment will be completed next Monday.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
New York Giants leading rusher Derrick Ward is out with a leg injury. Ward's leg is so weak, doctors briefly mistook it for Eli Manning's arm.
The Lions' Roy Williams may be out for the season. Detroit will have to replace him with one of their other 742 wide receivers.
Ricky Williams' season ended after he tore a chest muscle. Williams will spend the next few weeks trying to convince his doctor it was due to glaucoma.
Tom Petty will play at half-time of the Super Bowl, dedicating "Don't Come Around Here No More" to the Miami Dolphins.
Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been selected NASCAR's most popular driver by internet users for the fifth straight year. Earnhardt is well liked by both NASCAR fans that own computers.
Tony La Russa pleaded guilty to driving under the influence. The Cardinal manager admitted to falling asleep at the wheel last year, and also driving under the influence.
Dick's Sporting Goods has purchased Chick's Sporting Goods. Yes, Dick's bought Chick's. Every possible domain name for their new company is already taken.
Harness driver Tim Tetrick has broken the single-season record with his 1,078th victory. Tetrick has been riding his horses so hard this year that they're already starting to smell like glue.
For the second time, Bobby Knight has been accused of shooting someone while hunting. Next week, Knight will be announcing his candidacy for Vice President.
And the New York Knicks lost to the Celtics by 45 points, barely beating the spread.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait
Job finding site Monster.com just bought a Super Bowl ad. Hopefully, Eric Mangini will be watching the game. Well, we know he won't be coaching in it.
Injured Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett is now walking on his own. Everett already has more mobility than half of his teammates. Everett first stood up during a Bills game - to change the channel.
David Beckham was given the job of the official backstage photographer for the Spice Girls, only to miss the concert with an injury.
Forbes named the New York Knicks the NBA's most valuable franchise. This thrilled the team's majority stock holder, Anucha Browne Sanders.
Goodletsville, Tennessee's Brandon Coppinger is officially the best NASCAR video game player, winning the EA Sports Craftsman Challenge. He is truly the best at simulating left turns. Maybe next year he can simulate kissing a girl.
Scott Niedermayer will rejoin the Anaheim Ducks after missing the team's first 28 games. Niedermayer wasn't retiring, he just hadn't realized that the NHL season had started.
And USA Today's staff has compiled a list of the top 25 college football games from the last 25 years and none of them involve the SEC. Even sadder? In the last 25 years, not one journalism department in the SEC has produced a student capable of working at USA Today.
For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
It's Ballot Time Again
Once again, it's time to vote for the KankaNation Hall of Fame.
To view past inductees and voting results, click one of the links below:
Class of 2004
Class of 2005
Class of 2006
Class of 2007
List up to 10 people you think should be in the KankaNation Hall of Fame, and email to kanka@kankasports.zzn.com by 5 pm Eastern on December 31.
Those who receive a certain percentage of the vote (depends on how many ballots are received; usually 66-75%) will join the Classes of 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007. Those who received multiple votes last year will receive one carryover vote this year.
To view past inductees and voting results, click one of the links below:
Class of 2004
Class of 2005
Class of 2006
Class of 2007
Labels:
KankaNation Hall of Fame
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Ten Tragically-Overlooked Performance Enhancers, In Increasing Magnitude Of Performance Enhancement
by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient
Painter Stilts: These provide both an increase in stride length and a height advantage. The most obvious advantages would be realized by basketball players, but baseball outfielders and football receivers would also enjoy a significant boost.
Extending Boxing Glove: Knock that point-after attempt out of the sky. Can also be used in regular boxing to win the match without leaving the safety and comfort of your corner.
Pole-Vault Pole: Try tagging the base-runner now. Also provides a unique way of getting past the line of scrimmage. Good for some new and unique hockey penalties if used in a sufficiently unconventional manner.
Spooky Ghost Costume: Any antagonist off of the original Scooby-Doo cartoons would work. This will work in any position where speed can be sacrificed for intimidation. A defensive line, for instance, or any kind of goalkeeper. Watch out for meddling kids.
Chevrolet Monte Carlo: Any sport where speed is a primary necessity. Think about returning a punt or running the bases. Note: Such an enhancement is actually legal in NASCAR.
Trebuchet: The basic functionality has been proven for centuries. The opposing team's punt will look pathetic after your special-team launches the ball a half-mile. Is dodgeball a sport? Dodgeball is a sport. Sure, you can dodge a wrench, but can you dodge a three-hundred-pound dodgeball of doom?
Keanu Reeves: Unstoppable execution coupled with questionable physics makes Keanu Reeves a winning enhancement to any team sport. Warning: Slow-motion replays of Keanu's ultra-slow-motion moves may cause time itself to stop. Keep a crazy telephone booth handy at all times.
Cheerleaders: Many sports have tragically overlooked the benefits of cheerleaders. Baseball, soccer, lacrosse, wrestling . . . they are all begging for some sprightly ladies to really pump up that home-field advantage.
The CIA: Plant a mole in the opposing team's huddle. Assassinate the third-base coach. Enhance your own counter-espionage operations by planting false practice tapes. Extort some good players out of third-world dictatorships. The questionable pharmaceutical research is also a bonus, though screening potential drugs in the minor leagues first is recommended.
The Force: Really, what can't the Force do? You'll never miss a shot. Anticipation of your opponent's moves would be second to none. Cut through that defense with the ol' lightning-finger-zaparoo. No other wrestler could compete with your choke hold. Forget about Converse shoes; the Force really does help you run faster, jump higher, live longer etc. Possible side-effects include familial ambiguity, designs at galactic conquest, and turning into a shriveled, bitter old man.
Labels:
If Klondike ran sports,
Klondike
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Notre Dame Football 2007
Issue 11: Duke
Look for a big game from:
Labels:
ND Football,
Senior Tribute
Notre Dame-Duke Preview
Mitchell Blatt from the fine Juiced Sports Blog (do I have a link to them in my sidebar yet? I really should add one) graciously wrote up a preview for the ND-Duke game. I'm posting it here, so I can continue to whine about being too busy to do my own previews.
Read the entire preview at JuicedSportsBlog.com
Oh, the tradition. Notre Dame. Knute Rockne. Rudy Ruettiger. NBC.
Duke. Steve Spurrier starting his career there. Good basketball team.
Read the entire preview at JuicedSportsBlog.com
Labels:
Juiced Sports,
ND Football
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Eighteen Culinary Uses For Selected Sports Equipment, In Ascending Order Of How Much Of A Mess You Will Make
by Klondike, 2007 KankaNation Laetare Recipient
Editor's Note: ND 27, Navy 23
#18: Football Dial-a-Down
Ready for the second course? Dial up the "2" on this handy tool.
#17: Hockey Puck
Four of these will make a classy coaster set.
#16: Baseball Plates
A ready replacement for actual plates, as far as keeping food off the table is concerned.
#15: Baseball Catcher Chest Protector
Stitch on a phrase like "kiss the cook" and you've got a cooking apron. These can also be used to smother grease fires.
#14: Baseball Mitt
These provide much more protection than your average oven mitt. Especially useful when handling hot potatoes.
#13: Protective Cup
The breathable versions can be used to separate egg yolks from the whites. Non-breathable models can be used for anything from soup cups to sundae bowls. Gross.
#12: Football Helmet
You can use these for salad bowls in a pinch. Also good to wear for those weekend chefs that forget to close the cupboard doors.
#11: Basketball Shot Clock
Great for cooking things in 35-second increments. If you're a professional chef you only get 24 seconds.
#10: Fencing Foil
Use this to super-size that shish kebab. You can also use this to spit a roast over the bonfire.
#9: Cricket Bats
These are handy for cooking pizzas and loaves of bread in masonry ovens. You can also flip those burgers from three feet away.
#8: Hockey Stick
If you're looking for a unique sushi presentation, look no further. Also good for passing foods across the table.
#7: Fencing Mask
A perfect colander. These can also be used for other sieve-related tasks, like sifting flour or finding the ring you lost in the soup.
#6: Golf Putter
Golf isn't a sport.
#5: Tennis Racket
With a properly applied forearm, you can dice just about anything with one of these.
#4: Hockey Ice Skates
Cutting the cheese has never been so easy! These can also be used to stomp-chop fruits and vegetables Riverdance-style.
#3: Jai Alai Basket-Glove
These can serve mashed potatoes at speeds exceeding 180 miles per hour. They also allow for the hands-free consumption of banana splits.
#2: Soccer Cleats
Another culinary necessity, with uses ranging from mashing grapes for wine to turning pancakes into waffles.
#1: Baseball Bat
The toughest meat in your freezer can be tenderized with one of these. It also works as a juicer.
Editor's Note: ND 27, Navy 23
#18: Football Dial-a-Down
Ready for the second course? Dial up the "2" on this handy tool.
#17: Hockey Puck
Four of these will make a classy coaster set.
#16: Baseball Plates
A ready replacement for actual plates, as far as keeping food off the table is concerned.
#15: Baseball Catcher Chest Protector
Stitch on a phrase like "kiss the cook" and you've got a cooking apron. These can also be used to smother grease fires.
#14: Baseball Mitt
These provide much more protection than your average oven mitt. Especially useful when handling hot potatoes.
#13: Protective Cup
The breathable versions can be used to separate egg yolks from the whites. Non-breathable models can be used for anything from soup cups to sundae bowls. Gross.
#12: Football Helmet
You can use these for salad bowls in a pinch. Also good to wear for those weekend chefs that forget to close the cupboard doors.
#11: Basketball Shot Clock
Great for cooking things in 35-second increments. If you're a professional chef you only get 24 seconds.
#10: Fencing Foil
Use this to super-size that shish kebab. You can also use this to spit a roast over the bonfire.
#9: Cricket Bats
These are handy for cooking pizzas and loaves of bread in masonry ovens. You can also flip those burgers from three feet away.
#8: Hockey Stick
If you're looking for a unique sushi presentation, look no further. Also good for passing foods across the table.
#7: Fencing Mask
A perfect colander. These can also be used for other sieve-related tasks, like sifting flour or finding the ring you lost in the soup.
#6: Golf Putter
Golf isn't a sport.
#5: Tennis Racket
With a properly applied forearm, you can dice just about anything with one of these.
#4: Hockey Ice Skates
Cutting the cheese has never been so easy! These can also be used to stomp-chop fruits and vegetables Riverdance-style.
#3: Jai Alai Basket-Glove
These can serve mashed potatoes at speeds exceeding 180 miles per hour. They also allow for the hands-free consumption of banana splits.
#2: Soccer Cleats
Another culinary necessity, with uses ranging from mashing grapes for wine to turning pancakes into waffles.
#1: Baseball Bat
The toughest meat in your freezer can be tenderized with one of these. It also works as a juicer.
Labels:
If Klondike ran sports,
Klondike,
ND Football
Monday, October 29, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Assembling the 2008 Indians
I've had this idea in my head for a few days, and I see Blastings! Thrilledge already beat me to it. So let's build on their work and see what we can do for the Tribe. Part 1 will deal with the starting position players. Although I should warn you - this may end up being Part 1 of 1.
Sources:
Blastings! Thrilledge
Some Baseball Notes (2007 league average VORP by position)
Baseball Prospectus (2007 Indians VORP)
Cot's Baseball Contracts
Let's start with who will be back, either due to a long-term contract or the fact that they're not yet eligible for arbitration:
Dave Dellucci
Travis Hafner
Victor Martinez
Jason Michaels
Jhonny Peralta
Grady Sizemore
Josh Barfield
Kelly Shoppach
Shin-Soo Choo
Ryan Garko
Andy Marte
Franklin Gutierrez
Michael Aubrey
Asdrubal Cabrera
Ben Francisco
Brad Snyder
The Indians don't have any position players with player or club options for 2008. The following players' contracts expired at the end of this season:
Kenny Lofton
Casey Blake
Trot Nixon
Chris Gomez
Luis Rivas
Now, let's start with the obvious guys to stick in the starting lineup. Without looking at the numbers, who would you say was a sure bet? Martinez, Sizemore, Hafner, Peralta, and maybe Garko, right? Well, the numbers would support you. All five posted above-league-average VORPs in 2007, so we'll keep them around.
How do we fill out the rest of the lineup? If you add up the league average VORPs, and assume the DH league average (which was not listed) is the same as the first base league average, you get a total of 215.95. The total VORPs for our five "keepers" above is 193.6. If you'll believe my shady math, that means the remaining four in the lineup need to total 22.36 to equal a league-average lineup.
Before we go on, there's something I'd like to point out. VORP is a "counter" stat that takes into account how much someone has played. Put simply, a player who bats .300 for a full season would have a higher VORP than someone who bats .300 for half a season. Taking that into account, I'm going to do some more shady math to get Gutierrez and Cabrera's VORPs closer to full season numbers. Everyday starters had 600+ at bats. Franklin Gutierrez had 301 at bats, so let's multiply his VORP times 2 to get a full season value: 16.6. I'll be modest and multiply Asdrubal Cabrera's VORP by 3 to get 22.8. Those are both decent numbers, so they get to stick around, barring any sophomore slumps or the negative effects of their first full seasons in the bigs. Adding them to the lineup, we already have a team VORP of 233.
What do we do with the other two spots? Negative VORPs are possible, so we need higher (more positive) than -17 VORP out of the last two spots to come up with a lineup that's above league average.
Michaels and Dellucci signed decent sized contracts to platoon in left. I'm going to assume we're stuck with them. That gives us a team VORP of 233 + 0.4 - 3.4 = 230. Still above league average, so we have some wiggle room.
The biggest question is on the infield. Some people have already written off Marte, others have written off Barfield, and some have forgotten about both. Assuming Peralta and Cabrera are definites, that gives us two options:
(1) Barfield 2B, Peralta 3B, Cabrera SS
(2) Cabrera 2B, Marte 3B, Peralta SS
VORP does not take defense into account, and most statheads realize that there isn't a truly good way to value defense just yet. So let's stick to hitting. VORP does take position into account (you're rated compared to others at your position), so let's do some more shady math to convert Peralta's SS VORP to a 3B VORP, and Cabrera's 2B VORP to a SS VORP.
(Peralta SS VORP)/(lg avg SS VORP) = (Peralta 3B VORP)/(lg avg 3B VORP)
26.3/25.22 = x/26.19; x = 27.31
(Cabrera 2B VORP/(lg avg 2B VORP) = (Cabrera SS VORP)/(lg avg SS VORP)
22.8/22.69 = x/25.22; x = 25.34
Next, let's find Marte and Barfield's full-season VORPs. We'll take Marte's times 10 to get -40. We'll take Barfield's times 1.3 to get -17.68. So our two options are now
(1) -17.68 (Barfield 2B) + 27.31 (Peralta 3B) + 25.34 (Cabrera SS) = 70.33
(2) 22.8 (Cabrera 2B) -40 (Marte 3B) + 26.3 (Peralta SS) = 9.1
The overwhelming choice, then, is:
Huh. That gets us in at just under the league average. How can we improve it? Well, Martinez's numbers will probably go down, and Sizemore's might as well, but Hafner's are due to go up - that's just the statistical trend of reverting to the mean. Barfield is due for improvement as well.
Personally, I'd like to see Blake and Lofton back. Blake is selfless and will play any position you want him to. Plus, if you've read any interview given by him or Hafner, you can tell the two are good friends. But where do you put him? He's not going to replace Garko at first. Gutierrez is a great five-tool player, and it would be an insult to take away his starting spot after the year he had. You could keep the lineup the way it is - Cabrera 2B, Blake 3B, Peralta SS. But watching Game 8 of the ALCS showed that sticking Blake and Peralta on the same side of the infield is not always the best idea. Plus, you have to believe that Barfield's 2007 was only a fluke, and that Marte will finally live up to his hype sooner or later. Blake is worth more than the $4 million he was paid this year, so while he might not mind coming off of the bench as a super-sub, the Indians could definitely find a cheaper player to fill that role.
Lofton is a victim of numbers. He was added this year after Dellucci's season ended. Now both Dellucci and Michaels are back with guaranteed contracts for 2008, meaning there's simply no room for Lofton. Personally, I prefer him to the other two options. But from a business perspective, the Tribe is stuck with Dellucci and Michaels.
As for the other three, they served their purpose while they were here. Save the playoffs, Nixon's performance on the field was far from memorable. He did, however, keep the clubhouse loose, initiating the tradition of pie-ing the face of whichever player was giving the post game interview. That loose, fun attitude no doubt led to some extra wins. However, $3 million is steep for a pie-thrower. Chris Gomez was a playoff veteran signed for the stretch run. Rivas was infield insurance. That means both will likely be gone without a second thought.
Where do the Indians go from here? It looks like the Indians will need another utility infielder. This is especially true if Peralta makes the move to 3B full time, because someone will need to back up Cabrera at short. Marte and Barfield hurt their own cases by only being able to play one position. A fifth outfielder will also be needed both as a bench player and in case Gutierrez falters. Will that be Blake or Lofton after all? Will it be Francisco or Choo? Or someone else?
Sources:
Blastings! Thrilledge
Some Baseball Notes (2007 league average VORP by position)
Baseball Prospectus (2007 Indians VORP)
Cot's Baseball Contracts
Let's start with who will be back, either due to a long-term contract or the fact that they're not yet eligible for arbitration:
Dave Dellucci
Travis Hafner
Victor Martinez
Jason Michaels
Jhonny Peralta
Grady Sizemore
Josh Barfield
Kelly Shoppach
Shin-Soo Choo
Ryan Garko
Andy Marte
Franklin Gutierrez
Michael Aubrey
Asdrubal Cabrera
Ben Francisco
Brad Snyder
The Indians don't have any position players with player or club options for 2008. The following players' contracts expired at the end of this season:
Kenny Lofton
Casey Blake
Trot Nixon
Chris Gomez
Luis Rivas
Now, let's start with the obvious guys to stick in the starting lineup. Without looking at the numbers, who would you say was a sure bet? Martinez, Sizemore, Hafner, Peralta, and maybe Garko, right? Well, the numbers would support you. All five posted above-league-average VORPs in 2007, so we'll keep them around.
How do we fill out the rest of the lineup? If you add up the league average VORPs, and assume the DH league average (which was not listed) is the same as the first base league average, you get a total of 215.95. The total VORPs for our five "keepers" above is 193.6. If you'll believe my shady math, that means the remaining four in the lineup need to total 22.36 to equal a league-average lineup.
Before we go on, there's something I'd like to point out. VORP is a "counter" stat that takes into account how much someone has played. Put simply, a player who bats .300 for a full season would have a higher VORP than someone who bats .300 for half a season. Taking that into account, I'm going to do some more shady math to get Gutierrez and Cabrera's VORPs closer to full season numbers. Everyday starters had 600+ at bats. Franklin Gutierrez had 301 at bats, so let's multiply his VORP times 2 to get a full season value: 16.6. I'll be modest and multiply Asdrubal Cabrera's VORP by 3 to get 22.8. Those are both decent numbers, so they get to stick around, barring any sophomore slumps or the negative effects of their first full seasons in the bigs. Adding them to the lineup, we already have a team VORP of 233.
What do we do with the other two spots? Negative VORPs are possible, so we need higher (more positive) than -17 VORP out of the last two spots to come up with a lineup that's above league average.
Michaels and Dellucci signed decent sized contracts to platoon in left. I'm going to assume we're stuck with them. That gives us a team VORP of 233 + 0.4 - 3.4 = 230. Still above league average, so we have some wiggle room.
The biggest question is on the infield. Some people have already written off Marte, others have written off Barfield, and some have forgotten about both. Assuming Peralta and Cabrera are definites, that gives us two options:
(1) Barfield 2B, Peralta 3B, Cabrera SS
(2) Cabrera 2B, Marte 3B, Peralta SS
VORP does not take defense into account, and most statheads realize that there isn't a truly good way to value defense just yet. So let's stick to hitting. VORP does take position into account (you're rated compared to others at your position), so let's do some more shady math to convert Peralta's SS VORP to a 3B VORP, and Cabrera's 2B VORP to a SS VORP.
(Peralta SS VORP)/(lg avg SS VORP) = (Peralta 3B VORP)/(lg avg 3B VORP)
26.3/25.22 = x/26.19; x = 27.31
(Cabrera 2B VORP/(lg avg 2B VORP) = (Cabrera SS VORP)/(lg avg SS VORP)
22.8/22.69 = x/25.22; x = 25.34
Next, let's find Marte and Barfield's full-season VORPs. We'll take Marte's times 10 to get -40. We'll take Barfield's times 1.3 to get -17.68. So our two options are now
(1) -17.68 (Barfield 2B) + 27.31 (Peralta 3B) + 25.34 (Cabrera SS) = 70.33
(2) 22.8 (Cabrera 2B) -40 (Marte 3B) + 26.3 (Peralta SS) = 9.1
The overwhelming choice, then, is:
| C | Martinez | 55.0 |
|---|---|---|
| 1B | Garko | 27.8 |
| 2B | Barfield | -17.68 |
| 3B | Peralta | 27.31 |
| SS | Cabrera | 25.34 |
| LF | Michaels/Dellucci | -3.0 |
| CF | Sizemore | 53.8 |
| RF | Gutierrez | 16.6 |
| DH | Hafner | 30.7 |
| total | 215.87 |
Huh. That gets us in at just under the league average. How can we improve it? Well, Martinez's numbers will probably go down, and Sizemore's might as well, but Hafner's are due to go up - that's just the statistical trend of reverting to the mean. Barfield is due for improvement as well.
Personally, I'd like to see Blake and Lofton back. Blake is selfless and will play any position you want him to. Plus, if you've read any interview given by him or Hafner, you can tell the two are good friends. But where do you put him? He's not going to replace Garko at first. Gutierrez is a great five-tool player, and it would be an insult to take away his starting spot after the year he had. You could keep the lineup the way it is - Cabrera 2B, Blake 3B, Peralta SS. But watching Game 8 of the ALCS showed that sticking Blake and Peralta on the same side of the infield is not always the best idea. Plus, you have to believe that Barfield's 2007 was only a fluke, and that Marte will finally live up to his hype sooner or later. Blake is worth more than the $4 million he was paid this year, so while he might not mind coming off of the bench as a super-sub, the Indians could definitely find a cheaper player to fill that role.
Lofton is a victim of numbers. He was added this year after Dellucci's season ended. Now both Dellucci and Michaels are back with guaranteed contracts for 2008, meaning there's simply no room for Lofton. Personally, I prefer him to the other two options. But from a business perspective, the Tribe is stuck with Dellucci and Michaels.
As for the other three, they served their purpose while they were here. Save the playoffs, Nixon's performance on the field was far from memorable. He did, however, keep the clubhouse loose, initiating the tradition of pie-ing the face of whichever player was giving the post game interview. That loose, fun attitude no doubt led to some extra wins. However, $3 million is steep for a pie-thrower. Chris Gomez was a playoff veteran signed for the stretch run. Rivas was infield insurance. That means both will likely be gone without a second thought.
Where do the Indians go from here? It looks like the Indians will need another utility infielder. This is especially true if Peralta makes the move to 3B full time, because someone will need to back up Cabrera at short. Marte and Barfield hurt their own cases by only being able to play one position. A fifth outfielder will also be needed both as a bench player and in case Gutierrez falters. Will that be Blake or Lofton after all? Will it be Francisco or Choo? Or someone else?
Labels:
8th Grade Statistics,
Cleveland Indians
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Hindsight and Optimism
Lots of hindsight can be thrown at this weekend's ND-USC game. The first that comes to mind is starting Evan Sharpley, a guy who holds onto the ball too long, against SC's tenacious pass rush. But there's no use crying over that now. This is a program that has been wandering in the desert for the past 10-15 years, but there is reason for hope. For the first time in a while, we at least have a head coach that actually wants to go undefeated, and is willing to do anything within the rules and within his power to do so. Maybe it's a sad comment on the state of the program when simply having a coach who wants to win is a good thing. But so be it. It remains to be seen whether Coach Weis will be the next Gerry Faust, who loved Our Lady's University with all his heart but was severely overmatched making the jump from high school to I-A, or the next Dan Devine, who brought home a championship but never gained universal acceptance due to his ups and downs. The key barometer - besides wins and losses, obviously - is recruiting. How good will Coach Weis' recruiting class be after this losing season, or - Our Lady forbid - two losing seasons in a row?
Also in hindsight, Indians fans should have realized that Curt Schilling's first start of the ALCS was a fluke, and that he was coming ready to play in game six. Still, that doesn't mean the Indians are out of it yet. Momentum is a fickle thing. The Tribe took two of three in Cleveland. But if, instead of winning games three and four like they did, what if they had gone two for three by taking games 3 and 5, or 4 and 5 instead? They still could have lost game six and not felt out of it. What's my point? I believe it's that this series isn't over yet. (Yes, I am writing this before tonight's Game 7.)
But there's also reason for optimism among Indians fans. Despite what the national media and east coast fans may think, luck had nothing to do with Cleveland winning six of their first nine playoff games. This is a team that tied for the best record in baseball despite playing in a competitive division. They did so with two legitimate Cy Young contenders, and a center fielder, catcher, shortstop, and two setup men who are all among the league's best. Cleveland's insane numbers with two outs in the New York series may seem fluky, but not when you have a balanced lineup that's produced all year. And I'm sure Boston will tell you how much of a knock-down, drag-out fight this series has been.
But I have another reason for optimism. This Indians team is going to be around for a while. Even with the ageless Kenny Lofton on the roster, the average age of the team is 29. Of the Indians core group of stars, Rafael Betancourt is the old man at 32, and Travis Hafner is the only other one over the age of 30 (and he's been 30 for all of four and a half months now.)
So Go Irish, and Go Tribe.
Also in hindsight, Indians fans should have realized that Curt Schilling's first start of the ALCS was a fluke, and that he was coming ready to play in game six. Still, that doesn't mean the Indians are out of it yet. Momentum is a fickle thing. The Tribe took two of three in Cleveland. But if, instead of winning games three and four like they did, what if they had gone two for three by taking games 3 and 5, or 4 and 5 instead? They still could have lost game six and not felt out of it. What's my point? I believe it's that this series isn't over yet. (Yes, I am writing this before tonight's Game 7.)
But there's also reason for optimism among Indians fans. Despite what the national media and east coast fans may think, luck had nothing to do with Cleveland winning six of their first nine playoff games. This is a team that tied for the best record in baseball despite playing in a competitive division. They did so with two legitimate Cy Young contenders, and a center fielder, catcher, shortstop, and two setup men who are all among the league's best. Cleveland's insane numbers with two outs in the New York series may seem fluky, but not when you have a balanced lineup that's produced all year. And I'm sure Boston will tell you how much of a knock-down, drag-out fight this series has been.
But I have another reason for optimism. This Indians team is going to be around for a while. Even with the ageless Kenny Lofton on the roster, the average age of the team is 29. Of the Indians core group of stars, Rafael Betancourt is the old man at 32, and Travis Hafner is the only other one over the age of 30 (and he's been 30 for all of four and a half months now.)
So Go Irish, and Go Tribe.
Labels:
Cleveland Indians,
ND Football
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Notre Dame Football 2007
Issue 8: USC
No regular preview again this week (unless someone wants to write one). As an aside, I couldn't believe how lost I was watching the BC game after not previewing that game. I humbly hope that at least a few of my readers feel the same way.
We'll start with some news: Evan Sharpley will start at QB for the Irish, and unless John David Booty makes a semi-miraculous injury comeback, Mark Sanchez will call signals for the Trojans.
I will leave you some video inspiration, in honor of the 1977 Green Jersey Game, which will be commemorated this Saturday. First, some game clips from the BGS Video Vault. Second, with all due respect to Irish Round Table, Fire It Up!
We'll start with some news: Evan Sharpley will start at QB for the Irish, and unless John David Booty makes a semi-miraculous injury comeback, Mark Sanchez will call signals for the Trojans.
I will leave you some video inspiration, in honor of the 1977 Green Jersey Game, which will be commemorated this Saturday. First, some game clips from the BGS Video Vault. Second, with all due respect to Irish Round Table, Fire It Up!
Labels:
ND Football
Monday, October 15, 2007
Know Thy Enemy:
USC
According to USC Trojan
Adam Rose
Attak Kat
Boi from Troy
A Choad's Guide to USC Football
Conquest Chronicles
Crazy Trojan Musings
Daily Trojan
DC Trojan
The Displaced Trojan
Fight on Forever
HeismanPundit
I Can't Complain
Inside USC
Irish Trojan
It's a Definite Maybe
Lex Icon
Play Tusk!
SC Football
Scott Wolf Inside USC
Student Body Right
Talking Trojans
Tommy Trojan's Blog
Tribute to Troy
Trojans Football News
TrojanWire
USC Football Fan
USC Football Tailgate
USC Herd
USC Trojan Football
We Are SC
Fanblogs USC
FanHouse USC
Adam Rose
Attak Kat
Boi from Troy
A Choad's Guide to USC Football
Conquest Chronicles
Crazy Trojan Musings
Daily Trojan
DC Trojan
The Displaced Trojan
Fight on Forever
HeismanPundit
I Can't Complain
Inside USC
Irish Trojan
It's a Definite Maybe
Lex Icon
Play Tusk!
SC Football
Scott Wolf Inside USC
Student Body Right
Talking Trojans
Tommy Trojan's Blog
Tribute to Troy
Trojans Football News
TrojanWire
USC Football Fan
USC Football Tailgate
USC Herd
USC Trojan Football
We Are SC
Fanblogs USC
FanHouse USC
Labels:
Know Thy Enemy,
ND Football
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Boston College 27, Notre Dame 14
Quarterback: It's quite obviously a rebuilding year at this point. But here's the question: do you go with Jimmy Clausen (20-7-2, 60 yds), quarterback of the future, and let him learn the offense on the fly? Or do you go with Evan Sharpley (29-11-0, 135 yds, TD), whose experience and playmaking ability lets everyone else on the field learn the offense on the fly? In other words, yes we'd like Clausen to gain experience and learn the offense. But with Sharpley in there and able to throw the ball downfield more, the young receivers are gaining valuable live experience.
Running Back: BC has a stout run defense, and it showed. Not counting two sacks and an errant Geoff Price knee, the Irish attempted only 18 runs. James Aldridge ran 5 times for 17 yards, Armando Allen 3 for 9, and Robert Hughes 5 for 6. Allen added 3 receptions for 16 yards.
Fullback: Asaph Schwapp had a decent day with the ball. He had 1 carry for 4 yards and 2 receptions for 22 yards.
Receiver: In this game, Robby Parris may best be remembered for the 4th and 1 playaction touchdown catch that was called back due to holding, and remembered second best for a handful of near-catches and drops. But Parris still had a decent day, hauling in 4 receptions for 94 yards and a touchdown. Duval Kamara and George West had quiet days, with 2 catches for 19 yards and 1 for 3 respectively. David Grimes did not dress for this game.
Tight End: It was another decent game for John Carlson, but again not All-America worthy. The grad student had 4 catches for 29 yards.
O-Line: If you're looking for signs of optimism, all planned runs by the Irish at least got back to the line of scrimmage. The only time ND was stopped behind the line was on Price's kneel and two sacks of Evan Sharpley.
D-Line: Trevor Laws had another solid day, recording 11 tackles and a pass breakup. Pat Kuntz added 5 tackles while Dwight Stephenson got a hit on the BC quarterback.
Linebacker: Joe Brockington put in yeoman's work in this one. Maurice Crum missed most of the game with a leg injury, and Brockington was limping for most of the second half as well. But Brockington stayed in there, and led the team with 13 tackles. Stepping in for Crum, in a new position on the inside, Anthony Vernaglia had 5 tackles, one in the backfield. John Ryan added 4 stops and a QB hit. Meanwhile, the legend of Brian Smith grows. Smith only had 2 tackles, but also had a 25-yard interception return for a touchdown.
Safety: My dad commented that Tom Zbikwoski hasn't impressed him this year. Sadly, I would have to agree. Zbikowski had 6 tackles and a pass breakup, but he hasn't been playing with the killer instinct you'd expect out of a 5th-year version of number nine. David Bruton had 6 tackles.
Cornerback: The Irish played a nickel formation for most of the game, with two linemen, two outside linebackers in three-point stances, and two inside linebackers. The nickelback was Ambrose Wooden, who for better or for worse had 5 stops. Darrin Walls had 2 tackles and 2 pass breakups.
Kicker: Brandon Walker missed a 41 yard field goal attempt. He had the distance, but was wide right.
Punter: Price did have the key blunder of picking up a bad JJ Jansen snap with his knee on the ground. But otherwise, Price averaged 42.2 yards on 6 punts. And in Jansen's defense, this is likely the first time I've ever mentioned his name because of a bad snap.
Kick and Punt Returner: Armando Allen, Golden Tate, and Tom Zbikowski were all decent, but none could manage a return longer than 18 or 19 yards.
Special Teams: Irish coverage teams did a decent job, holding punt returners to 11.3 yards per and kick returners to 18.5 yards per.
Running Back: BC has a stout run defense, and it showed. Not counting two sacks and an errant Geoff Price knee, the Irish attempted only 18 runs. James Aldridge ran 5 times for 17 yards, Armando Allen 3 for 9, and Robert Hughes 5 for 6. Allen added 3 receptions for 16 yards.
Fullback: Asaph Schwapp had a decent day with the ball. He had 1 carry for 4 yards and 2 receptions for 22 yards.
Receiver: In this game, Robby Parris may best be remembered for the 4th and 1 playaction touchdown catch that was called back due to holding, and remembered second best for a handful of near-catches and drops. But Parris still had a decent day, hauling in 4 receptions for 94 yards and a touchdown. Duval Kamara and George West had quiet days, with 2 catches for 19 yards and 1 for 3 respectively. David Grimes did not dress for this game.
Tight End: It was another decent game for John Carlson, but again not All-America worthy. The grad student had 4 catches for 29 yards.
O-Line: If you're looking for signs of optimism, all planned runs by the Irish at least got back to the line of scrimmage. The only time ND was stopped behind the line was on Price's kneel and two sacks of Evan Sharpley.
D-Line: Trevor Laws had another solid day, recording 11 tackles and a pass breakup. Pat Kuntz added 5 tackles while Dwight Stephenson got a hit on the BC quarterback.
Linebacker: Joe Brockington put in yeoman's work in this one. Maurice Crum missed most of the game with a leg injury, and Brockington was limping for most of the second half as well. But Brockington stayed in there, and led the team with 13 tackles. Stepping in for Crum, in a new position on the inside, Anthony Vernaglia had 5 tackles, one in the backfield. John Ryan added 4 stops and a QB hit. Meanwhile, the legend of Brian Smith grows. Smith only had 2 tackles, but also had a 25-yard interception return for a touchdown.
Safety: My dad commented that Tom Zbikwoski hasn't impressed him this year. Sadly, I would have to agree. Zbikowski had 6 tackles and a pass breakup, but he hasn't been playing with the killer instinct you'd expect out of a 5th-year version of number nine. David Bruton had 6 tackles.
Cornerback: The Irish played a nickel formation for most of the game, with two linemen, two outside linebackers in three-point stances, and two inside linebackers. The nickelback was Ambrose Wooden, who for better or for worse had 5 stops. Darrin Walls had 2 tackles and 2 pass breakups.
Kicker: Brandon Walker missed a 41 yard field goal attempt. He had the distance, but was wide right.
Punter: Price did have the key blunder of picking up a bad JJ Jansen snap with his knee on the ground. But otherwise, Price averaged 42.2 yards on 6 punts. And in Jansen's defense, this is likely the first time I've ever mentioned his name because of a bad snap.
Kick and Punt Returner: Armando Allen, Golden Tate, and Tom Zbikowski were all decent, but none could manage a return longer than 18 or 19 yards.
Special Teams: Irish coverage teams did a decent job, holding punt returners to 11.3 yards per and kick returners to 18.5 yards per.
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ND Football
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Know Thy Enemy:
Boston College
Sorry, running behind this week, so no BC preview. Well, maybe a brief one. Big time passing offense, very good against the run, mediocre against the pass. Should be fun, especially if any of the current players are old enough to remember the last few contests. ND 23, BC 21.
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The Bricks House
Eagle in Atlanta
For Here Men are Men
Heights and Lows
News from the Hill
Fanblogs Boston College
FanHouse Boston College
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Notre Dame 20, UCLA 6
Quarterback: Sometimes you need to do just enough to win. As far as Jimmy Clausen is concerned, the important things I'm taking away from this game are his three QB sneaks. Only two were successful, but one was for a TD. More importantly, this is the first time I can remember Clausen running sneaks. This shows that he believes he has the toughness to get the first down, and that Coach Weis has faith in Clausen to execute the play.
Running Back: It was tough running again for the Irish, but James Aldridge did pick up 52 yards on the ground, and another 18 in the air. Armanda Allen added 19 yards on 3 rushes and 3 yards on 2 receptions. Allen also hit John Carlson on a ten yard pass late in the game. Is Allen becoming the poor man's Darren McFadden? Travis Thomas had another rough day, picking up 1 yard on two carries.
Fullback: Asaph Schwapp was finally able to gain some positive yardage, picking up 2 yards on 1 carry.
Receiver: Robby Parris started for the injured David Grimes and picked up 3 catches for 13 yards. Duval Kamara added 2 for 20. DJ Hord and Golden Tate each tried one "man on an island quick screen. Hord's went for 2 yards and Tate's for 0.
Tight End: They weren't All America numbers, but John Carlson's 6 catches for 38 yards are a sign that the star tight end is finding ways to get himself involved with this offense once again.
O-Line: The line is still a work in progress. Clausen was sacked 3 times, and the team only had 46 net rushing yards. But when the team was asked to just bowl over the guy in front of them, like on Clausen's sneaks or Schwapp's dive, they normally got the job done.
D-Line: Lost in the shuffle, Part I: Pat Kuntz and Trevor Laws both had big days for the Irish. Kuntz led the team with 8 tackles and knocked down two passes. Laws added 5 tackles, one of which was a sack, and also knocked down two passes. Dwight Stephenson made two stops in the backfield.
Linebacker: As Notre Dame was working on its offensive touchdown, I got a call from my brother. He's in the marching band, and they were on the way back to school from an away game. I needed to pick him up, but I figured that I would have enough time if I left at the end of the 3rd quarter (there were 3-4 minutes left in the quarter at that time. But after Clausen plunged in and Brandon Walker converted the PAT with under 2 minutes left in the quarter, I figured I could rush to my car and pick up the game on the radio. Once I finally found a radio station 10 minutes later, I discovered that I just missed Maurice Crum's fumble return for a touchdown. What a day for Crum. At the start of the game, I couldn't help but complain about his missed tackles. Boy, did he ever shut me up. After pulling a Tom Zbikowski and ripping the ball out of the UCLA back's hand, Crum also recorded a fumble return for a touchdown, 2 pass breakups, and 2 INTs playing deep zone in the fourth quarter. Crum had 80 return yards on the day, more than the Irish punt and kick returners combined. Oh, he also had a sack, part of his 7 tackles, which was second best on the team. I think you can qualify Crum as a "stat sheet stuffer," as he hit every defensive stat on the chart except for a quarterback hit (one that doesn't result in a sack) and a blocked kick. Joe Brockington added 6 tackles, one for a loss. Kerry Neal has continued to see his playing time increase. He had 3 tackles and recovered a fumble that set up a field goal. Anthony Vernaglia quietly added 4 tackles. Brian Smith recorded his first career sack, while John Ryan notched yet another. Toryan Smith added a tackle for a loss. Notre Dame had 9 stops in the backfield in this game, and not all of those can be blamed on a freshman walk-on quarterback.
Safety: Lost in the shuffle, Part II: Both safeties had themselves solid games. David Bruton probably deserves honorable mention on the horse trailer, both for his interception, and for his big hits on special teams that stopped several Bruins returns before they even started. Tom Zbikowski had 5 tackles, including the sack that led to a fumble and an injured quarterback.
Cornerback: Darrin Walls did a great job of breaking up a pass in the endzone, but apparently wasn't credited with an official "pass breakup." Ambrose Wooden, taking advantage of playing time due to UCLA's multiple receiver sets, recorded 6 tackles. Terrail Lambert recorded an interception in the 4th quarter.
Kicker: Lost in the shuffle, Part III: Brandon Walker had a solid day all around, kicking two PATs and hitting both of his field goal attempts. The 26-yarder was nice, but the 48-yarder was downright impressive. Has Coach Weis finally found his kicker?
Punter: Lost in the shuffle, Part IV: A week after being benched for inconsistency, Geoff Price was back punting, and punting well. Price booted the ball 9 times for an average of 40.3 yards and a long of 48. He was solid during a game when an early shanked punt could have easily changed the momentum of this game.
Kick Returner: Armando Allen handled all three kickoff returns, averaging 24 yards per with a long of 31.
Punt Returner: Tom Zbikowski returned two punts a total of 1 yard.
Special Teams: The Irish held UCLA to a 20 yard average on kickoffs and a 2 yard average on punts. Impressively, UCLA was only able to attempt returns on 2 of Price's 9 punts.
Running Back: It was tough running again for the Irish, but James Aldridge did pick up 52 yards on the ground, and another 18 in the air. Armanda Allen added 19 yards on 3 rushes and 3 yards on 2 receptions. Allen also hit John Carlson on a ten yard pass late in the game. Is Allen becoming the poor man's Darren McFadden? Travis Thomas had another rough day, picking up 1 yard on two carries.
Fullback: Asaph Schwapp was finally able to gain some positive yardage, picking up 2 yards on 1 carry.
Receiver: Robby Parris started for the injured David Grimes and picked up 3 catches for 13 yards. Duval Kamara added 2 for 20. DJ Hord and Golden Tate each tried one "man on an island quick screen. Hord's went for 2 yards and Tate's for 0.
Tight End: They weren't All America numbers, but John Carlson's 6 catches for 38 yards are a sign that the star tight end is finding ways to get himself involved with this offense once again.
O-Line: The line is still a work in progress. Clausen was sacked 3 times, and the team only had 46 net rushing yards. But when the team was asked to just bowl over the guy in front of them, like on Clausen's sneaks or Schwapp's dive, they normally got the job done.
D-Line: Lost in the shuffle, Part I: Pat Kuntz and Trevor Laws both had big days for the Irish. Kuntz led the team with 8 tackles and knocked down two passes. Laws added 5 tackles, one of which was a sack, and also knocked down two passes. Dwight Stephenson made two stops in the backfield.
Linebacker: As Notre Dame was working on its offensive touchdown, I got a call from my brother. He's in the marching band, and they were on the way back to school from an away game. I needed to pick him up, but I figured that I would have enough time if I left at the end of the 3rd quarter (there were 3-4 minutes left in the quarter at that time. But after Clausen plunged in and Brandon Walker converted the PAT with under 2 minutes left in the quarter, I figured I could rush to my car and pick up the game on the radio. Once I finally found a radio station 10 minutes later, I discovered that I just missed Maurice Crum's fumble return for a touchdown. What a day for Crum. At the start of the game, I couldn't help but complain about his missed tackles. Boy, did he ever shut me up. After pulling a Tom Zbikowski and ripping the ball out of the UCLA back's hand, Crum also recorded a fumble return for a touchdown, 2 pass breakups, and 2 INTs playing deep zone in the fourth quarter. Crum had 80 return yards on the day, more than the Irish punt and kick returners combined. Oh, he also had a sack, part of his 7 tackles, which was second best on the team. I think you can qualify Crum as a "stat sheet stuffer," as he hit every defensive stat on the chart except for a quarterback hit (one that doesn't result in a sack) and a blocked kick. Joe Brockington added 6 tackles, one for a loss. Kerry Neal has continued to see his playing time increase. He had 3 tackles and recovered a fumble that set up a field goal. Anthony Vernaglia quietly added 4 tackles. Brian Smith recorded his first career sack, while John Ryan notched yet another. Toryan Smith added a tackle for a loss. Notre Dame had 9 stops in the backfield in this game, and not all of those can be blamed on a freshman walk-on quarterback.
Safety: Lost in the shuffle, Part II: Both safeties had themselves solid games. David Bruton probably deserves honorable mention on the horse trailer, both for his interception, and for his big hits on special teams that stopped several Bruins returns before they even started. Tom Zbikowski had 5 tackles, including the sack that led to a fumble and an injured quarterback.
Cornerback: Darrin Walls did a great job of breaking up a pass in the endzone, but apparently wasn't credited with an official "pass breakup." Ambrose Wooden, taking advantage of playing time due to UCLA's multiple receiver sets, recorded 6 tackles. Terrail Lambert recorded an interception in the 4th quarter.
Kicker: Lost in the shuffle, Part III: Brandon Walker had a solid day all around, kicking two PATs and hitting both of his field goal attempts. The 26-yarder was nice, but the 48-yarder was downright impressive. Has Coach Weis finally found his kicker?
Punter: Lost in the shuffle, Part IV: A week after being benched for inconsistency, Geoff Price was back punting, and punting well. Price booted the ball 9 times for an average of 40.3 yards and a long of 48. He was solid during a game when an early shanked punt could have easily changed the momentum of this game.
Kick Returner: Armando Allen handled all three kickoff returns, averaging 24 yards per with a long of 31.
Punt Returner: Tom Zbikowski returned two punts a total of 1 yard.
Special Teams: The Irish held UCLA to a 20 yard average on kickoffs and a 2 yard average on punts. Impressively, UCLA was only able to attempt returns on 2 of Price's 9 punts.
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ND Football
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Notre Dame Football 2007
Issue 6: UCLA
Sorry for the abbreviated preview; it's midterm week. Oh, and the baseball playoffs are on.
Trevor Laws now leads the Irish in total tackles with 41, and in tackles for a loss with 4.5. Maurice Crum is second on the team with 20 tackles, and Joe Brockington is right behind with 38.
Linbackers 51 Reggie Carter and 55 Korey Bosworth each have 4 tackles for a loss, trailing only DE 44 Bruce Davis. UCLA's top three tacklers are defensive backs, which would normally be a good sign to opposing running backs. But the Bruins have had a very good run defense, holding opponents to only 89 yards per game.
Notre Dame is holding opponents to 145 passing yards per game. David Bruton, Tom Zbikowski, Darrin walls, and Kyle McCarthy each have an interception, and John Ryan leads the team with 1.5 sacks.
UCLA is giving up 273 passing yards per game, so you can definitely throw on them. But don't throw in the direction of CB 23 Trey Brown, who already has 3 interceptions. DE Bruce Davis leads the team with 3.5 sacks. Eleven Bruins have recorded at least a partial sack. The Irish offensive line will need to step it up in this one, and Clausen or Sharpley will need to remain on their toes. Considering Clausen's possible injuries and Sharpley's tendency to hold onto the ball too long, that could spell trouble once again for Notre Dame.
Look for a big game from Clausen, Parris, Kamara, Laws, Bruton.
ND 24, UCLA 21: UCLA's defense will give up some points. ND just has to stop their offense.
UCLA Rush Offense vs. ND Rush Defense
36 Khalil Bell and 28 Chris Markey have shared time for the Bruins. Bell is averaging 20 rushers and 104 yards per game, while Markey is averaging 16 and 81. Bell has 4 rushing TDs to Markey's 3.Trevor Laws now leads the Irish in total tackles with 41, and in tackles for a loss with 4.5. Maurice Crum is second on the team with 20 tackles, and Joe Brockington is right behind with 38.
ND Rush Offense vs. UCLA Rush Defense
James Aldridge is starting to see more and more carries for the Irish. He's now averaging 8 rushes and 43 yards per game. Armando Allen is averaging 6 and 20. Robert Hughes is trying to become the short yardage back; he's averaging 4.7 yards per carry. Travis Thomas has struggled, averaging just 1.2 yards per carry.Linbackers 51 Reggie Carter and 55 Korey Bosworth each have 4 tackles for a loss, trailing only DE 44 Bruce Davis. UCLA's top three tacklers are defensive backs, which would normally be a good sign to opposing running backs. But the Bruins have had a very good run defense, holding opponents to only 89 yards per game.
UCLA Pass Offense vs. ND Pass Defense
7 Ben Olson has established himself as UCLA's starter, but his numbers have been less than impressive. On an average day, Olson completes 16 of 30 passes for 230 yards, with a TD and an interception. He's completing only 51.6% of his passes this year. WR 1 Brandon Breazell is averaging 4-5 catches and 80 yards per game. Fellow WR 26 Joe Cowan and 9 Marcus Everett are the only other Bruins with double digit receptions. Cowan and 19 Dominique Johnson each have 2 TD receptions. There's definitely a pattern here: all of UCLA's reception leaders are wideouts; no tight ends, no backs.Notre Dame is holding opponents to 145 passing yards per game. David Bruton, Tom Zbikowski, Darrin walls, and Kyle McCarthy each have an interception, and John Ryan leads the team with 1.5 sacks.
ND Pass Offense vs. UCLA Pass Defense
The only way Jimmy Clausen doesn't play is if he still can't plant his left foot comfortably. Classen and Evan Sharpley are each completing over 60% of their passes, for 164 yards per game. David Grimes, the team leader in catches with 15, is quesitonable for this game. That leaves George West (13 catches), John Carlson (12), and talented freshmen Robby Parris (12), Duval Kamara (11), and Golden Tate (3) to step up.UCLA is giving up 273 passing yards per game, so you can definitely throw on them. But don't throw in the direction of CB 23 Trey Brown, who already has 3 interceptions. DE Bruce Davis leads the team with 3.5 sacks. Eleven Bruins have recorded at least a partial sack. The Irish offensive line will need to step it up in this one, and Clausen or Sharpley will need to remain on their toes. Considering Clausen's possible injuries and Sharpley's tendency to hold onto the ball too long, that could spell trouble once again for Notre Dame.
Special Teams
I'll stick to the big news here. FS 18 Matt Slater has an 85-yard kick return TD for the Bruins. For the Irish, Eric Maust has officially replaced Geoff Price at punter. Price isn't injured; it was a combination of Price's inconsistency and Maust's good play (43.7 yards per punt) that led to the change.Look for a big game from Clausen, Parris, Kamara, Laws, Bruton.
ND 24, UCLA 21: UCLA's defense will give up some points. ND just has to stop their offense.
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